Married and Connected

Ep 150: What True Self-Love Actually Looks Like (With Victoria Icenhower)

• Kameran Al-Areqi • Season 11 • Episode 9

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Getting a massage, buying a new handbag, or booking a facial are all fantastic—but they aren’t self-love.

In this episode of the Married and Connected Podcast, Kameran is joined by Victoria Icenhower, "The Self-Love Scientist," relationship coach, and host of the Love & Lattes Podcast. Together, they strip away the shallow, highly marketed aesthetic of "self-care" and dive into the messy, raw, and deeply liberating reality of true self-love.

Victoria shares her personal journey of navigating a painful divorce, realizing she had been completely married to the expectations of others, and learning how to build a relationship with herself from the ground up. They explore the profound impact that self-knowledge has on intimacy, how emotional bypass holds us back, and why a lack of intimacy in marriage often stems from being completely disassociated from your own body.

If you've ever felt like you "lost yourself" in your marriage, or if you're tired of settling for mediocre, grayscale intimacy, this conversation is the tactical wake-up call you need.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

  • The Reality of Self-Love: Why true self-love requires sitting in your own stuff and being brutally honest about the relationships in your life.
  • The Danger of Emotional Bypassing: How we lie to ourselves daily to minimize our own pain and make excuses for poor boundaries.
  • The Sexual Disconnection Epidemic: Why so many women are performing in the bedroom rather than experiencing true pleasure.
  • Vulnerability & Humility as Turn-Ons: Why dropping the pressure to perform and having honest, post-intimacy conversations changes the entire game.
  • Rewiring for the Best-Case Scenario: How to shift your mindset from a victimhood loop into intentional confidence and gratitude.
  • The 15-Minute Check-In Rule: Why regular, distraction-free checking in matters vastly more than extravagant, over-planned date nights.

Mentioned in this Episode:

Connect with Victoria Eisenhower:

Connect with Kameran:

  • Email: coaching@recognizingpotential.com
  • Leave a Review: If this conversation challenged or inspired you, please take 60 seconds to leave a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts. Let us know if you want to hear more guest expert sessions!

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SPEAKER_02

What are you feeding your mind right now? If it's social media, are you tired of doom scrolling through the angry comment sections and political rants yet? What if you use that time to actually fix your marriage? Welcome to the free married and connected school community. It's like social media, but without the ads, without the judgment, and without the noise. Just real self-paced tools that get you out of that roommate phase starting today. Inside, you get an exact blueprint for a weekly State of the Union meeting with your spouse. We're cutting mental load, we're stopping miscommunications, and we're breaking that exhausting loop of doom argument once and for all. Plus, you get instant access to workshops on overcoming resentment and bringing the actual fun back into your marriage. We have a dedicated space just for guys jumping into forging fortitude. It's a 10-week intensive to help you step into your masculine leadership and become the husband and man that God called you to be. And for ladies joining Edifying Eden, we're stepping out of that controlling, nagging era into our soft, nurturing feminine era. Even if your husband hasn't taken the reins yet. Either way, you can take responsibility for your side of the street. Stop scrolling the internet and start investing in your home. The community is 100% free with options to purchase certain courses. Click the link in the show notes and join the Married and Connected school community today. I'll see you inside. Marriage isn't supposed to feel like roommates, but it doesn't have to feel like a war either. Hi, I'm Cameron Alaricki, certified marriage coach and a relationship expert. Every week on Married and Connected, I bring you real talk, hard truths, and practical tools you can start using right away. Whether you've been married two years or 42, this is where you'll find hope, encouragement, and steps that actually work. So let's make your marriage feel good again, starting right now. Hey friends, welcome back to another episode of the Married and Connected Podcast. I'm your host, Cameron Alaricki. Today we are talking to the self-love scientist. Victoria Eisenhower is with us, and she is passionate about pleasure, relationships, healing, and we are gonna dig into all of that. She's had life experience, education, exposure, all of the things that make her a complete expert in this field. And so we're going to talk about what self-love really is today. So, Victoria, welcome. I'm super excited to have you.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you, Cameron. I'm very excited to be here and dive into our conversation.

SPEAKER_02

So the first thing that I want to just kind of debunk for everybody, I think self-love is one of those hot takes where it's really popular, but I think a lot of people think that it's like getting your nails done or getting a massage or going to bed at a decent time at night, like that kind of thing. What is your take on self-love? What is it and how did you find it?

