Dating After Trauma, Disability & Time Away

She hasn’t dated in years… and now everything feels intense. Connection, nerves, trauma, attraction… and the fear of messing it up.

In this episode of Rewired and Desired, we unpack what it really looks like to step back into dating after time away, past trauma, and living with an ostomy.

This isn’t surface-level advice. This is real conversation about:

●      Feeling attraction again after years

●      Navigating fear of rejection or being “too much”

●      Dating with an ostomy and being fully seen

●      Green flags vs. emotional blind spots

●      Timing, intimacy, and not rushing what matters

You’ll hear a live coaching-style conversation as Nicole shares her current dating experience… and the deeper mindset shifts that matter more than any “rules.”

If you’ve ever thought:
 “I don’t want to mess this up…”
 This episode is for you.

📌 Connect With Us
Trina Ricketts – The Intimate Ostomate
Website: intimateostomate.com
Instagram:   / intimateostomate 
Youtube:    / @intimateostomate 
Books, guides, coaching & resources
Coaching • Books / Guides • Resources • Intimacy Advocacy

Nicole Richards - Ostomy Innovations
Website: ostomyinnovations222.com
Instagram:   / ostomyinnovations 
Youtube:    / @ostomyinnovations222 
Coaching • Wellness • Disability advocacy • Ostomy Clothing

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:07

Welcome to Rewired and Desired, where intimacy, mindset, and disability intersect. I'm your host, Trina Ricketts, and this is your other host. I don't know which side of the screen you'll be on when we do this, Nicole Richards. Welcome. Welcome everybody. Today we're going to talk about Nicole's updates on her dating life. So we did a um coaching session a few months ago when we first started this podcast. And Nicole shared that she was having an attraction to a gentleman in her life that was coming in and out of her life at the time. And she hadn't hadn't been with anyone in a long, long time and hasn't, I don't think. Anyway. And so she's going to let us know what happened with that, where she's at with dating now, and what challenges she may be experiencing at this time, if any. And we're going to do a little coaching session right in front of you all.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. So thank you for that introduction, Trina. That was you summed it up very perfectly. Um yeah, you know, what was their second episode, I think, was when we did that. And we talked about um that there was this man and he lived in this in the area, and I'm here, you know, helping my friend caregiving for him. And um he was pinning on me, right? And making me feel some sort of way that I had never felt in a long time. Like, and and when I prefaced that feeling, I look back now to say, huh, it wasn't that exciting, actually. But at the time it felt kind of exciting, right? Because one, he just was um a little attentive, but now looking back, like, so glad that the fizzle fizzled because uh there's something else going on right now for me. So so moving backwards a little bit, um it was like the end of October, and he was leaving, and but he didn't tell us he was leaving, and I was just like, gosh, like weird. He's like hit on me, like he like, you know, whatever. Make signals and then he's just leaving. And I'm like, oh, okay, yep, make signals, right? And like, but at the time when you're in it, you don't really look at it like that, right? You're just like a little smitten, you know, you you're getting some attention, you know, you haven't had attention in a while, um, so it feels different, right? Um but also comparing this to my past life regression, because remember, he was he comes up clearly in my past life. Wow. Yes, and because in one of my in my past life regression at one point, I was on the beach of California, and I was looking out to the ocean for my man that who left to see and didn't come back. And I was standing on the beach just longing and looking out, and now this man that was hitting on me has a big yacht parked out front, and he was leaving, and in my mind I was like, But I never actually gave in to him, so in a sense, my thought is in the past life there was this loss, right? That I felt very deeply, and this loss, I transmuted that, and I didn't feel anything. I'm like, you know, okay, taste, you know.

SPEAKER_03 4:17

Sounds like me right now with every guy that I flirt with. At first I'm a little excited, and then I'm like, How long does that take to fade for you? Not very long.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Days?

SPEAKER_03 4:30

Yeah, days usually.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Yeah, okay, days. Okay. So which brings me to sometimes weeks though. Okay, sometimes weeks. Okay. So present day, um, I posted so I got monetized on Facebook and I put a couple posts up just to see like, okay, how is this gonna work? Like, what would I have to do to get the engagement on my private page? Because it's it only works on private. I wish it worked on groups because I crapped on engagement on my Facebook groups, but um, it's only like on your private page. And so I was like, okay, I don't really post much on my private page. So about a month ago, and I when I knew I was going back to Minnesota, you know, asking for a friend, looking for dating app advice. And I saw that. I think I commented on it. Yeah, that's so funny. Um, and so I posted on there and I had said, you know, asking for dating apps because I had noticed somebody on my Facebook that I knew from high school, and he'd been called no you're single. I don't know how I have these mad skills, but somehow I think it might be just being in your presence. It's pretty smooth, Nicole. Well, it gets but it gets better. So, um, so I post, you know, and um I think he saw it and liked it or something. And I had just several men reach out in my private messages. And one guy did ask me out on a date. Um, he's somebody I worked with a long time ago, and and I said yes, you know. Um, I said, well, I won't be home until June. So, you know, so once in a while he'll like, hey, still going on a date? Yeah, yeah. Well, so then a few weeks passed, and I was like, he was on my radar more, like this guy, right? Coming up in your feed more, you mean? Coming up in my feed more because I was clicking on him clearly. If I'd seen him, I'd watch his post or whatever, what he was doing at the time. And was like, you know, he's um super, super like faithful, like and faithful in like a Christian manner, which I was like, wait, how is that gonna work here? How is that gonna work? Um at first, right? Um, because you know, for me, like I believe in Jesus and I believe in all of the things, but I'm also like like I don't stigmatize myself to a religion, right? And I've been so like turned off because my brothers made me feel that because of the way I believe that I'm wrong, because he's a Christian.

