Caring for Aging Parents and Loved Ones: “When Roles Reverse”

The episode discusses the difficult decisions families face when an aging parent can no longer safely live alone, including whether to sell or rent the home and how to approach a conversation about moving in due to financial strain. It highlights key warning signs that a parent may need help, such as falls, unexplained bruises, forgetfulness, and leaving the stove on. The speaker emphasizes involving the parent in decision-making so they don’t feel powerless. It also stresses that not everyone is suited to be a caregiver and that seeking professional care can be the safer, less harmful option, without guilt. The episode closes by underscoring the importance of self-care, reminding caregivers to “put your mask on first” before helping someone else.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Do we pull her out the house? Do we rent the house out? Do we sell the house? Do we bring and and and how is mom going to feel like when we have this talk with her? How is she going to feel about coming to stay with? Because she's going to have to do that at this point. Because such, you know, uh it's such a financial burden.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

When you are in that situation, please look for signs that you know that your parent can no longer take care of themselves, if they are falling, if you are saying that they have bruises and things on things on them that they cannot explain, if they're forgetting things, if they're leaving stuff on, such as the stove and things like that, we have to pay attention to those things because those are warning signs that they're in a place where they cannot take care of themselves or may need some assistance. But it is giving them some options where you can, so that they feel that they are a part of the decision making, because that's the part that I think you would miss the most, feeling that everyone is making decisions for you and you can't have a say.

SPEAKER_03 1:08

And one of the things that she told me at the very beginning was everybody is not meant to be a caregiver. And if you don't, you might be a bad caregiver.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

And you need to put them in the care of professionals who can, and not to feel guilty about if you have to do that. Because you'll do more damage to them trying to take care of them yourself when you can have professionals who can do that. You have to put on your mask first before you can help someone else. So you gotta even this in this whole caregiving thing, you've gotta be able to take care of yourself before you can even think about trying to take care of someone else.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Always joining us, always supporting us. We are her presence. Um, I am Andrea Wormley, and I'm here with my co-host uh Kelly Moore and Melissa Benson. And today we have we are honored actually with two guests. Uh we have uh Miss Karen over here, and then we also have um Mary. Hopefully you can hear us, right, Mary?

SPEAKER_03 2:49

Yes, I can't.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

Yes, okay. Um so uh today we are gonna, so you know, um all of us, the ones that you see here, we are um at an age, I'm not gonna say what age that is, but we are at an age where um it is probably common to be taking care of our parents. Um, and so today we want to talk about caregiving and uh taking care of our aging parents. That's what the topic is on today. Um, and if that's you today, or you know someone that is in that position, please share this episode. Um, we are on YouTube, we are on Spotify, we are on Apple, we're on all the major platforms. Um, please share. Please subscribe. Please like, do all those special things. We need your support in this so that we can shed light on the things that um matter to us. Okay, so I am actually going to hand the baton over to my co-host uh Melissa Benson. She has some statistics um on in this area. Um, and um I'm gonna let her take over at this point.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Thank you. So when we think about, as you mentioned, that many of us are caring for whether it be aging parents, family members, uh, I want to just kind of let everyone know the numbers associated with that. 10% of US adults are currently caring for family members who are over the age of 65. 31% of US adults are caring for family members over the age of 75. And that number is expected to increase because, as we know, it's a blessing. Our parents, our loved ones, are living much longer, and that is a blessing. Uh, but at in addition to that, we have to look at the support systems and how now that you're living longer, there may be some additional caring that is needed. So that's why we're having this topic today. That's why we're exploring it because we want to know you're not alone. We want you to know that you're not alone in your journey. And we want you to hear some things that may help you through your journey. So I'm gonna start with a quick question for uh Karen. I'll start with you, Karen. Can you just tell us a little bit about your caregiving journey? Who are you caring for and how long you've been caring for your loved one?

SPEAKER_02 5:40

Thank you, Melissa. And first of all, before I answer that, um just want to thank you, ladies, for um inviting me um and for hearing our story. Uh this is this topic is so widespread. And um I just really appreciate you know you you asking me to come out and and be a part of it.

SPEAKER_04 6:03

Well, thank you for your presence. I absolutely appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

Uh I'm caring for my mom who is now 90. And uh she turned 90 uh last month. Wow, and um she has dementia. And so um that in itself is is challenging. Um what a blessing, you know, to be able to care for my mom at 90. I kind of look at it like I've I've always cared for my mom, you know, even in her good days. Uh just always been there for my mom. So to me, this is kind of like an extension of uh of you know continuing to care for her. It's funny because when I was young, my cousins reminded me as I got older that I said when I was younger that I'm gonna always take care of my mom.

SPEAKER_05 6:54

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Didn't literally know that uh it would be in this in this sense, but yeah, so so it's just a blessing to be able to care for my 90-year-old mom who's who's uh has onset dementia.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Wow, 90 years old, wow, longevity, longevity.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

Mary, we're gonna ask you the same question if you would share with us your caregiving journey.

