Looking Good With an Ostomy (Our Take)

Looking good with an ostomy isn’t about perfection… it’s about perspective.
This episode is our honest take on what actually helps you feel attractive again—after your body has changed.

We’re not here to tell you what you should do.
We’re sharing what’s worked for us, what didn’t, and the small shifts that made the biggest difference in how we show up in our bodies.

Because confidence doesn’t come from hiding.
It comes from understanding how to work with yourself again.

In this episode, we talk about:

●      Clothing choices: hiding vs highlighting (and why both are valid)

●      How posture instantly changes how people perceive you

●      Hygiene habits that reduce anxiety and build confidence

●      The truth about “feeling sexy” after surgery

●      Small, realistic ways to present yourself that actually make a difference

●      The mindset shift that changes everything

This isn’t about becoming someone else.
It’s about reconnecting with the version of you that still exists underneath all of it.

📌 Connect With Us
Trina Ricketts – The Intimate Ostomate
Website: intimateostomate.com
Instagram:   / intimateostomate 
Youtube:    / @intimateostomate 
Books, guides, coaching & resources
Coaching • Books / Guides • Resources • Intimacy Advocacy

Nicole Richards - Ostomy Innovations
Website: ostomyinnovations222.com
Instagram:   / ostomyinnovations 
Youtube:    / @ostomyinnovations222 
Coaching • Wellness • Disability advocacy • Ostomy Clothing

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Welcome back to Rewired and Desired, where intimacy, mindset, and disability intersect. I am your co-host, Nicole Richards, and we have my lovely other co-host, Trina Ricketts. And today we are going to be talking about how to look sexy and feel confident and beautiful with an ostomy. Mm-hmm. So getting right into it, Trina, why don't you open up with this one? I feel like I feel like you have a lot of good stuff to say about this.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Well, I do actually like to give advice on how to look good with an ostomy because I've gone through my phases. And actually, we talked about this before how when you got your surgery, you just got rid of a bunch of clothes.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Yes. So jeans especially.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Yeah. Well, and most of my genes were really low, but like some osp. So yeah, so here's the thing. We actually have a lot of options when it comes to clothes. And it kind of like the two ways we can go in my mind with pants, for instance, are either high-waisted, if you can fit your ostomy underneath your high-waisted pants or screw or whatever, or like hipster, and then you have your bag out, and you can either put like a bag cover on it or just let it all hang out. Some people like to wear, you know, like fit it at the top, and then the bottom of the shirt is flared, so it's not as noticeable. I've I used to wear really tighter shirts because I always had like a pretty flat stomach. And when I had my ostomy surgery, I thought I'm never going to be able to wear tight things again. So I got rid of everything tight that I had. And I had to rebuild it.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

And it's kind of preference. Like I was talking to my friend um who lives out over on the East Coast, and she is designing this shirt, and she's about to launch in a few months. But you actually wear your bag on the outside of your clothing, and then you and so you're not wearing high-waisted because she doesn't like high-waisted. And so you tuck, you literally tuck the bag into the shirt. It has the special pocket for it.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Right. And so for me, I don't, I mean, I can't wait to try it because I'm someone who likes wears the high-waisted. I have my own underwear company. I have the pocket inside so that the the bag sits not against your skin. So there's two different ways. But she did mention that she was afraid, she still is, she doesn't like to compress her bag or wear tight fitting clothing where I do. Me too. I want to hide it. But I've always been someone who likes tight fitting, form, wants to, you know, press things out. So it is, it's it's preference. But then also I've realized for some ostomates, they've been getting their surgeries have been higher. So way above their belly button.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

So that's not really an option.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

So it's not an option where mine's lower. So it's it's dependent, but it's also preference.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

And there's also to me, like some of the worst leak stories I've heard are people who had uh two two-piece system and it somehow snagged and came off. And so like I wear a two-piece system, and I'm worried that if I was letting my bag hang out, that it would get snagged and pulled off. Yeah. I feel really confident with it held against my body. So do I.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

So do I. Yeah. And I think that's part of the not feeling like it's showing type through your clothing, right? Because if you're covering it up, then you don't feel like people are you're not drawing attention. Yeah. You know, like keep it, even sometimes just wearing leggings, I can notice, you know, the circle is very, very apparent where where my bag attaches to my appliance.

SPEAKER_00 3:56

So I get a little belly bulge right in that area.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Are you sure it's a belly bulge?

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Yeah, it's a belly bag bulge.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Were you just happy to see me?

