The Truth About Female Pleasure

Most people were never taught what actually creates female pleasure.

In this episode of Rewired and Desired, we have an honest conversation about why many women lose interest in intimacy, why penetration is often treated as the goal, and what actually creates connection, desire, and pleasure.

As an intimacy coach working with people after illness, disability, and body-altering surgery, Trina hears the same fears over and over from both men and women. Nicole shares how her own health journey changed the way she thinks about intimacy, while together we explore emotional connection, communication, body confidence, foreplay, pelvic health, erectile dysfunction, aging, and why great intimacy is about far more than performance.

Whether you're navigating disability, long-term relationships, menopause, pelvic pain, erectile dysfunction, or simply want a healthier perspective on intimacy, this conversation offers practical ideas without shame or unrealistic expectations.

📌 Connect With Us
Trina Ricketts – The Intimate Ostomate
Website: intimateostomate.com
Instagram:   / intimateostomate 
Youtube:    / @intimateostomate 
Books, guides, coaching & resources
Coaching • Books / Guides • Resources • Intimacy Advocacy

Nicole Richards - Ostomy Innovations
Website: ostomyinnovations222.com
Instagram:   / ostomyinnovations 
Youtube:    / @ostomyinnovations222 
Coaching • Wellness • Disability advocacy • Ostomy Clothing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome to Rewired and Desired, where intimacy, mindset, and disability intersect. Today we are going to be talking about the truth about female pleasure. My name is Nicole Richards. I'm your co-host, and I have my lovely co-host, Trina Ricketts, as well. Getting into it. Trina, I'm gonna let you start.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Sure. So the reason Nicole and I decided to talk about this topic is because as an intimacy coach, I have a lot of inquiries that aren't necessarily in my coaching wheelhouse, but I get to really see like what are people struggling with in their intimate lives? And a lot of them are men coming to me saying that their partners, especially their long-term partners, aren't interested in intimacy anymore. And a lot of the time it has nothing to do with the actual intimacy. Okay. Um, a lot of the time it can be like libido, it could be hormones are in flux, um, uh she's too busy, she's too tired. It could be so many things, right? But sometimes, and I don't, I don't coach on this, so I don't talk to anyone about this, uh, but we thought we'd do a podcast about it for that reason. Um, sometimes it's because the men just don't understand what women really enjoy during sex or during intimacy. And a lot of men assume that because it feels so good for them to have penetrative intimacy, and that there's a lot of emphasis from men on it, on the penetration aspect. And I've had countless men uh with erectile dysfunction say almost the exact same words uh all the time, it's the same thing. Um, I I'm worried that I won't be able to satisfy a woman. So they think that to satisfy a woman, they need to have an erect breast aspect and be able to have penetration. Right. And I just disagree. I just disagree. I'm not saying that there aren't women who might prefer to have uh penetration, um, but there are workarounds for those women, number one. Um, and number two, uh for me, it's never been my favorite part of intimacy. In fact, it's been my least favorite part, and I believe that there have been times in my life that I didn't want to have intimacy just because I didn't want penetrative intimacy. Yeah, and and like literally everything to do with intimacy for me is so fun, except where I'm just kind of being entered. I'm trying to say this in a really nice way. Um but like especially because friction um can wear down the lubrication and then it can become painful and you're waiting for that person to finish. It's kind of like the it's the finishing act, um and it it becomes very uh just not about my pleasure in any way, and very focused on the whole penetrative aspect of getting the man to his climax. Yeah. Um, so I think that there's a lot of women out there that if they had great physical intimacy, whether it includes penetration or not, that they would want it again and again and again. Because the better it is, the more you want it. That's just how it is for us women. Yeah. And women uh are actually very different from men in what turns us on and what our what our pleasures are. And I thought maybe it was just me that really is, you know, not that interested in the penetration. But when I talk to other women, a lot of them agree with me. And when I talk to you, you had similar comments.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

