Ep 140: Stop Arguing, Start Strategizing. Redefining Maturity in Marriage with Dr. Andrea Vitz

Most couples believe that age and experience naturally lead to wisdom, but as today’s guest Dr. Andrea Vitz explains, "Age does not promise maturity." If your relationship feels like a cycle of predictable problems, it’s time to trade in your ineffective habits for a higher level of emotional sobriety.

In this episode of the Married and Connected podcast, host Kameran Alareqi welcomes back Dr. Andrea Vitz to discuss her groundbreaking new book, The Composure Challenge. Together, they strip away the "adult" labels we hide behind and look at the raw mechanics of why we fail to connect. Andrea shares her powerful definition of maturity—the use of effective strategy—and explains why your morning coffee might be the very thing sabotaging your marriage.

Key Discussion Points

• Maturity as a Strategy: Learn why maturity isn't a state of being, but a practice of choosing effective strategies over ineffective ones.
• The Myth of "Growing Up": Why having a career and kids doesn't make you an adult, and how "unqualified" people can finally qualify themselves for a healthy relationship.
• Physical Command & Emotional Chaos: A deep dive into how disruptors like caffeine, sugar, and alcohol dismantle your nervous system, making it impossible to access critical thinking or kindness during a conflict.
• The 6-Stage Framework to Relational Mastery: Andrea outlines the journey from physical command to societal leadership, showing how emotional fluency leads to a deeper connection with your partner and a stronger spiritual life.
• Choosing Love Over Infatuation: Why the "honeymoon phase" is often just a lack of responsibility, and how to choose to love your partner more deeply through humility and shared purpose.
• The Grass is Greener Where You Water It: How to stop looking for a way out and start looking for the "suck" in yourself to empower real change.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why 69% of relationship conflicts aren't actually "unsolvable," despite what traditional research might say.
• The "Monster Energy" effect: How everyday addictions create agitation that we unfairly project onto our spouses.
• How to differentiate between being "interested" in growth and being "committed" to it.
• The power of Emotional Sobriety in seeing your partner as a separate individual rather than a projection of your needs.

Quotes from the Show

"Maturity is reached for. It is built through qualities that must be practiced until they become part of your nature."

"If you aren't mature enough to remove the poison from your life that dismantles your emotional state, you are just exposing your weakness."

"Relational mastery means you save time, energy, and money. It's the difference between having a relationship and having a superpower."

Resources Mentioned

• Book: The Composure Challenge by Andrea Vitz (Releasing Late May)
• Training: Integrated Human Mastery at Lifted Academy
• Connect with Andrea: andrea@liftedacademy.com
• Website: www.liftedacademy.com

Connect with Kameran 

If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review and subscribe! Your support helps us reach more couples looking to build a life of peace, clarity, and connection.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What are you feeding your mind right now? If it's social media, are you tired of doom scrolling through the angry comment sections and political rants yet? What if you use that time to actually fix your marriage? Welcome to the free married and connected school community. It's like social media, but without the ads, without the judgment, and without the noise. Just real self-paced tools that get you out of that roommate phase starting today. Inside, you get an exact blueprint for a weekly State of the Union meeting with your spouse. We're cutting mental load, we're stopping miscommunications, and we're breaking that exhausting loop of doom argument once and for all. Plus, you get instant access to workshops on overcoming resentment and bringing the actual fun back into your marriage. We have a dedicated space just for guys jumping into forging fortitude. It's a 10-week intensive to help you step into your masculine leadership and become the husband and man that God called you to be. And for ladies joining Edifying Eden, we're stepping out of that controlling, nagging era into our soft, nurturing feminine era, even if your husband hasn't taken the reins yet. Either way, you can take responsibility for your side of the street. Stop scrolling the internet and start investing in your home. The community is 100% free with options to purchase certain courses. Click the link in the show notes and join the Married and Connected school community today. I'll see you inside. Marriage isn't supposed to feel like roommates, but it doesn't have to feel like a war either. Hi, I'm Cameron Alaricki, certified marriage coach and a relationship expert. Every week on Married and Connected, I bring you real talk, hard truths, and practical tools you can start using right away. Whether you've been married two years or 42, this is where you'll find hope, encouragement, and steps that actually work. So let's make your marriage feel good again, starting right now. Hey friends, welcome back to another episode of the Married and Connected Podcast. I'm your host, Cameron Alaricki. Today's guest, I'm so excited. I'm always excited to have her on the show. She has been on the show a couple of different times. So you can find her in episode 74 and somewhere in the 80s as well. Today we're going to be talking about maturity and her new book. So everything before now has been about emotional sobriety. Today is going to be as well, but we are also going to be talking about composure and maturity. So without further ado, I'm so excited. Andrea Vitz. Hi, welcome. Hi, thanks for having me again. I'm excited. I am so excited. Um, you're the only guest that we have that has been back multiple times. So I'm really excited to jump into today and discuss this book that I had the privilege of being an advanced reader on. It's so good. So, so good. When does the composure challenge come out?

SPEAKER_01 2:49

It's probably gonna be released late May.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Late May. Okay. Awesome. So before that, we're gonna give a little teaser to everyone here. One of the things that we talk about, the word maturity, whether it's immaturity or maturity, the word maturity is mentioned 42 times in your book. So obviously kind of a big, big topic that is needed and also not demonstrated in the world right now very much. So yeah, not demonstrated, also not sought after. Yes, yes, for sure. So okay, I'm gonna butcher this name. Is it Dr. Yeshai Barkordari?

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Very good. It's close. Yeah, he's great.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Okay, so he in your book, you say that he defines maturity as the use of effective strategy. Immaturity is the use of ineffective ones. You also then go on to say that age does not promise maturity. This is one of my absolute favorite quotes from you. Age does not promise maturity. Time does not automatically produce wisdom. Many people grow older without ever growing up. Maturity is reached for, it is built through qualities that must be practiced until they become part of your nature. Okay. So in your experience and also in the way like you've coached thousands and thousands of people, where's the disconnect for people?

