Single & Dating: Healing Past Hurt, Expectations, Confidence, and Dating Multiple People | Her Presence

Andrea Wormley hosts Her Presence with co-hosts Melissa Benson and Kelli Moorer alongside guests Sheila, Theresa, Steven, and Vaughn for their third “single and dating” episode, using the season theme of “bags we carry” to revisit questions from prior discussions. They discuss how to keep past hurt from shaping new relationships by identifying trauma, seeking therapy, finding personal closure, releasing anger, and extending grace. The group explores unspoken expectations and “lists” versus standards like faith, employment, respect, and compatibility, and how social media and life stage affect dating choices. They address insecurities and intimidation, urging genuineness, safety, accountability, and confidence. They debate dating multiple people without exclusivity, emphasizing honesty, risk, and feelings, then close with takeaway advice on authenticity, healing, communication, and self-care.

00:00 Welcome and Introductions

01:33 Baggage Theme and Format

03:43 Healing Past Hurt

08:53 Closure and Accountability Debate

17:50 Unspoken Expectations and Lists

21:55 Standards Versus Control

29:11 When to Commit

33:17 Hair and Appearance Preferences

36:13 Gym Meet Cute

36:44 Natural vs Glam

38:02 Hair Choices Explained

39:31 Dating at Church

42:33 Insecurity and Confidence

51:01 Dating Multiple People

01:02:17 Final Takeaways and Wrap

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

But again, you have to be realistic with yourself because it's not fair to get into another situation with someone new and you're still carrying that and now this person is being penalized or this person is being accused of things that they have no idea of because these are things that are still swirling in their mind.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

I think too many people out here are um looking for love or looking for companionship and they haven't uh become old in themselves and um being old to carry those those skeletons that are back into the into the next relationship.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

I don't need no explanation why you can go, I don't care. And if I leave somebody's life, I left it for a reason. And whether they were backstabbers or they just was just a terrible person, whatever. Just taking away my happiness, my jewel, my peace. I just go. I don't I don't have to explain myself, I just go. And don't nobody gotta explain to me why they left my life. That's just that's just what I believe. I don't need it. Once it becomes the past, I ain't gonna left a life. So I ain't gonna I ain't bringing nothing for myself and no one else. I don't know what it's gonna be.

SPEAKER_06 2:05

Always here with us, always supporting. We are her presents, and we are just honored that you are always here. We are asking that you share. We ask that you go onto YouTube and subscribe. If you know people that it would um uh be edified by the things that we talk about here on her her presence, please share with them. Uh make sure that you uh visit us on all the uh video, the podcast uh platforms that you have. We're on those major ones and all of the social media platforms. Okay, so I am Andrea Wormley. Um, and I have my co-host here, Melissa Benson, and I have Kailden Moore, and then we have four guests, possibly a fifth one. We'll see what happens. So we have four guests. We have my sister Sheila, and I have my sister Teresa. I don't know, my brother Steven.

SPEAKER_05 3:19

Stephen single button, so the uh sushi.

unknown 3:23

Oh yo.

SPEAKER_07 3:26

And then I have my brother Bon.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Good morning, good afternoon, wherever you guys are. Hey, hey.

SPEAKER_06 3:35

All right, so you know, this is the third time that we have done an episode with single and dating. The first time we did it, it was with ladies, and then the second time we're with our brothers, and now we have everyone together. Um, so what we're going to do, I don't know if you can see our bag uh in the front here. This season we're talking about the bags that we carry, right? Um, and so we thought it would be cute to have our luggage here and the different, and if you can see the stickers on there, it's the different places that maybe we've been, we've all been, and places that we're trying to go, right? Sometimes the stickers fall off, sometimes they need to fall off, right? Um, sometimes we stick new ones on there, maybe because you know it's a it gives you a good feeling. Um but inside this luggage, we have uh uh other questions or questions that actually came off of the other episodes that we want to kind of revisit. Um and so I'm going to try to set the atmosphere for um our ladies and our and our and our gentlemen um in the way of just if you were going to give advice to your uh adult kid, if you were going to give advice to your brother or your sister, how would you answer these questions or how would you well how would you discuss these different points? Okay. Um so okay, listen, you're close to the day. Want to grab one of the questions out of the bag? I sure do. So here we go.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

First question off the bag. Let's do it. And I'm just gonna direct it to different people. So I direct it to one male and then one female so that we can get a perspective from both sides, and then now we'll drop right in. So I'm gonna propose it to, I'll start with Teresa and I'll start with Bon. How about that? So my question is healing from past experiences, I want you to think about that. How can we make sure past hurt doesn't shape how we treat someone now? That's a good question. So, how can I mean from our last discussion, there was a lot of talk about some of that baggage that we bring into relationships, and we talked a lot about about the hurts of things in the past, not wanting someone else to suffer. So, give some advice to the prospective people that are out there dating and looking for a mate. How can we ensure that doesn't happen? Teresa, I'll let you start. Ladies and okay.

SPEAKER_03 6:26

All right, thank you so much. So, assuring that we are not taking past hurt or past situations into a new situation, I think the best thing to do is identify it. Like, first of all, we have to be realistic with ourselves and know that, hey, this is something that hurt me, this is something that um changed me in a way that I need to take a step back and evaluate it and look at ways to be able to recover. Now, sometimes situations happen and we don't get closure, and that's hurtful too. But along with that, you know, then we have to come up with a method to understand that sometime closure is not going to be given, but you still can move on. But again, you have to be realistic with yourself because it's not fair to get into another situation with someone new and you're still carrying that, and now this person is being penalized, or this person is being accused of things that they have no idea of, because these are things that are still swirling in your mind. You should identify the fact that you need to start with a clean slate with someone new because this person doesn't know anything, this person has not done anything to you. So we want to make sure that we're being fair because we want that same fairness given to us. It's good. It's really good.

SPEAKER_02 7:55

Von what do you have for us?

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Same question. I think that's yeah, yeah, that's um great input there. I think that um I think one of the one of the biggest things that can help uh a situation is being able to uh be accountable for your um your past traumas and and essentially just seeking um really therapy. Um I think I think too many people out here are um looking for love or what looking for companionship and they haven't um become whole within themselves. And what that does is that um not being whole allows you to carry those those skeletons, that baggage into the into the next relationship. A lot of times we don't you don't really under know the baggage that you carry. You know, there's traumas not just in relationships, but in how we will um uh how we were raised past relationships, experiences, um, and identifying those traumas from an individual standpoint will help um give the next person to meet, you know, uh a clean slate. So, you know, how can we ensure that those um that baggage is not, you know, take on to the next person who's coming to you, you know, just peers day with great intentions. Um, but regardless of how how good the intentions are, if you're not whole within yourself to be open to um give you know the person the benefit of the doubt or to give the pair the person the grace um and have that faith and understanding um as you move forward in any relationship, it's gonna be very challenging um if you don't have you know have accountability um and do the work on your part to you know to to address you know some of those some of that baggage.

