The Impact of Porn on Intimacy After Surgery

Porn. Fantasy. Desire. Addiction. Emotional intimacy. This episode goes way deeper than “porn bad” takes.

In this honest conversation, Trina Ricketts and Nicole Richards unpack how porn culture may be shaping real-life intimacy, relationships, attraction, confidence, and expectations around sex, especially for people navigating disability, ostomies, surgery, body image, and emotional vulnerability.

From erectile dysfunction and emotional disconnection to unrealistic expectations and online entitlement culture, this episode explores the growing gap between performance-based sexuality and genuine human connection.

Trina also shares her unique perspective from years in the adult entertainment industry, while both hosts discuss:

●      porn and reward centers in the brain

●      intimacy versus performance

●      emotional connection during sex

●      desensitization and compulsive scrolling

●      “nofap” communities

●      consent and entitlement culture

●      fetishization within disability and ostomy communities

●      why awkwardness in real intimacy is normal

●      the difference between fantasy and connection

This is not a shame-based conversation. It’s a nuanced discussion about awareness, moderation, consent, emotional safety, and what healthy intimacy actually looks like in the real world.

📌 Connect With Us
Trina Ricketts – The Intimate Ostomate
Website: intimateostomate.com
Instagram:   / intimateostomate 
Youtube:    / @intimateostomate 
Books, guides, coaching & resources
Coaching • Books / Guides • Resources • Intimacy Advocacy

Nicole Richards - Ostomy Innovations
Website: ostomyinnovations222.com
Instagram:   / ostomyinnovations 
Youtube:    / @ostomyinnovations222 
Coaching • Wellness • Disability advocacy • Ostomy Clothing

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You do know that porn sex isn't real, right? Most women don't want to be pounded for long periods of time. Most women don't want to choke on a you know what. Most women aren't interested in being called mummy by their lover. I mean, no disrespect to people with fetishes. They can be fun and they can even spice up a relationship sometimes. Fetishes are out of control these days, and I think it is because people are watching too much porn. And you know what happens. Too much porn, erectile dysfunction, inability to climax, boredom when it comes to real-life sexual encounters, a need for more and more deviant porn because you become desensitized to the vanilla stuff. Lots of people like to say that porn is harmless, but I believe the thousands of people in the world who have confessed that their porn use has had disastrous effects on their relationships and their sexual abilities. It also leads to not very good sex because your partner is not a porn star putting on a show for a camera.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Oh my gosh, that was funny. My name is Nicole, and I am your co-host, and you have your lovely Trina Ricketts as the other co-host. And today we are going to be talking about how porn, yes, you're right, you heard us right, porn impacts real life intimacy. And we're discussing this today because Trina recently had a video that went um semi-viral with about 18,000 views on this subject. And we decided that this would be a great subject to bring to the front, to the forefront.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Yeah, so this is this whole thing, the video, it only went viral on TikTok, uh, not on my other platforms, but for some reason I've had a lot of new followers because of it. And I didn't expect it to have such a huge response, but it's pretty, pretty interesting. And I'm excited to hear what people's comments will be under this video about their impression of it, especially after we discuss it. Um I come from such a unique perspective because I worked in the adult entertainment industry. I literally used to have an OnlyFans. I literally was an exotic dancer for years. I have tons of friends who work in adult film independently and um in studios and uh through agencies and whatnot. So I know a little bit about the industry from that perspective. And I had always truly believed that porn was just not that it would not impact people in any way. It was just like something that would help people enjoy themselves intimately, you know. I never had a bad impression of porn, did you, Nicole?

SPEAKER_00 3:08

No, and so that that was funny you mentioned that because I always been told too that I don't want to be told, but my impression was that people did use it for that uh pre sexual encounters, right? Or maybe to get excited with your partner. Um so yeah, that's that was my impression of it at at all the time. And and recently, I think now with social media, we're coming to understand that really it's not that important anymore. And it's really about now the connection because it's causing problems.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Yeah, social media in general, and porn is so similar to social media because there's this constant scrolling, constant instant reaction, clickbait, and the uh endorphins that are released every time you you get a hit, you know, especially with porn. And I I'll talk a little bit about uh about porn and how it affects our reward centers. But um, for me, I used to have like a lot of friends who who would argue that porn is completely harmless. It doesn't impact anyone in a negative way. And I totally thought that for years. And it wasn't until I had an intimacy coaching client who told me that porn was impacting him in a very bad way. And this man was quite young, a lot younger than most of my male clients, and he was struggling with uh meeting a woman, feeling confident to get out and even talk to women. Uh, he was watching too much porn and he was finding it was affecting his erections and his desire. And it it made it actually made him feel less confident in the bedroom rather than more.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Yeah. Yeah, because he's already preparing himself for something.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Yeah, like that's what I think a lot of the young men probably are thinking, you know. Uh women too, but I think mostly men, it's it's more of an um issue with men. Uh that they they like, well, if I watch porn, then I'll know how people have sex, and and then they go into the bedroom and they want to have sex, like they watch all porn. And anyone our age, we know because it was kind of common knowledge, I thought when I was growing up, that porn is not reflective of real sex.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