SPEAKER_02 4:21

I think they think they're already mature.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

I think most people would say, I'm an adult, I have kids, I have a career, I went to school, whatever it is, fill in the blank. I'm a hard worker. Just because you look in the mirror and you see an adult does not mean that you are mature. Age does not promise maturity. Demonstration is what proves maturity, and training is what gets you maturity. So, unless you have done precise and intentional training around your deficits of immaturity, you're never going to be able to reach a state of maturity. And I think so many of us are so trapped in arrogance. We think that we are always right. We think we're the smartest one in the room, even when we know we're not sometimes. We think that our perspective is the sole perspective because we have no capacity to really truly put ourselves in someone else's shoes. Well, because it most of the time it's almost impossible because you've not had their same experiences, you've not had their same cultural upbringing, you've not had their same processes or traumas. And therefore, how could you really set in their shoes and know exactly what they're feeling? You don't even know how they feel about themselves, let alone how they feel about this perspective. So I think that really it comes from a place of true selfishness and self-centeredness and our inability to really look at where I am not mature. Now, I like using this new definition that Dr. Barkador is utilizing because it's simple and it takes away all the judgment around it. Because if you were to walk up to your husband or your girlfriend and say, I think that you're coming from a little bit of an immature place, they'd probably lose their mind because they lack maturity. The next piece of recognizing if I just walk up and say, Hey, you know what? I think there's a more effective strategy that we could be using here. Whoa. So much better, right? Because if I know that my wisdom, my wisdom, and my discernment and my emotional state might not be all jiving together with the greatest, most effective strategy, then it might be coming from a place of lack of training or from a place of deficit or from a place of immaturity. If you think about the people that respect most in the world, those people, if you spend time with them and you trust that this person, I trust them with everything, I feel safe with them, I know they're gonna make the best decision. Even if they sometimes make mistakes, it's like they'll figure it out. Those people earned maturity. Yeah, they didn't just come into the world that way. In fact, most of those people were significantly immature for a long period of time. And they had the desire and the willingness to actually see where they were in a deficit and chose to get stronger in it. Most of us don't have that as a natural pivot point. Most of us don't think, huh, you know, I can't keep having the same fight with my wife. Like maybe it's uh maybe I should use a different strategy. If you kept doing the same thing at work that never worked, that business would be not existent. Yeah. You right? You would be you'd be crashed in that car. You wouldn't be utilizing a strategy that didn't work in the majority of your life because the consequence would be so severe. Why do we not take that same methodology, the same way of thinking, and apply it to our marriages? If you keep having the same conversations, the same arguments, the same tension, the same misunderstandings, wouldn't you just stop for a second be like, huh? Why don't we just slow down and figure out what's going on? Instead of being so self-righteous and so defensive and so childish. Those are very ineffective strategies. So there's a lot of places we can go in this podcast today. But I like whatever you're going with this intro. I think it's great. But I just needed to say that because I think a lot of people will listen to this and say, oh, maturity, great. My partner needs to listen to this. Mm-hmm.

unknown 8:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

My husband, my wife needs to listen.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

And that's the thing, you know, it's interesting. I I have a certification from Dr. Gottman's Institute. I mean, he's done research on relationships for 40 years. He has like 56 books out, you know, all these different things. But the one thing that he says that I just vehemently disagree with now, having gone through the emotional sobriety training, is that 69% of all conflicts are actually perpetual arguments that have no solution. And that's one of the things that I'm like, oh, actually, actually, because when we get to it, I was actually, so yesterday I I you're gonna love this as a chiropractor. Um yesterday I got uh acupuncture done on my back for the first time and loved it, by the way. I actually like I feel so much better today. But as we were talking, because he wasn't sure how I was going to respond to that treatment, um, he sat there and we just talked the whole time and we ended up talking about like relationships and conflict. And he goes, Well, I believe that we have to argue. I said, Okay, tell me more about that. Like, why do you think this? And he started talking about the fact that, like, when you argue, then you get somewhere. And I said, Well, that's actually not true. I said, if you had a conversation, you would get to the same place eventually instead of the argument. Because I said, What's happening is one of you guys is is just giving up. And he goes, Well, yeah, it's my wife. She just gives up. And I said, Great. And now I would love to have a conversation with her and find out how much resentment she's built because she's just given up over the years instead of actually having these conversations. And so we actually got to talking. And I said, When you're arguing, you know, kind of like what you've taught is you're being self-righteous, you're trying to prove the fact that you're right and they're wrong, or you're trying to convince them to come to your side, that kind of thing. And he kind of sat there for a minute. He was like, Oh, you're right. Like that's not very mature. You're right, it's not. So what are you gonna do differently? And and we can kind of get into this a little bit if you if you want. Um just for listeners out there, I was one of those people. When I first came to you, I thought I had my proverbial shit together. I thought that I, you know, I had everything I needed, I wanted, I was, you know, doing all the things. But when you looked at it, I was not mature at all. Mo and I were having the exact same arguments over and over and over. I was doing the exact same things over and over, even with my kids, you know, like I they wouldn't do what I asked, I would yell, and then they still still wouldn't do what I asked. And so, like it, you know, it just wasn't working. Nothing, you know, my my relationships just weren't working. And so the maturity, yeah, I I had to train a lot for it. And it was, it was hard. And it was also easily the best thing that I've ever done.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Oh, yeah. I mean, you've you've definitely come out on the other side, uh, definitely contest winner over here. I think you're doing amazing. If you think about that, you know, even if we still make mistakes sometimes, it's important to see where you've come from.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Yeah, I just really want to show people that because it's really easy to get stuck in, like, oh man, I totally messed up. I I shouldn't have said that that way, or I shouldn't have had that tone of voice. I shouldn't have lost my temper, had that frustrating moment. Yeah. How many times would you have done that previously? And how much worse would it have been? For sure. So you're never gonna be perfect, but you can get to a place of radical composure and maturity where you just you I always jokingly say this, but it's true. I'm in the mistake minimization business. So you're gonna make far less mistakes when you do the trainings, but you also, if you do make mistakes, they're gonna be so much smaller, so much less severe. That's what we're looking for in the training. Now, during the beginning of it, it's probably gonna still look like a train wreck here and there, but you'll start to notice a much greater capacity. You're gonna recognize that you don't get triggered about the same things you used to get triggered about. And the most important thing is you've changed your maturity, you've changed your motivation. The reason I say that is because you mentioning your acupunctures, this is so cool. He's saying, No, every time we argue, I just basically shut her up. Yeah. Essentially, he's showing you what he thinks is an effective strategy. And in essence, it is. He has a motive to shut up his wife. So he utilizes aggressive or big behavior to shut up his wife. So, in essence, yes, that's an effective strategy, actually is getting what he wants out of it. His motive is to win and to get his way. But if his motivation was to have a loving relationship with this woman, to have peace in his life, to have collaboration, to have a win-win experience, then it's not an effective strategy. It is an ineffective strategy. And so I'm glad that he saw that. And it's important to see the difference. Just because you're getting your way doesn't mean you're utilizing effective strategies. So what you have to do is you have to look at what's my motivation. What do I actually want? Because if you're still doing the same things and still getting the same results, then you're not actually getting what you want. That makes sense. You can say that you want you want it to go your way, but I'll tell you something. If you aren't in a relationship that's based on trust and safety and commitment and and compatibility and all the things that you've worked for, you'll never get what you want anyway. That's true. You're never ever gonna get what you want. That's true. And I feel like a lot of times we use our ineffective strategies because they seem easier. Why do they seem easier? There's less resistance to use them because they are our default training. They're the way we learned to be in the world by watching the people around us and how they survive. So if I don't even have to think about it, I can shame my husband, right? I don't even have to think about it. I can slap my it just happens. But let me tell you something. That feels like an easy solution and it feels like the right strategy to get what you think you want. But in reality, it's gonna make your life infinitely harder than if you chose a more challenging rep to do something differently in that moment, and it makes your life easier. I'll give you a good example of this. The things that we do to make our lives easier that actually make our lives way harder. Caffeine is a good example. Yep. I'm drinking caffeine because I can't wake up in the morning. I need to be awake, I need to be alert, I need to be on. Okay, you're on drugs. That's why you feel on. Okay. Well, what's gonna happen? It's gonna go, it's gonna dismantle your metabolism. You're gonna be pulling from your adrenal glands, you're gonna have chronic fatigue and depression later in the day. You're gonna feel like you get some things done here, and then you've got nothing left. And so you're gonna feel like you're procrastinating and you're failing. You're way more likely to lose your temper because you're irritable, restless, and discontent because your nervous system is in disarray from the drug that you've consumed and now are withdrawing from. That's just one thing that we do every day that we think makes our lives easier when it in facts make it makes it so much harder. So much, so harder. Alcohol, same thing. We think it makes it easier, it makes it harder. Utilizing childish behavior, we think it makes it easier, it doesn't. It makes it so much harder. It doesn't matter who you're in a relationship with, whether it's a marriage, co-parenting, whether it's a friendship or a family member. Coming from a place of desire to be the best version of yourself in all of those relationships, you want to utilize effective strategies. So asking yourself, where am I immature and being so courageous to look there? Because we're all immature in some way. I mean, I still wake up every day and I think I currently suck. I want to know. I want to know where I'm weakest so that I can become a master at that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:05