SPEAKER_03 7:12

And so it's been Christians are like everything else is pagan and comes from the devil, and it's and I I hate that stigma.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

And I think I I kind of think the Catholic Church is to blame for stigmatizing that because they kind of I mean they're the ones who are like, oh, these are witches and burn them at the stake kind of thing. When it's not they're doing the same thing in sure, anyways, that's a whole nother conversation. But but but the point was is like I didn't want to feel judged by somebody either, right? So, so anyways, so I posted that I was I had one date set up when I got home. This is a few weeks ago. I said I have one date set up, um, but I want to date, which means I want to date a few different people. I don't want to just date a person, right?

SPEAKER_04 8:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

And um, because I've never done that, I've never done this in my life. So I I post and I, of course, I started getting the messages, you know, coming in and the comments. And um, my hope was he would see it, right? And within I think a half hour of posting, he had seen it and commented. And so then I engaged a question back, which was what I was doing with all of them, because I was, like I said, it was not only just testing the waters with him, but I was also testing like, okay, if you keep the engagement up on the comments, then it helps get more people seeing it, right? So I made sure I commented everybody, everybody, everybody. And then when he said something, I was like, oh, well, um, he said, any guy that you would have uh or uh whatever, I can't even remember what he said. And so I asked him a question and then he sends me a private message. And so I was like, he said, he said, any guy that would ask that wouldn't say yes to you would be foolish. I don't know. I don't know what he like I said, I forget what he said. Yeah, um, I said, Well, that's interesting because in my in my post, I had said I there was a specific guy that I want to ask out. A specific guy. And so when when he messaged me, I said, Well, how interesting because you're the one who I wanted to ask out.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of you.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

I said, So, I said, So will you go out with me? And he said, of course. Like, and um Oh, I'm getting excited.

SPEAKER_02 9:36

I love the story.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

No, no, and um the interesting thing is, okay, so we went to high school together almost 30 years ago. And um, I left high school my senior year. My parents were my dad was going through a lot, my mom and dad were going through a lot, and um we left and had to move moved out of state, and so I had to finish my senior year somewhere else. And it was very traumatizing because I went from um a town, I was living in a town of 150 people. I was going to school in a town that had 5,000 people that lived in this town, and we went to back to my whole hometown of Kenosha, which was complete culture shock to me and uh now a graduating class of like hundreds, right? Like 400 or something. And so it was just a really traumatizing time. And and I and I never I connect with all these people on Facebook, but I've never really went back to my hometown, or or I'm gonna say hometown, but I never really went back there. And he's stayed there his whole life. Okay, and um, it's just we're we're real different in a lot of ways, right? But now we've been talking for a few weeks, and the connection is so intense, yay! The conversation, the feelings, the all of it. It's like super, super intense. And I mean, to say I'm nervous, I don't know, but I know that day coming up, which is like by the time this video comes out, I will have gone on my date the night before. So this airs on Sunday, I'm going on my date on Saturday. Yeah, I'm still in California, but I'll be home on tomorrow, tomorrow night. So I'm I okay. First of all, I'm nervous because I haven't dated in years. I haven't, I don't think I've ever really dated in a sense, you know. Like I've gone on a few dates, maybe, but like everyone I ended up with was like, you know, I don't know whatever, you know, the the two fathers of my kids. And like it was never really like a dating thing, you know. You just yeah, me neither.

SPEAKER_03 11:56

I never dated until now. See, right? It's different. I would meet someone, and then that would be it. I would just start dating that person, but I never like dated different people, testing the waters, meeting people, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:11

Which is like I'm at the point that I don't want, I don't know that I would want to date at this point. Like, I don't like if I mean if this works out, I just don't see why I would like there's no like there's no question, like whatsoever. And dating anyone else, if this works out, if this works out, so yeah, so yeah, so I'm nervous. Um, we're gonna be riding a motorcycle, which is great, but but I haven't I said I wasn't gonna get back on a motorcycle after my accident. It wasn't a motorcycle accident, but I was just like, I won't like the injuries that I have, there's no way I want to hurt myself, but I am. I'm I mean, I've Nicole does not let fear, you know, get in the way.

