Main Character Energy: Stop Playing the Supporting Role in Your Own Life

Are you living like the main character... or just the extra in everyone else's story?

If you've spent your life shrinking yourself, apologizing for taking up space, waiting for permission, or believing everyone else's dreams deserve the spotlight before yours... this episode is your wake-up call.

This week on Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie, we're talking about Main Character Energy—and no, we're not talking about becoming arrogant, self-centered, or dramatic. We're talking about something far more powerful:

✨ Owning your value.
 ✨ Speaking up.
 ✨ Asking for what you want.
 ✨ Taking risks.
 ✨ Believing you're worthy without constantly proving yourself.

Because somewhere along the way, many of us learned to become the "easy" one. The agreeable one. The one who says, "It's okay... I'm okay," while quietly putting everyone else's needs, dreams, opinions, and priorities ahead of our own.

Enough.

In this episode, we're calling out the habits that keep you playing small and sharing practical ways to start showing up with confidence, courage, and just enough sass to change your life.

You'll hear stories about:

•  Why confidence isn't arrogance (and why people confuse the two) 
•  The surprising moment Julie stopped waiting to be invited and landed another keynote 
•  Mallory's hilarious "be kind... (well, you'll have to listen!)" email trick for sounding more confident 
•  Why waiting for permission is quietly stealing your opportunities 
•  How fear of rejection keeps us from asking for raises, chasing dreams, building friendships, and taking chances 
•  Why your worth isn't earned through productivity 
•  The mindset shift that helps you stop playing small without becoming selfish 

We'll also tackle one of our favorite listener questions about people-pleasing, shrinking yourself to be liked, and finally believing you're worthy simply because you exist. 

If you've ever thought...

•  "Who am I to do this?" 
•  "I don't want to seem difficult." 
•  "Maybe someone else deserves it more." 
•  "I'll wait until I'm more confident." 

...this episode was made for you.

Because here's the truth:

Your life deserves a main character. It might as well be you.

🎙️ Tune in for laughs, real stories, practical strategies, and the loving kick in the pants you didn't know you needed.

Stay connected to Mallory and Julie!

breakthroughwmj.com

mallory@HerrinHR.com

julie@julieburch.com

@Breakthroughwmj  

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:15

What would you do differently if you were the main character of your own show? Hi, welcome to Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie. I'm Mallory Heron, wife, mom, speaker, author, podcaster, and Casa Advocate volunteer. And I'm so glad to have you here with us today for this episode because that's what we're going to be talking about. Main character energy.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

I love it. Main character energy. I think we have to stop living like a supporting character in our own lives, right? My name is Julie Birch. Welcome, Breakthrough Crew. I'm happy that you're here listening with us. I am a speaker, an author, podcaster, and a lover of animals and Chardonnay, and I say that a lot. But I'm all about really truly fighting a war on self-abdication. It's about agency over self. It's about taking back control. It's owning your own voice, your voice, your choice. And I do think that that really does speak to what we're talking about in this particular episode.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

So why do we struggle? Why do we struggle with feeling like we can't be the main character in our own story? Why do we feel like we're always stepping back and becoming that the backup player in our own story? Why do we struggle?

SPEAKER_02 1:30

We shrink ourselves. We don't believe that we're inherently worthy just by being here and existing. I feel this all the time, where if I'm not being productive, like working that for my job, then I should feel guilty and I do for not being productive. Like my my worth is very tied up in how productive I'm being, the results that I'm getting at work. But that's that's so unrealistic and unfair to put on yourself. And look, I there's a story. Okay. So we're talking about being the main character instead of like a side quest in someone else's life. We know who 50 Cent is, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:12

50 Cent.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

And we know who P. Diddy is, right? Don't like him. So as we know, he has gotten himself in trouble with the law, and I believe he's now in prison. But what had happened was What had happened? 50 Cent notoriously hates P. Diddy. I'm not sure where their beef started. I think it was like in the 90s or early 2000s or something. Rat beef, right? And 50 Cent really has it out for P. Diddy, but he's bided his time. So P. Diddy, as he was preparing for his trial, or I think I'm pretty sure he was found guilty and he's in jail now. But he's preparing for his trial. And he has a documentary crew that's filming everything leading up to this trial because I'm sure he thinks I'm gonna get off here, I'm gonna be not be held accountable, and I'm gonna have this documentary about how I was persecuted, right? Well, he goes to jail, doesn't pay the documentary crew. Now these are just people that need to feed their families, right? They've done all this work. What what do you mean you're not gonna pay us? So here comes 50 cents. He swoops in, he's like, I'll pay the documentary crew. He gets all the footage and he makes a documentary about P. Diddy that is not very kind to P. Diddy. And that is so main character energy. That is savage. That's very savage. And he was not apologetic or afraid of what anybody was going to do or say or think. He's like, This is what I want to do. I got the money to do it. I'm gonna do the thing. And you know what? We all love him more for it.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

