What to Say When Someone Crosses the Line: Stop Overthinking and Start Speaking Up!

Stop Rehearsing Arguments in Your Head: How to Speak Up Without Starting a Fight

Ever leave a meeting thinking:

"I should have said something..."

Then spend the next three days replaying the conversation, writing imaginary comebacks in your head, and getting progressively more annoyed?

Welcome to the club.

In this listener-powered episode of Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie, we're tackling one of the biggest challenges professionals face: speaking up when something feels off.

From feeling dismissed by a manager to handling inappropriate comments, setting boundaries, advocating for yourself, and navigating difficult workplace conversations, we're answering real listener questions and sharing practical communication tools you can use immediately.

In this episode, you'll learn:

✅ How to address a disrespectful comment after the fact
 ✅ Why clarity beats confrontation every time
 ✅ The communication mistake that causes resentment to build
 ✅ How to stand up for yourself without sounding aggressive
 ✅ Questions that instantly de-escalate tense conversations
 ✅ Why assumptions create conflict and curiosity creates solutions
 ✅ The secret to maintaining your composure when emotions are running high
 ✅ How to advocate for yourself with confidence—even when you're talking to your boss

You'll also hear Julie's favorite communication techniques, including the powerful "Acknowledge and Transition" method, the 48-hour rule for difficult conversations, and the simple default questions that can help you stay calm and professional when you're caught off guard.

If you've ever worried about being seen as difficult, stayed quiet to keep the peace, or found yourself replaying a conversation wishing you'd handled it differently, this episode is for you.

Because healthy communication isn't about having the perfect comeback.

It's about having the confidence to ask the right questions.

In This Episode:

•  Speaking up at work 
•  Setting healthy boundaries 
•  Handling workplace conflict 
•  Emotional intelligence and communication 
•  Professional communication skills 
•  Difficult conversations 
•  Self-advocacy 
•  Conflict resolution 
•  Leadership communication 
•  Workplace relationships 

Remember: Your silence isn't keeping the peace. It's often just keeping the tension.

Tune in and learn how to communicate with confidence, clarity, and impact. 🎙️💥

#BreakthroughWithMalloryAndJulie #CommunicationSkills #WorkplaceCommunication #EmotionalIntelligence #LeadershipDevelopment #WomenInBusiness #ConflictResolution #ProfessionalDevelopment #SelfAdvocacy #PersonalGrowth

www.breakthroughwmj.com

Follow us on your favorite social media channel!

@Breakthroughwmj

mallory@herrinhr.com

julie@julieburch.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Hey, Breakthrough crew. Welcome to Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie. We are really excited about this episode because we're going to do something a little bit different. We have been asking you, our listeners, for questions and ideas and topics and engagement. And y'all have absolutely shown up and shown out and we appreciate it. What we've discovered is that we have quite a few questions that are all very similar, that all kind of revolve around the idea of communication and how do we handle more difficult or dicey communication when we feel like we're being confronted or it's difficult? What do we do in those situations? So we thought, what better way to answer all of those than to take, and we actually pulled some of the questions that you've asked, and we're going to just dive in and we're going to talk about communication and communicating through difficult and dicey. My name is Julie Birch with Julie Birch Speaks. I'm a speaker, author, podcaster. And my whole mission in life is what I call my war on self-abdication. My goal is to take ownership, agency over self, and empower others to lean into your own power. And what a better, uh, what a better message for this topic than that. So I think we're right on the right track. I'm excited.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

Me too. Hey everybody, this is Mallory Heron, wife, mom, speaker, author, CEO, podcaster. Also, I love dogs. And welcome to Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie. It's time to join our war on self-abducation and join the movement because this is not just a podcast, it's a mindset and it's a movement. So thank you everybody for the questions. So we're going to start with one from Jason in Orlando. He said, My manager spoke to me in a way that felt really dismissive in front of others. I froze and didn't say anything, but now I'm mad about it. How do I address it without making it a bigger issue?