SPEAKER_03 12:57

Did you ask him if he's he'll ride like a normal person, or do you trust him to ride a good person? That's awesome. Because I've seen guys ride like such idiots on motorcycles so many times, and I I ride a motorcycle, I have a motorcycle license. Uh, but I won't get on a motorcycle with any guy unless I know what they ride like because I'm like, I'm not risking my life because you want to show off to me. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Right, right. Yeah, no, I mean, like, just ever like just base like I know it's easy to say, like, well, he says this, he says this, he says this, and I get that, but the only reason I have the feelings I have for him is because I've been seeing the things he's been saying and doing, and I see the way he shows up in his community, and I see the way he fights for the things that he likes, that he loves, and then he believes in his views. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, that's what like turned me on to him. Was like I was seeing him do these things, and I'm like, I'm like, wait a minute, like, because I'm I'm a fighter, you know. I'm like a, you know, like for my advocacy and like for people who you know aren't feeling a hundred percent like I'm fighting for them, so it's like to see someone else fighting for what they believe, and it's like that's that's sexy, right? Um, and so the conversations have just been like so intense and um did he plan your date? Well, so I asked him out, so I said I'm planning the date, but then we kind of decided that like let's not plan it, let's just go with the flow. What happens happens, you know. Let's just he's gonna pick me up and we're gonna get on his bike and head off. And where we stop, we stop, and where we yeah, you know, nice sounds fun. I'm I'm I'm excited. I'm also like, I guess what I'm looking at what I'm trying to say is like obviously I'm nervous, right? Like, obviously the nerves, but I also feel so comfortable, like that I'm almost I don't want to mess, I don't want to fuck this up, Trina. That's what I'm trying to fuck.

SPEAKER_03 15:14

Well, if he's the right guy, you won't. Yeah, yeah, if he's the right guy, you can't fuck it up. Okay, I know it's like if the connection is strong for both of you, then there's nothing you can do to fight it.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah, bet. And that's just it. Like, you know, here's the other beautiful part. He knows like he's been following me, like on my journey, because he in our in our conversations, he's like, dude, you're doing like, you know, I love what you're doing, and he knows about my ostomy, and that's you don't have to tell him, that's a bonus. Don't have to tell him. And we know it's so funny, too. Okay, so I will get into that, but two about a week ago, I did a live on Ostomy Body Positive where I was talking about um people who show up for you, like how they're gonna like react with your ostomy. They're gonna ask questions, they're gonna want to know, they're gonna do their maybe their research or just get your opinion on it. And at one point in in these conversations we've been having, he's he's like, by the way, I I did some research, like I know about I know like is that you know, with ostomy, and he says, and um showed that he very much did research what yeah, that is such a good sign.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

That's a definitely a green flag, yeah. Huge green flag. Yeah, I I'm feeling it so far.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

I approve. So do I. Um, but yeah, I guess I know I can't mess it up, but like you still feel like, right?

SPEAKER_03 16:55

Doesn't it like you still kind of like anything in particular that you're nervous about?

SPEAKER_00 16:58

I think I think I would be like, I think for me is because thinking about the inevitable of one day the intimacy part and not the awesome, although yes, that's gonna come up for me. But I guess just like even for me, it's like I feel like there's times that I've like went too fast or and I messed it up that way. But then again, it was because I feel like I was feeling pressure from like it was never because I wanted to, it was because I was feeling pressure from somebody and I was so gullible. Now I'm not that way anymore, and I'm always gonna stand in my my own. However, because it's it has been so long and it has been like, and that energy is hard for you to keep your hormones in girl, girl, I'm in my 40s, and they say, like, when you're in your 40s, you're like in your prime, and like, you know, that and so yes, so I I guess I kind of I think that's what I'm looking for, is like because I think we mentioned this too, and I asked you this last week. I was like, how long do you like and I there should there's no time frame, right? There is no time frame, and we are adults, and there's all that, but I also don't want to fuck it up.

SPEAKER_03 18:22

So, what is this? Are you just going for a weekend visit and going on a date, or are you moving back home this weekend?

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Oh no, I'm going moving home to tomorrow.

SPEAKER_03 18:32

Wow, good for you. I thought you weren't moving till June.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

I don't know why. I wasn't, I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to, but um we had so the last week of caregiving, he had maybe like the start of something going on, and it caused some things that were so hard on me, my body, and everything. And and here's the thing: I have so many doctors' appointments I need to catch back up on, so many tests, so many things, not just for my accident, but with my Crohn's, with my ostomy, like just so many things I need to go do back home. It was time, anyways. Yeah, um, but with with what was going on over here, it just um he needed more specialized support. He needed better support, um, somebody that could give him a little more time because I'm doing all this stuff, you know. And um, it worked out that they were ready to go. And and that's the other part of this.

SPEAKER_03 19:30

Like, I feel like when something is energetically aligned, that the I already know everything just unfolds before you.

SPEAKER_00 19:41

And that's exactly what's happening. Everything is just unfolding in a perfect way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:47

I mean, I I wouldn't judge you if you did like engage in intimacy.

SPEAKER_00 19:51

I mean, not right away, not not the first time.

SPEAKER_03 19:54

Not I mean, what I like I like to wait because I love a slow burn. I want to feel those excitement anticipation feelings for as long as I can before, but you know, some heavy petting, some making out.

SPEAKER_00 20:07

Yeah, yeah. And I think that's I think that's where I have to remember.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

Say, I don't have sex on the first date. And I assume you don't because you're a Christian.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

It reminds me of that Matt Mason song. Do you know Matt Mason? Yeah, but who is synogenic song? He goes, Go find yourself a man that's strong and tall and Christian. Yeah, reminds me of that. I love but um, yeah, no, no, and I would never like like that. No, like first, no. Um, but I also like I said, I do, I just yeah, I don't want to mess it. I just I feel like if I did it would mess things up, anyways. Like I don't know why. I just do, no?

