I’m Constantly Deciding... Should I Say Something or Let It Go (when traveling alone)

I can feel right away when something is slightly off and I have to decide, quickly, what I’m going to do with it.

Do I say something.

Or do I let it go.

I think you know that moment, the one where you’re still in it, and you’re already deciding what it means, whether it’s worth your energy.

Sometimes you don’t say anything. But later, you’re still thinking about it.

This episode starts with something that happened at a hotel spa in Sapa. But it’s not really about the spa. It’s about that moment where you realize you have a choice, and you don’t always know which one you’re going to make until you’re already in it.

I’ve been noticing how often this comes up, also in my everyday life, in conversations, in relationships, in small everyday interactions that don’t quite land.

What I’m starting to see is that there’s a cost either way. But you don’t always know what that cost is until after.

If you’ve ever walked away from something small and kept thinking about it… or stayed in something longer than you wanted to… you’ll recognize this.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

She looked at me and said, No discount for you. And I remember thinking, that's not true. You could give me one. You're choosing not to. And I could feel the moment stretch where I had a decision to make. And I've realized I'm making that same kind of decision over and over again. Most women think solo travel is about being brave or fearless. But it's really about letting go of the expectations holding you in place. This show is about what changes when you stop waiting and take yourself seriously, starting with intentional travel. I'm Danielle and this is Freedom Looks Like This. Let's get started. That wasn't the first time I experienced such a moment. That split second where something happens and I'm deciding what to do with it. Sometimes I notice what's going on for me right then, and at other times I only see it after. I think that's what I've been noticing. This habit of deciding what something means while I'm still in it. Someone asked me recently how I wash my hair. I said, the same way you do. I mimed it and we kept moving. I had already decided how I was going to take questions like this one. I've thought about it enough that I know what feels okay to me there. Curiosity is okay. When I see someone who's different from me, I notice it too. That doesn't automatically mean judgment. Mostly it's just noticing. And I don't think acknowledging difference is a problem. Actually, I think it matters. Because visibility requires that we acknowledge difference. And justice and equity require that we can name it without immediately turning it into something negative. And I've already decided how I want to move in those moments. So with the question about washing my hair, I didn't need to do anything more than have a light response. I didn't need to teach her or explain anything beyond what I had decided to say. I answered and moved on. You know that moment where something could go in a few different directions and you quickly have to decide what you're going to do with it. Maybe you keep it light, go further, or even disengage completely. Most of the time you don't even make these decisions consciously. Sometimes when I tell people I'm from St. Lucia, they ask me where is it in Africa? I pause. Because I'm deciding in that moment how much I want to engage. I can explain fully, even pull up a map. I can choose to give context or just say it once and move on. Usually when I choose to explain, it's because I can tell the person is trying to understand more about the world. But at other times, I don't have the energy. There are people who ask, but they seem to have very little interest in the answer, as if it doesn't even matter to them. You know that moment where you're assessing what's in front of you and deciding how much of yourself you want to give to it? I often experience that with questions of this nature. And that decision shapes what happens next more than the situation itself. It's not about what's right. In fact, I don't even think there's one right way. Sometimes it's about what you have the capacity for or what you want to reinforce. And sometimes it's about how much energy you have and what is it that you want to carry. Part of what has changed for me, being in my 40s, is that I'm more aware of when I'm keeping the peace and when I'm shrinking. And those are not the same thing. I think part of it is just having more reference points. More moments where I've let something go and didn't feel good about it after. Or moments where I pushed and then I questioned it later. So I'm not guessing as much anymore. Often I can anticipate what will happen. I've spent a lot of time being polite and being agreeable, even when something didn't feel right. And I don't want to do that by default anymore. I still want to be respectful, but I don't want to disappear in situations where something matters to me. Empathy is not okay if I'm invalidating my own experience. The spa at my hotel in Sapa was one of those moments last week. I had just come back from a four-hour hike and I was tired. I went to the spa and made a reservation for a combo. And it was supposed to involve three different elements. One of them was a massage, and the massage was good and it was long, but it wasn't all I asked for. So at the time of my experience, I realized, oh, this was not what I was expecting. And I told the reception that I didn't get the treatment I had booked. The receptionist didn't respond to that at all. She went straight to trying to figure out what to charge me. So I was standing there, still holding what I had said, because I thought it was the start of a conversation. But for her, she had moved on. Maybe you've experienced this where you say something and it doesn't land anywhere. It doesn't have to be something big. It can be something small, but you can feel it that it's slightly off. And you're deciding really quickly, do I say something here? And what makes it tiring is that it keeps happening. It's not like it's one decision. It's small decisions like this over and over again. And you don't even realize often that you're making them. But they do add up. This time, I didn't let it go. I looked at the prices in the menu, and the first time I looked at it, I thought maybe I was reading it wrong. So I checked it again to be sure before I said anything. It still didn't make sense because the package they were charging me for was more expensive than if the items were added individually. I've had a lot of spa packages, and usually they give you a discount of the individual prices. So I pointed it out. Either they didn't understand their own pricing or they were deliberately overcharging. That's when my principals got involved. Now, it gets complicated sometimes while traveling because sometimes you're communicating with people where you don't speak the same language. So in this case, we were using the translation app at first. It was a different person than the receptionist who had booked me in. But then that receptionist arrived, and she spoke English, so I was able to explain the situation again. So then the two ladies were talking in Vietnamese, and as I was watching them discuss it, I was trying to understand what was going on. Was this confusion? Was it a language or a cultural difference? What was I missing? At the same time, I was also thinking, this hotel is in a very busy, very touristy area. They advertise in multiple