Welcome to Raising Hustle, the unfiltered podcast for the moms who are building empires with babies on their hips and grits in their hearts. I'm your host, Mariel Fry, bookkeeper by trade, hustler by nature, and mama by choice. Around here we're raising kids, raising hell, and raising the bar. If you're tired of choosing between nap time and next level dreams, this is your space. Let's redefine what it means to have it all on our own damn terms.
SPEAKER_01Hey hustlers and mamas, welcome back to Raising Hustle. I'm really excited to talk about control because we control what we can, release what we can't. We're going to reclaim our energy in motherhood and business. Because there is so much in life that feels out of our control. Your child's personality, the economy, the news, other people's moods, client decisions, timelines, outcomes. And if you're an ambitious woman, especially as a mother, the instinct to control and be type A, everything can feel protective, responsible, necessary. But here's the truth: trying to control what isn't yours is exhausting. Because in this episode, we're talking about the difference between influence and control and how reclaiming your energy starts with narrowing your focus. Because peace doesn't come from managing everything, it comes from knowing what actually yours is to carry. Number one, why we try to control everything. So as a mom, I think you just want to be in power. Don't we all, don't we all want to be empowered in control of something? And control can be a mechanism. We we like control. I think you unfortunately, I think of like men who are abusive. They like the control, they like the manipulation, they like the power. But that's not always great. It's not always great to be in that kind of control. Anxiety is also disguised as productivity. And I know I'm a very anxious person, and I'm always like, oh, I gotta do this, I gotta do that. And I gotta make myself productive until I'm exhausted. And that's awful too. I hate that. Motherhood amplifies protective instincts. I think as a mom, I'm very protective of my son. And I'm very protective, especially of dogs. I feel I'm very nervous. I've had instances where I love my dog, but there's times where I'm overstimulated by her. And she has growled at him. He's touched her a little too much, like on the ears or whatever, and it bother her. And she growled and got upset, which look she has every right to. But now I'm very protective as a mom to be in control and say, well, I don't want to go to someone's house if they have a crazy dog. And I don't care. I don't care what boundaries I have to put. I don't care what protectiveness I have to put. There are certain things I want to be in control of because I don't want a situation to arise that we could have been in control of. Business ownership increases responsibility too. I think when you're a business owner, it's very different than working for someone. When you work for someone, you're kind of responsible for the tasks that you have at hand. When you're a business owner, you're like responsible for everything and everyone. And that's really intimidating. So you always want to feel like you have some kind of control. Otherwise, you're gonna feel like you're gonna screw up and mess up, and that's awful. Whereas at the end of the day, fear of failure or regret is miserable. And I think that's why we truly try to control so much. Because control can feel like a lot of safety, like we're trying to build a safety net, but then it can become self-sabotage too. So you really have to be careful of that fine line of what does that look like? What does that look like for you with control? I know for me, I like I said, try to control what I can, but sometimes I can't. And it's hard when, especially you're a type A control person. It's easier said than done. Number two, the difference between control, influence, and concern. So let's bring up some simple definitions here. Control is your actions, your boundaries, and your effort, but influence is conversations, leadership, and environment. And concern is other people's reactions, outcomes, and timing. Because where does most of our energy leak from? When we think of control, we think of the actions that we are bringing in and the boundaries we have. We feel the influence of having conversations or even this podcast talking about it, or concern of other people's reactions or their outcomes. Because sometimes we mislabel concern as responsibility. We're concerned about other people's reactions, but we're not responsible for them. We're not responsible for other people's decisions. We're not responsible for their actions and what they do. I think we have to think about our circles. We have to think about what this looks like. And we have to redirect effort going inward a bit. We have to think about why are we in control of this situation or why do we want to be in control of that situation? And does it really matter in certain situations? Do we have to think of like how do we have to think about this? And I think when we think of influence, right, we think of going to like conferences or we hear people speak. And to me, someone could influence me. It doesn't mean they have control over me, but they can influence a decision that I make because maybe they said something that I was really wowed by. Who knows? And when we think about concern, we're concerned about what an outcome could be that we don't have control over, or we're concerned about other people's reactions that we don't really have control over either. We don't have control about how somebody feels, unfortunately. We'd love to, but unfortunately, that's not the case. So that's just a simple way to think about those things. Number three, motherhood and the illusion of outcome control. So this is interesting for moms. We can control the environment, but not the personality. And so, what do I mean by that? We can control the house, we can control the toys, we can control the food, but we don't know what our child's personality is going to end