SPEAKER_00

That's a great question. And to be honest with you, those things are wonderful. Like getting a good night's sleep is a form, a tiny, tiny bit form of self-love because it is something that you're doing to better your body and your mind. My take is self-love and where it came from. It is the relationship that you are building, nurturing constantly, you know, this is a never-ending process with yourself. This is a focus on integrating what is important to you, what matters most to you, your deepest desires, and acting on them, you know, aligning yourself with your purpose, aligning yourself with your passions. This is all a part of self-love. And like that's, you know, getting your nails done, like huge fan. And I guess I was saying like huge fan of getting the nails done. But you can, you know, you can get your, you know, and this is just from personal experience. I love me of facial. Um, however, I also have to sit with like my you have to sit in your own shit too. Like you gotta be self-love is being honest. You know, some folks hear self-love and they're like, well, you know, I just need a self-care day, I'm gonna treat myself today. And I'm like, yes. And like, have you sat down and like just really took a good picture about all the relationships in your life? How is this one doing? How are you doing overall? Like, really, like, are you lined up with your things? Because people's interests change and relationships change, and we're so good. This is a very common thing I see, and I myself experienced that, you know, we'll put ourselves last. And self-love is a version of prioritizing yourself. It is not selfish, it is something that, you know, it's very slowly people are beginning to recognize that, you know, as a human being, not a human being, that you do matter. And the things that you want in life are not silly, it's not too much, you're not asking for too much. You're you really do deserve to live a life and you really deserve to have it all, but you can't have it all until you sit with it and you start nurturing on it because you're the only one who can really start that spark.

SPEAKER_02

So many great things to break down there. Um, I love that you started with the fact that people have to be honest with themselves because we talk a lot about emotional sobriety on the on the podcast. And one of the things that I think people don't realize is that, you know, you you may think that you're honest, but how many times do you lie to yourself a day? Oh, I don't need, you know, I can swap, I can have another Coke instead of water. I can, I'm not that dehydrated. I haven't, it hasn't been that long since I've been to the gym, you know, things like that. But also, how often do we not sit in our shit and we bypass it and then we also make excuses for it? So how oh, it's you know, it wasn't that bad what they did to me. It wasn't that bad what they said. It didn't hurt, you know. I I know that I'm struggling here, but like there are other people that have it worse than me. And that's not being self-honest. Like it's not, you're just you're just bypassing, you're just making excuses for it. And that's that's a really big part of it. I also like that you talked about, I've never actually heard the definition that you gave. So I love that your definition of it as opposed to the popular definitions that are out there. That's incredible. So talk a little bit about your experience and how, because I know you're divorced as well. Did you find because I know that this was something that I really experienced was that the age-old adage of you can't love other people until you love yourself is absolutely true. Did you find that as well?

SPEAKER_00

I do agree with that. Um, and I do think it is a very powerful, powerful statement. The way I reflected on it was, you know, I was so focused on wanting everybody else's validation around me, I lost the relationship, the connection with myself in the process. Didn't even know I was supposed to have one, also like just like a reminder at a young age, we didn't even know that, like, wait a minute, we're so b, like we're just so caught up in like wanting to be seen. And I get it, like it feels so good to be seen. It feels so good to be chosen. But at the end of the day, where a lot of things can be temporary or a lot of the unexpected things happen, the moment you realize that you do matter and you start recognizing your worth, and then it just kind of hits you. Like for me, I realized I was like, oh my God, I don't even love myself. I'm way more married to the idea of busting my ass in the workspace. I'm doing things I don't want to be doing, I'm picking up habits, have relationships I don't even want to be in. Like that's that's not healing, that's hurting, it's damaging. Nobody's winning here. And then you're you're sitting there asking yourself, why does this keep happening to me? You know, people say, like, oh, there's no good people, or I'm just, you know, well, it happens because, you know, some negative connotation about themselves. And it's it's not true. But at some point, you know, you you may have been made to feel that way. So when you really do, again, like we said at the beginning, you kind of sit with it, you're like, holy crap. Like for me, it was, oh my God, I don't even love myself. So where do I begin? And you start realizing like all the things, you know, for me in that moment, it was everything I had built my life around was around the expectations of someone else. And when I finally those things, it was like, why am I still so miserable? Why do I feel so lost or disconnected? Why can't I experience this pleasure that deep down, like, you know, deep down, we all want like the the love, the pleasure, the the whatever form of luxury looks like to you, you know, whether it's a handbag, a vacation, or just like the pleasure, pleasurable intimacy with a partner. It's like, well, why can't I have that? Why not you? So go start, you know, start there. And for me, it was after you know, I went through the divorce and it felt like I was, you know, breathing for the first time. I was like, I'm finally on my own two feet, my feet are in the dirt. What am I gonna do? Oh my god. All the feelings, like it was a lot of things that come up because I'm starting from the very beginning all over again. And this is something that people also experience in breakups where because you had a plan, you did, and now it's like, oh shit, I like literally just planned my future and I saw so much potential, blah, blah, blah. And now I gotta start all over, and it sucks. So I'm not saying, you know, because some people are like, oh, just go, you know, get back out there. The best way to get over someone is to get under. It's like, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, no, no. What is it I do want to experience?