SPEAKER_03 7:19

Um yeah, so good morning. Thank you guys for asking me. Um part of this, I guess, does help the whole situation, being able to talk to some other people who are in that situation. Um, for my mom, she's 80. Um, and her medical issues started when she was 50. Right. Um, heavy smoker, heart problems run deep in my family. So we've been dealing with heart attacks and stuff since she turned 50, which went, which meant I was in, you know, I want to say my 20s. So it's um it's been a journey. And now um with her, uh, my brother, my older brother and I have always been the two that have been the, hey, you got to take care of this type of thing. And um, she has a lot of medical issues. So she recently had one leg amputated, and we're hoping that the other one doesn't get that way. But um so being um, I want to say being in a military family, I was away from home, but I've had to take care of my mom long distance for years from being overseas, from being in other states. Every time something happened, you got that one sibling that immediately they're going to call me. So that's what's going on. Like I said, she's uh she's 80 now, so 30 years. Wow. We've been um on and off dealing with us.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

So wow, wow, 30 years.

SPEAKER_04 8:41

Thank you for sharing, Mary.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

Wow, you know, um she um she said for 30 years, and I you know, as you were talking and as we were coming up to this week on this on this topic, I was just thinking about just me and my parents and what that would look like. I was talking to a girlfriend of mine who is um uh she's not caring uh physically for her her mom, but it's getting to that place. Um, but right now where they are is financially caring for her. Oh, I will say, I know it's the tax season. If you are caring for a parent, an aunt, uh someone like that, um, and you're paying over 51% of their expenses, they are a are a dependent. So just a tidbit there. But we were talking we were talking about um that, and she was saying how um they're gonna have to make some decisions um because her and her two other siblings are paying are basically paying for everything every month. They had to come together and decide on how much they were going to put in to make sure that their mom is supported. But now they have to make a decision. They're at a crossroad. Do we pull her out of the house? Do we rent the house out? Do we sell the house? Do we bring and and and how is mom going to feel like when we have this talk with her? How is she gonna feel about coming to stay with because she's gonna have to do that at this point because such, you know, uh it's such a financial burden uh right now. And it's just cheaper, it's it's less expensive for her to come and live. And then there, as um Mary said, you know, it's this long distance thing is a battle in itself, I'm sure. But but this long distance thing for them is just it it has been a struggle, and so they're gonna have to bring her closer. So wow. Kelly, I know you had a scary.

SPEAKER_04 10:48

I had a couple questions, but now piggyback off of what you're saying is um excuse me. Um what are the essential legal, financial, and medical documentations that families need to start preparing now for their loved ones so that when you're now in that situation, you're not scrambling to find that information. Kind of staying ahead of the ballgame.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

Um for me, um, it was scrambling.

SPEAKER_04 11:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:21

It was scrambling. And and some of it was because even when my mom was in her best of help, very independent. Yeah, I didn't even want to address anything like that. Uh so now we scrambled, you know, power of attorneys, um, durable power of attorney, medical, uh, living will, uh, which we have now. But uh but it was a scramble, and she still was kind of resistant, but uh, but understood that you know I can no longer take care of myself the way I used to. So, and that we wanted the best for her. We being my husband and I and my sisters. And um It's a tight role. It is a very tight role.

SPEAKER_04 12:10

Yeah, I I can understand I have um an 80 plus year old father, and I'm also planning, you know, um for just in case, unfortunately, and making sure that we have our ducks in a row too, so that if there ever becomes a situation where he's not able to make those decisions, we got you that. You know, we we got the information, we know what your wishes are, the power of attorney, and we can make sure that we take very good care of you based on what your wishes are. So yeah, it's it's tough. It's tough. He's still independent, he's you know, still able to do, but I also don't want to be caught off guard if he really needs us.

SPEAKER_03 12:53

Mary, what's your thoughts on that? So uh definitely the powers of attorneys. Uh there's different ones that you need to have. The medical documentation. So with my mom being in another state, and when things started happening, um, we were doing COVID. Um, and a lot of her medical documentation I needed to get because once we got her to Texas, they were trying to start all of from scratch, and she had a lot of stents, she had a lot of other issues that they were able to do some different things, but the medical documentation, we were trying to get it when we went to get her and move her here from another state. It was in the middle of a hurricane evacuation. So the doctor didn't want, you know, and different states have different types of standards for health care. So it was a lower standard where it was picking up. So when we got her here, they were like, Well, what is this and what it's that? And there was a bunch of medication mix-ups. So um, I feel like in hindsight, I knew it was coming. So I wish that I had gotten the power of attorneys and the medical documents earlier. So then I was just had to add on to that instead of trying to find all this stuff out at the last minute. Um, because she'd had a stroke. And then I'm like trying to figure it all this out. So medical documentation is very important along with all that legal stuff in advance.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

How do you find that out? If something happens, where would I go? How would how would I find that out?

