FLYOVER DEEPDIVE - Strangers By Belle Burden

You've asked for more deep dives into the books we're reading, and we listened! Originally recorded back in May as part of our Pop-Culture Potluck, we're releasing this Flyover Deep Dive as a standalone episode dedicated to one of the summer's most talked-about books: Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage by Belle Burden.

This haunting work of nonfiction tells the story of Burden's separation and divorce from her hedge-fund husband during the early days of the pandemic. It's filled with the glittering world of New York high society, but it's also an important cautionary tale about why married women need to understand their finances.

The besties discuss how much sympathy a member of the 1% really deserves, what the book teaches us, her doofer ex, and how we'd handle the same situation. (Spoiler: It would not be with Burden's quiet dignity. Bestie Husbands, you've been warned.)

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:11

I'm Lauren and I'm Emily. And we're Midwest besties.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

All right, welcome everybody. Welcome to our flyover deep dive on Strangers, a memoir of a marriage by Belle Verden. I listened. Okay, so I started hearing rumblings about this book. Um, it was released in January, so it's still very new, but I think it's really picking up steam majorly right now. Yep. Um, she's on like a press tour, she had an Oprah interview, she's been on the Today Show, like she's making her rounds. Yeah. Um, and so I I think it was someone I follow on Instagram, like posted the book, and I was immediately like, this sounds really interesting. I'm going to listen to this. I love to listen to a memoir. So I started listening to it on Spotify, and I was like immediately captivated. I think I texted you right away and I was like, You this book is bananas, you have to listen to it.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

I was so the again, like, this is how much her team is doing a great job. Like I opened my Spotify and I listened to a lot of my audiobooks on Spotify, and it like popped up like this is recommended for you. And I was like, Oh hell yeah. It also is it definitely like if you have watched Love Story and you're like, and you're kind of in this like waspy New York Peace Coast, peace coast, it it will it will fill that hole in your heart. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:37

100% because they so basically the premise of this entire book is the their the downfall of their marriage and like their divorce it's really their divorce. So it starts out, they're in COVID, they're what she thinks happily married, they have three children, they go, they flee New York during the early days of the pandemic and go to their house um on Martha's Vineyard, and within days she finds out he was having an affair. He initially was like, Oh no, it meant nothing. I love you, like please, I'm like whatever, and then wakes up the next day and is like, I'm leaving you. I've I'm not happy. My bags are packed. I don't want the kids. I don't want custody of our kids. Um, um, you can have the house, bye. And just like leaves.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

And this is March of 2020.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

So like full lockdown. Yeah. Full lockdown, months and months to come of you know, uncertainty and just like that, knowing that, like having to travel back to that time frame as well, and knowing this happened, just like really changed the theme of the book too. Like, just oh my god. Yes, can you imagine? I literally cannot. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

So she had a 12-year-old and 15-year-old daughters, and then she had an 18-year-old son who was living with friends. Um, and then so uh just having kids and having to be like, quote, okay for the kids during such a time of uncertainty, and then having your partner just walk out on you.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Nuts, not even co-parenting with you.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

So another crucial element of this is obviously how rich she is.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Yes, very, very wealthy.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Belle Burden herself is not famous, but she comes from a lot of fame. Uh, her grandmother was Babe Paley, who like for I for me, like I know who that is because she was a swan in that in that Ryan Murphy show. Yeah. The swans with Truman Capote. Yeah. Um, so she is like high elite, high elite New York. Um so and he also was super grossly waspy, but his family uh lost their fortune, like um, and when they decided to get married, there was a prenup involved that really offended him. Um, but you know, it was standard to protect her assets.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

So she had to have a prenup, like to access her trust. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Oh and then he puts the caveat in, fine, I'll sign this, but because they were both successful lawyers at the time, whoever whatever we bring into the marriage, like we get to keep.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

So it's like I buy a car and it's in my name, we get divorced, that's my car. You have no rights to that, you're not entitled to any piece of that, to profits of that, nothing. Yep. And so they do this, she does this against legal advice. Yep. And I mean, when she read that part of the book, I like had chills. I was like, Yep, oh my god, this is so bad. And then she also recounts that when they purchased their New York apartment, which I'm sure is so nice, yep, um, they were able to do that because she accessed her trust and put she got the trust, put the down payment on it to buy it and put it in both their names. Yight and then they bought their vacation home on Martha's Vineyard, and she does the same exact thing, drains her trust to buy it, puts it in both of their names. Okay. So we know this, like we we get that information pretty early on about their relationship. And so I just think every single woman should read this book.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