Yeah. I'm so glad you brought that up because this is something that I didn't even realize, you know, 10 years ago when I was teaching. Um I took two, probably, they were probably like 24 ounces of coffee. I took two of them to work every single day. And I would drink one in the morning and then I would drink the other one while I was doing bus duty at the end of the day, like 245-ish. So that crash, right? And I finally had another teacher that came up to me and she goes, um, I see you have a purple one in the morning and a green one in the afternoon. I was like, Yeah. And she goes, How many is that coffee in there? I was like, Yeah. And she goes, So, like, how many cups does that equate to? And I didn't, I didn't know. I'm like, I just four than I don't actually know. So when I start doing the math, if it's like 24 ounces, that's three, and and a normal cup is eight ounces, that's this is three cups. I was drinking the equivalent of six freaking cups of coffee a day. And then I would go home at night and wonder why I was still wired and couldn't like couldn't go to sleep. Because I was still jacked up on caffeine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

And not in a productive way.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Yeah, it was, yeah, it wasn't productive at all. But this is what this is what kills me is that if you really think about it, and I think that this is the problem, is that we live 95% of our life on autopilot and don't even think about like, okay, how many cups is this actually? What am I eating actually? What am I consuming actually? And in any capacity, from the radio, from you know, television, Netflix, whatever, food, drinks, etc. But like talking about Americans, we drink caffeine as an upper in the morning, and then we drink alcohol at night as a downer.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

And we drink sugar in between.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

And we eat sugar.

SPEAKER_01 18:58

And we're calling it survival, we're calling it pleasure. It's the only thing we live for.

unknown 19:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

We're so out of touch with our purpose and our unique ability to serve others and like the best of what we have in in ourselves to serve others. We're so unfulfilled that we seek pleasurable experiences. We want to feel something better than what we feel now because we don't have the maturity to get control of our lives. Our relationships are a mess. Even if you think, oh, these relationships over here are really good. It's just my wife, it's just my husband. That's the problem. I promise you, it's not. It's just where the real you comes out. Yeah. I'm just saying, okay, that's where you feel that's where you feel laziest because you know they're not going anywhere. That's usually what happens. And so I want people to understand there's a reason, just using caffeine as an example, don't want to bash on it too long, but like there's a reason they would call like a monster energy drink. Yeah. You might think you might think it means you're gonna be like this big tough monster at the gym, but honestly, it turns you into a monster by the end of the day. It really does. Yeah. No, I never thought of it. I'll tell you, I was an interesting caffeine causes is a huge producer of anxiety and agitation. And the thing is, is the person or the people you have the most contact with are the people that you're gonna blame that agitation on. So for example, Cam, if you're like my sister and I talk to you every day at 6 p.m. and I've been drinking coffee all day and not eating throughout the day, and I'm not I'm not doing so many things, I'm not fulfilled in my purpose. I actually have a 99% chance of snapping at you during that conversation and making it about you. So this is super important that we use effective strategies that we're mature enough to look at what am I actually doing by my own hand that's contributing to the chaos in my life, that's contributing to the problems in my life. It's so easy to justify my reactions. It's so easy to justify why I hate this person while never talk to them again, why they're the problem. Oh my God. It's usually not the case. It's usually coming from here. Yeah. Coming from inside you. Yeah. Until we have that ability to look and actually change it and have the humility when we can overcome that heaviest list is getting lift is getting over that arrogance. We don't want to think of ourselves as arrogant. We really don't. We want to think of ourselves as humble and kind and and good, because I think most of us are kind inside. So let's just figure out where we're being ineffective in our strategy. If I could just slow down and listen, if I could just actually hear what this person's saying to me without making it about me and without making it about something I've done wrong or being a criticism. If somebody's upset, listen because if They're upset, you either hit a wound or they don't feel heard. If you just listen and then repeat it back to them, they will calm down. Almost, I would say almost 100% of the time. Spouses don't seem to learn this lesson. They're so preoccupied with their own emotions and their own intoxication and wanting to get their way that they they can't physically listen. It's almost as if if I listen, then you won't hear me.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Yeah. And that's huge. I'm so glad that you went there because in reading your book, I've I I'm gonna start on the end of page 145 of the book and go to 146 because I read this page like six times. And every single time I was like, holy crap. So in talking about the triggers and in like hitting a wound, I also think it's a lack of care that we care more about our own triggers than we do about our partners. And so that keeps us from being able to listen. Okay, so page 145, you say that means you no longer wait for the trigger and then try to fight it. You train yourself into someone who cannot be easily knocked off center. Either you will or you won't. You are standing at a decision point, a confrontation with who you've been and who you are willing to become. Are you going all the way into your emotional sobriety or remaining in orbit around your familiar norm? If you remain undecided, hovering between a new chosen identity and intoxicated familiarity, you create the conditions for continued confusion. You now know better, but your ego does not dissolve easily. You may still be getting something from your patterns. Fear feels safe. Resentment feels like home. Blame feels easier than responsibility. The chemistry of chaos is the only form of connection you have practiced. I once told myself, you say you want peace, clarity, and joy, yet you are not doing what those require. Stop pretending they are your priority. I realize that when emotional sobriety is not pursued at the level it demands, you are not committed, you are interested. That can we just take a pause and really absorb that because I think that right there is what is missing from the entire world. We say we want one thing, but what we're doing doesn't actually support the reality we say we want. And I love that you talked about blame because it feels easier than responsibility. I was reading something the other day. There was a teacher for high school that said, listen, you guys are 14 and 15, but 150 years ago, your grandparents were married, had children, and were running an entire farm. You don't have that responsibility. So not getting your homework in, you don't you don't have an excuse. And I think that's where we've gone off the map, is that, and Ted Coach Ted O'Neill would love this, is basically we've we've become snowflakes. We've become weak trying to constantly look for and not actually training for what we say we want.