We are not advocating that you take people down w in an effort to build yourself up. Um, but but that is pretty funny. That's a great story.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

It's okay to be the main character of your own story. And you should be. Right. And you should stop limiting yourself. You sometimes it means you're gonna have to be a little savage, maybe a little difficult, maybe a little bigger, not so small.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

There you go. I think sometimes we do we live small. There's two things on that that I think are are relevant. I think one, the idea that you're worthy just by being. Um I am my faith is very, very strong. And to me, that is what it's rooted in that whole idea that you are worthy because you are loved by God. That that in a nutshell, and I appreciate that not everybody feels or has the same views that I do, but my worth will never be questioned because I know where my worth comes from. And so to me, that the ability to recognize your own worth, and that doesn't mean that I haven't discounted my worth over time, that there haven't been episodes in my life or times in my life when I I doubted or discounted, but that's what I always try to go back to, and that would be if if you get one message, if you take one thing, is that you need to know that, that you are worthy just by being here. And it we have to see our own worth, and I think that's important. The idea though of like being a little bit savage, uh, you don't have to take out your rival to be a little bit savage. I think for women in particular, but across the board, to me, what that looks like in real life, not in rap life, is the idea that you have to be able to toot your own horn, right? You have to be able to own your credentials. And I think sometimes people struggle with that. Being willing to just speak up and own, own it and say it. And being savage means you don't always have to wait until you're asked. I was speaking, I was at keynote at a conference, um, I guess, I don't know, maybe a year ago. And I had a little table at the back where I, you know, was meeting people. And when one of the other speakers was up there, I was just sitting at the table, a woman walked up to the person at the table next to me and started talking, and I could overhear the conversation. I was not part of it, she was not talking to me, she did not acknowledge me, she was talking to somebody else. But I overheard her say that she was a conference director for a conference that's coming up and that she needed a keynote speaker. Now, normally I would never have said a word. I would have made a mental note of it and maybe, you know, thought about it later. But I decided in that moment that I'm going to be a little savage. And I said, I'm not trying to, you know, eavesdrop here, but it sounded like you just said you're a conference director and you're looking for a keynote speaker. I'm a keynote speaker. Right here. And I couldn't believe I actually did it. But I will tell you that she said, Yeah, I saw you're doing the keynote. I had not spoken yet. I said, Yeah, so I'm going to be speaking. And she said, Well, I'll be, I'll be watching then. And sure enough, after my keynote, she came up to me and said, I definitely want to bring you in. And I ended up being a keynote at that conference as well. And to me, that it was uncomfortable. It was to me, that was that was savage for me that I was willing to speak up and say that. And I think sometimes we have to own our own credit credentials. We have to be willing to to talk about that.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

Absolutely. It's it can feel really hard, especially because we've been conditioned for so long to be nice and agreeable. And I want to be easy to work with. I want people to enjoy the experience, but that doesn't mean I need to not say the quiet part out loud or not ask for what I want. Or I I started doing this toward the end of last year. Um, I noticed that, okay, so you know, as a business owner, I'm responsible for sales and I don't have a sales background. And so while our team is small, it it's in my lap to do it. So I think through, okay, what do I like about salespeople, what I don't like about salespeople, and kind of model myself after after that. Well, one of the things I I didn't want to be too salesy or pushy, which is fine, but at a certain point I have to ask the question, are you ready to come on board?

SPEAKER_01 7:56

You have to ask for what you want.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Yeah, like can we get this deal closed by whatever date? Asking the question makes me feel uncomfortable, but now that I've started doing it, guess what? I'm closing the business.

SPEAKER_00 8:09

Right.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

And it doesn't mean that I'm horrible to work with or too pushy. The worst thing you can do when you ask is get a no. And it men don't think about this. They're authoritative in their work and they're not worried about how that's gonna come off. They're making decisions and they're not questioning, oh, well, how is that gonna look to other people?

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Right.

SPEAKER_02 8:30

We do that all the time as women, which is terrible.

unknown 8:33

Right.