languages. I didn't feel like I needed to prioritize harmony then. So I asked again. I asked if there was any flexibility with the pricing. And one of the receptionists, she turned to the computer to check. Since she was checking, that meant there was a possibility. So I waited. I remember watching her really closely. Because up until then it felt like the decision was closed. Like there was actually nothing to discuss. But when she turned to the computer, something shifted for me. Because now I could see she was actually checking. So in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, there is something here. There is something to look up. So maybe this is just a misunderstanding. And once she checks, she'll get this resolved. I could feel myself softening a little while I was waiting. Like, and I don't have to push this. But after clicking through some screens, she looked up and said, No discount for you. And I was stuck on the for you part. Because she had just checked, so there was something to check, which meant to me that there was a possibility, and she still said no. So that wasn't neutral. And that shifted the situation for me because I thought, okay, it's not just about principles anymore, it also feels personal. I could feel that moment so clearly. I was tired, I wanted to go to my room, and at the same time, I didn't like what was happening. That experience of weighing what is happening. Do I stay in this? Do I let it go? How much energy do I have? And how much do I care about this situation? Well, I cared. And that overrun my tiredness. Part of me didn't want to care. I was tired, and I really wanted to go back to my room. I wanted it to be easy. I even said a couple of times, let's just sort this out and let it go. To be honest, I don't even know exactly what I wanted to happen when I said that, but I wanted it to wrap up. I didn't want to have to fight. I could feel that option come up for me multiple times. But I also knew that if I did that, it wouldn't sit well with me after. I would think about it later and replay it, and I would feel like I let something slide that mattered to me. So even though I was tired, I cared more about that. Giving in without a fight was no longer an option. There was only one thing that would have made me leave without pushing. And the therapist was there the whole time. She was involved in the conversation. And I could tell that she wasn't regular staff. She didn't even know where the toilet was when I asked her earlier. So I wanted to make sure that she wasn't going to get blamed for something that wasn't hers. And as far as I could tell, she was very comfortable. She didn't seem concerned or worried at all. So I stayed in the situation and I was waiting to see if the receptionist would shift. Would she acknowledge that there was a problem? If she had apologized even briefly, I would have left it. But she didn't. And that was what made the decision very clear to me. If anything was going to change, I would have to be the one to push for it. I've been thinking a lot about not shrinking by default. And I could feel that come up for me in the moment. So I stayed with it. I told myself I would give it 15 minutes. You know, I like numbers. So whenever I'm stressed, I count and I give myself a boundary because it makes the situation feel contained. And once I decided that 15 minutes, I could stay fully present. But how she said no, I could clearly tell that it wasn't about what was possible. It was about what she was choosing. And I even felt like I was being punished for something that I didn't know I had done. So asking again for a discount was my way of pushing back on that instead of accepting it. And when I felt dismissed, I asked to speak to a manager. I was very aware of how I was showing up. I was thinking about how I might be read as a black woman, as an American, which is what most people assume when they see me or hear me speak English. I didn't want to fall into either of those stereotypes. But I was also thinking about fairness and about being treated equitably. So I didn't want to accept something that didn't make sense just to keep things comfortable. So I was choosing my words carefully. I was paying attention to my tone and trying to be clear without becoming aggressive. So when the manager came, I explained what had happened. And he asked me to sit and wait. And I said no. I told him that he could decide what he wanted to do and let me know. But I was going to go back to my room to rest. Because at that point, it wasn't only about the price, but it was about being acknowledged. I wanted to be clear that my treatment hadn't been done properly, that it wasn't my fault, that my time and my inconvenience mattered. And I was satisfied with how I handled the situation. And that's not always the case. There are times when I look back and I don't like how I handled something. Where I wish I'd said something or hadn't. Where I wish I'd stayed longer or given up quickly. So this isn't about getting it right every time. I said what I needed to say, I didn't make it personal or attack anybody. And even though I didn't enjoy being in that situation, I chose to do it, and I'm okay with that. Because letting something go has a cost. And you have to decide what's the greater cost, letting it go or staying in it. And there isn't always a clean answer. Sometimes you only realize what the cost was after. When you're thinking about it later. Or when you're feeling drained from staying in something too long. So it's not really about right or wrong. You're choosing between different costs. I've been thinking about this more broadly. It's not that I'm deciding from scratch every time. That would be exhausting. I've already decided certain things in advance about what matters to me, what I'm okay with and what I'm not. So in moments like this, I'm not starting from zero. I'm checking against the decisions I've already made. And there are times when I need to make new decisions. So for me, it comes to paying attention to the moment, noticing patterns, noticing what feels okay, what feels good and what doesn't, and then adjusting from there. And when you do it that way, it makes it a bit less exhausting. Yes, there is some learning that happens in the moment, but a lot of it happens from reflecting after. When I think back and ask myself, am I okay with how I handle that? What would I like to do differently next time? And over time, that starts to shape how I respond. So I'm not starting from zero every time. I'm learning cumulatively from each experience. What I'm starting to notice now is that I don't need every decision to feel perfect. But I do want to be aware that I'm choosing. Because that moment where something happens and you decide what it means and what you're going to do with it, it comes up more often than we think. And it doesn't only happen when we're traveling, it happens in our everyday lives, in conversations and relationships, in the small everyday interactions where something feels slightly off, and you decide what am I gonna do with it. So here's what I'd offer. The next time you're in a situation where something doesn't sit right, and you feel yourself deciding if you should say something or let it go, notice what you make it mean. And notice that you're deciding that in real time. Thanks for spending this time with me. If something in the episode resonated, choose a small action and try it in whatever way feels doable for you. And if you want the simplest place to start, you can join my school community to build a bit of momentum.