SPEAKER_01 25:03

Gosh, I just love this date. I love what you just said because what you just said proved my point. We do things that are easier, which have made our lives much harder.

SPEAKER_02 25:13

Convenience has destroyed Americans. Oh, for sure. For sure. 100%. 100%. We're little children. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:24

I want to I want to take this last this last sentence that you say, where you say, stop pretending they are your priority. How often do you feel like you are working with someone that is interested versus being committed?

SPEAKER_02 25:41

85%.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Until I get my foot far enough up their butt. I mean, it's just, yeah, most people are at least just interested in having the power over somebody else by saying they're emotionally sober just because they've read about it, or by having some kind of semblance of control in over themselves because they think they're working on it. But let me tell you something. You're not working on anything, you're avoiding it. When somebody says I'm working on it, I hear I'm currently distracted by these other things.

SPEAKER_02 26:25

Because you're either doing it or you're not.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

Whatever it is that I can yeah, it's easier done than it says it every day. It's easier done than said. We've been talking about it now for two years.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

Wouldn't it be so easier just to do it?

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Okay. Dive into that because I think I think this is something that listeners need to hear as well. Because again, common, commonplace to say it's easier, it's easier said than done. But and and coach talks about this all the time, and you said he says this every day, it's easier done than said. So talk about that.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

I'd love to. I'd love to use you as an example. I want you to think about all the time, all the conversations we had over the course of months where you would bring the exact same scenarios, situations, and circumstances over and over, and we'd have the same conversation. I said, if you just do this, that will change. And you would you would feel justified. You would feel like you had to do it the way that you've always done it. The second you did it differently, everything changed. Everything changed. So wouldn't it be safe to say or fair to say that if a year before, a few months before you had just done instead of talked about doing it, it would have been easier. Yeah. It just takes it takes that decision point. So I say to people, you're not prioritizing it, you're just interested. Emotional sobriety, maturity, and composure are very like riveting topics. They're so sexy. Think about them, very, they're very delicious. Like, man, that sounds good. Like, I want to be the most composed person in the room. Show me that you want to. Yeah. And show me that you want to because you are humility, vulnerability, all of it. All of it. Yeah. I mean, we're just utilizing that for now, like maturity in essence. But yeah, all those things go together. But I want you to think about that. If you're not using effective strategies, it's because you don't know how to think. You don't know how to use critical thinking and clarity and discernment to choose a more effective way. And so why would that be true? Because I'm sure you can utilize critical thinking in other areas. Well, it's not true because you don't have control over your body. You don't have control of your body, you don't have control of your emotional state. And until you have control over your body, by doing the things that are the foundation, like step one, remove the disruptors from your life, removing the things that you're taking in by your own hand that are dismantling your emotional state, and you're saying, it's not that, trust me, that's what addiction sounds like, by the way. Yeah. Don't take away my coffee, don't take away my sugar, don't take away my alcohol. If you aren't mature enough to remove the poison from your life that dismantles your emotional state and therefore your most important relationships and keeps you out of critical thinking, discernment, and clarity, and all the other things I'm going to talk about in a minute, you're just doing yourself and others a huge disservice and you're exposing your weakness. You are, and I'm raising my hand. I used to be very weak in this department, but you're exposing where you are the weakest version of yourself. If you're still reliant on something outside of you to give you energy, to relax you, to get you through your day, you are not strong. Yeah. You gotta remove the crutches, you gotta remove the addiction cycle. People ask me this all the time: like, Andrea, you're so committed to growth and you're so always moving forward and progressing. And I tell people, I think we're all designed for that. There's just one problem evil is real. Evil is real, and it looks like distraction and addiction at this time. Distraction and addiction. When you are on your phone constantly, when you are consuming drugs constantly, without even calling it drugs, and when you are self-centered or godless, yeah, there's no way to grow. You're gonna be convinced that you're good enough. I'm telling you right now, unless you have a consistent sense of peace in your life, you've not done enough. There's significant growth to be had. If people in your life, if there's anyone I could call that's in your close circle that doesn't feel safe with you, then you got work to do. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Not like a criticism, it's just like an invitation because I've been there. I was a nightmare. Like I said, I mean I'm the first person to tell you guys. I am, I was insane. I I was not a mature, composed person. I was terrible in romantic relationships. I was a liar, I was manipulative, I was critical, I was jealous. I've said it all before, but I love to flaunt my failures so that you don't feel alone because my defensiveness and my child is. Oh my gosh, I was just, I was really, really hard to take. But I was a good person. See what I'm saying? Like, yeah, I centered with still me. Yeah. And no one else could believe it. Andrea, there's no way. There's no way that you're defensive or you're childish. Trust me, I was. And it took training to get better. But more important than that, it took prioritizing it. What does it mean to prioritize something, you guys? What does it mean? What does priority mean? Priority means to put first. To me, emotional sobriety comes before using the bathroom. That's a priority.