SPEAKER_00

And it's not just, you know, oh, I want to have the the fashion or I want to have the luxury and the money. I love that. Like, yes, call in the money, call in the jobs, call in whatever you want, but you have to start rewiring your nervous system. You gotta refix this relationship with yourself because it's so wound up, or it's so in in some ways, like you said, we're so good at comparing, like, well, it wasn't really that bad. Yes, it was, honey. Yes, it was like your heart is closed right now, and you gotta open it back up. And the only way you will be able to even, like, you know, kind of going back, I know this is a long answer, but like you said, in order for yourself to be received or to open up that capacity to love again, is you have to lead yourself there at your own pace. There is no rushing this, like, you know, some people get out of a divorce and two months later meet their partner, or two weeks later meet their dream partner, but it's not like that for everybody. There is no scale. There's that's an anomaly, right? And so, like you said, you know, in order for you to love someone, you have to love yourself. 100%. My my some of the relationships I've had in the past that were amazing were only at that capacity because of the things I had put in, the work I did for myself. And it it is a continual process, you know. You have to at the end of the day, you have to sit down because you're the one who's going to sleep at night. Like, yeah, do you go to sleep with gratitude or do you go to sleep loathing? Like, what's what's that up? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I think one of the things that you said in there, you know, talking about like going through a divorce and stuff, a lot of times when I'm coaching people, I'll hear, like, well, I just I I've lost myself in this marriage. I've lost myself. And it often makes me wonder, and I'd like to hear your take on this too. It makes me wonder how often we even know ourselves before we get into a relationship or before we even get married. And so I'm wondering how much of it is that we've lost ourselves, or how much of it is that we don't know ourselves, and especially don't know ourselves for who we are now. Because, like, for I mean, for women, we change every time we have a kid, every time we move cities, every time we change jobs, you know.

SPEAKER_00

So, I mean, what what's your take on that? My take would be there's this saying where people will only meet you as deeply as you've met yourself. Yeah. So if you get into a relationship where you get married and everybody's experiences are different, it depends on you know the thing, like the choices you're making. Because sometimes we do things and you won't even realize it. Because again, love is such a powerful thing. Like, you might end up moving and quitting your job for this person. You might be doing some wild shit. And then you wonder why, like, why am I feeling so stuck? Or, like you said, like you have a baby, and for me it was, you know, I have the house, I have the the job, I have the husband, but why am I like, why do I just feel so like and now I feel, you know, my life is a complete, like, isn't like me five years ago, she'd be like, what? But I am, you know, everything in my life is so colorful and so beautiful, but I've only been able to get to that capacity because of of the willingness to again understand and acknowledge the things that you feel and are experiencing. And you can it is something that is very difficult to do because again, we're we're kind of born into a society of, well, if you're single, like clearly nobody loves you. And if you're in a relationship, you should be grateful. And it's like nobody's winning with all these pressures. So we need to start being a little more kind and compassionate with the relationship we have again with ourselves, so that you know, let's say you are feeling comfortable to date again, or if you are in a relationship, which you may have you've seen probably with your clients, it's there are great, great seasons, and there are some hard seasons. It's just the close. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I think talking about pressures, I think this is where some people may struggle too. I know I did at the beginning of trying to figure out like who I was and developing that self-love is, you know, you've got the pressure of life and creating this life and um, you know, being intentional and all the things, but then there's also this pressure of you have to develop a relationship with yourself, but you're also trying to develop a relationship with your kids and develop a relationship with your spouse and like make sure you're hydrated enough and that you're not eating too many calories and that you're staying in your macros and you're getting enough, you know, like the the pressure is a lot just on a daily basis. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It's a lot.

