Why People Pleasing Is Costing You Everything (And How to Take Your Power Back)

Ever catch yourself saying “I don’t care… whatever you want…” — and then secretly feeling frustrated, overlooked, or straight-up resentful?

Yeah… we’re calling that out.

In this episode of Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie, we’re diving headfirst into the sneaky habit of self-abdication—aka giving away your voice, your choices, and your power without even realizing it. 

Because let’s be honest…
 Being “easygoing” sounds cute—until you’re stuck eating sushi when you wanted tacos, watching someone else get the promotion, or living a life that doesn’t actually feel like yours.

🔥 Here’s the truth:
 If you don’t speak up, the world will decide for you.

We’re breaking down:

•  How “going with the flow” turns into a pattern of power loss
•  Why people pleasing is NOT kindness—it’s self-sabotage 
•  The real reason you’re waiting to be asked (spoiler: it’s not coming) 
•  How to speak up—even when your voice shakes 
•  And how to say NO without burning bridges (or your sanity) 

You’ll hear real-life stories (some hilarious, some painfully relatable), workplace truths, and the exact mindset shifts you need to stop giving your power away and start owning your life, your voice, and your decisions.

Because here’s the deal:
 👉 You don’t need permission.
 👉 You don’t need an invitation.
 👉 And you definitely don’t need to stay quiet to be liked.

It’s time to take your seat at the table—or better yet, build your own.

🎧 Hit play, get called out (lovingly, of course), and start taking your power back.

Follow Mallory Herrin and Julie Burch on their website Breakthroughwmj.com 

or on social-- BreakthroughWMJ 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/julieburchspeaks/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/malloryherrin/

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Have you ever said, I'm just easygoing, I'm super laid back and chill, I'm flexible, adaptable, I can just go with the flow. And you even sort of brag about that a little bit, thinking, well, that's one of my best traits or characteristics. But every now and then, maybe deep down, you wish that it could be your choice. Just one stink in time. Could I make the decision? Could people listen to me? Maybe you have the solution and you wish that somebody would listen. Well, then this is the episode for you, because that's what we're going to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Hey, breakthrough crew. This is Mallory Heron, wife, mom, CEO, speaker, author, and now podcaster. Also, I love dogs, and I have too. I am here to give as much of my experience as I can in an effort to help others benefit and better their own lives.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

I love it. Hello, everyone. Welcome, welcome. I'm glad you're here. My name is Julie Birch. I'm a speaker, author, now a podcaster. Who knew? Go figure. I adore my hubby. I am actually a cat person. I have the most adorable little kitten, uh, Merle Haggard. And I like uh peanut butter, and I like my martinis dirty. And I am a big believer in self-abdication. And that means that we have got to stop giving away our power. So my hope is that I can give you some thoughts, give you some insights, and that when you listen to this, um, you'll get some things that you can take away, maybe lovingly kick in the mindset a little bit that'll help give you ideas you can use so you take your power back too. So, welcome to Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

So glad to have you with us. And this is such a fun topic. I mean, it's serious, but it I I feel like it's fun for us to discuss. Um, how self-abdication becomes a habit and how you can break it. And I think about this as anything can become a habit. Like the time you eat dinner every day can become a habit. What you eat for dinner every day could become a habit. Um, scrolling through TikTok at night instead of going to sleep until the TikTok lady comes on and is like, have you been scrolling too much? I don't know if anyone else has seen her, but she comes on my my feet nightly. Um she's like, Go to bed, lady. And then I'm like, Yeah, I have been scrolling too long. Oh my god. So anything can become a habit. And habits do form whether you want them to or not. You have to be intentional about it. I I see this a lot with workplace culture. If you aren't intentional and taking active measures to cultivate the culture that you want, one's still gonna be formed. It's just not gonna be a good one or the one that you want. When I think about this, I also think about um Chat GPT. So we we know chat, we love chat. Be nice to your chat because when the robots take over, we want them to remember our kindness. Yes. Um, but there's even been studies recently about the use of chat GPT and how if you are using it too much and you're giving away like decision making research creating things for you, your ability to continue to do those things, especially create things, actually declines significantly.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Have you seen that? I have. I I call my chat Carl. He's Carl, my helper. And um, I don't want Carl to hear that message, so we need to not Carl can't hear that. Because if Carl knows that he's a problem for me, he might revolt. I can't have that happen.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Yeah, no, we're gonna be very nice to Carl. I think that it is though, it's true. If I and I'm guilty of it, I use Chat GPT. I'm not the most creative person in the world. I am creative in some aspects, but sometimes I need just a little extra bit of help. So I will go to chat and say, hey, what kind of social media posts should I make? Because I hate doing it and I don't have great ideas about it. And so it will give me a list of ideas that I can then take and make my own.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

