(25) "Pass The Potatoes And Let Them. Why Being Disliked Is None Of Your Business."

A packed hospital parking lot shouldn’t turn into a philosophy talk, but that’s exactly where we go. We start with a real day of juggling mobility issues, doctor visits, and the maddening hunt for a spot while rows of accessible spaces sit empty. From there we zoom out to what disability access is supposed to solve, why ADA ramps and wider spaces were a huge win, and why the system breaks down when people treat accommodations like perks instead of necessities.

Then we get uncomfortably honest about the little ways we all bend the rules. The “stink eye” for parking where you shouldn’t, the temptation to grab the roomy handicapped bathroom stall because it’s open, and the mental gymnastics we use to justify it. Accessibility is law, but it’s also character, empathy, and the decision you make when nobody is watching.

The second half turns inward. We talk about growing up caring what people think, feeling like the black sheep, and the exhausting urge to fix every broken relationship just so we can feel liked again. Therapy helps us land on a line that sounds simple and hits hard: if people don’t like me, that’s none of my business. We tie it to perfectionism, learning Spanish through immersion in Cuernavaca, and the freedom of showing up imperfectly. If you’ve ever wanted to be “beloved” by everyone, this one will feel familiar.

Subscribe for more conversations like this, share the episode with someone who overthinks everything, and leave a review so more listeners can find us. What’s one situation where you need to “let them” and move on?

Please leave us your comments, text me, DM me, give me your thoughts.  what works and what doesn't land?  We want to improve.

thanks for listening

Joe

Transcript

Silver Anniversary Banter

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Hey everybody. It's Feltdown Man and the Card of the Giant with Joe Flush and Edward Penn. Hey. This is our twenty-fifth. Twenty-fifth. Did we get something for that? Is that an anniversary? What's the anniversary?

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Is that isn't that silver? I think it's silver, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Wow. Are you getting me something? Wow. Well, you know, photos have uh silver in them, the photo print. So you're gonna get me a photo of something. Maybe, maybe. I I doubt I'm gonna get you anything, actually. But uh

Hospital Trip And Parking Rage

SPEAKER_00 0:55

I don't know. We're uh we're here and we're trying to burn off some more. And I I get agitated by everything. And I told you last time that Mary Kay needed some um, she had some mobility issues, and we had to get her to the doctor, and uh they sent us from one doctor to another, and they sent us over to uh I like can't remember the hospital we went over to. No, that's not it. No, but uh we're a Turquoin mall out in that area. That's the UK's hospital. Okay, that's where we went. Yeah, so I get her over there, and once again, I'm on one leg myself. I'm driving. Uh I get her over there, and I have to get her clothes, and uh then I get there and I I let her out, but she needed some help once she got out of the car. So I got her out, stopped the car, got out, limped around to the other side, and then helped her up. Then I came back to to park the car. Well, if you've been over there, you know there's no place to park. And there's no valet parking over there either. No valet parking and handicap parking everywhere. Uh everywhere. I it was so much handicap parking, and all those parking places were empty. So I here's here's my beef. We're gonna we'll be real controversial. I'll come out against handicap parking. No, I'm not. Uh you took one of those spots, didn't you? I did not. No, no, because uh, you know, you know me, I'm so scared, I'll afraid I'll be towed, and I can't go to go to prison for well. I can't go with everything else that's going on, I cannot uh get towed. Right. Uh, but so I no, I finally found a place way far away and limped my way to the hospital. I was thinking, why this much handicapped parking? Uh now let's go back to uh was it was it under the lyndon Johnson that they started doing that? Th for handicapped parking stations. Yes, yeah, I think it's possible, yeah. Um and and rightfully so. I mean, somebody thought these people in wheelchairs and stuff that that are bad, they don't have a place to park close to the hospital. Uh they're having a park far away, get out, get in a wheelchair in some way, get uh and so Americans with Disabilities Act, I think, was as dirty as a nice direction. I think I I think that's right. Yeah. Uh the uh so yeah, I I get that, and I'm totally on board with that. I and the ramps, you know, putting ramps everywhere, because back in those days in the 60s, it was steps, and some places uh a mess of steps. I mean, uh there was no way you could get in some buildings without and you remember people being carried up those steps. I do, I it's embarrassing. Yeah, so uh somebody battled that, brought it to Lyndon Johnson's attention or whoever, and they said we need to do something about it. So it's a compromise, and people fought it. There was people, there was a whole lot of people going, no, I don't like I don't like giving anybody special things. No, no, we don't want special treatment of any kind, no matter what the problem. We're all the same, we're all the same, all exactly the same. Uh you know, maybe maybe the maybe the cornhole player guy would have begged to differ on that, but uh, you know, he was able to murder somebody, so he, you know, to me he wasn't handicapped. Uh but no, I think uh I think uh it was a good thing. And there was always so they set aside places for people to park. Uh and it was usually like right outside of it. And if you if you parked in a handicapped place and weren't supposed to, they told you.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

