Episode 05: To Be Seen

There's a particular kind of hiding that doesn't look like hiding at all — it looks like skipping the photo, choosing the back row, letting your body take up less space in a room you have every right to fill. In this episode, I'm getting honest about the weight gain I've been navigating and the quiet way it's made me want to disappear.

It came into sharp focus on a recent trip to Arizona. Somewhere between the trip I'd been looking forward to and the camera I kept avoiding, I realized how much energy I was spending trying to be unseen — and how exhausting that has become.

This episode is me sitting with that discomfort instead of editing it out. We talk about where that urge to vanish really comes from, and how it slowly turns into something else: a meditation on what it actually means to be seen — by others, and by ourselves. Because being seen, at its core, is being loved. And before anyone else can offer us that, we have to be willing to look at ourselves first — all of it, the parts we're proud of and the parts we'd rather crop out — and meet ourselves there with love instead of judgment.

This one's a tender one. As always, one micro moment at a time.

In this episode:

• The vacation moment that cracked something open for me
• Why I've been avoiding the camera — and what that avoidance is really protecting
• The link between disappearing and not feeling worthy of being seen
• Reframing "being seen" as an act of love, starting with ourselves
• An invitation to look at yourself — fully — with more compassion

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to another episode of Where I Meet You. So I wanted to talk about being seen. And I feel like there's a lot of layers to this. For a lot of people. Not just this, I don't think this is just a woman-only issue. It's definitely not just like a mother issue. I think it is a human thing that during different phases of our lives, we want to hide. We don't want anybody to see us. My boyfriend and I went on vacation this past February. We went to Arizona again. It's become our new favorite place to visit. But he made a comment when we were on one of our hikes that he couldn't take a picture of me because I wouldn't let him. And I realized that for the last few years, I really have hated having my picture taken. It's never been something that I truly have loved because I've always been self-conscious of my weight. But when I was younger, it wasn't as bad as it is now. And I realized it's because I wanted to hide. I wanted to hide the weight that I've gained over the last few years. That I am my weight is something I have struggled with my whole life. But the last 10 years, I have definitely hit my highest weights and some of my lowest points. So, and I know some of that comes with age of being a woman, and as our bodies change, you know, we hold more it, we hold more weight than we used to, and the way stress affects us and the lack of physical activity, so on and so forth. Like there's a lot that goes into it. It's not just that I don't like my picture being taken, taken. There's levels of shame behind it. Shame and embarrassment that I've allowed myself to gain the weight, or I've done nothing to take care of it, or um, and these are thoughts that like go through my head. This is not necessarily what people are saying, but I realized this last year, or this last vacation rather, that I was embarrassed for my boyfriend because of my weight gain. And I know it doesn't bother him. He loves me no matter what. He would love me at 140 pounds just as he would love me at 300 pounds. Um, you know, he that that doesn't matter to him. Um, but it matters to me because I don't know, I had this weird projection of fear that people were gonna judge him based off of the way I looked. And so I've I haven't wanted him to take pictures, and I haven't wanted him to post things. And then it was like anytime we go somewhere, he's like, Will you take a picture with me? And I'm like, No, I don't want to take a picture. I don't like um the way I look, or I don't like this, or I don't like that. And it's like I didn't realize how badly I just wanted to hide. And it wasn't until I can't remember if it was a couple days. Actually, it might have even been while we were on vacation. A woman, not that I have I don't have a close relationship with her, but I've known her for a very long time. And she made a post similar to like what I was just talking about, how she's been struggling with her weight and this, that, and the other, and has been trying to keep herself out of pictures. And she had had to get headshots done for work, and you know, it was one of those times where she had like gotten dressed up and she had her hair done and her makeup done, and she felt so confident. And then when she got the picture back, she was like, Oh my god. Like, who is that woman? Like, I don't know who this woman is in this picture. And now she had always been in very good shape because she was very athletic all through her younger years and had done cheerleading forever. And so this is a new well, I I can't speak for her that it's a new thing, but I think hiding who she is is a new thing. Because then she made a comment about how she realized that if something was to happen to her in the next year, say, that her family would have no pictures of her. And then I started to think about how I've been feeling and how I've been wanting to hide. And and I know I've seen it with my other friends too, and not necessarily because they're overweight, but they feel too skinny, or they feel bloated or puffy, or this or that, or they don't like the way their hair looks, and it's just like we've all wanted to hide at one point or another, and it's I think it's a struggle because then it like for me personally, my weight gain has like spills over into other areas. It's not just about how you know it affects me getting dressed in the morning, it affects us when we go on vacation, it affects me, and I shouldn't say us, it affects me. It does not affect Robert, it affects well, I guess it does because my attitude changes. But I don't think if somebody has never struggled with their weight, and that's being underweight or overweight or whatever it is, I don't think people understand how much it truly affects so many areas of your life. And I know it's easy to sit there and be like, well, just work out or just eat better or just this or just that. And it's like, you know, I've lost 40 pounds before, I did it, and then I fell into a fucking depression and I didn't and I moved and I didn't have the same accessibility to things. Like the one thing my therapist told me about excuses is they're fucking valid. So when you sit in there and say, I'm too tired to work out and I'm too tired to cook better, and I can't afford this, or I don't have time for that, like those are all valid excuses, but that doesn't mean you still can't try and change something. You know, there's other factors that go into it. So it's it is always easy from the outside to be like, well, just do this or just do that. And I know I used to do that um to Matt, who I'll explain to everybody who Matt was later