SPEAKER_00 4:09

I'll have to think about that one. That's okay. But yeah, it's definitely an option, like depending on what people like. Like, I can't imagine just walking around with my bag out. I've thought about buying one of those. I just love it. Love this fashion. Uh, it's it's like a over-the-shoulder bag, and it's cut out in the back so that the bag your bag off me bag goes in it, and then you have like a so it just looks like your shoulder bag. Yeah. And it's so hot. I think it looks so like sexy on people.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

Yeah, yeah. No, I've seen that. Somebody posted actually in the group about it. Um, but it makes sense because it also, if you're like going to the beach, you know, you can just wear that and still wear and still wear a two-piece swimsuit and be covering your bag. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

But I also cover mine to muffle the noises too. So I would be nervous about it being noisier if it's just hanging out like that, too.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

That's so true. That's so true. Because I find myself, I I do know that when I put a little compression on it, it does help for sure. Yeah. Yeah, that's one thing. And then too, you know, I think part of that is, you know, when we're speaking about like looking good at isosimate and, you know, really paying attention to, you know, our our what we look like. You know, just emptying our bag or changing our bag is a huge part of that. Um, I think I find myself changing my bags maybe more often than I should for the supplies that I have, but that's how I feel confident. That's how I feel, you know, good about myself because they say there's like um a phantom smell, and I feel that a lot. Like I feel yeah, I feel like I can smell it sometimes, but it's also the bags that I wear and the material they're made out of. They they that mixed with poop just creates a smell that I feel like I can smell. So it's important.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Okay. Have you thought about trying a different system to see if you can do that?

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Well, that's why I asked you. Oh, I've tried. I've tried another system and it did not work. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm not doing that. But I what that's why I asked you, uh messaged you a couple weeks ago, like what what drops do you use? Because you swear by that. Is it M9 or something?

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Uh M9 is one of the ones I use. Um the one that I buy in Canada is NASENT M-A-S-D-E-N-T. And it's less expensive. M9 is quite expensive. Every I've tried a few different odor drops and they all work. Do they?

SPEAKER_01 6:40

I've never honestly tried them.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

I mean, I I would I wouldn't couldn't live without them.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

Yeah. Okay, so if you do, if you don't use them, do you feel like you smell?

SPEAKER_00 6:51

I mean, I don't know because I've never not used them. Uh when I had my first ostomy years ago, I don't remember worrying about my smell, but I do remember before I had the odor drops how bad it made the bathroom smell. And that embarrassed me because I wasn't in a safe relationship. You know, I felt like embarrassed in front of my not very nice husband.

unknown 7:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

So do the do the drops actually help you not smell when you're emptying your bag or changing your bag?

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Oh. Okay. Sometimes if the bag is like fuller, like in the middle of the night or something, I'll add drops to it and like kind of, you know, let it swish around before I'll empty it. That way there's no smell in the bathroom. But normally I don't have to do that because it's not usually that full. And whatever drops I have put in, like I just put drops in every time I change it, I cut a couple drops.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

I'm I'm gonna do this because note to self, once I actually do start dating again, like there to be smelly in the bathroom. I know. So that's great to know. Because I thought it was just like really just when you're wearing the bag and like, but I didn't realize if you once you take your bag off, there's not smell.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Like, I don't, I don't think you should smell, have any smell at any time with the bag, except for when you're emptying it. And if you can have drops and avoid that, then at least for me, I'm really sensitive to smells. And the first time I had the ostomy, I hated the smells so much. That was a big part of why I wanted to my life to end if I had to keep it. Because I didn't know about odor drops, and I thought I was gonna have to deal with that smell for the rest of my life. So when I found out about odor drops, like I'm this time, I I bought them before I went to the hospital for my surgery because I was like, Yeah, I'm starting out this way, baby.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Yeah, no in between. Made a big difference for me, huge difference. Yeah, okay. So that's that's good to know. So yeah, so note to audience, deodorizer, making sure your bags change, and then two, just like part of that, I think, is also making sure you're changing when you're supposed to to avoid the leaks as it is, but then two to avoid the smell because when when the when it starts like peeling back from your skin, you can start to smell more than you know when you have a fresh change, right? So that's important, that's important to um for our high change.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

That has not happened to me. Maybe it's because of the odor drops. I don't know. Maybe and but I've not had any deal. The only time I smelled anything was when my bag tore once, and I got a little bit of a smell, and I was like, oh okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:21

That's probably yeah. So these drops, man, this just sounds where it's at. I'm I'm all about it. I'm I'm doing that.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Yeah, and like I've also heard some people have problems with like their filter can cause a smell. And for me, I cover my filter.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Yeah, I don't. So maybe I should.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

Maybe. I mean, I like if I don't, then it suctions to my stoma, and then my and then I'll get leaks. Like it'll start pancaking if I do that, if I have a filter, because the filters in my bags are so good that they're just like there's no air in there. I'd rather just go and get the air out whenever there's a little bit of air.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

Yeah, for sure, for sure. Okay, hmm. Interesting. Well, I'm gonna try those things, and clearly you all should too.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Yeah. I mean, one thing I never did before I had an ostomy is I never wore high-waisted pants. I'm right now wearing a high-waisted sweatpants. So you did it before? I never did, ever. Everything was more hipster, low-waisted. And so I I I actually was so excited once I started wearing high-waisted because I was like, these are so comfortable. Yeah. Um, and they're really just and then I started buying crop tops. Before that, I wouldn't wear crop tops because of my scars. Yeah, and it would be too low. So you'd have a big section of your tummy showing, you know. Mostly I had no belly button and really bad scars, and my tattoo was all messed up from my previous surgery, so I didn't want to show my stomach.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

And I couldn't wear crop tops, and now I can wear crop tops again.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Two definitely.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

