S1E5: Redefining "Wife Energy": The Birthday Episode

 🎙️ The Educated Domestic Podcast: Season 1 Episode 5🎙️

Redefining "Wife Energy": The Birthday Episode

In this episode of The Educated Domestic, Dr. Little explores the shame of desiring marriage as an educated, accomplished women and challenges the stigma around that desire to reframe it as clarity and alignment. 

Challenging common narratives like “you don’t need a man” and “focus on the bag,” Dr. Little reframes the conversation—reminding us that wanting love, commitment, and connection is not desperation, but intention. 

In this episode, she examines aligned partnership, defines what "Wife Energy" truly means, and shares the patterns she’s releasing to align with healthy, intentional love.

A powerful listen for women ready to embrace their desires, set standards, and build relationships rooted in reciprocity and safety.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Welcome to The Educated Domestic, the podcast where reinvention meets intellect, and rediscovering yourself comes with a side of reflection and humor. I am your host, Dr. Marlena Little, a highly educated, love-ready, empty nesting woman, navigating the wild, witty, and wonderful process of becoming again. Here, we explore identity, modern womanhood, the ideas we were taught to believe, and the ones we're brave enough to question now. Through storytelling, cultural insights, and a little bit of academic sass, this show invites you to laugh, reflect, and reclaim the next chapter of your life. So, pour a cup of something. Something warm or something strong. And let's begin today's conversation. Hey all. It has been some time, so I wanted to say, hey, hey, hey, welcome back. Thank you for your patience. We'll talk a little bit about where I have been. But if you are new, this is a space where we tell the truth. And today we're telling the truth about love, identity, healing, and what it really means to build a life that feels aligned, not just performative and impressive. I know, I know. It's been some time. I think I went over the two by two. And I just wanted to tell y'all thank you for still rocking with me. Life has indeed been life. But God has been guiding, right? And I have been through some things these last three, four weeks from surgeries, hospitals, recovery, everything in between. Your girl has been stretched. I have been on my knees, but God is good. I am okay, and all is well. And so I am back. I am ready to dive into a topic that I have been sitting on for some time. And today we're gonna have a conversation that a lot of women feel, but don't always say out loud. And how appropriate that we're speaking about this on today because today is my birthday. It's my birthday, y'all. It's my birthday, it's my birthday. I decided that what better episode to be super transparent, super vulnerable, and also open and a bit more vulnerable than I usually am. And I know you probably think, I mean, can it get any more vulnerable? Like, yes, that is a thing. That is definitely a thing. And we'll we'll be diving into some things throughout our season. But today, we are gonna be talking about the shame around wanting and desiring marriage and the redefining of wife energy, quote, unquote. We'll unpack what it really means when I say embodying wife energy, but also on your terms. Because we're only talking about me here, and I say that all the time. Somewhere along the way, I felt like wanting love started to also feel like weakness. For me, at least, wanting commitment started to feel like desperation and wanting marriage, shoot, that became something that I either had to downplay or defend. So let's start with a couple of things that I know we can agree on. The concept of marriage is cultural, it is different within different cultures around the world. And so that also makes it personal. How you view marriage and this covenant, commitment, or contract, however you want to categorize it, it's personal. Um, and so because this is personal for me, it's necessary. Marriage is necessary. Some of the messages that many high-achieving women, especially black women and those who are educated or single mothers, some of the messages we've internalized over the years have been like, I don't need a man, or I don't have to be married. I'm good all by myself. Sometimes we hear I'm focusing on my money, my bag. I don't I ain't trying to focus on no man, or better yet, I'm on the grind. Relationship is another distraction. So I want to be clear in saying foundationally, I believe that independence is powerful. One, education is transformational. Two, and financial security can be freedom. On the flip side, power without reflection can also become isolation. And today we're not attacking independence at all. We're interrogating the message and what we have been taught to believe, at least for me. I know we've all heard the phrase, and in my many, many years on this earth, I know I've said it more than a few times, right? I don't need no man. I'm fine all by myself. And it didn't come from just anywhere. And I promise when I was saying it, I didn't believe it either. I just felt like I had to say it in the moment to either, you know, lie to myself or be accepted in the space at that time. Not sure which one, but I know I've said it. And each time I didn't believe it. But for many women, especially in communities where instability was common or something that they did experience, what we understand about that phrase is that it can become survival language. What it really could mean, for me at least, and some others as you're listening to this, it could mean I can provide even if I have to do it by myself because I have no choice. Not needing a man can also mean I can protect myself because I didn't have or don't know what it's like to be protected. It