SPEAKER_00 32:36

I've always said that you have to want it more than you want to breathe. Like that, that is the priority. You have to want it more than you want to breathe. And honestly, I think it took. So I started with you, what, in April? And I I definitely didn't prioritize it. I was interested. The decision point came because I had had, and when you were saying earlier, like coming to you with the same exact circumstances, I want listeners to understand they it the nuances were not the same. The details of the argument were not the same. But again, what I tell my clients all the time is the problem is not the problem. The problem is deeper than the problem. So if you look at it, it's not, you're not fighting about money. You're not fighting about, you know, childcare. You're not fighting about who loaded the dishes in the dishwasher wrong. You're fighting over your own emotional in sobriety, your own self-beliefs, your um your triggers, your what you want that you're not getting, something that's deeper than that. And so again, had another argument that was like huge. And it was one of those situations where it was, okay, that like that was the decision point of something has got to change because I don't want to live like this anymore. And it was like it was big enough. And it's remember what the argument was about. It doesn't even matter. Like it was just it was probably something small and stupid. But it was that point where it was that I don't want this anymore. I want a different life.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

The small and stupid turn into monumental gaping wounds. Yeah. Because they expose your monumental gaping wounds. And I don't want to sound all sensitive and new agey about this. I want you to understand. Your wounds are just the way that you've always believed and perceived things about yourself that create a ton of chemistry when you experience it. I'm not good enough, I'm not important, I'm not perfect. I have to be perfect to be loved. If I'm not loved, I'm not safe. If I'm not perfect, I'm not safe. I'm gonna be abandoned, I'm gonna be tricked, I'm gonna be betrayed. I don't have anyone on my side, I'm alone in the world. That could be over nothing. Hey, move the barbecue, could turn into a devastation in your body. Yeah. Your brain doesn't see it as a barbecue, your brain sees it as betrayal.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

And that's a huge problem. And you can exceed the problem because your problems become predictable. If you know that feeling when the tension changes in the room, that's that's a problem that's predictable. You know exactly where it's gonna go. Why? Because the past shows you the future, unless something magical takes place in between, right? So there's a solution. But what you're describing is there's all these different unique situations, there's all these different ways he said it, but you don't understand because then there's also this influential part, and there's there's the bank account, but then there's also my college education, and there's also the kids, and there's also the way that his mom is toward me. All of it doesn't matter. It's a different situation, it's the same in sobriety, it's a different situation, it's the same in maturity. You can't handle your life. You have to get stronger in the areas that you can't handle. If you can't carry a suitcase, you're not strong enough. It's not a personal criticism. It is not even attack, it's just observation and objectivity. If I can't carry a 50-pound suitcase, I'm not strong enough to carry 50 pounds. If I start training and I now can carry a hundred-pound suitcase, that 50-pound suitcase is nothing to me. Yeah. What used to completely derail my life, send me into a tailspin, make me abuse my partner, make me avoid my kids. If that isn't even on the table because I'm so strong, think of all the energy, time, money, and experiences I'm saving. Think of how much I can actually connect to my truer purpose because I'm not always thinking about me and my predictable problems. Yeah. It's just that voice in your head that justifies it. It's like, no, you should be hateful. You should have revengeful thoughts. You should be devastated. All of it, you just have to get stronger than the way that you're thinking now. Freedom. So I'm really obsessed with this.

SPEAKER_00 37:36

No, I love it. It it's it's interesting because the more that I read about it, the more that I learn about it, the more that I train for it, and the more that I do look back and see how much it's changed my life, the more obsessed I become about it as well. Because I want this for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 37:54

Yeah. Well, what's more gratifying than having chosen peace knowing that you're safe no matter where you go, because you're the like I'm I know who's gonna take care of me. I'm not needy, I'm not self-centered. I'm thinking, what's the best I have to help others? And how can I access that at every moment? But I think that the easiest little buyout, little hack I can give to you guys is just asking yourself, is this the most effective way that I can think about this? Is this the most effective way that I can handle this? Is this the most effective way to say this? Yeah, and you will quickly come up with a more effective way to do all those three things. Because what you're really asking is, what's the most mature way to handle this? And you don't have to be perfect, you're not gonna be highly skilled and be like, I know exactly what to do right now, but you're gonna get thinking differently, and you're gonna be calling yourself out more and calling yourself up. Like I said before, there's nothing sexier than emotional sobriety and maturity, yeah, and you have no idea how successful your life could look like outside of money, although you do make more money, but outside of money, your life is so much more fulfilling and your relationships are actually real. Because a lot of us think we have real relationships just because we're in them. Yes, dig into this. Just because you're in a relationship does not mean it's a real relationship. That was a really interesting wake-up call for me. And I remember it happened early on in my relationship with my current husband, where we weren't married yet, and he said something to me like, when we get into this like conflict, it's as if I don't even need to be here. I I could be anyone else in the world. I'm not even a part of the relationship. That's how self-centered I was. I've already decided what he's thinking, what his intentions are, how he's hurt me or will hurt me, how I'll be victimized by it, and already end punishment or shame on my end, so that I can control his behaviors, emotions, feelings, etc. There's no individual person there. There's a projection of who I want him to be or who I think he should be, so that I feel the most comfortable, so that I don't have to grow, so that I don't have to look at where I'm weak, so I don't have to look at where my deficits are. And I just want you to understand if you're always having super happy, easygoing relationships with people, it's probably because you have a level of compatibility and not a lot of responsibility. So, for example, friends, you have almost no responsibility in friends with friends. You know, you don't have to pay for anything for them. You don't have a mortgage with them, you don't have kids with them. You don't have huge life-giving or life-taking choices that you make with them. And so it's easy just to be relaxed and let them be themselves. You don't need to control them. You don't feel that compulsion. But with your romantic partner, it seems to be the most impactful relationship that makes us our worst. And you can see it too, because the beginning of your relationship, the first few months of a relationship, it feels just like it does with friends. Only you're really attracted to them.