SPEAKER_03 14:24

You need to know who her doctors are, who their doctors are. You need to know who who's been seeing them. I mean, we've got a cardiologist, we've got a primary care doctor from a small town, so it was easier to figure out. But when I'm looking at myself, I'm trying to make sure if I get in that situation or my kids going to nowhere to get this information. So I have it all written down, but I would definitely advise you start finding it out way before you need it. But medical records are important. My mom had allergies to a certain type of medication that I didn't know about because I lived down there in 30 years. So found that out.

SPEAKER_04 15:01

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 15:02

And for me, that part was a little bit easier because I've always been in contact with my mom. I've always been there for my mom. So I knew who her doctors were. I've gone to her doctor's appointments, even just routine appointments back in in the day. But um, so I knew her doctors were, so that was pretty easy. But knowing who they are, they still don't want to talk to you if you're not. If you don't, yeah, if you're not on paperwork.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

So you better be on paperwork. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to back up just a little bit and go back to when you had that initial conversation with your loved one, and you were gonna have to uh take care of them. How did you approach that? What did you say? How did you because I I know my mother is independent. And how did you uh approach that conversation to say you're at the point where you may need to come live with us? We need to take care of you. How did you get there? We didn't really have that conversation.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

Like my mom here didn't, because my mom has always come out here to visit. So this last time when we brought her out, which was in October, I I already knew she wasn't going back. Uh-huh. And so as things uh, as she kind of started to decline, um, and she still can do things on her own, don't get me wrong, but as it got to the point where it's like, you know, she really doesn't need to be overnight in the house by herself. Uh and I would just tell her, Mom, you know, you're here now. We're gonna take care of you here. And she, you know, I guess she was fine with it at the moment. And even now, because like she still has her apartment and stuff back in Tennessee, which we were supposed to go clear it out this weekend, but that's a whole nother story. Um and that that that's those funds that you were talking about uh that accumulate because there's an empty apartment. But anyway, um it's a whole nother conversation. But um, but um she just knew that she wasn't going back, that she could not stay in that house overnight by herself. So she was accepting of it when I did tell her, you're not gonna, you know, be going back. Mom, you're gonna stay here with us, we're gonna take care of you here. And she has friends here. My mom knows people here, so it wasn't a culture shock, I don't think, for her. Uh, and we don't visit that conversation too often. Let me just be honest with you. You know, uh, she was not gonna go back with us when we clear her place out, you know. Um Yeah, so while we've told her, do she totally remember that she's not going back? I don't know. We don't revisit that conversation often. You're not gonna go back because you can't take care of yourself. Right. So um, but that that's kind of I don't know if that really answered your question.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

No, it does.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

No, it does. Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:10

You know, I have I have a question. Are you the only child?

SPEAKER_02 18:13

No, I have three siblings.

SPEAKER_04 18:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

And uh two of them still work, so it's kind of you know, it's very difficult that they would be able to to have her there in the house and work. Um and then I have another sister, an older sister who's um retired. Uh but because we're very active here and we can keep her engaged, and we can keep her mobile and uh we can keep her mind going as active as long as we possibly can. So that's kind of the main reason why I thought she should be here versus in Tennessee.

unknown 18:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 18:56

Uh because we can do those things with her and for her.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

I know Mary, I think Mary was gonna I saw you uh it looks like you were about to say something.

SPEAKER_03 19:07

I don't want to well, I was just gonna say my situation was totally different. There's still a lot of anger. Um paralyzed at the beginning, right? We have um, I'm a I may uh what do you call it? Extended blended family. But um, so her four kids, but I I'm her only daughter, she was an only girl, and all you get is I'm supposed to make these decisions. Um my mom still thinks to this day that she can take care of herself, and um, that we somehow took away her independence, kidnapped her, brought her to Texas. So there's a lot of anger. And so we continue to have these conversations. I would say every 30 days, like I can go home. I didn't grow up here, she's from Louisiana, different culture. So it's hard because you have the person that the um responsibility was put on, and then you have the other siblings that just get paralyzed. It's like they cannot accept that she's not the same mom. Um, and I would say it's two and two. The two older ones, me and my elder brother and the two younger ones, just they just they can't accept it. So they're they're literally still like they stand still. I watch them when it comes to making decisions about her. They just they won't. They won't engage, they won't do anything because they can't handle it. So it's frustrating, and it's frustrating for her. It's very frustrating for her. But we've had the conversation, we've had it, or we've explained it. I even did the whole pros and cons. I understand that, but I don't agree with it and I want to go home.

SPEAKER_05 20:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

Thank you for sharing that, Mary. And understanding when we look at our parents who have been independent, who have been taking care of themselves, that is usually what you're going to find, that they do not want anyone to take care of them. They still feel that they can do it themselves. I do want to say this: when you are in that situation, please look for signs that you know that your parent can no longer take care of themselves. If they are falling, if you are seeing that they have bruises and things on things on them that they cannot explain, if they're forgetting things, if they're leaving stuff on, such as the stove and things like that, we have to pay attention to those things because those are warning signs that they're in a place where they cannot take care of themselves or may need some assistance. So thank you so much, Mary, for sharing that.