SPEAKER_03 20:50

Yeah, no, no, I agree with you. Yeah, I mean, my uh my last long-term relationship, it wasn't the first night, but it was the second night.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

See, that's but and see that's what I'm saying. Like, even that lasted nine years, so there's potential now, yeah. But no, no, no, and I wouldn't even consider it to be that soon, anyways. Um I guess like for me, like I just feel like naive to this part of my life, you know. I feel a little wild, yeah, yeah. You know, it's like, and that's just it. Like you want when something feels so right, you just want to make sure that and I don't want to do, I don't want to worry so much that I push it away either, because that's the other, that's the other part. Um, and I'm not, I don't I don't feel worried.

SPEAKER_03 21:43

Is there worry that if you engage in intimacy too soon, that you'll lose the relationship or you'll lose the spark?

SPEAKER_00 21:51

I think I'm worried about a guy getting what he based on past experience, yeah, getting what he wants and then.

SPEAKER_03 22:02

But is it what you want? I mean, what you have to ask yourself when you finally do it is am I doing this to keep this guy for the rest of my life, or am I doing this because I want to?

SPEAKER_00 22:16

But that's the thing. I my fear is that when you do it, it may be that he's discarding afterwards.

SPEAKER_03 22:27

But if he is, then it's not worth it.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

Exactly. But I still have this, like, I still have this thing in the back of my mind, which is why I I didn't engage with that other guy. And I'm so glad I didn't, is because I've been I and I said this too in that podcast. I was like, I want a spiritual connection. If a man and I've been saying this for a few years, you can't you better stimulate my mind better than you stimulate my vagina.

SPEAKER_03 22:59

Yes, exactly. And also like when guys rush into that, and you know, uh women just we're we we're more aroused by the connection and the giving of non-penetrative pleasure, like just you know, that's what we love. And men think I could never I've heard so many men say this, hello guys. I could never satisfy a woman now because they have erectile dysfunction or something. And I'm like, not uh there are a lot of women who probably be like, okay, that guy's even better than I thought, because they just don't even want to do penetration anymore because they're they're sick of it, because the the penetrative sex they've had has been all about the penetration, which isn't that great of sex, right? And right, you know, and guys don't get it, they don't get it because for them that's very like they're actually biologically driven to do it, like that it's even out of their control in some ways because it's a biological drive, but at the same time, it's within their control because they're rational human beings at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um I think what you'll find is that the reason you're probably having these fears right now is obviously based on your past experiences, but also because your entire relationship so far with this wonderful gentleman is online. Yeah. Once you're in person and you can see and feel and watch how he behaves with you, you know, test him a little bit. Like test, you know, see see what he's like when you go out for dinner. You might find that there are things about him that you're like, hmm, I don't know. Yeah, then you'll then you'll be like, so because everything is a trade-off. So when you get in a relationship, you're gonna have to sacrifice some things. And you're also going to hopefully be blessed with things you didn't have, right? Yeah. So the goal is that the that your life is better than it was before. Otherwise, no point in being in a relationship.

SPEAKER_00 25:05

The compliments, the complimentary to your life.

SPEAKER_03 25:09

Yeah. And like if he is someone who ticks the important boxes, communicates with you, doesn't give send you mixed signals like the other guy. Uh does what he says he's gonna do.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Right.

SPEAKER_03 25:25

You know, that will be so and that will come with like weeks of dating and seeing what he's like and being in his presence. Yeah. And I mean, that's to me, I've had that happen too, where like you you make out or get together with them physically, and then that's all it is. But right, but for me, I never really I don't know. I've I've I've never really taken it personally, so it hasn't like made me feel bad about myself. I've always looked at it like glad that I dodged a bullet. You know what I mean? Like that's true, but I do understand like a feeling of like I wish I didn't give it up to that loser.

SPEAKER_01 26:09

Right. See, there's a look at both.

SPEAKER_03 26:11

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:14

But it's not usually because they uh they just wanted that, it's usually for me because I find out later that they're not a nice person or that they they've hurt somebody or they say something really ignorant, and I like and I just start to see them as a person who's unworthy of being with this awesome person. Yeah, I'm a little bit uh uh arrogant, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

That's not arrogance, no, that is not arrogance. That's like knowing your worth and your value. That's where we're at. Like people have uh women and men both have to understand that they their value is so much worth more than um than they even know most of the time.

SPEAKER_03 26:56

Yeah, so I think like if you go back home and you see that he is genuinely a good human being, yeah, that you would never be embarrassed at a later date for having a one-night stand with him, you know what I mean? Which you're not gonna do, but I'm just saying, like as a hypothetical, um, that's a test for me. Like, I that's why I don't sleep with guys until I get to know them anymore. Because I've had that experience where I felt like that guy did not deserve to have sex with me.

SPEAKER_02 27:29

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 27:30

And I regret it because I wish I'd known him better and never done that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

And you know, I want to say this too, and I preface that I know I've healed from my past relationships, but I also know that I've never been in a good relationship, right? So that's also difficult because you know, the three big relationships I've had was, you know, the the first father of my kids, and he um was very, he wasn't like a beater, right? He didn't beat me, but he was very emotionally manipulative in so many ways. But he would, he would like steal my stuff. If they were clothes I looked good in, I'd find them cut up in my closet. Oh gosh. Oh yeah, he stole one of each of like I had all like all my shoes, right? He stole one of each pair, one shoe of each pair. I'm so sad. Like who like where do you come up with this? And then and then I was with uh the father of my younger two kids, and he did um, he went to prison for trying to kill me. Oh and so cool.

SPEAKER_02 28:44

Oh yeah, oh yeah. So no wonder you have all of these there's some trauma and shit that you've had to work through.

