Why Hard Lives Create Deeper Love

Why Hard Lives Create Deeper Love

 What if the hardest moments of your life didn’t break you… but rewired how you love?

In this episode of Rewired and Desired, we go beyond surface-level advice and talk about the real, lived lessons that come from illness, caregiving, heartbreak, and rebuilding your life from nothing.

From losing everything… to redefining what actually matters… to learning how to love again without losing yourself.

This isn’t theory. This is what happens after life humbles you.

🧠 In This Episode:

●      Why “nothing matters except the people you love” becomes real after loss

●      How illness reshapes your standards in relationships

●      The difference between needing love vs. being ready for it

●      Why attraction is about energy, not entitlement

●      The hidden danger of negative partners (and how to spot it fast)

●      How to maintain desire and intimacy in long-term relationships

●      Why being happy alone is the foundation of healthy love

📌 Connect With Us
Trina Ricketts – The Intimate Ostomate
Website: intimateostomate.com
Instagram:   / intimateostomate 
Youtube:    / @intimateostomate 
Books, guides, coaching & resources
Coaching • Books / Guides • Resources • Intimacy Advocacy

Nicole Richards - Ostomy Innovations
Website: ostomyinnovations222.com
Instagram:   / ostomyinnovations 
Youtube:    / @ostomyinnovations222 
Coaching • Wellness • Disability advocacy • Ostomy Clothing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome back to Rewired and Desired Podcast. I'm your co-host, Trina Ricketts, and I'm here with my co-host and your co-host, Nicole Richards. And today we are going to talk about the deep life lessons that we've learned in this is going to be more of like um more of like a therapy session than anything. It could be. It could be. Because how do you learn these deep lessons, right?

SPEAKER_02 0:34

That's for sure. It's only through experience. It's only through life experience.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

I've been on this whole um earth school kind of way of thinking lately. And how I look at it is, you know, when kids have a really difficult childhood and we say they were forced to grow up fast. I feel like that's what we're doing when we have these we choose these really difficult lives with ostomies and health challenges all throughout our lives, is we're trying to help our souls grow up faster.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

Yeah, you know, it's been it's been interesting. I have a whole um spiritual group of friends that we have these calls, right? And we talk about all this stuff. But um, in and then on the private, I'll talk to a couple of my friends on the side and and uh my friend Crystal and I were having a chat and we were discussing um what I'm going through here as a caregiver and what he well specifically what he's going through.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

Um I've got you want to explain that just a little bit, what exactly you're doing?

SPEAKER_02 1:40

So he's a caregiver. I'm a care I'm caregiving for my friend who has Parkinson's disease, but he's also been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And so it's attacking the body and the mind, right? Well, I did my past life regression, I told you that. And um, it's very clear that he and I have a whole episode in a past life. And I don't want to tell a lot about it, not because I don't want to share, like I'll I can share parts with it, but I also don't want others to be partially offended with what I would have to say. And because there's some there's some things there that could be offensive, I suppose I suppose. So basically, I believe that we were in a lifetime together where I was basically like the house servant.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Interesting.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

And I didn't have a say back then in how he treated me. And now that I'm in this position that could really be essentially looked at that way, I'm putting boundaries up as to say, well, no, I'm a caregiver and I'm your friend, but the boundary is just that, right? Like, I'm not gonna be doing all these other things. Like you have a housekeeper, that housekeeper is still gonna be cleaning the house. I'm not, like I do the little things, right? And so um, it's just been interesting to see. Um, I also have noticed when you said the earth school, my friend and I, with our discussion, basically went back to think if that was a life lesson learned for me is that I had to put boundaries up. And as we're evolving through the earth school, um we've ascended in in a sorts, right? Like we're learning these life lessons and we're growing. But some people may not have, and so they're still facing their demons in essentially. And with what I'm going through here, there's a little bit of like I'm I'm almost wondering with the people who experience these things, if their demons are coming at them to try to get them to transmute some of that karma. That's kind of what we came up with, is that it seems like that's what's going on here because it's making sense, right? The hallucinations, the seeing people, like these all these things that are happening. So yeah, it is a life that life lessened, like you said, with the with the being the the earth school, it's it's it's important. But you know what though? And I I'm guessing like you, like me, I wouldn't change it for anything.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

