40ish & Figuring It Out

Parking Lot Nerves, Midlife Wisdom

• Katie Koelliker • Season 1 • Episode 6

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A stranger’s outrage in a parking lot shouldn’t have ruined our afternoon—yet it did. That jolt of unfairness, the shock that steals your words, and the endless replay afterward can trap even the most grounded among us. We pull the moment apart with honesty and humor, tracing what actually happens in the body when confrontation hits out of the blue and why silence might be the smartest choice your nervous system makes.

We walk through freeze and fawn responses in plain language, explaining how the thinking brain goes offline and why the perfect clapback arrives hours too late. From there, we explore the deeper layers—midlife confidence colliding with old social scripts, the ache of not correcting the record, and the sticky mix of humiliation and anger that keeps the scene looping. If you’ve ever Googled the rules just to prove you weren’t wrong, you’ll feel seen.

Most importantly, we offer a practical five-step framework to stop letting strangers live rent-free in your head: state reality out loud, separate their behavior from your worth, give yourself credit for staying safe, practice closing the loop, and choose peace over being understood. Along the way, you’ll pick up simple nervous system resets, time-boxed rumination, and language you can use in the moment or on the walk back to your car. Share this with a friend who needs a calm, clear plan for the next unexpected confrontation. Subscribe, leave a quick review, and tell us: which step helps you reclaim your peace fastest?

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Katie:

Welcome back to 40 H in Figuring It Out. I'm your host, Katie, professional overthinker, recovering people pleaser, and apparently someone who attracts parking lot drama. Today's episode is a personal one. Something happened that honestly shook me way more than it should have, and I want to talk about it. Because if you're a midlife woman, chances are you've had a moment where someone confronts you, speaks to you in a way you didn't deserve, and you walk away thinking, why am I still thinking about this? So today we're breaking it down. The moment, my reaction, why I couldn't let it go, and how we can stop letting strangers hijack our peace. So here's the story of what happened. I'm driving into a parking lot and I approach an intersection into the parking lot where I do not have a stop sign at this intersection. I keep going like I'm supposed to, and a car to my left was about to start going, um follows me, I guess, I don't know, comes over to that part of the parking lot. And anyway, I park. I don't really notice anything because I just turned, went down the aisle, found a parking spot, got out of my car, gathered my things, got out of my car, and this guy starts yelling at me, basically, in the parking lot, like you were supposed to stop, like way to come to a complete stop, learn how to drive. And I'm literally standing there shocked. He confronted me, you know, he's talking to me like I'm a reckless teenager, which I'm not, and I don't respond because I'm in shock. Not because I was scared, not because I thought he was right. I'm stunned someone is confronting me over something I didn't do. Like I was not supposed to stop. Incoming traffic was not supposed to stop. He keeps saying things, he's on the phone with somebody. I say nothing. I let him go in the store. I'm also going in the store. And even though I know I wasn't wrong, my silence bothered me the most. So I had to wait a minute. The guy went in on his own. I waited for a cart, started to go in slowly, he was still there, like glared at me, and I, you know, just kept on my wary way in the store. But why didn't I defend myself? Why didn't I tell him he was wrong? Why is this man still living rent-free in my head? This is where midlife gets interesting. We're confident, we're capable, we've survived way harder things than this parking lot bully, yet moments like these still snag us. So, before we get into more things, we're gonna hop into Katie's Curious Corner because it has something to do with this. And this is a place where I can ask questions that come from a spiral in the shower or whatever. And today's curiosity is why does my body react before my brain can form a sentence? And here's what I learned from this experience. When someone confronts you aggressively or unexpectedly, your body goes into a survival response. You've heard of fight or flight, but for a lot of women, especially when caught off guard like I was, the more common responses are to freeze, your brain blinks, or fawn, which is diffuse, stay polite, and stay safe. And this isn't emotional weakness, it's biology. Your brain reacts first, going all danger, shut everything else down. Meanwhile, the logical part of your brain, the one that forms one-liners and clapbacks, basically logs out of the chat. It's gone. So while he's unloading his opinion, my body my body was buffering a dial-up modem, circa early 2000s. I didn't fail. My nervous system chose safety over debate. And later, once I'm safe, my brain boots back up and goes, oh perfect, now I have all the things that I could have said. I called my husband, told him about the experience, all the things. Understanding that although made me feel a little less irritated with myself because I needed to make sure I was safe. The next thing we're gonna talk about is why can't I let this go? Because I can't. Obviously, I'm here talking about it. Now that we know it's not just us being dramatic, let's get into the emotional side of this. I couldn't let it go because one, it felt unfair. He confronted me over something I didn't do. So I don't know if how where you're listening to this from and how certain intersections at parking lots work for you guys, but here where I live in Utah, there are many parking lots where incoming traffic does not have a stop. And the other directions all do. And it's in a lot of parking lots, and maybe this person hasn't been in that parking lot before, maybe they don't know the protocol, but I I felt like it was unfair because usually there are tons of cars going in this parking lot at a time, and I caught it at a time for some reason I was the only car coming from that direction, and usually there's at least one car in each lane because there's a right, a right turn only and a straight lane, and then there's a left turn only lane, and neither one of those lanes has a stop. Like the incoming traffic is just supposed to flow into the parking lot. Anyway, so he confronted me over something that I didn't do. It felt very disrespectful. The way I mean, there's a way to communicate concern, and he he chose condescension, telling me that I needed to learn how to drive. I know how to drive. I freaking went on Google Maps and triple-checked while I was in the store still thinking, I'm gonna show the Google Maps to this guy. I'm gonna go tell him to go walk back out to the parking lot together, which I wasn't gonna do. But go go to that intersection, you show me where I had a stop sign because I didn't anyway. But yes, it was very disrespectful. And there were people that were around and heard him yelling at me, and obviously nobody knew what the situation was, so nobody said anything. It poked in an old peeper pleaser wound because I don't want strangers thinking poorly of me, even when I'm right. Like I knew that I was right, and if other people heard him getting mad at me for something that I did not do, I was offended that other people would think poorly of me, which I know a lot of you can relate to. And fourth, it disrupted my sense of control. I didn't correct the narrative, and that bothers me, obviously. I didn't tell him that he was in the wrong on so many levels, and I just again stayed safe. So why as midlife women we react this way? This is important. By midlife, we've spent decades managing other people's emotions, keeping the peace, not wanting to escalate situations, being told to stay polite, stay small, and stay calm, which a lot of times I don't do any of those things. Um anyway. So when someone confronts us aggressively, even if we know we're right, like I knew I was right, our first our first instinct often is to shut down and not fight back, which is exactly what I did. I just ignored him, kept a smile on my face, didn't say anything, just wasn't engaging. I did not want to engage. But then later we feel the anger, the clarity, the comeback that didn't get said. Which I felt all of those emotions within minutes of walking into the store. I I didn't ask anybody that worked at the store to help, that this man was harassing me. I walked away into a safe space and I made a phone call to try and regulate my emotions in some way. And people that walked down the aisle that I was talking on, I was making sure that these people heard loudly that this guy was being a jerk. But you're not broken if you react these ways. You're socialized, and that's why we behave the way that we do, is because we're not meant to cause a scene. I always say, I'm going to cause a scene. Like I wanted to go punch that guy for talking to me that way. I wanted to go yell at him and tell him all these different things and how he treated me and made me feel, and he's in the wrong, and all these things. And obviously that came later because my body was responding in a completely different way. That I now realize out of the situation, that's what happened, and that's why I didn't say anything. So, how do we let it go? How do I let this go? And this is the work I'm doing right now, and maybe it can help you too. Number one, state reality out loud. I did not have a stop sign. Say the facts, it grounds your mind. And I have said it so many times. Like I said, I Google mapped it. I redrove through that intersection when I left after Google mapping it to make sure that I am not hallucinating and that I was right. I had to stop to let incoming traffic come in. That is what I did. I knew I