SPEAKER_02

I want to talk about healing and how you have kind of developed a passion around that and how that has led you to being the self-love scientist too.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. Um, so I would say I kind of have to go back in time for a second. I feel like um part of my own personal journey um and healing modalities was um I did a lot of uh I would call it self-love practices in a more intimate pleasure way. I was very curious about, you know, why I felt sexually so disconnected in my body. So I was Did you feel that in your marriage too? Um in that it I don't know if it was like we were disconnected, but in that period it felt like I was just performing, you know, because in my mind, it's like I'm supposed to do this for his pleasure, I'm supposed to do this so I can have a baby. Um I learned that's really common. Yeah, right. During and even when I was married, when I started exploring like self-pleasure, and then I experienced giving myself an orgasm, I was like, why don't I have this feeling? Yeah. And so I I noticed, you know, and I I did some nerdy research behind it, that a lot of women are experiencing unsatisfying pleasure, and there's a lot of stuff like there's a lot of dirt underneath that. So I discovered, you know, I did have some shame around my sexuality, and I realized that, you know, at a young age, you know, being sexualized as a young woman and realizing that sex is actually and can be pleasurable for everyone. And so I also realized that every time, you know, there's there's this meme I'll never forget. One of my friends sent it to me. She said, you know, I could probably avoid all this bullshit if I just gave myself an orgasm today. Probably true. That's when you feel, you know, when you when you honestly, when you explore yourself more on an intimate level, not only, you know, there are a lot of things internally, you know, like the the rise and fall of hormones, the dopamine, and all this like feel good stuff, but there is also this energetic essence that's happening. Like you, you walk lighter, you feel more confident. But the other thing, and this is for anyone, even men, when you get to know yourself on a more intimate level, you start realizing how powerful having boundaries are. You start feeling more confident in what does feel good, so that whether you're with yourself or with a partner or dating, you can confidently tell someone no. You can also express, you know, if you do enjoy, like if they ask you, what do you like? Or in the midst of it all, you can be like, you know, I love it when you do this, or I think it'd be fun if we try this. The the communication is just so good. And you start leveling up your relationships. And I realized that the more I um explored myself, my body confidence changed. So I was able to show up in a more authentic way without the approval of other people. And it is something that I I truly want for everyone to feel, versus like trying to, you know, you mentioned like counting calories and all that. Like we we try so hard to fit into this unrealistic mold of what the standards are, and then in relationships, people feel that, you know, oh well, like my partner should be able to make me orgasm. I mean, sometimes, yes, because they might know what they're doing. However, if you are hitting a wall, if you're disconnected from yourself, you're not gonna experience any of that because you're gonna be so disassociated because of a plethora of things. Like there's a long list of why you feel that way. Um, but until you really get super vulnerable with yourself, you're not gonna really know who you are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I think a conversation that couples miss too is it they don't even have the conversation about what a successful sexual experience looks like. You know, when they when they when you get together, you just kind of fall into bed together and then you just keep going. You know, one of intimate conversations we talk a lot about this is that there's six types of conversations that you should be having, and intimate conversations is one of them. And I don't think enough couples talk about, okay, you know, that was great for me. Was it great for you? What could I do better? What do you like? What do you and then a deeper, you know, peeling back the onion layers of that goes into what you were saying of like, I don't know. I don't know what I what I like or what I want because I don't know myself well enough to know what I like or what I want. So talk about that because I I even have men that have that issue, that their wives are coming to them and they want this like really passionate experience that came out of, you know, one of the um Empyrean series novels or or you know, a a Sarah Moss novel or something like that. And it's like, why? Why are you why are you not this person? Or when I was pregnant with my first son, um, looking at my husband and being like, why? Why can you not be more like Edward? And he was like, It's a fucking novel, Cameron, get over it. Like he was then I'm like, but you suck so bad. We're divorced, obviously. Um, but not just because of that. But that was a big one. Um, but yeah, like they want these experiences, but like then they've got these husbands that are like, I I don't know. I don't know what else I want. Like sex is sex is sex, you know, and that's that's not true. So yeah, kind of um, what are what are you seeing? Because I know you coach too. So what are you seeing with clients in in that kind of realm? And how do we fix that?

SPEAKER_00

I think I think that's a really good point. And you're 100% right. Um, it is something nobody actually talks about, and it it it does baffle me. There are a smaller amount of people, and I've had girlfriends tell me this too. I have specific people in my life who when we're I'm the friend you talk and call when you want to talk about sex, or like, oh guess what? Like my partner and I'm rooting for them. I'm like, hell yeah, girl. Like, so yeah. But then again, you have be you're being selected, but like it's kind of wild. Like we can't openly talk about this. So imagine how the you know, and like you said, you know, the couples, it's just like the money conversation, you know? Nobody wants to talk about money. So important. Yeah. And it's like if we don't talk about if we can't talk about finances, then you can't talk about my bedroom desires, right? Yeah. If we can't talk about bank accounts, we can't talk about banging. Like yeah, yeah. Um so to answer your question, uh, there is a lot of um, there's a lot of pressure actually. A lot of uh my clients feel pressured and super self-conscious to express a desire or a need for exploring. And this is not just women, I've had male clients before um where they have felt this pressure. And this is again kind of like that thing we talked about earlier where there is this unrealistic expectation. So in the case of like, well, she just just like every time we're together, it just feels like she's not there, or you know, I really want to bring this up to her and I want to explore, you know, in this case, this is a male um speaking about a female partner, and there is this, you know, pressure for them to be like, I feel like, you know, this partner is expecting this of me. And I'm like, well, have you have you talked about it? And they're like, well, no, because that would require me to be emotional and vulnerable, and that's weak, and it's not, it's actually one of the sexiest things you could ever do.

SPEAKER_02

We talk about that all the time. Vulnerability and humility are two of the sexiest attributes you can ever have.

SPEAKER_00

The sooner you have these conversations, whether you are in a relationship or you're dating, and like my biggest thing is the sooner you get it out in the front, the better off. Like you'll be saving yourself so much emotional turmoil because at the end of the day, you do matter and what you want and what you want to experience, it does matter. Like, again, there are negotiations, and you know, there's you know, some people are like, well, you have to sacrifice in relationships. But if your intimacy isn't at a level where it is satisfying, like that's a problem. And so my favorite conversations in the past have been, you know, I like I for me, I love talking about it afterwards. Like, what was your favorite part? Like, I want to know parts. Like, I just love having that conversation because it's so fun, you know. And then you can women can tell when it's not pleasurable, or your partner will be able to kind of tune in, like, hey, I kind of noticed you were a little more quiet, or like maybe it just happens, like shit happens in the middle of sex and you can't control it and it's okay. Yeah, but you can't continue to carry on like having this mediocre grayscale sex. If in the back of your head you're like, I really wish he was like like the character in this book, or I, you know, I'm thinking about other things, and it's it's as simple as like, hey, if we take a time out for a second, I love you and I really want to be more connected, but like I have a lot on my plate right now, and most of the time the right people in your life will welcome that and be like, oh my god, like talk to me, or let me give you some space, and creating that safety creates let me help you, let me take some of those things off your plate so that you have less in your mind in your head.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, that's huge. I think I think that's that that's true too, that it comes down to when kind of what you were saying earlier about you can only um have conversations to the level of where your partner has met themselves. And so, you know, if you're bringing a hard conversation of like I I love you, but you're kind of selfish in bed, like that's a hard conversation to hear, and at the same time, no less important than the bank account. So, I mean, these are things that we have to talk about, yeah, really important.

