40ish & Figuring It Out

Holiday Sanity, Not Holiday Showmanship

• Katie Koelliker • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Holiday magic feels different when you’re the one stitching it together. We open the curtain on the unspoken rules that push many of us to overfunction through December and show a livable way to trade performance for presence. From the drawer that won’t open to the calendar that won’t quit, this conversation moves from home organization mindset to holiday expectation triage, with practical steps for choosing what matters, skipping what doesn’t, and releasing guilt when you make things smaller on purpose.

We dig into how expectations get installed—family traditions, social media, cultural scripts, and our need to make it special for everyone else—and why midlife is often the first time we question the job description. You’ll hear a simple filter for decisions: non‑negotiables, simplifiable, or skippable. We talk about kid‑centered traditions where your presence isn’t mandatory, the power of naming invisible assumptions before they ruin a moment, and the difference between a meaningful ritual and a habit that just survived. Along the way, we get honest about disappointment, like a beloved Nutcracker outing that didn’t match the picture in our heads, and how speaking needs out loud can rescue the feeling we’re chasing.

If you’re craving calm, you’ll find scripts and strategies: set earlier end times, share hosting, buy dessert guilt‑free, protect sleep on the big nights, and let a half‑decorated tree stand as a love letter to real life. We model for our kids what adult holidays can be—warm, flexible, and human. Schedules change, bedrooms shift, traditions evolve, and that’s not failure; that’s growth. You’re not behind; you’re redesigning a season to fit the life you actually live.

If this spoke to you, share it with a friend who’s feeling the holiday pressure, then follow the show and leave a quick review. Your notes help more 40‑ish listeners find a calmer path through the season.

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Katie:

Hello, and welcome back to 40-ish and figuring it out. I'm your host, Katie Koelliker. If you're listening to this while mentally planning a grocery list, a gift list, a calendar, a family obligation, and also wondering when you're supposed to actually enjoy the holidays, you're exactly where you're meant to be. Because today we're talking about managing holiday expectations, not just the ones other people put on us, but the ones we quietly pile on ourselves. And before we get into the heart of that, we're starting with a segment that I'm really starting to enjoy bringing to these episodes. So, Katie's Curiosity Corner. The place where I admit what I'm currently Googling, overthinking, or suddenly convinced will change my life. This week I'm curious about home organization. And I need to be honest, this curiosity did not come from a place of inspiration. It came from a place of me standing in my kitchen, opening a drawer, and thinking, why do I own so many random things? Why do none of them go together? You should see this drawer. It's ridiculous. I'm at this point in my life where I want an organized home. I want systems. I want calm. I want drawers that open without something attacking me or getting stuck and not actually letting me open the drawer. But I also don't want my life to become a full-time project. What I'm realizing is that organization in midlife isn't about perfection, it's about function. So what I'm curious about is what systems actually make life easier? What do we keep because we should? And what could we let go of that's just quietly adding stress? And honestly, I think this curiosity ties directly into today's episode because organization, like the holidays, carries expectations, Pinterest expectations, Instagram expectations, the other people seem to have this figured out expectations. And that brings us right into today's main conversation. Managing holiday expectations. All right, let's talk about the holidays. Because somewhere along the way, the holidays stopped being a season and they turned into a performance. And midlife is often the moment that we realize I can't do all of this and I actually don't want to. Holiday expectations come from everywhere. There's your family traditions, social media influencing, childhood memories, there's cultural pressures, and our own belief that we're supposed to make this magical for everyone else. And here's the truth that feels uncomfortable to say out loud. The holidays are rarely magical for the person holding everything together. They're magical for the kids. They're nostalgic for extended family. And in theory, they're cozy. But for many women, especially in their 40s, the holidays feel like emotional labor, calendar Tetris, financial pressure, and trying not to disappoint anyone or everyone. And what makes it harder is that this stage of life often comes with competing responsibilities. Kids in multiple stages, aging parents, work deadlines, travel logistics, emotional baggage we didn't order but still have to unpack. So how do we manage expectations without becoming resentful, exhausted, or checked out? So let's talk about expectations versus reality. I think the first step is recognizing that these expectations are usually unspoken. There's not a list somewhere, they're not written down for us saying these are the things that you have to do. They're just somehow inherent in us. Nobody, not your mom, not your dad, or whoever, there's nobody that sat us down and said, here's everything that we expect from you this holiday season. At least I hope nobody has done that. I don't be kind of weird. But somehow you know, you just you just know that you're supposed to host or show up for things, you're supposed to remember the traditions and honor the traditions, you have to buy the gifts, you're supposed to keep the peace, and you're supposed to make it feel special. And midlife is when many of us quietly ask, Who did decide this? And why am I the one that's responsible for it? Like, how did the responsibility fall on us? And the reality is that we're allowed to rewrite how the holidays look. And that doesn't mean canceling everything or disappointing people on purpose. It means choosing what actually matters. So how do we pick what matters most? Here's some things that are helping me this season. Instead of trying to do everything, I'm asking, what are the non-negotiables for me? What traditions do I genu genuinely enjoy? What can be simplified, shared, or skipped? Because not everything carries equal emotional weight. Some things are more meaningful, some things are just habits, and some things are expectations we inherited but don't actually want. So maybe there's a Christmas or holiday tradition that your family has always done that maybe you're on your own now, you're married, have your own family, and it's a tradition that you feel like you have to keep because that's something that your family did, and so you want to do it yourself. You have the permission from yourself to stop doing that if it's an undue burden on you. And different doesn't mean that it's wrong. And I think some people feel that if we change something, if we do something differently, that there's something wrong with that, and there's not. There's not. There is guilt that comes with change. So let's talk about that guilt. Because anytime we change expectation, the guilt does show up in us. There's guilt for not doing it like before, not doing enough, wanting rest, wanting simplicity, wanting joy that doesn't come from exhaustion. But here's the reframe I keep coming back to. Guilt doesn't always mean you're doing something wrong. Sometimes it means you're doing something new. And midlife is full of new new boundaries, new energy levels, new awareness of what we can and can't carry anymore. How do we model things in a different way? And one thing that helps me release some of the pressure is remembering that we are modeling a version of adulthood for our kids. And what I want my kids to see is that holidays that feel warm and not stressful, a mom who isn't burnt out by December 26th, and traditions that feel connected and not forced. So maybe there's some traditions that you've done, but there's no real meaning behind them. Maybe it's something that you do just to do it to check it off of a list, but nobody actually gets any joy or meaningfulness out of it. So is that a tradition that you think you should still be doing? Maybe not. Maybe you need to rethink that tradition. And you know, maybe it doesn't hold any weight for anybody. There's no actual emotion attached to it. So maybe that's a tradition that you can change or cut out and simplify your schedule a little bit more. I know that in my family, uh, with um my in-laws, there is some traditions that they have started to do that they want to, the grandparents want to take the kids on certain excursions, and the kids love it and things. And there have been times where I haven't been able to go and participate because I have other obligations that I have to go do. So whether it's uh usually it's work-related, um, whether it's for my actual job, like my my part-time job during the day or my coaching job at night, um, I may have something that I just I I can't be there for those events. And I'm okay with missing those because it's not for me, it's for the kids. So I don't feel bad about missing those and I don't stress about trying to show up for that. Like I love seeing my kids' faces going to do these traditions, but they're for the tradition is for them, it's not for me. So as long as they're having fun, and if I can't be there, then I don't feel bad about missing out on that tradition because it's not again, it's not for me. It's something that the grandparents want to do for their grandkids, and so I don't feel that pressure that I have to show up. So when logistically we're trying to schedule this, I don't I don't take myself into consideration for when when the event is going to happen. And so if if they're trying to plan a night, I don't take my calendar into consideration. It's just more of a are all of my kids available? And or maybe most of them. Sometimes, you know, maybe one of them has to miss it because they have an obligation, they have to meet for something else. But um that that's where my head is at, is that I I don't take myself into consideration when these events are happening. It's just can the kids get there? Can they get picked up? Are they available? And that's and that's what it is, because the tradition is not for me, it is for them, and I don't feel the need to be present for it. I can be, I have gone, um, but it's not something that I put pressure on myself to make