SPEAKER_06 9:45

That's good. I like how um both of you, you know, you were saying, you know, uh you were talking about closure, and you know, you may not be that person may not be able to give you the closure that you need, but there are other ways to get closure. I like how Von was saying that, you know, uh you have to understand um I mean you're not gonna always have a clean slate going into the next uh uh relationship. That's just I I don't know if that's realistic, but I think that it is uh uh understanding, uh understandable and reasonable to if I'm at this age right here, it's reasonable to to to see that somebody could still be dealing with something and then be understanding with that and and giving grace, as he said, um, and looking beyond maybe um understanding that this person is working through filter and looking uh beyond that and seeing, you know, I'm I'm gonna love the hurt out of you. That's good. Um okay, what's the next question? Oh, did somebody else?

SPEAKER_02 10:56

I wanted to say something on that closure part too. Um, I think too, Von mentioned about therapy. So we have to get in a space where we embrace therapy. Everyone can benefit from some form of therapy. And then um, I would recommend too for that closure piece. If you're not getting it from that individual, you can do something yourself. Write them a letter and you can burn that letter. That's a part of closing that book and saying, I'm done with that. And it's a way to move forward, but at least and you are getting it out of your system. Because many times things stay in our system, and we never release those things. And then we keep carrying it forward and forward. And the side just keeps going down on your overhalf.

SPEAKER_06 11:47

There it is.

SPEAKER_07 11:49

You haven't no reason at all. I think Von's gonna. Oh, yes, yes, sir.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Yeah, and that's a great uh point, Melissa, because what happens is when you don't release um the um the charm is the the baggage, when it releases it, it's hard to show grace to the next person. Yes. Because you want to hold on to your hurt, your pain, and you don't you you can't see the goodness in that person. You just see the the the the things that irritate you, right? But like like Ms. Saying, being able to, you know, have a uh a resource or uh an element where you can just behold, get rid of things, and then then you can identify maybe that person's you know issues, you can help them through those issues versus seeing as a threat.

SPEAKER_03 12:32

And that's that loving you through it. Yes, yeah, right. And then even that to go even a little bit further, just think about it. If you're holding that in, what is that doing to your health and your body? Yes, mm-hmm. You're I got a quick question. Corrupting yourself.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

What if you what if you don't believe in closure and you don't care about that stuff? Because I don't believe in closure. I don't need closure and I don't give closure.

SPEAKER_06 13:03

What do you mean by that? Like give give us an example when you say because I know that uh a lot of times our definition of of uh of a word is different. So what do you what's your definition of closure?

SPEAKER_00 13:17

I just like for example, if a person leaves my life, I I don't need no explanation why you can go. I don't care. And if I leave somebody's life, I left it for a reason. And uh whether they were backstabbers or they just uh was just a terrible per whatever, just just uh taking away my my happiness, my joy, my peace. I just go. I don't I don't have to explain myself, I just go and don't nobody gotta explain to me why they left my life. That's just that's just what I believe. I don't need closure.

SPEAKER_06 13:50

Okay. Um but I think we need to define closure though, because that's not how I define closure, what you just said. But because this is a single thing, any one of the ladies or even Von, but any other ladies, could you guys tell me what your definition of closure is?

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Well, what as far as the question, what I'm saying is don't nobody have to worry about me bringing the past into my present if I'm dating somebody, whatever, because all that stuff is dead to me. Once it becomes the past, it ain't coming back to life. So I ain't got I ain't bringing nothing with me but myself and who I am. That's just that's what I'm saying. I don't, I don't care about what happened back then. It's it's done.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

But I think you're doing a form of closure though, and I think that's why the definition is so important because you've already identified things in that individual. So you didn't just they did one thing and you, I'm out, but it had been become a series of things where you identified there were some issues with that individual. So you were building your closure case before it even happened.

SPEAKER_09 14:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:58

So you got to a point that you're like, I'm I'm this, I'm done. This is over, and now this is dead to me. That is a form of closure because you've identified factors and things in that individual that you just decided it's a non-negotiable.

SPEAKER_06 15:12

And you don't have to ruminate on it anymore, you don't have to marinate on that thing anymore. You were it's you're good. I'm good.

SPEAKER_07 15:19

Yeah, those discussions were were were being had throughout the process, and then it just comes to a halt.

SPEAKER_06 15:25

Some people hold on, yeah, yeah. And so then that's what in you know, there's some closure needed that needs to be had. Um, you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:37

And Steve seems like the person that is very upfront. So I don't think if he removes himself from a situation of the city. You already know. I think it'll be abundantly clear.

SPEAKER_07 15:53

But you know, but Steve, I mean, like I said, we were saying, and and you've made it clear is that by the time the relationship is over, we already know the reason why it's over. It's for those that you're in a relationship and they go ghost. And there weren't conversations throughout that. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Good point, Kevin.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

I was just saying the one thing I always hate to people say, well, maybe they don't know that they're doing it. I don't believe that people know when they're doing things, folks, to irritate them or talk, make make the relationship toxic, all that stuff. They know it. It's just that so many people letting them get in away, have letting them get away with it and never made them take accountability for what they're doing.

SPEAKER_05 16:34

That's true, Hannibal.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

That's true. Especially if the person treats them great and doesn't treat them like like the sorry people do, the sorry ones do, they're gonna make that person suffer just for just for being good to them, right? So just nobody ever holds them accountable. So I'm not gonna explain to you what you're doing because you already know what you're doing, so I'm just out, you know, and I'm I I'm just gonna block you from everything. You can't get a hold of me. There's no trace of me. That's how I feel. Just stay away from it, rocks.

SPEAKER_04 17:09

I think you might have some people that have been hurt for so many years that may not know what they are doing. Because some people are skilled sometimes, too.

SPEAKER_06 17:20

Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_04 17:21

That is good.

SPEAKER_06 17:22

Did y'all hear what uh your voice is uh very soft?

SPEAKER_04 17:27

Yeah, so repeat what you said there. There are some possibilities that come along where you do have some people that have been hurt for so long that they don't know what they are doing in relationships.

SPEAKER_06 17:39

Yeah, yeah, and I I I agree with that. Say it again, uh, Brother Steve.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

I I'm like a robot. Once I program myself to believe something, my mindset refuses to believe that. And that's no offense. You're right, but my mindset refuses to say that that's what's that's the reason.