So what do you think? Yeah, so I I totally agree with what you're saying. It's it's not only is it just that we don't need it, but there's the mechanical reasons of why we can't sometimes. And it's that pelvic floor dysfunction. Um, it's the it's the you know, scar tissue buildup in some of the issues that we've had. Um it's just the thinning of the vagina walls as we get older, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:20

And less less lubrication.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Right. So there's all these, you know, mechanical reasons as well. And I think at some point in the sexual encounters that there are times that it it is, it feels right that that's the next step. But you're right, some some men, you know, just think that like just going right for it is what we want. But what's missing is that whole precursor to getting there. And women aren't going to, even if if if a woman does want that inner connection, like want you to enter the stimulation, like there needs to more than likely there needs to be a long buildup to it. So I'm reading on Audible, I'm reading a book about tantric sex. And um, I can tell you the name of it um because I want to cite the name of it, so let me get in there. But the premise behind it is that it's not just there doesn't even need to be penetration. There could be multiple ways of achieving not only just intimacy, because we know intimacy isn't even just sex. Intimacy can be meaningful, meaningful conversations and stimulations.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

That's what I was thinking too. Conversation to me is a turn on. Like it's a huge turn on.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

It is, it is, especially when someone's meeting you on the level that you're at, right?

SPEAKER_02 5:57

Um, so many guys just like roll over, turn off the TV or mute it, or don't even mute it and think, hey, baby, let's get it on. Um, you haven't talked to me at all in like a week, except to say, I'll pick up the groceries on the way home or whatever. We haven't had a face-to-face conversation. We haven't like connected emotionally in any way. The TV's on, you stink, I stink. Like, what? No. Yeah. No, thank you. I'm not in the mood.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

Exactly. So um the move, the the book that I'm listening to, it's called The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

And yeah, and and I've I've heard it talked about before, so I finally had to get it in. And I'm reading it kind of listening to it kind of slowly, but but again, it's just it's that point that like there's different ways to achieve it. And now this is going to be a little more eastern, you know, philosophy where we talk about a lot about the breathing, and and that's kind of what it is. It's connecting on this heart breath level with your partner. And it sounds a little, you know, woo, maybe, but um, but it's but it's also, I think just listening to it just makes sense. Like it doesn't have to go as far as their Eastern ph philosophy, but it's the the idea that we don't have like don't it's not just a rush in kind of thing. No, it's a very slow methodical uh process.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

We want breathing is a really good point. Like it is. I when I self-pleasure, my breathing affects like how soon I climax or how long it takes, or sure whether I can even climax at all, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Sure, sure. So yeah, so I think I think it's really like important that we talk about this because it doesn't just affect the female, like you said, it affects the male as well. The male thinks that this is the way it has to be done as well, but like you said, there's plenty of other ways to go around the situation. There's plenty of other ways to get there, you know. And when we're um, especially as ostomates, a lot of men are um affected by some of the erectile dysfunction issues, yeah. And just know that maybe your woman doesn't want it in the first place.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

No, maybe a woman is like would be way happier if you're not trying to do that, yeah, you know, not making it the big focus. Um like especially okay, so if we were to just talk about penetration, there are certain things that will make it more pleasurable for women. Number one, lube. I recently heard a man say that if uh if a woman wasn't wet enough, he wasn't doing his job correctly. And I just cringed. I was like, no, I don't think so. You can be doing your job correctly, she can be very aroused, and she can still need more lube. And I don't care what age you are, maybe it's just me, but since I became sexually active at the teenage years, lube has been my friend. Lube or coconut oil, if I'm with a partner and you know, um, that I don't need to use protection or something. Okay. Um, but that's so important that a lot of guys don't even think about, even just using digital penetration, you know, fingers. Yeah. Don't stick them in a dry vagina. Don't try to force it in to get to the wetness to pull it out. Get it wet first, you know what I mean? And especially in women who are aging, that can tear the vagina and it can hurt. And another thing is a lot of men with you know, long nails. Yeah. Like, like file them down real low so that they don't hurt your your poor woman's precious parts. Like, how many women are saying they don't want intimacy and thinking in their head it's because he hurts me? But they don't want to tell him that because they know that he will be devastated, or they think he will be devastated. I think a lot of women assume that okay, because we don't want someone critiquing our sexual abilities, and so we think they don't want us critiquing theirs, sure, right? But they're not the same as us, right? We feel like, oh my god, they don't like how I'm doing it. They they think, oh, she likes it like that, okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Right. Well, and and as um women, and this is this book actually references this, and now I look back at all the years of my life, how much we think we need to pleasure them. And then then we know, or we think we have to let them inside of us to allow that to be the the whole thing, right? The whole thing. And and what she said in this in this um book that I think is very important is actually the best intimacy and the best sex comes from making sure you're pleasuring yourself first. So thinking of and when I go into this act, what's the best for me? And so the same for him. What is the best for me? So there becomes there could become a little push and pull, but until you know each other's rhythm and what you need, you know, there may be a little bit of that disconnect.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