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Oh boy. I'll tell you, if I had a dollar for every time somebody asked me a question similar to that, I would be rich. That's actually more common than you think. I'll tell you what I hear that that for me kind of the thing that stands out is the idea that it's the boss. And I think what we need to understand is first and foremost, I would never tell anyone to, uh I'd never share or teach communication techniques that you can't use with a boss. I'm all about respectful in my communication. So although I'm I will teach you how to stand up for yourself, I will teach you how to, you know, good comebacks and all of that. But I'm also about understanding respect. So I think the first thing is recognizing that really what changes is not necessarily the technique, but it's the tolerance level. And I do think for most people, whether, whether we think it's right or not, uh, we have a different tolerance level for a boss than we would a coworker. If, you know, it was your coworker that was talking smack, you'd probably be pretty quick to say something. But when it's the boss, we feel different. You're what you said though is that it's made you mad and now you want to say something. And I don't think that's a bad thing. So I think talking to them after, uh I would, I would definitely start by scheduling a time, meaning don't just drop in and say, hey, do you have a second? I have a quick question, or anyone talk to you about something. I would prefer that you started it by saying, Hey, um, you know, Mr. Boss or whatever. Uh, I have something I'd like to talk to you about. I expect it's gonna take about 10 or 15 minutes of your undivided attention. When would be the best time to do that? So I'm gonna set it up for undivided attention. This is something important that I want to talk to you about, and it's gonna take 10 or 15 minutes. When is the best time to do that? So I would start with that. Once they say, oh, well, this is when we can do it, I would start by saying, uh, I've something, I I've noticed something that has occurred multiple times, and I'm confused by the meaning, and I wanted to talk to you about it. And I would be as specific as I can. In this situation, this comment was made. In this situation, the comment was made, in this situation, the comment was made. So you're you're being specific about what was said and you're showing a pattern. Then I would say, to me, that sounds, and you and you what how does it sound to you? Does it feel like they're being demeaning? Does it feel like they're dismissing you? Whatever, own it. You know, it feels like you're actually dismissing me and it makes me uncomfortable, especially in front of my coworkers. Is that your intention? Is that's what am I missing or am I misreading that? And you're giving them a chance to get out of it. And I don't think that's a bad thing. It's highly probable that what they're gonna say is, oh, of course not, that's not what I meant. That doesn't mean though they're totally off the hook, because that for me means that I'm gonna come back with, I'm so glad that I misread it. Can I then assume going forward that we won't those comments won't be made anymore, that then I don't have to worry about those comments happening again? So that I'm kind of restating the boundary, restating kind of my conditions of satisfaction, if you will. So that's something that I would think about. That's how I might try to approach it. What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Oh, you're spot on. I think it's really natural to, especially when you're dealing with a boss, you don't want to rock the boat. And I hear it in HR all the time. Someone was like, Well, this thing happened, I I didn't like it, but I don't, I don't want to make it a big deal. Can we just like I just told you and we're good? Well, no, depending on what it is, I'm gonna have to say something to someone, but I'm always going to uh do what I can to make you feel empowered to go advocate for yourself. And a lot of conflict is a result of miscommunication, and we read into stuff that's not even there. Um, and I see this too happen a lot with like employees say, Well, so-and-so doesn't say hi to me when they came in this morning. And so they assume that means this person is upset with them in some way, and maybe it was because of the work that they turned in. When it when it could just be that person was thinking about, oh yeah, I gotta go get an oil change after work. Totally unrelated. So getting clarity on the communication is an essential step as part of it so that you can avoid the conflict that comes from the miscommunication. And yeah, most people they don't, they didn't mean anything by it, but they wouldn't know unless you say something.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

I think that that absolutely is true. I think getting clarity is the key. It doesn't have to be an accusation. When you go in and say, you should never say that, you should never talk to me like that, you can't do that. Then it creates anger and it creates emotion and people get defensive and it and it's accusing. Um, but if you approach it instead from the point of clarification, I think it it sets you up for a better, a better return.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

Yeah, don't get in your boss's face like don't become belligerent. Stand up for yourself, but like, you know, time and place.