SPEAKER_06 18:00

You know, and we and we go until we get wisdom and then we change. That's why, you know, I'm no longer the old person or whatever. And and I and I agree with what he's saying. I can only I can only be who I am right now, right? Um, if I grew up in a household, y'all, though, where my mom and dad never showed me how to uh vacuum. True, you don't have skills. Everybody else know how to vacuum. And y'all come over my house, I get you know, all sorts of stuff all on the floor and this, that, and the other. And they look at like you ought to know. And we'll say this I shouldn't have to tell her. She should know better than this. And I'm looking like, why they treat me like this, you know? And come on over. We don't want to come over. Why? You know, you know, if I never learn how to do it, I I I am not self-aware of that. And I and so I think that that's something also, but I do agree that, you know, uh, I can only be who I am. Even in that situation, I can only be who I am, and I'm not understanding it until somebody tells me. Right. And a lot of times communication is really key. Like this is what is going on.

SPEAKER_04 19:12

Um you do better, you learn better.

SPEAKER_07 19:15

You learn, yeah, you learn.

SPEAKER_09 19:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 19:17

And Vaughn gonna teach you. Yeah. Vaughn and Steven gonna teach you. I don't understand. One way or the other. And that would be probably more gonna tell you you need to go learn some. You're gonna figure it out in a minute. We got big ages.

SPEAKER_06 19:38

Right. Okay, so I already pulled another one. Okay, I'm sorry. Oh, okay. Um, I already pulled another one out of the bag. Okay. Excuse me. So um, okay, so one of the episodes, I think it was with the, I can't remember the ladies we talked about this. I I think we did, but I know we talked about this with the guys um in their episode, and we and the concept of having lists came up. L-I-S T, the idea of having a list. Um, and so here's the question up do people have unspoken expectations even when they say they don't? And how do those expectations influence dating? And let me I'm gonna I'm gonna just stop right there. Uh I'll read this again. Do people have unspoken expectations even when they say they don't? How do these expectations influence dating? So I am going to um we're gonna ask uh Steve and then we're gonna ask Sheila. Uh so either one of y'all can go first.

SPEAKER_04 20:52

I think that um they do have um unspoken expectations when it comes to a lot of that comes from I think past relationships. Um when it comes to um I want to put this. Um there a lot of those lists comes from their cultural backgrounds, their faith, their beliefs. They do have those um expectations. I think comes from misunderstandings and building their relationships. Um one way to uh what was the the follow-up question that you had?

SPEAKER_06 21:38

Um and how do they those expectations influence their dating?

SPEAKER_04 21:44

Um how they influence their dating is you have to kind of overlook some of the things that that people bring to you. Um

SPEAKER_06 22:01

Meaning like being willing to Right.

SPEAKER_04 22:04

You have um you have that the resentment sometimes that that turns into frustration. Um I I think I'm gonna leave it there.

SPEAKER_06 22:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 22:20

Okay. Steve, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

I guess like I said the last time, I don't believe in expectations, so I don't I don't expect nothing out of a person but to be on a child. So um when it comes to dating and somebody starts talking about what they expect out of me, I prefer to just go ahead and end it right there. Don't nobody tell me what to do. Don't nobody tell me what they expect out of me. I'm me, and I'm not changing for nobody. So I really just go ahead and end it right there. Because I'm not gonna stop being myself just to make just to secure somebody's insecurity. I'm not doing that. So if you don't like me for who I am, I don't need you nowhere because I treat people like they're always temporary. I ain't gonna treat somebody in the beginning like they're forever, or like a whatever you call it. I treat people like they're a season. If they're not a season, great. But and that's friendships, even family or in relationships.

SPEAKER_06 23:24

I'm glad I'm not a season. You know, you my brother forever.

SPEAKER_07 23:31

You made it.

SPEAKER_05 23:31

No, I'm very made it. I'm just playing with you.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

But but it's definitely like relationships. I ain't gonna, I don't care if I'm with somebody for five or ten years, it could end just like that, you know. So I just I just rather just go ahead and go on by my business because I feel like when people start talking about that, they just trying to find a way to control that person. I ain't getting into that stuff. So why not weaken and emasculating myself just to make somebody happy?

SPEAKER_06 23:57

What are some lists though? Like, what are some things? Because I think lists can be positive. I feel like they can. Like, you know, I want someone who knows who knows God. I want, you know, someone who understands we have some commonality in some things, right? You know, that could be on the list. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 24:14

But as far as, I mean, when we say lists, now there are some people who have, oh, they have to be this height and they have to be that. So list is, but as far as standards, that's something different. I like it. You know, your standards. My standard is I would like someone who loves God, I do want someone that is gainfully employed, I do want someone that is respectful, loyal. So standards and lists and expectations, they kind of mesh together, but where you're letting it flow would determine, you know, the different individual.

SPEAKER_06 24:52

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

So I hear list really is a what if the person you're with is nation of Islam instead of Christian, whatever.

SPEAKER_03 25:00

Well, I mean, if they have a different religion, those are things that you find out in the beginning. Yeah, if they have a different religion, then that would be something that I mean, I'm not against it because you have some type of form of loving God, you know, in your way in your way. So that would be a discussion that would need to be had.

unknown 25:19

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

Well, what I'm saying is, yeah, I'm Christian, of course. You know, Pastor Worm is my pastor, but what I'm saying is I'm not gonna hold it against somebody just because they're Islamic or Hinduism. I'm not gonna hold that against them. Oh, it's it's over with now because you're their religion. I'm not doing it now. If you're a Satanist, that's a whole different story, right? But I'm not gonna hold that against someone, like I said, you know.

SPEAKER_03 25:41

And I didn't say that, what I said was, you know, a standard or what my preference is would be that you love God and things of that nature. But if I ran into someone that, you know, we have a good vibe, we have a good connection, and they say, hey, this is my religion, our religions are different, then that would be a discussion. But it would not be a deal breaker, and I think that's what you're asking.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

Oh, wait, or wait, oh no, they don't have to explain it to me though.

SPEAKER_06 26:13

Von, I I heard you uh clear your throat. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Um, the the list thing, um it's a I guess it's a thing that women have created over the years.