And she has reiterated that if she wants it to do anything, it's have the conversation about your finances. Even if you are in a relationship where your husband is really good at numbers and you're overwhelmed, for one thing, it's not that hard to learn this kind of shit. No, um, and she's saying that as like someone who like thought she was bad at it. Read your tax husband's tax returns, read your tax returns, have an understanding, and also just like don't sign any prenups that make you uncomfortable. I mean, for me, like as a Midwesterner, that's like not something that is ever in our vernacular, but it's it's me and my husband are like wonderfully happy, but we sat down and talked about finances after I read this book because I don't really know, he knows more about finances, but our finances than I do. Yeah. And we sat down and had a conversation about it. Like even if you are so happy, like what happens when the relationship ends.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

And it was, I think it's just also this idea, too, of so they're both successful lawyers, they get married, they have kids, she becomes a stay-at-home mom. This is kind of a tale as old as time. She's still doing pro bono work and like volunteer work, but her job is she's a mom, she's taking care of the kids. Um, and he is not really involved. It sounds like he is working seven days a week. As a hedge fund manager, yeah. I mean, they're extraordinarily wealthy. They just they live, my sister and I were talking about it, and I was like, they live in a different plane of reality. It's it's it's not only are they extraordinarily wealthy, it is a very like East Coast, like different echelon of like lifestyle than we can ever relate to. Their kids went to boarding school, they have this vacation home on the vineyard, like it they they um belong to a club there. He has a Rolex, you know, collection. Um, it's it's really crazy. So it there's also this element of like, we're not gonna feel bad for you. Like, you're so fucking rich. Like, why should we feel bad for you? You're so privileged. And I think she does a good job of like addressing her privilege in the book and really acknowledging it and understanding how lucky she is because it's like she was a stay-at-home mom, but they had a nanny. So, um, but I'm sorry, like as any mom can say, like I could use a fucking nanny. Correct. Like, I'm not gonna hate on her or judge her for that.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

And I I mean, obviously, there's an element of a woe is me because it's a divorce memoir. Of course. I think she keeps it in check.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

She does.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

And there is always this element of understanding her privilege. Yeah. Everywhere there can be, she checks her privilege. I felt like that for sure. There is because she, her proponent work is in immigration cases. Yeah. Um, and you know, she had to work on this immigration case during the pandemic, like why her husband left her, and she was doing a really shitty job. Um, and the because she the people that she worked with are children, and the mom of the person that she was defending was like, Are you okay? And she's like, No, I'm not okay. And and she's like, I've been there, I feel so sorry for you. And and and Belle, the author, was like, I feel so stupid. Yeah. Like I, this person has been through so much more than I have, and she is giving me empathy when I'm the one that should be standing up for her. So because of her privilege, she is in this position to call out men's behavior, yeah. And to say, like, this happens all the fucking time. Yeah. Like it's we literally have an expression, tale as old as time, man leaves his wife when she turns 50.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

Like because she was 50 when he left her, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

I mean, it was you could not.

SPEAKER_00 8:41

And he said, You're y you're still young, you'll be fine. Literally get fucked. I will drown you in this ocean.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

I mean, I've obviously been down the reddit holes of like, have you? What can we learn about this man to take?

SPEAKER_00 8:54

I immediately looked up a picture. I'm like, this fucking doofer. Doofer. Doofer. Because come to find out, when they're going through their divorce, like he's been making millions and millions and millions of dollars.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Oh, and don't give me so someone on Reddit was like, this was this was a long con. He like found out that she was like someone famous from they like worked together at a law firm, but she kept like who she was, yeah, like under wraps, and he like saw it in a news article. Like, because she was like donating, I don't know, her dad's art collection to some like museum. Um, and that's when he became interested in her. He got out, he stopped being a lawyer, he started becoming a finance guy at her uncle's firm. Yeah. I mean, this guy is a piece of work.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