At least I thought that.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

I I don't know. Like, I so my experience with porn was my friends and I, actually, one friend in particular, we were rummaging through my parents' room and we found I don't know why what we were doing, but we found porn videos and she was like, she wanted to watch them. And I'm like, okay. So we watched them many, many times. And I know, I have no idea. So I feel like my idea was probably that it should have been somewhat kind of like that. Like I didn't, I guess I didn't really know. Um, and and some I think my view got a little swayed from just those experiences.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

That is very interesting.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

Because as I was becoming an adult um in the beginning, like very, very young age, but I was with the father of my kids. He was my first, and then he was like the person I was with for years after that. And I must admit, I encouraged him to also watch porn. Like I was like, we need to watch like, and that was only that was the only time period of my life that I did, but I did feel that way, and I think it was those impressionable years before even having sex of thinking, oh, this is what sex is.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

This is how it's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

I'm supposed to have my hair pulled and I'm supposed to go, yeah, oh yeah, really lovely like scream. Or like um multiple partners, like, or like not multiple, like that's we weren't doing that, but like thinking about, or like other women involved, like threesome and that kind of thing. I mean, I think that that's what I was thinking, and that's funny.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

You know, that's so interesting that you say that because I look back at my kind of formative experiences of how I learned what sex was, and I learned it from reading my mom's romance books.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Really?

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Well, that's I was like I was like 12 years old, and I the paid you if you pick the book off the shelf, it would just open straight to the sex scenes because I read them so much, just like you, with your movies. And so, and so they're like very sensual, erotic scenes, and there's all this you know connection going on because these books are written by women, and so I had the sense that it it was supposed to be this very sensual thing, and and the man was always very dominant, and maybe that's why I like that.

SPEAKER_00 7:53

Yeah, well, but then I mean I feel like your version of learning was probably better than my version of learning, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Porn way better, fiction, erotic fiction.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Right, because it's from a female perspective where I can imagine porn is from a straight male perspective, I would assume.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

Yeah, I think a lot of it is, most of it. There is female-centered porn out there, and there is more like ethical porn out there, but it's hard to find. And uh you have to know what you're looking for, like know the right search words and be really intentional. You don't just go straight to Pornhub and look for your favorite search words, you know. Um, we won't share our favorite search words, right, Nicole?

SPEAKER_00 8:36

So, well, no, okay, so uh I'm glad you say this because you know, I've I've been living nomadically for how many years? And I meet so many people from so many different walks of life. And I was working somewhere and I remember someone mentioning to me talking about watching porn on her phone, a female. And I was, she's like, Well, you know, like I'm sure you watched. I'm like, no, I have no idea. Like, I honestly I don't, I don't know the last time I ever even watched porn or looked up porn or any of that. Like, I just I don't feel I I think maybe it's where I'm at in my spirituality, is like I know that that's bringing in um darker energies that I don't need in my life. Yeah, I I feel like um it's just something that I don't need in my life. Like if you focus, it's it's like what you focus on grows. And like because I've been celibate for so long, like why would I feel the need to seek somebody out just for that experience? Because I know bringing porn into my life would probably make me feel like I need to immediately have sex.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Oh, oh, I never thought of that. So it might make you too horny, it might make you want to go out and do it with someone when you're maybe ready.

