Finding Yourself At Forty

What if the uneasy feeling you can’t name isn’t a problem to fix but a signal that something new is forming? We open up about the midlife identity shift many of us feel around forty and trade the pressure to reinvent for a kinder process of remembering, editing, and choosing with intention. The roles that once defined us grow quieter, and that silence can feel like loss—until we notice the space it creates for a fuller self to step forward.

We walk through a simple reframe: you’re not lost; you’re between versions. From there, we get practical. Katie shares how returning to dance—on her terms—became a way to reconnect with joy without performing for anyone. We talk about bodies that need different care, finding movement that fits real life, and why tiny, sustainable steps beat flashy comebacks. Creativity shows up too: hand embroidery as a focused, meditative practice that invites flow, calm, and self-trust in small pockets of time.

Curiosity doesn’t stop at old loves. We dig into trying something brand new—like writing—without waiting for permission, credentials, or perfect conditions. Expect ideas for low-cost experiments through community classes, ways to rekindle learning without chasing a degree, and prompts to spot the parts of you asking to be reintroduced. If you’ve been wrestling with guilt for wanting more or feeling unsure about what comes next, this conversation offers language, tools, and a gentle nudge to start where you are.

Ready to meet the next version of you with less pressure and more presence? Press play, then tell us what you’ll reintroduce or try this week. If this spoke to you, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend who could use a hopeful reframe.

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Chapters

• 0:28 Who Am I Now
• 1:22 Outgrowing Old Identities
• 2:53 Between Versions Reframe
• 5:14 What Wants To Be Reintroduced
• 6:30 Dancing Back To Joy
• 13:16 Creative Flow And Embroidery
• 18:22 New Curiosity For Writing
• 21:26 Try Classes And Small Experiments