SPEAKER_00 21:45

That that was um so the parent that I think about when I was talking about earlier, like how how is that going to go? Is my dad and and as you guys were talking, and I think Mary kind of hit it, how I'm How would I have that conversation with my dad? Because he's a man's man, you know? Like, dad, you can't do this anymore. Dad, you, you know, how is that? And I know for me, I already know. I'm gonna have to go sit in front of a therapist and say, okay, this is how because how do you, when you get to that point, how am I going to uh double dutch that this is dead and I honor you and I and I respect how you feel to and and the the the role reversal. You have to do this. We can no longer allow this to happen. And then maybe the words that may come from that. I'm and when I'm saying this, I'm thinking about how my grandfather said that to my aunt, and she was the caretaker. Um, and he said, because she had gone in and she started to clean up the house, and there were things that he was falling on, and you know, and so she was throwing things away. And when he and and take and she had to take his keys because he was in in that road doing the most. The car. He was doing the most.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

The car is an issue.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Had to take the keys and everything. Absolutely. Yes. My grandfather was the man. It was a small town, everybody knew him. He took, my grandmother did not have to work. Grand during the summer, y'all remember that one episode we had when I was telling y'all about all the cousins. We was all at the at his house, you know. He took care of us. And now you're taking, and he said, You're taking stuff from me. You you're taking my autonomy from me. You, you know, basically he didn't say those words, but that's what he was. You're taking, and I had to, I remember one time he said, I had to whoop your butt. Taking my stuff from me. You know, it just and how that just broke my heart when he said that. And so uh, I just personally am just thinking about those kind of things.

SPEAKER_02 24:02

I would remind the person that, you know, that you love them, first of all. I love you, and I want the best for you, you know, and I want to take care of you, you know. Um I guess that's probably what I would start off with. But like I said, with mama, we wouldn't have a whole bunch of conversation. But see, it wasn't unusual for her to come here either, so you know, yeah and stay for months at a time. Yeah. And then as she would stay months at a time, of course, the decline started. But but yeah, I would remind the person how much you love him and you want the best for him, and um kind of go from there.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

I would even think too, bringing the family together if you can with the siblings and everyone. So it's not a decision where one person is making a decision for the for your mother, for your father, but we are all coming together as a team because we all love you and we're all going to work on a possible solution so that you know that you are loved, not just by me making some decision, but from everyone. You know, this is how we're gonna do it. Hey, remember how we plan family vacations? We're gonna plan this next journey, we're gonna get you to the next steps and how we can care for you. So it's so they feel, and then giving them the options of I always think about in nursing, we give autonomy to patients. You gotta get the IV, but I'm gonna ask you, do you want it in the left arm or the right arm? So you feel you're making some decisions.

SPEAKER_00 25:40

I want it in it.

SPEAKER_01 25:44

But but it's giving them some options where you can, so that they feel that they are a part of the decision making, because that's the part that I think you would miss the most, feeling that everyone is making decisions for you and you can't have a say in it. Right, that's good. So, so some way to make sure they feel that I have a say in this as well.

SPEAKER_02 26:10

No, that's good, that's really good. And my mom said one time, she says, Well, I'm gonna go back, and I had to re-engage in that as little as I as I possibly could without getting the point. Mom, we want the best for you. And so you're right, yes.

SPEAKER_04 26:28

Yes, yeah, Mary, I think you had something that you probably wanted to say on that as well.

SPEAKER_03 26:33

I mean, I can tell you what I would do in hindsight, but um honestly for us, we try, you know, try to facilitate that sibling conversation to get us all on the same page. And um, hey, you know, this is the best for you. Now, I absolutely 100% believe that bringing my mom here has extended her life. Um, but also trying to figure out I've learned so much about her and her life and her trauma and everything growing up, right, in the small town Louisiana. But I we also realized that at some point with her, it had to be direct. Yeah, but it couldn't come from me. I'm expected to do all the decisions, but it couldn't come from me. So then once my older brother, he he's like, that's it, mom. We're doing the best for you. I'm bringing you to my house. You know, sister lives down the street. Then it was like he became the parent, she became the child. And it's still like that, right? So it's the same information, but it has to come from him and not from me, but I'm expected to do it. I'm expected to execute the plan. So I kind of got to say to my brother, hey, this is what we need, this, this, and this, all this administrative stuff that I'm gonna do, but it has to come from him. So yeah, I would hope that if that future conversation happened with my kids, that they would sit down with me and we would come up with a plan. But um, we didn't do it that way. And it it was, it was very, very chaotic and it became very stressful to the point that I was getting sick because of the way we did it. Yeah, but now four years later, it's kind of settled down. But I would definitely um think that someone I would give them the advice to try to have a family conversation plan and then go have a conversation with a parent and be as gentle and inclusive as you possibly can. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

Thank you so much for that, Mary.