unknown 41:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:39

You get to have sex with them. All of these things feel really good. Really, really good to the ego, really good to the nervous system. It feels like the one. Finally, I found somebody I feel safe with. You feel safe with them because there's no responsibility yet. You feel safe because you can practice any identity you want in this new relationship. You could just tie a cape around your neck and be like, this is who I am. It's not going to end up feeling that way a year from now or two years from now. Because regardless, your weaknesses will eventually be exposed. You can't sustain that high level of performance when other pieces of life hit you. Money, kids, job, travel, emotional insobriety, all of that. So, what I recommend to people is especially when you're first dating somebody, and if you're married, awesome. Because you can't buy history. Yes. So true. Nothing is more valuable. Oh my God, nothing's more valuable than history. It seems like the grass is greener. It's not. It's greener where you decide it's greener. Nope. Yep. This is where I'm putting my lawn. Yeah, I got it. Because, yeah, sure, these things, these parts suck. But if they suck, what does that mean? Remember what I ask myself every morning? Where do I currently suck? If something sucks in your life, it's because you suck in that area. And that's cool. That's like the best news ever. That's like a cupcake for breakfast. You're just like, I'm up. I recognize I'm not getting along with my friend, my husband, or my wife because I suck in this area. Even if I think it's them, I can always find where I can get better. And that is so empowering. That's what empowerment is. And that's what responsibility is. I'm not saying go up to your wife and say, you know what? I'm responsible for everything wrong in this marriage. I blame myself for everything. That's not what responsibility is. It's I'm responsible for who I've been in this marriage. Yeah. I'm responsible for my behaviors, my emotions, my weaknesses. I'm responsible for My choices, I'm responsible for not choosing more effective strategies. Because why? I didn't use critical thinking and discernment because I didn't have control over my body. Because I didn't have emotional sobriety. Because I wasn't aligned with a very fulfilling purpose. I didn't know who I was, and I didn't know who you were. I didn't know that the unique qualities that you possess are something that I need to balance me out in a marriage. Because when you get married, you are like one person. So you better bring people together that are unique. What do they say? That you're greater than the sum of your parts. Yep. If you bring two people together and you have unique character traits, unique skill sets and strengths, and you utilize each other's without judging each other for being different, without being frustrated with each other for doing things a different way than you would. Now you have collaboration. Now you have a superpower. You can divide and conquer. You can take over the world because it's like having five people in your marriage. Yeah, it is. It is so powerful. Turning toward each other with that new motivation of maturity and composure and truly choosing to be kind and protect the person. When you're focusing on protecting someone else, you're automatically safer. Like if I was a husband, I'd be all I would do is make sure my wife knew she was safe with me, she could trust me, and that I thought she was beautiful. It's that easy.

SPEAKER_00 45:40

It really is that easy. And what's interesting to me is, and actually, Mo and I were having this conversation last night. When you become emotionally sober, you actually love people so much more deeply. And he asked me why that was, and I was like, I don't actually know the answer to that question. So can you because you're in reality?

SPEAKER_01 46:09

Yes, I can. Well, one thing when you're mostly sober, you're present for the first time. You have so much gratitude. You're not stuck in self, you're not constantly flooded with negative emotion. You feel high all the time. You have a connection, a spiritual connection that is much stronger, and you're more altruistic. You have this ability to see people and understand. And when you become emotionally sober, this is the biggest part. You reach a level of humility, exposes all the places that you've sucked and made mistakes, and helps you understand other people infinitely better when you do that. And so when you see somebody else who's still struggling in that infancy of their struggles and their weaknesses and their immaturity, it's like you see through it in a different way. You have more patience, and you just you just it's not like loving a little kid, but it's similar. It's like you see their essence because it's what they're doing isn't about you. And so I know you've told me that you love Mo way more than you did even when you were together, and it's totally different.

SPEAKER_00 47:22

And I think you know, when you when you get with somebody and like you were talking about earlier, and like you think you love them and you think they're the one, and you um, but again, it it goes back to priorities too, is that when you become emotionally sober, your priorities almost change, and you are you're so humble and come like you see them with a compassion that you never had before because you're not thinking about yourself. But also, yeah, like you you do. You just you just love that person so much more that when you look back, you realize that your love wasn't even love, it was just choice and infatuation.

SPEAKER_02 48:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:11

Yeah, like this person's good looking and and we have fun together, you know? I I think that everything else in the beginning of a relationship, because I've I've coached couples for years, and I've not met one couple that said, we sat down and we asked ourselves, like, what are we gonna be about? What are our principles? What are our values? What are our non-principles? How are we what's our mission? How are we gonna overcome hardship together? Yeah, what happens if we lose all our money? What happens if we make a ton of money? Who are we gonna be together? What's our commitment? What's our absolute no and our absolute yes? And that doesn't change. No one does that. And if we were just to do that, first of all, most of us aren't even mature enough to make those decisions. That's why my husband and I always say no one's really qualified to be in a romantic relationship. I say that to you. But you can be, you can qualify yourself while you're in a relationship. And it's so beautiful watching two unqualified people who've experienced the consequence of being unqualified and making that leap, anyways, and unfortunately having kids too, and the pain that they have to endure because of our lack of qualification. But watching those two people overcome themselves together and doing it with grace and watching them hate each other and then be totally understanding and then hate each other, and then having a huge humble experience and reconnecting more than they ever could have had they not made mistakes. And so it's really a process. And I think what you're describing is why do I love him more now? If you're emotionally unsober, you're really driving from a place of selfishness and self-centeredness. You're driving from a place of opinion, your own perspective, you're from a selfishness, a neediness, like fill my fill my voids, you know, give me the attention, make sure that I'm safe. You're coming from a place of arrogance and you're coming from a place of a lot of hate. Yeah, most of the time, or victimality. And so when all that's gone, or even when 50% of that is gone, it's like a new world. And so I really want people to understand that it doesn't matter how horrible your situation looks right now. My husband and I have laughed at how bad our relationship looked at one time, and we've gotten way past like there's not another human being that I would want to be married to. Yeah. It's just, it wouldn't, it wouldn't even work. Like I've recognized I've, you know, back in the dating years, I dated some kind people and some good people, but I needed something different that only he could provide. It's nothing against those people. It's just that this man has this ability to one, make sure that I grow and I'm gonna grow more than anyone else. I literally am gonna be the most full-grown version I could be because of him. So when I say choosing your partner or recommitting to your current partner, make sure these three things are there. One, I know that no one else, I'm not gonna grow with anyone else as much as I know I'll grow with this person. That is the most important. Everything else can be earned. The next one is I know, I know, even with the crazy, I respect this person more than I'm gonna respect anyone else in the world. There's just something about them. I look up to them, you know? Like they always make me, they make me feel like I'm proud that they picked me because of their respectability. It's not even about like I'm proud to show them off. I'm proud that they picked me because I know they have high standards.

unknown 52:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:05

Especially now, especially knowing how crazy I can be. They still, I'm just so into this person. The last one is love, choosing to love that person more than anyone else in the world. And but notice I said choosing. Because it is a choice, it's a choice. So here's an example of this. So I have a unique belief around flying in an airplane. I decided when I was very young that it's terrifying and I should never do it. I don't know where that came from. Maybe it was my grandma, maybe it was doesn't matter, terrified of flying. So I have these opportunities that come up for me where I can fly and I can travel and I can speak, or I can travel and I could help people, or I could travel and learn from my own mentors. I can, there's all these opportunities for me, but I have to travel away from my hometown to get there. So if I let my fear of flying or my leaf that I shouldn't fly get in the way of that, is that coming from a place of strength or weakness?