on, but he was my boyfriend for five and a half years. But when like Matt struggled really badly with his anxiety, I would be like, Well, just do this and just do that, because like I didn't understand it. But like it does, it affects, you know, your attitude before when you're trying to get ready for work in the morning because you're trying to find outfits that make you feel good, and when nothing fits or everything's too tight, or you know, something's fitting one way, but last time you wore it, it fit a different way, and it's it's daunting and it's upsetting because you just want to feel good in your body, and I think it's not that I think I know it can also be difficult to look yourself in the mirror and be like, I love you, and I'm sorry that I haven't been taking better care of you. I'm sorry that I have not been loving you hard enough. I am sorry that I have not been tending to your needs. I am sorry that we have not been exploring our emotions and allowing ourselves to breathe. I am sorry that there's pent-up feelings and emotions and anger and all of these things that we have not processed. I am sorry for letting you down. I did some really intense therapy for a year, and one of the hardest things Emma had me do was mirror work. And no sooner did I look myself in the mirror did I start hysterically crying because I did not recognize the woman that was staring back at me. Nor could I believe that I had allowed myself to end up in the position that I was in. The same position that I've told myself for probably the past 20 years that I wouldn't get to. Because so much of my life has revolved around trying to lose weight, trying another diet. So when I looked myself in that mirror, and I was like, I let myself down again. It's amazing how so many of us are always willing to let ourselves down, but we could never imagine letting down the people that love us. But at the end of the day, the only person that is going to take care of you is yourself. And this goes back to the previous episode about choosing yourself. You have to choose yourself every day. And it's not something that comes easy for everybody or natural. It is something you have to work at. You have to train at it like an athlete, like a chef, like anybody who is trying to perfect a skill, you have to work at it every day. This sitting here right now doing this podcast is me choosing myself. This is one way that I am working towards choosing myself. And so I just wanted to put it out there for anybody else who is struggling to be seen. And this is in so many different ways. I know people that struggle to show up on social media for their businesses all the time because they're afraid of the opinions that people are going to have about um the ways that their personal life is affecting their business and how they can show up in their business, or just that they don't like having to show up on social media, but they understand that in order to have the business that they want, they need to put themselves out there. I feel like in so many ways, allowing yourself to be seen is allowing yourself to be loved and growing that intimacy with yourself, intimacy into me, I see. And we all deserve to be seen. Being seen is like the ultimate form of love. I feel like it's like the epitome behind a love language. Like when somebody speaks your love language, it's because they see you. So you have to learn how to see yourself so that you can love yourself. And I feel like that's a lifelong journey because as you change and as you grow, some of those things stay the same, but I think so many of them change. And I feel like we all have to learn to love ourselves as if we are the most important thing in the world to ourselves. You know, like the way you love your children or your spouse or your dog or your cat or whoever you love with this uh unwild or wild abandon, you need to give that same love to yourself and allow yourself to be seen. We all deserve that because at the end of the day, all you have is yourself, the only person that is always going to be there. I'm talking at the very end, at every bitter fucking end that you'll ever meet. And I'm not saying that people don't have people that show up for them in the tough times, but if those people are gone, at the end of the day, the only person you have is yourself. So see yourself, allow yourself to be seen, to be loved, to be heard, spend time with yourself and learn who you are. It is uncomfortable as fuck. Trust me, trust me. The conversations that Emma and I have had and some of the questions that she has asked me, it probably took her a good three to four months of working together for an hour to two hours every week before when she asked me, what do you want out of life? Could I say more than just peace? I just want to feel fucking peace in my life. And she was like, That's it? Yes. Yes. So if you are struggling to be seen, I feel you. And I see you. I see you. And I just want you to remember that you are so much more than your weight. And get me. And trust me, I understand, I understand what it feels like to feel puffy and uncomfortable in your own skin and disgusted with yourself. And I get it. I get the insecurities, I get I get it all. The body shaming, that how could you look like that? How could you allow yourself to look like this? And you promised you wouldn't buy jeans in a bigger size. We promised by this birthday we would be down 30 pounds and it's three weeks away, and you haven't even lost an ounce. Like, I get it. Your main focus should be your health, your mental, your physical, your emotional well-being, and your weight will take care of itself. It's ironic because when I lost the 40 pounds, I was putting in the effort, but it wasn't the only goal. The goal was my sanity. I was going on walks, I was spending time outside, I was doing bar and Pilates, and those walks outside were allowing allowing me to process unprocessed grief, emotions, feelings. You name it, I let it out on those walks. So find your outlet. Find your outlet for yourself so that you get to be the best version of yourself. For yourself and for the people that you love. Oh my god, it is such a ripple effect. I feel like the glow is contagious when people you love are glowing because they are thriving in their life and they are taking care of themselves, it like spills over into other people, and you're like, I want that. I want that. I want to feel that. I want to allow myself to feel that love, to feel that peace, to feel at peace with myself, and to feel at home in my body, and to know that when I look in the mirror, I love the person I am looking back at. That she has or he has gotten me through everything there is that has gotten me through everything I've gone through to this very moment in life. That person staring back at me in the mirror deserves all the best of this fucking life. This one one life that we get to live, that they deserve it all. All the fucking best things that life has to offer. I feel like this was a little bit of a ramble, but I'm still getting used to talking to myself on these podcasts. So I dare you to take time to see yourself. Until next time, this is where I meet you.