SPEAKER_06 26:29

I think men have it too. I I'm just gonna put that in there, but go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

Okay. They do. They do. Subconsciously. So social media social media has has changed a lot of um for a personal relationship. But the reality is is that nowadays so many people are getting divorced after 20, 25, 30 years of marriage. Right? They get married young, and kids get out of high school, college, they grow up, and people get divorced at at record numbers. Um and these expectations, these lists that we we come up with, we didn't have them 20, 30 years ago. That's that's my point. You know, at this stage of life, we if you're in your 40s and 50s and you're dating, yeah, you're gonna say, I want somebody that that's employed, somebody that you know is this tall, that draws this car, that has this house, or blazing blazing blah. But when we were younger, we didn't we didn't have this list. You you just you just met somebody, you got to know good, bad, elements differently. So this list nowadays is a restriction that you set yourself up for failure, or not for failure, but you to to be, you know, in a in the lane that you're gonna be, you know, by yourself forever. And if and some people are found there, someone's gonna find with you know dying alone. Okay, cool. But if if you are in in a space where you want to be in in a partner, uh in a partnership, unionship, um, it's gotta come organically. Right? Is it it's so depending on where your heart is, where your head is, um, and where your where your spirit is, where your traumas are, would dictate, okay, this person may not, you know, may not have X, Y, and Z, but I I can I can I got their back. You know? And it's it's not the 50-50 rule, it's the 100-100 rule. Right? So when you go into an into any relationship, you want to give 100% of whatever you can. That person has to receive 100% of whatever you can. These lists kind of they restrict the organic growing of any relationship. Did that make any sense?

SPEAKER_06 28:28

Yeah, it does, and it does. Go ahead, Melissa. I see moving your mind.

SPEAKER_02 28:33

I don't like what Teresa said. She said it is standards, and I I don't think there's anything wrong with having standards and having trying to match compatibilities because we're not compatible with everyone, and we just have to know that going in. So I could say it in a Stevens format. I'm not even gonna waste your time for me. Right. And you know, when I was dating, um for me, you had to be a Christian. That's just my desire to have someone in the same faith and believe what I believe. So if that you don't believe that, then you're not the person for me. You may be a great candidate for someone else, but you wouldn't be compatible with me because I believe what the scripture says. We need to be on the same accord. And so we would not be on the same accord if you do that, then you don't serve the God that I serve. So we would not be compatible.

SPEAKER_07 29:24

And and not all lists are bad.

SPEAKER_02 29:26

No.

SPEAKER_07 29:26

I mean, it is a standard, you know, and it it and we should have a standard. Yes. Um, you know, there's lists that are artificial, right, you know, superficial, and then there are the the grown folk list. Right, right. You know, when you have reached a certain age, you know, I'm not gonna, I'm not the club type of thing. You know, I'm I I have a certain standard um and how I kind of operate and kind of play. And if that is not where we're at, it's okay. It doesn't mean that we need to date, we can still be friends. And it's still a relationship. And it's still a relationship. And you want to go to a concert? I want to go to a concert. Let's go. It doesn't mean that we're dating, but you know, you could be a hangout person. But I I agree with you. You know, we have to have some level of understanding and and agreement if we're going to be dating, right? You know.

SPEAKER_01 30:16

So that that that's a great point. And having have a level of understanding is different from cutting somebody off because you can have a list or you can say this is this is what I would like. And that person would be, you know what, you know what? I may like that. Let me try that. Or you know what? That's interesting. Let me go down that road. But too often people cut people off without giving them opportunity to give them feedback or to see even what where they stand. If it's a hard no, no, I'm not gonna be a Christian. It's a hard no, no, I'm not gonna work. Okay, that's that's one thing. You know, right, right. Um but but like being being compatible and making the right choice with that person is more significant, I think, than anything else. Because a lot of times people we choose your wrong person and we we we compromise our beliefs, that part thinking that they're gonna change. That's a lot of issues.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

And I heard Steven say something that just jumped in my head, and I just want to ask if it's okay with the ladies for me to ask this question. He said, I could be with someone for five to ten years. I want to know how long should we be in a relationship and dating before we should be expecting it to be something serious?

SPEAKER_06 31:28

But I will I will say that he wasn't just talking about dating, he was just saying friend or any kind of a relationship. Okay, okay. But go ahead. I'm sorry, it you want to ask it again? How long? How long?

SPEAKER_02 31:40

Great question. Yeah, if you're if you're dating, I want to from a male's, I guess, because we have the men here, so from a male's perspective, um, what what are you guys' expectation when it comes to if you're dating someone? When do you feel that you're at the point where you want to commit and be married to that individual? Is there is there something that stands out in your mind? I mean, I've heard things from brothers and things like that that I know within three to six months if I'm gonna marry this individual or I'm gonna propose to that individual, I already know. So is that do you guys have that, or is that just something I've heard, but it doesn't apply to you? And it I'm not saying all men, but just curious.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

No, uh yeah, I there's definitely we we know when we know. Okay. And we know what what happens is if it, if it, if it, if it drags on for whatever reason, this gotta be communication. You gotta have check-ins, you gotta have, you know, weekly, monthly check-ins, and you gotta be aligned for the end game. If if the two of you get together to eventually be married, then cool, that's where the alignment, that's where the choosing apartment comes into. You don't want to choose somebody that's saying you know what, I don't know if I'm gonna get married. Maybe no down the road. Now, if you want to, you know, entertain that without without a commitment of you know, getting married or engaged and things, then whether it's five years or ten years, you from the from the get-go, you haven't set that standard as to, okay, we can do this. We see a woman today, we're like, Oh, she's wife material. I I I can wife her. That's that's something I was like, okay. If I'm I'm a wife, I'm I'm a wife with within within six months, within three, six months. I'm gonna feel fully comfortable and confident that this is that I'm I'm moving in this direction. But if you allow me to lead you on for three or four, five, six years, and in in my head, I'm not ready to do it. You allow me to do it.

SPEAKER_02 33:34

There it is. I'm gonna hear, yes, nothing.

SPEAKER_06 33:41

Because it's not just women who have these types, it's men. Yes, everyone has whether you want to call it a standard or a list, both sides have that going in. But I think some some might be more tolerant than others. Sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 33:59

I think some women get in relationships and they're excited and they, you know, they enjoy this person and they feel like if I have this discussion, now it's taboo. Now we cannot untalk about it, we cannot unsee it, and they're afraid of the response.

SPEAKER_09 34:15

Right.

SPEAKER_03 34:16

Because if the response is not what we're anticipating, then now where do we go? Or do we continue? Right. Because now I'm I'm accepting it. Because if he doesn't give the response that I want, but we have this wonderful relationship. Now I'm complicit to us not moving forward in a fully committed way.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

Yeah, well, yeah, that's exactly right.

SPEAKER_03 34:43

It's uh the list.

SPEAKER_06 34:46

It's uh, you know, it made me think about something that was said um before about, you know, I am looking for a woman that has natural hair, um long natural hair, or I can't remember how it was, you know, da-da-da-da-da, right? Which honestly, you know, that's a standard, that's a list, that's on the list, right? It didn't come from the woman's side. I'm just gonna say that.

SPEAKER_07 35:11

But I'm gonna say this how much preference that no, they didn't say preference.

SPEAKER_06 35:18

Must have. How much should a woman's hairstyle, though, and this is for the ladies, how much uh should a woman's hairstyle or appearance define how she's viewed, and what does it say about personal expression? Any one of y'all?