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Right. I one last thing, and then we'll go to our next question that struck me when you said that about bosses that that's the other thing with bosses is that if we don't, you know, we we would go to somebody to to maybe advocate for us, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But my my really my goal in life is to never to to not make it so that you have to go to someone else to advocate for you, but to give you the tools to advocate for yourself. And if it's the boss that's the problem, who are you gonna go to, right? So it is important that you have the ability to speak up and to say something. Uh so okay, so this is our next question. This is actually from Priya, I think I'm saying that right, in San Jose, California. I'm a California girl by birth, actually. Uh, and this was what she says. I struggle to speak up for myself in the moment, especially at work. By the time I process what happened, it's too late. How do you get better at advocating for yourself? We were just talking about that, without overthinking it. Oh, that's a great question. What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Well, as a certified overthinker, I I have been there. I think that again, clarity is really important. So other people aren't going to be able to read your mind, they're not going to know what you need. And we read into stuff. So you have to be able to say to people, this is what I need. So first you have to start with identifying it. What is it that you need? What is it that happened that you're not thrilled about, so that you can bring it to someone's attention in a professional way?

SPEAKER_00 8:16

What do you think? Oh, I agree completely. I think I do think it goes back to what we said about clarification. I think you have to be specific, you have to be able to speak up. One of the things that happens when people get uncomfortable is that they their communication becomes all over the place. So in instead of saying specifically, this is something that I struggled with, when you know, when this comment was made, um, this is how it made me feel, or this is what I thought, um, we say, Well, you know, I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it. I'm probably overreacting, and I'm probably, you know me, I always, you know, I just take everything so personally, and I'm so sensitive, and I don't mean to be, so it's probably not that, but I'm just saying, shut up. Shut up. Get to the point. When this was said, this is how I felt. And the other thing that I encourage people to look at, and this is um, it's one of those little communication things that I think can make such a big difference and how it comes across, is I always look for when this, when that, when the, as opposed to when you. When you, then we're making it about them. I always try to encourage people to think that it's it's not the person you don't like, it's the behavior that you don't like, it's the commentary. You may not like them either, but you can't tell them that. So we focus it on the behavior, not on the person. So if you can use instead when this, when that, when the, then I think it puts you in a better situation.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Absolutely. And it's the specificity really helps. You if you just say, I don't like the way you talk to me, right? Okay, is what is it about the way I'm talking to you? You have to be very specific. And having the opportunity to come back when you have had some time to think about it is that can be very helpful. You can rehearse what you want to say, you can take notes and make sure, like, okay, I'm not gonna f bring your notes with you if you think you're gonna forget what you want to say. The the ability to go back after the fact, it doesn't mean that you're less than when it comes to advocating for yourself. You're still doing it, and sometimes in the moment, that is where things are going to get escalated. To your point, if you are focusing on the person, not the specific thing that happened, but you did this, it's you, you're always this way. Well, you're gonna escalate it, and they're gonna get defensive, and now no one is gonna be able to find any find any resolve because you're fighting.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

To de-escalate things, you make it very objective. It's not this person as a person, you get specific and coming back later to talk about it after you've had some time. Look, go to ChatGPT, be like, hey chat, this is what I really want to say.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

How do I say that in a professional way? Or send Mallory and I a message and you know, we'll we'll discuss it on a podcast. There you go. One of the things that I think is um important to note, because I think Mallory's right that we it's okay to approach things after. Um, oftentimes it's it can be better. You don't want it in the heat of the moment when you're frustrated or you're flustered. So coming back to it later can be a good thing. There is a caveat to that, though. There's a time limit of how long you have before it's pointless and ridiculous for you to be bringing it up again.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

13 months ago, you hurt my T week.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