SPEAKER_02 53:05

Weakness. Coming from a place of weakness.

SPEAKER_01 53:09

When I'm utilizing a mature outlook or a different strategy, a more effective strategy, I would always want to choose strength. Right. Because every time I choose strength, I'm getting stronger. Which means I can lift that 50-pound suitcase a lot easier. So I've decided that I love flying. I just decided. I love it. I found that easy. Yeah. And I found all the things I can love about it. Oh my God, okay, I'm I'm up high. I mean, I'm up in the angels territory. I'm I'm hanging out in the clouds. Nobody can get a hold of me. I can relax. No one needs me right now. There's nothing I can do. I can sleep, I can write, I can create. I'm way safer than if I was driving. Maybe I meet somebody who's cool on the flight. And I love airports. I just don't like flying. But I'm changing that just by deciding. And if there was ever anything, like maybe we hit turbulence and I'm like, oh God, we hit turbulence. What if I liked that? What if I was confident and composed in the moment of turbulence? Who would I be then? How would I experience it then? You can do the same thing with your partner. I could actually become somebody who's like a jet setter, who's like, I can't, I'm bored, can I come visit you? Like, I gotta get out, you know? I could become that person just by deciding because there's plenty of things to love about your partner. Plenty. Or you never would have married them.

SPEAKER_00 54:38

Yeah, that's true. No, it's that simple. And this is this is what makes me it almost makes me laugh with with all of the couples that I work with is that they will come to me with so much negative sentiment override where nothing their partner does is right. There's just so much judgment and expectation there. And by the time they're j they're done, they've gotten over that. But in those moments, I'm like, do you not see, you know, how they help and how they're they're kind to you and how they, you know, like this man gives you a foot rub every single night and you're still griping about him? Like, I'm sorry, what? Like, I'm I don't know. It just it doesn't now that I'm on the other side of it, I also see how I did the same thing in my own marriage. How I saw everything as like you you did nothing right. You you like you can't even load the dishwasher right. What the heck? You know? And now I'm like, who who gives a shit? Like, if the dishes aren't clean, run it again. Like, who cares? You know what I mean? Yeah, it's just so much easier.

SPEAKER_01 55:38

What you just described is kind of a really simple way for me to explain this next concept. And that's when we're unhappy in our marriage, just like when we're unhappy with another political party or whatever, we're unhappy that that person isn't us.

SPEAKER_02 55:56

Yeah. Now I want you to think about it better.

SPEAKER_01 56:00

I want you to think about that. I want you to really get real with yourself and let this humble you a little bit, because that's why I'm here. Think of the arrogance in that statement.

SPEAKER_02 56:12

When you don't like the way your partner does something, the way that they've done it before they even met you. Then you just married somebody to create another you. And that's not effective. That's not a ineffective strategy.

SPEAKER_01 56:35

Plus trust me, trust me, you don't want two of you. That is not effective either. Two of you is just one plus one is two, it's not one plus one is five. Because you have a unique contribution. Now we got somewhere to go. Let me just qualify this because there are people that suck at putting stuff in the in the dishwasher. I'm one of those people. I don't even use the dishwasher. I am like dishwasher deficit galore. I am not, I'm not your girl. I'm also not a great cook. There's a seat. Somebody has a seat in every problem, in every issue, in every job. Somebody's best for that job. And it's the same in marriage, it's the same with domestic work, it's the same with everything in your company and with your teams. The most, that's why it's so essential and the most effective strategies that we teach in integrated human mastery at Lifted Academy. If you don't have physical command, your command over your body, your cravings, compulsions, and mental obsessions, you can never have clarity, critical thinking, and discernment. And what does that clarity and critical thinking and discernment do? Well, it allows you to open your bandwidth. Now you can handle way more information. So you can do things like emotional sobriety work. Now we can tackle the more complex level of emotion. Once we have emotional sobriety, we are free of self-centeredness and all of our arrogance. And now all of a sudden, we can have a connection to God. A real one. Trust me, if you're not emotionally sober and you think you have a relationship with God, let's get an upgrade because it's going to be something you never expected.

SPEAKER_00 58:24

Never.

SPEAKER_01 58:25

Okay. Yeah. I can attest to that. The spiritual strength that comes from emotional sobriety, it's the difference between having faith and not having faith. So let's have faith. Once you have those things, well, and of course, this all goes without saying, but I'm going to say it. You have a purpose. You know your unique purpose, your unique design. You know that your husband is a um need satisfier, but you are an injustice equalizer. You're two totally different, you have two totally different convictions or two different natural advantages. One's a teacher and one is an overseer, right? One's a builder and one is a truth teller. They're all different by design to give you a unique experience in the world and to be collaborative and to forward the progression of the human being. So if we don't know each other's purpose, we just get frustrated because you load the dishwasher wrong. Do you? Or do you do it in a different way? Or is it just not your purpose? Is it not aligned with the way you're designed? Somebody who's a need satisfier in the way that we define purpose is going to be a much better loader of the dishwasher than somebody who is a desire fulfiller. They might be better at creating the dinners. So it's knowing your role in the most essential way, not just you're the woman or you're the man or whatever. It doesn't matter. Your purpose is what matters. And when you do those jobs, you're going to be so much more fulfilled because it's in alignment with what you want to do. It's the best of what you have. And when you do what you're good at, you're going to have fulfillment. How many of you out there know the sweet spot that I'm talking about? You come home and you literally feel like you have a cape on. You're like, I leave and work. I'm like, I rocked it today. I helped that person, or I just got off this call and totally changed their life, or I helped my kid through that like a total pro. That's part of your purpose. Yeah. You just need to learn how to you just need to learn how to name it because once you know it, you can do it every second. So purpose, physical command, critical thinking and discernment, emotional sobriety and emotional fluency, spiritual strength. What does that do? It brings us to relational strength or relational mastery. Now, all of a sudden, all of my relationships are easy. Even my spouse and me have an easy relationship. That's my person right there. They're my best friend. I know I'm going to grow with them more than anyone else. I know I respect them more than anyone else, even with our horribly painful history. Our future's looking great. And I know that I love them more than anyone else because I keep choosing them. I keep choosing them the same way I'm choosing a love flying so that I can have a greater life and more experiences and opportunities. And what happens when you have relational mastery? Well, you've saved so much time, so much energy, so much money, and you have so much fulfillment. Now you have societal leadership. Now people see you in a group and they come stand right next to you. They're like, Who are you? You don't even have to talk. They just want you to lead them. They're like your energy, how you hold yourself, your composure, the way you handle that, the way that you, the way that you know, present yourself to the world with dignity and with poise, and the way that you treat other people, it comes so naturally. They start to become so attracted to you, and you can become a far greater leader. I've never actually heard of a great leader who's known for their immaturity. Say or their lack of composure. When you think of the greatest leaders, the most effective leaders, composure, maturity, humility, because the strengths are harder to attain. That's why you have to be strong to attain them. So these are all super very effective strategies. When we have all of those things under control, when we've integrated our human experience, our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, that can take complete dependence out of our life. I'm not, I'm now not dependent on my wife or my husband. I'm independent. I still choose my partner because they make my life so much even better and more exciting. And I can, I can help more people, I can have more effect over my kids, I can give my kids a better life. I can help them, I can help my spouse become the best, most amazing, impactful version of themselves on this planet because you don't have a lot of time on this planet. So you gotta be as effective and as impactful as you can to do so. In the time that you have. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:24

