40ish & Figuring It Out

Running On Empty At Forty

• Katie Koelliker • Season 1 • Episode 14

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0:00 | 30:14

Ever wake up tired and wonder how that’s even possible after a full night’s sleep? We go straight to the root and name what so many in their late 30s and 40s are feeling: this isn’t a sleep problem, it’s a capacity problem. Between work, kids, aging parents, and the weight of being “on” for everyone, the mind and body are carrying more than they were built to carry nonstop—and the bill comes due as decision fatigue, compassion fatigue, and a constant energy drain.

Katie shares a raw snapshot from a chaotic December when her husband was sick, holiday logistics piled up, and every spare minute turned into caregiving, planning, and worry. From there, we get practical: why movement can lift mood when motivation is low, how perimenopause compounds stress signals, and the simple reframe that changes everything—rest isn’t a reward for getting enough done; it’s a requirement for staying human. We talk about micro-resets that actually work, like ten-minute decompression rituals after stressful drives, and the small choices that add margin without adding guilt.

The heart of the conversation centers on boundaries and discernment. You’ll hear how to say no to obligations that don’t fit, ask better questions about your real bandwidth, and choose supportive over impressive. We also unpack the let-them mindset for relationships that drain you, learning to release what you can’t control so you can protect your peace and show up for the people who meet you halfway. Expect a candid, compassionate guide to sustaining your energy, honoring your limits, and finding relief that lasts longer than a latte.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a tired friend, and leave a quick rating or review—then tell us: what are you ready to stop carrying this week?

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Katie:

Hello and welcome back to 40 ish and figuring it out, the podcast where we ask questions no one warned us we would be asking around 40. I'm your host, Katie. The last couple of weeks we've talked about who we are now and whether it's too late to want to do something different. And today's question usually shows up right after those two. Often when you're standing in the kitchen, again, wondering why you're exhausted, even though technically you actually got some sleep. Before we jump in, if this series has been resonating with you, it would mean so much to me if you'd subscribe, leave a rating, and send this episode to a friend who's also running on fumes. Alright, let's talk about it. Why am I so tired? I'm not talking about the kind of tired that a nap fixes. I'm talking about the tired where you wake up tired. Coffee or your caffeine is more emotional support than a beverage. And the idea of self-care feels like one more thing to manage. The kind of tired where someone asks how you're doing and you seriously consider saying, honestly, just tired. And sometimes I do answer that way. As a mom, especially with multiple kids so close in age, like this being tired is just a thing. It's just there. And it happens a lot. So I know that you guys can relate. Even after a good night's sleep, and you just wake up and you're just exhausted. I I I've had that for sure. But here's the thing: most of us aren't tired because we're lazy. We're tired because we're carrying too much. By 40, we're often juggling work, kids, aging parents, relationships, friendships, mental load, emotional labor, and the constant awareness of everyone else's needs. And we've been doing it for years. So obviously we're gonna be tired. This isn't a sleep issue, it's a capacity issue. Also, can we talk about how rest used to mean sleeping in? Now rest means no one's asking you questions, no one is touching you, and maybe if you're lucky, you can finish a thought. There's a specific exhaustion that shows up in your 40s, and again, it's not just physical, it's more emotional. It's the tired that comes from being the responsible one, being the strong one, and being the one who remembers everything. It's basically decision fatigue, it's compassion fatigue, it's the weight of always being quote on. And no amount of bubble baths can fix that. Many of you, if you know me personally, know that my husband was really sick through the month of December and still lingering with that. And so December was actually quite crazy for me because he was in bed a lot physically because he was just so sick, and with it being the holidays and trying to get everything ready for the holidays and things like that, I was having to pull a lot of extra weight that normally we split, and that was mentally and emotionally just very exhausting for me. Um, it it was very difficult trying to manage different things, trying to figure stuff out for the holidays, and figuring out our schedules and where people needed to be and what was going on, and it was just it was very difficult and very very stressful. Um, you know, it was our anniversary is right around then also, and so it was it was a different December than what we normally have and can celebrate, and so it was just it was very emotionally and physically demanding of me that I wasn't really expecting, and so there was a lot more expected of me to try and make things work out and different things, and I had um my my parents were gone for part of it, they had gone on a trip, and so it was just interesting to see like what my capacity was and where I pushed myself and