And also you get this is as as important to me as anything, and maybe for you because we've talked about it. You get the looks from people. If you get out and you're perfectly seem to be okay, and you park in a uh parking space that's been designated for for others, particular others, and you walk into the building, people sort of give you they they

How ADA Changed Public Spaces

SPEAKER_01 5:35

it's I don't want to use the word shun because it's just the opposite of that. They give you the the stink eye and justifiably, you know. You don't care so you'd want it to limp at least a little bit once you get out of the car and if you park in one of those spots.

SPEAKER_00 5:49

You probably won't believe this, but that's the first time I've heard stinkeye today. It uh uh you don't hear that much anymore. But that but that's a good good expression. Uh well, there was you know the disapproving looks and stuff like that, but there was always the these assholes that would then just to be assholes, they would park in the parking spot and then you know, just dare anybody to to say anything. Or I I've I've seen so many people they can't be shamed, those news can't be shaped during COVID. There's some of the people that wouldn't go when they went to a restaurant, wouldn't put a mask on to get in a restaurant, and uh so it was that, but I'm all for that, and I think even more important, these spaces that are wider uh that can accommodate like a van when people are in wheelchairs and stuff to get that so they have room to get out. That's right, and uh that makes a lot of sense. Well, here's what happens it happens, it happens really in every phase of our life, I think. Uh somebody goes, Well, yeah, it's true that they have those handicaps and wheelchairs and stuff like that. Well, yeah, we'll give them, but you know, we have other disabilities uh that people need, you know, people that aren't accommodated for necessarily. Right, right. So there's really not enough spaces anymore.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

Uh we'll designate a few more for those things. And and so once again, everybody gets to a point where they're fine with it. Uh but people that don't want to be bothered, and they just and they start saying, like, for example, Ed, I know I could get a handicap sticker anytime. Being on one leg, I I wouldn't even have to. I can probably just limp by and they'd throw me one. Uh let me tell you something. You could have gotten that before you started limping around. Yeah. Well, you're probably right.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Because I had plenty and me too for that goal.

SPEAKER_00 8:00

I uh but I chose not to because my thinking was uh, and I might be wrong about that, but I was thinking there are people that need it a whole lot more than I did. Oh, yeah. And it's also not gonna hurt me to walk another 10, 20 feet. In fact, it might be helpful. And well, yeah, if you ask my doctor, they would say, uh, and so what I try to do, despite the fact that I'm on one leg, I try to I try to park as far away as I can, like in Frogo Park and a lot of stuff. And uh think, well, I'm gonna get a little walk here. Yeah, you know, I do the same. And part of it, part of it is that, because I think I need to do that. The other part is I really am trying to leave those spots for people that need them. Now, unfortunately, over time, they keep adding more and more things that will allow you to have it. And some of them I understand, like uh sometimes it's temporary. You know, you'll have an injury or something that maybe temporarily you're gonna need to be closer to the doctor's office than you did. In those cases, most of the time you shouldn't be driving anyway. You should not be driving. But uh, but I'm saying, you know, I was a for it. And that's gotten more and more. I think I think you can have bone spurs now and and get a get a spot.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

Not only you can you get out of the draft, but you can also but you can also have get a good parking space with the bone spurs.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

I think, I think people, you know, I think I mean the politicians themselves didn't want to be bothered. And so I think most of them have stickers to allow them to park closely. And what they've done, they they've now ruined it for you know, for people who actually need those spots. You go in and go, damn, there are not that many handicapped people that could possibly fill this uh parking lot.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Is that where you're sort of going with the story? Or I guess I am. Well, because I've got something to add to that, right? I I think we

When Accommodations Get Abused

SPEAKER_01 10:15

and we tend to take advantage of those. It's human nature that we sort of try to take advantage of those things anyway. I'm gonna give you an example of that. You were talking about those wide spaces for wheelchairs and those handicap spots, which I think are great. One of the things that I've noticed myself gravitating toward in recent years, I'm gonna tell on myself, when I go to the men's restroom and I see that handicapped stall open, I go. Yeah. Why? Because it's higher, it's roomier, and I want room. And and I don't care whether anybody's waiting for it. Now I would if somebody was there in a wheelchair or something like that. Of course I would. But if there's not anybody using it, and I think, I think I'll use that.