I love to and it's simple, and it's simple, and that's the point, too, is like, you know, uh dressing with what's comfortable, but also, like you said, just because you have an ostomy doesn't mean you can't like be seen, doesn't mean that you can't be fashionable. Um, you know, Jurene Taylor, right? She's in a she's a model, she's a double osten, she's beautiful, she is all about fashion. If you don't follow her, you should. Um she's she's a spokesperson uh for many, many different organizations, but um yeah, just it it can be done. It just requires planning, and it's important to keep your style, but also you're presenting to the world. And because you're feeling I don't want to say, because in the beginning, some people think they feel gross or dirty or whatever, even more of a reason to present yourself beautifully to the world.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Well, I went through like a major phase, the first ostby where I wore everything baggy. I rolled down my sweatpants so nothing touched, but then I was also, I had like it was an emergency surgery, I had wounds that wouldn't heal, was just all a nightmare, obviously. But I was wearing like oversized clothes, my bag was hanging out, so when it farted, it was really loud, and and I felt like crap, and I I was really ashamed of the bag and ashamed of the smell that it made and didn't feel beautiful, didn't feel sexy. I let it destroy me. Yeah, and I didn't do that the second time, and that's why I think you know, finding a way to feel like you look good is really helpful for our insecurities, like to help us get over our insecurities because people don't actually notice, nobody notices the bag unless we're unless we're wearing it out, of course. Yeah, yeah. But if we're if it's under our clothes, nobody notices it, nobody sees it. So it's we can look good and feel good. I for a long time would only wear shirts that were long enough to kind of hide in case the bag got air in it. I don't even care anymore. I wear jeans and crop tops now, and I I just go to the bathroom often and let the air out if any air is in there. And I do my fasting and take my emodium and you know, I work with it so that when I'm at an event or I'm engaging in intimacy or whatever it is where at that moment I really don't want anything to happen. Um, there's less of a chance.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

100%.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

And then having the compression garments on top of it really muffles any noise and it makes me feel pretty comfortable and confident going to like my kids' performances where everyone's super quiet. You know? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

You find what works for you. You have it, it takes some time. It's no reason we shouldn't leave the house or try to look good however that as to ourselves. Um, but it does take a little time to figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

You know, I mean, I'm still experimenting with what I can get away with clothing-wise.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

Yes, yes. And it doesn't have to, I just feel like I feel like all of these things, it you don't have to have a ton of money to make a big difference in the way that you present, right? Um thrifter like me. I me too. I I am so excited to go home and thrift because I've I well, I would hear thrift stores are still super expensive, but I don't can't even leave the house to go do it. Um, so I'm super excited to go home and like revamp my closet with all sorts of thrift finds.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

As a single woman getting out there.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Yeah, we'll see.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

Like, yeah, we'll we'll see. If I have enough time for it. Um looking good with like an ostomy is surely for sure there's like clothes or an issue or something we want to pay attention to. But I think another thing that a lot of people don't think about or notice is posture. Like when you sit in next time you're sitting in a restaurant or a library or anywhere where people are sitting, look around and I am shocked sometimes that sometimes I'm the only person in the whole place that's not like this.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

Yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

And like look at the difference from slouching from this to this, to this. Which I was kind of slouching, but I'm actually playing on my well, I mean, when you're sitting at a computer, there's a little bit of there's always like a little when you're relaxing your shoulders or whatever, but I'm talking like people who are curled in, curled in from looking at their phones and curled in from feeling insecure.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Well, and too, like just like in the dinner, like if you're out to dinner or you're at the bar. I mean, even more of a reason to show up confidently, right? Because you're you're approachable. You know, if you're if you are, if you're kind of hunched over doing this, you're not approachable. You want to be, you want to be approachable. Like, don't let the fact that you have this awesome keep you from you know, communicating and meeting people, whether you're single or not single, like you know, the bar area is like such a nice place to sit and start talking to the couple next to you and get to know them.

SPEAKER_00 15:52

And having that open energy, like you said, it draws, it draws good energy to you, you know, sitting there like this. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

And and and too, you even said just keep it standing too. Didn't you have like a posture way of like just making yourself, you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Like what I do for my posture is I pretend there's a string in the center of my head pulling me up to the roof, and it just pulls me up without making me like this, like I don't want to it just pulls me up, just gives you a little bit of a lift and makes you feel more, you know. Yeah I mean, I I pay attention a lot to my posture, so it comes naturally to me. But when someone hasn't paid a lot of attention to their posture for a long time, it can be really difficult to train yourself. So it's just really a matter of every time you catch it, catch yourself doing this, trying to lift yourself back up. Yeah, yeah, and you can also buy those things that hold your shoulders back. But posture, even if you're the most insecure person in the world, if you have good posture, you look confident. Yes, yes, I agree, I agree. And I'm way more attracted to a man with good posture, just saying, like, they look confident, they look like they can handle themselves, you know?