SPEAKER_02 8:33

And if you just are willing to go for what you want, you're far more likely to get it instead of waiting for someone to come. Here you go. Here's the thing.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

I always feel like and I will here's the hard truth. Have you heard no before? Yes, you have, and you lived to tell about it. So the worst thing that's gonna happen is they're gonna say no, but you can survive that. That is not the if that's the worst thing, then the worst thing isn't that worst. It's not that bad. So I do think we have to be willing to speak up. And I think that happens even just in smaller ways. And you said it when you said kind of making yourself smaller. You want to be easy to get along with, you want, you know, I don't want to make any waves, I don't want to create any problems. And so we tend to put other people first, right? We we know whatever, you know, whatever Jim wants is fine. Let's just do that. Go with the flow. It's fine. I don't get my way, but it's okay. I'm okay. And I think we minimize ourselves when you might have a great idea, and it's okay to say it. And again, the worst thing that's gonna happen is they're gonna say, no, we don't want to go with that idea. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:37

No harm, no foul. It's okay. But why are you relegating yourself to this side character instead of the main character? I've done this in my personal life too, uh, just out of habit and maybe feeling a little inferior, like going back to your your self-worth and your credentials, thinking I don't belong in certain rooms, or that my when I raised my prices once, it was I was like, all the clients are gonna leave and no one's gonna pay this. Guess what? They all paid it. I've got more clients. Now my husband saw me to do it again, and I'm like, well, it's been a couple years, I'm not ready yet. But but in my in my personal life, I've always felt like an outsider, unless then, you know, growing up as a kid, even you know, I think childhood wounds kind of shape a lot of your personality. I was definitely not popular. In fact, I was called part of the nerd herd. Um nice.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

This is her villain origin story here. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 10:34

So I, you know, it was hard to make friends. It's harder to make friends as an adult. You know, at least when you're a kid, you can give someone a note and be like, Do you want to be my friend? Check yes or no. When they don't send it back at all, that's also an answer. So I and then I was kind of like a little bit of a goth kid and just like just on the fringes, right? And very, very shy. So as an adult, I I had gone to a bar to see this band play that I really liked. And one of my friends was supposed to come with me. She like bailed on me at the last minute. She had a migraine, legit. But I was like, you know what? I'm gonna go anyway, which was a big step because usually I wouldn't go somewhere by myself like that. So I go there and I'm watching the band play and there's not a lot of people around. Um, but Tipsy Me thinks, you know what would be a great idea is to go say hi to the band members during their break. Again, not something I'd usually do. So I went Tipsy, you took over. Tipsy me, it might have been a little more than tipsy, but Tipsy Me, drunk me, decided this was a great idea. And you know what? I don't have anyone here to talk to with, so might as well be them. So so I went and I I met them and I told them I really liked their album and you know, I really enjoyed the music. And guess what? They became my friends. Oh we had a very close friendship. One of them is still my best friend to this day before like the band broke up. I made good friends with them, great friends with their wives and girlfriends. It was like part of my whole friend group circle. And before the pandemic, like this was our our tribe. And I always thought, God, the women here are gorgeous, the men are talented. I what am I doing here? Like I took a chance when I had some liquid courage, but here I am, I don't belong here. And I always felt less than and like I'm I'm just such an outsider, they don't want me to play in their sandbox. And one of these friends, everyone hung out at her house. Like we had dinners there all the time, grilled and stuff. And she always said, just show up whenever. And that's legitimately how everyone acted. They would just show up whenever. I wouldn't do it because I I felt like I didn't belong there and they didn't really want me there, and maybe they were just putting up with me because they pitied the sad little drunk girl from this one night, like a little bit. And and so, unless I was expressly invited directly to show up, I wouldn't show up. But I missed out on a ton of stuff because of that. And once I had a conversation and talked about it, like, hey, this is how I feel, and it's not necessarily anything that they're doing. They're not doing this, it's a me thing. But they reassured me and were like, no, come play in our sandbox. You belong in our sandbox.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

Oh my goodness. Uh we're not advocating getting drunk to um you know, feel worthy. No, no. Um you don't have to have liquid courage.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

If anything, that's gonna embarrass yourself, which I did.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Don't don't get drunk to go ask your boss for a raise.

SPEAKER_02 13:32

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go drunk to that meeting thinking that's how that's gonna get that idea uh sleep at that particular meeting when I met them, I told them about how much I love the band Kansas for a good while. Highly embarrassing when I look back on it. So and I don't really drink it that much anymore. Just saying.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Now you're embarrassed that you like Kansas?