Yeah. I mean, when I was in the thick of it, yeah, I would have.

unknown 4:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Like when I was going through the worst of my pain, I I knew because I'd already done a lot of uh self-work before that, that it was um important for me not to give up hope, not to think that this is you know it's not worth living anymore, to always have hope, to think for of the best, to try to focus on what I was grateful for and all of that. Um and that got me through the worst of it for sure. But I felt like a lot of my lessons that I realized came after when I was starting to heal and able to start to live my life again. And then I started to be able to see what what I'd really learned from it and how it had really incredibly changed me into someone completely more compassionate, loving, caring. I thought I was before, but after things like I think probably the biggest life lesson that I learned was that nothing matters except for the people we love.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Like nothing, nothing matters. Like if if you have to boil it down to you've lost everything, yeah, then it's the people you love that you can at least find solace in, you know. And at my worst moments, I would just try to spend that time with my children in the best way that I could and get through those moments, you know.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

And then and then because you had to get get because you lost everything, you couldn't go to events, you couldn't do a job, you couldn't go out on dates, you couldn't even take your kids on field trips, like you couldn't do anything, you lost everything. So then when things start to come back into your life, you realize how like they're just added stuff. They're just stuff that's added to your life. It's not life or death. Like right now, I I try to put out an email every week. And sometimes I don't get it out for a week, sometimes I don't get it out for two weeks. Sure. But because of what I've been through, I realize that's not important. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 6:38

Well, you're cherishing, like I think to me it sounds like you're saying like you're cherishing the people that you love in your life, not necessarily more, but it's it's that's the focus. And then everything else is an added bonus, like being able to get back to doing these events, being able to, I mean, look at it this way: I get to do these things, not I have to, I get to send an email out when I'm ready and half the time. I get to do that.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Yeah, which is way easier to say when you're well.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

Because when you're not well, it's like I have to drive my kids to school, I have to do the dishes, I have to get out of bed.

SPEAKER_02 7:17

Yeah. Oh, I totally agree.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

It does feel that way, and it's hard to think like I get to when you feel when every moment is painful or difficult, and you know.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Like we wouldn't be able to do this podcast if we wouldn't come out the other side already.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

Yes, and oh man, I I think I think the deep lessons, the deep, deep lessons, just they build that character that's able to handle it. I mean, now I feel like the things that I go through are like they're easy, you know, and it's just getting easier.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

Um, recently I had a talk with somebody who was like, you know, so-and-so said this about you, and they didn't agree with the way you live nomadically. And I'm like, Oh, do they? Great. Yeah, because the closed-mindedness of that person doesn't affect me the way it would have affected me years. I'd be like, what's wrong with me? Am I really that crazy because I'm doing this? But no, I'm not.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Are there people judging me too?

SPEAKER_02 8:22

Yeah, or other people no, and I know the answer because I get way more uh static from how excited people are to hear about it versus how ridiculous they think it sounds.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

It's funny how negative stuff though has has so much more power over us. Like a negative experience, we'll remember it so much longer and it's so much harder to um like accept it and move on. Whereas like a great experience, we could forget about it so fast. But I think like going through the stuff that we go through makes us really appreciate this the good stuff, you know, and also like the situation you're in with the caretaking role. Like when I was working in frontline support work uh in transition houses, and most of the resident people who would come through our transition houses were homeless women. And I would go home to my very modest little basement suite where I lived with my two children and my husband, and we had two cars that we were driving. Yeah, both of them were insured, a roof over our heads, you know, children to bring us joy. I just felt so grateful for how much I had seeing every day what people didn't have and seeing people struggle, you know.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

100%. Yeah. I I'm very thankful. And I'm just thankful. I I also look back, I look back on my own life and think, wow, I'm glad I'm not there anymore. Cause I'm I'm glad I'm not doing that again. Um I'm I just I don't know, like even looking back at those moments when I didn't have a car, when I was homeless, or like the times I had to walk to the store because I didn't have my vehicle, like all these things. I I just some of it's nostalgic, actually. Like, not because I want to go back to that, but because it was that moment of creating who I am now. It was this sifting. Um, I don't know if you listen to Abraham Hicks. Have you heard of Abraham Hicks?