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:28

Welcome to 40H and Figuring It Out, the podcast where we ask the questions no one warned us would show up around 40 and try to answer them without pretending we have it all together. I'm Katie, and today we're starting with what might be the question of this decade. Who am I now? Somewhere around 40, you wake up one day and realize something feels off. Not bad, not wrong, just a little unfamiliar. You look at your life, your kids, your work, your relationships, your body, and you think, I built this. I worked hard for this. So why do I feel like I don't recognize myself in it anymore? And that question sneaks in quietly. Who am I now? Here's what no one tells us. This question doesn't mean you're feeling ungrateful. It doesn't mean you're failing. It doesn't mean you want to blow up your life. It usually means you've grown. By 40, most of us have lived several lives already. We've been younger versions of ourselves with big dreams and zero sleep. We've been caretakers. We've been partners, spouses, we've been survivors, people who stayed, people who left, people who rebuilt. And somewhere along the way, we learned how to be what was needed. But now the question isn't who do they need me to be? It's who am I when I'm not performing, fixing, or holding it all together. And I think a lot of us reach this point after a shift. Maybe your kids don't need you the same way anymore. Maybe a marriage changed or ended. Maybe your career doesn't fit like it used to. Maybe your body is asking for a different kind of care. And suddenly the roles that once defined you feel quieter. And that can feel unsettling. Because when you've spent years being needed, being useful, being responsible, that silence can feel like a loss. But it can also be space. Here's the reframe I keep coming back to. You're not lost, you're between versions. The woman you were got you here, she did her job. And now the newer version of you is trying to introduce herself. But she doesn't yell, she's whispering. She shows up as curiosity, as restlessness, as the quiet thought, there has to be more than just getting through these days. And that doesn't mean something is wrong. It means something is becoming. Guilt for wanting more. Guilt for questioning that life looks fine. Guilt for not being the same woman that you used to be. But here's the truth: you're allowed to outgrow old identities, even the ones you worked really hard for. You're allowed to want a life that fits this version of you, not the 25-year-old, not the survival mode version, not the woman who said yes because she didn't know she could say no, but this current version. So instead of asking, who am I supposed to be now? Try asking what feels heavy that didn't used to. Because identity at this stage isn't about reinventing yourself overnight. It's about remembering and editing and choosing more intentionally. So if you're somewhere safe, driving, walking, folding laundry, I want to sit with you in this moment. Um I want you to ask yourselves, excuse me. What parts of me are asking to be reintroduced? Think about that. What parts of me are asking to be reintroduced? Not fixed, not improved, but just reintroduced. So for me, when I think about it, I I'm thinking about old hobbies that I used to have that maybe I didn't do or couldn't do. Um, I have a knee injury, so it really limits some of the things that I love to do. And um I try and find different ways to be able to do some of those old hobbies, especially now that my kids are older. You know, what are some things that I can bring back that brought me joy that I haven't been able to do because I was so busy and in the thick of it and things like that? So, what is something that I could do? What is something that I could reintroduce? And I just want to punch past to like a a like a dance fitness class type thing. It's called fly dance fitness. Um, anyway, and um, so I'm really excited about that because I was a dancer growing up. Um, for most of you that don't know me, I was a competitive dancer all of my life and slightly into my adult life. I did I started dance when I was, I mean, I've been dancing since I could move my body basically, but I started actually taking classes when I was three, the typical tap jazz or tap ballet, and then moved into jazz and clogging. And for those of you that don't know what clogging is, it is a double tap. So there's a tap shoe that has like the hard metal tap that's screwed to the shoe. Um, clogging has um an additional tap that's loose on top of the other one, and anyway, it has a different sound. Um, Google it, it's really fun. Anyway, so I did that up until my 20s. I I did clogging. I actually tried out for So You Think You Can Dance in the second season. I flew to well, actually I didn't fly. I drove to California with my husband, um, made it into the top 200, which there were thousands of people there. And I did clogging because I thought it was different and it was something that I could do solo. Now, back when I was auditioning, they had restrictions on song rights that you could use, and so the music that I had prepared my dance to was a Michael Jackson song, which they did not have the license for at that time. And so I had this routine that I had done, and I was like, crap. And this was before iPhones and like mobile music was like a big thing, and so I I just was like, whatever, I can do an a cappella because with clogging or tap, um, because of that sound, you can do a lot of that stuff a cappella style, and there's actually a cappella competitions for clogging, so I was just like, whatever, I'll do it a cappella style, but anyway, uh did that heard from the judges, you know, they stopped me part way through, and you know, I got the axe, and I was just like, you know, in the moment, I was like, whatever. And um, in my post-interview, it was so funny because I I remember and I wasn't on TV. Um, I think you could see me in the background of some shots of the episode, but like they didn't highlight me. But I in my post-interview, because they interview everybody after the audition in front of the judges, and I just said, you know, I was a national ballroom champion. I guess I picked the wrong kind of dance or something like that. I was upset and I was trying to be like, you know, whatever. And it was, it was to me, it was really funny because I was a national ballroom champion at the age of 12. You know, I I did ballroom growing up. I quit when I was, I think, 12. Um, and then I did it here and there throughout high school. I helped out with some ballroom groups a little bit and um uh did some country line dancing with one of my friends one time, country swing dancing or whatever it was, um, that they do for young single adults um in the area. But anyway, so I have been dancing my whole entire life, you know, and into my adulthood. I tried out for our local basketball team, the Utah Jazz. We have the Jazz Dancers. I auditioned for that, um, didn't make it. I apparently I I'm a good dancer, like there were a lot of good dancers there, but I also like wasn't for someone who was a cheerleader, I wasn't, I don't think peppy enough, and I didn't throw my hair around enough, which for me, like I don't think about that, but after that audition and tryout and everything, and then watching the jazz dancers after that, and I love the jazz dancers, don't get me wrong, but um they flip their hair so much, you know, and I was like, I don't think I could do that, like that's not the type of dance that I do, so it's like whatever, but anyway, so that is my long-winded personal story about how dance was such a huge part of my life into my early 20s that because I even after I got married, I still did dance for a little while. Um, I was on an adult competitive clogging team and did that for a year, I don't know how long that was. Um, and then life, you know, just got busy and crazy, and and so I stopped doing it. I don't know if the team kept doing it or not. I I don't remember. But anyway, so that's something that I would like to reintroduce into my life. Um, another thing that I've done intermittently is uh embroidery. I like to do hand embroidery. I don't know if I've talked about it that on here before or not. If if not, talking about it now. Um, and I'll probably bring it up in the future. But anyway, uh I love to do embroidery, and I started it with my mom when I was a tween, and it's something that I like to do, the hyper-focus that you have to have, uh, you know, and I get lost in it. You know, I'll turn on a show, I'll