Exactly. And people will wait, they they store it all up, and then one day that's it, they're done, and they blow and they want to go through everything you've said or done over the last 12 months. Unacceptable. So, my general rule of thumb is 48 hours. You have 48 hours to calm yourself down, to let them calm down if they need to, and to decide how you're going to approach it, what you want to say and what you expect to get from that conversation. What is what is it you're looking for when you when you point this out to this person, when you tell this person that you had a problem with what they said, what is your goal? Do you want an apology? Do you want clarity on why they said it? Do you want them to change their behavior? The more that you're clear on what your expectation for the result of that conversation is, it's gonna set you up for better results. So you you don't have to say it in the moment, but you can't wait forever. Don't let it pile up because the longer you wait, the more you're gonna go to them and say, When you said that, they're gonna say, I when did I say that? I don't even remember. So it has to be in a reasonable amount of time. Um, I'll tell you another tip, and this is something that with practice, anyone can learn. Because if you listen to what Priya said, like the specific question, that she struggles to speak up in this in the heat of the moment, right? In the moment, by the time she processes, it's too late. So, how do you get better about advocating? I will tell you that if you can have a default question, a default technique that you just kind of keep in your holster ready to go, right? So when you are flustered, right, that becomes the the emotional poke, right? And I I don't I try to shy away from saying trigger, I like poke. So you get poked. You're you get poked. They said something, it poked you, your brain said, danger, danger. I hate that. What do you mean by that? And we start to kind of react, we feel the emotion, a default, like in your holster, ready to go, kind of a question. That was an interesting point. Tell me more about what you mean. Help me to understand your position. Wow, that's not what I was thinking. Help me to understand where you're coming from. And when you have that default question, you can use that question for anything anybody said. Memorize it, practice it, like say it when you're driving to work, uh, you know, when you're lathering up in the shower, practice saying the question or using those words. And then when that poke happens, you train yourself that that becomes in the heat of the moment, that becomes the question. So you feel like you're addressing things at the moment rather than feeling like you have to wait and say something after. You can wait, but if you want something to say in the moment, if you want to be able to address it in the moment, that default question can be super helpful.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

And there's things you can do to buy yourself more time in the moment and get when things are when you feel flustered, when you're anxious, when you're emotional, you're trying to figure out what this message means, it's hard to think about what what do I want to say. So having that question ready to go so valuable. But also you sometimes you gotta get to a point where you can even remember, oh yeah, I have this question. So take a pause and look, it it can just look like you're thinking, you're like really pondering this question. Um take a sip of something. There's there's little things that you can do to kind of like re-regulate your nervous system that could also be like just a little bit of movement, so wiggling your toes, changing which legs crossed if you're sitting down, little things like that. Kind of they send this signal to your nervous system, like, oh, we need to calm down now. And then once you are calmer, you have more of your faculties to think about the situation and say, Okay, but now I want to ask this question. And it's a great question. And look, if you ask someone an open-ended question, they will talk about it. People people have to talk. That's it's it's it's not their fault. That's just how we're all wired. And when you're asking more questions, you have the opportunity to get more clarity, and that that's really helpful.

SPEAKER_00 15:25

I agree.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

From Lauren H in Denver, something happened at work where I felt disrespected in a meeting, but I didn't say anything in the moment. Now it's bothering me. How do you stand up for yourself after the fact?

SPEAKER_00 15:38

Well, I thought I just yeah, I think we've talked about that. I I think hopefully Lauren feels like what we've said to this point answers that question for you. I I would add one thing to it that I think we can um remind our listeners of because I think this is true for everybody. Um, and I don't know where I heard the same, but I love it. When you don't speak up in an attempt to keep the peace, you're really just keeping the tension. Nobody wants to live with that tension. And that tension is what builds and builds until we get to that tipping point where now we're acting out, we're lashing out, we're losing our cool when we need to maintain our composure. So it's better to address issues when things are smaller. And again, going back to the question can be so powerful to give you a way that you can kind of keep it in the moment, that we're not letting things build on each other. Because the more that they build, we're we risk that explosion, right? You keep pushing it down, push it down, push it down, push it down, push down, push it down. I promise you, if you keep pushing it down, eventually it's gonna squirt out. And generally, when it squirts out, it squirts out in weird and awkward ways. So our our ability to communicate effectively over time becomes extremely important. So don't not speak up to keep the peace. That doesn't make any sense.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

Yeah, when you let something fester, eventually you're gonna hit your limit and then you become an HR problem. Right. And you don't want that. When you are able to, you know, take this with some maturity and handle it. That's that's a much easier route instead of bottling it up. And I I really believe that you teach people how to treat you. So if you aren't addressing it sooner rather than later, then you're getting somewhat accustomed to this is just the way that we talk to each other. This is what I can expect of this person. And then it becomes a shock to that person when you've waited quite a while. And then they're like, What do you mean? I thought we were cool.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