was right. Number two, remind yourself their behavior is about them. He reacted from his own assumptions and emotions. And that's all on him. I cannot control the way that somebody else reacts to something that happens. I can't. I can only react, you know, control myself. Three, give yourself credit for staying safe. A parking lot confrontation is not worth escalating. You never know the dangers that might lurk. Now, I poked fun at this person for various different things with one of my best friends and my husband later on after, but like both of them very much were like, but you are safe now, right? Like they wanted to make sure that I was safe. They wanted to make sure this man wasn't following me in any way and that he did not re-engage with me in any way. And that if he did try to confront me again in this store, like if I saw him somewhere in the store, that I would contact an employee security or something because this guy was harassing me. But making sure I stayed safe, which is what I did. I made sure that I stayed safe. Number four, practice closing the loop. Tell yourself I handled it, it's over, and I don't need to replay it. And that's definitely something that I'm trying to work on and stop. And then number five, choose peace over being understood. And this is the hardest one of all for me. Because it's also where freedom lives. Like I this person probably doesn't even think about this anymore. Why have I even given 24 hours to this situation? Because I want this person to somehow find me, tell me that they were wrong, they understand that I wasn't supposed to stop, and apologize for behaving the way that they did and confronting me the way that they did. That is what I want. But it's not gonna happen. I am probably never gonna see this dude again. But that is like ultimately what I wanted. But I need to choose peace. And that is really what I need right now this week. It is only Tuesday, and I have already had a hell of a week. So I need to let this go for me to be at peace with myself. I need to let this go. And I know we can all relate probably in some way that there is something that has happened, whether it was recent or in the past, that we're still holding on to and that we're not going through these things, these steps. Which again, one, state reality out loud. Two, remind yourself that their behavior is about them. Three, give yourself credit for staying safe. Four, practice closing the loop. And five, choose peace over being understood. I'm working on the last two right now. Because I I've already gone over the first three. But those last two are where I'm working on it. And again, in order for me to finish out this week sane, I need to just let it go. And I hope that if you're listening and there is something that has happened to you recent, semi-recent in your past, that these five steps can help you get through it and move on from it. Um because I cannot let this person again live rent-free in my head. Why have I even given them 24 hours? I don't know. It just really annoyed me. So and I think it was again because of the situation. It was so abnormal. I don't know that I have personally I'm trying to think, like, if I have ever been like attacked like that myself by myself. I think there was another time where somebody yelled and my husband was with me or something, but and it didn't have anything to do with me. It was just like this is why I can't even remember it. But but I I did like I don't think I felt the grab like when this person approached me in the parking lot, I had no idea that they were talking to me. Like that is how when this person started saying things to me, I had no idea that they were talking to me because I was like, what the crap are you even talking about? Like I was literally opening my door and he was talking to me. I thought like I had parked in a weird spot or was crooked or something because I was literally just opening my door. Like that is how soon this person started talking to me. And I don't know what kind of car they drove. I have no idea where they came from. I wasn't paying that much attention, but it kind of freaked me out. Like I said, you know, you need to be safe. And when I walked out of that store, I was I'm usually pretty vigilant. I listened to my extremely fair share of true crime stuff. I'm a true crime connoisseur, have been since probably an oddly early age, dateline, law and order, all that stuff. Anyway, that doesn't matter. But I usu uh like I was extra vigilant. I was head on a swivel, checking every which way, making sure that this jerk wasn't anywhere near me. I'm pretty sure they had already left the store because I, you know, I took a phone call for I don't know, five minutes or so to try and calm myself down. It probably wasn't that long, but anyway, but it again things happen and they're so unexpected, and I think that was also like this was totally unexpected because I see people do crappy jobs at things all the time, and I'll call my friend and be like, hey, guess what this person did? And then it's gone. Okay, like it's it I'll be on the phone, you know, like I'll see something and I'll be like, oh my gosh, like how dumb, you know, whatever. But I don't I'm not gonna go find these people in a parking lot of a store and be like, hey, you whatever. I don't I don't even know. Like you flipped a U-turn when you weren't supposed to flip a U-turn. I see, like, you know, there's a no U-turn sign for a reason. It's because the people turning right have a green arrow to turn. Whatever. I don't this is just in my area. So I don't know if you can relate at all, but drives me nuts. People making turns when they're not supposed to, because uh, like I said, these people have a green arrow. You're not supposed to flip a U-turn, okay? Whatever. I don't go hunt these people down in a parking lot and say, hey, you almost hit a car. Like I was nowhere near hitting anybody. Nobody I slowed down as I approached the intersection because just in case somebody that was stopped at one of the stop signs started to go, nobody was going, so I continued on my merry way, but I didn't like go. I see cars go roaring through that intersection all the time. And anyway, but the audacity of this person, I don't know. It was just insane. Like, I it and has this happened to you? Have you been approached by people before in a parking lot, in a store, in somewhere about something that happened that you're just like totally oblivious to, and you were like, What? Like, I I can't be the only person out there that has something like. This, but this threw me off because again, I've never had this happen to me. And when I go back and I think about it, I'm like, that person could have had a weapon, they could have followed me, they could have, you know, I I don't know. Like, I it like when I think back on it and how unsafe I've probably should have felt, and I felt those feelings later, and I think that's why it upset me so much, is because again, my body protected me, and I just kept going on my merry way, and then all the emotions and the adrenaline that I probably should have had when he was confronting me came rushing into my body later, and that's where all of the I guess expletives and anger and rage and humiliation and just all these emotions just like came over me, and I was very upset, and um anyway, so I hope that that never happens to you because it was not a pleasant experience. Um, anyway, alright, friends, that's my parking lot therapy session for today. If you've ever had a moment where someone's tone, reaction, or confrontation stuck with you way longer than it should, you are not alone. We're 40-ish, we've lived life, and we're figuring it out. But we still get blindsided by people who think they know better. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another woman who needs to hear that she's not crazy, she's just human. But thank you for hanging out with me and listening to me vent. I'll see you next time on 40-ish and figuring it out. 40-ish and Figuring It Out is produced and edited by me, Katie Collicker. Sound mixing, also me. We're a very efficient one woman show over here. The music for this episode was created using the Suno app. Special thanks to Suno for providing licensed royalty free music through their platform. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you in the next episode.