turn on some music, whatever, and I just get hyper-focused in it, and I I tune everything else out, which is something that I like to be able to do. I like to be able to hyperfocus on something and tune everything else out, and I get lost in it, and I love that feeling. I love it to be able to fully immerse myself and give myself into whatever it is I'm focusing on, whether that's uh you know, dance, uh, love that, and uh embroidery or art or something like that. I I love being able to do that, and anyway, it's fun and it makes beautiful things. Um, so so that's fun. So I again I want you to think, what are parts of me that are asking to be reintroduced? And that doesn't have to be like a hobby either. You know, it could be I have no idea, you know, it could be anything. You it's personal to you, so it could be anything. And think about that as you're going through this stage of life. What parts of you are niggling in the back of your mind saying, hey, you know, we want to try this again or we want to bring this out again, you know, something that I want to introduce that I've never been big on is writing. My dad is a huge writer. I come up with stories all the time in my head. I love shows, I love movies. I worked on, and I will talk about this later on in I'm sure future episodes, but I've I've lived a lot of weird lives in myself. I worked on movie film sets, I was a production coordinator on a movie, like for a local, that I was very intrigued with the way that films were produced and set up and the way that they were done and everything. So I was kind of in the film scene in in Utah here a little bit and loved being on film sets and seeing how things go and and things like that, you know. Um for half a second, I was like, yeah, I I kind of want to do this because I loved seeing how all the moving parts worked. But you know, what are what are these things that you guys could be interested in? Um reintroduced. But I was talking about how I want to introduce writing to myself. I've never done that before. So that's that's something brand new. Like it obviously we all had to do some form of writing growing up, um, stories and things, but I've never like written novels. My daughters write stories and plays and stuff all the time, and I love seeing them be able to do that. And wouldn't it be really cool if their mom wrote a book? Now, this book would be um fiction, not nonfiction, it would not be real life, it would definitely be a made-up story because I watch all these things, you know, the movies and and and mini-series and TV shows and things, and I and I listen to books and audiobooks and podcasts and excuse me, sorry guys, I'm getting over a cold or I'm in the middle of it. I don't know, super congested. Well, not anymore. But anyway, neither here nor there. But you know, wouldn't that be really cool if my daughters and my sons, but my daughters, because they like to write, my sons don't really do that, they have their own different interests. But wouldn't it be really cool if their mom wrote a book or a short story or something um as an example for them? Never done it before. Taking a lot of advice from my dad. Love to hear from other people. I've listened to other podcasters who have written books and things, and I find that very interesting. Um, I listen to a lot of true crime for those of you that like that, and I will probably eventually talk about that on here as well, just because it's something that is a part of my life, and I feel like Law and Order, CSI were my go-to's back in the day. Those were my shows. Um anyway, but back to this reintroduction of things. I want you guys to think about it. Comment on the post. Let me know what is something that you want to reintroduce into your life. Um, or maybe introduce, you know, like I said, the writing thing. Maybe there's something new that's been niggling at you that maybe it's been there your whole entire life and you've never tried it or explored it, but you've always been interested in it, but you've never had the guts to do it. Or maybe the finances, depending on what it is, and maybe you're in a position that you're like, hey, I could try some classes in that. My parents uh were randomly, obviously, this was after I was married, but um or cities do like classes that you can take at night at at schools, at like middle schools or something like that. And my parents were taking what classes were they taking, like a dance class? They took like a a salsa class or I don't know, some sort of a class. They did it with some friends in their neighborhood. They all went and took this class for probably fifty dollars a person. I have no idea, it's not super expensive, and you go for like eight times. They they've done a bunch of these classes where they teach dance, they teach art, they teach, you know, different crafts and things. I don't know. I I I should find a flyer with a list. Um, but you know, that's something that they started doing, you know. We they were basically empty nesters, sort of. And yeah, they just went out and did it. You know, I'd be like, hey, I'm gonna come over tonight, you know, to grab something, and they're like, Oh, we're gonna be at our class. You know, it's like, what were you doing? Oh, we were taking a stained glass class. They they put together these stained glass window pane things. What? You know, which is awesome because I'm an ad I was an adult, I was married, I had kids, and seeing my parents still learning and taking classes and doing things together and with friends and stuff, that's a great example. So maybe that's something that you want to do is just take classes. You want to go back to school, okay? That's something that I've toyed around with. I, you know, completed, I don't know, a year and a half of college. It wasn't for me. I it ugh. Anyway, I it wasn't what I thought it was gonna be. I didn't love it that much. I knew what I wanted to do or things that I was interested in, but I don't know. I just didn't like the program, I guess. And so I was just like, I'm fed up with this. I I had a few teachers that I didn't agree with on things, and so that was also another thing. So as an adult, I'm like, hey, now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, maybe I'll go back and I'll give it another try. I don't know if I will, maybe I will, maybe I won't. No idea. But maybe that's something that you want to reintroduce yourself to is education, um, something like that. Maybe there's a stack a stack of books that you've been putting off and you're you used to be an avid reader and you want to start reading again, you know, go for it. Join a book group, something like that. Um anyway, so these are just a few ideas that I'm throwing out there that you could reintroduce yourself. To yourself. Alright. If this question of who am I has been circling in your head lately, I want you to know you're not behind, you're not broken, and you're not late. You're right on time for this version of life. In the next episode, we're going to be tackling another big question. Is it too late? And if that question has ever stopped you from trying something new, you'll want to stick around. And we kind of touched on a little bit of this, okay, just here with me throwing things out here at the end. Um, but I want to get into some of these big questions that arise around here. And so I'm gonna be doing a series of questions and just talking about the questions that we ask ourselves at this stage of life. And the next one is gonna be, like I said, is it too late? Um so until then, be gentle with yourself. You're not losing who you are, you're figuring her out. All right, guys, we'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget, rate, review, and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, and be sure to share this on social media. Share the podcast episode with a friend that you might think would enjoy this, would greatly appreciate all the word being spread. Um, I recently just saw that I had some people in uh other countries that listened, so I don't know how that's possible unless they know English, but hi and welcome. Um, but anyway, yeah, thank you guys so much for listening, and we'll see you in the next episode. 40-ish and figuring it out is produced and edited by me, Katie Collicker. Sound mixing, also me. We're a very efficient one woman show over here. The music for this episode was created using the Suno app. Special thanks to Suno for providing licensed royalty free music through their platform. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you in the next episode.