SPEAKER_00 10:18

Uh I think I've heard of him. I may have listened. I I don't remember though.

SPEAKER_02 10:22

Okay. So it's actually, well, Abraham Hicks is she she channels Abraham Hicks. So her name is Esther, but she channels Abraham if you believe in channeling, right? Interesting. Um she she believes so she channels, and part of what she talks about is how you have to, in order for you to know what you do want, you have to sift and sort through all the things that you've been through to decide what you do want and what you don't want. Um I I recently I recently started talking to a guy and um it's interesting because he's been through a lot of shit too, like a lot. And on our conversations, it's so clear though, how he's unbeknownst to him. I think um the sifting and sorting thing has was done for him as well, right? Like he went through all this bad stuff to be able to be here and meet me in this part, right? Like, because we went to high school together, but we didn't even we hadn't we didn't talk to each other like that. Um, so it's just interesting to think of all those years in between. All those years, like between all the shit he went through, all the shit I went through, like to be here now and having this great connection, even though it's super, super brand new. But the great connection, like I can't imagine had I not have gone through those life lessons and he not, like, we wouldn't understand each other. Yeah, that's so fucking beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Yeah, it is. I I always find like people who've been through difficult experiences, similar or different from mine. Really, it doesn't matter what it is, if yeah, if you've come through something that's really profoundly difficult and you've grown from it, because some people go through things that are profoundly difficult and they don't grow from it. True, true. Um but the but when you have and you've grown, that's there's like you recognize it in other people who've been through that too. When they tell you their story and the way that they talk, you can be like, Oh, you get it. So many people don't get it, but you Oh, and it's such a like a breath of fresh air.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Like my conversations with you, with him, with my my spiritual friends in this other uh thing that I do, like it's so relieving. It's so relieving, and so like that's why I hope people who listen to this think relief. Like, we get it, we understand it, you know, because there is people that are so close-minded, like the person who couldn't believe I lived nomadically, and what is that about? Like, you know that that person could not have gone through they probably went through difficult stuff, everybody does. No, it's no different, but never to reach the understanding at that age that that person is to be accepting of other people and and just close-minded to accepting people.

SPEAKER_00 13:27

Yeah, I feel sorry for people like that, people who feel like they have to tear each other or tear other people's dreams down or try to tear down what they're building, yeah, put it down, yeah, you know, trash talk it, whatever. Right because they're not living their dream, they're jealous. Usually they're jealous, especially when it comes to women.

SPEAKER_02 13:48

But yeah, yes, and we've had that conversation because that's happened to you in our in our in our Facebook group, yeah. Um, where that's happened, and I'm like, I'm sorry, like that's you know, but you're like doesn't bother me, actually, you know, and I love that because it's a super healthy place to be at. And when women like you and I can not be competitive, piddly, or you know, like that's that's the goal, right? Yeah, that's the goal.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

That's when we're most powerful. We are most powerful when we're not feeling like we need to compare ourselves to each other, yeah. Which is like a it's obviously a human thing, not a soul thing. And and it seems to be very common in women, and I'm guessing it's like biological because we compete for the strongest mates and and we don't want anyone to steal our man because he's providing for us and our children or whatever, you know.

SPEAKER_02 14:44

I think I even see it in men though, right? Like I I kind of talked to you about that before, like how the roles are shifting with the feminine and masculine, and I see it in men too. Like I'm starting to see it more in men than women, actually.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

Like getting jealous of other men or jealous of women?