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Yeah, and that's and I've said that before too. It's like, I don't care what you look like, if you have confidence, you've already sucked me in somehow. Hopefully, you're not narcissistic as well, because there's that. But if you have a sucked me in too, but if you have a comp level of confidence, it doesn't matter. Like, of course, you know, to a point, right? I mean, yeah, but if you you're you're you're most likely oh, I'm going zooming in and out. Sorry, this thing zoom zoomy. Um, yeah, there's just a level of confidence that like screams here I am.

SPEAKER_02 17:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

And it doesn't matter the weight of the person or the height of the person, yeah, or whether they have an ostomy or not. There's just something about a person who is comfortable in their own skin going about life, saying, This is me, I accept me, and I don't care if anyone else does. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Exactly. Um, and we thought we I guess we kind of talked a little bit about hygiene, but um, I mean, so I watched this, I watched this YouTuber, and this is specific, well, this is for female or males, but she was specifically referring to females. But what she said, the number one thing with your like hygiene, pants down everything, is tongue scraping. Oh, wow. Okay, good to know. And I think that's even more important for us because we deal with a lot of dry mouth, we deal with a lot of you know, bacteria, um, especially um that affects our teeth.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

So tongue scraping, uh we've all been on probably a shit ton of antibiotics. Yeah, those of us with Crohn's and whatnot, we've been dealing with imbalanced bacteria and microbiomes for how much? Our whole lives, maybe some of us.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Yeah, and our gut, you know, go it goes up. I mean, get acid reflux, like all of that. So tongue scraper is what she said. And I immediately purchased one. I was like, I can scrub with my toothbrush, but I I'll get a I'll get a scraper now. Yeah, she said get a scraper. I yeah, I I guess I don't know, but my my son actually, my son and my daughter always have them, and I didn't know what they were. I was like, what is that? Um, I don't know if it was a tongue scraper, so yeah. Um, also, I think another thing is just like either clean nails or polished, or but it doesn't like this is what I'm saying, it doesn't have to be expensive. You can get the press-ons, but I get those press-ons now. I'm over going and paying $60, $80 at the salon to get something that's only gonna last a few weeks. I know nobody has time for that. Nobody has money for that. Yeah, nobody has time or money, like those are or energy, right? To sit there and not be I mean, I love it.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

I'm not gonna lie. I love it, but I don't know. I like pedicures. It's so expensive, that's why I don't do it. I feel like I can only do that when it's a treat for some reason.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

Yeah, and and a pedicure is a great kind of treat too, because it's harder to get to, they mess with your feet, and like you only need to do it once or twice a year, and like, you know, kind of thing. Um, but yeah, but as far as nails go, it is it's nice every once in a while, but also you're in between time, just polish nails or just put the press on. The ten dollar press-ons, they last and they look really good, actually. So that's something I found um that's really that's really nice. Um, and then um like hair. So I I don't know how you are, I wash my hair once a week. Because once or twice, yeah. Once or twice. And then in between, just using some dry shampoo.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

Nice. I I get my hair wet wet every day because it's curly and it gets really funny. And I only shampoo it once or twice a week.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

Okay, okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:56

Do you have to use um spray or anything in between? I use conditioner just because to get my fingers through it because it gets knotted.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

Like daily or like daily. And then do you use dry shampoo or you don't need to? No, never use it. Wow. Okay, so that's what I have to, especially.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

It's different with curly versus straight hair too. Like I think that it's and it's I think curly hair is more coarse.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Yes. And humidity has uh, I've noticed that's a lot to do with if you're in a in your a place where there's more humidity. So here in in California, I'm right by the ocean. Something about the salty air, I don't, it makes me greasier faster. Um, so I have to use more dry shampoo because I just don't want to dry out the rest of my hair. So yeah, no. This is probably more geared towards women, but but I think men too.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

There's a lot I do have some advice for men.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Go for it. You're you're like, I've experienced this.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

Okay, I'm 52 years old and I'm single and dating, and there are a few things that I wish men my age. And older would do. And a lot of them don't do it. And pretty much to sum it up, it's it's manscaping. I'm not talking about down there, I'm talking about up here. Like, I don't know how many men I've seen that their eyebrow hair actually like grows down so far that it's kind of hanging over their eyelids almost into their eyes. No way. You know, or like the the ear or the nose hair that they don't they gotta clean their ears too. Another thing. You give it by a hug and you can smell their earwax.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Like oh, you are a sense, you do it.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

I'm very sensitive with the smell. Yeah. Smells are very sensitive to me. Really strong shampoos and stuff. Uh a lot of men wear way too much cologne. Oh, yeah, that gives me a headache. It's so strong that like you then you smell them all day after you give them one hug. That can make a woman never want to hug you again. 100%. Like go easy on those scents, you know. But that goes both ways for women too.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

Some women wear perfume that just it just makes you sick.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

It's like you're sitting next to a a box full of dryer sheets.