But that's so interesting. I recently was listening to a podcast, I love sex podcasts and relationship and intimacy podcasts, of course, because I'm always trying to get better at at my uh coaching as well. Um, but this, I think it was Esther Perrell, and she said, you never hear or you never okay, men. What turns men on the most? Almost a hundred percent of men will say the thing that turns me on the most is seeing her turned on. Seeing her aroused is what makes me aroused.

SPEAKER_03 11:38

You know?

SPEAKER_02 11:39

Yeah. Um, and that's why, like a lot of men, if the woman's kind of not into it, they they're like, This sucks. This is so sex. Well, yeah, yeah. They want to see the woman aroused. Okay. But you never hear women saying, Oh, seeing that man aroused makes you aroused. Like ever. Like men could be surrounding us with their erections and it wouldn't turn us on because that's not what it's about to actually. Yeah, yeah. It's a very uh mental game. And so women's pleasure is more focused on our own pleasure. We get aroused based on our own pleasure, our own arousal is what arouses us. Right. And men, it's our arousal. So really it centers if this is true, which I feel I feel like that really resonated with me when I heard her say that.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

I mean, it kind of makes sense when you think about feminine energy.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

So it centers around us, and that's why you know women have so much sensual power. That's why we have the sex industry, the adult entertainment industry. It's not for women, it's right, it's majority for men. Like lots, sure, there are women who uh um enjoy adult entertainment and whatnot. Sure. But it's primarily a man, and it's because women, and this is another thing she said. I think it was in the same podcast. She said, When men watch porn, they're watching the women. When women watch porn, they're watching the women.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

That's true. If even if you think about like strip clubs, you know, um, going to strip clubs, there's some women who like to go see men, but there's a lot of women who like to go see the women. Yeah, yeah. It's gorgeous and it's not because they're that's that's their preferred It's not because they're gay. It's not because they're gay. Like it's just maybe based off of that, right? Right, thinking about ways to be more sensual and to feel more sexy, and you know.

SPEAKER_02 13:29

I also follow this Instagram channel. I can't remember the name of him. I should probably figure it out. Um and put it in the notes.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Let me write that down.

SPEAKER_02 13:38

Good idea. Um so it's a guy who gives advice on how to make love to women, and he says that there is a way to use penetration with the fingers or with the penis, that uh the direction and the way you do it can be very pleasurable for women. And he says it makes women feel like they found their soulmate. Oh, when women have this kind of certain uh physical penetrative intimacy, that's very pleasurable. And to he according to him, it's based on like the way the direction and the thrusting behavior. Okay, how the man does it, and it's the mechanics, isn't it? If he does it this certain way that it can just bring women so much pleasure that it it kind of sends them to the moon where they feel like that was spiritual. Okay. I'm like, wow, that sounds so fascinating. And when he talks about it, I actually got a little bit turned on listening. Uh but I thought, wow, this guy is teaching some really interesting stuff, and I would love to see if he's right. Is his first name Matt?