SPEAKER_03 35:38

I mean, that is so open because I could be having just went to the gym, go to H E V. Okay, I'm gonna put my phone down because we about to get into it. Go ahead. Grabbing my dinner for the evening, and commonly, and women, you may, you know, we you sisters may agree when you are not dialed up or dressed up or with all of it, then that's when the man approaches you exactly. Hey, I see you, and you know, what is your name? And that's when you're approached. Now, when you are together, of course, you know, you clean up well, you look good, but I think what I have noticed is most real men or men that you know that you would want, they accept you and prefer you to be just your natural self, which is really what was it.

SPEAKER_06 36:31

Right, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 36:34

Great point.

SPEAKER_07 36:34

Well, but however, when we clean up, now y'all like it too, right?

SPEAKER_03 36:39

But but you know, in those scenarios and situations, they'll be like, well, you know what? Now I know one thing, I like her natural, but when we go out, yes, she's that girl, right?

SPEAKER_07 36:49

But but you are correct. I mean, you could look so coming from the gym, tore up, and you'll get more people reaching out. You see, tore up, tore up. Say it again, Von.

SPEAKER_01 37:02

Do you do you guys know why that is? Why why we feel that way?

SPEAKER_03 37:05

Do share. Do share.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

No, so you guys don't know?

SPEAKER_07 37:11

You gonna share. You know what? Question and share, share.

SPEAKER_01 37:17

Let me tell you, let me let me nugget. Because when we see a woman that's naturally beauty, we we want to wake up to that in the morning. We don't want to wake up to somebody, you know, that looked different the night before the next morning that you know. And you rocking up, okay, because a lot of times all that makeup in the hair, that's for other women. It's not necessarily for us.

SPEAKER_08 37:37

That is true.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

That's for me too. It's true.

SPEAKER_06 37:39

Not for other women. Well, it's it's yeah, it's true.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

And we want to wake up to that in the morning. We don't want the makeup on on a on the pillowcases or on our best breads, and you know, and hair hanging in the sides on side of the bed.

SPEAKER_07 37:51

What he said hanging on the side of the bed.

SPEAKER_06 37:56

No, they're in the closet on their under their name. On the shoulder hand because you don't washed it.

SPEAKER_07 38:03

My hair, uh we lose bond. Did we lose bond? No. Okay, okay, all right.

SPEAKER_06 38:13

Too crazy. Uh anybody else, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 38:19

What's your thoughts? As I said, say it again, Steven.

SPEAKER_00 38:29

Uh if I meet someone at the gym, I mean, that's good. That means we already got something in common.

SPEAKER_07 38:34

True, that is true.

SPEAKER_00 38:35

You know, so if I see you like that and you look good to me in the natural, yeah, I mean, yeah, that's that's an automatic point right there. Yeah, I'm good with that. I don't I don't want to see you with a bunch of makeup, wig, whatever you got going on that you feel like makes you feel good. I want to see you how you are before you go to bed at night. You know what I mean? How you wake up because ain't nobody don't nobody go to bed looking perfect and wake up looking perfect. There's no such thing. So yeah, let me see you for your natural sense. So, like I said, if I see you somewhere at the gym, we already got something in common. So that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_06 39:14

Yeah, thank y'all for that. No, I will say this though. Uh, I will say that uh all these things are self-expression, also. Just like uh I like colored tennis shoes, I will pop some colored contacts in. Just because I'm like, ooh, that's cute, you know, you know, and not necessarily, you know, even if when I was dating, not necessarily to attract someone. It's just like I thought that was cute today. Yeah, you know, um, that's how I felt this morning. You know, uh I might see somebody walk and say, Oh, okay, I'm gonna give me some braids. You know, my hair only goes as long as but I like the braids that come down and curl at the bottom. I'm doing that, you know, because I'm going to Jamaica and I don't want to be doing my hair. I want to jump in the water, get out, switch like that, and keep going. Be like Stella. Right now.

SPEAKER_07 40:03

Be like Stella.

SPEAKER_06 40:04

But that's that's also self-expression, and I want to say that also. Um, it's but some people, y'all, men too, because you know they wear, and I see some men, but some what? You get um, but anyway, um, I may have something going on with my hair. Like I might have, what is it called? Alapisha. Yeah, yeah. Um, I could have, I do know a sister that she keeps her hair berated and she puts uh um, she either has wigs on or she has um uh we weave in. Her hair is actually longer than the weave she's putting in, but it's because it's so thick and it takes so long to do it. And it's and because where how she works, or she's in corporate America or whatever, she has to, she can't be spending three hours as an African-American woman. Right, you can't be spending three hours every morning trying to get just at least my even if I ain't gonna put no makeup on, trying to get my hair together so that I can look decent when I go up in here to do these meetings or whatever. So I will say that sometimes it is necessary, uh, sometimes it is a self-expression. But it is nice to be able to just go be natural and and still be, you know, uh beautiful, right? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 41:30

Can I say this one thing? Sure, as far as experience. Okay, well, I said that meeting somebody at the gym, but there is one place I will not talk to a woman at because I the worst experiences have been probably at this very place. I would not talk to a woman at church. I knew you say that. I knew you were gonna say that.

SPEAKER_06 41:49

Yeah, I knew that. I knew that was coming. That's hard. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:52

Talk to a woman at church. I they have been the worst of the worst experiences, though. The ones I've met at church and actually, I will never do that again. Yeah, wow.

SPEAKER_06 42:01

I I think that's a whole episode. There it is. That has some thoughts. Certainly is around the point. How I'm trying to present at church, how I'm trying to be, what the what the quote standard is, end quote. So I think that that is just really good. Um, so just uh whoever heard that, the listening in, just don't think about that.

SPEAKER_07 42:23

Okay, I like so that's on his list. Yes, that's on his list.

SPEAKER_03 42:26

But you know, it's unfortunate because that's common. That's a a common experience. Like even from uh uh my perspective, I've it's been not successful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 42:39

Because you let me be quiet. Okay. Behind the veil. Behind the veil, give me the veil. Let's go on to what's the blue.

SPEAKER_07 42:49

I really need to see the natural youth.

SPEAKER_06 42:51

See what we have to pray for.

SPEAKER_07 42:52

But anyway. Right, get over that land hand. Don't land hand, suddenly. Come on. We just said everybody in church is not delivered. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 43:12

Um, okay, I think maybe let's pull another one one from you wanna pull.

unknown 43:20

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_07 43:26

I'm gonna say Steven first. Okay. What advice would you give your adult child, sister, or brother when it comes to following to the following questions? Oh, there we go. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_08 43:53

Um this is a different question, I'm sorry. Well, this is going back to the list.

