This is the 40+ Solo Travel Advantage

Solo travel as a 40-year-old looks different from solo travel at 25 in ways that have very little to do with the budget or the boutique hotel. By 40 you already know what you want clearly enough to design a trip around it, and the work at this stage is to stop overriding yourself when something cheaper or more convenient shows up. This week Damianne tells the story of walking out of a Sapa travel agency with the wrong tour booked until she caught herself hours later.

The 40+ solo travel advantage is clarity, and the work is to stop negotiating against yourself when you book.

In this episode:

• [00:00] The 40+ solo travel question
• [07:03] Booking and unbooking the wrong tour
• [14:21] What a private tour really gives
• [17:28] The question that changed
• [23:56] This week's invitation

This episode is for you if:

• you've talked yourself into the cheaper trip and then realised hours later it wasn't the one you wanted
• you're a woman over 40 who knows what you want but keeps overriding it for someone else's idea of a good deal
• you travel solo or want to, and you're still using rules you set at 25 about money, group tours, or eating on the go
• you keep optimising your solo trips for cost or group availability when what you actually want is fit

About Freedom Looks Like This:

Freedom Looks Like This is a podcast for women over 40 who want to travel solo, or who already do, and want to go deeper. Host Damianne President explores self-trust, decision-making, and what it actually takes to stop waiting and start moving. New episodes every Tuesday. For solo female travelers, midlife women, and anyone who suspects that the real barrier isn't logistics.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Solo travel as a 40-year-old is not the same as traveling as a 25-year-old. You're a different person, and so of course, your travel is too. It could be more expensive or more comfortable, but that's not what I'm talking about. What I mean is that the experience is completely different, and I'd say it's even better. If you've ever traveled alone and somewhere underneath the planning and the packing and the excitement, you're also wondering, am I doing this right? We're exploring that question today. This episode could change how you see your first or your next solo trip. Most women think solo travel is about being brave or fearless, but it's really about letting go of the expectations holding you in place. This show is about what changes when you stop waiting and take yourself seriously, starting with intentional travel. I'm Damianne and this is Freedom Looks Like This. Let's get started. Personally, I never want to backpack again. I want my suitcases. Yes, plural. I want a comfortable hotel, ideally boutique, somewhere I can walk out the front door and be in the middle of things. I want a gym and a sauna if they're there. And I want fresh fruit or a welcome drink on arrival. It's a bonus if there is a beautiful view. And I want something of the experience to stay with me so that I think about it for weeks to come. Sapa had all of that, wide open spaces, waterfalls I could visit at my own pace, delicious frozen coconut coffee and other affordable food. Fresh fruit waiting when I arrived and a view from my room that made me pause for a moment. Every time I looked out. But more than any of that, what I'm looking for on a trip is this. I want to be able to stop when I see buffalo ice cream or something else that piques my interest. Or notice a trio of monks walking ahead of me on a walk through the forest. Something in me wants to watch where they're going. And when I spot mangoes or lychee on the side of the road, I want to be able to stop and buy some. Have you ever had an experience like that where a small thing stopped you? Something you might have walked right past when you were twenty five. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm after. I travel with pleasure. I want to find a delight. For me it's not about a lot of excitement. I don't need to take the hot air balloon or go bungee jumping. But I do want nature and the surprise. And I want the kind of ease that comes when a day is going exactly right. Right for me. Now I know that's not everybody's cup of tea, and that's okay. We each can get to travel in our own unique way. There is a version of a trip that satisfies for everyone, that matches your budget and your desire for comfort, and that allows you to move through the world in a way that you feel comfortable with. The private tour I'll talk about in a minute is an example of what it looks like to travel in a way that suits you. It's not a rule that you have to follow. But the principle is that whatever budget you're traveling at, you can find a version of the trip that makes the day yours. That gives you the ability to decide what your day looks like. I know my version of the trip that excites me, that motivates me, that delights me. I know it clearly, so clearly that it's pretty easy for me to build a trip around it. And that's one of the things that changes, one of the opportunities that exist at this stage of life. When I was a 25-year-old, I wanted to see everything. I would take the overnight bus from one place to another so that I wouldn't miss the even the smallest thing. Now, I am okay picking one or two things. I'm