up as or what it's going to look like, whether they're exhausted and need a nap, or whether they're hungry, or they just want to be happy, or then they go into a tantrum. That's something out of our control. And we can do the best we can to control them or put a process in, but we can't control the behavior. We can only control what the environment looks like. I think a lot of it has to do with modeling the behavior versus forcing results. We can't force our kid to eat something. We can't force our kid to try something or do something. But if we try it, right, and we do it, we're modeling that behavior, which means we want hopefully them to see that behavior and maybe model it themselves too. I really believe actions speak louder than words. And when we do something, they see that, right? And then they want to do it. I think it's one of the best ways to almost feel like you're in control, but you're not, which is kind of cool. Because letting kids experience natural consequences, I think we have to be in control of certain things. If a child is not making a good decision, we need to be in control of that and say that's not good. And we need to help control them and help them make better decisions. Because I think we need to release the pressure to shape everything to be perfect. I think we are becoming helicopter parents. And I don't want that to be my case. Look, you have to watch your kid. I'm not saying that. You have to be careful and that them not getting in certain things. But I think we have to let our kids kind of be kids and let them be independent a little bit and create environments that allow them that space where they can roam and be free as they come. I think there is something quite beautiful about that because we have to manage our nervous system first. We have to feel good about decisions we make and control that we give, because otherwise we're gonna feel like shit. You're responsible really for guidance, not guarantees as a parent. I'm responsible to guide my children in the right direction. I'm responsible to show them the way and model behavior. But I can't that there's no guarantee they're gonna turn out to be these like superstars, or there's no guarantee how they're gonna end up. All you can do is just guide them and be a good influence. And that's really all you can do. Number four, business. Control the inputs, not revenue. So shifting gears into entrepreneurship, I can't control when a client signs with me. Like I can have the discovery call, I can have the pitch, I can have these amazing conversations. I explain to them my expectations, the process, the whole nine. And I send the and I say, yes, I want to work with you. And I send the contract, and then it's freaking crickets. I can't control when they're gonna sign. I can control the whole process up until that point. But until they sign, I cannot control anything. And that could be really hard when you just want to get shit done. And it is following up every couple days, right? To get them to sign. And I have been able to follow up and get people to sign, but I don't have control over that. I have control over my process. I have control over following up, I have control over everything else. But the client has to sign. And that's really out of my control. And I can't control that process as much as we all wish we can control a client to just sign immediately. It's not always the case. You can control marketing consistency. So I used to control going out networking all the time. I knew what events I wanted to go to, I knew who I wanted to meet up with, did all of it. Now I'm doing networking very differently, where I am marketing specifically with SEO and currently LinkedIn Legion. And so I am controlling that narrative. I'm controlling that conversation. I am controlling that entire process. I can't control the economy. I can't control if my clients have to shut their business down due to the economy. I can't control if a client is going to sell their business due to the economy. I can't control the economy for shit. Nobody can. And so with that, it's hard when I gain, gang, gang clients, then I lose clients too. And a lot of times it has nothing to do with my service or what I do. It's just they can't afford me. They're closing shop, they're shifting, something happens. So I can't control that at all. What I can control is my systems and my margins. I can control the pricing. And I can control my systems for my team of what they use, what software, things of that nature. And that feels really good to have that control. And reviewing numbers monthly instead of emotionally. From my side as a bookkeeper, especially, I think this is so important because you have to look at your numbers from a very analytical approach. It's hard when there's emotion in your business and you're personally very involved. But at the end of the day, you also have to look at it and make clearer decisions in your business. And it's hard to run a business. It's hard to think clear. It's hard to be in control. But the only way you could survive, if you want better numbers, or if you want just more money, or you want to cut costs, it is how do I make more money or where do I cut my cost? And for big businesses, that's hard. Usually it's letting people go as a huge cost. Payroll is a big cost. Insurance is a big cost. There's certain things in a business that cost a lot of money for them. And so when you review your numbers from a very analytical approach, you're able to kind of see big picture. And that's what I love about bookkeeping, is I look at things very granular, very detailed. So then when a client looks at something big picture, they're able to work with someone and make those decisions. Because revenue is influenced by consistency, not controlled by force. When you look at revenue, depending on how you make money, whether it's projects or retainer or subscription or whatever it is, it is what it is sometimes. You can market and you can get people excited to sign up or work with you, but you can only control as much