SPEAKER_06 44:00

Oh, okay. Well, maybe try this one. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 44:15

Okay, it's invisible ink.

SPEAKER_07 44:28

Because we went into other okay, okay. Insecurities and intimidation. Okay. How do insecurities or intimidation show up when someone approaches a potential partner? And how can we build confidence in those moments? How do insecurities or intimidation show up when someone approaches a potential partner?

SPEAKER_00 45:03

And how can we build confidence in those putting that person down and try to find every little thing negative about them right then and there? To make themselves feel better.

SPEAKER_06 45:14

And so, and then how do we build confidence so those kind of things don't happen? Like if you were giving advice to uh one of one of your adult kids, because I know you got adult kids. Uh, if you were how if they were like, Dad, how can I build confidence when I'm feeling a certain way um when they're approaching a partner?

SPEAKER_00 45:39

Well, I mean that's really on them because I'm like, you shouldn't be trying to intimidate somebody that you want to talk to or want to date. If you if you see a potential partner, why do you feel intimidated? Why do you feel like you gotta be insecure about it? Because if you see a potential partner, they're only gonna say one of two, one of two things, yes or no. So that if that person says no, you walk off and you act like it never happened. But if you're gonna if you if you're sitting there and y'all are having conversation, y'all don't be sitting there trying to make that person feel like they're less than or you're trying to belittle them just because you're insecure and you're intimidated. No, just just be normal. Because if you're insecure, intimidated by somebody you're sitting there talking to and you want to you want to try and pursue something with, that's you bringing up your little past that you don't want to let go of. That's you bringing up your traumas that you don't want to let go because you feel like you got to make that person feel like they're not good enough for you before everything even starts. So that's a you problem, that's not a me problem. And if you're going to do that to somebody as soon as you you know you want to talk to them, don't even waste their time. Keep going, leave that person alone if that's all you're gonna do to somebody. Um that's that's just pretty much it.

SPEAKER_07 47:11

Yeah, intentions, their intentions, and that's really good.

SPEAKER_03 47:16

And if they're doing it to you, then definitely walk away. Yeah, because that's that's a precursor for how that relationship is gonna go. That's a pattern. Yeah, that's a pattern.

SPEAKER_00 47:28

If if I if I if I if I like somebody and we start talking, I want her to know in the beginning, when you're with me, you're gonna always feel safe. You're never gonna feel like you're a like you're not good enough. I'm never gonna make you feel that way. That's not what that's all about. All I'm doing is showing that I'm not good enough or I'm insecure. I'm not gonna make you feel that way. I always want you to feel safe around me. You know what I mean? I always want you if the one person that you know that's gonna help you feel safe when you're scared, or you you're always gonna feel protected with me. And you ain't gotta, you ain't gotta let your guard up, you ain't gotta do all these things to make yourself feel like, well, I gotta push him away because he's gonna in it in it eventually he's gonna change up and he's gonna start treating me like the others treated me, whatever, doing that. No, I don't do that. You know what I'm saying? You that's good. I like even like if if I'm if I'm dating somebody, I'm not dating nobody else. I don't put my time and focus into multiple people. You know what I mean? I want one person to know who I am. I don't care what other people think or know about me, I don't care how they feel. I want to know how you feel about me. But if you're gonna make me feel like I'm less than, then we can go ahead and end it right there because I ain't gonna make you feel that way. I'm gonna always make you feel like you're important, you're special, and you're valuable. But if you start making me feel the complete, if I don't get the same energy, oh, that's out the door. I'm not even gonna ask you to make, I'm not even gonna ask you to treat me like I treat you. Right. If you can't do that as a mature adult, what I gotta ask you for? No, just it's just time to go. It's just time to let it go because I've been sitting here treating you great this whole time, but yet every time I turn around, everything I do is not good enough, or it's just something you have to find to complain about. Man, I ain't wasting my time and energy on that. Yeah, I nobody's perfect in that, and I'm not gonna treat nobody like that person in your genuine self.

SPEAKER_04 49:33

Just be just be yourself, just keep it simple. Yeah, yeah, it's simple.

SPEAKER_00 49:38

Don't think different on uh uh to accommodate me. I want you to be who you are because I want to remember that same person five to ten years from now, 20 years from now. I don't want you to change up unless you're doing something to better you, right? To grow, that's cool. But don't do it for me. I don't want you to do nothing for me, especially when it comes to yourself. Don't do nothing for me, do it for yourself. Because I ain't changing nothing about me to make you happy. I only change things about me that makes me happy. It ain't my responsibility to make you happy, no way. Because I'm gonna be happy regardless whether you're miserable or sad. I'm gonna be happy. You ain't taking my joy and happiness, ease of way, and that's the problem with like my past marriages, relationships. The things that that I always remember, just probably about 80 to 90 percent of them. The reason why I don't care about marriage relationships like I used to is because most of them they rob me of my joy, my peace, and my happiness. And I ain't let nobody take that from me ever again. And I will ride this life, this great thing called life alone without anybody to keep my joy, my peace, and my happiness. Now, if somebody comes along and they don't want to do that, they don't rob me of that. Great. But to be no, to know this, I don't need you and I'll never need you. But if you come in my life, I'm gonna treat you like I'm gonna treat you like you're the best thing ever happened to me. But once you go, I don't care.

SPEAKER_06 51:12

And uh thank you for that. And I I can see that there are some thoughts, but Vaughn, I think you were I it looks like you were trying to say something also or wanted to say something.

SPEAKER_01 51:26

Um I mean you know, everybody has their their their their perception how they judge people. But if if people can understand that, you know, when you when you judge other people, that's where these uh elements come into play. Um and I would tell people, uh, family, friends, you know, going to relationship, you know, you you haven't walked in that person's shoes, so you can't judge them for the decisions that they that they made. You don't know what they had who they had to work with to make those decisions or where they are. So seeing people who they are, you know, is is is a start. And like Steve is saying, you gotta be happy within yourself. You can't expect someone else to change you or you change for them. So that's what this being grounded is so important and understanding the people is different. And if you're gonna approach a man or a woman, you gotta come, you know, with the with the open mind and an open heart. Um, a lot of times, you know, the traumas prevent us from doing that. Um so you know, being able to understand, you know, the the other side of the coin per se is is important when it comes to, you know, um getting into that that sort of environment.

SPEAKER_06 52:36

That's good. That's good. Um, okay. So it we it looks like we have maybe about five more minutes. I do have one last question, and it actually is something that um Steve brought up. Um, so I'm gonna ask a question. I'm not sure someone had comments about what uh Steve Arvon just said. Um, so but but I'm gonna put this out here and then whatever y'all want to do with that. Um so Stephen has said something about uh dating multiple people. Um, and and that's not acceptable for him, you know. Um, is it acceptable to date multiple people when there is no exclusivity, though? Like we there's nobody's exclusive yet. Is it okay to date multiple people? Acceptable, and what does healthy, transparent dating in that situation looks like look like? So take whatever you want and go. That's good.