SPEAKER_00

And you might be, you know, you may be surprised though, but sometimes like even having that dialogue, like you said, the great example, like, oh, most of the time you're in control, and sometimes I want that. Yeah. You might be like, actually, that sounds kinda hot. Like, okay. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I'm not saying they're because some people are like, oh, there's a time and place, but sometimes if it's really up in your heart, if it's really up in your face, then that's the time. Like just create the space and be like, I gotta talk about this because it matters, and that is it is so important to recognize that you your sense of worthiness and your sense of love is so valid and is so important. You know, just be ready to be like, this is what I'm asking for. If you're like if you're a giver and a people pleaser, then you you also deserve to receive just as yep, yep.

SPEAKER_02

So important. That was a big lesson that I had to learn because that's naturally who I am. I am a giver and I'm I'm and receiving, I'm like, oh, this feels awkward for me to be receiving, you know. So that's that's really something that I've had to work diligently through over the last few years. So yeah, definitely. As a coach, what would you say some of the more common myths are that you that you bust or that you help people through?

SPEAKER_00

I would say um one of the biggest things I hear a lot is we'll be talking about the things that you know my clients want, right? You know, we'll be talking about like all the goals they have with the relationships, especially like the partners are looking for, and they're like, well, you know, I I can't have that because you know it's I'm too much. And that hurts. And what really like I think, and even I remember experiences myself, and it's you're never too much for the right person. Never like your capacity, like you said, you love to give, your capacity to love is give is going to be if not has already been matched with someone.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And you know, to feel that you're too much or to, you know, when people say sorry for over sharing, and it's like, don't apologize for the things that that really do matter. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So I feel like because we work a lot around self-worth, you know, because like when we talk about love, people feel like they're unworthy of love. And that's not true. It is not true, and it's it it it does like it makes me so sad to think about sometimes. It does, yeah. It's it is a beautiful thing to be in a relationship where you can it is being reciprocated and you experience those feelings. You can have the same thing even if you're dating, even when you're single with yourself, with your family, friends, your passions. But if we feel that we're undeserving, we cut ourselves short. You know, for um some of my uh close friends, they look at like some of the things I do and they're like, you know, I'll never be able to do that. And I'm like, why do you talk to yourself this time? Yeah, yeah. So it's exploring and realizing that you know you are worthy of the things that matter, the things you dream about, you know, why do you think you dream about it? Because it's we just have to reprogram and reframe the way you speak to yourself. It's so easy for us to be like, I love you, you're beautiful, you're gorgeous. Like you said, we give, give, give, give. But when it comes back to us, we're like, oh god, no. Yeah. It's like, do you like let's talk, like, let's get into that. Like, let's un let's get deep into that. And that's where a lot of the work happens for most people is when they realize, you know, my favorite thing is like I will compliment a stranger. I will either approach them, walk up to them, or we'll be walking and passing, and I'll just I'll hit them with a compliment. Whether or not they accept it, that's on them. To me, I love it's like a trickle effect. Like they're gonna like suddenly they're heightened and they're having the best day ever because stuff seen. But you most people don't want to talk to anyone because they're like so just so in their masculine and just want to like work. And my work is the only way that I'm worth it. When I do this, then I can have that. And it's like, no, you're already worthy to have it all.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Well, and to to take it even further, a lot of it is when I do X, then I can have Y. But then once we get to X, it's like, well, that wasn't good enough. So now I've got to do even more. And you you don't celebrate getting to Y. You don't celebrate those wins, you don't celebrate, and and that confidence that you do build out of that. That's huge. I think there's so many people walking around. I mean, anyone who's been hurt and hasn't done the work, I think it's it's all the trauma that's been created. And like, you know, you you were saying there's a lot of people that don't feel like they're worthy, it's sad because that mindset was created in childhood at some point, and and now we've taken it into adulthood and we're just living with that, and that's it's not true. It's not true. What's interesting to me, this is again another lesson that I have to learn, but what's interesting to me is that when you're given these ideas, like I'm not I've never been given an idea to like, you know, design some great and wonderful piece of art or this great and wonderful building or something like that, but other people are. Yeah, I've never been given the idea to, you know, to be a self-love scientist or to dive into that. So I think everybody has their own gifts, and I don't think we really pay attention to that enough that we think we're not capable or not worthy. But if we weren't, we wouldn't have been given those ideas in the same in in the first place.