SPEAKER_04 28:26

I know you had a yeah, I um thank you, ladies, so much for what you're sharing. It's very powerful and very informative. Caregiving guilt is a very real burden, from what I'm hearing. Um, how do you suggest listeners handle feelings of resentment, exhaustion, or the guilt of wanting a life outside of caregiving? Because I, from what I'm hearing, that's a good 85-90% of your time that you probably did not expect. So how do you handle sometimes those frustrations of this is not what I I bargained for? I knew I was gonna do it, but this is a lot.

SPEAKER_02 29:11

I remind myself a lot that this is my mom whom I love and who's taking care of me for 18 years at least, you know, coming up. And uh I just I don't want anybody else to take care of my mom. Um I don't want my mom in a nursing home. Um I don't know. I just I just remind myself and lean on the Lord that, you know, this is my mom and I can do this with God's strength. Uh challenging understatement. It is. It's challenging. It's challenging just to see her, not be able to um take care of herself like she once did. But um, yeah, I just remind myself this is my mom. And then I have a support team. Good. I call it a support team. Uh uh now that I'm with you ladies, because I don't know if I really looked like looked at it like that before, but um well, my mom goes out like she was hanging out yesterday with another 90-year-old.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

Okay, they hanging. The 90 year old's hanging.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

Like I told you, she has friends here. Uh, she's been coming here for 20 plus years visiting. So she has friends uh her age and you know, my age. And uh she goes out with them, and uh that frees me up to just either, you know, do what I need to do and take care of my business. But um yeah, so I guess with my mom, she's not um, which sounds like a little bit different from Mary, she's not homebound, she's not bedbound, uh wheelchair bound. And even uh mentally she can still go and hold a conversation. So she's not at the point where she's 100% dependent.

SPEAKER_04 31:07

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_02 31:08

Yeah, even though I would not want her to stay overnight by herself.

SPEAKER_04 31:12

Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:13

Um but I can leave, like I can come here. She's still at home, I could probably sleep uh and uh and still be comfortable with knowing that she's okay, you know, um right now. But uh yeah, I think I have a support system and whether we've said it or not, that's what they are. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

What about you, Mary?

SPEAKER_03 31:40

I found a very good therapist.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 31:44

I don't have one of those. And I say that because um forgiving myself and and understanding that it's okay that I got exhausted.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

Can you repeat what you just said? You said what?

SPEAKER_03 31:56

I said um forgiving myself and understanding that it's okay that the resentment and the guilt, um, those things come into mind because we ended up moving here, her here, less than a year after I moved here after a huge change in my life. So I'm trying to heal from that. And because family members, at least my experience, that are not involved will guilt you. Hey, this is what you're supposed to be doing. That's what you're supposed to be. Meanwhile, they're not doing anything, but they can tell you what to do. Got a lot to say. And how dare you be off on Facebook with your friends, your new friends in San Antonio, your girls, you're traveling when your mom, you know, needs this. So the guilt was a lot and the exhaustion um was a lot. But um, my therapist has allowed me to express that to her, so then I don't express it to my mom. And one of the things that she told me at the very beginning was everybody is not meant to be a caregiver. We do not all have the skills to be a caregiver. And if you don't, you might be a bad caregiver, right? Just thinking, hey, I can do this. I got no skills, I got no, and I mean skills as in dealing with the guilt, dealing with exhaustion, dealing with the whatever, you know, you just can't put a plug on it. So it's been a journey for all of us. I've watched me and my brother, the older one, both. Um, and I keep mentioning him because he and I are doing this together. I've watched us both grow in this and how we we we take care of her and how we deal with the other siblings and how we deal with our own kids. So um I would continue to seek therapy from a professional if you can, because I'm not I'm not equipped, because I have two other friends going through this, and I tell them all the time, we can't share a therapist. I'm not equipped to tell you what to do in your journey. So I would just suggest you have that outlet. And um, there one of them is doing it, and she's like, Thank you. Because I'm not a professional, and you got to get it out, and then you can, and then you can reset because you got to reset, because you got to continue to deal with the situation. My mom does not live with me, she is in a nursing home. We fought with that decision, but I'm still caregiving because trust me, there's a whole list of things you have to do with these nursing homes to make sure that your parent is taken care of. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

Wow. Reset. I heard reset. I heard rest. I heard um forgive yourself. Um, it's a journey. Don't think you already have arrived. Just know that there is gonna be a journey, no matter what it is, right? No, no matter where you are. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 34:31

And I heard the piece of there may become a time. You may be caring for your loved one, but there may become a time where you can no longer care for them because of their health conditions. And you need to put them in the care of professionals who can, yeah, and not to feel guilty about if you have to do that, because you'll do more damage to them trying to take care of them yourself when you can have professionals who can do that. So making sure you remember that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

I wanted to say one other thing. I also heard when you're caring for someone else, you need to be caring for your own self. Absolutely. Because you said put them with the professional who can, and put my own self with the professional who can. I need to be, uh, as I'm paying attention to my family member and their situation, I need to also make sure that I'm paying attention to my own, my own self, my own well-being.

unknown 35:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:34

And I think that comes with anything in life. I'm just gonna say that it's about, remember when you're on the airplane? What is the first thing that they tell you? You have to put on your mask first before you can help someone else. So you got even this in this whole caregiving thing, you've got to be able to take care of yourself before you can even think about trying to take care of someone else.