SPEAKER_00 14:48

I can't remember. Yeah, it might not be. He just I just know he does a lot of intimacy and that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

Yeah. Uh but yeah, so I mean, I've like I I love relationship broadcasts and stuff like that, but I also love like the really kinky kind of sex educators and whatnot that I found find so fascinating.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

Um I find it I find it fascinating in like the spiritual community because I listened to um a Sahara Rose as well. And she's actually someone who had a lot of GI issues, I think maybe even was diagnosed with something GI related. But she talks a lot about intimacy relationships in a spiritual sense and where that comes from. And so I resonate like listening to how she talks about some of that because it's like I think that's also like we said, part of intimacy is also it's not take off, take off the touching and the all the stuff. Like there's a very intimate, you know, level that comes with talking and a very intimate level that comes with connecting on whatever spiritual place you are at in your life.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

I think for women that's so important, that emotional connection. And especially as we get older. Yeah. But even, you know, like that, that's what really keeps us interested, is having that that emotional connection. Like the the most happiest marriages where you can tell that they're absolutely in love, they talk all the time and they look at each other in the in the eyes and they interact. And yeah, you know, that's beautiful. That's if I get in another relationship, that will be a priority to me. Someone who's interesting to talk to, who's always learning new things so that they'll have new things to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

Right, right, right, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

Yeah, like these if men are like want to be the best lovers, one of the things they need to work on is their conversational skills. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

I think conversation, I think, like I said, that the the foreplay, like it just don't go from boom to bada bang. Like you gotta really I just and and and too, I think one of the things too that gets monotonous for maybe a couple is when it's the same way all the time. Like you you become so like, well, this is how we did it last, let's do it again that way, you know. And it's like, no, the changeup needs to happen because that's that's the only way that I think you're gonna keep it exciting too.

SPEAKER_02 17:12

I agree with you a hundred percent. That is so huge. Another thing that I've learned from my research is that women are less monogamous than men mentally, and in the way that we get bored of having into physical intimacy with the same man over and over again. Yeah. And so I think some women are honestly feeling uh less desire for intimacy with their partners because they're just bored, it's too familiar. This can be there's different ways that you can improve that. One way is for the woman to go and get a sensual massage or something like that, you know. Um a lot, a lot of couples aren't maybe not into that, but people who are open-minded about that. Um, or another thing Esther Perel suggests, and I just love her, is this idea of the third. So you could go see a central masseuse, and that's the third you get to someone else's hands on you. Or you could just imagine there's a third. Imagine that someone has been flirting with your husband and wants to take him away from you. Imagine your husband having an affair, not in the way where it makes you feel like jealous or upset, but it turns you on, like turns you on the thought of someone else wanting your man, or the thought of maybe losing your partner to someone else. So bringing in this idea of the third where that makes sense. Yeah, it's like to remind you that your partner could become interested in someone else. Right. Could lose them, you know. Um, going out and being able to like work a room not together and see how other women or other men respond to your partner that can bring back some of your attraction to your partner. So there are ways to I've seen that in movies, that you know.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

Yeah, I've seen that done in movies before where they're like it's part of the the pre-play. Yeah, yeah. They're in like a hotel lobby at the bar and like it's that whole, yeah. I've seen that a few times, I think.

SPEAKER_03 19:08

I think that's a great idea.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

I've never really I've never thought of that as a like a strategy, but like that makes sense, like using it as a strategy to get back some of those feelings, you know.

SPEAKER_02 19:20

Another really cool technique is to uh give each other different names. And so the whole time that you're being intimate, you call each other by these different names.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

So, okay, so I I I'm not asked, I'm not asking you to divulge, divulge if you've ever done this before. Okay, okay, so go ahead and divulge if you've done it before. Okay. Um, but um does it get like okay, so when thinking of like, I don't know, cosplaying in the bedroom, does that get does it get weird at all? Like, does it feel weird at all?