SPEAKER_00

It's very similar to that. There's a quote that it's um, and I use it all the time. I actually I think I'm pretty sure I thought of this on my walk this morning. But there's a thing, you know, people always say, Oh, you know, there's this mindset of what's the worst thing to happen. The best thing. And like in the worst case, like, are you really thinking that you're gonna die? Oh, if I post you're not gonna die though. Yeah. In in any kind of circumstance, there was a there was a time where um I was I was going through a breakup and I was like, I have no job, I have no house, I have in my mind at that time, I have nothing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

For a moment, then I realized that things will be temporary. So I was able to, you know, stay with my parents even after the age of 30. And then once I got my butt back in gear, things started falling back into place, and I was able to thrive and heal and go through that motion. But now it's instead of thinking what's the worst case, think of the best case. Like, what is the best case scenario of like actually start the podcast, start the project, go to the dance class, go talk to that person, send the message, call the person. And then the other version of that is why not you?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Why not you? It's interesting that you say that. I have a five-year-old, and the other day he was, I don't, he is the most competitive child you've ever met in your life, but he was saying something about like, I'm gonna lose and it's not gonna work. And he he, I think it was getting ready for a soccer game. He like couldn't get his shin guard on right, like all this other stuff, and I stopped him and I was like, all right, you have now spent like eight minutes on all of the negative things. Now you get to spend eight minutes on the positive things. Because if you're gonna spend time on the negative, you've also got to balance that out with the positive. And he looked at me like I had six heads, and I was like, all right, so like how many goals you're gonna score today? And he was like, I don't know, five. Like he was so irritated that he had to do this activity and like spend time on the positive. But then he did. He went out and he scored seven goals. Like he was so excited, and it was such a great day. I think, and and not to like toot my own horn here, but like I think that more people, if we did this for ourselves and also taught our children to do this, to spend time on the positive, not just the negative, we wouldn't have as many problems as we do. Like we would have a more balanced mindset, and but life wouldn't suck so bad all the time for everybody in that victimhood mindset.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, 100%. It's the same thing as, you know, and this I see this more amongst women, but you there's this like feeling of competition, of like, well, I have to like be better than her, I have to look as good as her, like I I want to be matched with her. And it's like, you know, if we turned competition and translate it into like something supportive, like go out and cheer them on, even if like there's a party that's doesn't creep or like it, just be like, oh my God, love this, like send the positives because for those who feel this is something I do in my container when you feel that some of the best ways to actually get yourself into that is to give. I'm not saying all the time because then you're back into people pleasing, but I am saying you practice that, you know, complimenting. I you practice that, you know, I love seeing you show up, or that's amazing, I love that for you. Because, you know, we all are watching, you know, everyone's always watching, and deep down there might be a sense of I want that. And instead of feeling like jealous or envious, it's well, you know what? Good for them, because I'm sure they probably busted, like, you don't know their story. There could be but if you support that and you start sharing the the compliments, you're starting this positive, like you said, this positive feedback system or even gratitude. Gratitude is something that I think like you're the it's almost like the way you told your son. It was now that you've talked about the bad, which we're so good at, by the way. Like everyone's good at everyone loves drama. I've had family like ask about like certain things, and I'm like, why don't you ask about the good in my life? Let me tell you that because that's what I literally live in. I have no like sometimes the conversations are so short because I have nothing bad to report. But I'm like, but let me tell you about this trip, let me tell you about my practice and my podcast and blah blah blah. But when you kind of turn it around where it's like, actually, I have so much good to give and good to share, I have so much to be thankful for, it starts rewiring your brain and everything to notice the good in the world, to notice the good in people, to notice the good in yourself, which feeds into the relationship you have with yourself. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You know, that's interesting. Talking about people that are, you know, family members that call and they're like, they all ask about the bad in their life. Something else I've noticed is when bad things happen. Like if there's a death in the family, we bring food. If there's, you know, a divorce, it's like, oh, I'm so sorry, you know, things like that. But if it's like, hey, I have the number two podcast in category or oh my gosh, my podcast just went to top 25 of all time in, you know, for dads or something like that. And people are like, great. So, anyways, how about and they like they just bypass that completely. We don't focus, like we don't get excited for our friends. We don't support our friends, you know, our we support our friends when they're going through a divorce. Hey, how are you? How are things? We're calling every day. But then when they do something great, do we share their posts? No. Do we, you know, do we leave reviews? No. Do we you know what I mean? Like it's just it's wild how this happens. Wild. And going along like the self-love, I think that's another reason why we feel less loved as ourselves, because we only get accolades and validation when it's negative.