SPEAKER_04 35:56

Yeah, and I I I love everything that you all are saying. And Mary, my question for you is um, I know you all started off with caring for your mother at home. And it ended up that you needed to seek other provisions for her. What if you can share? Um, what caused you to make those changes?

SPEAKER_03 36:22

So um when let me see how to say this, we didn't assess the situation properly when I say that, and right, and you're still dealing with other siblings, um, and we're all grown-ups, we all have strong personalities, right? I'm the one that, hey, we got to think this through carefully. My brother is the, I'm gonna break the door down, I'm gonna go rescue my mom and bring her to San Antonio and figure it out when she got here. So um that's fine. And he and I had a conversation, and I said, okay, so I'm here to support you. I am, my mom cannot live with me. I cannot do it, I just can't. Physically, mentally, emotionally, couldn't do it. So he's like, I got it, I got it. My wife quit her job. She's gonna take care of mom all day long, and it's gonna be fine. Um a year into it, his health failed. Um, the stress, you know, there's so many appointments, there's so different dealing with the medical system. And um, she was getting sicker, right? She has severe heart problems again. We're five years in. So we had to have this conversation. But guess who had to do all the research? And I'm in, uh I just moved to Texas. They just said, hey, can you figure this out? Well, figure it out meaning you can't just lift her up from your house and take her into a nursing home. Because so I had to carefully plan how she was gonna transition. I did find a social worker through one of the doctors that uh walked me through the process and we came up with a plan. Hey, you know, maybe next time, because we knew there was the next time she was gonna agree in the hospital when she transitions to rehab, we transitioned. But um it was very, very difficult taking care of her at my brother's home because she needed so much, she needed skilled care. She needed more than her blood pressure and her medic her blood pressure checked every day and her medicine. She needed more than that. And they I knew it way before they did, but they had to start seeing the situation. So it took about a year. Um, and then we transitioned her. But it was a lot, it was a lot of heartache.

SPEAKER_02 38:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:35

It was a lot of heartache.

SPEAKER_04 38:38

Thank you for sharing.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Yeah, that's something that uh I've had to think about, Mary, if my mom gets to that point where um we can no longer take care of her. So that's something that I've been dealing with and kind of preparing myself if it gets to that point that, you know, if she's um a danger to herself or something like that, or starts wandering, which none of that she does right now. I mean, we are so grateful that, you know, we are in the place that we are, and it hasn't gotten to those type of um situations. But um, if it does, then that's what I've been preparing myself for, you know, because I'm so dead set against putting my mom in a nursing home. And and I know that I would have to because for her uh safety. And uh so that's something that I have to deal with.

SPEAKER_00 39:33

Wow. So today um we talked about caring for aging parents. Um an another one of the things that we were gonna kind of bridge to, and I'm not sure, but I just I'm just gonna mention it. Not just aging parents, but family members also. And um, and what I mean by that is um So I have a a cousin that um uh he's about ten years younger than me. Um, and my aunt is now taking care of him because uh he has some cognitive things that happened. Uh he was living in New York. He was you know he was a gr he was a a world traveler. Every time I called him, he was somewhere doing things and um within a year's time this particular year, it was around COVID also COVID time within a year's time he went down. Uh we did not know, my aunt did not know his sister, did not know uh this was happening, but they could they when they would talk to him, he would say certain things, be repetitive. It was he was he it was subtle changes. Um anyway, to make a long story short, uh my aunt went to go visit him and he was doing some really weird things. And uh at any rate, pr uh presently, she is taking care of her son. And and because of cognitive issues, um you know, he's in a place where he cannot be by himself for a long time. Um and I know that she never we never think I mean it's one thing to think about aging parents, like okay, that's probab I mean, I'm even thinking about that, but you never ever it is taboo to think that you're gonna be taking care of your own child. Um, and I know that that brings about even uh other kind of mental and coping issues or whatever. And so just watching my aunt go through and my and my cousins, his his sister and brother, go through just the mental changes and the financial changes and the, you know, you guys said the tr struggling, uh uh you said not struggling, you said um when you had to find out all the wheels and uh you know the the mad dash to find out for everything and you know that was uh that I I would say about two to three years before everything just got settled, right? Um and so I know even for her, that's just been one of those things. Even when I go to visit, he's just not the same cousin, you know. Um but uh sometimes he's lucid and sometimes he's not. And you know, that's just been just as you said, even when you see your mom, you know, even when I see cousin, it's he's not the same cousin. But then he is the same cousin. So uh I'm sure that there are people out there that's um dealing with this when it's just a family member. Any comments on that? Do we have any other questions for our guests? We have maybe about, I would say about 10 more minutes.