SPEAKER_00 9:52

With a rando, and I don't want to.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

With a rando. Well, okay, so we porn is just to help you get there a little faster.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

I guess maybe, but I I like it's okay, it's like watching scary movies, like or watching the murder shows, right? Yeah, I don't need to.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

But I really like orgasms.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Well, right, me too. But like, I've like, I don't know. I just feel like the longer I go without, um, the more special that it is when the time's right. Like, okay, in the beginning, one of our first episodes was the neighbor guy, right? The the the rich dude that was like hitting on me. And I look back now and I'm like, I'm so glad that it didn't happen. Even though like it opened my mind up to the fact that like I'm desirable again and made me want to start dating again. But but so it was necessary, it was necessary, but I didn't go there. And I feel had I have been watching Pornor this time, I probably would have, you know? Probably.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Maybe. I mean, it depends on what you like to watch. Like, like my favorite is by the way, it's just one man by himself taking care of his own needs. That's my favorite to watch personally. And I don't I don't find that um that it makes me want to have sex or that it makes me um feel bad or anything. Like it just I it's and I hardly ever really do watch porn. I think w less women are really into porn than men, I think, because men are so visually aroused, they're very visual creatures, whereas women we're we're more like fantasy based. And so we can use our imagination more, I think, than a lot of men. I do encourage men to learn to use their imagination because that is better than watching too much porn, and that's the problem. I think a little bit of porn here and there isn't gonna hurt people, just like a little bit of drinking here and there or a little bit of anything.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

But yeah, it what's the problem is is these young men, especially, but any age, right? But just scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, they don't leave their apartment anymore. They've replaced real life intimacy with something that's safe and they'll never be rejected. And when we were growing up, we always had guys coming on to us. Like there was, you know, because we lived in a world where we didn't have any internet or social media or technology. And so we we had to get out to do stuff if we wanted to interact with people.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

Well, that's funny you say that because I've but like when you're scrolling on you, I mean I scroll on YouTube, that's my thing, but there's a lot of videos from men who said that they are not approaching women any like they're just not, and and you're right, maybe it's because of that.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

I I'm sure that porn plays a role because they're yeah, they instead of trying to seek real life intimacy. And yeah, this is what my coaching client brought to my attention. And at the time I was like, really? And he was like, Yeah, he says there's whole communities online everywhere called no fap, N-O-F-A-F-A-P, no fap communities, where they encourage each other to completely give up on porn and even masturbating altogether so that they can do like a reset. Yeah. And be able to come back and have more fulfilling relationships, actually be able to engage in intimacy.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

I think yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

So that's this is what they're finding out. Like what I said in the uh TikTok, like uh I actually ended up because of this client buying and reading a book called Your Brain on Porn, I believe that was the name of it. And it talks about how your reward centers in your brain light up when you're watching porn. And it's also combined with the reward of a climax because most people, when they're watching porn, are also masturbating. And so you have all these reward centers going off, it becomes linked and it becomes an addiction. And it becomes such an addiction that it they can't go a day without, and then they'll start spending longer and longer periods looking at porn, and it'll be sucking the life out of them, really.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

There was a movie like that recently, and it was a a younger boy who was watching porn and masturbating all the time, and it just became more and more and more. And then he finally met this girl that he and he was gonna be intimate with her, but he couldn't even get it up because he had nothing like he his arousal factor was like gone, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

Compromised. Yeah, um, I think like the movie you watched is very like somebody wrote that because it happened to that. Yeah, and it's so much more common than we believe. And that's why when I know people like in the adult entertainment community who are like porn is harmless, you know. I saw this this meme a long time. There was um someone holding a sign, it said porn harms, and then someone stood next to him holding a sign, my wrist.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

What? I don't get it.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Porn harms my wrist.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

Oh, I get it. Okay, now I get it. Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

Is YouTube gonna censor me because I did that action?

SPEAKER_00 15:04

You know, I'm actually surprised. Like a lot of our stuff has not, like, nothing's been censored yet.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

Yeah, maybe because we're not that popular yet.

SPEAKER_00 15:11

True, there's that too.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Who knows?

SPEAKER_00 15:14

But still, like they catch stuff pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

Oh, yeah. Like I posted some videos about my vaccine injury years ago on YouTube, and they just kind of sat there for years, and then all of a sudden one day they're like, This uh is breaking our community guidelines, and it just like shut off, and I couldn't post anything like it again.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Yeah, so that's very yeah. I'm glad we're careful, but then at the same time, like, you know, stuff talk about things, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:41

I mean, what's the point?

SPEAKER_00 15:43

Censorship is not cool either. Yeah. Um, yeah, I I can see where I can see where this is causing I I could totally see where this is causing problems. Then I get like like you said, everything in increments, everything in moderation. But I also see where people don't have the self-control to keep the moderation the you know going. It's an addiction.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

Yeah, the other thing is they think that that's the way to have sex, like I said in my video. And so then when they're actually having sex with someone, they're treating her like she's a porn victim. I say porn victim because I don't want to be the victim of someone treating me like a porn star. Yeah, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 16:23

Like it desensitizes it, and you know, we uh you said too, you said women need to think we're watching porn a lot, right? According to a few people I've asked after the conversation I had with this girl, it sounds like a lot of women actually watch porn. I did not, I I mean, according to her, and according to these few people I've asked, yeah, they all say that it was yes, we watch it and it's normal.