SPEAKER_00 10:58

When we were in Pampolona and you had to go, did you use a handicapped stall there? I can't remember. No, yeah, it was a it was a common area. It wasn't even there's no privacy whatsoever. That's right. That's right. But I have pictures of that's right.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

Yeah, which is typical of Europe for there, for that sort of a um a unisex bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

Well, I think I I get that, the handicapped toilet thing. I mean, I've done you find yourself doing that yourself because I don't I don't leave it uh if I know that no one else is coming in there.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

Uh if it's a place that where there's a lot of traffic, no, I'd leave it. I don't do that to other people, but that's me. Yeah, I'm a little generally a little nicer guy. I sort of regret it a little bit, but not much. Not not really. You have regrets?

SPEAKER_01 11:50

I have a few.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

But then again, too few to mention. That's right.

Wanting To Be Beloved

SPEAKER_00 11:55

Uh I I I kind of wanted to go uh into this today, too. Uh you know, uh thinking about mom, uh what she said, uh, and you were at mom's funeral, you probably heard that there was a letter from her favorite minister in there, and they were talking about mom. And and and the one of the things he he kind of preached was that life's too short to worry about what other people think of you. And boy, that sounds great. I mean, it sounds great. It sounds like something my mom would say, because she did say it a lot, and I think if you don't care what other people think about you, you probably don't say it. You don't need to say it.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

Uh mom cared a lot. Uh you know, my my sister might uh disagree with that one, but I'm I'm giving my viewpoint is that she cared a lot about what people thought, and uh it I I I go the opposite way. I I'm not gonna say, but I don't care. I care a hell of a lot. I care, I care too much, Eddie. Too much. I care what people think, and I I struggle with it sometimes. That makes it hard because you know, over the years you you've had fallen outs with people. Uh you ever had fallen out with your family or anything like that?

SPEAKER_01 13:25

I stay in a constant uh falling out, sort of not so much these days, um, but earlier in my life I did. My sister and I get along quite well.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Yeah. Well, I uh you know, I this could be my brain working wrong, but I feel like I'm the black sheep of the family. I really do. And uh I've had friendships that uh came to an end because of something. There's usually something trivial in my mind. But it's within the family, though, you're talking about. Well, some in the family, some that are not. Some were people that I just and and I feel like I gotta fix things.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

You know what I mean? Well, you do, especially if you think that you had a big part in it. Especially, or or maybe not for you, even if you think you didn't have a big part in it, that you you want to try to fix it if you can, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

It's not even, I don't think it's even a fault type thing. Uh okay, I'll admit I want to be beloved. You know, like the dearly beloved that you hear.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Did you all sing dearly beloved? I'm sure we did. I'm sure we didn't. You're talking about it in church.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

Yeah, well, uh, yeah, and uh when I got married, yeah. He welcome welcomed all the beloved. So I guess they beloved somebody when they came. And you were in church at the time. Yeah, yeah. So it's easier to be beloved there. Uh I don't think I don't think that I'm here's what I think's gonna happen. I think when I die, is that too dark for this one? It's getting it's getting there.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Maybe we can talk about my birth date.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

We'll try to straighten that out again. That's right. You and Randy Jones. That's right. Uh I uh I really feel like this is true. I think when I die, people are gonna be at the dinner table. I can just picture people at the dinner table and going, somebody goes, Did you hear Joe died yesterday? I go, Really? Really? Joe? Which Joe who? And they go, Joe Hall. You you remember he was he was the guy, wasn't he the guy that did comedy for a while? Then he changed his name for that. And they go, Yeah, yeah, I think he did. Pass the potatoes. Exactly. Pass the potatoes. Pass the potatoes. Isn't that the end of the conversation? Yeah. And uh, you know, I think everybody would like to be beloved, but you can't be, because people have different expectations and everything. And so what I've come to the conclusion, I guess there are a lot of therapy, a lot of therapy, it is that if people don't like me, uh it's really none of my business. I mean, I I know that sounds like a strange way to put it, but they're allowed to dislike me. That's right. And so once I release thinking that I had to fix something, uh I just want I want to be the best person that I can be, and I really do try. I try I really try. It might not look like it, but I try. And then if they don't like me, uh it's none of my business. It's it's not right for me to try to project things onto them. That's that's their business.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

So is that a regret that you have that you've sort of imposed that on on them and yourself? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Now, what does that sound like to you? It sounds like it guys a lot more therapy.