okay taking an afternoon and sitting in a cafe and just people watching. Before that might have felt like a waste of time to me. And now it feels just perfect some days. When a day is going exactly right, it feels wide open to me. It feels like there is a space and an opportunity for me to wander. For me to take that extra stop, for me to skip something that doesn't interest me. For me to notice when I'm tired and take a break, take a rest. For me to have enough time to eat and have a meal that satisfies me. What might that look like for you? What are the conditions that make a day feel like yours? For me, there are so many little things that spark joy. It can be as simple as people watching and seeing somebody wearing a dramatic outfit. When I was in Busan a few months ago, I went to Tamxiang culture village and there were some ladies dressed in traditional dress. And that was just a little delightful thing for me to see. And all over the place there were quotes and images from the little prince. I hadn't done much research before I got there, so I had no idea that that was a thing in the village. I was able to just roam through the streets and see what I discovered as I walked along. I am no longer interested in the busy trips that are go go go nonstop where I am eating a protein bar in between seeing things. Sometimes a picnic is okay, but I do want it to be food that is enjoyable. I have to say that's the one thing that I would change if I had to do it all over again in my Sapa trip. Everything else was exactly what I wanted the weekend to be. I had four days in Vietnam and I knew that I would spend most of it in Sapa because I'd been to Hanoi before. When I was first trying to book a tour, I knew what I wanted. I wanted a private tour, about six hours, and I wanted to go see a waterfall or two and walk through some rice terraces. That was pretty clear to me. But when I booked my tour, the agency was offering a 12-hour group tour. And it was very affordable, it covered a lot of ground. And so at first I booked the group tour. But then I walked out of the agency and I realized that is not the tour that I wanted. I booked the tour despite knowing what I wanted. But for a little bit less money and more activities, I think it's very easy to get caught up in things like that. Maybe you have an expectation or a rule to optimize or to get the most out of your money. And there might have been a time when that rule was perfectly fine, when money was tighter, or when you were just figuring out what your preferences are. Or maybe you were still building skills of figuring out exactly what it is that you want. Those rules made sense at a time. But the question is, have you updated them to match the person that you are right now? The money one was a big deal for me. I do have to budget when I travel, but I don't need to take the public bus at nighttime to go from the airport in a completely new city. I don't need to be carrying two suitcases up and downstairs to save $20. Of course, the choices I make depend on my budget, depend on where I am, depend on the kind of trip that I'm having. But now I know that I treasure experiences. And so I will spend the money for that experience that I've been dreaming about. I remember a few years back when I went to Sweden. I wanted to go see the Northern Lights. And on my last night, there was a good chance that I would be able to see the Northern Lights. But I would need to take a taxi back to the hotel and it would probably be more than 80 euros. 80 euros was a lot of money for me at that time, but I was on a tight budget for that trip. But when I thought about it, I was like, I have spent so much money to be here. And I came because I want to see Northern Lights. Am I really not gonna spend the 80 bucks to be able to have this chance to see them? And once I framed it in that way, by reminding myself why I was there and what I wanted from the experience, it was a very easy decision for me to make. So sometimes it's really helpful to just pause and think, to notice what is going on for you, and to realize when you're falling into old patterns that no longer make sense for the person that you are right now, for your current circumstances and your current context. What's the rule that is holding you back or that you're still traveling with that belongs to an older version of you? You don't have to fix it right now, but I do want you to name it. I didn't need to save $20 by going on a 12-hour tour with a large bus in Sapa. I could spend the extra money and have exactly the adventure, exactly the experience that I wanted. So I went to the waterfalls and I walked through the rice fields. I spent the six hours at my pace, not twelve hours at a group's pace, with no room for me to define what my experience was going to be like. The six hours that I spent was exactly the time frame that I wanted. As I got to the end of the six hours actually, I thought, this is good. I'm ready to go back to my hotel now, which was further validation for me that I made the right choice. Every single time it comes back to the same thing. The more clearly I know what I want, the more I can design an experience around it. And so when I got to Luang Prabang, I spent time just walking around, bought a sun hat, picked up a local sim card. It was a workday for me, so I went to one cafe