could also mean I won't stay somewhere where I'm not wanted, or I won't tolerate mistreatment. So I'd rather be by myself. Not tolerating mistreatment is definitely healthy. But somewhere along the way, the I don't need a man stopped being about standards and started being about emotional self-sufficiency as identity. Take a walk with me, y'all. So I remember many years ago, there was this one time my daughter had to be about six or seven, but she was definitely still playing with dolls. And I had just purchased like the latest American girl doll. And she, you know, so when she gets the latest doll, she is now like in doll mode for weeks nonstop. Um, and at this point, she had built like this little home with her dolls, and she combined like the American girl dolls with the Barbies, the cars, like it was a whole family community happening. And I overhear her at one point having like a whole argument with her dolls. And so I'm listening to this conversation that she was creating and acting and going through with her toys. And I'm like, hey, what's what's going on? They seem to be fighting, right? And she tells me that her dolls, and they were a whole family, right? And then she talks about them and that the kids weren't listening to the mommies with the nest, the mommies. And I'm like, the mommies? Where the daddy at? You got a lot of kids. Where's the daddy? And what she said and that time sat with me for a very long time. I journal. And so I I remember reading this part of the journal probably a few months ago when this first sat in my spirit. Um, but she said, there is no daddy. So I'm like, huh? Um, let me ask a few more questions to see how much follow-up I need to do with her. Um, because you know, you never know what these kids may or may not know, right? So I asked her, Well, how many kids are there? And she says, there's four. And I started thinking to myself, okay, well, we definitely have to have like this financial conversation about kids and babies, because how are you affording all this? I know I'm over here going broke with the one. Um, but that I digress. That wasn't all of it. Um, I guess I was silent as I was processing, and me being in my thoughts about what she had said about the four kids and the mommies allowed her to continue to just share her thoughts in that moment. And so she continued saying, Well, I don't need a daddy or a husband, mommy, because you are raising me and you are doing just fine by yourself. I just want to have more kids than you had so I could have a big family. And I knew at that moment, and and there were many other moments, believe you me, that followed, um, that my decision to be a single mother and not quote unquote focus on a distracting relationship would have long-lasting effects on my daughter that I did not imagine then when I made that decision. And I was right, y'all. Um, even though that was over 10 years ago, I still sit in that decision and the effects that it has on my daughter, and she's almost 19. The observation of our lives made her think that there was no need for a man. And that was something I didn't anticipate. The tension of it all is that, you know, no, I guess I didn't need the wrong man, right? But I wanted a man. And those are two very different things, things I didn't expose her to. I hadn't shown her the difference in either one, for that matter. And honestly, I don't know if I was honest enough with myself to even do so. I had to understand that needing and choosing are different. No, I may not have needed a man to pay my bills, and even that is a lie, because given where I've been in my life, I've needed a second income, okay? Um, and you you may not need a man to validate your worth, but partnership, remember that word, has never been about financial dependency for me alone. For me, partnership was about emotional interdependence because the truth is I, like many humans, need connection. We're wired for it. And when the phrase, I don't need a man, becomes, I don't allow myself to rely on anyone, that's not empowerment. That's actually guardedness. And guardedness, when it is unexamined, becomes loneliness dressed up as strength. I am courage enough to say that for many years I was lonely. And what people didn't know is that they saw a piece of me as like, oh, she's getting that and she has done that, and she is achieving that. But I was lonely. Many nights I cried after my daughter went to sleep because I wanted to be held. I wanted a partnership, I wanted all of the things that came with it. I wanted to do life with someone. And I want to ask you to ask yourself two questions that I have been working with in my own life to this day as we continue in today's episode. I asked myself, was my independence rooted in confidence? Or was it rooted in fear of being disappointed again? I can answer that for you. Definitely fear. Um, and that's okay. It's okay to be honest, um, even in this moment. My interdependence, well, actually, my independence, I should say, uh, was also rooted in disappointment. And that didn't just start with, you know, the men that I chose to be connected with and dating. Um, if I'm honest, it started with my father. Uh, see, I I guess I struggled with how much I was gonna share here because, you know, we we live in a space where my father is still living, um, and I'm wanting to also protect his perspective. Um, but I also want to acknowledge and understand that truth is truth, and my truth is from my perspective. And I want to, in this moment, also be courage enough to utter the truth. There are specific times in my life where I was let down by my father. I'm gonna sit with that. Um, because I don't know if I've actually said that out loud before today. Um yes, my father was present in the home every single day. He was married to my mother for almost 25 years