SPEAKER_01 17:12

Well, yeah, it doesn't, but uh I I I but I get it. I totally understand it. So what regrets do you have? Anything similar to that? Or well, mine aren't that cerebral, it seems like mine aren't, you know, it's the handicapped stall at the airport.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

I'm trying to yeah, I'm trying to teach you shit as well.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

I'm trying to unwilling to learn, but I uh you know, I I can I can treat people a little bit in a nasty sort of way a lot of times, and it's my cynicism that that I I say that's the cause of it necessarily. But I regret pe treating people lots of times the way that I've treated them and and then and then not, but um, but I think everybody has those sorts of regrets. I've got some things that I don't regret that that sort of stand out for me, that I'll never

Learning Spanish Without Perfection

SPEAKER_01 18:05

have a regret about in a million years. And this is not an easy segue to get to this, but one of the things that I don't regret, I didn't think it was something that I I'd ever even actually do, is that um and I put myself out in a way that I'd expect my to be to able to do that. Uh I went to Spanish language school in Cuernavaca, Mexico. And uh I signed up for that. It was either a four or six-week class, uh, immersive class where we spoke Spanish the whole damn time, the whole time we were there. And um, I don't know whether anybody else said it, but people's taken foreign languages. You took a foreign language in high school. I took Spanish. I took Spanish in high school. But you weren't invested in it necessarily working.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

I was I I'll tell you how bad my Spanish was. When you and I went to uh Pampolona and we watched the bullfights, I couldn't take it. After about three bullfights, I I'd had enough. It was not for me, but yeah, you and Clint were still watching that and I'd I thought I gotta get out of here. And so I went down and waited. Not Clint Howard, because that that'd be, you know that'd be a way that would be a way better story. It'd be a curtain great story with Clint Howard, but it's not the same. No, this was your friend Clint. Right. And mine too. If Clint happens to listen, I would don't want him to think I wouldn't include him. And I'm gonna have more. That's not my fault. Uh it's once again, if anybody's mad at me, uh uh that's on you because you're allowed, you're allowed to not like me. Anyway, my story was we were at the bullfights and I had seen enough, and I went down outside of the arena and thought, I want to wait for Ed and Clint, but I don't know how many bore more bulls there are. I didn't think there were many because I was thinking they killed the bulls that we ran with. Yeah, it was what six or there were six bulls and six um steers. But they didn't kill the stairs.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

No, you had a hard time telling the stairs from the bulls, just to be honest. So they were all they were all bulls together.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Yeah, you go. Uh the bulls are the ones with the pointy horns, and then the stairs were the ones with pointy horns. So uh yeah, but I went out there and I I thought I I gotta know when this is over, so I know kind of when you guys are gonna leave. And so I I I said uh okay, I'm trying to think of the statement. I went up to this guy and I said, K. Ora.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

What time is it? Is what you meant. K. K. Uh the El Toros. For the time you know it's Felito. I said Felito. But you're trying to find out when the bulls were finished running through there.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