SPEAKER_03 28:50

Holy shit.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

Right. And then the next relationship was just was never abusive whatsoever, but um, but he had PTSD from the war, and he was just really not there, right? Not there emotionally, and um so yeah, there's never been a good uh role model in my sense of like being able to, but I do know that the pro the best part of it is is I do know that I deserve that, and I do know that I would I I I know the signs to look for, and like so what are the signs? Um the negative ones are the good ones, the good ones. So I will say, like somebody who is actively taking part of their life and do working towards a goal, it doesn't have to be me too, and I don't know any guys like that, none, you know, it's so frustrating.

SPEAKER_03 29:51

Uh my sunsets it's because of where I live, but I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00 29:56

Because here's the thing the guy, those guys are sitting around playing video games or wasting their time away doing this, that, or the other. But a guy who has like a goal, like even if it's fishing, like right, he's maybe he's fishing and creating videos, maybe he's fishing and um yeah, with a sense of I'm gonna start a business, like and he's doing something, you know, yeah, whatever it is, there's some kind of We talked about this with me, remember?

SPEAKER_03 30:22

And we were like, do I want someone like that, or do I want someone who's more of a rock? I do feel like I lean towards I want someone more like me, who's driven and has like a creative side that wants to do stuff, yeah. You have to that would be nice.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

You I think you have to because um you if if you're living this life that's like, hey, by the way, I have meetings, I have clients, I have um uh like for instance, I have to fly to Boston the end of June, like for this meeting. And it's like you have to have somebody who also is doing their own thing because they're gonna be sitting on the couch, just like wonder when she's gonna be home. What is she wonder what she's doing? Yeah, she is she really codependent relationship, though.

SPEAKER_03 31:06

If you found someone else who was secure, they would be okay with doing whatever they're doing, I think. But yeah, the anxious attachment is gonna be like that.

SPEAKER_01 31:15

Anxious attachment.

SPEAKER_03 31:16

We're gonna be crazy when you're apart.

SPEAKER_00 31:19

Yes, and I don't want what is she doing?

SPEAKER_03 31:21

Who is she doing?

SPEAKER_00 31:22

Right, but that's just it. Like when you get to a healthy state of your life, a healthy point in your life, you are doing your own thing. Yes, and and see, and that's what I see about him. It's like he has this, he has that, he has this, so he's doing things.

SPEAKER_03 31:37

Like a needy man at this age is so unattractive to me. But an absent or avoidant man is also extremely unattractive to me. Right.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

And if you think about it, right, that is extremely exactly. See, there's the point, there's a middle ground, and the middle ground is somebody who goes out and lives their life, but still is either sends you that daily message or shows up unannounced and like, I missed you and I just needed to see you.

SPEAKER_03 32:09

We talked about this before. The secure attachment, if they think that you're getting insecure or you're struggling, they'll try to help you, they'll try to reassure you. They won't like be like, I've already told you I love you. You know I love you. They won't be like, uh, what are you crying about now? Yeah, you know what I mean? This is not what a secure attachment will do. They're not like that. They're like, oh honey, really? That hurt you when I said that. I didn't want to hurt you. Come here, let me give you a hug. That's what a secure attachment will do. So definitely watch for those signs.

SPEAKER_01 32:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

Another thing I really like green flags, I think, are the most important because everything else, it's it's a trade-off. All the negative stuff you say to yourself, can I live with this or not? And if the person is amazing in a million ways and they just have a few little things, then you can live with it. Yes, yes. But if you if they're not that amazing, it's like, no, I can't fucking live with that. If you put the toilet seat up every day and he doesn't treat me with respect, you know, like no, thank you. Um but I think like to me, what I learned with my ex, because we were both very broken when we met, we were not fully uh healed, and we did a lot of healing together. I did a lot of healing.

SPEAKER_01 33:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:32

And uh him, not as much with me. With with for him, I think I just provided a really safe space for his avoided personality, his avoidant attachment self, because I'm so independent and I wouldn't like try to chase him, you know, so he could just he would never feel like, oh god, uh you know, I have to deal with this woman. Which kind of which probably kind of worked, right? It did. I mean, I I can in the future, secure only, but in the past, it's almost always been avoidant for me. Wow. Because I can't stand someone who's too codependent, like too. Um, but I think what I learned from that relationship because I was so happy with him, even though we went through some really horrible times and he did some pretty shitty shit. Um, like as a drug addict and an alcoholic and getting offenders and cheating, even. Um, but we were best friends, like best friends. So I think test your friendship. Can you say anything to him and he won't take it wrong? Yeah. Can you be yourself? Can you make a mistake and not and he won't use it against you?

SPEAKER_01 34:42

Right, right.

SPEAKER_03 34:44

These are the tests to me that matter. Like with my ex, even though um I wouldn't never get back together with him again. There are aspects of that relationship that I would look for again. And one of those is the ability to be myself and not ever feel judged by my people.

SPEAKER_01 35:01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:02

And I think that if if I can't have that at least, then I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm way happier by myself, not being judged.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

No, and we should and we shouldn't have to feel judged, like not at all, especially when we're at this point in our lives, right?