SPEAKER_01 16:47

Apparently, there are women in these no fat communities, like they're they're a minority, but it can happen to women too. I think we're just less likely because we're not as visually stimulated as men. And you know, like I I didn't buy pornographic magazines growing up, but I saw them in the bathroom, they were my dad's, or I had boyfriends I dated who had them, but I never had them and I didn't know any women who had them.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is it's do you do you think that um do you think that it's well obviously it's more men than women?

SPEAKER_01 17:22

I think women are watching porn, but I don't think they're getting addicted to it. And I don't think they're like watching it like like uh what's the word where you compulsively, you know.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

Okay, yeah, yeah, where you start to like shut off society and stay home and watch porn all day.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

Yeah, and then when you get in the bedroom, if you've been watching like a lot of you know porn sex, then you think that's how you want to do it and the person your partner's not having fun, it's not fun for them, and also you don't have that intimate emotional connection that makes sex really good, yeah, you know, and I and that's a huge thing I find in my coaching business is a lot of people, perfectly wonderful, good people, don't know what intimate sexual encounters are. They don't know what it is or how to make it happen. And to me, it's like that's the only kind of intimacy I want to have.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

Same, same. Do you think that too? You know, I remember I don't know what porn's, like I said, I have it's been a long time.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

I should have made you watch it for just for homework.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

I'm I might Pornhub. I mean, I only learned what Pornhub was a couple years ago. I have no idea. Anyways, um do you have to pay for it? Is it free?

SPEAKER_01 18:42

No, you don't. It's free, so like anybody can go on. And you just and there used to be no um, there used to be nothing stopping you from just seeing it. I think now they have like a you have to like click I'm over 18.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Oh my gosh, that's horrible. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Well, okay, so very accessible. As a mother, I don't agree with that. I don't.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

No, no, absolutely not. But well, they're so worried about banning TikTok, but yet you can just go access porn.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Anyways, whatever. Um, this is why we have the problems we have today. But but what I was gonna say, that's a whole other episode. But what I was gonna say is do you also think that okay, so the storylines I know in porn used to be so weird, like the plumber came over to fix something, and all of a sudden there's massive orgy going on in the picture? I mean, it's kinda everybody's involved, the neighbors are neighbors are Nicole.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

You've never had a fantasy about a guy coming to work on something in your house.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Okay, so so that's my question. Not really, no, but my my my question is is do you think that also just not even just like the sex part, but the storylines behind the sex part are playing into people's subconscious as well, thinking, oh, I'm just like I'm all of a sudden like she's coming on to me, and it's like, no, she's not coming on to you, she's just saying hello to you. You're not just gonna start screwing behind the tree, you're getting lost in the woods together. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

I think I mean I haven't watched enough porn to really be educated on that and how that might impact people, but in my experience, it's very obvious that they're coming on to you. It's very, it's not like, oh, hello, Mr. Plumber Guy, and then they go at it.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

I don't know. I feel like I'm a little naive sometimes whether people are hitting on me or not. I'm like, I'm just being friendly, but are you?

SPEAKER_01 20:41

But in porn's, it's not pretty clear. It's like, hey, sexy, what you got there in your pants?

SPEAKER_00 20:49

True, but the storylines behind like leading up to it are like walk in the room, all of a sudden the lights go out.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

And then all of a sudden they're just hammering each other, you know?

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Yeah, that's true. Who knows? I that's a really good question. I'd love to to know if that impacts people's view of how to flirt. Yeah.

unknown 21:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

What constitutes flirting, what constitutes being hit on. I know from experience that a lot of men have thought I was hitting on them when I was not.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

Same. Same. Yes, same. Like if I'm gonna hit on you, you're gonna know I'm hitting on you.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

But if I'm not, like I'm just friendly, I'm so friendly. And honestly, like I I want to hug everybody.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

Yes, I I was not a hugger until recently. But yeah, me too. Like I get yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

I just I have to stop myself from touching people when I talk to them. I always want to like put my hand on their arm or give them a hug, or yeah, I have to stop myself because consent matters. Yeah, yes, you know, and so I think that energy though, people feel it and they take it as I'm coming on to them or I'm interested in them sexually, maybe, or Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

I do run into that. And now you're making me wonder is it because they watch porn?