Yeah. So I use that was my term. And the guy turned to me and goes, uh, 20 minutes. Yeah. It was English. Yeah, in English. Okay, I guess I wasted my time. I could have just asked him in English. But yeah, that and I got off your story, but I uh, you know, taking a side trip is kind of our thing.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Yeah, that's what that's what we do. It's not exactly a rabbit hole, but it's dang close to one. But anyway, my my point is that people take languages all the time, but they might not be familiar with how they're done in an immersive sort of way in the foreign country in which you're trying to learn that specific language. And um, so I'll I'll give you a little bit, uh, depending on our our time, uh, about how that's set up. It was a four week session and it was an immersive class, so we spoke Spanish the whole time, but it was set up around a pool. There were ten tables set up around the this uh outside swimming pool, uh in Brown Swimming Pool. And with umbrellas. And there were five, six, seven, eight, ten teachers there that were employed by the school, which happened to be the name of the school was Escuela Experiencia. And I think they're even out of business now, but and they have one location still, maybe in Puerto Escondido, another part of Mexico. But it was different levels. They tested you before you went into this classes to see at which table you'd be sitting. And uh your your instruction was going to be based upon how well you knew Spanish to begin with. And I didn't know much at all. I knew more, way more French. And uh anyway, it was uh it was a a cross-section of people from different parts of the world, uh Europe, um, Asia, United States, different states in the United States. But um that I realized straight away, and so did they, that my Spanish was fairly elementary. But anyway, it was really interesting to be there. We sat under umbrellas, we broke for lunch, we spoke Spanish, we got to know these other folks who were sitting around us. We went into town together, we went to uh um some locations, um, museums and things like that, some restaurants together. And during those times we spoke English. But when we were in the school confine, when we were inside the walls of that school, which happened to have a lock on it on the front door, uh, and we also stayed there at the school. We slept there and uh ate our meals. But uh I met a cross-section of people. It was very, very interesting. I really recommend it to people who haven't who maybe have thought about doing it, but haven't done it for whatever reason. But I remember specifically uh some folks there, there was a young woman who who's a flight attendant now whose name uh is Sabrina. And Sabrina was at the really the top of the level. And there wasn't anything that Sabrina couldn't do that she was asked to do in the classes. Was that a Spanish name? Sabrina's not. She was from Switzerland, I think, or Sweden. And uh Sabrina was was blonde and pretty girl and smart, smart, smart. And anytime we had to conjugate verbs, which we had to do all the time. If you're ever taking a foreign language, that's the bulk of it. Yeah, you can conjugate verbs, then you can you can fill in with the vocabulary. But there wasn't any verb that Sabrina couldn't conjugate in any tense. So she she was just fantastic. But anyway, I got to be friends with uh Sabrina as a few as well as a few others there whose names I can't really um remember now. But I guess my point is that um, first of all, is that's not a regret that I have in this lifetime. And and I thought it could be, because I'm not good at that sort of thing. And I thought I'm gonna get myself involved in this, I'm gonna regret doing it. Uh, but there's no regret attached to that at all for the mess of Greek people.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

I I would, I mean, I know you think you won't weren't that good at it, but it's not your native language. No, and so and so, and I know you. I mean, you can't wash your car without making sure there's every little spot. You probably take a toothbrush and get down in between.

SPEAKER_01 25:16

And you've got to be willing to let go of some of that when you're learning a language.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

Yeah, because you can't sit well, and if you're washing your car, you you can't sit out. You can't sit outside the car afterwards holding your arms out trying to prevent it. You know, uh so I I I don't think there's any regrets about that. You know, one thing when you talk about that, I and you speak French too, don't you?

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

Uh wouldn't that be we or a little bit more extensive than that.

SPEAKER_01 25:47

So yes, we we uh sort of okay.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

That's what I was looking for. Uh but what I noticed when we were in Spain when we were doing uh Pampelona and Barcelona uh was that that Spanish there was quite different from the Spanish I had learned in Mexico. It's different.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Yeah, it's a little bit different. It's essentially the same, but the some of the express some of the some of the pronunciations are a little bit different, and some of the expressions that they use are a little bit different. But essentially it's Spanish, it's really Spanish, you know. Really?

SPEAKER_00 26:24

Well, it it it felt different, as it felt like a and and I had to get tickled at you because uh at times you would talk about a uh an address we needed to be to, or something like that. Uh and and then you want to make sure you said it exactly right. Because I'm pedantic. That that word is pedantic, in case you wondered. But but here was the here was the kicker was those guys appreciated the hell

Let Them And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 26:55

out of it. Your effort. Oh, they like it. And they like making fun of you at the same time. They make fun of you, and and they sound like they were schooling you a bit on that. But you can see the smiles on their faces.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

And uh I think that's an important point. Uh this is going down another rabbit hole. I've always been, if I can't do it perfectly, then I I might not want to do it. But I'm never going to be perfect at anything. So I'm thinking the real the real way to approach a foreign language for people who think they might want to approach it is try to get as dang close to the expression or the the sentence or the word as you can get and see how it goes. Otherwise, you're making yourself ill over it.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Oh, yeah. Well, I I'm probably I probably go the opposite way, but maybe maybe it'll help you a little bit that I've taught you uh that it's none of your business. You think you can go deep into that and think, you know, what people think about how you pronounce that word?

SPEAKER_01 27:52

I don't believe all the things, you know, you and I've talked about therapy. I still go to therapy still, even these days at 74, almost 74 years old, I'll be on October 1st. Not September 15th, 13th, uh, but October 1st. But um, you know, I try to let that go. And, you know, you and I have talked about talked about this book about letting go, um, Let Them by Mel Robbins. And and and I told you just not long ago, I think if you could just keep the title, you wouldn't even have to read the book. Just let them, let other people do what they do. Yeah. Try not to think about.

SPEAKER_00 28:29

But again, that's really hard for me because I need to be loved. I need to be beloved. So so anyway, we'll just pass the potatoes and get out of here, and you're not gonna do it.