and worked, and when it got busy, I moved to a second cafe. When you're traveling and working, there is a different rhythm that comes up. But then when I had time to pause and think about the next day, which was a Saturday, I was able to tune in to what I wanted. And I realized that I did not want a long day. I also did not want a group tour. And so I booked a private tour for the next day. This time, when I had an opportunity to book a group tour that was going to be cheaper. I'd learned my lesson very recently, and so I stuck to the private tour that I wanted. One of the best things I did actually was stop for buffalo ice cream somewhere along the way. I was also tempted to stop for coffee at some point because I'd read about it, but when we stopped, I realized that it was just a very touristy area. And so I decided to give it a miss. The interesting thing that I want to point out here is that because I had already done quite a bit of group tours earlier in the trip, I was ready for something different. And I needed to pay attention to notice that this is what I needed, that this is what I wanted for the rest of the trip. I think that's something a lot of us can relate to. That feeling partway through an experience where something shifts and you realize the pace or the shape of it needs to change. Have you ever noticed that? The point where you know you need something different, and the question is just whether you listen to yourself. Knowing yourself, it is usually available to you. The answer is usually already there, but you do have to create conditions for it to surface. And I find that on a solo trip, more than almost anywhere else, you have the conditions for you to be able to hear yourself. You're away from the usual noise, you're making your own calls all day. And when you stop, when you pause, really pause and tune in. That means thinking about what is it that you want, what is it that you want next, you can really hear yourself. I'm using the example of booking private tours, not because I think that we all have to take private tours when we travel as women over 40. I mentioned that I also took some group tours, for example, in Cambodia. The reality is that when we talk about the different ways of travel, it's not just about the group tour or the private tour. A private tour doesn't have to mean luxury. A group tour doesn't have to mean budget. I had that misunderstanding before where I thought, oh, only rich people can take private tours. Now I know that that is not true. A private tour isn't just about comfort, it's about having more space for you to chart your own course, for you to define how your day is going to go. It's being able to stop when something that interests you draws your attention. It's arriving somewhere that was on the plan and realizing, I don't really want to go in, or I don't really want to stop here today. And it's also making space to notice. I have had enough. I have gotten what I came for, and it's time for us to move on to the next spot or even wrap up the day entirely. When you're on a group tour, the tour decides. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Some days that's exactly what I want. To give my nervous system a break. And other times it's all about the private tour. When you're on a private tour, you decide. And depending on which of these you choose, the quality of the day changes. It's the same reason that I pre-book my taxis when I'm arriving late at night, especially in the new location. I know that I can figure things out on the ground, but I'd rather use my arrival energy to look out the window and take in the city, not to negotiate the fare after a long travel day. By handling the logistics beforehand, I free up my attention for things that I actually want to be paying attention to in the moment. A good guide also helps. I like a guide who has some local stories, who can find the right balance between allowing my curiosity and sharing their knowledge proactively. I don't want one that recites a script. And I also don't want one that stays completely silent. I've had both of those, and so I have a pretty good idea. And so now I know which one I prefer. I generally prefer someone who's going to read my energy and who is going to be responsive to it. That's a private tour experience if you can find the right person. For a long time, the question I carried on a trip was: can I handle this? Can I manage the arrival? Navigate the transportation? Can I handle the language or being alone? And guess what? After over 45 solo trips, I know that the answer is always yes. But the question sat in front of many, many trips. And it took something from me each time. It took energy. It stressed my nervous system. But by now, I have built enough of a muscle that I know that I can handle things that come up. And so the question isn't even, can I handle this anymore? So what changed? I think it's simpler than it sounds. I've spent enough time being by myself that I know what I like. There is actually research that backs this up. Studies on self-concept clarity, which is essentially how well and how consistently you know yourself, show that it increases measurably through midlife. You are genuinely better at knowing who you are and what you want at 40 than you were at 25. I don't think that's really much of a surprise, right? It's not