SPEAKER_02 19:55

I mean, you have to be what's the word I'm looking for? You have to be open to it. Like if you're a really jealous person and the the thought that your partner might be saying a real woman's name or a real man's name that they're really attracted to, like in my situation, I was in a relationship where I felt pretty secure. And my partner and I would would actually tell each other what names to use based on who we could tell that each other were attracted to. So we were like giving permission to use names um of people that we knew each other were attracted to. Oh and so it made it even more like because we were like knowing that the each other were into that person. Some people that would make them really jealous.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:40

You know, um for me.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

It has to be something you talk about first. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

Oh yeah, you can't just start doing it in the middle, just start calling them a different name.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

Yeah, I'm calling you somebody else's name. Like, oh, that would be enough for me, like dead in the tracks. It's over.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

Like you don't know who you're with. Oh, I was just trying a new thing. Or they're different name. Yeah. But that is kind of like the idea of the third or the third and the fourth. Okay. Um, where you you're role-playing or you're imagining that there's someone else there. Um, women, we are amazing with our imaginations. We fantasize like incredibly. And our fantasies, like, I don't know about you, but like when I self-pleasure and when I've been in long-term relationships and maybe the intimacy wasn't going so well, there are things that I could think about that would help me get more aroused or that would help me kind of get more to the climax uh point or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 21:37

Do you think men do that too? Because like it's so easy. I know for my past situations that like it's so easy when you are at the at that bored state that your mind starts to kind of like at the state that it shouldn't even be at because it went right where it was not supposed to go, right? Um, but then your mind starts to kind of want. As well about other things. And you're like, why am I thinking about that? I'm doing this. And so I know that men have been known to kind of the think of think about something else purposefully just to not like finish right away. So I don't know if that kind of goes along the same.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

I dated a guy years ago who would like cite baseball statistics like out loud. Oh my gosh. It was really hot, actually. I thought I found it hot.

SPEAKER_02 22:28

Um but yeah, so it's it's like fascinating what people, what kind of strategies people can come up with to cope with their own kind of challenges or whatever that are going on. Yeah. Yeah. But like for instance, like one of um I just recently dropped this new free resource on my website. Uh it's called 10 ways to enjoy intimacy without penetration. Oh, there you go. I know, right? They're all positions. It's very um knotty, but it's it's not pictures, it's words, and it's okay said in it like kind of a medical way so that it's not like x-rated. Uh but it gives people suggestions for positions that they can engage in intimacy without penetration. And one of those things, which even just talking about it, is um is just the tip.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

Okay, so I thought that was always like a a game. Like I thought they pulled you aside, boys aside in school and said, This is how you get in fully by the tip.

SPEAKER_02 23:29

Yeah, well, I know a lot of men use that like to try and persuade a woman, like, yes, just the tip. Can I just you know? Um, but in a in the context of a relationship or a physical intimacy where you do don't or can't have penetration, but you can tolerate just the tip, or women who can tolerate pol penetration, but it's not their favorite, most of us will still really like that entrance of our vagina stimulated. Okay, and that makes sense because it just feels really good in that area.

SPEAKER_00 24:00

Yeah. And that makes sense because of the full in the full impacts could be quite painful at even with having everything in order, it could still be really too impactful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

Yeah. Like this is a myth, right? That women love guys with huge slongs. Like that, uh no, thank you. I think I have about this much distance, maybe if I'm lucky. Great, right? Like, this is too much.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

So yeah, that may I mean that makes sense. Like, right? It can't be.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

And I've talked to men with really long penises, and a lot of them have had to find ways to cope with it where they've learned never to fully insert. Oh, because they can't. Because they don't want to hurt their partners. And it's a it's a a challenge and a barrier for them. So um, and then I know women who only date guys who have small ones because they don't like the pain of penetrative intimacy with guys who have average or above average size penises. Like so, so this myth that all women like a certain kind of penis um is wrong. Yeah, there are women who love them big, and there are women who love them small and women who like them average in the middle. Right. Um, we don't choose our men based on that. We choose them based on our attraction and our comp uh compatibility and sure. And then it's just like I'm falling for this man, therefore I like his penis size.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

Yeah, I think all those other things can go off the side. But yeah, yeah, that makes that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

But in some cases, like in my case, after all my surgeries, having my rectum removed and everything else, like I don't want to be pierced by some kind of huge sword that, especially by someone who doesn't know how to wield it correctly or in a way that is gentle and kind.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

So then what suggestions would you give for a man who's like coming into this and thinking, what do I do first? Like conversation first, is it?