SPEAKER_02 53:37

Can't wait to hear this.

SPEAKER_03 53:41

I think um if there's no exclusivity, then yes, it's okay to you know take dinner dates or lunches or meetups and you know, just talk because at this point, um, I guess you kind of view it as a job. Because in a job, when you're seeking out a job, you're gonna go for you, you may apply for multiple things. And the one that comes back to you that has the best benefits, the you know, the best outcome for you, the best income, um, that's the one that you're gonna go for. But as you're interviewing, it's a it's a dual interviewing process because when you go in, they're interviewing you, but also you should be interviewing them where you have questions and you try to get to know about this person and what their background is and things of that nature. Now, it's an individual thing because some people don't want to put their attention to multiple people, but I guess in this environment that we're in, it would be acceptable. And then, you know, unfortunately for the applicants who do not make it, then you send your thank you for applying. You know, at least let them know, like, hey, you know, I think I want to be, you know, but also in the beginning, you know, you have to communicate that. So that's the fair thing, the most right fair thing to do is to be open and honest. Say, hey, I'm I'm dating, I'm single. Mostly when men say they're single, then it's understood that that means that they're taking other applicants' applications as well. And, you know, it's just an open situation, you know, as far as what those interview processes go through, that's based on the individual because people say I'm an adult, so I can do this or that. You know, I don't personally subscribe to all that, but I feel like that should not be a problem.

SPEAKER_04 55:44

Okay, your actions got to match your words.

SPEAKER_06 55:50

Say that one more time.

SPEAKER_04 55:51

Your actions must match your words. Because what's gonna happen in these situations is out of all these individuals that you're involving yourself with, someone's gonna catch feelings. That's in that point. Because as you made statement that um you got to be open and honest up front. But regardless of being open and honest up front, it's still gonna be somebody in that situation that's gonna catch feelings because you got all these people that are involved. But out of all these people, somebody's gonna catch feelings at some point because you're gonna have some individuals that it's not going to always tell you every single thing that you want to know, and it's going to be a main individual that you're involving yourself with. You're gonna have three people that you're involving yourself with, but it's going to be that main one, and it's going to be that main one that I tend to go to, that I tend to have that feelings for. I go out with this person, I go out with this person, we do this and we do that, but it's going to be that main individual that I tend to stick to. So your um actions got to match your words.

SPEAKER_03 57:14

But if it gets to that point, then I'll remove myself because I would I would identify that because I'm not that type of person. Like I'm a slightly emotional person. You know, I'm saying I'm a slightly emotional person. So I try to respect other people's feelings as well. So if I see that that's you know happening, but again, you have to be able to get on the date first to be able to have the options.

SPEAKER_07 57:45

And once it's been understood, yeah, then right. Then everybody else on the sideline happened. I've been there.

SPEAKER_04 57:52

I ain't gonna tell you I've been there. This is going to happen, and they're going to be asking you questions as to why are you doing this? Oh, wait a minute. You said that we were this, but you put the rules, but you're not following the game. No, bro. I get it. This is not what we're gonna do. You're not gonna be able to ask these questions, right? But then want to play. This is not how we're gonna do it. Right. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 58:24

So you think it's dangerous to get it.

SPEAKER_04 58:25

It is is very to be is is very dangerous to because you're too dating that many. Multiple. Yeah, it is it's very dangerous.

SPEAKER_01 58:33

So, so so my my my stance is this in life, life is about taking chances. Everything's again, everything is a crap shoot for the most part. You know, the the key is minimizing your risk when it comes to getting involved in any situation, because there's risk in everything that we do. And everybody has their thought process as to how you want to minimize their risk, how you want to minimize how they get in hurt, how you want to minimize how they feel good, um, or how they want to give that give the other person maybe control. So everybody's different, you know. We can we can have we have conversations about this side of the fence or that side of the fence, but certain so many people have from so many, so many different backgrounds, so many different experiences, so many different risk levels, right? So, um, you know, depending on somebody we'll where if we somebody was raised in you know in the city versus the country, east coast versus west coast, you know, two parent household, single mom. You know, so a lot of those goes into determines some of the risk factor and how they want to seek love in the next person. So I don't think there's a right or wrong eas reason uh answer as to if you should be exclusive the first time you meet somebody, or if you're gonna you know date four or five people, because at the end of the day, each one of those have a risk factor. One is gonna be time, right? And like um DNA was saying, and if you interview multiple people, that's that's minimizing your time wasted. So it's minimizing the risk when it comes to you know the losing time factor. So it goes both ways. And I don't think either one either one is wrong. Um, it also depends on your age, where you are in life, whether you can date multiple people, or if you see somebody that you're in lock-in with, you're gonna, you know what? I'm gonna see if this goes exclusively, and then it may it may go for you know four, five, six months, and then it may fall apart. Versus if you if you date multiple people, okay, then you slip one after 30 days, that may last, you know, that maybe may last for 10 years or forever. So you you you never you never know.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:28

Sometimes it cut shots. But as for me, the older I get, I'm I'm a very selfish person. So I put so much time into myself, I'm not willing to give people time that takes away from me. So what little time I give that one person is probably already too much for me. Because I'm so I'm so invested in myself that I don't worry about everybody else. But at the same time, I'm not wasting my money on dating multiple people, I'm not wasting my feelings because you might like one thing about this person, they got a quality that you like, then the other person got this other quality, then the other person got this other quality, and then you stuck trying to figure out which one do I truly want. I ain't putting myself in that situation because I'm gonna help you out.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:19

I'll step away. Step away.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not messing around, I'm not fitting mess around to text the wrong person and have to explain something called by the wrong name. I I don't, I don't, yeah, like I done text the wrong person the wrong thing. I ain't putting myself through all that stress. Drama. It's just like for me, it's my it's for my well-being, for my my physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Because me, I've done therapy, and people talk about therapy makes your feelings, make you open up your feelings. Therapy helped me be uh let go of emotions that didn't matter.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:54