SPEAKER_03 35:18

And in bad relationships, that's how we feel, right? I'm sure you felt judged by you know the first two relationships at least that you were in.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

All of them, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:28

You know, and like you can never be good enough, especially if a person's not communicating with you, then you start to wonder too. Like, you know, you don't know what's going on in their mind or what they're thinking or what they're doing because they don't communicate. So that would be really important thing to watch for. And it sounds like he already is.

SPEAKER_00 35:47

I think so. And I think you're right, like the communication. I was actually telling my son this yesterday because he was crying about the boy he was dating, and he was like, Yeah, and I was like, listen, you learn something from this, right? Like, you learn just now in this moment that if you're gonna communicate, you have to mean what you say and say what you mean because you played a game and it backfired on you. And so now you take this information and you move it into the next relationship, and you know now don't say something you don't mean, you know. And um, so I can see, and I told him I said, I'm learning right now, I'm only learning right now in my 40s, that communication is gonna be the most important thing in a relationship is communication.

SPEAKER_03 36:37

But guys aren't very good at communication, guys are not biologically wired for communication, so you have to be able to like find the way to communicate with them. So to me, a lot of it is just the security. If like he might not say a lot, but if he reassures me when I need it, then that's that means something. Or if the relationship breaks down or he's jealous about something and I confront him and say, We need to talk about this. He'll sit down and he'll talk to me, you know. But like outside of that, I don't, I I personally don't think it's beneficial to put a lot of pressure on men to communicate because they struggle with it. Whereas women, it's our natural thing. Men communicate with their bodies, they physically communicate, you know, and that's why they're they express their love through love making, through physical. Whereas women, we express our love by you know affection, yeah, words of affirmation, quality time, spending time together, the social bonding types, emotional bonding types of things, right? But guys need the emotional bonds, but that's how they go trying to get it.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

That's that's funny because my sister this morning said, um, she's like, Yeah, I still have to tell my husband. Um, because my sister's like buff and athletic and like all these things. She goes, I still twice a week ask him to open the jar because it's too hard for me to open. She does that just to make him feel like a man. Yeah. Oh, I love her. And she's like, and the laundry. She's like, I deadlift like whatever, how many pounds? She goes, I still tell him the head the laundry is too heavy for me to bring the basket up the stairs. So um I think that's also it's kind of the physical part, right? That's the physical part you're talking about. She's also, my sister has a lot of like little little good nuggets, but she also said this that um a long time ago, and it goes back to what you were just saying about the emotions. Um, men, something about men feel seven, only like seven emotions, while we have like 50. Maybe it wasn't her who said this. There's some weird, weird number where women are women have all these things, and men have like five or six or seven, right? So it it does make for the dynamic is hard, right?

SPEAKER_03 39:09

Like especially if we're not taught this. Like we think, oh god, they're they're so focused on sex. When that's how they that they're wired to get emotional intimacy is through sex, and they're like, oh my god, she wants to have a talk again. And that's how we get horny, is we have these emotional connections, and then we're like, oh my god, I I feel so close to him right now. I just want to, I want him to be inside me. But back to what you're going through, um, I think that there's some really green flags with him that would indicate that he is not the type of guy that would just want to get in the sack with you.

SPEAKER_01 39:53

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:53

I do guys who want just or who that's just really all they're after is, you know, once or maybe even a handful of times of getting in the sack with you aren't gonna research your ostomy.

SPEAKER_01 40:06

That's true, right?

SPEAKER_03 40:07

They don't care about your ostomy and they don't care about your ostomy.

SPEAKER_01 40:12

Yeah, they don't really care anyways, right?

SPEAKER_03 40:15

That's a huge one right there. And uh I think that you probably, if you think about it, have seen other signs, but that to me is like no, a guy that what is invest is taking time to learn about you and get to know you has investment in this situation, yeah. Which I think is so beautiful. Thank you. What's his relationship history? Do you know?

SPEAKER_00 40:40

Um, I don't know a lot. I just know um he's uh from what I gather, he's been single a while, a little while, um, since since he and I have been now on Facebook. I haven't seen him with anybody or anything like that. So it's been a little while, I think. I don't think the length of time for me, I don't think it's that same length of time. I think he has had relationships since. Um, but he's also um a recovering, you know, addict with certain things. And uh, but he's been sober for like a really long time. Nice, a really, really long time.

SPEAKER_03 41:17

Very find a lot of people in the program who have been sober for years and years and years, they're always doing self-work. Yes, I love that. That's a really important quality to me.

SPEAKER_00 41:28

And he is, and I can tell, and I think that's what kind of attracted him. He became attracted to me was because I'm very post about a lot of the things that I've been doing and all the places I've done and some of the practices and things that I've gotten into. And so um I do think that that's what you know attracted because I think he knows like if you're gonna be again, it goes back to the common, those common goals and those common things. Like he's self-worked on himself. Like, granted, I didn't have addictions, it wasn't based on that, but it was my health, it was my mental health, it was my past relationship, it was all these things, right? And I I've worked at those things for myself, and so we're both self-done.

SPEAKER_03 42:16

I mean, if he's attracted to you because you're doing self-work, I mean, he sounds like a perfect man. Yeah, I know because I'm attracted to men who are doing self-work.

SPEAKER_00 42:28

Yeah, it's so hard to find. It is hard to find, yeah. That's the thing, it is hard to find.