wishful thinking, it's actually documented. Once I really let myself believe that, that I actually do know myself, that the clarity is real and not arrogant, the question changed. Because if I already know what I want, then the only useful question is, what do I want here on this trip in this moment? So I want to ask you the same thing, not rhetorically, but actually, what do you want here right now? If you trusted what you already know about yourself, what would the adventure, what would the trip look like for you? That has been such a big difference in the way it has allowed me to travel. I really believe that the question, can I handle this, is a question that you can only answer by going on the trip. What do I actually want here is a question that you can answer in any moment, in every moment. I could answer that question sitting in a cafe in Saba on a Friday afternoon. I can answer it walking around Prague with a few hours alone. What I want, I know now with some clarity. I want ease. I want to find the delight. I am enjoying nature and savoring surprise. I want a guy that can read me and to be able to stop and take a photo when I see a group of monks. After Sappa, I stopped for one night in Hanoi, and of course, that was a completely different experience. It's a dense city full of energy, completely different, but I also wanted that. I wanted that experience for one night of just absorbing the energy. Doing some of the touristy things, like visiting the train road. And I knew that one night would be enough for me. The three nights in Sapa and the one night in Hanoi was actually the perfect contrast for this trip. Both of them were right for what I wanted, and both of them were mine. When's the last time that you could say that about a day in your life that it was actually completely yours? So when I plan a trip now, I do like to plan where I'm staying and get a lot of the logistics in order, but I don't have to manage every second the way that I used to before. It's important to me to leave enough space for the magic. For me to find the magic or for the magic to find me on the trip. When a trip goes right, really right the way Saba felt for me, I come home with a sense of possibility, of openness. I have this desire and this curiosity and this. This real thirst for life, knowing that there is so much pleasure to be had however I want to find it. That's what I'm traveling for. Before I used to travel for a list of places, and okay, I still have a list of countries that I've been to and some of the cities. But even more than I care about the passport stamps, I care about the feeling that I'm getting, that particular aliveness. What I know now that I didn't know clearly before is what it takes to come home with that feeling, the conditions I need to create. I know now that it requires ease and nature and surprise. I know that it requires owning the day. The right to stop for some mangoes. The opportunity to change the tour, to be able to stay somewhere beautiful and to not have to apologize for any of it. You know what delights you. You've been figuring this out for decades. The advantage of being a woman over 40 isn't the budget or the confidence as a concept. The budget helps if you want to take a fancy trip. But the whole point is that you've had enough time, or you've had lots of years for you to develop some clarity. Maybe you haven't really tuned into it yet, but I am certain that this clarity is within you, waiting for you to listen, waiting for you to pay attention. And you have earned the right to build every trip around it. If you've enjoyed listening to this episode, please leave me a review wherever you're listening to the podcast. It's a great way of letting me know that you're a listener and helping other people find the show. My invitation for you this week is for you to write down what are the things that actually delight you. It doesn't have to be travel specific if you're new to solo travel. But if you have taken some trips, then think about what delights you when you travel. And I don't mean the itinerary or the bucket list, but the conditions. What are the things that delight you when you have a few hours alone? Is it the ease? Is it nature? Is it listening to the birds or seeing beautiful flowers? Is it having a passionate guide who loves talking about the architecture of their local city? Is it a room with a view? Write those down, the specific things that delight you. That's what you can use to design a solo travel experience that suits what you want and that suits your life. Everything else is negotiable. I'm running a workshop for women who have already decided they want to take a solo trip and who want to figure out how to design the trip that they actually want. We're not talking about the trip that looks responsible from the outside, but really about the one that brings you back home with this sense of possibility, of openness. If that's a conversation you're ready to have, go to freedomlookslike this.com forward slash training, and the link is also in the show notes. Thanks for spending this time with me today. And don't forget, if something in this episode resonated, choose one small action this week and take it in whatever way feels doable for you. And if you want the simplest way to start, you can join my school community. The link is in the show notes.