But the more that I ask chat for it, the less likely I am to be able to come up with my own ideas. Right. It's everything becomes a habit, everything.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

That's true. And that's part of the idea of self-abdication is that we get kind of comfortable with it. Those of you that have been following uh Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie, you've been listening to us, which we hope you all are. Uh like, listen, subscribe, share, all the things. Uh but if you know that our consistent message every single episode goes back to the idea of what we think of as self-abdication, meaning we're giving away power. One of the things, though, that I actually thought of was does everybody know what that means? Is every are we all on the same page? When we say it, it is our meaning, are you thinking the same thing? So I actually, I went to the Google, didn't go to chat, went to the Google, and I asked the Google to define self-abdication for me. And basically the technical definition is that it refers to the voluntary surrender, abandonment, or renunciation of one's own power, authority, rights, and responsibilities. So when you think of like renunciation and self-abdication, that's like the abdication of power, right? So a monarch giving up control, right? Like the king in England when he did that. Um but really for us, I think if it's more as a loss of agency, right? It it might involve just the personal control, the decision making, whether it's we're going to chat to make decisions for us, or we're just letting everyone and everyone around us make those decisions. And I think that that's oftentimes what happens is that, you know, people give up what they want, what they think, what they feel, their ideas, and they just let everyone else's ideas and thoughts and plans and systems and processes or whatever it is kind of take over. And that's where when we started at the beginning and we said, you know, we, oh, I'm just okay, I'm flexible, I just go with the flow, whatever. And and that there's plenty of times we do that, and there's plenty of times that somebody else gets to make the decision, but it is a balance. And I kind of tease about this, and I know when, for example, and I've had people tell me this, I know this, I've seen this in my own life as well, is that so let's go out to dinner. You know, I'm really craving Mexican food. I want Mexican food. But I don't say to my husband, honey, I like Mexican food. Could we go out for Mexican food tonight? What I do instead is I say, honey, would you like to go out to dinner? Wherever you want to go. And if he says sushi, I'm like, okay, that sounds good. And I, and I don't ever say anything. I don't say, hey, I really want a Mexican food. And the thing is, I know some people are thinking, it's just dinner. What's the big deal? First of all, if you want Mexican food, say it. Uh, second of all, it's one dinner. Next time we'll have Mexican. So there is a balance, and I appreciate that. But really, what happens sometimes with that self-abdication is that it becomes a pattern of behavior. And when it becomes a pattern, then resentment can come forward. Because now I'm annoyed. Now I resent the fact that I never get to pick. It's never my idea. And I don't just mean dinner with my husband, I mean at work when there's decisions to be made, projects to solve, you know, problems to deal with, there's systems and things that need to be done. And if I just sit back and I let Jim run everything and I say it's okay, whatever Jim wants. No, I've got an idea, but I'm gonna just let Jim decide. Jim thinks he knows what he wants. At some point, I'm gonna start to resent Jim because I never get to speak up. I never get to have a say in it. And I think we have to be careful of that. So to me, that's a big key point to think about.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