Let them go of emotions. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:57

Yeah, yeah, and things that that I used to feel that I realized was useless the whole time. It was I'm gonna say it, it was stupid for me to even feel those things, especially for people. And that's what therapy taught me. It taught me to care less. And it taught me to stop caring about the wrong things. So I I I was younger, I've done the player stuff, I did that. I don't care about that stuff no more. I care about me. I go to concerts by myself, I go to events by myself. I don't need nobody with me. I do everything by myself, I travel by myself, I go on vacations by myself. And not once do I think about I wish somebody was here to have. No, I don't care about that. As long as I'm doing as long as I'm enjoying myself, I don't care about the next person. So, yeah, and there's also a respect thing. If you are dating somebody, yeah, I don't care to date you and date somebody else because I'm gonna focus on you. And you deserve that respect. I'm gonna focus on you. I'm not because if we I feel like you get a certain, if you keep on trying to look for something in every person you're talking to and you're talking to multiple people, you're never gonna be satisfied. Because all you're gonna do is keep trying to find what's good about that person. I like that, I like that about that person. I like this about the other person I'm there. I like this, but I don't like what this person does. I don't like what that you're gonna always complain about each other, and by the time you choose one of them, pretty soon you're not even gonna want that one either. And then you're gonna be thinking about man, I wish I should have told, I should have chose the other one. I should have chosen that other one. I that's all you're gonna do.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:44

That's good.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:45

Yeah, I think that's if you focus on one person and it don't work out. You don't gotta say, well, let me call the other one back. You ain't gotta worry about that. Man, you focus on yourself and you keep it moving forward, like they say, and like like they used to say in basic training. Always forward and never backwards.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:04

All right, that's good, man. It's like people will say things, and you know, it's like there's no end to this conversation. We can go on for three more hours, but we got the end. We got to end. I what I do love about this conversation and the other two episodes is that I think that it shows that there are so many different people, and the way people see you cannot put one person in a box. I mean, everybody in one box. All women are this, and all men are this, or you know, you just can't. Every each and every individual is individualized. And I think that that is just a really a beautiful picture that people have to understand, especially when you come and you're giving grace in different areas, right? All right. Um, any other takeaways?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:00

So, do we have time for everyone to give like a one-minute takeaway? Yeah, let's let's do that. One minute takeaway.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:06

They look like uh uh okay. So we're gonna go to we're gonna go to Vaughn because I feel like Vaughn, I'm always come on. No, wait, gentlemen, Vine. A one minute takeaway for our viewers.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:20

The one minute takeaway would would be um, like we just reiterated a second ago, everybody's different, and everybody has um a thought process. Um, and basically, you know, we do what makes us what feel good. You know, whatever makes you feel good is what you do. Um so you know, when taking advice, when you're speaking or giving advice, you know, having an open mind and understanding that, like I said earlier, there's there's two sides to every coin. Number one, um, but you want to be, you know, gracious, you want to be um polite and in in your your views, but your views don't necessarily, you know, fit everybody's situation. But having conversations when we get nuggets and you get certain nuggets from different conversations, then you know you use what what what works for you. Right. Um, I think too many times, you know, we and when it comes to judging people, like I said earlier, um, that's one of what one of our downfalls uh as a community when it comes to dating. Um have you stand or stick to it and you know, um and and and keep it moving. Like things that they keep moving forward, don't look back.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:27

Let's let's get one of the women and then we'll go to Steve. Any one of y'all one minute?

SPEAKER_03 1:06:33

Oh, go ahead. Um a takeaway. And like I think we all have been saying, everyone is different. Um, you know, I think if we remain our true authentic selves and be honest with ourselves and make sure that uh we're healing or look to be healed, you know, maintain therapy if necessary and needed. Um always stay open, especially if you're looking for someone. You know, we have to look chemistry over compatibility. Sometimes those two match, sometimes they don't. You know, chemistry will uh strike the match, but if there's true compatibility, then that fire will keep burning.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:15

Kelly? Yeah, and and not all lists are bad lists, you know. Um there are some things that you need to be focused on um when it comes to relationships, um understanding, empathy. Everyone has a past. Um no one's perfect. And I think that for me, I think it's important to um try to understand that person and see how you fit and could possibly fit in their life as well. Um, I I do have some lists. My lists are not superficial. Um you know, I want a man to treat me well, I want to feel safe. Um, I want to feel listened and heard. Um, I want to do great things and have fun. Um, and so I want someone that's more compatible with the things that are important to me. So um there are lists, you know, I want him to be 6'10 and 199 pounds, you know, yeah, you know, because you know, things happen, you know, people lose weight, people get into fires, you know. They anyway. So I was just it was not gonna be appropriate, it's not gonna be appropriate. Okay, what a bit, you know, but you know, but let's let's be kind and and also give people the opportunity. Um, we're not gonna be perfect, we're gonna make mistakes. And so um when you got two people coming together, I I think that it can be a wonderful thing. Absolutely. But grace, grace, grace.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:49

Okay, thank you, Stephen. Any one got a one-minute uh uh takeaway?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:56

Well, just to me, just love yourself, put yourself first, put yourself before everybody. Except for God, of course. You put you put God first, but put yourself before everybody. Take care of yourself, make sure you're good. Don't worry about relationships, don't worry about finding somebody. If it happens, it happens, if it don't, it's don't because it's all in the will of God anyway. Always put yourself first and make sure that you're happy, healthy, and you're at peace. That's all that really matters. And you live in life and you're doing what you want to do because I do what I want to do, and I'm living my life and I'm happy. And I ain't got nobody, and I'm perfectly cool with that. But if that person comes, fine. If they don't, I don't care. That's all.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:44

Thank you so much. And my sister, Sheila.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:48

Be genuine, open-minded, honest with yourself, honest with others, and just be respectful of others' feelings, and just be open-minded too being in different relationships, and just um as far as other people coming into your life, just give them an opportunity and a chance, and just don't let the hurt hurt you. That's what I have.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:14

Yeah, and then Melissa. And then Melissa. Okay, so for the ladies, I would say this. I love what I heard from the men. There were several things that were said. Number one, that natural state, boom, they want to see us in their natural state, which makes sense because I my husband says it all the time. You don't need all that, you can see you. Two, have that open communication. If you know you want to be married, I'm dating because I want to be married. I'm not, I don't want to be single forever. I am interested. Be up front, be clear, and don't be strung alone for three, six, eight years, and that's not your intention. If you're dating for you because you're seeking a mate, then make that clear. And don't be stuck in something that you are not fulfilled in. Okay, so good.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:11

I think the biggest takeaway, be natural. Jim, I'm gonna tell you right now. Everybody, not just women, men, everybody, be natural. I'm gonna tell you, because my hair will be standing straight on my head, and my husband's gonna take me talking about coming together. I'll be like, Alrighty, thank y'all so much for joining us at her presence. Please make sure that you are always visiting us. Subscribe. We are on YouTube, all the major um podcast platforms, among the majors uh social media platforms. Um, share, please, share, like, all those kind of special things. Download. Go to TikTok, view us, download. All right, see you next time. Thank you, gentlemen.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:02

Thank you, thank you, have a great day.

SPEAKER_07 1:12:05

You too.