SPEAKER_01 43:02

I do. Um but and I think it kind of goes along with what you were saying, whether it is a family member, whether it is a parent, uh, what is one thing that you wish you would have known before you started this journey that you could share with our listeners to prepare them so to get that thought in their mind to start thinking, if this happens to me with a family member, a parent, here's something you have to know. What's that one of those one things? And I know there's many, but can you share one thing?

SPEAKER_02 43:37

Um I would say that while she's changing, I have to change also. I my personality is I spent 30 years in the military. So my personality is, you know. Get her done. Um that sounds like Armor. And it's yeah, just kind of straightforward. But I have to change, and I I wish I had known that too, because now I'm kind of living in her world. And while she's not the same, it's still her world, and I've got to adjust to her. And a friend of mine whose mom had Alzheimer's, she said it best for me. She said, uh, she's not gonna change. Like she's in her ways, she's not gonna change. I got to. So when she says things like, uh, it hasn't been X amount of days since I showered, and you know it has. That's not gonna change in her mind. So I've got to um I've got to address that differently than I probably would have normally. Uh there's so many examples. So I wish I had known that, you know what, you've got to change. Not only is your your life physically gonna change, meaning you can't go here and there, you know, like you once did, and those kind of things, but no, I I had to change and am changing also uh to adjust and live in her world uh while still trying to keep mine somewhat normal. I don't know if that makes sense. No, but um perfect sense. So I wish I had known that part um before all of this, because I could have been preparing myself because that's a tough one, you know, um to to to encounter situations with her and not be uh bantering, you know, or or badgering. You mom, you haven't taken a shower. Or you didn't do this, you know. So now just learn to kind of readjust uh and go about it a different way. Uh so what I find myself, because some of the some of the most menial tasks they don't like to do. They do not want to do them. And this is what I've heard repeatedly, and it's she's lining up with what what I've heard from others uh and what I've read. And so uh, so every night when I get up to go prepare myself for the next day, okay, mom, I'm going upstairs. I'm gonna take my shower and you know, do this, do that. And, you know, most times she'll say, okay. But then sometimes she'll say, Let me get up and take my shower. And so, you know, I'm learning to handle those things a little bit differently. Um uh otherwise I'm gonna be the one that's gonna go crazy because my personality does not line up with certain things. Yeah. And uh so yeah, if I had known, you know, that I need to start changing my mindset uh prior to not just what I was gonna be doing physically, but uh those kind of things, then that might would have been a little bit easier for me.

SPEAKER_01 47:27

And I love the fact that you have been reading about her condition. Oh yes. To kind of help you with some of the symptoms and some of the things that you're gonna that you see and experience. I I love that. I love that. Mary?

SPEAKER_03 47:46

Um, I think for me, I would have preferred to do more research and not be paralyzed, and maybe I could have had more direct conversations with my brothers as it so we could be more of a team. Um, one of the doctors here did diagnose my mom with a mental illness that she's probably had for a very long time. And um, so I started reading the books. I started reading the books about it. So um just that conversation, having that conversation and trying not to be paralyzed and then trying to help. I've learned to be more um, I want to say empathetic towards my siblings because it's one of those things. Well, how come I know how to take care of this? You grew up in the same household and you don't have the same feelings towards mom and how to do this. So um for some of us, it's brought us closest together. For other ones, again, I'm I'm accepting them where they are, right? Y'all they can't deal with it. So I no longer am not angry at them anymore that this is just how they can't deal with seeing their mother like that. So, but um having a hard conversation and doing a lot of more research at the beginning, I think would have helped my mental health.

SPEAKER_01 48:55

Thank you. Thank you for that.

SPEAKER_00 48:57

Yeah, well, thank you all so much. Um, I think from is for me, um uh now that uh after listening to Karen and Mary, uh Okay.

SPEAKER_04 49:11

I'm sorry. There's another question on the blog. You work hard, you're awesome caregivers, you knew what to do, you figured it out. For downtime, what do you do for fun? How do you let your hair down? That's important. How do you re-reenergize your yourself? Jamaica?