And the whole time, all along, you've been able to speak up for yourself. And then when Jim goes and gets the promotion, you're like, why wasn't it me? Right. Something interesting that you reminded me of. So that the dinner conversation, we don't go out to dinner much, but that usually is how it goes. And it gets my husband frustrated, and when he's frustrated, I'm frustrated. And then we all end up in the truck, not a hundred percent sure where we're going, but everyone's mad. And when I was growing up, my dad, he took two cans of various vegetables, vegetables we didn't like, took the labels off of them, and wrote on one, I don't know, and on the other, I don't care. So if you were asked, what do you want for dinner? and your response was either I don't know or I don't care, you were going to open up that that can of whatever like lima beans, whatever happened to be, and that is your dinner.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

And we got out of that ha habit real fast. Oh my gosh, that definitely would change your mindset. But it's really true. And I appreciate my my sweet husband. I mean, he honestly just wants me to be happy, and I know that's true. So he really doesn't care. He would go anywhere I say, but I feel like that's I I want him to be happy too. So there's something to be said for just being able to speak up, and again, yeah, it's just dinner, it's not a big deal, it balances, it all works itself out, but it's the pattern, and it's are we allowing those those things to become a problem? And and that's important. So when I think about what's the key, what's something that we have to focus on, and I believe that one of the things is we have to learn to speak up. And I've seen it happen, and I've used this illustration in trainings before. Um, but a lot of times there's I call it different levels of rude. So people have different perceptions of speaking up. So let's say, for example, you're in a meeting and you know, maybe there's eight or ten people in the meeting, and the leader says, okay, we have to figure out what are we gonna do about this. We gotta solve this problem. And everyone works with at least a couple of people that will just jump in and start talking, right? Jim always has something to say, right? Constant. They they just jump in and start talking. And maybe you're that person that doesn't just jump in. So you're just kind of sitting there thinking to yourself, well, I have the answer. Like I could solve this. Like I know what we give, if somebody would just ask me, somebody would just ask me. If Jim would shut up long enough to let me speak up, then I could if I you know, say something, if I get a word in edgewise. And by the time you feel like you can, because you don't want to interrupt, you don't want to be rude, so you sit there and don't say anything. Well, all of a sudden it's like, okay, meeting adjourned. And you're walking out and you're think about how you feel in that moment. Because you probably feel like, man, you know, I have ideas, I have solutions. Nobody bothers to ask me. I've worked here eight years and never once been asked for my opinion. And we feel bad. The flip side of that though is that people that tend to speak up assume you will too. So you walk out of that meeting upset. Jim is as you walk out thinking, man, what's her deal? Right? She's worked here eight years and never once had an idea. It's like, that's not it at all. So our willingness to speak up matters. You know, there's nothing wrong with saying, hey, before we move on, I'd like to add to that. Before we move on, I'd like to comment on that. You know, before we jump to the next topic, I'd like to build on that. I've got a thought I'd like to share about that. And our willingness just to have our voice heard, even when your voice shakes, our willingness to speak up. And does that mean you're always gonna get your way? No, of course not. But it's important that you train yourself to speak up.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

People that do it assume you will too. You're not gonna get an invitation to it most of the time. Natural conversation just kind of flows. And I use the phrase, are you waiting on an engraved invitation? Often in traffic. But it does apply to other things. No one, most of the time, by and large, is going to say, wait a minute, we haven't heard from Shelly first. Occasionally. However, you've got to be able to jump in and speak up for yourself. We are conditioned to be nice. So when it comes to you know not being rude, sometimes you have to be in the case of, okay, I love true crime, not the actual crime, the stories. I don't support crime. I have a shovel and I know where to bury it.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

She supports crime. I do. So no, we do not advocate crime. No, no crime. Let's be real clear. We do not advocate crime in any way.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

Well, one of my favorite things to listen to, though, is the podcast Crime Junkie. And they even say in order to stay alive, you should be rude, you should be weird, you should be loud. And if you're more difficult, your chances of staying alive increase. So I'm we don't need to go to that extreme on a daily basis unless you are in one of those life or death situations. But outside of that, it's it still is important to speak up for yourself and never make the assumption that that someone else is going to advocate for you. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