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Jealous of other men because of women.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, like you mean like the incels or whatever. I I don't really know much about it, but my understanding is there's this whole movement of men who feel like they are entitled to intimacy and um it's the problem is women. Oh women are the problem because they won't they're they've changed. They won't put out. They're they won't put out, they're not as easy as they used to be. I don't know. Like I'm changing. I can't understand how anyone could rationalize that, but I haven't really gone down that rabbit hole. But that sounds like someone who hasn't grown from their from their issues, you know?

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Yeah, not not willing to release the patriarchy and not willing to release the fact that um that women are starting to be in their feminine and to realize that their goddess energy should be uh supported by men, right? Like, you know, we talked too about the woman who was like, Well, if you want to take me on a date, you'll have to like buy this and do like you'll have to pay a retainer fee, which is ridiculous. But on the same token, like we said, we kind of understand it. Like, there's no way that you can, you know, expect a woman just to put out, like, what are what is what's that you can't like we're changing, things are changing, you know, and we all humanity involves evolves, right? And that's where we're at. We're evolving.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

Yeah. I I think honestly, those those group of those men that are feeling that way are they're in a situation where they're just not taking accountability for whatever it is that's pushing women away. If women aren't attracted to them, if they can't get a woman to be interested in them sexually or otherwise, it's because of something they're doing. It's their insecurities, it's their bad energy, it's their maybe they're not nice people, but maybe you know, they just don't have any social skills because they spend too much time in front of a screen. Like there's just so many reasons why they're not attractive.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

And if they really want to attract women, instead of blaming women for not being attracted to them, yeah, find a way to become more attractive. And that goes for women too. Instead of competing with other women and trying, you know, we want to build each other up and cheer each other on. Yeah. And a woman who's not jealous, who can see a beautiful another beautiful woman and be like appreciative of it. And even maybe like I used to with my ex, say, check out that hottie. You know, we could appreciate hotness. Like it's just because we do that. Yeah, we weren't jealous and we weren't insecure and we knew we were going home with each other. And uh it was just so that's another thing that I feel like I've a life lesson I've learned is that life is so short that I don't want to spend a single day in mental anguish if I can help it. So I don't want to engage in jealous behavior. I don't want to think about things that make me feel like shit. I don't want to watch movies that scare me and make my heart race. And I I I want to engage and be involved and have like a life of, you know, smiling, laughing, and getting along. And I know it can't be like that every single day. But the majority of the days will be like that if that's what I that's my boundary, you know.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

Well, and if that's what you focus on, if you focus on all the good things and all the the positive things that are happening in your life and it you attract it, you know, we've talked about that too. Like we attract how we feel. So if we're gonna sit there and feel scared and feel angry and feel jealous and feel all those low vibrational energies, then that's what we're gonna attract.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

And also if we're doing things or being with people who make us feel like shit, then that's what our life is gonna be like. Like after everything I went through, I would never stay in a job that I hated. I would never stay in a relationship with someone who made me cry every day. These are things that I did before, but I wouldn't do them now. Um, you know, I I would I demand, I have a boundary of, you know, a bare minimum of happiness in my life. Like I, you know, I know it can't be perfect every day, and I know I'm gonna have hard times and I'm gonna be sad. And I still believe in love. That's another thing. Like before all of this, I had become pretty jaded. And I was like, I had walls up and I didn't want a man in my life, and I didn't trust any men. And I, you know, I kind of had a little bit of a hate on for men, even. But after I went through all of everything, especially the, you know, in 20 uh 12 when I had my first osmi surgery, that's when my real transformation happened. After that, I was like, life is so short. I want to live it as fully and passionately as I can. Yeah, like every moment that I can, because I might just have a week of health and then I'll be out for another three years. I don't know. You because it happened so suddenly that it could happen again. And I was like, every moment that I have even enough, the tiniest bit of health, enough to have a life, I'm going to live it to the fullest. And so then I wanted to find someone I could be in love with and have a wild, passionate affair. And I didn't care like if they like my ex, I didn't care about his red flags because we just had a really passionate, amazing connection, and I wanted to live it up and squeeze every ounce of joy out of it that I could. And I did, and until it got to the point where I was having more unhappy days with him than happy days. And that's when I was like, that's my boundary. Yeah, that's my boundary. I want to, I want more good days than bad.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