how emotionally drained it was, and you know, trying to make sure that he was okay and and helping him with the needs and things, and taking him to doctors, and doing breathing treatments and different things that he needed to have done that you know were also extra time and working, and you know, so it was just super crazy and emotional, and that was just very recent. There have been other times where um things were emotionally and physically demanding um because of you know the capacity and the loads that we have to deal with and and share. But, you know, I got through it, and I probably I'm still reeling physically and emotionally from that. Like I I feel like I gained a bunch of weight in the last two months just from the mental and emotional weight that I had to carry because I wasn't focusing on myself, I was focusing so much on others, and so now is the time where I've been like trying to refocus back onto myself. So I was taking some dance exercise classes that I really enjoyed, and you know, body movement and different things to try and um help myself, which physical movement for me and most people, you know. Uh the what is it, the legally blonde quote quote about exercise produces endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy people don't shoot their husbands, that's the quote from the movie or whatever that is. And you know, so I know that when I'm exercising and I'm doing dance or physical movement with purpose and things, like I I'm in a better mood. And so I've been trying to be more conscious of that because if I can do it more, then you know, now that I'm I'm getting into that depressed state where I'm going, I'm not happy with the way that I look, I'm not happy with the way that things are, and then I it it goes on top of itself, and um versus trying to figure out you know, just the little wins that I can do. Anyway, that's a whole other episode in itself, but that's kind of where I'm at, and so I've I've been in that tired state, and now I'm trying to get myself out of it, and also hormones. Hormones are definitely getting involved. Perimenopause, stress, and life stage all overlap, but the problem isn't that something is wrong with you, the problem is that we were never taught to slow down, to ask for help, or adjust our expectations as our needs changed. So for me at least, you know, in those moments, um, you know, we're just taught that we need to push and push and just keep going until our bodily bodies finally say no. And so for me, that happens I don't want to say a lot, but I've seen it happen um in my in my life, you know. Um I had five kids in five years, my last two were twins. I was 30 or almost 30, and you know, so I was still pretty young, but I was that first year of having the twins, um, I looked like a deer in headlights because I was basically acting on I don't want to I I wanna say survival mode, but I mean it was just making sure everybody was everybody's needs were met and everybody was so young that you know they can't really take care of themselves. My oldest was five, five and a half. It's not like when kids are spread out a little bit more and they can, you know, help out or things like that, and they can hold a baby or feed a baby or things like that. I wasn't at that stage. I didn't I didn't have kids that could help change diapers or anything. So it was all on me and my husband. We did have help from family and friends um a little bit the here and there, you know, but it wasn't like a constant and we had to figure out how to do it ourselves. And you know, having had other kids really helped being able to, you know, know what we needed to do. Um, and so anyway, but it was it was a lot, and there was a lot of not sleep going on, and I lived off Dr. Pepper and Um and I finally, you know, after some time I was able to refocus again back on myself and was getting out of that because I had pushed myself and I had just pushed and pushed until my body was saying, no, you could see the dark bags under my eyes. And for those of you who saw me um in 20 end of 2015, 2016, maybe into 2017, I probably looked a lot different than I do now. Um, I know that in uh 20 end of 2016 or beginning of 2017, I can't remember when, I got a gym membership and I started going back to the gym and exercising and taking care of myself. Um, so that was something that I really wanted to go in on. But anyway, so our bodies will finally just say no to us after we've been pushing ourselves to just keep going. Um, which, you know, is rude for our bodies to just say no because a calendar warning would have been nice. So here's the reframe that changed everything for me. And I'm still working on it. But rest is not a reward for productivity, it's a requirement for being human. Rest is not a reward for productivity, it's re a requirement for being human. So you have to think about that. In exhaustion isn't a personal failure, it's feedback, it's your body and mind asking for fewer obligations, clearer boundaries, more honesty, and less pretending you're fine. Making sure that you're taking rest and recovering. You know, I I work with athletes, I've seen high-level athletes, and part of exercising and doing the sport is making sure that you have rest and recovery for your body to be able to, you know, continue and grow as an athlete. And sometimes when we're being in mom mode or just life mode, um, you don't have to necessarily be a mom, but for me, that's the easiest way for me to correlate it. But it's just making sure that we're taking time for ourselves and we're resting in recovery because I