SPEAKER_02 26:08

Well, I think a big thing that men need to remember is that women, our foreplay starts when the last intimate encounter ends. Oh. So the last time so if you are day-to-day being a complainer or critical of your female partner or lazy, not supporting, not helping, not talking. When you talk, you use a condescending tone of voice. Um, if you try to shame her into intimacy, you try to coerce her into intimacy, yeah. And yet you're not willing to put in the effort to have an emotional connection, then the likelihood of a woman wanting to engage in intimacy is very low. That makes sense. So we you want to be connecting, you want to be making eye contact, smiling, saying loving things, giving hugs, nonsensual contact. If a woman thinks that every time you touch her, it's because you want something, she's gonna pull away. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

And so it's about it's about changing the way, if you're not doing these things, is about doing them more often to prove that you're not just trying to get that out of your partner.

SPEAKER_02 27:19

You know, the hole. That's what it feels like as a woman. He wants the hole. I hate to use that word or whatever, that language, but just to really pin this point down.

SPEAKER_00 27:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:28

If you're not making any effort to love me as a human and all you want is my hole, well, for one thing, that's not my favorite part.

unknown 27:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:37

Of you know, you getting the hole is not my favorite part. So, no, I'm not gonna want it at all, ever. But if you are emotionally connecting with me, if you touch me all the time and hug me all the time and it doesn't lead to sex, and then when it does, it's like we have this connection already. We have an emotional connection, we have a non-sexual physical connection. We I feel loved, I feel cherished. I can't wait to please you in the bedroom. I can't wait to show you how much I love you in the bedroom. Yeah, that's that's how a woman thinks, in my opinion, as a woman.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

So then, okay, so if a man needs to start right away to prove that he's not just trying to get that, right? Like that's he's gotta show that consistently. Then what does how would a woman go about making sure her her man knows that it's not does not need to be the way that it's been going down? I mean, is that just now communications, you know, kind of thing?

SPEAKER_02 28:36

And get them to watch this podcast. Yeah, right, right. I mean, I wish that all men and women would watch more educational content about relationships. The very most important thing that we all have in our lives after our survival is our relationships and not just romantic, all of our relationships. Yeah, and people don't put the the work or the effort into relationships that they should.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

They just the understanding.

SPEAKER_02 29:05

And women either. And if I were to say something to women, I would say uh just because you're not enjoying intimacy doesn't mean that you should expect your man to go the rest of his life without intimacy.

SPEAKER_00 29:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:18

And that you need to do something about your distaste for it. If you can't have penetration, like I've been in that position many times, uh, there are other ways to engage in physical intimacy. And and that my guide online are specific, like practical ways, but yeah, but mentally thinking about it in a different way, thinking about it as like giving each other pleasure and you know just enjoying those moments together, like making making love, really. You can have very kinky, energetic sex, and it's still making love because there's an emotional connection there. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 29:56

Yeah, you know, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 29:57

I mean, I don't even want sex that doesn't feel like that anymore.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

Well, no, and then you're right, and then thinking about how when a woman feels like he's disconnected when he's only wants this one thing makes it feel like you're not emotionally connected anyways, because it feels like it's just about him and what he wants.

SPEAKER_02 30:14

Yeah, but the biggest problem, the biggest, hugest problem is not that men uh, you know, don't know what to do. The problem is that women, we as women don't tell them what to do. Yeah. The communication for years I didn't either. I didn't tell the guys like, oh my God, like please, could we do other stuff instead of penetration today?

SPEAKER_03 30:36

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 30:37

It never even occurred to me. I was conditioned the same way that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 30:42

And that goes back to like the book that I'm talking about, that that's the way we have been conditioned to think that that's the way we have to that we're supposed to please our man. Yeah. And that's not worry about ourselves.