I I'm I'm right there with you, and especially at this point, like for myself, like the accident, you know, was that layer added layer, and then coming here to California to be the caregiver, like I also have been so sedentary. I've so it's been a year and like four months since I've actually been able to be free, I would say. Um yeah, like I had two weeks of vacation um where I had that time, but that's nothing. Like to me, I mean, that's nothing. Um that's where I'm at. I'm so ready to go back home. I'm so ready to have that passionate type. Um yeah, I'm just ready for I'm ready for love. I'm ready for companionship. I'm ready for You're ready for risk. Risk, yeah. It is a scary, but it's a good scare. It's a good fear. It's like the I'm ready for that next point in my life, you know, whatever that is. But it's you know, I might not, I might not find it, but I might find it.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Yeah, you're open to it.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

I'm open to it.

SPEAKER_00 21:45

Yeah, yeah. I had a coaching client the other day who said that they feel like they don't know if it's worth being falling in love because it is so painful when that love ends. And I'm the opposite, it is painful. I'm still, I'm still getting over my ex. And we've been uh split up. It'll be two years next month. Um, not because I want to be with him again or I want to get back together at all, but just because I miss a lot of those beautiful things that we we had when we were together. However, I would never give up all the amazing times I had with him to avoid this transition of getting used to being on my own.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

I can see where you could feel that way momentarily, or like like you said, you still feel, you know, it's probably like a little pull, right? Some days are good and some days you miss it.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Yeah, it's not him that I miss, but like that's why I'm still that's why I'm dating. Because I would love to have a connection like that with someone again. You know?

SPEAKER_02 22:45

It's just it, it's that connection. Yeah, I know it's there, I know it's there. And and the better, the the best part of it, when you and I finally find whoever this person is, it's gonna be so fucking magical. Because just what you said, we went through the bullshit, we know what we want going forward, and we've longed for it and we've desired it, but not so hard as to push it away because that's the important part.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

Not yeah, well, we don't need a man. We're we're perfectly, we both are obviously very perfectly fine on our own. And I think that's what gets in the way, and this has turned into like love lessons, but I know, right? I think that's what gets in the way of a lot of people um attracting love and companionship in their lives, is they're not happy alone. And if you're not happy alone, then you immediately become codependent when you get into a relationship.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

100%. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

You gotta be happy alone. You gotta know that if the relationship ever ends, your heart might break, but you'll be okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:51

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:52

And I've always known that my heart might break, but I'll be okay because I can handle life on my own.

SPEAKER_02 23:58

Yeah, see, before I couldn't in my past relationships, but I've been single for, I don't know, since like 2017 or something like that. So I totally, I totally agree with you. Like even and it's also kind of scary thinking of it this way. Like, you want to make sure that that person is really involved in their own life because you don't want to be steered off from your own line. So the right person has to really have been on that same trajectory you have at some point to understand that hey, yes, yes, I want this, but I also have all this going on. And I hope that you also have something going on because you can't be needy and clingy. No needy and clingy.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

This is maybe a little off topic, but I definitely want to ask you this question. I think about this quite often about what kind of man do I really want to attract. And sometimes because I'm so, you know, going after my shit, I'm driven, I'm motivated, I've got so much on the go. I'm like, I'm on social media, I'm you know, becoming like no my face known and my my content known in the ostomy community. And definitely uh so I'm just like so out there and I'm also very like loud, kind of like person that very talkative when you meet me and open, and people are always like, Wow, no one's ever said been this open to me before. And I'm like, oh, I could talk about anything. Um when you talk about sex on social media, you could talk about anything after that. But exactly. But um, and so then I wonder to myself, do I want a man who's like me, very driven, entrepreneurial, has like this same drive that I do so we can understand each other that way, or do I want a man that's the opposite of me, that's more calm, that provides like this solid, secure base for me that um supports me but doesn't um but isn't on his the same similar journey. He's already got his thing and he's settled and he likes what he's doing, and it's enough, whatever he has. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 26:04