I love it. And if you're listening and you're like, well, she just explained, you know, nine different concepts. I don't need to read the book. Now, no, no, no, no, no. She gave a high-level overview of these concepts. The the thing that I love about the composure challenge is that it's it's short. You know, it's not 400, 500 pages. I mean, we're talking like 185. Yeah, my first book was very long. Yes, it it is also, it's effective though. I mean, like it's it was it's needed. So that's important. But the thing that I love about the composure challenge is it's short enough that you can read it in, you know, a week, if even if you're, you know, a terrible reader. And also that it's it's simplified enough that you don't feel like an idiot, but you you do leave each chapter being like, okay, this is exactly how I do this. Got it. So, like strengths and weaknesses. That was one of the most effective, you know, strategies that I absolutely love that you put in the book and you talk about that in depth. Of everything that we do comes from a place of strength or weakness. Every thought, every decision, every every thing that you consume, everything comes from a place of strength or weakness. And so, you know, exactly how to look at the different things that you're doing in your life, how to how to break down your entire life as a whole and know what you're doing and and whether the majority of your life is coming from a place of strength or weakness. And that's just one concept out of so many that are in here. So I absolutely love that.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:56

I feel like a lot of it wasn't what we talk about in the book. It was that was a great, that was a great podcast without even talking about the book much. We could do a whole other one on a chapter.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:09

I know, I know, I know. And and that's, I mean, of course, we'll have you back on. If you and I can get our schedules to align. That was that was crazy. Um, as far as one of the things that I absolutely love about there too, about about this book too is that you have a whole section in there, a whole chapter dedicated to repairing with others. That is something that most marriages do not have. And that is so important. Repair is so vital. So that was that's one of the things that if you get the book for nothing else, like make sure you know how to repair for the love of God.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:49

Oh, wow. I mean, here's the thing talk about effective strategies. If you are in discord with your partner or with anyone in your life, And you just look at what did I do? What did our what did I do that that could have potentially hurt them? And if they're talking to you loud enough, it's because they're upset, which means they were hurt. Most of the time angry, but we're really sad. We're really hurt. We're really embarrassed. We're either sad, afraid, or embarrassed. Most of the time in marriages, especially, it's embarrassment because we want our partner to think we're perfect. We want it, we want our partner to be proud of us. We want them to, they, we want them to love us more than anyone else in the world loves us. And when there's any kind of conflict, it feels like they don't love us anymore. Think about how immature and and uh ineffective that is. Instead of, hey, I need you to treat me this way because I want to stay in this relationship with you, or because I think you're such a great person that this is just one area that I get hurt. We see it as this is it, this is the end, I'm devastated, or I'm embarrassed, I'm a total loser, I'm a piece of crap, I can't believe I can ever do anything right, I might as well just leave.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:06

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. And I see it every day. And this is what I help couples work their house.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:16

Just saying, here's what I did, I'm sorry about that. And here's what I'm gonna do to make sure it doesn't happen again, or that it happens way less often.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:28

And if it does happen, it's gonna be less severe, or I'll catch it sooner. I won't do it for three hours, I'll do it for three minutes, and I'll catch it sooner. And then I just I'll almost do it and I won't do it. And so just know, like, I think a lot of our conflict in marriages comes from the hopelessness and the helplessness around our belief that we can change. And so we might as well just leave. I mean, how many times have you heard couples say, I'm I'm just gonna leave? We're never gonna get through this. That's a combination of hopelessness, helplessness, and just your overwhelming emotional intoxication. And the feeling like, I can't, I can't get through this heavy lift. Even if I think I know what to do next, I can't make that choice right now. You are literally in an addictive spiral where you do not have the power of choice and you are going to choose to flee the situation. The brain sees it as a life-threatening thing. And so it will just ask you to leave. How many couples do you know who threaten divorce or separation whenever they fight? Every single one of them that came to me that has come to me so far, hundreds. Yeah. And it not only does it create a devastation in the person who hears it, but just recognize when you hear it, it's because the other person is devastated.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:45

So as we wrap up here, what is the la like, what is the one thing that you want people to know about maturity, about the composure challenge, about emotional sobriety?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:01

I want people to know that they are built for more.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:06

They just need the right map.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:12

So my second book called The Composure Challenge is exactly that. I'm challenging you to become the most composed version of yourself. Think of it as you are the most composed person in every room at work, at home, and in your community, and really tapping into that maturity level that you didn't even realize you were lacking. Yeah. Because when you can fill in the gaps of that in that immaturity, if you can fill in the gaps, your life will become so much easier and fulfilling. And I was born to help people do this. I feel like it is my life and my destiny. And so if anyone needs my help, you can email me, Andrea at liftedacademy.com. Just know that you're not alone. You're not alone. I love you. You are totally supported, and I know you can do this, or I wouldn't challenge you to do it. Love it. Love it.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:14

And I I am a living, walking testimony of it. So yeah. And absolutely that she said is absolutely true, you guys. Like your life does become so much more peaceful, fulfilling. The gratitude, I've never in my life been so grateful that it's brought me to tears. And that has actually happened a few times over the last couple of months. So um it it's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. So thank you so much for being here today. I appreciate you so much all the time. I mean, I know we talk almost every day, but I just appreciate you and appreciate you being on. Hopefully, people will be brave and sign up and and become emotionally sober because it is by far the easiest decision that you will ever make if you're actually making the decision and not just being interested.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:10

Yeah, absolutely. And I hope to see you at our next marriage retreat. Maybe you could speak there. It'd be so great. It would be super great. I would love that.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:19

Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:24

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