Right. One of the things that I hear periodically, and I I think it's interesting, is that people will say, Well, my boss should not allow that. My boss should speak up, my boss should say something. And my response to that is always, yeah, okay, sure. But again, it goes back to what I said at the beginning that I want you to be able to advocate for yourself. Should the boss, because I do believe the boss allows and sets the standard for how we treat each other, right? We always say we're a respectful environment, we are professional, we treat people respectfully and professionally. Well, those kind of underhanded comments, the offensive comments, the negativity, those are not in line with what we would consider team values. And we do tend to look at the leadership to say, is this something we're allowing? And of course, if I was, you know, speaking to a leadership team, I would say, don't allow it. But I also feel like the bigger lesson, the more important thing is that you have to be able to speak up. You have to be able to say something and not just look to everybody else to defend you. I want you to be able to defend yourself.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Yeah, the boss is not a mind reader, and they've got competing priorities a lot of the time. They're they're focused on something totally different. And everyone this sounds awful, but I don't mean it. But everyone's out for themselves because no one else is doing it for you. You have to become your own best advocate, and you can't assume that the boss knows things or thinks you're okay with something.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

But you are responsible for your own boundaries. You are responsible for what is acceptable and not acceptable around you. And I think that's a key to understand. I think that it's your it's not your boss's job to set your boundaries. It's not your boss's job to enforce your boundaries, it's your job to set the boundary. It's your job to enforce the boundary. And that means when the boundaries crossed, it's up to you to speak up and say something. And that doesn't mean that we yell and scream and get mad. We don't lose our emotional control. Keep it professional. Right, keep it be tactful. But I think that there's actually so much power in being able to remain tactful in difficult situations. I mean, it feels really good. I will tell y'all, and I say this with so much love. I mean, really, truly, when I say lovingly kick you in the mindset, that I promise you, I have not always been good at this. Uh, I teach emotional intelligence, I talk about communicating through conflict. Um, to this day, when I tell my sister I'm teaching emotional intelligence, she laughs and says, Are you teaching it or are you taking it? So it is a learned skill. And I promise you, if you put some effort into it, you can learn it too. Okay, let's bring in another question because I think this allows us uh to keep the conversation going and even incorporate a few more uh communication techniques or tips. Um, this is actually from Eric in Nashville. I'm excited we've got a couple of dudes. Um, this is what Eric says there's someone at work who keeps crossing the line with comments, and I keep letting it slide to keep the peace. At what point do you say something and what do I say?

SPEAKER_01 20:42

Immediately. Immediately you say thoughts on this one. Yeah, like and I get it. Some people just have a bad day, and so you don't want to just like confront people because you is you're getting to know each other, you're getting to know how each other works, and everyone is entitled to a bad day. Shit happens. We don't want to be judged for our bad moments on our bad days, but you do teach people how to treat you. So if someone, depending on, I guess, the severity, if someone said something to you that that for you personally really crossed the line, speak up immediately. And if you can't speak up to that person, you can find like an go to HR and and find an avenue there, but it needs to be addressed, and I would encourage you to address it yourself. Interestingly, I do so I do a lot of like sexual harassment investigations and some discrimination investigations. Uh by and large, the shit that gets said that someone makes a complaint about, that person had no intention, they had no idea, they feel awful about it, and they're like, Oh my god, I'm gonna lose my job. And it I encourage people if you feel comfortable, tell that person, hey, I didn't like that. That wasn't okay. Please don't do it again. And most people, when you do that, not a problem. Right. Didn't know, won't do it again.