Yeah. I can see for you where someone completely opposite of you would be your best match. That's just me. I mean, I don't know if that's not the truth. Yeah. I feel like somebody completely opposite of you would be like a match in heaven.

SPEAKER_00 26:18

I think you might be right. I mean, I have no idea. We'll see what happens in the future.

SPEAKER_02 26:22

Right, right. Yeah, I just I feel like I feel like uh because you are like you need you need a the balance, right? I think so too. There needs to be like a balance for for that. Like which I would never you're perfect the way you are. I just think as a man to compliment that would be that balance. Yeah, so yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

It might be too much if we're both like I don't think it'd be too much.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

It's never too much. Like, I feel like there's always there always is gonna be somebody who's just that right person. There is, it's just you know, finding it. I think too for you. Um, I think there's just something to be said about the organic meeting kind of thing. And I think too, like I don't know. I just feel like people I I mean I know it works online, but I just feel like someone I feel like you'll meet somebody organically.

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Yeah, I shut down my dating app. Did you? Yeah, I deactivated it just for now anyway. Usually I'll just go back on it when like life gets a little bit slow or boring and I want some excitement and I want to go out on a couple of things.

SPEAKER_02 27:27

It is kind of interesting, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:28

And then I'll shut it down again because it's just I don't know. Like I had like a really lame date recently. I went to Oh, did you?

unknown 27:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

We went to a beach. We were just going there to uh I don't know if I should say this on YouTube, smoke weed.

SPEAKER_02 27:46

I think you can say that. I have no idea.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

We went there and uh just to smoke a joint, and like I was the joint was just just barely lit, and I was ready to leave. I was like, this is so horrible. The guy wouldn't stop talking negatively. So that right there is like bad energy turnoff for me. Yeah, talked the whole time about his ex-wife and her new boyfriend, so he's clearly still in love with her. Yeah, and like, why are you even out with me, buddy? Yeah, yeah, and then he's like, he just kept going on and on. There was no like interactive conversation, he never stopped talking, and the whole time it was just negative, negative, negative. And then I'm like, the joint's done. I'm thinking finally it's over, we can leave. And he lights another one. And I'm he's like, I'm like, no, thanks, I'm good. Yeah, and then I'm still waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm like, I how am I gonna get out of here? I'm trying to like engage in a conversation so that maybe we could get away from this topic of his ex-wife, but not doesn't work. Uh, and then these teenagers come over and they ask him for a light, and he asks them for a cigarette. So then he lights a cigarette and I'm sitting there in a cloud of disgusting cigarette smoke at the beach.

SPEAKER_02 28:59

You know what though? Was it the first date, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:01

It was a second date.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

Oh, it was a second.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

Yeah, the first one he did talk about his ex, but not as much. Maybe he was like trying to control himself more.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

Yeah, um, it sucks because like seeing that on the first date would have helped a little bit, but at least you didn't have to go through like four or five dates for him to be like the sooner, the better, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:21

Totally. How I how I ended up getting out of there is I just stood up and like looked at him and just started walking towards the parking lot and looking at him, and he just kept talking and he stood up and he started walking to the parking lot with me. He talked the whole way. I was like, So how do you did you ghost him after that or did you I just yeah, I never I I just I didn't like say anything when I said goodbye, like hope to see you again or anything like that. I just said thanks, uh you know, have a great day or something like that. I can't remember.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

Yeah, good idea.

SPEAKER_00 29:52

Um or drive safe because he lives like about 20 minutes away or a half hour away from the beach we were we were at. And uh and then I didn't ever talk to him since then, and I won't.