SPEAKER_03 42:33

And and I want not just a guy who does like works on his emotions, but cares about his health, yeah, yeah, which is what he eats, yeah, yeah, exercises, like does things, like cares about his takes care of himself. The temple, you know, yeah, because I take care of myself, yeah. And so I always find it so weird that these guys that are like really unhealthy eat shit food, like obese some of them, obviously not taking care of their health, barely ever like get up to go for a walk, and they're trying to date me. Yeah, and I'm like, we don't have anything in common. Like, that's a huge thing to me. Hello after everything I've been through.

SPEAKER_00 43:16

Right. Are you gonna really because that's the thing? Do you gonna really want to lay around in his bed like while he's playing video games? Or watching TV all day or snacking on binge?

SPEAKER_03 43:31

But you know, video games is the reason that my oldest daughter's uh dad and I split up. He was addicted really he was addicted to video games. It was right back when people were first getting computers, like in the late 90s, early 2000s. Yeah, and he got a computer because he went to school and became like a computer technician. And after that, that's all he did. He was so addicted to video games that it just destroyed early. He started to get pudgy and pale. And I had just lost my attraction to him altogether because I had to make him get up in the morning and to go to work because he would stay up all night playing video games. Like, what kind of what kind of man thinks a woman's gonna be attracted to that?

SPEAKER_00 44:14

There's no way. There's no way. Especially someone who's been working on themselves. There's no way you're gonna scale yourself backwards. And and here and there's the saying about the five people. Do you know you're the sum of the five people you spend the most time with? Yeah. Like what? You're not gonna put yourself backwards. I look back right now, even just like five years ago, there was people I hung out with because I knew their, like I could see their souls. And I was, I was, I don't want to say naive to that, but I always look for the good in people. But now looking back, like I can love them, pe them as friends from afar, but they're no way are people I'm gonna spend my time with, and not because I'm better, it's because I'm just working on myself and I'm not gonna put myself in that.

SPEAKER_03 45:01

Like if it'll drag you down. You will jay, it will I remember I had this girlfriend like for years, years. And one night she comes to the bar where I'm working as a massage girl in the strip club, and I'm having like the worst headache of my life. And I'm I'm like just about to leave. And she is like, Oh, can you just stay for one drink? I've had a really bad day. I just wanted to see you. I was like, Okay, fine. I sit down, we're having this one drink, and I can't even listen to her because I have such a terrible headache. And she says, Um, you know, can we order another drink? And I said, honestly, why don't we go back to my house and we'll have some drinks? I need to get home, I need to take some Advil or something. My head is pounding. And she got mad at me, like threw a hissy fit, walked out of the bar, and I was like, Okay, she's had a bad day. I was really nice about it. I tried to call her several times and say, let's work this out. What's going on? Like, I'm sorry. Like, you know, I know I knew she was overreacting, but I still took the high road and tried to heal this little rift that she caused. Um, and she wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't have anything to do with me. And so, you know, a couple months later, when she did try to contact me, I just didn't respond. I was like, uh, I don't need your drama. Same. I don't need to be treated like that. I'm not gonna be friends with someone who treats me like that. I don't need you in my life. Yeah, I'll like your Facebook posts, and that's about it.

SPEAKER_00 46:31

Yeah, yeah. I I had a similar situation like just two years ago. Um, she's another nomad girl, good friends, like I love her to death. Um, but she was drinking a lot and doing that kind of thing. And you know, she'd come over to ask me about me, like, oh, I know you just went on that show. How was the entrepreneurship show? Or how is the business? And she'd say she wants to come over to ask me and talk to me about it. She never would ask, it would just go into like this dramatic crying episode about our life and how this and she's like, I was just like for an hour, and then I listen for like an hour. Like I was just like this doormat, you know, and I'm like, eventually I just had to cut ties.

SPEAKER_03 47:17

You know what? You know how I deal with those people? What do you do? And I have friends like that, but they never phone me like that after once. They do it once and they'll never do it again. Because I I call them out, I call them out for the shit. Well, why did you do that? Well, why did you say that? I don't say, Oh, you're right. Oh, how could he have done that? Oh my god, I feel so bad for you. I don't say that. I say, Well, don't you think when you said that that his reaction was normal? Like, I just call them out. Uh and everything they say, I'll say, Really? You did that? Don't you think that's a little over the top?

SPEAKER_01 47:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:56

And nobody wants you to say those things. That's actually being a better friend than um than the enabling the the other behavior.

SPEAKER_03 48:04

And then if they ever really want a real opinion from someone, they know who to call.

SPEAKER_00 48:10

Is this shirt look cute on me? Well, I don't know. Let's try something else. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Well, this is good. I I I really I find I think um I feel less, I don't say nervous. Like nervous isn't the right word.

SPEAKER_03 48:27

Change whenever you feel nervous, change it to excitement.

SPEAKER_00 48:31

Yes, it is excitement. It's a commute that shit. Yeah, I like that. I like that. Yeah, no, I'm excited. Um, you know, I I could I could totally be off baits too, right? I could be totally wrong about the whole thing. You never know. What do you mean? Like you meet them in person and there's no attraction. Well, no, I think there would be an attraction. I think um maybe I've missed maybe I've misread everything, right? Maybe I've missed I I know, I know I haven't, but I'm I'm trying to put it out there as in like if there was a pain or hurt that I won't be so hurt if it happens, right?