I think sometimes it's other people. Uh I think it's the gym and the meeting. I think that can absolutely be the case. Uh I also think sometimes it's just the way that we kind of talk to ourselves, right? So when we say self-abdication, uh learning to speak up, sometimes it's it's our own speaking up for ourselves, meaning you've got that dream, right? You've got that goal, that idea, that thing that you want, you want to do it, you know. It's just that that thing out there that you want to make an impact. And we want to, but then everything else we kind of just allow to take its space, right? So whether it's that the kids didn't want the chicken you made for dinner, so now you have to make mac and cheese and dino nuggets or whatever, it it's that allow until they're they're frustrated, they're not feeling good. Oh, well, they're they've you know, their friend wants them to go do this with them, and so we need to now do that, or I'm just exhausted. It's just been a day. Jim was rude at work today, and now I'm stressed out. And those things that we, those goals, those things that are out there that that we want, we we have those in our head, but we just kind of allow all that other stuff uh to kind of take over, and we give away those things that we want based on what we perceive to be the needs of the people around us. And I think sometimes that can be a challenge.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

To your point about it's a balance, because we're we're not saying everything is your way or the highway, right? Not at all, but a balance is necessary, especially if you want to stay married. Just point that out. Um I try to think of it as so, for example, my husband likes to do projects around the house, not necessarily ones that need to be done, I don't think, but maybe they do. Um, and recently he really wanted to paint our kitchen yellow. I don't like the color yellow. I did not want a yellow kitchen, but ultimately I thought this is something he clearly cares about a lot more than I do. Right. So in this moment, my choice is all right, honey, that's fine. I'll I will help you pick out the yellow color.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

It's pick and choose your battles, right? Someone told me one time you have to decide which hill you want to die on. And I think that's true. Is this a battle I want to fight? I want you armed, I want you prepared to fight when necessary, but I also want you to know when you don't have to, because that's part of the balance. Not everything has to be a battle.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

And it's so important to know what you value, what your priorities are, and live your life in a way that allows you to uphold those as much as possible. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Absolutely true.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

I didn't know honestly what the word self-abdication meant prior to us doing this podcast. And I I have a fairly decent vocabulary. It might not be apparent, but I do. And I was like, well, okay, Julie, can you explain that to me? And she did, and she it's something that I see happen over and over and over again. I see it within myself. Again, it goes back to for me, wanting to be nice, not wanting to be disliked. But I had to come to a realization, there are times that I'm just I'm gonna have to be disliked, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

Sometimes we have to learn to let that stuff go, right?

SPEAKER_01 16:19

Yes. I mean, I think it matters. I think our it's agency over self, and it's the it's you, I always say your your choice and it's your voice. And I think way too often, for me, kind of what that agency over self, I think we just kind of allow other people to just kind of do and and take, and we just go with the flow. And I think part of that is we want to be nice, we want to be liked. I think a lot of us as women feel like we've been, we've really been taught that, maybe that that's kind of how we're supposed to be. Uh, but I think it's about the choices that we make. And I I have said for years, you have to take back control. My sister called me a control freak. I kind of laugh. It's like, yeah, it's not really what it is. I'm not controlling others. Like I'm not a control freak and then I'm gonna control everyone around me, but I'm absolutely gonna control me. And that means that I'm making my own choices, I'm making my own decisions, I'm make taking my, I'm taking accountability for my actions, and I'm not just giving that away. People don't get to decide for me what my path is gonna be or what my my opinion is going to be or where my time is going to be spent. I'm gonna make those choices. And I think when you shift your mindset to saying, I do have some agency over self, I do get to, I do get to make some choices. I think that becomes a really powerful thing because we get when it comes to like where you are is not where you want to be. I mean, I'm assuming if you're listening to this, you have some goals, you have some ambition, you've got, you want to break through, you want to make some changes, you want to change it up, you want to step up, you want to do new things. And I think to do that, we're gonna have to be able to make those decisions, right? If where you are is not where you want to be, then how do we get there? And we've talked a lot about taking small steps and taking those actions that need to be taken. But but again, that giving up that agency of self comes in the smallest ways, right? Maybe it's something as simple as you're gonna go to the gym today. You're gonna go to the as soon as when you leave work, you're gonna go to the gym. So you bring your work, you bring your gym clothes with you, you got your bag, you go into the gym after work. But then as the day progresses, gym needs this extra thing from you. So now we have to work a little bit later than we wanted. And so now you're extra tired and you're annoyed because Susie was there today, and Susie's always annoying. So she worked her last nerve, so you're not really in the mood, and then you get in your car and you realize, oh man, I need gas. And then you find out, you know, your kid calls you, and they're either you're out of milk, and now you got to stop at the grocery. And it's like, oh, and we just give up what we were going to do to do all the other things. And I do think the part of taking back our power is not letting all the wrenches that get thrown at us to derail us from our purpose and where we're headed. And it's so easy for the things for other things to get in the way. The strength comes from how do you do what needs to be done in spite of those things getting put in your way.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