uh when she passed away almost 20 years ago. But presence, I have to understand, doesn't always result in being connected, emotionally available, and responsive to the needs of a household. So my father was present in body. He was also present financially. He took care of my mother and his family. He worked every day, but in other ways, he wasn't there. And so I grew to experience a man as unavailable and emotionally unavailable, but present in body, not in the commanding presence of vulnerability. And for some time, I dated those types of men because that's what I was used to. And I knew that there was always something missing, but I dated what I saw, what I was familiar with. But marriage for me was necessary. It's what I saw and what's what I wanted. And without a shadow of a doubt, it was the desire that I knew never changed. What I wanted to be in life changed over time. But me being a wife, that was something that never changed internally. And what I want to also elevate is that no woman should feel forced into marriage for anything other than desire. You shouldn't be forced into it for status, security, or social approval. Culturally, there's been a shift from you must be married to be valid to marriage ain't worth it anyway. And that particular swing without landing somewhere in the middle deserves a deeper look. How did we get there? Even in my singleness, I mean, I would be rich if I had a dollar for every married woman who I've heard say that they would trade places with me in a heartbeat. Why do you want to do that? I mean, I was lonely. My singleness, yes, was focused on my career and achievements and securing the bag, but that also meant that I slept alone and cried. Big king bed that I continued to roll over and over and over in without someone next to it. I didn't have a partner to go through life with me. I felt like every problem and joy was mine to experience alone. And I promise you I don't wish that on anybody. So I began to think, y'all must have married the wrong person because it can't be that bad. At least not the marriage that I wanted. In a society where marriage, healthy ones at that, are not fully and completely on display frequently for black people, being in community with so many unhappy women, it didn't make me change my desire to be married. What it did was help me understand the type of marriages I didn't want to have. I remember um watching Kevin on stage say, like, happily married people gatekeep the secret. And I'm like, they absolutely do, because what I begin to understand is that you can learn from what you don't want just as much as you learn from what you do want. But it would be nice to see what you do want so you can pressure test it from time to time. Dismissing marriage entirely can be seen as a defense mechanism. And so that's what I had started to do, to defend and really just kind of start to say, well, mm, maybe I just don't want it. And if I convinced myself that I didn't want it, then I didn't have to feel the vulnerability of actually wanting it and not having it. For high-achieving women, especially those who've built full lives by themselves, marriage can feel very risky. You already have the house. You already have established stability. You've proven what you can do time and time again. So the question becomes what does someone add? But the deeper question is, are you evaluating marriage from your past disappointments or your present desires? It's possible to believe marriage is optional and still deeply desire what it is and what its foundation of partnership that doesn't negate one or the other. Optional then means intentional, and intentional love is courageous. Focus on the bag. Now, this one does hit home for many of us. Focusing on the bag means you're securing your education, you're building your career, stacking your resources. And let me be very clear: financial literacy and economic empowerment are non-negotiables. But if we're honest, some women focus on that bag because money feels safer than men. I'm raising my hand. I was some women. Money doesn't ghost you. Money won't cheat on you. Money will not emotionally withdraw. Money is predictable. You work, you earn it, you spend it, you experience the reward. That's the formula. I wish love operated on formulas because formulas are predictable. But love is not a formula. And it does require risk. Still speaking for me, so that others can find themselves in my experience, I know that I overinvested in my career because it gave me a guaranteed return. I learned that the danger in that is neglecting your emotional life while building a financial one. Because at some point, you look around and you've achieved all of these things that you plan and still feel alone, empty, hollow. True story is every time I went through a real deep heartbreak, I either pursued and obtained another degree or another promotion. And I started to use and believe the phrase using my pain for purpose. But that also meant that I wasn't even able to celebrate the accomplishments correctly. Because of how they originated. That pattern of behavior was one that I dived into in 2022 in therapy. This notion that love was a distraction was worth exploring with my therapist. And we explored these thoughts and themes that I told myself that relationships would slow me down, or I didn't want to fall in love too soon and be disappointed, or, you know, Negroes gonna Negro. And I ain't got time for it. But the reality is the wrong partner disrupts your focus. But the right one, oh, he is the exact opposite. He multiplies instead of subtracts. Healthy love doesn't distract, it stabilizes, it regulates your nervous system, it gives you a safe place to land and reminds you that you are more than your productivity. Here's what many high-achieving women like myself fear. They fear losing