SPEAKER_00 22:00

That's just it. They maybe have some weird fantasy built up from like the storyline behind it, right? I mean, you just don't know.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

Must be like a red, curly haired porn star out there.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Right, right. There probably is. There probably is. Remember, it was like Debbie does Dallas or something? Wasn't that funny?

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Oh yeah, I can't remember what she looked like. Did she have curly hair?

SPEAKER_00 22:19

I don't remember. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

We're gonna have to look that up.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

Yeah. When we get done, you're gonna start Googling red-haired porn stars.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

Yeah, exactly. I'll just go to chat. Find me red curly haired porn stars, ASAM.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

All of a sudden, like a picture like you pops up. You're like, oh great. This is what they've been thinking. That's funny. Yeah, no, I mean, I I do agree that it's there's an issue, but like how do you fix an issue like this when it's so common? You just don't have to go to a store anymore and rent a video or buy a video or buy a magazine anymore. Like it's like I love technology. I love where we're at with tech with being able to be more connected with people, but then it's things like this that make me question that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 23:12

Um, you know, then we didn't even really talk about like the darker sides of the porn industry, which I don't have any experience with. The people that I know are all cons adult consensually involved in what they're doing, but there is a darker side where people can be severely harmed or that they're non-consensual, right? And abuse and children and yeah, I bet there's a lot of animals. I mean, God, like it's it's disgusting.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Yeah, I'm sure it's pretty bad, and we don't know because you know, we're not gonna flip to that dark side of the web or anything, but being that it exists, it's just I I I guess I don't understand because we have so much control over some things. Why do we not have control over this?

SPEAKER_01 23:59

And even if it's I mean it would be a simple thing just to require a paywall. That's it. Yeah, that's all they would need to do because you'd have to have a credit card, there would be a paper trail, you'd have your name attached to it.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 24:12

Well, and that this goes back to like how you and I talk about some of these darker like conspiracy things, you know, sometimes. And I sometimes I just have to wonder if that's if this is another one of those we leave it open because it may create division and oh no, they have other plans for it.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

They want to put you know how eventually, if we go on a conspiracy theory here, eventually they want to have facial recognition recognition technology on like almost anything people might want to access so that the government can actually surveil and track every single thing we do. And they're using the adult entertainment industry as like their guinea pig to do that. So instead of just creating a paywall, they're going to be doing facial recognition, at least in Canada. This is something that they're proposing facial recognition so that and so that they could assess whether it's a child or an adult who are signing in, and then you have to verify your identity and all this stuff. And it's just yeah, I I mean, I don't know how it's going to fall like how it's actually gonna happen or what's gonna happen. There are people trying to fight it because they recognize that this is this they're using it to save children. Um, that's the reason. They're yes, maybe not, maybe not, even though there's other ways that they could do it that wouldn't be as invasive, you know.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:37

And yeah, so but like this is the thing, like this is the age-old argument to having come from the adult entertainment industry of what is what is adult and consensual, and we just let people do what they want to do when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, yeah, versus what about the people who are being harmed by it? And right.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Well, it's just like prostitution, right? I mean, if two adults, if two adults consensually want to pay one another or the other, one, um, to me, it's not my business.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

No, if you can do it for free, then why can't you do it for money? And it's not just for money, they do it for they trade it for groceries, they trade it for a place to sleep, they trade it for uh drugs, they trade it for whatever it is that they need, depending on the person, um, or money, and it's a job. And a lot of people who are in the adult entertainment industry, whether they're working in adult film or they're sex workers or exotic dancers or whatever they're doing, they're they're actually just entrepreneurs. They're running a business and they're actually really good at running businesses, and it's amazing. Um, totally competent people. And so people, but but then there's people who are being trafficked, people who are being exploited, people who are underage, um, you know, people who and then there's also people posing as sex workers who are being predators towards people wanting to purchase the services of sex workers. Right. So there's there's harm being done that way. And and then people never talk about male sex workers or talk about the men who are in adult film. Like they always just assume, oh, there are no male sex workers and the men in adult film, lucky guys. You know, there's just the the whole conversation is very stereotypical instead of looking at these are human beings, right? You know, and the difference between consent and non-consent. It's a big difference, you know.

SPEAKER_00 27:33

Yeah, it's almost it almost makes me wonder if there was more openness around some of the things, maybe there wouldn't be so much other people, innocent people taking advantage of.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

I don't know, but I know everybody has different fetishes and things that turn them on, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

Well, I think, yeah, I think like the more open we are, because this is this is what happens. Somebody with a kink comes across a website where it appears that children are being harmed or something is going on, and they can't report it because then they looked at it. They looked at it, they followed the link, they did whatever they did. Um, I'm not saying that they purposely went to look at child child porn. If they did, I would hope they would be caught and put in jail.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Right.