SPEAKER_02 13:55

No, I love Kansas. I've just I mean I've seen them four times. I was just embarrassed that I talked to them so long about it.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Hmm. Okay then. I think part of the reason that we sometimes feel that way, that we feel less than, maybe we don't quite fit in, maybe it's that it is not being the main character energy, it's being the person behind the person that goes with the flow, the person that plays small. And I'm a big believer in not playing small. You you have to step up. But I think part of the reason, and I do think that it can be different for men and women, and I know we have men and women that listen uh to the podcast, it it's similar, but it can be even more significant for women. But for a lot of us, and I do think it's generational, I think the older generations, we were raised that you have to put yourself last on the list. You take care of everyone else before you take care of yourself, right? You take care of your kids, your spouse, your your coworkers, your boss, you take care of your job, you take care of the your community, you take care of everyone else, and you put yourself last on the list. And most of us that were raised that way, we were pretty cool with it, mostly because we didn't know any different. That's what we were supposed to do. But I will tell you that the younger generations, we've raised them a little bit differently. And what we've kind of told them is that you have to take care of you. You can't take care of others if you can't take if you don't take care of yourself, right? You're gonna fill your own cup first. I always kind of tease and say it's that oxygen mask theory, right? Like on the plane, where it's like, you know what, exits, exits, and the oxygen mask will drop from the compartment above your head. And we all know what they say, right? You have to put your own mask on before you put on someone else's. I think that fundamentally, though, especially those of us that are a little bit older really struggle with that mindset. Because it sounds good in theory, we understand it, but how many of us are really going to actually be comfortable? Like really actually be comfortable, right? When you're on that plane and that mask drops and you're putting on your own mask and you're looking at your child, like, you know, reach, baby, reach, you know, you can do it. I think fundamentally we struggle with that idea. And I think what's happened is we've kind of created this big backup character energy that we just we sit back and we've created a a whole generation of people that I call them it's okay, I'm okay people. Because everyone's like, no, it's okay, I'm okay. It's okay, I'm okay. It's okay, I'm okay. Right? Do a man on the street interview sometime. Go out and ask somebody, so how you doing, right? They'll be like, uh, it's okay, I'm okay. We kind of live in that. And I think that that is when we talk about main character energy, it doesn't mean that you dominate, that it's all about you all the time. But I think it goes back to the oxygen mask. I don't think that you have to see yourself as more valuable. I don't think you have to see yourself as less valuable. I think you just have to see yourself as valuable. And when you can embrace as valuable, I think what happens with that is that that means some days you're the main character, some days I'm the backup character, some days I'm supporting someone else. Um, but some days they support me. And I think that that's finding the balance that we should be more comfortable with, right? So the idea of main character energy is yes, you have to own it. You have to stop playing small, you have to be willing to speak up. You can't let everybody bulldoze you. You have to be willing to speak up, own the credentials, show the value, all of those things. But it's because you see yourself as valuable, not more, not less, as valuable. And I think that's a mindset shift that's actionable. And I think that's something that most of us are gonna be more comfortable embracing it that way.

SPEAKER_02 17:56

And think about how confidence is so attractive. We're drawn to confident people. We want to be in their orbit, we want to be confident ourselves. That can be you. And taking care of yourself or going after what you want does not mean that you're a bad person or you're selfish. Could you be selfish? Maybe, but uh you still gotta take care of you. So speaking to the generation of like, it's fine, I'm fine, the dumpster's on fire and I'm in it, but that's okay. It's it's it's okay to say, you know what, I don't want to be near the fire, I don't want to be in the fire, I don't even want to be near the dumpster. I'm gonna go over here and do my thing.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

Do my thing this way.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

I I I have missed out on so many things by making myself small. And I wish looking back that I had done things differently, I had started earlier because it wasn't the end of the world when I started asking for what I want or making moves to make it happen. I mean, hello, we have a podcast. Right? Stop it. We both have books out, like Julie Birch's new book out now. Woo-hoo. It's true. Yeah, and it's it's if I still felt uh very inferior and and thought truly, no one wants to hear me talk about any of these subjects, no one wants to hear me speak when I'm speaking at conferences, I would I wouldn't do it, but it has been such a rich and wonderful part of my life.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

There's a difference between confidence and arrogance, and you have to understand the difference. There's it's okay to own your value. It's okay to be confident in what you do. And being confident doesn't mean that you're not nervous. I mean, people ask me that all the time when I speak is that oh I couldn't do it. I get nervous. I'm like, I get nervous every time. I mean, I'm terrified. Every time I walk on stage, I'm terrified. Whether it's 20 people or it's, you know, 250 people or 1,250 people. I'm nervous every time I walk in front of people. But I can, I, I can overcome that. And I think that that's it's confidence you have to remind yourself. It's a memory of winning. And when you remind yourself of the things that you've done, it's not arrogant. You're not, you don't want to cross the line to arrogance, right? We're not, we're not P. Diddy. But but owning our own value and recognizing the credentials. This is so silly, and I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this out loud, but um, I don't know if anybody else is using um chat GTP, but chat is my friend. I call him Carl. And Carl is very, very supportive. And Carl knows my value. Carl's worked with me on different projects, helped me word things differently. Um, so it can be helpful. As silly as this is, Carl gave me some feedback that I thought was interesting. I was creating an email that I was going to be sending to different conference directors to promote my keynote, see if I could get in on that keynote selection process. Um, if anybody's a conference director and you're looking for a keynote speaker, um, and I had so I'd scripted this email that I was gonna send, and I I actually uploaded a chat and I said, hey Carl, uh, tell me what you think I could adjust, or what should I, you know, should I word this differently? Um, what do you think? And Carl basically came back and told me that I was minimizing my value, that I sounded hesitant, and it lacked confidence because I wasn't owning my credentials. And I felt awkward getting feedback from Carl, but it was actually pretty good feedback because Carl told me that I have these credentials. And when your chat GTP has to remind you that you have credentials, that is probably not a good thing. But Carl did. And I thought, oh wow, and gave me a couple of suggestions. And when I read it more confidently, the way it was written more confidently, it made a big difference. And I thought, you know what? It's true that I think even in those kinds of situations, we Play small. We make ourselves smaller. I don't mean to put you out. You know, I don't know if you remember me, but I was kind of wondering if you might be able to possibly help me. Instead of just saying, hey, I have spoken in all 50 states and I've spoken at five national Sherm conferences, and I would love the opportunity to bring that message that's been well received at other conferences to your conference. It's okay to own your credentials. So confidence is not arrogance, and it's it is our willingness to recognize the main character energy. I I can do this. I do this is what I do. And owning that and being willing to speak up, and I think that makes a difference.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