as you can control. So just be mindful of that. Number five, time schedules and expectations. Woof. So yes, yes, yes, with control. Protecting calendar boundaries. This is important. I really try not to work Mondays and Fridays. It's hard in my business, especially busy season as I record, but I want to be present with my kids and I want to be there for them. And I have to have my calendar very clear and broken out and blocked so I can have those boundaries in place. I can't control interruptions. I can't control if my kid is sick. I can't control if I'm getting another phone call sometimes. I can't control if something is going off. I can't control that. But I can control structure. I can control what my calendar can look like. I can control what my schedule looks like. I can control the way my house is to a certain point. Or at least I try to, right? Flexibility without chaos. I think you have to be open-minded if you want to be a mother and an entrepreneur. This is not an easy thing to balance, quote unquote, or do. But you need to have flexibility and know that life's going to shift and change very quickly. But you have to be okay with not being okay some days. You have to be okay knowing like you can have a full day of meetings and your kids sick and you gotta say, I'm good, I can't do this. And most importantly, you have to say no without guilt. I think time is currency. And it's okay to say no. I talk about this in an episode where, depending when it comes out, the idea of maybe, I don't like maybe, it's really yes or no. But you shouldn't feel guilty saying no if it doesn't align with your schedule and if it doesn't align with your life. No isn't a bad thing. And no also means you're in control. So I love that personally. Number six, relationships and other people's emotions. Oohsa. As a mom and business owner, yes, with control. Because you cannot control how others interpret you. There's been many times I've said things to people, and I said it one way, but it was interpreted another. I thought I said it one way in a polite way, and maybe they interpreted I was totally rude. Shit happens. I'm not gonna be perfect with that. But I tried to control what I could, and I can't help how other people interpret a text. I can't help how people interpret what I'm saying or what I'm feeling. I can't control that, and I have to let that go. And I need you to let that go too. You can't control extended family dynamics. That's very true. I have personally pulled myself away from a lot of it, and I feel a lot better. I think at the end of the day, you can't control people and especially family. I think you just have to control what you can, have plans as backup, and just do the best you can. I think with every family, we all have quirks and weird things. I've heard it from so many friends. But you can't control that. And it's hard when you want to be in control, but at the end of the day, you just hopefully have to trust a little bit, but also have backup plans to control what you can so you can feel a little bit better. Because you can control your boundaries. I can control my backup plans, I can control my boundaries, I can control my life. And you can control yours too, the best that you can. It's not gonna be perfect, but I promise you could do the best you can. Because you can also control your tone and integrity. I'm always gonna protect that. I'm always gonna be in control of that. And I'm not gonna feel bad about it for one fucking second at all. I'm going to control my self-respect for myself. And what I've also decided that if it's not yours to fix, it's not yours to carry. I think I release the need to be understood by everyone as well. Truthfully, I'm not trying to fix everything. I'm not trying to be in control of every situation. I've just learned to let it go a little bit more. But I'm also releasing that not everyone's gonna understand me. Not everyone's gonna understand my anxiety, not everyone's gonna understand why I feel the way I feel. As long as I'm protective and I am very clear on why, if they don't want to understand that, then that's the kind of their problem, not mine. I'm very clear on what I want, and I'm not gonna back away and I'm not gonna change my mind. But it'll take a lot for me to do that. But I'm not trying to be understood by everyone. I'm not even trying to be liked by everyone. I'm just trying to set the expectations and the boundaries and do what I can to be in control of whatever I can be. Number seven, social media comparison and perception. So I think in the social media world, when we post, right, we want to control the narrative of our life. And I think we do a really good job of that. I even like watch all these documentaries about like the paparazzi back in the day. And the reality is that celebrities didn't really have a place to like talk or say anything. They just had to deal with like these crazy pictures or stories about them and they couldn't really rebut or rebuke. Nowadays, celebrities actually have a voice on social media, which I find very interesting that they can talk and have their opinion, right? And they can say how they want to feel and they have control of the narrative a little bit. And even as a person, right, as a normal human like myself and many of you listening to this, we have control of how we want to be perceived online, in person, and anything in between. We have control of what we post, we have control of what we want to say, we have control of what how things want to look. And that's okay. We can curate it, live it. When we curate, we're showing kind of a faker side to a point. We're living it. We don't have to post about it, but we're living it day to day. I think my husband always says comparison is the thief of joy. I agree. I think when we compare, we're not doing any good for us. We're actually doing a massive disservice. We don't want to, we shouldn't have to compare. We shouldn't have to look at somebody else's life and think, oh gosh, their life is so much better than mine and they have