It's also important, I think, to like step one, be aware of it.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

Notice when you're doing it. Because if you I tell this to people all the time, if I don't know there's a problem, I can't fix the problem. If you tell me the problem, then I can do something about it. I just have to know it about it first. And having the self-awareness to just just monitor yourself, just even for a date for a couple hours. What where am I? Because we all do it. That's right. Where am I giving my power away? And why am I doing it? And once you have that information, it's easier to then make a change. But it's not it's not always easy, especially so I I want to be nice and I want to be liked. And that is my default setting. That's my programming, that's how I show up in the world. However, I have recently, especially since because I listened to this podcast too, um, started paying attention. I had recently a prospect that had come to me seeking uh me to do some trainings for their staff. And one of their C-suite members had come to me and said, Hey, we've been referred by two different people. We'd love to have you do this. Can you tell me about your offerings? Da-da-da-da-da. So I'm like, Yes, no problem. I'm like, here's the different topics I could do. He's like, Great, I think these ones will work fantastic. He brings me on to a separate call later that was with the entire leadership team. And it's basically so I can give the same information to a larger group of people. Within that particular call, the other leaders were not nice people. At least not to me. They were extremely condescending to me, acting like, well, what can you do for us? I you called me. I not the other way around. So asking me questions about, oh, how would you do this? Do you think that you should do XYZ thing? And whatever I said, I don't disagree. I don't agree. Then why are you talking to me? And but I was nervous, my heart was beating faster, and I I was stumbling over my words, and I felt so anxious, and I kept thinking, oh no, I don't think I'm gonna get this. And then a moment of clarity hit me. It was like a light bulb going off, and I said, not out loud to myself in my head, I don't want to work with them. And guess what? I own my business, I don't have to. Why am I still in this default operation setting of oh, please like me, please do business with me. No. Screw these people. That's right. So then my demeanor immediately shifted as I was asked questions. I'd be like, Yes, no, whatever just very short. I didn't have, you know, smiley face on. And by the end of the call, I was like, Y y'all are wasting my time now. I still was professional about it. I still got off the call and went and immediately told my husband the tea. And he encouraged me. He's like, hey, good for you. And then not a week later, guess who came back wanting my services?

SPEAKER_01 22:15

They liked your strength.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

Yes, but like in that moment is when I had a realization I'm giving my power away. And I can take control. I can do something about it. I'm not necessarily saying anything, but I'm still taking control. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