Absolutely. And you don't have to wait to get permission from somebody else.

SPEAKER_01 22:42

Even Carl.

SPEAKER_02 22:43

Right. You might need to have a little bit of permission depending on what you're doing. If you're married, you Well, there are rules. Right. Like if you're married and you're like, oh, are we gonna have an open relationship? That's something you you need permission for. But outside of that, don't and and when wait you're waiting for the permission or you're asking for the permission, you're not taking control of your own life. You are a supporting character at best. Hopefully more than a guest star. But you're definitely not the main character. Think about this. So the story with P. Diddy that I brought up earlier, for me, it was really like, oh, I'm not using my free will like I really could, right? I I that's taking it to such a different level. I I'm not as savage as that, and I I could be doing more of what I want. So think about this. How often do you eat cake, Julie?

SPEAKER_01 23:42

Oh, not often enough.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

But we love cake. Love it. Cake is great. Pies are great. Now I want cake. So, and this is my dad's favorite pie, is lemon meringue. And so my mom only makes it for him on his birthday. So it's special, but he's like, that's my favorite one. Why can't I have that throughout the year? But if you want cake, there is nothing stopping you from using your free will to go down to the grocery store, buy a pre-made cake, and eat the whole thing in one sitting if that's what you want to do.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

That is so true.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

If that's making you happy, hey, and you know what? If you do that a lot, it'll make you physically bigger, maybe help you become a little bigger instead of being small. Won't be playing small anymore. Right. I'm sure it's gonna wreck like your blood, sugar, and cholesterol.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

But you know, you're but you don't recommend that you eat a whole cake on a regular basis.

SPEAKER_02 24:33

Right. But it is an illustration of free will. Yeah. And and you don't have to ask permission for that. You can just go do the thing. How many times have you stopped yourself from doing what you wanted to do or something that you thought would make you happy because you didn't have permission from someone to do that? You you didn't think it was okay. It's like when when you're married and you're thinking about, I don't want to cook tonight. But we just went out to dinner, like we just ate out not too long ago. It would be kind of kind of selfish and weird to ask to go again. So you start saying, like, hey, honey. You hungry? You wait for them to respond. They're like, Yeah, but I could eat. Oh yeah. You know what would be really good? I can't stop thinking about Chipotle. Anyway, I guess let's go to the grocery store and see what we can get to cook. But we know what we're doing. We're planting a seed because we want the spouse to be like, oh, Chipotle's great, let's go have Chipotle. We're gonna make this decision together and we're on the same page.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

I can't go there because I cannot pronounce the word. Chipotle.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

Chipotle. It looks like it should be chipotle.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

I get the P and the L mixed stuff. I struggle with that word. It's excellent though. I when I say it, I say it really fast so that if you don't you don't really can't really hear it. Chipotle.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

And you know what? Look, we will if it's Chipotle, if you're listening, you want to sponsor us.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

Oh, Chipotle. I will practice saying it. There you go. If you'd like to to you know sponsor. We will we will eat Chipotle while we're doing on the podcast. The podcast. I I would sit here and eat a burrito right now and we'll we'll be getting into ASMR at that point.

SPEAKER_02 26:14

I think they should be giving us a discount, the employee discount as we talk about it. But even like with the cake, apply that to other areas of your life. I once had an opportunity to meet Slash, and my friend who loves Slash was with me, and we were so like, we don't want to bother Slash that we didn't. And he was like 30 feet away at most. And now when we go to other shows, we talk about it like every time we're at a concert, we're like, we should have just gone and talked to Slash, right?