SPEAKER_02 23:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Which are also toxic. You know, in case people don't know this, dryer sheets are toxic. You can look it up online, and I I I think everyone should stop using them.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

Yeah, I use those balls, the balls, the balls, the essential oil.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

Yeah. I don't even use balls, but I find if you don't overdry your laundry, it doesn't get staticky.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

That's the main thing, really.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

Yeah. So I wish men would be more like careful with their hair. Also, personally, I find older men with longer hair that it looks less attractive. That's maybe my own preference, but I find that as men's hair gets older, it can get coarser and grayer. That's one thing. So it doesn't look like this luscious, beautiful long hair. And also it can get kind of thinner and uh look like just I find it not as attractive as a clean cut man. That's my personal opinion. Yeah. And so if you're a guy and you're true having trouble dating and you have long hair, maybe, just maybe, if you gave your got a haircut and trimmed your other stuff and like stood up tall, yeah, you might get some dates. Like that, that simple, that easy, you know.

SPEAKER_01 24:22

So have you seen the um videos where there'll be the really hot guy online and he'll be doing some kind of and they do these things to the camera, but they're wearing a hat, and the ladies in the audience are calling them out, like, oh, but let's see you with your hat off. Because more than times than not, they're like bald on top, and then just have hair down here. That's kind of a it's that's kind of like a bait and switch type kind of activity, right? Because we're thinking, you know, you got this luscious locks that are coming out of here.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

What you're basically saying when you say that is that when a man has a receding hairline, the best thing to do is shave it. Shave it, just shave it, just shave it. Bald men are considered sexy by most people. Very, very, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:09

Don't try to hide it.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

Yeah, one of my exes, he was balding um from quite a young age. So he'd been shaving his head for years and years and years. And when we were together, he heard about this procedure that you could get where you get tattooed dots all over your head. So it looks like you just have a crew cut. Oh, okay. And when you shave your head, there's like, you know, some hair that's kind of stubbly down here, but not on top. But if you get it all tattooed in on top, then it looks cool. You have a full head of hair that you just shave. Yeah. And uh so he wanted to do that and he wasn't sure like if I would support him. And I was like, if you if you feel I had no idea that he had like insecurity about his bald head because he was very confident, masculine man, and I never would have guessed. But he admitted to me that it made him insecure about his head. And it's so he went and got the tattooing done and like never felt insecure about it again. It didn't look really good. I mean, it look you can't tell that it's it looks like he has a hairline, you know. That's so cool. Well, I mean, there's options, right? For depending on what you want to spend, but most women uh like I don't think that he has more women interested in him because he did that. I think that the same amount of women are interested in looked good before, he looked good after. It's mostly his confidence, his personality, you know. Um, but yeah, like, but if he had this gorgeous, tall, confident looking man, if he had just hair around the edges in the back, women would not find him as attractive. Yeah. And a lot of guys do. A lot of guys that have long hair and don't want to give it up. They don't want to give up their long hair and it's receding on top, and they've got long hair in the back. Not the most stupid right.

SPEAKER_01 26:57

And I think some some people, some men, I don't know if most men think this way, but I know like there's a spiritual thing to having long hair. Um, and your hair is uh tied to your connection uh in some people and in some cultures, so there could be some of that going on, but I think ultimately, yeah, if you're more concerned about the appearance side of it, it doesn't hurt just to shave it off.

SPEAKER_00 27:23

Yeah.

unknown 27:23

No, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

And that's I I hope that that doesn't hurt anyone's feelings because I, you know, I have a lot I know lots of people with receding hairlines, and and it just just if you do uh if you look at the studies that have done been done, like the polls that have been done, women predominantly prefer the man to shave the head. Not to say there isn't women that wouldn't.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

Yeah, there might be this is just our opinion. Yeah, yeah, just our opinions. Yeah. Think about what it's worth. It doesn't mean that.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

The other thing with men that I want to mention is if they're really overweight and they wear tight t-shirts that like kind of accentuate their moobs. Yeah, that to me is like I think guys that are a little heavier should just stick with the button-up shirts, they look good on you. Yeah, they look so good on you. Wear your t-shirt when you're at home watching TV. But when you're out and you're, you know, meeting people or you're going on a date or anything like that, get into a button-up shirt. That's just my opinion.

SPEAKER_01 28:23

Yeah, you know, and I I've I've seen uh you know, in YouTube videos, but you if you look back at like the 1940s and 50s, people dressed up, even going to a little league baseball game, right? They got to, and in no way do I think we need to go back to that. We don't need to revert, right? I would love it though. I mean, I it would be nice. It would be nice. I often I often find myself just daydreaming about living in those days or like finding outfits that would, you know, like that would be me, right? A skirt, a frame skirt, yeah, just the pretty hats. Yes, the hats and the purses and yeah, all the stuff. But reality is we're not living in that time frame and doing that to go to you would look very out of place, right? So we're not saying like go be that dressed up. However, there's been uh there was another video I watched recently about um people calling other people out for wearing their pajamas to airports. Actually, I think it was like someone in charge was like, stop wearing your pajamas here. Like back in the day, like even just like 10, 15 years ago, um, more people traveled for business. So you saw more people wearing suits and ties and all that thing, but that's become a thing of a past now that we're after the pandemic, we're more Zoom oriented, so we're having most of these meetings online. But a lot of people are still going on vacation as well or going to trips and they're wearing pajamas to the airport. And um, I even saw a video of um of a woman calling out um other black women for wearing their bonnets. I saw that too. I understand why they have to be worn, but they're saying in public, don't wear them out, you know, because I almost purchased one because well, because I wanted to be able to cover my hair.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Um, I've been having a problem since I've been doing this online stuff where people recognize me and I've been wanting to cover my hair, but I don't want to like make it flat.