SPEAKER_02 30:04

Good, good, yeah. You don't need that in your life, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

I think he probably like how could someone be so not self-aware to realize I I think that they think that the energy that you can match it, right?

SPEAKER_02 30:22

Like I think they're hoping for someone, like in their mind, they're thinking, Oh, it'd be such a connection if I could just bitch about my ex all day, you know. Wow, wouldn't that be great? A woman wants to hear how great it would be to talk about another woman when we're just like that is not what we want to do. And if they he he he probably needs to find someone like that. Maybe probably I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 30:47

It's so weird.

SPEAKER_02 30:48

For us, we're just like uh I don't want to hear that. I definitely don't want to hear that. I will uh no, no, I will shut that shit down. I D I can do that.

SPEAKER_00 30:59

Yeah, it's been kind of one dud after another on that dating app.

SPEAKER_02 31:04

But that's why I think you're gonna find somebody in organically. I think you're gonna find somebody organically who's gonna be the opposite, who's gonna compliment that, compliment that you. Um I think for me, like I have a it's gonna be a little bit of a balance of both, like someone who's not completely out there the way I am either, and not because I'm super loud, which I am, but but too, like right, like somebody who's not doing the same thing as I'm doing, but maybe on their own level doing their own thing, you know.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

Do you feel like your health journey helped you like kind of determine or like realize what's most important for you in a partner?

SPEAKER_02 31:43

Oh yeah, 100%. Because if I were to get sick again, and when I'll probably have to have another surgery at some point in my life on something.

SPEAKER_00 31:54

I know it starts to feel like it's just part of your life, right?

SPEAKER_02 31:58

Statistics say so, right? It just my own body has said so, yeah. Um, yeah, I mean, I have to think about is this person going to be compassionate enough to take care of me when I'm sick or when I'm not feeling feeling right?

SPEAKER_01 32:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:13

And to understand it, there's no way I could be with somebody who's gonna there's there are men out there, as you know, that would be totally turned off by our health journeys, not the ostomy necessarily, although there's those, but just people don't want to deal with people's shit sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 32:31

I think they're just not capable of it, honestly. They're not capable of it. There's just people who just can't handle the stuff that we can handle. They chose easier lives in the soul world when then when they're in their planning stages.

SPEAKER_02 32:44

See, and that's why I think finding somebody who's been through some shit and came out the other end is so important. It doesn't have to be health stuff, it can be anything, but they came out of it because that's I just I I just don't see myself uh finding somebody who's never understood uh who's had it good their whole life, right?

SPEAKER_00 33:08

Because there is, there's the people that have had it good, the people who like when you tell them that your life story, they're like, Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Yeah, they think like it's just been all horrible and yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

I want somebody who who acknowledges that it's been rough, but is like I get it, yeah, you know, I get it. Yeah, because otherwise people can't understand, like nobody would be able to understand me being homeless. Like the first speak of being homeless, people are gonna think, Were you on drugs? Um I don't know, what other things uh drugs, alcoholic, whatever else, right? Like even the immediate stigma attaches to something like that. And it's like, no, I was sick, I had years of on being of not being healthy, you know, and so somebody who understands that, right? I mean, I just I think they're out there, I do think they're out there for me.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

A huge thing is that I want somebody who uh is not negative, like I can't be with someone who is gets upset, like they've they've got to be stoic, like very level um mood because if I'm around someone who's really emotional, gets angry really easily, that just it increases my drama, my anxiety, and I just don't want it. I have zero room for that in my life. I want peace, so that's a huge thing. Negative, no negativity, like never feeling like I have to walk on eggshells about what I say. I want to be able to say freely anything that comes into my head and never be judged for it, always be treated with respect and love, you know, and because I give that, so why can't I get that? You can, yeah. And then the other thing is, is I've always been the most affectionate, and I would really love someone who was super affectionate that would hug me a lot. And because when I'm sick, affection falls right off because I'm the one who always initiates it. Yeah, you know, and my health is a little like this. I get sick sometimes. So when I'm sick, I would love it if I was with someone who actually like hold me or you know.