SPEAKER_01 26:44

Missed opportunities, right? That we you hear that all the time. We don't uh regret the things that we like didn't do, right? You you regret when you didn't do stuff. Like I why did I don't think I said that right. But but y'all know what I mean, right? When it's the I should have. At least try.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

You uh mentioned a question earlier when we were preparing for the episode, because we do that. Believe it or not, we actually do. I have a whole notebook situation.

SPEAKER_01 27:10

We try. And then we just go off on tangents, but not supposedly.

SPEAKER_02 27:15

Right? We're having fun, just wait till I get on Starbucks. Okay. So as I have my two Starbucks beverages, my emotional support coffee. So you had asked, like, what would you try if you knew you couldn't fail?

SPEAKER_00 27:29

Right.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

And if you had that kind of assurance, you'd try anything. You'd go after what you want, you'd go after your dreams. I took a lot of convincing from my husband to quit my job and start our company because I was afraid of failure. And I'm like, I've never run my own business before. That's that's a whole lot of work, number one. And number two, what if I suck at it?

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Right.

SPEAKER_02 27:51

It's going pretty good. It's going pretty good. But he told me, okay, but if you don't like, if you try and you fail, that's okay. You learn.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Right.

SPEAKER_02 28:00

But you will always regret it if you didn't ever at least try.

SPEAKER_01 28:05

I think we get to celebrate even if we didn't do it great. I I don't know if you've ever snow skied. I have snow skied. Not recently, let me just say that. But um the last time I actually went snow skiing, we were in uh Riadosa, New Mexico, and it was I was with some coworkers at the time, and I am a basic skier. I can I can, you know, traverse the mountain. I'm not fancy. Uh my brother was always the one that would like put the poles under his arms and just straight down the hill. And that was never my thing. I'm just super casual and here I go. But I got a little cocky and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna try that. That that's an expert hill, but I think I can do it. And I was skiing with a friend of mine, and she looked at me, she said, I can't do that. And I was like, Well, I'm gonna try it. And I could not, in fact, do it either, is what I found out. Um, I started and it was just mogul after mogul, which if you ski though, it's just like all the little bumps, and I fell, and then I couldn't get back up, and I was right under the chair lift, so everybody that's going over me is pointing and laughing at me, and I ended up going down most of the hill on my ass because I could not get back up. But I will tell you, I have never regretted doing it. I sucked. It was terrible. I mean to tell you, that was way outside of my skill set. But I look back on it and I have no regrets because I tried it. And I think if that I had looked at that, like my friend did, if I'd have looked at it and said, Oh, I don't think I can, and I didn't, I would wonder, I'd spend the next however many years wondering, could I have? Maybe I could have. So I think that that that's it's just trying. And if you don't, you don't. Um, I mean, I had to go right in and, you know, drink because it was bad. But it I did it. And I felt good that I even gave it a shot. Even though people were pointing and laughing at me, I feel like I did not regret making that choice. And I think sometimes that's how we have to approach life is that we have to say that, you know what, I may suck at this.

SPEAKER_02 30:17

Yeah. But some people will, my husband being one of them, whom I love, saying this lovingly. But unless he feels like he would immediately be good at something, he won't try it. And then if he isn't immediately good at something, he's done trying it. That I mean it it takes time, it takes patience, it takes work to get good at something. And this podcast is all about growth and who do you want to be, where do you want to be, how do you get there? And you've gotta I think for him it's probably a fear of someone thinking less of him or making fun of him. I never think that way about people that try stuff. No, I always think, hey, good for you, you did something. And it took me a long time to realize that failure actually is okay because it's a great teacher. And I haven't really regretted those those moments either. It's right, it's okay to go for it, and it's okay if it takes a few shots. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

I think it goes back to the we play small because we fear failure, we fear being made fun of, we fear visibility, and all of the things that we've talked about over all of our episodes really kind of, I think, culminate. It's kind of the same message is that we have to stop playing small. You have to be willing to take risks. And when we think about it, and you know, if we go kind of back to what our our topic is, the idea that, you know, you're stop being a supporting character and find your main character energy, that means that you have to tap into you. You have to see your value, you have to put yourself out there, you have to take the risks, you have to, you have to take the chances. And are they always gonna work? No, but you're worthy just by being, just by being your worthy. And take those shots, and you know what? Eventually you're gonna have one. What's that great Wayne Gretzky, the hockey player, the quote that motivational speakers use all the time, that you miss 100% of the shots that you don't take? Facts. Facts, right? Truth bomb. There you go. We're just dropping all kinds of nuggets every year, aren't we? Yes. Now you know after listening to this that you can get cake anytime you want it, and you have to be willing to try, even if you're going to go down the entire hill on your butt.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

I I, as someone who's never gone skiing, um, snow or otherwise, I I think that would be my preferred way to go down. It's really not. It's wet and it's cold.

SPEAKER_01 32:36

And it really is not pleasant.