SPEAKER_01 28:23

But if they just came across something where they thought someone's being exploited, this doesn't feel right, this doesn't seem right, yeah. Just for the shame of admitting that they were looking at porn.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

Um they may be married or you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

And also because like a lot of people are scared of the underground industries. Like they could be violent, the people could be violent if they report them, they get their name, or they gotta be targeted. And yeah, because you don't, especially if you're not into the industry. Like I remember when I first became an exotic dancer, I had something happen to me in one of the clubs, and I never told anyone because I thought that the clubs were all run by organized criminals, and I just didn't I didn't want to, I just wanted to go to work and leave, and I don't want to cause any drama. But I found out later because I was in the industry for a long time, that that was just silly of me, and that if I would have uh reported the incident, the person would have immediately been fired and and um it would have gone in a good way for me. But because I had stereotypical beliefs about the industry, I was too scared to uh say anything. So yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I think like you do people don't know, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:30

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's there's it's just seems like there's no way to control any of it, and it's just like it's a like like everything else that goes on, you know, there's gonna be the illegal side, there's gonna be the legal side of it, and um it's all really boils down to knowing your self-control and knowing that it like any addiction, right? Like drinking or even drugs, like if you know you have an issue with porn then and you want to engage in a healthy relationship, you know, and especially when we're talking about people like you and I who have had um ostomies or pelvic floor issues or all the abdominal surgeries, like even more of a reason why, like if your partner is watching or doing these things or thinking that this is normal, like that's not how you're gonna treat somebody like you or I. It's just not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

Um apparently there's even ostomy porn.

SPEAKER_00 30:27

You know what? I just heard this recently in the I have heard it.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

I even had someone ask me about it, like, hey, because I was used to be an adult entertainer. Do you do this kind of? I was like, I didn't even know people did that.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

Neither did I, but I actually only knew recently or not recently, um, a few actually maybe five, six years ago, I was working and I was um because I did law enforcement training and I've worked in police departments and I was I learned new things about you all the time. Yeah, I did I had law enforcement training, anyways. Um, so I was but I was done. I was out of that after a while, and um I was working in a restaurant and uh uh someone I went to school with came in with his girlfriend. We were sitting there chatting, and he was now working in corrections uh or as a sheriff, sheriff in the jail setting. And he was telling me about a man who had an ostomy who was a letting other gentleman.

SPEAKER_01 31:20

I know. It just wants makes me want to cry. That just can't be good for you. That can't be safe. I cannot be good.

SPEAKER_00 31:30

I mean, it shook my world. Like just when you think you've heard everything, you hear something new, that was one of them. Um and then recently in our Facebook group, somebody had posted um in Austin Body Positive, somebody posted about that there is some kind of groups out there or something. But there's it's one gentleman, I guess, who's been banned from a lot of the groups because he specifically will ask for um photos of people's stomas. But he's a lot of people. He probably doesn't even have anostomy. Probably not. Probably not.

SPEAKER_01 32:05

See what I mean though? But that is the kind of world we're living in now.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

It's strange, it's very strange.

SPEAKER_01 32:09

It is, it is strange. It's also strange that people feel entitled to go around asking people for pictures of them.

SPEAKER_00 32:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

Because that happens to me too. I have I've had no one's asked me for pictures of my stoma, but people have just asked me for naked pictures of me.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

From our from the Facebook groups and stuff? Yeah. So glad you mentioned this. Thank you for mentioning this. About a month ago, I posted in the Facebook group because a a young woman who was clearly had some some some disabilities going on, posted a picture and she had like three men reach out to her. She said were obviously married. She did not want to give me their names, probably for the same thing that you just talked about. The fear of someone saying something to her. They were married, men. And I posted a little rant about how you don't ask for you. First of all, we're not supposed to be messaging people in the group privately. Secondly, you're asking for pictures or saying sexual things to somebody who's recently posted and said, I'm posting for the first time and showing my awesome back. Ooh, girl. I I said some stuff and I used some exclamation points, and I had another member of the group call me out just for using exclamation points to show how upset I was about.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

They called you out?

SPEAKER_00 33:35

They totally called me out on it.

SPEAKER_01 33:37

Like how? Like saying you shouldn't have?