SPEAKER_02 35:15

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 35:17

Give me some love.

SPEAKER_02 35:18

Yeah, exactly. I I'm definitely uh I I've never been a super, super affectionate person unless it's somebody that I really if let's just say if I like you, you will know that I'm like you because I will be affectionate. Otherwise I won't be at all. Um but I do too. I can feel that. Like I feel the I'm it has to be someone who can play with my hair and and you know, and cuddle with me and and make me feel like I'm number one, right? Like I am the only person in the room. Like I want to feel that way. I want to feel I want the fairy tale. What's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with see you and I we deserve that.

SPEAKER_00 36:01

We deserve that. The problem, the only problem is like when we find it, then how do we keep it? And you know, the excitement of new love is amazing, but over time it wears off, and then we go through the hardships and our bond can pull apart and come back together. So think knowing that that's normal, the ebb and flow of our bond, and being able to find ways to uh keep the spark alive, keep the intensity alive. A large, a large, a lot of that is just being separate beings and and nurturing your own sexual self outside of the relationship, like in the way of um wanting to feel sexy, noticing other sexy people. Doesn't mean you cheat on your partner, but not shutting off the sexual side of you just because you're in a relationship. Because when you do that, when when you only have eyes for your partner and then they get kind of boring to you, or vice versa, you get kind of boring to them and you're dependent on their affection, and and then it's too much responsibility, I think, to put on one person. We need to feel like people outside of our relationship find us attractive and that and that we find other people attractive. We need to like recognize it's normal to have desire and attraction because when we push that down in an effort to be emotionally and mentally monogamous to our partner, we're actually like stifling our own sexual desires and our own sexual needs. And when sex falls off in a relationship, that's often when the relationship starts to go downhill.

SPEAKER_02 37:29

Well, my guess is that you have a ton of uh advice on how to reignite, reignite the relationship, right? You know how to spice things up.

SPEAKER_00 37:40

So reach out if you need some coaching.

SPEAKER_02 37:43

Exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 37:44

Thank you, Nicole. That was perfect segue for me to promote my business.

SPEAKER_02 37:48

Yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome. But but in all reality, um, I think that's what I got out of that too, though, is like the ebb and flow, like you said, you just gotta spark it up a little bit. You gotta reignite, you gotta, you know, just put a little costume on and uh one of them or something, right?

SPEAKER_00 38:08

Yeah, exactly. And both people have to be make make intimacy a priority, both people. Because if only one person does, that's still gonna, it's gonna fail. You know, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:19

Well, I look forward, I'm glad I'm glad this I mean it turned into a little bit more about the the love and and romance, but I think that's what people need to hear. You know, clearly it's what we needed to talk about. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:31

We just went with the flow.

SPEAKER_02 38:32

I feel I feel good about it.

SPEAKER_00 38:34

Me too.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Oh, you're so beautiful. Oh, you are too.

SPEAKER_00 38:43

We we both are. Yeah, we are. What do you want to talk about next week? Any ideas?

SPEAKER_02 38:47

Gosh, I don't know. See, we do this, huh?

SPEAKER_00 38:50

You know what we should do an episode about is um accepting death. I don't know about you, but I've been faced with it so many times, and I bet a lot of our audience have, and we're still around to do this podcast or watch this podcast, but we've had to face the possibility of our demise.

SPEAKER_02 39:14

Yeah, a few times, huh? Yeah, we we could definitely talk about that. I mean, I I mine mine's definitely gonna come from a real spiritual side aspect where uh because that's changed, you know. My idea of death has definitely changed over the last like 10 years.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

So I think it helps you to accept it when you have these when I think spirituality helps you to not be afraid of God for fear. Or God for afraid of death. Or God for that matter. Or God, because then you're gonna be a good idea.