turn into mommy monster if I don't get my rest and recovery. And so sometimes I'll come home, even if we've just been in the car driving and it was a crap show because they all started fighting and arguing over the dumbest things, and nobody would listen, nobody would compromise, and it can be, you know, extremely stressful for whatever's going on. Not all car rides are sunshine and rainbows, um, but sometimes come home and just have to go into the bedroom and just decompress five, 10 minutes, 5-10, maybe 15 minutes, and just get away from that so that I don't bite somebody's head off. It's just one of those things where I'm like, I need you to leave me alone for right now. I need to go decompress, I need to feel my emotions, I need to calm myself, I need to center myself, and that's something that, you know, I can feel my body, you know, getting that adrenaline, and somehow I need to come down off of that high or whatever it could be. Um, and then when I get into that exhaustion phase of, you know, when I've been doing so much and just running, running, running, and I haven't taken the time to rest and recover and whatever, and your body just feels extremely exhausted, and that's where that tiredness comes from because your body's like mentally and emotionally, everything is just drained, and you just you need to recover from whatever may be something that you just went through, you know, like my December, and um trying to figure that out, asking for help, doing less. Um, you know, in that point, I was just like, is this something that we have to do? Um, you know, whatever it may be, to make sure that I wasn't going and taking my kids to things or going places that I didn't need to be going. Um, because I was like trying to prioritize stuff. I needed to make sure that I was doing what was necessary for whatever I needed to get done, but I didn't do extra, you know. So like my kids would want to go. My girls love the dollar store. I don't know if I've shared this, but they love going to the dollar store. And so, you know, if they ask that, you know, if they need to go to the dollar store, and I will ask them, is this something that actually needs to be done? I'm really busy, I'm doing other things. Like, is this something that we can wait and hold off until tomorrow? Is this something we have to do today? And, you know, one of my daughters got really upset with me because I think I said that like maybe two days in a row, but we really didn't have time with whatever was going on. And you know, like she asked again last night at 8 30 after we had just gotten home from soccer practice and people were gonna be eating second dinner, and I was just like, We're not going to the dollar store right now, now is not the time to ask, you know, like um, so she got she she was all emotional last night anyway. She was already upset because her older sister sat in the front seat and it was her turn to sit in the front seat with whatever deal her and her twin sister have anyway. It was a whole mess. So she did not have a good night. And I tried to explain some things to her, and she got upset again, and I was like, look, this isn't the time to ask. 8 30 on a school night is not the time to ask, especially after we just got home from somewhere else. Like, uh, you know, this is not the time to ask. We can do this another time. And anyway, she was upset about it. One of the other things was um, I was gonna share this story. Um, I had it was I can't remember if it was early Jan, I think it was in early January, one of the first or second Sundays in January, I got asked by somebody in the church that I go to if I would say like the opening or closing prayer in um our big meeting, and he, you know, they were like, totally cool if you don't want to, just checking, you know, and I at that time emotionally and physically like it was a no for me. And a lot of people feel obligated, especially with religious things, that they feel like they have to say yes. And for me at that time, I was just like, it's gotta be a no, you know, any other week I probably could, but at that time, the capacity that I had, I didn't feel like I would be able to deliver and be emotionally like what needs to be there for the moment and that service that needed to, and so I so I said no. And um I remember when I was younger, my mom, my mom was a big no to a lot of things, um, especially when it came to um being asked to do stuff um in church, and that's one of the things that a lot of people are like, oh well, you shouldn't always say no, and it's like, well, and this is gonna get a little bit religious for a second, but it's like, you know, if this is really what God wants me to do, then I would, you know, feel that I need to say yes, I guess. Um, and so for me, like I will use discernment if I'm gonna say yes or no to something, and if I don't feel good about it when the question is asked, the answer is no, because that's my intuition telling me that it's not the right time for that. And I don't want to feel bad about that because that's my own internal intuition speaking for me. And you know, they say usually your first hunch is right, and so anyway, so I don't feel bad about saying no to certain things. I know that there are some people who are like, you know, in your church or religion or whatever it may be, like if somebody asks you to do something, you should always say yes, and I was like, eh, no, because that doesn't breed good teaching things, and so I don't want to teach my kids that they have to say yes to everything, you know, use discernment anyway. And