SPEAKER_02 30:23

Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_00 30:23

That's what a bonnet would come in handy for. Yes. But they are so ugly.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

I just hate them. I think they're cute, but I don't think wearing them in public probably is, I don't know, according to the thing. I mean they look fine on other people, but when I put it on, I thought it looked ugly.

SPEAKER_00 30:39

That's what I mean.

SPEAKER_01 30:40

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

So so anyway, so I think it's just those like etiquette things of, and I I will say that I catch myself sometimes, like being like, Why are you like I and I'll just bring the garbage out to the front. And I'm like, did you really need to wear your ugly slippers like out there? And there's all these people walking by, and I'm just like, here I am. I will say that sometimes I have to catch my own self because I get so stuck in the same routine, and that I think is where it comes from. We get stuck in the same routine. So maybe we don't go out a lot, maybe we're home a lot, and then we we forget, we fall off, we fall off, we fall off, and then something big happens in our lives. We're like, okay, I need to catch myself, like, because I'm slipping, you know, I'm slipping a little bit. I need to like work on things. Me too. Yeah, yeah. But that's just like the nature of it. Sometimes we get stuck in those routines. Like, I was home for nine months with broken pelvis for five fractures. Like, of course, did I care? No. Even right now, I need to get my hair done. But I'm in this um position where I'm caregiving and um I can't go anywhere to get my hair done. So it's fine. I'll wait till I go back home, I'll get it done. I know I need to, but in the meantime, I just freshen it up as best I can, make it look as sleek as I can. Um, so you make do with what you have. And I think that's kind of the message as well, right?

SPEAKER_00 32:01

Well, I think you really touched on something there. Like, I think when you've been through what we've all been through with our ostomy surgeries and our cancer journeys or whatever it is that led us to the point where we now have ostomies, you really start to not give a fuck about shit. You know, like I don't give a fuck. I'm wearing my pajamas to the airport, or I don't give a fuck, I'm wearing my bunny slippers to the corner to put the garbage out or whatever. And I think that there's value in that attitude. And I feel like that's emotional growth when we can start start letting go of those stupid things that really don't matter. But if we want to attract someone or if we want to be attractive, then we have to think about that. You know, and a good example for me is uh my mom got us some tickets to a hockey game, and that day I was super busy, and then finally it's time to go, and I get all the way to the hockey game with my kids and a couple of friends, and I'm looking around and there's some cute guys around there, and then I looked down. I was wearing like this outfit. Like I completely forgot to change, freshen up, look, make myself because I was in such a hurry and I didn't even think of it. And I just thought, I'm standing, I'm out for the night with a bunch of friends and family and having a great time. And I look like I should be at home baking cookies or something like that.

SPEAKER_02 33:22

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

I did not look attractive, that's all I'm saying. And I thought, you know, I could have put some effort into this.

SPEAKER_01 33:29

Well, too, part of manifesting your desired reality is you live the way that that person you want to be would act, would would live. You act that way, and that goes down to the dressing, the communicating, the all the things. So if you're gonna attract even just people like clients or coaching clients or um people in our networking environment of um ostomy related, right? We want to show up as best as we can to attract the right people. But it but it's but it and it may be different for people listening. Maybe they're in an environment where they're construction workers, they're gonna go to a construction conference. Hey, you wanna wear your construction outfit, but you also but not the body, yeah. You're you're good, you're good construction outfits, right? Your construction outfit says, show, hey, I'm successful. And it doesn't mean they have to be the best or the top line. Like, you're not gonna find me in Chanel and Louis Vuitton and Louis Batons and all these things, you're gonna find me in that, but you can easily go thrifting to find the cute knockoffs, or it doesn't even be a knockoff, essentially, just cute um substitutes, if you will, right?

SPEAKER_00 34:46

And I really like what you said about how, like, if you want to become a certain person, if you wish, I wish I was like this. If if that's you, then the way to become that person is to start acting like you are already like that person. Yeah, you already are that person. And they say that with uh all the gurus recommend that they all recommend that. Yeah, you know, act as if you already are, you already do, you already have, yeah, and then it'll draw it to you.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

Yes, I remind myself I had a in my my room, it was before I left Minnesota, but I wrote it on my on my board. I said, um, would the person you are trying to be be tomorrow be acting this way today, you know, or something of that nature? But I think that's a good way because it is our dress. It's the way we, you know, it's they say something about uh when you first meet somebody, people have already decided who you are in the first like few minutes. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 35:42

And that I'm so glad you said that, because that's the main reason why we should try to look, you know, presentable when we're presenting ourselves to the world. Because even if it's not fair that, you know, people might think I'm this or that because I'm covered in tattoos, even though it's not fair, people will immediately judge me because of my tattoos. They'll either judge me they don't like they don't like people with tattoos or they don't like tattoos, or they'll judge me like, oh, I really like her tattoos, you know. But there's an immediate judgment about the tattoos. There's a judgment about my height. Oh my God, you're shorter than I thought you were. Uh, you know, there's an immediate judgment when we meet people, we scan them and we decide and we think, okay, I think this person is this. We don't actually consciously think it, but subconsciously, we based on previous information, we'll make assumptions about this person based on our belief system and our and previous people we've met. And then we'll, you know, like have you ever met someone they look like someone else that you know that you really don't like? And so you immediately think you're not gonna like this person.