this, that, whatever. Like you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. So don't think it's better. I know for me, one thing I love being in control of is my quiet life and intentional life. Yes, I'm loud and vocal on raising hustle. I have a business, I have other things, but there's certain things in my personal life that I don't need to share with the world. Like, I'm not one of those people where I get into a fight with my boyfriend and I like post about it. Like, I don't do that shit. I think it's crazy people have the time for it. Like, I certainly don't, being a business owner and a mother and a wife and everything else. But I see people who like get in relationships and have to post all this stuff about it. And I'm like, God, like that's crazy. I'm not loud like that. And nor do I want to be. I like being quiet and intentional. I like to have a private life personally, because I don't want to have this performative pressure on myself. Sure, in my business, it's different. It's very different. When you post for business or you post promoting something for your business, wildly different. You are trying to promote a service, you are trying to win clients, you are trying to book business, you're trying to make money at the end of the day. But when it comes to your personal life and what you want to control the narrative, control the narrative and do it in a way that feels right to you. Now I'm not saying you need to live a quiet, intentional life. If you want to share your family and your kids and all the things, like go for your bad self. I just know for me, I like the control of not having so many people know my life. And if you want to know my life, you could text me, you can call me, you could reach out. Like, that's how I know you really care. Period, case closed. Number eight, practical tools to reclaim energy. So daily, what's actually mine? Like, what am I in control of today? What can I dictate today? What can I stake my ground as? And maybe it is writing two columns, control and release. Something probably I need to do myself. What can I control and what can I let go of? And this is not going to be human or perfect. This will just be the best that you can. Because our nervous system reset before reacting. I think for women especially, our nervous system affects so many things. And I know one of them for me is my anxiety and control. And so I need to kind of pause, breathe, reset before I react. Am I gonna be perfect with this? No, neither will you. But if we continue to think about like pause, like power and pause and react, we can control how we want to talk about something. And I even say this with shopping, actually. I know this is very random to think about this, but think of it like shopping. And again, unless it's like an insane sale that you like need to buy, but a lot of times, like we may see something we want, whether it's like that Gucci bag or we want that beautiful dress from anthropology. Think about it for 24 hours, 48 hours, and see if you're really thinking about it. Because there's been times there's stuff I've wanted and I don't think about. And there's times I think about something and I like have to have it. So really think about that pause before reaction. And I know I'm comparing it to shopping, but maybe that will help you think about a real example. Weekly CEO review for business clarity. I do a lot of pumpkin planning with my mentor. I really write pen to paper a lot of my goals and visions and dreams down. That has helped me a lot to focus my energy, reclaim my energy, and to hold accountability. It's put me on control of my life and my mindset, and it's been the best thing I've ever done. And so I encourage you to find ways to be accountable and to find ways to write things down that you have true control over. Make this actionable, make this realistic. This has helped me a lot, especially pumpkin planning and accountability and goals. Massive for me. Really has helped. And last but not least, what happens when you narrow your focus? So when we narrow our focus to have certain control over certain things, I know I'm calmer. I know I'm calm when I focus on what I can control versus what I can't. And look, I'm not perfect. There's times where things I can't control and I spiral and I get anxious. And shit's gonna happen. It's always gonna be that way. But generally speaking, if I have more control, I'm more calm. And I narrow that focus down to that. Because I can also make better decisions, period. I can make decisions and being a mom and a business owner, better profit margins. When we have control and clarity over our business and we know what's working and what's not, we can then make better financial decisions, less resentment. Because when you're in control slash you know what's not in control, you can then let go of that resentment and feel okay. And then most importantly, being more present with your kids. I can control when I see them, when I don't see them. I can control when I'm babysitting and when I don't. But I want to be in control of spending as much time as I can with them and doing what I can to give them the best childhood. Because let's be real, you cannot control other people's emotions, the economy, your child's entire future, timing, or outcomes. But here's what you can control: your effort, your boundaries, your systems, your spending, your reactions, and your standards. And when you narrow your focus to what's actually yours, everything feels so much lighter. Control what you can, release what you can't, protect your energy like it's an asset, because guess what it is? Motherhood doesn't require perfection, and business doesn't require force. Peace comes from clarity, and clarity is so powerful.
SPEAKER_00Thanks so much for listening. This is just the beginning. Subscribe now to Raising Hustle and get ready for raw stories, real talk, and unapologetic ambition. We're showing up messy, loud, and all in because success doesn't wait for quiet. Let's raise our voices, our businesses, and our babies together.