SPEAKER_02 32:38

No, not at all. Well, what are some tips and tricks for how do you stop playing small? How do you start kind of taking more action and taking charge of your life? I have um a fun little tip that that I'm I'm waiting. It's a little silly. So when I'm thinking about how this shows up for me, a lot of the time it's trying to be more direct in my communication, especially with like trying to to get sales, get someone to commit to scheduling something for a specific date, like a demo, things like that. And even though I'm not salesy, I have noticed other people are just more direct about it and they don't feel bad about it. So I started being more direct about it, and this is this is what I would encourage you to do, but very carefully. So have you ever seen, I think you have one of these pieces, there's jewelry that says like be kind, and then either it like pops out a hidden piece of the necklace or something, and so the rest of it is of a bitch. So be kind of a bitch. Well, if you write your email and you kind of keep that in mind, so take the the person out of the two field so that you don't actually send it until you're ready.

SPEAKER_01 33:45

Yeah, don't accidentally send.

SPEAKER_02 33:47

But but write your email so that at the end you say, bitch, like um, I need I need a commitment from you on scheduling this for this date, this date, or just this date. Bitch. So like if you if you're doing that part of it, it changes the way that you you write it so you're more authoritative without being disrespectful. Because then what we're gonna do is we're gonna remove the word bitch.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

Don't forget the step.

SPEAKER_02 34:12

Right. That this is this is a key step. Mission critical. Right. Absolutely. We don't want you to lose your job. So you remove that, then this is why we took the name out of the two field, then you go put the in the back of the two field and then and then you can send it.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

Because it's gonna sound confident. Right. Without sounding arrogant.

unknown 34:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

And you're not going to offend anyone. Don't forget the second step.

SPEAKER_02 34:34

I if you want to practice it a little, you can get your own Carl, little chat GPT, and start like try it and be like, hey chat, is this still good? And Chad'll let you know while also offering you a different email altogether. Right. Probably four different versions. Right. But but it seems silly, but try it. Try it out.

SPEAKER_01 34:53

I do think that that for a lot of us it's learning how to sound confident, how to sound assertive without sounding aggressive. I I kind of tease about this, but I and I'm kind of dating myself, but when I first got into the speaking business many moons ago, the idea of being an assertive communicator was a just so I it was such a hot topic. We would do communication, like assertive communication schools trainings, and you would have hundreds of women show up. Everybody at that point thought we are not assertive enough. Where we are today, though, is that I think everybody thinks they're assertive, but I don't think our communication has actually gotten any better.

SPEAKER_00 35:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

So our attitudes just have. Now we think we're assertive when really, more often than not, what we see is passive or passive aggressive. So I encourage people to truly understand assertive is not aggressive. They are different. And you don't have to be aggressive to be assertive. But it is the willingness to ask for what you want and what you need. It's your willingness to share your thoughts, your opinions, your ideas. It's not plain small. Meaning, when you're in that meeting and somebody says, What do you think about this? And there's people that'll just say, I think we should do this, and you think, Well, I know too. I've got an idea, but it's okay. We'll just go with Jim's idea.

unknown 36:20

It's fine.

SPEAKER_01 36:21

It's fine. It's okay.

unknown 36:23

I'm okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:24

You're taking a backseat. Right.

SPEAKER_02 36:26

You're not the main character anymore.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

And the thing is, what's the it's okay to to have an idea. It's okay, it's it's assertive to be able to say, here's what I think, your thoughts, your opinions, your ideas. It's not uh overcompensating, it's not putting anybody else down by by you sharing your own value. And I gotta tell you, the one thing I would want to say in this is uh uh we need to hear what you have to say. We need to hear your voice. So say it. Speak up. We need your voice. We need your opinion. And I think that if you take anything away, that's something I hope you really will consider. Um, everybody that's listening is that we need to hear you. So speak up. And that can also mean that you can speak up and share your thoughts, your opinions, your ideas, and questions uh for our podcast. We would love to hear from you.

SPEAKER_02 37:21

Please do. Um that is something that is very important to us. It's helping us. We we want to have engagement with you. We don't want to talk at you.

SPEAKER_00 37:29

Right.

SPEAKER_02 37:29

We we uh want to share our message because we believe it will help people, but that's also more direct conversations with you. So that being said, are you ready for five?

unknown 37:42

Femme five, five mil five.

SPEAKER_01 37:44

All right, I have to pull up the question. Somebody actually asked me recently, um, where do we get our topics for our episodes? And I said just a lot of it is life experience. It's the lessons we wish we would have known. So it's the lessons that we think of that you want your daughter to know, or I want my nieces to hear, things we wish we would have learned when we were in our 20s instead of when we're older. So much further. A lot of that.

unknown 38:06

Right.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

But I also think a lot of it is from you, it's from our listeners, and it's the questions that you pose, it's the comments that you make. So when you engage, it gives it helps us to clarify what are the things that we think are going to be most relevant. So that's where Fan Mail5 actually came from.