SPEAKER_00 33:39

Yeah, because the I should I should not be putting this in front of everybody. I should be reaching out to the people privately on my own group.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

No, you need everyone to know in that group.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

We need everybody to know that you cannot do this. You can't do that.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

I wrote a post in my group too, the Intimacy After Ostmy group on Facebook.

SPEAKER_00 33:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

Uh saying no private messaging because our group isn't a dating group. No. I said if you want to private message someone, ask them in the group for permission.

SPEAKER_00 34:05

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

You know, if you're talking and you think you have like a connection or someone says, I'm single, and blah, blah, blah, and you're single, yes, ask them. Say, hey, you're single too. Can I send you a private message? Yeah. Yes. You know, none of us are gonna judge you.

unknown 34:18

Right.

SPEAKER_01 34:18

But if you're not willing to show do that publicly, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it at all because maybe you're in a relationship or maybe you're married.

SPEAKER_00 34:25

And that's what it is, just like you said. So yeah, it's um it's an interesting, it's an interesting world. Technology's making life interesting, but also scary and creating it some entitlement, it seems like.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

Like I wonder if that's part of the porn thing, the whole whole porn culture, too, is creating this entitlement that they could you can go around and ask women for naked pictures of them, or or even just reaching out to women that you don't know and saying inappropriate sexual things. It happens to me a lot because I'm an intimacy coach. Um people often t want to tell me they're kinks and their fantasies of different things, and I think they're trying to get like a reaction out of me.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Um to me, it just shows me that they're not they're not my ideal coaching client. That's true. Yeah, that's true, but it's just it's not fair for you to put yourself out there as like, hey, this is what I do, because this is what I do, does not mean X, Y, and Z.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:33

You know, I am not your dumping ground for whatever you're thinking.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

It's hard, right? Because on one hand, I don't want to like kink shame anybody, because that could be part of what they the reason they're they're reaching out, because it's uh something they're ashamed of. You know, I had a client who felt ashamed of his a desire to be an exhibitionist. Um, and we'd explored that, and a lot of it was because he just didn't feel like he had a lot of control over his body, and when he was able to present his body in a sexual way the way he wanted to present it, it felt empowering for him after all the medicalization and the desexualization that we all go through. And I could relate, I post pictures of me in lingerie all the time because I feel empowered by it. Yeah. You know, and so, but because he was a man, and that's not yeah, and so now we're going to the other way where it's socially acceptable for women to post these kinds of pictures, but not for men. Um, and so he was experiencing shame for it. So there's it's it's actually quite a complex topic, really. And and you don't know when a person is reaching when I don't know when a person's reaching out to me, I don't know right away whether it's because they're it's something they might want to explore coaching, or if it's just them trying to get their rocks off, you know.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

Right. Exactly. So that's that's the challenge for you. That makes yeah, that's that's hard, that's difficult.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

It is pretty good after a few exchanges at telling, and and then I just don't pursue a coaching relationship with um with those people because that's not what they're looking for.

SPEAKER_00 37:07

Yeah, it's if it's not aligned, it's not aligned. No, it's not.

SPEAKER_01 37:11

But yeah, I do it is kind of like annoying. And if I wasn't an intimacy coach, I think it would irritate the fuck out of me.

SPEAKER_00 37:18

It would, I would be, there's no way. I mean, I would be, I think because I'm the admin of those the two big those two big groups, like I don't I they know better, right? Like not not because they should, not because they just know they're gonna get like I have the power to be like click, yeah, boom, bye, you're out. Your toast. Your toast, peace. So I'm glad for that. But I if I was in years, yeah, I I wouldn't be able to hand I wouldn't, I wouldn't. I'd no, I'd be when I found out other people are having that issue, it's like mama bearing.

SPEAKER_01 37:53

Yeah, I yeah, I could see that. I would I would be upset if I knew it about that happening too, especially like a younger woman who posted her bag for the first time. Like that's so inconsiderate.

SPEAKER_00 38:05

Yeah, because now who is how is she?

SPEAKER_01 38:07

And like and they were probably like way older than her, I bet, too. That's always just shocks me how these like much, much older men will like prey on these younger women. Entitlement. Entitlement. And so we went from talking about porn to talking about men.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Well, I mean, it's all kind of the same nature, right? I mean, we're all like sex is sex is sex, and sex is like a human nature, and you know, we can't avoid the topic. Um, even you know, we're gonna have to get deeper in Off Me Body Positive, talking about some sex related issues uh very soon here. And I just think that you know, a lot of a lot of people kind of dance around the issue of going very deep into discussing, like you talk about some of these things that are deeper, deeper, deeper, and they need to be discussed.