SPEAKER_00 21:59

I'll tell you one. the ways I've I've tried to use myself and I've tried to teach others is when somebody says something that is offensive across the line. And it really does speak to what Mallory is saying is that I feel like so often people don't really realize what they're doing. So my kind of go-to my default would sound something like, hey, you know, I'm sure you didn't mean anything by that, but what you said offended me. I would appreciate it if going forward you wouldn't use that kind of language or make those kind of comments around me again. And here's why I structure it that way. First of all, I'm giving them an out. My objective is not to argue with you about whether or not this is appropriate or inappropriate. I just want you to stop it. So I will give you an off ramp. I'm sure you didn't mean anything by that, right? I'm also if I'm offended, I'm going to say offended. I I don't take that word lightly. I think it gets overused. But if that's what I'm feeling, uh you could also use uncomfortable if that is more appropriate for the situation. And then you notice and I'm very specific about this is that I would appreciate it if you wouldn't say that, use that kind of language, make those remarks, whatever, around me again. You want to get in a fight with someone tell them you should never say that. That's terrible. You are this or you are that's argumentative that's a fight. And truly I don't have to like you I don't have to like what you say or like what you think but what you do on your own time is your business. What you say around me is what I have control over. And I think that's important. The other thing to keep in mind is I I call it the line in the sand. Everyone has a different line in the sand. So some things are more offensive to other people or less offensive to other people. And when I say offensive again it can be uncomfortable, inappropriate, right? That was a joke that you shouldn't have told that was a comment you shouldn't have made. We all have a different line in the sand. So for people and really Eric's kind of posing the question at what point do you say something? I don't know Eric that's on you. You have to decide when that line was crossed. And we can all have different lines and I use the example of cussing. I have no problem with cussing. If somebody cusses in front of me I that is not a line for me. I'm like go home which bad self cuss it up. I you know I half the time sound like I'm I cuss like a sailor. So I'm not offended by that. But there are people that are offended by that. If you are then we apologize ahead of time because you're probably going to get some spicy language. Oops but but some people are more offended by that. So that's your line in the sand. So you have to decide what your line in the sand is and decide when it's time for you to speak up. So to that point of the question at what point do you say something that's on you. You have to decide when that line for you has been crossed. And I think that matters.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Absolutely and I also apply a reasonable person's test to things because I am an assuming intent from someone if I'm reading into something right so then it might be would a reasonable person think that that crossed a line or is this a me thing? It's okay if it's just a you thing and you can still have a conversation like this makes me you know I I don't like this can we do something different? But within reason because you don't want to please don't ask me for the TPS report ever again. Well if that's part of your job like right be reasonable about it. And if you're ever unsure I think it's totally okay to phone a friend and find out from a colleague um hey this is the way I'm reading this situation do you think has that been your experience and kind of workshop it together.

SPEAKER_00 25:21

I love that we kind of go back to and my hope is and this is true for a a lot of these kinds of questions so those of you even if you didn't write in but these are some of the questions you you have asked you thought of I do think that uh the idea of the question and and surrounding it with clarity and trying to understand I always like to say that I'm a very assertive communicator. As an assertive communicator I do not argue I do not fight and I do not confront and I don't assume I always check my own perception. And that's where those questions come in um negative inquiries where you kind of take it and turn it into a question. To me that sounded negative is that how you meant it right asking the question this is what I heard help me to understand where you're coming from. Y'all it's even okay and I I actually call my my all-time favorite technique is acknowledge transition. I teach it in pretty much every single topic I teach. So if you've been in any of my sessions you've heard me teach this I'm sure but it's because you can't hear it enough because you can use it a million times a million ways. It's where you acknowledge what they said and then you transition to the next step, right? So it's okay to acknowledge I don't actually agree with that. You know I I I I understand that's how you feel this is what I think. I understand where you're coming from I disagree with it's okay and I think we have to get better about that in our culture better about that at work and in our personal lives even and for heaven's sake on social media you don't have to agree with everything everyone says I can say to you actually I disagree with that here's what I'm thinking. Here's what I think we could do going forward right so it's not always about debating what you said was offensive. Well I didn't think it was offensive well I thought it was offensive. Well it wasn't offensive you're taking it wrong you're too sensitive. Well I'm not being sensitive I just think that was really rude well now we're fighting if I can say I understand you don't feel like it was offensive but I'd appreciate it going forward if you wouldn't use that kind of language around me again, I'm setting my boundary I'm being specific and I'm not accusing or making any assumptions about what their intent is. All right so can we use that communication that transitions us not debating about whether they did or did not do but rather what kind of boundary or parameters would we appreciate going forward.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

I think that was a great example of constructive versus destructive conflict because a disagreement we often in workplaces this happens when both parties actually care about the work they're doing and the outcome. So it's just a disagreement on how do we best get there. That isn't a personal thing that's you both care. That's healthy it you have to have conflict for there to be innovation for there to be progress. If you're just doing the same thing the same way you don't have that. So so it takes someone speaking up and saying something. But it's when you're focused on the result and the solution and disagreeing through that that's constructive. If you change that now you're attacking that person and now it's destructive now we're not talking about the business result we're just talking about people and we get defensive our egos get involved we get challenged and I I really do believe that one of the best things you can do is get comfortable with language kind of being that specific saying you know getting to the heart of the matter asking the right questions and having like a bank of questions that you have ready to go. Working through okay how do I professionally say this or that? Because I mean it's all it's all has to be within reason.