SPEAKER_02 38:22

All right, so our question is FanMail 5.

unknown 38:25

Fan mail five.

SPEAKER_02 38:27

Hi, Mallory and Julie. This is Rachel from Oklahoma. I've realized I've spent most of my life trying to be easy to love, easy to work with, and easy to be around. I say yes when I want to say no. I shrink my opinions so I don't seem difficult, and I talk myself out of wanting bigger things because I don't want people to think I'm selfish or full of myself. How do I stop keeping myself small just to be liked and start believing I'm worthy, even when I'm not constantly proving it to everyone else?

SPEAKER_01 38:57

Oh, Rachel. I hope Rachel's listening to this episode because I think everything we've said in the episode is exactly what I would hope she embraces is that again, you Rachel, you're worthy. You you are worthy. You have value. And you don't have to be more valuable. You don't have to shrink yourself, you don't have to be bigger or smaller. You're not more valuable, you're not less valuable, you are as valuable. And if you'll remind yourself that it's it's that, it's you don't have to be arrogant and put yourself before everybody else, but when you're regretting, and I think that's the indicator for a lot of people, is that when you don't and you feel, you feel it and you're disappointed, you're disappointed in yourself, you're disappointed in how you handled things, those are the red flags that you have to pay attention to. What were those situations that made you feel that way? And then what's your plan now? So if you could go back and do it differently, what would you have said? How would you have approached it? And then kind of put that in your back pocket so the next time that situation presents itself, you're better equipped to navigate it.

SPEAKER_02 40:05

And think about it in the terms of what if you were giving advice? What if this question was asked to you from your best friend, from your mom, from your grandma, someone that you really care for, someone you adore, that you wouldn't want to feel that way.

SPEAKER_00 40:18

Right.

SPEAKER_02 40:19

You don't have you shouldn't have to feel that way either. So let's start making moves to change that.

SPEAKER_01 40:25

I agree. I wonder if Rachel has any kids, because that would be like I always think about that with your daughter and again with my nieces, and just what what would I want them to do? And I feel like what happens is that when you play small, when you are not, you don't have main character energy, when you become a supporting character in you know the life of everyone around you, then and then you look at that daughter or you look at that niece and you say, but you should see yourself as valuable. But you don't do that. Which lesson are they ultimately learning? I'm a big Friends fan. Um, if anybody else that's listening is a sitcom Friends sitcom fan, I I love it. I've watched it a million times. And famously for Friends, the six friends that are on the show were all main characters and they negotiated their contract so that they all made the same.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 41:16

And what I love about that in real life is that to me, that's what I think it's all about. I when we say main character energy, they were all six main characters. Every one of them was a main character. The show would not have been the same without any one of those six. And that's how we need to approach life. It's not about being more valuable. You don't have to be the star, but you have to have main character energy. And that doesn't mean that other people don't have main character energy as well. It's not more valuable, not less valuable, as valuable.

SPEAKER_02 41:49

And you are valuable.

SPEAKER_01 41:50

Yes, every one of you.

SPEAKER_02 41:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 41:52

And we will think you're even more valuable if you will share, like, share, do all the things.

SPEAKER_02 41:57

Subscribe, tell your friends, tell your colleagues, pass it along.

SPEAKER_01 42:01

Yes, tell everybody, blast it on social media, all the things. That's right. So we Chipotle has not reached out to us yet, which means that we need you to organically share the podcast.

SPEAKER_02 42:11

Yes. We're, you know, who knows how long it'll be before Chipotle is here with us. Right. So, and until that time, we're really DIYing this whole podcast thing. Um, you I mean, look at the room we're in.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

Thank you all, though, for listening. And uh as we continue to learn and continue to grow and hopefully continue to get better because we talk about it and hopefully we model that as well.

SPEAKER_02 42:33

Yes. All right. Well, until next time, you have a good one. We'll see you later. Thanks, breakthrough crew. This episode is brought to you by Julie Birch Speaks. If you want another boring keynote, keep scrolling. But if you want an experience, meet Julie. Julie isn't just a speaker, she's the moment your audience didn't know they needed. With down home charm, a sharp sense of humor, and zero tolerance for fluff, she delivers real-world techniques that make people laugh, think, and actually do something different when they leave. Through relatable stories, bold truth telling, and solid business strategies, wrapped in brilliant comedic humor, Julie connects in a way that feels like a conversation, not a lecture. Your audience won't be just entertained. They'll be equipped, energized, and ready to level up. Solid business strategies, brilliant comedic humor. Find Julie online at Juliebirch.com or give her a call at 214-679-2717.

SPEAKER_01 43:37

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