themselves in love. And that fear usually comes from experience when you have been overgiving or shrinking, prioritizing someone else's dreams over your own, all things that occur with the wrong partner. So instinctively, you do protect, you stay focused, you stay guarded, stay ahead of the game or whatever game that's being played. Because I would leave at the drop of a dime when I thought something was out of place. Because I'm not about to deal with teaching anyone how to be a man. So I knew I would say, oof, I ain't got time for this. But over the course of the years, I've learned a thing or two on this love journey of mine. And I'm still learning, which is why we're here together. Previous things I've told you was about this list. And so in today's episode, I want to share the list. I had two lists in 2022. One list that captured all that I wanted in a man, and the other list was everything I want it to be. So I'm gonna read this list and give me grace because it is from way back when. Honest, faithful, vulnerable, soft, slow to argue, eager to mend, compatible, able to create desire, show love, smile, willing to pray and work it out each time, proactive, willing to compromise and comprehend, always open, exciting and excited, willing to evolve and change in order to be my best self, proud to be in unity. Will show off my man, my man, my man. Flirtations, let him know he's wanted. Open again. Speak like butter. Show my love through touch and affection. Always meet him with a smile and good energy. Good energy. Over the last few years, um, I've realized and journaled the fact that I didn't codify what this good energy meant. And I definitely didn't name what I really desired, which was big wife energy. And so in a separate journal, um, I have been honest with myself over the years, letting go of the shame of naming that specific desire that I wanted daily to exude wife energy. Let's start with what I think. So I think that wife energy does get misunderstood. Some people hear it and immediately want to think, oh, you're cooking and cleaning, performing. And that's exactly not what I'm talking about. When I say wife energy, I'm talking about an internal posture. Y'all know I love words. And so as a noun, posture is the position or bearing of the body or characteristic assumed for a special purpose. That is a state of being. Posture as a verb means to cause or to assume a given pose. So in both being and action in noun and verb, an internal posture shows up in a very telling, purposeful way. It's not a performance, it's not a checklist of doing. It is a way of being. I'd done that before. And I knew that what I wanted, I had to be clear about so that I can walk in purpose in this partnership. Not overgiving as I had done before, not trying to prove my worth. I wanted to be very clear that I wanted to co-create a safe space that allowed for us to grow and evolve, for us to have ground that became fertile with mutual respect, mutual care, and mutual accountability. Out here in social media land, I definitely hear it all the time: femininity and softness is synonymous with performative behaviors. Oh, you need to act nice, act agreeable, act supportive, all of the acts. And when it's not genuine and authentic to you, it's definitely not energy and not wife energy at that, because I believe the wife energy is authentic alignment. It's I show up as myself, and that self, my best self, is grounded, intentional, and whole, lacking nothing and missing nothing. And nothing is broken. Shout out to my uncle for that one. What wife energy is not is I shape shift in order to be what you need. So you choose me. It definitely isn't pick me energy. The distinction that I really need you to hear is there is a huge difference between being a wife and doing wife work. Being a wife is rooted in identity. There's mutual commitment, shared responsibility, and emotional security. But doing wife work is when you're overextending, overgiving, and overcompensating all of the overs. Without the title, and more importantly, without the structures to support it, too many women are out here doing too much. They're doing wife work on girlfriend terms in undefined situations, calling it potential. And yeah, let me let me just say, no, no, no, my love. And I've been there before, so I understand and I can tell you one thing, and this is completely out of love, that that's not potential. It's misalignment, especially when you know what you want to be, and you're doing the most to get there. What if we change the messaging and the new messaging sounded like I don't need a man, but I desire partnership. Yes, marriage is optional, and I'm allowed to want it with everything that I have. I'm gonna focus on my money and build relational wisdom at the same time. Love will not distract me. The wrong love will. Do we see the difference there? This is more about the integration, not choosing independence or intimacy. It's choosing both. And that duality is literally the foundation of this podcast. I've learned in leadership and in love. The most powerful woman in the room is not the one who needs no one. It's the one who knows that she can do it alone, but chooses not to. Well, before we end, let's examine what I had to be completely real about releasing in order to be aligned with the life I wanted. Learning and unlearning are both processes for growth. One is definitely harder than the other, and depending on where you are in life, I'll let you decide which one that is. But here's what I had to unlearn. I am no longer overfunctioning, people-pleasing, playing therapist, mothering a man, performing strength, or acting like I am the solution to a man's trauma. I do not have to carry the emotional weight of the relationship by myself. I am not initiating everything, fixing everything, or holding