SPEAKER_00 28:55

I agree. I think that the more that we come up with specifics the more comfortable that we can become in those kind of situations.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

Yeah. All right so our last question along the same lines this comes from Michelle in Dallas how do you stand up for yourself at work when something feels off but you don't want to come across as difficult there are so many people out there that don't speak up because they're they are afraid that they will be perceived as the problem and if you're always bringing up the problem if that shoe fits.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

I'm with the solution yeah that's exactly I think it has to be more solution oriented and I think that it's are you leaning in with curiosity? So how do you do it without being the one that's always bringing up the conflict or or potential problems? It's leaning in with curiosity. So it goes back to questions. We've talked a lot about that ask the right questions and always look at it from a solution oriented standpoint. If we do that is this a potential that could come up how might we handle it if it does so we're always looking at solution and we're looking at leaning in with curiosity rather than assuming what people think or what they mean by what they say.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

Yeah you know what happens when you assume that's right you make an ass of you and me for those that haven't heard that um so that's a big part of it but also and and I get it for women too we have a bit of a uh double standard so like if a man says something he is just being you know authoritative assertive he's a he's strategic when a woman says something that person is being calculated and a bitch and difficult to work with it's it's not fair but I do believe that that kind of women think about it more and they don't want to be difficult. So come with a solution but this this is a really good technique that I learned from uh somebody at the Department of Defense I can't tell you who or they'll have to kill me. Um so in order to get results on what you want so you you kind of create a mini business case. You bring the issue to that person and then you say here are three different solutions. Here's the one I'm recommending and why and then open it up to them for questions and and you most of the time they'll agree with you and they will select what you recommended or just want to tweak one of the other two it's very much like dealing with toddlers. So and I'm not I'm not I'm not saying that your boss is you know childish or anything it's just I learned this as a mom and it happens all the time at work. So if I were to have asked my kids when they were that age what do you want for lunch? Uh I don't know well let's have you know some kind of pizza some whatever right maybe I don't want to buy pizza that day. But if I ask them hey it's lunchtime do you want chicken nuggets or fish sticks? They're gonna pick chicken nuggets or fish sticks. So they still get to exercise choice but now you're collaborating together and it's not solely focused on the negative. You're working together on those solutions.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

Exactly here's a concern I've identified here's something that I that struck me and I wanted to run it past you. I I think that how we approach it, I think that if we're using the right tone and again leaning in with curiosity being inquisitive looking always looking for solutions and not just bringing up problems I think that becomes that's kind of our our superpower is that that's how we have to approach it. One of the mistakes I think a lot of times people make is they wait and and you really see that in a lot of our questions that we've answered today is that it's they get to the point where they get really frustrated and I'm there now I'm mad about it. Now what do I do because I'm mad about it. And the problem and it kind of goes back to what we said that it it will build and then we lose it. So our ability to maintain our composure is our ability to in the moment answer the right questions that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 32:58

Yeah and for me I have to be mindful of it because otherwise it'll be like my husband will say I've kept a record of like everything that happened in like the last year. You didn't take the trash out then you left my car out of gas this time like I right and those are smaller things but they come so much bigger if you're not addressing them.

SPEAKER_00 33:17

The longer we hold on to them the bigger they become and we have to be willing you know I tease a lot especially when I teach this topic I I tease a lot about how good comebacks and you know rank's going down or whatever and I'm I because I want to arm people I want people to feel like they have the techniques the communication techniques the tools to be able to handle difficult people. Not everybody has been listening to our podcast which is a mistake. I can't understand that at all. Tell them about it not everybody please do not everybody has been in a training session or a keynote or whatever. So it not everybody knows not everybody's a good communicator so it it is kind of it is on us to be willing to lean in and ask the questions and to not lose our cool and and be willing to speak up here it's not about good comebacks it's truly what high impact professional communication is all about. When we do not ask the questions when we do not address issues they fester. So our willingness to address things is what's healthy for relationships. That is what healthy conflict is all about. That's what healthy communication is that's how we have effective teams effective relationships all of those things are rooted in our willingness just to ask not assume but ask and that makes such a big difference.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

And I can't say enough about having the tone and the word choice matters too if I tell you to have a nice day and I do it in a nice lovely tone that's great. If I say enjoy the next 24 hours some of it's common for you.