I think there's a lot of power in being able to tell somebody that you disagree with them. So when they say, Well, I disagree with that, say, Well, I appreciate that. You don't have to agree with everything I say. But in my experience, this is what works. In my experience, in my 28 years as a speaker, these are the things that that continue to work. And sometimes you just have to tell people that. You just have to be clear. I say that with love though, because I had a similar experience early in earlier in my career. But I was doing it, I had a client in Arizona actually, and I'd gone and done a training forum and it went gangbusters. It was awesome. So it was so much fun, so good, that they actually booked me before I even left that day for the next one. Which that when that happens, that's exciting. And so I was excited. I came back, uh, it was like a month later, a month and a half later. And this time the female CEO was in the session, and I was talking about priorities. And this was something we talked about in one of our other episodes. We talk about priorities and making better decisions about where you spend your time and agency over self and you choose how you invest your time. And this woman, the CEO in the back of the room, would say, unless it's me, you put me first. When I was saying that you don't have to respond to emails that second, she'd say, unless it's from me, you got to respond to me. And she would yell to the front of the room. And it was like all of the energy in the room got totally sucked out. It was the most bizarre. I I just couldn't believe because these people were in. They were loving it, they were loving me. We were having a great time. And as soon as this woman started saying that, it was like everything that I was saying became wrong and invalid. And I remember trying to trying to balance it from the front of the room without giving up my power, but you could just feel how it totally sucked it out of the room. And they never brought me back to do another training. So I'm speci I'm suspecting that that's because she decided she didn't like me. But I don't really care because I don't want to do another training. She's gonna be in that room yelling. Yeah. And and and arguing with everything I'm saying, because what are you paying me for if you're gonna tell me everything I'm saying is wrong? So sometimes it's sometimes you have to speak up, sometimes you have to you have to not say anything and just never go back.

SPEAKER_00 24:42

And and just pay attention because we all do it in more than one area of our lives. That's right. Where are you abdicating? Where what are you doing to give other people the power to make decisions for you? Right. And is it outside of you know that realistic balancing? Right. Because it can't be our way all the time, but we all do it. And you have to notice when you're doing it and see what what patterns can you discern from noticing when you're doing it? Is it with a specific person? Is it within a specific area of your life, maybe with family members? Is it at work? What kind of stuff are you kind of taking a backseat on?

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Right. And here's the thing if you have that goal, that dream, that ambition, that that thing, right? That you you want where you are, where you want to be, and you've got that. Uh a lot of times we say we just we don't have we don't have the time, we don't have the whatever, and we and then we make those excuses. And I do think that oftentimes it's truly self-abdication and our ability to agency of ourself and take back control, it speaks to our ability to say no. And let's face it, when you talk about being a people pleaser or, you know, I I want people to like me, that no for so many people can be so hard. And I've had people that kind of the opposite end of the spectrum, I've had plenty of people say to me, Well, no is a complete sentence. And I was like, well, okay, kind of, but it's a really shitty one. Like that is a mean, that's that's not good. Just no, period. I don't go for that. I don't think that's the key. But I do think that our ability to set boundaries is part of agency over self. It is, it's setting those boundaries. So it's learning to say no. And sometimes it's no to, you know, your your kids teacher calls and they want you to lead the, you know, school carnival this year, or your church calls you and they've got the big, you know, they're the big whatever garage sale that they need somebody to run. What all of the things, and it's we we feel like we need to, we feel like we should. We I well, gosh, I've run that carnival the last four years. I guess I have to. And I think we have to be better about saying no. Sometimes it's the boss asking you to stay late from work, but you really wanted to go watch your kid in that basketball game. So I don't want to work late today. So our our ability to set those boundaries, I think, is really important. But how you say it matters. No, period, maybe a complete sentence, but again, it's a pretty crappy one. I think that we can say it in a much nicer way. That is much better communication.

SPEAKER_00 27:20

Well, and outside of very specific circumstances that are crime. In that case, no is a complete sentence, okay? Again, yes. We go back to that.

SPEAKER_01 27:28

Absolutely. But outside of crime, right. If you're being mugged, then no is good.

SPEAKER_00 27:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 27:33

Loud, yell.

SPEAKER_00 27:35

I previously had to kind of reconcile the bed that I made that I had to lie in, and it was because I was doing way too much. I was working for my my own business, I was being mom, I was also volunteering for a few different organizations, four of which I three of which I was on the board for, and they were working boards. So my time, and I was going back to school. So my time was very organized, very scheduled, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to get it all done. And I got to a point where because I committed, especially to these volunteer, like these board positions, I had committed myself for, you know, a term of yes, I'm gonna do this. Maybe eight months in, I was like, I can't sustain this pace. But I had to recognize those were my own choices of action that got me here. So what am I gonna do now? I am not gonna be a victim. I'm going to say, all right, now I know I'm gonna fulfill my commitments and then I'm gonna take a step back and reprioritize and move forward. And it sounds kind of harsh, but understanding the whole you made your bed, now you lie in it, that is a very real thing. Absolutely it is. You made the commitment, you gotta follow through. And if you can think about it more on the front end before you make the commitment, that's a lot better. And it goes to being able to say no to people because I got into those positions because I did not say no.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