He's a fucking con artist, piece of shit. The fact that he just like and he gripped Grifter, Grifter with a Rolex collection. Like, he comes back to this. This was crazy when she's talking about how he they he comes back. She had to like, he was like, I'll just we'll tell the kids over Zoom, or you can tell them we're getting divorced. And she's like, You need to be here. Like, you we have to do this together. And so he comes back to tell the kids, and she's like, he's like so happy. He seemed like a tell the kids, and then he's like, Okay, great. And then he looks at her and he's like, I'm so hungry. Can you make me a sandwich? Girl, and she does, and it's like, girl, stand up.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

I and I knew there would be a difference between me and Belle is the night he tells her that he had an affair. This was like in between that like 12-hour period where he was like, I had an affair, but I love you and I and I want to stay with you. He just goes to sleep. Yeah, he just goes to sleep and she just walks into because he like slept in the guest room and just walks and sees him sleeping and then just goes in a room and like lies awake into him. The way I would wake that motherfucker up, the way I would wake that motherfucker up like fucking good fellas, like the whole island would be awake.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

No one would be getting sleep that night. Let me just tell you. The way my hot-blooded, no fucking way, my Midwestern, like, no, you cannot. Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_01 11:11

Cops would be cool. We got a hot one.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

And then he goes downstairs and she makes a sandwich. She's looking for him, she's looking for him, she finds him, he's rooting around through all these boxes and she's like, What are you doing? And he's like, I'm looking for our prenup. You need to send it to me if you find it. I mean, he was immediately, and so basically she had to, she tried to counter during the divorce. The judge enforced the prenup. So so everything, all of the money that was made is in his name. The houses are also in his name. She pretty much has nothing but is hopeful that it's either with the houses, she's gonna have to buy him out or they sell and split.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

And this is why the book is so good because it is a divorce memoir, but there is the section of that book that reads like a financial thriller. Yes, like it is page turning. Totally. Like it is what is not. I know. So I did audio and um and uh and kindle and fabulous. For one thing, she is a fabulous reader, she's a really good reader.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

I loved listening to her.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Um, just so great.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

It's just so good. I would just say, like, you should everybody should listen to it. And it's it's really a cautionary tale, too, in like financial literacy, being involved in the finances of your marriage as a woman, and I think also like losing your identity in a man or in a family or in your with your kids, like there being a stay-at-home mom is absolutely worthy, and there is nothing wrong with doing that, but you just need to make sure you are doing that in a way that protects you if there was an outcome like this, because this shit happens and you don't think it's gonna happen, and it fucking happens.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

Financial Feminist says that if you're a stay-at-home mom, your husband needs to be paying you a salary, bitch. Yes, and I don't think like it can be as extreme as that, but like calculate what it would cost for someone to do the laundry, to do the dishes. And how much does a nanny cost? One of her a lot. The greatest. So I mean, obviously, after you read it, the the Oprah interview is really good. Yeah. Um, but you know, she does she just does this fabulous job of telling this without bitterness. Totally. That is without anger. That is extremely powerful. Yes, I agree. Um, as I like was talking about like good fellas or whatever. But like there it is something that's incredibly powerful, but it she has this line where she's like, it's not the money or the affair, it's what chills me to my bones, what keeps me up at night, is this idea that he thinks that what I contributed to our marriage amounted to nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Get him banned. Get him fucking banned.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

Get him banned. Get him banned. We don't do that here. And when it comes down to it, like in in these lawsuits, like it is what's on paper. You know, it's like we know what we contribute, what women, what women by and large are contributing to households all over, is a lot of it is invisible labor. Yes. It is mental labor. And you cannot account for that. A forensic forensic accountant cannot account for that during a divorce.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

And if we can look back to Lindy West's book, I mean, it's it's it's what you should do is get yourself a watch.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Oh my god, why didn't she just say actually, let's be Polly. Let's just get a bookfriend. Let's bring her in. It was it was a crazy book. I absolutely recommend it. Listen to it. I thought it was a really great listen. Um, I did go out and buy the hard copy book because I was like, this is important. This is real. This is really real. We would absolutely recommend. Um, like I said, I loved listening to it. Emily did the hybrid version. However, you want to get your media, we support it, baby. Absolutely. All right. Thanks, guys.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

Thanks for joining us on this flyoverdeep.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Uh besties who read books.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

Besties read books.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Let us know what you think and let us know if you read it. Let us know what your thoughts are. Yes, please.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

All right. Bye bye.