SPEAKER_00 34:56

I've just threatened you right our tone the words we choose all the parts of the message your facial expressions will give you away I know sometimes people always tell me they've they're they've got a problem with their face uh change your face you can change your face believe it or not I have RBF rustic bitch face.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

I'm sure you've seen it in the videos.

SPEAKER_00 35:16

I don't mean to that's just my face but you know you can change what your facial expression is you can't change your face but you can certainly change your expression and so paying attention and truly choosing mind over matter truly choosing to to think that you know what that their intention maybe it wasn't what I thought. Maybe my reaction is not the reality and be willing to ask be willing to to ask people why they're doing that or what that means. Now I don't recommend a why question but tell me more about help me to understand here's what I'm seeing here's what I'm feeling help me to make sure I'm reading you right you know I want to understand I I want to make sure we're moving in the same direction. So the willingness to lean in with curiosity and ask questions is huge. I have one final thought and then I'll have I you're welcome to do the same I really do believe this that we lose our cool in a in a conversation in a conflict in a debate whatever it is we lose control of our emotions at precisely the moment we run out of things to say as long as you have something to say you won't lose your cool you can maintain your tone you can maintain your emotion it's when you feel like you get to that point where it's like I just don't you're not even listening to me I don't have anything to say I don't even know what to say to you anymore. When you get to that point is when we tend to lose our cool. So you can maintain your composure by learning the the questions learning the techniques so that you have something to say and you're moving conversations forward rather than getting to that tipping point where your emotions overwhelm.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

Absolutely empathy goes a long way as well if you are asking genuinely because people can tell if you're insincere. Absolutely if you are genuinely asking hey I this is what I thought in terms of how it might impact you. But but please tell me I want to make sure I've I've thought of all of it. And that can go a super long way when someone feels like oh you've put yourself in my shoes. And in terms of like yeah when you run out of things to say now it's you have to make sure that you are actively listening because if you are only listening with the intent of this is what I'm gonna say next you're not really hearing that person and that's it'll start to escalate. It's okay to listen pause and then respond. Or even sometimes I've said give me just a moment to collect my thoughts that's perfectly fine. If you are actively listening to that person, they will want that. Absolutely true. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 37:55

I hope this episode has been helpful. We had fun with this so keep the questions coming uh we're gonna do our fan mail five uh in all of our episodes but uh you never know when we may get a trend again and we may decide to do another uh episode where we do all fan mail questions so uh thank you for participating thank you to all of our our people that sent them in Eric and Jason and Priya and everybody that we got messages from thank you so much for that and we hope that it helps and we look forward to hearing from the rest of you remember communication is key if you want to break through.

SPEAKER_01 38:27

All right go like share subscribe do all the things tell a friend and make sure you submit those questions because the next time we might be reading yours.

SPEAKER_00 38:36

I love it. Bye bye this episode is sponsored by Heron HR, the experts in full service payroll and HR built for growing businesses. Heron HR offers a white glove experience and specifically works with small and mid-sized businesses. Their easy to use HRIS system comes with all the bells and whistles you'd expect from a payroll provider. Heron HR is there to take on as much or as little of your HR function as you want and need. If you're ready for a solution that scales with you if you need full service payroll or you just want a real HR partner they've got you covered.

SPEAKER_01 39:15

Give them a call today at 1-800-607-7787 or find them online at heronhr.com this episode is brought to you by Julie Birch Speaks if you want another boring keynote keep scrolling but if you want an experience meet Julie Julie isn't just a speaker she's the moment your audience didn't know they needed with down home charm a sharp sense of humor and zero tolerance for fluff she delivers real-world techniques that make people laugh think and actually do something different when they leave through relatable stories bold truth telling and solid business strategies wrapped in brilliant comedic humor Julie connects in a way that feels like a conversation not a lecture your audience won't be just entertained they'll be equipped energized and ready to level up solid business strategies brilliant comedic humor find Julie online at juliebirch.com or give her a call at 214 six seven nine two seven one seven