SPEAKER_00 49:36

Oh, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 49:37

I asked their questions. I know one what one person does, the Mary, but what do you do for fun? What do you and and Mary can answer, Karen? You can answer first, but what do you do for fun that makes you smile, that just gives your energy back and your womanhood back? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:53

You know, I have a good um group of friends. I really do. I have a great supportive husband. Uh I I really don't know how I would get through this without him. But um, so when I said earlier, I try to keep my life as normal as possible. Um, so I still go out with them, hang out with them. I'm going to a play on Sunday. Actually, I'm taking my mom with me though. Um, but I still get out and do some things. Uh I don't travel like I used to. Um, but you know, I still have fun.

unknown 50:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 50:28

Yeah, I still get to let my hair down and uh and go get my hair done. But uh, but yeah, um good times, yeah. It's important to replenish.

SPEAKER_04 50:40

It is absolutely love and energy you're giving to your loved one, you've got to also soak that back into your own.

SPEAKER_02 50:47

Yeah, it really is. I had a friend that uh text me yesterday, of course. I didn't see her text till like 40 minutes later, but she said, Hey, can your mom come over? And um with her mom who's 90. No, I know it's really slow. I says, Can she come over and meet my meet my cousin who's in town? Of course, I didn't see it till 40 minutes later, but this was the rejoicing part. I didn't realize that my mom had already texted or called her mom to say, Hey, what are you doing? And uh, and when her mom heard that, she says, I'm on my way, because she still drives. Oh, the other 90-year-old still drives. Oh, she nor uh yes, you know her. Um okay. So she still drives, and so I know you're I probably don't realize she's 90, though. That's the thing. Nope. I love it. So she came and picked her up, and I'm comfortable with that. And so when my friend was saying, Can you encourage her to come? I didn't even have to say a word. They had already made the plans. By the time I went downstairs to approach her with it, my husband was like, uh, babe, mom's leaving. I was like, okay. But so I get those type of um um, that type of support where you know I can go and do and I don't have to rush to the store and you know, so it, you know, I still get to to let my hair down. So it's not all um, it's not all um, I don't know what the word is, because I don't really want to say work, but it's not all just caretaking.

SPEAKER_00 52:30

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02 52:31

I I still get to have fun.

SPEAKER_00 52:33

There's freedom in the caretaking in the caretaking. It really is. It really is. You have to kind of change your your language, yeah. Like you just said, I don't really don't want to say this because that's not really how you feel.

SPEAKER_02 52:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 52:45

That's not how what about you, Mary? What you do?

SPEAKER_03 52:49

What don't you do? Um travel. Um, but what also for me too, um I have to schedule some dive downtime and force myself to um disconnect. So I I I was lucky, like I said, I moved here and I have a great group of friends. And being in the military, I have friends everywhere. But sometimes to keep my own identity, I just gotta like shut down from everybody else, get some sleep, like it, reset. Because if I'm trying to run to the nursing home because she demanded this and that and the other because I feel guilty, then I'm worn out. So what I've learned to is this an emergency, and maybe I just call and I have something delivered. But I I've really learned that um we need rest. I need rest. So it's been um taking some time to myself, and that may mean just not talking to anybody and binge watching something on Netflix, you know, once a month or whatever. That's that seems to have been helping me out the last few months because I was exhausted mentally at the end of 2025. It was it was really bad. And I feel much better.

SPEAKER_02 53:55

And I like that, Mary. And this has made me start doing that more because I didn't take that time for myself, but I do. When those moments come, I'll take that time for myself as well. Yeah, so this has been a help for me as well because Melissa knows me, you know. I just run, run, run. But this has helped me to just kind of stop as well and take that time for myself. If I want to.

SPEAKER_00 54:22

What's that?

SPEAKER_03 54:23

Yeah, if you want to, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 54:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:25

I like she said force yourself. Because you know, sometimes you like that. I don't know. You like, I gotta go. I gotta deal with it. No, no, stop. Yes, okay, we have to stop. There's no end to this. This is such um uh a a big conversation uh that could just go on. There's so many things, and so um we did talk about some takeaways. What would you do if you could do this over again? What is some what what is the one thing that you would tell somebody that's in the situation? And um, and so I'm hoping that those of you that are listening, that you're taking that that you took some notes on today. Um, I heard that the disease itself or the thing that is up on the k on the one that you're caregiving or you're caring for, it's not the that's the disease or that's the thing. It's not the person. There are reality shifts that has to happen. Um, not just with the person you're taking care of, but with yourself also. Um behavior is communication. That's something that I I grabbed from um others that I've talked to also, and I kind of heard interwoven into our conversation here behavior is communication. Um, and um to focus on the present. Focus on the right now um instead of how that person used to be, maybe or concerned about what could happen in the future, just be right in the right now and documentation, making sure that you're documenting things. Um right. Well, I think we're good. I think we're good. Thank you again. Thank y'all for joining. Make sure you like, make sure you share, make sure that you subscribe. We're on YouTube, we're on Apple, we're on Spotify, we're on all the major uh podcasts, iHeart platforms, iHeartheart. Uh so make sure that you share. If you've heard something again today that uh resonates with you or someone you know, make sure that you share this episode with them. Thank you again.

SPEAKER_03 56:35

All right, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 56:37

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 56:37

Thank you.