sure that I am there because I don't I don't feel like it's something that I have to show up for. There's there's other traditions that I feel like, you know, I did as a kid with my family, that now that we're all grown and we've all been married and have kids and and we have our own, you know, maybe Christmas Eve or Christmas Day traditions or leading up to traditions that we haven't needed to carry on. And my parents recognize that. They they say, Here, here is the one thing that we want to do, and then you guys can do the rest of your holiday season however you want. And I appreciate that, you know. They come and they visit us, or you know, we'll go and visit them on Christmas Day, depending on where everybody is. Sometimes they'll come out to our house, or we'll go out to their house, but it's it's not forced, it's not required. Um, it's just they want everybody to be able to enjoy the day, they want to enjoy the day, have it be stress-free. And so that's kind of how they've decided to to do that. We do like a Christmas Eve with them, and that's that's the tradition that we hold on to, and and that's what I plan for. Um, you know, and I think back on my childhood of some Christmas traditions that I did pre-holiday, you know. Um, my mom and her, I think it was her Bunko friends, they would we have a really great rendition of the Nutcracker that gets um done by a ballet company here in our state, and that was something that I really enjoyed doing with me and my mom. And so I've tried to kind of revive it with her and my daughters, and they've enjoyed it. We didn't get to go this year. Um, my mom was out of town, she went on some global trotting trips, and so um we didn't get to do that, but that is something that I want to bring up with my daughters. We went um either last year or the year before, and they really enjoyed it. Um, it didn't go the way that I had hoped and the way that I had envisioned, and while what happened in the instance it hurt me, I wanted to make sure that my daughters, you know, I didn't want the expectation of what I had what that tradition actually meant to me. Sorry, I'm gonna get a little bit emotional here. What the tradition meant for me. I wanted to be able to have my daughters feel that, and they enjoyed it and they had fun, and that is what why I wanted to share it with them is because of the joy and the remembrance and the the things that I felt with my mom. I want them to be able to feel that with me. And the reason why it didn't go the way that I had thought is because it's a tradition that I had with my mom, and I felt like when it was executed, I didn't get to spend the time with my mom that I thought I was going to have. And that was an expectation I put on myself and I did not express to my mom, and I don't think she understood that at the time, that that is a tradition that I enjoyed having with her being her only daughter, and so um that was an unexpected expectation that I had put on myself that I thought would be executed the way that maybe I had envisioned it, and it went to crap. Um, we didn't plan very well for certain things, and anyway, so that was an expectation I put on myself, and I didn't express that I wanted to feel and have executed in that way, I guess. And so sometimes we do get disappointed because I was disappointed in it, and you know, still when I think about it, I know that that was me putting that expectation on myself, and that happens, and it gets you know, sometimes feelings are hurt, and I, you know, I again I was trying to make sure that my daughters had a great time. I've seen the show so many times over the years that I wanted to enjoy watching them see it for the first time, and I loved being able to share that with them and explain to them the tradition that I had had with my mom and the ability to do that with her and all of the different ornaments and things that we had gotten over the years, decorations and things, and so we got a Christmas ornament and things to you know keep on with that tradition. But it was again a re an invisible expectation I had put on myself for the event that I didn't need to do, and I only disappointed myself by doing that anyway. So I'm sorry about that. And as always, I wanted to end with what I'm still figuring out, obviously. I'm still figuring out how to let things be good enough. Obviously, I'm still working on that, stop overfunctioning out of habit, allow joy without earning it through exhaustion. Trust that presence matters more than presentation, and I'll be honest, on this one, I rock at that one. So because you know, sometimes my Christmas tree isn't decorated until Christmas Eve, and sometimes I only put half the ornaments on it because honestly, I mean the kids love putting ornaments on the tree and they love spending time doing that. I am such a perfectionist and overstimulated by the look of the tree that I sometimes either delay putting ornaments on there, or I just say, Okay, here's a box of ornaments, just put these on, and that's what it'll be, because the kids aren't gonna remember necessarily the ornaments that were on the tree that year. They're gonna remember who was around the tree, and maybe they'll remember what presents they got, um, but they'll just remember that we actually celebrated, and so that's really what matters. So right now my tree is half decorated, and maybe um if we can find the other boxes of Christmas decorations, we'll put more on. But as of right now, it's just gonna stay as it is because they don't know, they don't remember. They they do like to look for their own hand. I mean, a lot of the ornaments that are on there are their own homemade hand ornaments that they made at school or at you know church or activities or something like that. So it's that's what's on the tree currently. Like none of the Hallmarkey ornaments, there's not as many of those on there, and that's fine. But the other ones, um again, let things be good enough and stop overfunctioning out of habit. Allow joy without earning it through exhaustion, because that's another thing that like I need my sleep. I need my sleep. And if you don't want me to be grumpy on Christmas Day, I have to be able to sleep Christmas Eve. And so my husband who doesn't need as much sleep as me will stay up and finish anything that may need finishing for the holidays before Christmas Day, if if I can't stay awake, because that's just how I roll. All right, but I'm still figuring out how to create holidays that feel like us and not a checklist. So we're still cultivating as a family what our holidays look like. And we do have certain things that that we do every Christmas, and this year we have a situation we have to figure out because our daughters are a little upset because our sons moved down into the basement, and the girls are upstairs in their rooms, and when all of them were upstairs before this year, we would have them come to our stairs that lead downstairs, and nobody could see the Christmas tree, and then one by one they would go. Downstairs and and see the tree, and we would take pictures on the stairs and different things before Christmas started happening, and the boys are in the basement, and so the girls are extremely worried that the brothers are gonna get to see Christmas before them, and how is this gonna work? And so logistically, my husband and I have to figure that out because I don't know what's gonna happen on Christmas Eve as far as where's everybody gonna sleep, how's it gonna look? Because this year is gonna be different, so we're always evolving and changing some things that you know eventually kids may be going off to college and different things. So, how is that gonna look? So, as of right now, that's a new thing that we have to figure out and trying to figure out how it's gonna work for us. But if you're figuring out too what your holidays are gonna look like for you, you're not behind, you're evolving. Thank you so much for listening to 40 ish and figuring it out. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who's feeling the holiday pressure right now. And if you haven't already, make sure to follow and subscribe so you don't miss future episodes. And please rate and review. New episodes drop every week, and as always, we're figuring this out together. I'll see you in the next episode. 40-ish and Figuring It Out is produced and edited by me, Katie Koelliker. Sound mixing, also me. We're a very efficient one woman show over here. The music for this episode was created using the Suno app. Special thanks to Suno for providing licensed royalty free music through their platform. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you in the next episode.