SPEAKER_03 49:06

Like there's yeah, well, uh how I would look at it, honestly, Nicole, is these last few weeks or however long it's been since you guys have been connecting have been so fucking fun. They've they've showed you you still have those feelings. Yeah, they've showed you that there is a possibility of you meeting someone, you're boring again. Probably been a while since you felt you know that very much. Yeah, um, all of this wonderful feelings, connecting with someone, having amazing conversations. If you never saw him again, you would be so grateful you've had this time. That that's very true. You know what I mean? So focus on like yeah, embracing today.

SPEAKER_00 49:47

That's a really, really good reframe. Because I do that with everything else in my life. Why would I not do that here?

SPEAKER_03 49:55

And I didn't even think of I did that for nine years in my relationship because you know, things were really shitty sometimes, and we broke up a few times and got back together because I wasn't willing to stay if things weren't good.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 50:10

But if things were good, they were great. And I wanted to have a great day or a great month or a great couple years. Um, after you know, repeated times of uh his addiction issues, we we grew apart and it just became the right time for us to to end the relationship. But I don't regret uh the many like I don't even regret being with a guy who cheated on me and went on vendors for weeks at a time. I don't regret it because I had so much fun and I felt so in love for a lot of it. And we really were like best friends for a lot of it. So taking what you cherishing what the good things that you're getting out of this without putting like a an expectation that this has to be for forever. Yeah, you know, going day by day, this is still great. I'm gonna keep going. This is still great. I'm gonna keep going. And then if something bad happens, you're like, this sucks, but so much great has happened. I'm gonna wait and I'm gonna keep going.

SPEAKER_00 51:10

It's like the being, it's like being in the now because you're really being in the present. Um, we actually him and I are actually talking about being in the present. Um, but that's it's super powerful because that's how you manifest more, is like by being content with what you have. I was on a phone call with my with one of my good friends today, and I was like, I was like, I feel like I'm winning at life right now. Like, I'm winning at life. And um, she's and I was like, this is what um and Abraham Hicks, um, it Esther Hicks, she channels Abraham Hicks, and what her premise of her whole message is that when you are content in the now, but you know this future still has so much there for you. Like, if if I were to leave this earth today, I would be so content with where I'm at because I feel so much love and appreciation, and I feel my heart open, and I feel, you know, I see my grandkids are healthy and my kids are happy, and um my business is doing I'm getting messages every day from people like I love this, this is get help making me feel better, confident, and then um the advocacy, like it just feels so good. It's like so. If I can do that, inject boy here, like it is like hello, thank you for that.

SPEAKER_03 52:37

That's I mean, you never know what's gonna happen, right? Something could happen to one of you, or yeah, the world could end. I don't know, like anything could happen, and so really all we have is what we have right now. So we can't count on the future no matter who it is, even if it is our soulmate, even if everything works out perfectly for you.

SPEAKER_00 52:57

Yeah, yes, yes, and looking in the past isn't good either. So learning from the past, but not ref not staying there, not worrying about, and that's and I think I think part of that is like the message too is like I really need to, you know, not worry about if it wouldn't work out because of the past trauma. So well, thank you. This is amazing.

SPEAKER_02 53:21

You're like, I enjoy this.

SPEAKER_00 53:23

I love how your ostomy coach right here.

SPEAKER_02 53:27

The intimate ostomate. Yes, yeah. Talk to me about all your naughty fun problems, and I'll get giggly.

SPEAKER_00 53:35

Well, speaking of, speaking of naughty, next week we're gonna be talking about porn, yeah. Uh, specifically the like effects, I think, really is kind of what we're gonna get into.

SPEAKER_03 53:47

The effects of porn and like the whole penetration paradigm that's destroying sensuality for especially people our age, because as we get older, we can't, after our surgeries and whatnot, can't necessarily do it the way they're doing it in porn. Right. And a lot of us don't want to.

unknown 54:06

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:07

So we're gonna talk about porn. We have girl talk about porn. I love that. You know, I've I've gotten asked, like by women even, like like working in restaurants across the country. Um, I've had several times people said, You don't watch porn, and I'm like, No. Do you? And they said they said yes, and I'm like, I don't, like, I I don't I'm not like I've never seen it. I have seen porn, but I've never I don't watch it. Like I don't go online and watch it.

SPEAKER_03 54:41

I mean it can just speed things up a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 54:44

Okay, that's about it. Fair enough, fair enough touche, to each your own.

SPEAKER_03 54:50

But I really think like being able to depend on your imagination is a lot better.

SPEAKER_00 54:54

Yeah, I think so too. Well, thank you. We'll talk about more innovation.

SPEAKER_03 54:59

Exactly. Um, Nicole, before you go, don't you have some kind of sale or something going on or some kind of I do.

SPEAKER_00 55:08

There's a Mother's Day sale going on. Um, right now I think it's so it's you buy two of the anything but basic, get one free, my best seller. Underwear for people with ostomies. Women on women ostomy underwear. And I also have um, there's some other kind of deal. If you go to my website at ostomyinnovations222.com, you can check that sale out.

SPEAKER_03 55:32

And the uh the website address will also be in the description under this video. And if you're interested in getting some free resources specifically around intimacy after ostomy, I've got an intimacy after ostomy guide for people with ostomies. I've got a partner guide so you can share it with your partner. It's right on my Wednesday. Hey, I actually did that. Yeah, you should. You should download it. And uh, and there's also a couple of other free resources, so please go to my website and check them out, intimateostomate.com. Until next week. Bye y'all.