SPEAKER_00

Right. And the thing is, think about being on the receiving end of that. So let's say you're overcoming some things, right? Or you you find out, yes, my podcast is number two in relationships, and you're so proud for yourself, you have to hold on to that. Yeah. You have to understand, because this is very common whether you're a business owner or a podcast host or any anything in any position, when you like I want you to celebrate yourself. Like we talked about earlier. Like, we are so good at like, here's my goal. We get the goal and we keep going, which is a good thing. However, like, please take a moment and be like, you did that. Like how far you've come. Exactly. And you have to be prepared that you know, you have to be the loudest person in the room for yourself because there may not be, you know, there may not be people there to cheer for you, but you got to cheer for yourself, and that is gonna be a huge confidence booster. That's gonna be a huge way to pour back into yourself because you know, we've all been there. And again, yes, you're right. Like there are people in your lives who are like you go through some hard stuff and they will like they will fight for you, and that is a great thing. But once you're back on your feet, you know, things get a little fun, you have to learn how to show up for yourself all over again.

SPEAKER_01

100%. 100%.

SPEAKER_02

Oh man. Okay, as we wrap up here, what do you want couples to know?

SPEAKER_00

I would say for couples, I think it's really important to schedule check-ins. And I'm not saying like, oh, it's so important. Like, we're scheduling the date nights, but like what does that date like look like specifically? I don't care if you get takeout, I don't care if you do the candlelight dinner. I need you to schedule a weekly check-in and just, you know, how are things going? Because I promise you, like, yes, you're in passing, yes, you have a chore list, you know, whether or not you have kids, and maybe you both have jobs, maybe you live together, maybe you live separate, have a check-in. How are you? How are you really doing? How are you like have those real conversations and just be ready, you know, like you can dump if you want, like dump into your notes, write it down, voice note it, and just bring the things that are really weighing on you because the things that get suppressed, it's being dishonest. If you are not willing to have this conversation with someone for any scale of reason, then there is something deeper there that needs attention. And if you want to see something change, you need to be the one who does it. I promise you, your partner cannot read your mind. If you're like sex is feeling mediocre, don't tell your friends that talk to them, talk to your person. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your partner in any regard of your relationship, whether it's like, you know, work has just been on my ass and I have these feelings. Or, you know, if you have kids, like I just kind of need like, can I can you take the evening? I know we usually split up childcare, or if you don't have kids and lately you feel disconnected, talk about it. Like, you know, the other day we're having, you know, it was just wonderful to be with you, but I I'm afraid I just didn't feel that spark. And the I know I'm like, I can keep going, but I think the other thing is it is normal and actually quite natural for sometimes sex is not as like, oh my god, majestic orgasm, yeah, powerfully cosmic. I want everyone to have a cosmic experience, absolutely. But honestly, like we are humans, like things are just constantly changing in our bodies, and some days everything is online, some days one thing's off and the other thing is on, and you like there's there should be no pressure to perform, you know, just like check in with each other, be like, you know what? I know like we're getting a little heated, but I would just absolutely love if we spent more time doing foreplay, or I really would love if you would go down on me, or you know, anything like that. Do not be afraid to express what is on your mind because it is going to show up much later. And the more you hold yourself back, the more you're holding your relationships back.

SPEAKER_02

100%. 100%. I have a template in my school community for a weekly marriage check-in for that reason, right there. I could not agree more. And it's interesting that you were talking about this because our pastor last week in our church service was actually they're doing a series on marriage right now. And he was saying that they've got like six kids. And he's like, right around like the fourth, fifth, sixth kid, something like that. He's like, when we started dating, we did a weekly date night. And then right around like the fourth, fifth, sixth kid, we it was like, oh, we don't need one this week. We're really busy, whatever, we put it off. And then the next week got put off and the next week and the next week and the next week. And he's like, eventually, we're at Life Group. My wife brings all of this stuff, like this really, these really hard topics. And he's like, I had no idea. And so then to one up her, he was like, Oh, okay, well, you're gonna tell that, then I'll tell all these private, you know, information, blah, blah, blah. And so then it starts this huge fight. And he goes, Me as a problem solver, I start looking back and I'm like, when did this start? Like, when did we start becoming so disconnected that we couldn't even talk about it? These things, and he's like, and it was when we stopped doing date nights. And I think that's another misconception is that people think that date nights have to be like this big extravagant get dressed up, get a babysitter, go downtown, have a nice steak dinner or whatever, like all these things. No, it can literally be like a 15-minute walk around the block in biker shorts and a t-shirt and no makeup kind of situation. Just so long as you're together, no distractions, and having those conversations that you need to be having.

SPEAKER_00

No, I could, I definitely agree. I think you said something that's also really important, and I really want people to sit with this. When you're with your person, and I know we live in a very big digital age thing, but when it's your time together, put everything away. Like I understand, like you can have the phenomenal, it's an emergency. I get that. Like, I guess, like, you know, nowadays, if someone calls me, it's either a good thing or you know, it could be an emergency. But when you're with someone, and this also counts for yourself. Like, you know, if you're like, I'm not in a relationship, this doesn't really resonate. It will. When you when you sit down and do that time together, the date for yourself, the date with your partner, put the phone away, close the laptop, turn everything off, unless you're like playing some jazz and I love that. But like, give yourself the less you have noise-wise, the more present you can be. And your partner deep down is gonna already feel like that connection is going to be a part of your turn-on process. Yep, for sure. 100%.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And stop putting so much pressure on yourself and on each other. I just feel like sex should be this experience where you just revel in each other's bodies. Like just enjoy each other.