Right. People ask, and it's hard sometimes. We want to help. We want to, we want to help everybody, we want to support everybody. We care about you, we want to we want you to be successful, and sometimes that's hard. I always say that it's just not no, period, but if we can frame it, uh, I always say acknowledge. In other words, we don't just say no without thinking about it. We acknowledge, you know, I understand why you'd like help with that. I understand that the, you know, the carnival at school is a big event. I understand that this board does a lot of good things and they're helping a lot of people. And I, you know, I respect, you know, the importance of what the work that you're doing. We can acknowledge. I understand you'd like help with that project. And then we have to assertively decline, meaning have to say, unfortunately, at this point I'm not gonna be able to help you. At this time, I'm not gonna be able to contribute. And and it's okay to say that. You don't even have to say the word no if people are uncomfortable with it. But unfortunately, at this time, I'm not gonna be able to contribute. And it's okay to say that. And then I also I'm a big believer, and I don't think this is making it wishy-washy. I think this is making it um my intention is always to be helpful. And so if I can offer an alternative solution, you know, have you checked with this person? You know, they're pretty good at it, or I'm, you know, get back with me next year because next year my calendar may look different and I'm gonna be able to do it. So I'm okay with offering like alternative solutions. So it's not just, nope, sorry, you're on your own. I mean, I'm gonna acknowledge what you're asking for. I'm gonna recognize it's valuable. I'm gonna assertively decline. I'm not leaving it open for interpretation. I'm not saying, I don't know, let me think about it. The minute you're thinking about it, you're gonna say yes. So don't think about it. Just say no. And then if I can give them some alternatives, I think that's a good thing. One of the things I always think about it like this when people struggle with saying no, think about what happens. So just imagine that you're working on something. You're at work, you're working on something. This is something you said was a priority, you had it as a priority on your to-do list, you're working on something you believe to be a priority. One of your coworkers, let's say Susie comes in and says, Oh, please, can you help me with this? I really need your help with this project. Now, in your head, you're thinking, I really need to be working on this. This is what I said I was going to work on, right? But you say, Okay, I'll help you. I'll get back to that later. And you go help Susie. Now, in that moment, you're thinking about what you were supposed to be working on, what you were planning on working on, and you feel bad. All right, so flip it. You're working on that project, Susie comes in, I really need your help on this, and you say, Susie, I would love to help you. Unfortunately, I'm scheduled with this project, I can't help you right now. Um, you know, I maybe I can help you tomorrow. And Susie walks away. And Susie's like, Oh, I can't believe they wouldn't help me. And Susie feels bad. But did y'all notice no matter what you did, someone felt bad. My question to you is why does it always have to be you? Spread that bad feeling around a little bit. You know what I'm talking about? Like sometimes you say yes, sometimes you say no. Which is totally okay.

SPEAKER_00 32:03

And we know other people that do it, and we don't necessarily go away from them. Oh, what a bitch. Being assertive is not being bitchy. That's right. It's two different things. Assertive is not aggressive. Right.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

Common misnomer.

SPEAKER_00 32:15

And we need to, we're our own best advocate. And if you're not advocating for yourself, no one else is.

SPEAKER_01 32:22

That's right. We have to be willing to step up, we gotta be willing to do it. Absolutely true.

SPEAKER_00 32:27

I find that self-abdication and giving away power comes from a need sometimes of wanting to be perceived a certain way. And it's important to recognize that you have zero control over how other people are gonna experience you and perceive you.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

Right.

SPEAKER_00 32:46

It's not your business. So use that information how you will, hopefully, to make decisions that serve your best interests. What is, how are you gonna be your best self? What serves your highest good and what you want?