SPEAKER_01 39:00

Yeah. Well, because I mean, like I don't know about you, but I wanted to know the things that I talk about, I wanted to know those things.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

And I couldn't find information on most of it. Anything to do with ostomies.

SPEAKER_00 39:12

Yeah. You know, if we don't talk about it, the people aren't gonna know. And and here's the thing like us talking right now about these weird fantasies about the stomas, right? Like if this conversation may help a young woman who gets asked by some somebody or a gentleman who gets asked by somebody to send them stoma pick and they don't know what's actually happening. So awareness over all this stuff is key. So we have to keep talking about the things that we're encountering as coaches, as advocates, as admins of these Facebook groups. It's important. So yeah, we're doing I think we're doing our due diligence, due diligence.

SPEAKER_01 39:51

I agree. I think it I'm really glad you actually brought that up because I had no idea that that was happening. I knew there was stoma porn because I heard about it and someone asked me about it, but I did not know that people are going around and asking in the groups for stoma picks. That has not happened to me.

SPEAKER_00 40:08

It is, yes. Better not.

SPEAKER_01 40:11

That person will be blocked and reported so fast because, like, seriously, like, leave my stoma alone. That's like sending me a message and asking me to see my vagina.

SPEAKER_00 40:22

It is, it's almost the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 40:24

It's actually worse to me because it's like, I don't know, like, don't sexualize my stoma. Like my vagina. Okay, I understand sexualizing that, but do not sexualize my stoma.

SPEAKER_00 40:34

Right, right. That is a that is an exit only, okay?

SPEAKER_01 40:46

Because I don't have a butt anymore. That's why I'm laughing so hard.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

I'm laughing because you're laughing.

SPEAKER_01 40:54

Oh my god, because I used to when I had a butthole. I actually um I actually was not it was not just exit only completely. I had I allowed a little bit of play because I actually enjoyed that um before I started having issues back there. But um, but now it's definitely an exit only.

SPEAKER_00 41:14

It's um there's a nothing actually. Yeah. Well, this is good. I think um, yeah, we may have gone in a we may have veered off a little bit, but I think it's all necessary because um, like I said, awareness is key and somebody has to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 41:31

Yeah, and the whole thing with porn, like the like the movie you saw, for instance, and the things that I mentioned in the video. And if you ever read the book, Your Brain on Porn, uh, how it affects sexual function, how you go into a bedroom with a real person, and it's not as exciting because it's not like porn sex and you know, and it's not even just the idea that it's not porn sex, but you know, when when women, especially when you're first getting with a woman, or probably a man experiences this too, but like you're just getting comfortable with that person.

SPEAKER_00 42:02

So the first one or two times isn't going to be super erotic, or you know, it sometimes it takes a little time to get to that place. So that's very true.

SPEAKER_01 42:11

So yeah, so it can be really awkward often the very first time that you make love to someone, you know. Yeah, the first time you kiss or the first time you have sex can be awkward because you're new, you know, you both turn your head the same way at the same time or whatever. It's just gonna it's just because you're still getting to know each other, then when you get into rhythm with each other's body, that awkwardness will go away. But at first it's not there. And and and treating your partner like they're in a porn is not going to that's gonna make it more awkward and just enjoyable. And I think if people are having problems with like erections or um feeling desire for a real intimate relationship or struggling to, you know, make friends with or asking themselves if they're watching too much porn, those are the people that I hope after watching this will will do some research to see if it is impacting them. Because if it if they could just stop watching porn, and for some people who are addicted, that would be hard, very difficult. But I think that it can affect people he who even don't consider themselves addicted, who who will go like a month here, a month there, but then they'll go hard for a while on the on the porn. Right. Um, I think that can affect people too. So if anyone is having their own situations, now they can say, Wow, I never thought it might be from how much porn I'm watching.

SPEAKER_00 43:33

Yes, yes. Yeah, that's that awareness piece. I love it. Doing great things, Trina.

SPEAKER_01 43:40

Thank you. I'm glad we talked about this today.

SPEAKER_00 43:42

Me too, me too.

SPEAKER_01 43:44

Because I love sex. Okay, and I love apples entertainers.

SPEAKER_00 43:52

Yeah, yeah. There's nothing wrong with it, there's nothing wrong with it to each their own. Yeah.

unknown 43:59

Well.

SPEAKER_00 44:00

That wraps up this episode of Rewired and Desired. And next week, we don't know what our topic is yet, but we will figure it out in the next few days.

SPEAKER_01 44:10

Yeah, we will. Have a great week, everybody.