so sometimes it feels uncomfortable to say no to things like that, but if you're not emotionally in it, like is the delivery for whatever it may be, if you're asked to speak somewhere or something, like is the delivery, is the message going to be received if you're extremely overwhelmed? Is this you know piling on to things that you're already committed to? Is that something that you should be doing? And you have to use your own personal discernment to say whether or not you have the capacity for that, but it's also a boundary that you need to set with yourself. Do I have too much on my plate? Is my sink of dishes gonna topple over because I'm adding another plate to the ones that I haven't finished already? Um, and so it's just knowing what your own capacity is, and some people's capacity is a lot different than others. Um, I tell people about my life and my schedule, and they look at me like I'm a crazy person, and to them I am, but to other people that I know, their schedules are even crazier than mine. Everybody's different, and your capacity is different, and the way that you deal with things is different, and so you know what how many tab like I I jokingly said to my kids the other day, and I can't remember what it was, but I remember saying, you know, I got like 50 tabs open and half of them are still loading, like you know, and they laughed, but that's just how how I operate. Moral of the story that I was trying to say is that you need to do what's best for you to keep your own peace, and so if somebody asks you to do something, you need to decide at that moment do you have the capacity to be able to fulfill that obligation, whatever it is, to your best of your abilities? And are you gonna feel crappy if you're not able to execute it the way that you want to because you're so busy and exhausted? And if the answer is yes, then don't take it, don't say yes just because you feel like you have to. You know, there's a lot of people who feel like they have to say yes to everything when they're asked, and you don't. Just say, hey, let me think about it, let me check what I've got going on, and I'll get back to you of whether or not this is gonna be a good fit or not. Because sometimes I I'm sort of a perfectionist on certain things, and if I'm not gonna be able to execute it to the level that I want, I don't even want to start the project because I'll feel awful and I'll feel like I didn't I wasn't able to give it all the attention that I could. And so anyway, that's just me. But set the boundary with yourself, you know, you don't have to say yes to everything. Do I have the emotional and mental capacity to do this? Is this gonna get me over that exhaustion line? Am I gonna hit that exhaustion stage because I I took on something else that maybe I shouldn't have? And sometimes you say yes to things and then life happens and you don't get to do it the way that you wanted because other things ended up happening after you said yes. And sometimes that's just the way life is, and we just laugh at it afterwards. But instead of asking, how do I get more energy? Okay, we need to try asking, what am I doing out of obligation that no longer fits? So again, thinking about that. Where am I over functioning? So are you doing things more over-function? Uh uh, am I over-executing on certain things? I don't know. Am I putting too much detail into something that maybe doesn't need as much detail? What would feel supportive and not impressive? But small changes count, you know, like if you're if your kids go to bed really late, my kids go to bed really late because half the time we're not even home until nine o'clock. Um, but if you're home, try earlier bedtimes, um, seeing if that's something that you can normally do, whatever works for your family. Um, saying yes, less, you know, not totally saying no to everything, but just yes, less, more margin, and less guilt. This isn't about optimizing your life, it's about sustaining it. So take a deep breath and sit with. This, what am I tired of carrying? Not physically but emotionally. Just think about that. What's something that emotionally you're carrying that maybe is something that it's it's too much? It's something that you need to not be carrying anymore, and it's weighing on you a lot. Um and see if there's some way that that can that burden can be unloaded and that weight can be lifted off your shoulders, and maybe that will help you continue and move forward in life. Um feeling less exhausted. I don't know. I don't know what that could be. You know, maybe you're um I I mentioned this when I was doing an interview recently with somebody. Um the let them theory, you know, are you focusing too much on something that you have absolutely no control over? Is there a relationship dynamic that you're so focused on because it's not the way that you want it to be? Maybe it's a family member or a friend, and you're more emotionally invested in that relationship than other than the other person is, or maybe you're trying to make something work that's never gonna work because that other person doesn't want to reciprocate the feelings, and you need to just let them be, you know, the let them theory. And I haven't read the book or anything, I've listened to some things and I get the general premise of it, and um, you know, for me, there was something um personally that I had to just finally say because I was trying to fix something that I don't even know why it's broken, and I don't really understand it. And um I finally was just like, I just need to let them be. I tried to set a boundary