SPEAKER_00

Just enjoy each other. It literally should be. I want this for everyone. Everyone should feel like when they see their person, they should be like, I just want to like kiss every inch of you from head to toe. Yes. But like maybe you're exhausted, you're tired. So maybe you just want to like when you get together, because sex is being vulnerable. You're naked, like, or maybe you're wearing lingerie love. Like, whatever you're doing, you need to realize that it's not supposed to look like the movies, it's supposed to feel as it needs to feel for you. Like it needs to feel safe. Your nervous system has to be like calm.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Right? It shouldn't be on like this fight or flight stance, which does happen. But like you said, yes, there should be no pressure of, oh, we're about to have sex. I'm gonna have an orgasm. I want that for everyone, but just understand that sometimes it doesn't work and that doesn't have to.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Like if that happens, great.

SPEAKER_00

If it doesn't, it's okay. The less we go in with an expectation, the more present we can be with our person. Yeah. And we would be very surprised. Like, you know, I myself, like, I like I'm a huge romantic. I love setting everything up. And I get nervous sometimes where I'm like, oh my God, do we need music? And I get in my head about it. Or there will be music, and it's so shitty. And I'm like, Yeah. You know, like, yeah. If you can laugh about it and come back, like be present. The more present you are, the more pleasure you experience between yourself or with your person. Love that. Love that.

SPEAKER_02

Oh man, is there anything else that we didn't talk about that you want to talk about? Oh my god, girl. I am I've been loving our conversations. I'll be on podcasting. Well, I'll be on your podcast at the end of this month, I think. So we'll we'll get to continue this. Yeah. So if people want to hear more, jump over to Love and Lattes podcast. Um, where can people find you? Where can people, you know, if they're like, oh man, I have realized that I don't love myself at all, then how can they find you and how can they get coaching from you?

SPEAKER_00

So, first off, just listening to this podcast episode is super exciting. And it can be a very powerful, it's also a very vulnerable experience to realize that. Because I know myself, I'll I'll never forget how that felt. Um, and so I have to say like thank you so much for listening. And if you do have those feelings, if you're having those experiences and you want to start the practice, you don't have to wait anymore. Um, everyone deserves, like it's a never-ending process, but it does feel great. I think the other thing I would say is never be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you're stronger and you need someone to help. Like someone, let me like be that crutch. So you can reach out to me. My website is the self-love scientist.com. I offer a free uh conversation call where we get to meet virtually and connect, have a conversation. And if websites aren't your jam, you can just shoot me an email at victorial.lotuslifestyle at gmail.com and say, hey, I heard you on this podcast. I'd love to connect. I I want X, Y, and Z, and we'll go from there.

SPEAKER_02

I think that's really beautiful. I think, I think for me and I and many other people too, is that it's not when you finally realize like I don't love myself and I feel like I've lost myself in my marriage or in life, you're trying to figure that out. I think the hardest part is starting and knowing where to start. And I think that that even if you're in that moment, if you're listening to this and you're like, yeah, that's me, that's where coaching comes in. Coaching is there for you to to collapse time for you. And I think that's that's the biggest thing is that we see things that you don't. And so when you reach out to to Victoria, you can that's where you know she's gonna help you start doing that. Where you don't you don't know where to start, that's okay. Yeah, so that's really beautiful.

SPEAKER_00

Having the awareness is already very big, and I'm proud of that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, for sure. Well, thank you so much for being a guest. I'm so excited to get this out. Um, and I will see you in a couple of weeks on the Love and Lattes podcast. So stoked. Thank you. Thank you. We've all seen it. The messy social media messages, the public tea spilling, and the absolute embarrassment of finding out that your life is a lie through a Facebook post or an Instagram message that your spouse thought was hidden. What if it didn't have to be like that though? What if you could find out before their affair got too deep? Statistics show that over 20% of marriages deal with infidelity. And most affairs last for years because they thrive in the dark. It's time to turn the lights on. Verified.com is the world's first searchable relationship registry. It's not just an app, it's a digital boundary for your marriage. When you register your spouse on verified, you are claiming your relationship on a global scale, whether you're talking, you're dating, or you're married. If another man or woman is being told your spouse is single or divorced and they search for your spouse on the registry, they find you instead. Now here's the game changer. Verified allows you to speak one-on-one and directly with that other person. No gaslighting from your spouse. No, he said, she said, no, oh my God, you went through my phone. How could you betray my trust like that? And zero social media drama. Just the truth, person to person, before things go too far. Don't wait for that gut feeling to become a nightmare. Because even if you think your spouse would never, there's an even better chance that you just never know. Register your spouse today using the link in the show notes and lock in your legacy to protect your peace. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. Every couple story is unique, so take what's helpful and leave the rest. By listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that neither I, Cameron Thompson, Alaricki, married and connected, or recognizing potential coaching are responsible for any outcomes related to what you apply from this show. Especially if you are not a client of mine.

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Kameran Thompson Al-Areqi

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