SPEAKER_01 36:47

I hate when that happens. I haven't had that happen in a while, but I know exactly what you're saying. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

Or the opposite. You think that's you see someone that looks really similar to someone that you just adore, and you assume that person's gonna be so amazing, and then they turn out to be jerks or something. Yeah, like it's but we come to these, we have these assumptions, or people have it with celebrities where you you know, a lot of people for years thought Ellen DeGeneres was like this amazing woman. Yeah. I thought so. I loved it. I thought so too. I loved watching her. Oh my gosh. And now it comes out that she was one of the biggest abuses ever. Yeah, she abused, yeah, some of her people, you know.

SPEAKER_01 37:23

I think I think though too is women, because I had this experience where I had a friend who was like living with with us for a period of time when we were living in California at one point, and she she like downed me for like getting dressed to go check the mail. And I I think ever since then I've felt I felt like she was trying to say to me that I was trying to be showy or something of that nature, right? But but it psychologically, it only made me realize recently that actually what she said made me wasn't what I was trying to do. I wasn't trying to be. I was just that's where I was in my life. And then it made me from there feel like I needed to dim myself. And I think as women, um, I think we do that a lot because we've had men or abusive relationships say, Why do you gotta get dressed up to go look check the mail? Why do you gotta look good to go to the grocery store?

SPEAKER_00 38:27

That's true, but I think it's worse from women. I mean, yeah, if we've been in some of those really abusive relationships where guys are like that for sure. But when you tell me that story, the first thing I think of is how women who are jealous will intentionally undermined our undermine our confidence by saying things like what your friend said to you. And the minute someone says something like that to you, the first thing you should realize is that they are intentionally trying to hurt you because they're sick. They're sick, they're mentally unwell, they're so jealous of you, or they're so uh insecure about themselves that they want to try and take you down a notch. And often people like this, and most of them are women in my experience, yeah, often they are they do it all the time, they do it like regularly. So you'll have a friend that almost regularly says these little undercutting comments. Yeah. And they they say it in a way like they're trying to be your friend or they're making a joke, or they're trying to let you know because they're concerned, or that they make it look like they're being a good friend when they do it. And that fools us. That fools us into thinking they're only telling us because they want to be a good friend. No, they're not. They're trying to hurt us, they're trying to undermine our confidence. And when a friend tells you something that makes you feel sick because of how they said it or what they said, yeah. I mean, nine times out of ten, if not more, it was intentional. And that person, you probably need to just step back from them because they're they're sick right now, they're going through their own shit. And we can't help someone when they're in that frame of mind because that they're in a frame of comparing themselves to other people, they're unhappy with their own life, and all they can do is drag you down. Yeah, like happy people don't try to tear other people down.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

Yeah, it seems like that is and I've I've had that revelation many years ago. It's like one time I wanted to do this whole thing, and I never did it, but it was like intentionally getting women to understand that we're not supposed to be tearing each other down, that we're supposed to be building each other back up. And that's hard for women to do, really hard for women to do.

SPEAKER_00 40:37

You know, that was something I really experienced. Sorry, go on.

SPEAKER_01 40:40

No, no, no, no, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

I was gonna say, like, when I became an exotic dancer, a stripper, I developed this confidence, and I was around other women all day, every day. They were like gorgeous. I would see them come, you know, you're always comparing yourselves to other people because you're like, whoa, that person has way bigger boobs than me. That person has a way bigger ass. That person is, you know, for me, everyone was bigger because I'm tiny. Um, you know, and uh and like it's it's just because you're always just it's natural that we will just naturally compare ourselves to other people when you see them naked and stuff. For sure. Um, and but because we were all in the same business, we were we, you know, laughed a lot during our shifts, and there's this camaraderie among us, and you would find that people that worked in that industry were less likely to be that jealous girl because they have this confidence and this camaraderie with other women in the club. Yeah. And so I found that I would be able to teach some of my more like normal friends and that weren't in the industry like how to be more open-minded and supportive and not get jealous and not feel insecure around other women and not make them your enemy because you think that they're gonna attract your boyfriend or you know, you're in competition with them. And what a what a liberating feeling it is when you stop looking at other women that way. It's so incredible. But it does, I do feel like it is an issue among women for sure.