SPEAKER_02 30:54

Is how they're supposed to please us, and that's why they become so insecure when they're dealing with erectile dysfunction. It's really sad, you know? Yeah. But it's there's a lot of hope when you find out that there are so many ways that you can pleasure a woman that we like more, most of us.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

And if you want to know more information, please contact Trina Ricketts for your all your ops to me or intimacy-related coaching and workbooks and programs and courses and guidance.

SPEAKER_02 31:27

Thank you. Yes. Yeah. I I do coaching. I mostly help with body confidence and and finding changing your beliefs about physical intimacy and about your body. Um, I can help direct people to resources for like actual, you know, how to become a good lover. I mean, uh what Nicole and I could talk about, what we love, what makes us feel aroused. And it might work with some women, but it might not. Yeah. Um, I think that women do a lot of body language and we hope that they can read our minds. Uh, we need to speak out more.

SPEAKER_00 32:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

But also, men, it would be wise to try and um you know, watch for body language. And if it's unclear, ask. Okay. Oh, do you not like you know, am I being too rough? Or do you like it a different way? And if she says, No, I love it just the way you're doing, then keep going. Yeah. But if she says, Well, could you be a little more gentle?

SPEAKER_00 32:24

You know, I I love like the main premise too behind all this. And I think this is the main premise behind all things. Like, it doesn't matter if it's intimate, it doesn't matter if it's on the business level, in your non-sexual relationships, in your family dynamics, but communications is what it comes down to. And it's it's funny how we just we a lot of times we go throughout life just like assuming that people know or assuming that people are gonna know or understand. And really it's not, it's about communicating, and I think that's what you're saying is like both really need to communicate, and and it doesn't have to be verbal, it can be a little non-verbal as well, right?

SPEAKER_02 33:03

Yeah, another thing like is find what works for you for me personally. I find giving a massage can turn me on. And so, in a relationship that I was in, a long-term relationship, I was with a guy who really liked to rush into everything. And so to draw it out, I would say, let me give you a massage first. So, you know, if your wife offers or your partner offers you a massage, like enjoy it, don't rush to try to try to draw it out. Like uh the worst part would be like I'm giving him a massage, and then he just turns over and oh, it's time to go. Yeah, no, no, let me finish my massage, you know. It's my foreplay too.

SPEAKER_00 33:44

Yeah, yeah. Well, this is all good, very good info.

SPEAKER_02 33:49

And Nicole, you haven't shared anything too personal about what you like.

SPEAKER_00 33:54

It's let me let me say I think it's I I've been in a weird position for the last while. Like I'm still thinking I'm still figuring it out. But I do think that like I think that's why I'm so interested in the tantric, is because I was I spent way too many years in exactly what we were talking about, the need just to feel that I had to do what they wanted, or that I had to be this way, right? And so I think I'm still in that exploration period where I'm like my relationships aren't just gonna go the way that they've always gone. It's gonna go the way that I need them to go because I know that that's one healthy, but two good for both people. And for me, it's really gonna be the most the priority is spirituality and going into it from a whole different perspective. It's not even really about the pleasure, it's going to be about the spiritual side of things.

SPEAKER_02 34:54

Yeah, that's really big.

SPEAKER_00 34:55

I spent too much time in that in that position. And and and and I know based on where my body is from not only just my GI and my ostomy, but the fact that um that I have these broken bones in my pelvis and have still on the mend, that I just know that penetrative has been not good, right? Not working for me. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:20

So it's good. There's so many new things. You're gonna have to download my guide. Yes, I do. I'm going to need someone. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Um, I was gonna say too, like you and I have talked about this before about how uh penetrative sex is very performative for a lot of us. And a big part of that comes from our current culture. Our current culture has a lot of sex in movies, in porn, and it's everywhere, and it's all a performance, but we're seeing people perform intimacy instead of actually seeing real intimacy. Like, I can't even stand sex in movies anymore. Like they just look at each other and then they slam each other against the wall, then they have standing sex. How many people have ever enjoyed standing sex? Not me personally. Right in the movies, it looks amazing.