SPEAKER_01 33:00

I love it. I think there's a couple of key things, a couple of key takeaways that I would kind of reinforce uh for our audience, for our listeners. And I hope that this is something that resonates is that I think, first of all, we really do have to learn to say no. I think we have to be okay with that. And it's not no, period. It's not no, oh, you suck, I'm never gonna help you. It's not this time, not at this time. So it's a balance of give and take. And that's the same thing with whether you have sushi or you have Mexican food tonight. It's a balance. And we have to be able to set those boundaries because nobody will set those boundaries for you. If you don't say no, if you don't set boundaries, then people will absolutely take advantage. And so we have to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_00 33:44

Remember the DARE program? Just say no.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

Just say no, that's right. Now, see, I'm a child of the 80s, and in the 80s we had our brain on drugs. Oh, I remember. And it was the egg, the frying the egg, yes. We all thought our brain would look like a fried egg if we did drugs. That's that's what they told us. Uh I would also say that we have to learn to speak up. And that's something if you are have been with us, if you are part of that breakthrough crew and you've been listening to all the podcasts, and if you haven't, please can go back and listen to all of them. Uh like, share, subscribe, uh, do all the things, comment, talk to us. Uh we love to hear. Uh, share it with a friend. Doesn't your friend need to hear this too? Share it with an enemy. There if you there you go. Even the enemy, they may need to hear it. You never know, right? Then when you say no, they'll understand. There you go. But I do think that we have to learn to speak up, and I think that's part of it. And I always say, speak up even if your voice shakes, right? You don't have to say everything perfectly, but if you say things with good intentions and you're willing to speak up and set those boundaries, I think that's a life changer. I think that is true agency over self. And I think so that's really what we're talking about when we say keep your power, you have the power to say no. You have the ability to set boundaries, you have the ability to make choices. You choose where you spend your time, you choose where you spend your energy. You choose make better choices.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

Be thoughtful about it. That's right. You only get this one life, as far as we know. Yeah. So you might as well do all you can to make it a really great one. And over time, as you do start speaking up for yourself and advocating for yourself, it's gonna get easier. I'm not saying it'll be a piece of cake every single time. Sometimes it's gonna be harder than other times. But just like self-abdication can become a habit, speaking up for yourself and taking back your control can also become a habit. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 35:34

So build the habits. Remember, you're gonna you're gonna have habits regardless. So might as well be the good ones, right? Yes. Well, I want to thank everyone for joining us on this episode. We sure appreciate it. We hope you got some things that you'll take and you'll use. And again, like, share, subscribe, do all the things.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

Thank you so much for hanging with us. We will see you on the next one. And again, all the thanks. All the thanks. Do all the things. Thanks for joining.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie. See you next time. Bye. This episode is sponsored by Heron HR, the experts in full service payroll and HR built for growing businesses. Heron HR offers a white glove experience and specifically works with small and mid-sized businesses. They're easy to use. HRIS comes with all the bells and whistles you'd expect from a payroll provider, including applicant tracking, time, and labor management, electronic onboarding, performance management, and more. Heron HR is there to take on as much or as little of your HR function as you want and need. If you're ready for a solution that scales with you, if you need full service payroll or you just want a real HR partner, they've got you covered. Give them a call today at 1-800-607-7787 or find them online at heronhr.com.

SPEAKER_00 36:55

This episode is brought to you by Julie Birch Speaks. If you want another boring keynote, keep scrolling. But if you want an experience, meet Julie. Julie isn't just a speaker. She's the moment your audience didn't know they needed. With down home charm, a sharp sense of humor, and zero tolerance for fluff, she delivers real-world techniques that make people laugh, think, and actually do something different when they leave. Through relatable stories, bold truth telling, and solid business strategies, wrapped in brilliant comedic humor, Julie connects in a way that feels like a conversation, not a lecture. Your audience won't be just entertained. They'll be equipped, energized, and ready to level up. Solid business strategies, brilliant comedic humor. Find Julie online at JulieBirch.com or give her a call at 214 679 2717.