SPEAKER_01 42:06

Yeah, it is hard here where I live because I look out my window here and I see these beautiful women. However, I've got to the point where I'm not I mean, it wasn't prior to that, but uh past times, right? Maybe years ago. But since I've been here, I haven't. But I do recognize them, but I recognize them in the beauty that they are, not in the like jealous kind of like envious way, right? Because I know that I I'm secure in myself that I'm like I'm not gonna have that body. I am the age that I am, it's not gonna, you know, it's I can get better, but it's not gonna be, you know, exactly what that was back in the day. And um, just be happy for them for what they're experiencing in their life and knowing that I was there one time too, and now I'm here and this is this is who I am.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

It's a part of aging for sure. Like part of aging. My adult daughter's body is so perfect, and I just think, wow, I wish I had that body when I was her aide. Yeah, yeah. I had my perfect body at that age. Exactly. Yeah, and also a lot of it, like, okay, so there is, of course, um, having a perfectly flat stomach and all of that that comes with being young, exercising all the time, plastic surgery, different things that people do that can make them look so perfect. The you know, the butt lifts and and everything else. Um, but there's also things that you can do that you don't require any of that, which is just like wearing heels will naturally cause you to tilt your hips in a way that your stomach doesn't stick out as much.

SPEAKER_02 43:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:37

And walking with a good posture will lean out your body as well. And like there's so many things that you can do that a lot of these women are probably doing to help themselves present well. Yeah. You know? Yeah, it's that's why like just wearing the right clothes. Like for me, I like to tan. I like to have a bit of like a uh what I call a healthy glow. And it makes me feel a little more confident. So and a lot of the women you'll see, I bet in in um Hollywood and LA and stuff are probably very tanned because it's funny there all the time. And that that makes you look, you know, that has, you know, so helpful. These are all things that like you can do artificially, or you know, if you're in a position like you're just not well enough right now, or you're caretaking and you can't leave the house. Like or for whatever reason you can't like get out and do stuff like that, then obviously like you're you might get a I used to if if I was well enough, I would go for a tan at the tanning.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

Yeah, yeah. I but even this B tan, I don't know, I think what it's called, B tan. I don't know, but I've been using it and I just love it. It's yeah, after I've used it two days in a row, I have this great tan going on that I'm like okay, that's all I need, you know, sometimes just to feel a little bit better. So you know, the other thing too is like one thing that was always engraved in my mind was my mom didn't do anything for herself, so she didn't buy herself new clothes, she didn't go, my mom didn't do these things, makeup, she never did makeup, she didn't get her hair, like she didn't do all these things, so that's the way I grew up. And so I was also a young mom. So there were I did a lot more for myself than my mom did. I often got my hair done and got nails and stuff on and off, right? Because like some days, some months I was had money and some months I had zero money. But um, but that's where I would get into that slump as well. And I think that's where also, you know, we keep we as moms and grandparents and what we tell ourselves is like it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter anymore. But but it does, and and and it does for you, number one. You have to feel the way you want to feel, and if you want to feel good and meet people and get out a little bit, just take a little bit extra time um to make yourself feel better. Yes, yeah, that that lack mentality doesn't have to present well, yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I think that's I think that's I mean, that's those are like the tips that I had. Um uh yeah, I just think that the confidence piece is the most important thing, like you said, you know, like just being confident alone is so incredibly sexy. Like you give me a confident man, and I know, I know, me too.

SPEAKER_00 46:16

And that's why like an insecure man will be immediately unattractive as well. Yeah. So, and like confidence can come from practicing posture, dressing to impress, dressing in clothes that flatter your body. And you know, I think the that not giving an F attitude plays a role because not caring what other people think does play a role, but just grooming and dressing presentable is a huge factor in feeling good about yourself and feeling confident and going out into the world and and not trying to hide. Like sometimes when I'm really dressed cra like slobby and I'm out in public, like I just almost don't want anyone to see me. Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

No, I do, I do. I but I I actually practice this. Gosh, where was I? And this would be a good tip for anybody. Um, gosh, where was I recently? I don't know where I was, but I was like, I knew that all these people around me were gorgeous, manicured, have had everything that they could have done. So what I practice doing often here is um just walking straight up and owning the room, and not like in a snobby, like I'm better than them, because I that's equal to them, and equal to them. And I can still walk in that room and know that nothing I'm wearing is name, brand, or what they might be looking for in tags and designers, but that doesn't matter. I'm just gonna walk in and own the room, like walk hi that that I belong here too. So it's being seen and being heard, right?

SPEAKER_00 47:52

You can't be and when you feel that strong enough to walk into a room and not feel like, oh, I stand out, people are looking me, I'm not like everyone else. Yeah, you can just be like, no, I'm me, and I like me, and they'll probably like me. And if they don't, then they're lost.

SPEAKER_01 48:09

And and they probably will like you. That's the thing. Like, people love that um authentic person, you know, they love that. Like, I know I do. You do. So be authentic. Be authentic, be confident, just do do do the little things that that help you feel feel good. That's all. Yeah, it's pretty it's actually pretty simple. Yeah, yeah. So awesome. I think that's good. That's that's it for that's all I have, anyways. That's all for this episode. That's all for this episode. You all um have a great rest of your week. Next week's topic is undetermined yet, but we will we will tell me what it was uh next week topic. No, it's it's undetermined, but we'll we'll get back to you. You'll see. It'll be surprise, maybe. Yeah, give us ideas. Yeah, yeah. Ideas. Comment below. Oh, I was like, No, no, no. Hi, everyone.