everything together. Too many times I heard those married women in my circle say that they still felt like single mothers. They would say they were married single mothers. Shit. I was already one part of that. And I just knew I wasn't gonna add another designation and still be in the same place. That's running in place. Because the truth is, if it only works because of me, then baby, it ain't working at all. And I've learned and now experienced, right, that I don't have to be responsible for another person's growth and healing, but I am responsible for walking with him as we heal each individually and we heal ourselves individually for each other. And over these past years with my king, we have been doing that. And at first it was something, you know, that I wasn't used to. But when I tell you, right now it's sexy as hell for us to be in conversation or in the healing process and speak about that process with each other for the betterment of each other. I can't tell you how many times I felt so much more deeply connected to him, connected to my king, my man, my man, my man, when we are both doing the work for and with each other. That structure, though, that didn't come from me. That came from him. And once there was this structure of mutual respect, mutual accountability, and mutual care, I was able to feel safe enough to do the work. That connection, even in its physical form, has become so much stronger over time as we've evolved to be better versions of ourselves for each other. So if you take anything away from today, let it be this. You are allowed to want marriage. You are allowed to want partnership. You, my love, are allowed to want love that is structured, intentional, and safe. And you do not have to dilute that desire because you feel shame in wanting it. The only thing that I ask you to do as you continue to evolve is to ask yourself, and I do this all the time. Am I becoming the version of myself that aligns with the life that I say I want? Am I becoming the version of myself that aligns with the life that I say I want? Not performing, not proving, but aligning. Before we close on my birthday, my birthday, my birthday, I'd like to uh check in with y'all. So we're gonna do the empty nesting check-in. On this day that is reserved specifically for me, my own national holiday, I am checking in with y'all as eternally grateful and blessed. I have come such a long way and been through so much in these 40 plus years. Um, there's been so much hurt, betrayal, disappointment, and trauma that it has become a daily practice and sometimes a moment-by-moment work that I have to do to not be defined by the things that I've gone through, those things that were formed to destroy me. I truly believe that no weapon formed against me will prosper, but they will form. I am completely and deeply thankful on this day, on my birthday, to have true partnership and a world where I'm co-creating with a man who sees me, who accepts me, and who cares for me. I have prayed for a very, very long time for God to allow me to see a 45th wedding anniversary. Um, 45 years is symbolic of the amount of years that my mother graced this earth. And I am more convinced today than ever that I'm gonna live past 90, y'all, because I gotta see that. I'm going to see that. I also want to say thank you to the women that I have been blessed with in my life, amazing women who have poured into me, who continue to accept me, who walk with me, and allow me to be, even when it's raw, uncut, unrefined, and all over the place. I have learned from these women and I thank them for their presence, for showing up, and for being exactly what I needed them to be. I've also learned from the women who came and went. And so I thank you for your temporary presence. And I understand what you were and who you were to me in those times. Thank you for releasing me so that I can evolve. And I understand that alignment isn't just in one area of your life. When you are truly committed to experiencing the life that you desire, it is essential that you align in all parts of your life, period. I want to thank you all for staying with me, for rocking with me, for being patient with me as I continue to learn and grow so that I can be a mirror and a reflection for us all as we journey to becoming. And lastly, on this day, I'd like to acknowledge and thank my daughter, my amazing daughter, who consistently stretches me. She allows for her very existence to be exactly what I need to grow. Baby, this podcast is for you. It is because of you. It is in service of you and the woman and wife that I want to become for you so that I can give you now what I couldn't give you then when you were younger. Something good to desire. Thank you all. This is The Educated Domestic, and I am your host, Dr. Marlena Little. And today I challenge you. Build that bag, sis, build the boundaries, love. But don't build walls so high where that love can't find you. That, my tribe, is today's episode. Thank you for spending this time with me on the Educated Domestic Podcast. As usual, if today's episode spoke to you, made you laugh, think, or even rethink some things you thought you already knew, please share this with someone who may need it. A mother, friend, sister, or anyone stepping into their own soft era and journey of becoming. And of course, you can always stay connected with me by clicking the subscribe button to be notified of more episodes to come. There will be more stories, more insights, and more SAS every two weeks. I promise you that. You can also send in your questions for the Dear Educated Domestic segment. And you can send that to educated domestic at gmail.com and catch episodes and updates by following the show on your favorite platform. Until next time, my tribe. Stay curious, stay courageous, and stay beautifully becoming.