SPEAKER_00 36:07

Um, you know what I mean? Like, yes, and I agree because we talked about this in in our uh porn episode when we talked about um people addicted to porn and why it's so not good. And you're right, because I did base my knowledge of sex based off of what I saw in on movies and in the acting. And I even I even thought like in relationship I was supposed to act like super dramatic, just sex off the table. Like I was like, wow, like your feelings and your emotions had to be like so overly and outwardly dramatized. I think I'd like to don't worry. I think I'd make a pretty good actress at this point, right? Like, because that was like that was dumb. That wasn't even me, you know. And like, so thinking of like that's why I say about the intimacy piece, it's like I spent too many years the on performing almost, right? Yeah, like so.

SPEAKER_02 36:59

Like imagine you're lying next to your lover in in a bed, and you're just talking and lazily drawing on each other's naked bodies and kissing, and you get a little bit around like hot and bothered, but then you stop and you talk some more, and then you cuddle, and and then and then you're like, Do you want a massage or do you want a massage? And and you maybe massage for a while and you're still talking and you're still connecting, and then and then you start to do some teasing. You get a little close to those areas that everybody loves, but don't go right into those areas because tease is actually, yeah, in my opinion, better. Like, you know, all those feelings you have leading up to the penetration or the orgasm or whatever the the final um you know goal in mind is all of those feelings leading up to it, the arousal, the excitement, the tease, the like we're almost doing it, but we're not quite doing it, you know? That is for women at least, I think. As a woman, for me, definitely. But also men really like it too. They just don't know it because most of them don't like try it, you know.

SPEAKER_00 38:12

Yeah, yeah. And and I think for some it becomes like a matter of time, like how much time do we like when it's married couples and with kids, it becomes a how much time do we have? But it's about making the time for that. And it's not gonna be maybe an every week, like three-hour escapade, right? Yeah, but it's about finding the time to let those little things in in all those moments, like you were saying about you know I honestly believe in scheduling it.

SPEAKER_02 38:38

I believe in scheduling it. Have like one day a week where your kids go to your parents' house for an hour or two hours, and for one hour you have your little, and I I love to, you know, set up a little love den. It's easy to have it ready to go at all times. And and then once a week you just spend an hour naked together. Yeah, maybe all you do that whole time is naked hugging, but your relationship is gonna be amazing. That sounds you know, and people neglect their relationships. They do like, yeah, we are busy, but we shouldn't be thinking how much time do we have? Yeah, uh unless we're like we're just super turned on and we want to have a quickie, then we're like, oh my god, how much time do we have? But if we're like, well, we should we haven't done it in a while, we really should do it. You know, we got about 15 minutes. What do you think? Like, no, yeah, no, for a woman, if we keep doing that, we're never gonna want it. Yeah, we're never gonna want it because it's not good. That that that kind of sex is really just for the man, honestly. You know?

SPEAKER_00 39:35

Yep, yeah. No, you're right. It's about you have to make the time. You're right.

SPEAKER_02 39:40

And I think if we're gonna leave anyone with leave anyone with like a really important top uh thought is if she loves every minute of your intimacy, she'll want to do it again.

SPEAKER_00 39:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 39:53

So that's the key. So the key is figuring out how can she love it again.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:59

And if it means you gotta stop doing the whole penetration thing and find workarounds to that, then maybe that's what you need to do.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

Yeah. Um, we don't know what we'll talk about next, but oh yeah, we do.

SPEAKER_02 40:10

Well, so far on the poll online, I'm doing a poll about uh topic, and so far the um talking about intimacy without penetration, like a whole episode about ways to enjoy intimacy without penetration.

SPEAKER_00 40:24

Oh, perfect. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 40:25

I think we could do that next time.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

Then that's next week's episode. Perfect. Well, thank you everybody for being here and enjoying Rewired and Desired. We'll be back next week. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 40:37

Yeah, go to our websites, get our free downloads, and don't be a stranger.