in different things, the boundary wasn't anyway, as a whole thing, and so finally I just was like, you know what, I'm just gonna let them be, and I'm not gonna let their attitude and the way that they behave when I'm around them affect me and my family because they can just do that, and it's quite interesting the dynamic that I've seen because it's um they will interact with which they used to not even do this, they used to not even interact or talk with people when we were all together, they would only interact with the hosts, basically, and um they were quite rude, but now it's just me and my family that they won't interact with, and whatever. Like, I'm just gonna let them because they're missing out on a lot. Like, my fa I think my family's great, but they don't have to like my family, whatever. But um it is very interesting because um other people were like, oh, that's just how they are, and it's like just because that's just how they are doesn't give them the right to treat everybody else like sh excuse me, um, like garbage, like crap, you know, like it there has to be some amount of respect. And there's a lot of disrespectful things that I've seen this these people do um to people that I love and I don't appreciate it. And unfortunately at this point, I'm just like, you know what? I've spent too many years trying to figure out what the heck is wrong. Um, and because they won't talk to me, like I can't even ask them what's wrong. And like I'll ask like a simple question, and if I ever get an answer, I'm lucky. So um I I it's very interesting. Like, I I don't know, and um it's really sad um to see what this is and what it's turned into and become. But anyway, I I yeah, and that's one of those things where I finally was just like after so long, I was like, you know what, I'm just I'm done trying. And if they don't want to talk to me, be friends with me, whatever, fine, that's on them. I'm not gonna make them, I'm just gonna let them be and live their life the way that they wanna live it, and whatever, whether we agree or not, I don't care because I'm just gonna let them live their life the way that they are and let my family be the way that they are and whatever. And once I started doing that, um, the interactions like I just ignore it, I don't really pay it much mind. I used to try and do little things to try and make things better, and I feel like it just made things worse, and so now I just ignore the subject altogether, basically, and that's all I can do, and um anyway, um, I don't want to get too into it or anything like that, but that's that's kind of where I'm at, and emotionally, you know, I do feel sad sometimes um because things are missed and missing out, and um I don't know, I feel like there's a lot of disrespect um not just towards me, like honestly, I don't care if it's towards me. It's actually I'm actually more concerned about the other people, um and whatever. So um, but yeah, so emotionally on that, just kind of let it be and whatever. And it's definitely made it a lot lighter, like I said. Um, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. I'm just like, whatever. Like if it really mattered that much um to the other person um or people, then you know, maybe we'd have a conversation about it one day, but uh I don't think they care either. And so whatever, and it's unfortunate. And anyway, so if there's something that you're overthinking and spending way too much time on, um, you know, emotionally, just let it go, you know, and I have a I have another friend that I've been helping look out for with some things, and so emotionally, like I want to make sure that they are okay, um, because it's definitely emotional warfare, and so I'll check in with them um to see how they're doing and you know give them heads up on certain things and just say, hey, looking out for you, want to make sure you're okay. Do you need a wingman, um, woman for for something to make sure? Because I'm I'm at the point where I don't, I don't care, you know, if you're gonna be mean to my friend, like I'm gonna be mean right back, and you know, my friends are a little afraid of me. Um, you know, but it's really just me trying to hype them up that hey, I'm here, I'm here to support you, and I'll do whatever I, you know, I'll go to bat for you. You know, I want them to know that I love them and I support them and that I will do like I'm more than likely not gonna be put in a position where I actually have to, you know, do something drastic on their behalf. But I just want them to know that they have somebody in their corner, and that's my way of showing it. Um, and letting them know, hey, I'm here for you, whatever you need. And um sometimes that's all it takes. Um, but yeah. All right, so if you're exhausted right now, I want you to hear this. You're not broken, you're not weak, you're not failing at adulthood, you're tired because you've been strong for a very long time. Until then, rest where you can, release what you can, and remember, you don't have to earn your rest. Just make sure you do rest. Um, anyway, thank you guys so much for listening. Again, be sure to follow, share, subscribe. Um, and I will see you guys in the next episode. Thank you. 40-ish and figuring it out is produced and edited by me, Katie Collicker. Sound mixing, also me. We're a very efficient one woman show over here. The music for this episode was created using the Suno app. Special thanks to Suno for providing licensed royalty free music through their platform. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you in the next episode.