#013 Where Are You Out Of Integrity With Yourself?

What if the reason your business isn't growing, your confidence is crumbling, and nothing feels good .... has nothing to do with your strategy?

In this episode, I'm getting real about the thing nobody wants to talk about: the small, quiet, daily ways we break promises to ourselves, and what that's actually costing us.

Not the big dramatic betrayals. The little ones. The alarm you didn't get up for. The content you said you'd post. The workout you skipped. The thing you've been putting off for three weeks. These aren't small. These are the votes you're casting for or against the person you said you wanted to become.

I'm bringing the neuroscience, the tough love, and my own personal experience of performing success while privately being completely out of integrity with myself and what happened to my bank account because of it.

This episode is not here to make you feel good about where you are. It's here to wake you up.

Notable quote: "The life you have right now is the sum of the votes you've been casting for yourself (or against yourself) in the small private moments when nobody is watching."

Transcript

0:00

Okay. I want to ask you something, and I want you to be completely honest with yourself in this moment when you answer it, when was the last time that you told yourself you were going to do something and you didn't do it? Mm-hmm. Maybe you wanted to set your alarm for like 5:00 AM 6:00 AM to do whatever, and you hit snooze yet again. Maybe you said you were going to make that real or post that piece of content today. Record the video, record the ad, and you didn't, maybe you told yourself that this was the week that you were gonna start eating better. You, you're gonna start working out, you're gonna record whatever it is, that video. You're gonna make the call, you're gonna start the new thing. and the week came and it went, and you've got nothing to show for it now. And maybe as I'm asking you this, you're running through a list of reasons in your head of why you didn't do the thing to justify you not doing the thing. You were tired, it was a hard week. You'll start Monday, life got in the way, whatever it is. They're just excuses, and I hear you and I love you, but I'm not gonna let you do that to yourself, and I'm not gonna let you off the hook today. so I'm fired up about this. I listened to a podcast this morning where it like. Re-lit something in me because I'm a little bit, you know, I'm a little bit woo woo, little bit on the science side, but I'm also like over here, this complete fucking savage, and that's why I've gotten to where I'm at. And I don't want to coddle you to let you think that your excuses are okay for you to continue. Okay? I am fired up about this. You deserve more. Every single one of those broken promises are destroying you slowly and quietly. From the inside out and that's what we're gonna talk about today. Okay? Welcome back to Call Her Coach. This is the first video episode. Um, so if you're listening and you're on Apple Podcast, Spotify, whatever, um, there is a video to this on YouTube, so yay fun. Some of these videos I will be doing, um, video, some I won't, just depends on my mood for the day to be quite honest with you. But let me know, um, if you like the videos, maybe I'll keep doing more of them. We'll see.

Speaker 2:33

Welcome to the Call Her Coach podcast. I'm your host, Steph Willis, neuro operational coach and creator of becoming her the neuro identity calibration system behind high-end Regulation for female entrepreneurs. This. Podcast is for high functioning type A women who are done with surface level mindset hacks and ready to understand the science behind success and wealth. Here we blend nervous system science, wealth psychology and tactical, no bullshit business strategy so that you can rewire your identity, expand your capacity, scale your business, and increase your income if you are ready to regulate, recalibrate, and become the most wealthy version of yourself. Let's dive in.

3:22

So I want to. Talk about today. Integrity. Integrity with oneself. And I wanna reframe that word of integrity for you because I think that most of us hear it and we think about honesty and not lying to other people, not manipulating people, being ethical and business and life and relationships and all these things. And as I'm sitting here, I did a deep dive a few months ago with a coach who helped me really understand. My top 10, but more specifically my top five values in life and business and how to make sure that I'm operating in those values because when I'm not operating in those values, then everything else over here just starts to kind like crumble. Okay, so my number one value in life and business is integrity. Number two is love. Number three is freedom. Number four is safety. Number five is honesty. If I am not operating. Out of integrity with those five key things. And yes, integrity is one of my top values. It's my number one. I will not feel like it will make me physically sick. My cortisol will spike. My fight or flight is there. I will feel out of congruence with who I am as a human being. And I don't operate well in life. I don't work very well in life when I'm out of alignment with these things. I was reading something the other day about integrity, and it's just so funny how synchronicity happens in our life. There's been a lot of things that I've been seeing and reading on integrity, and the one thing that I read the other day, it was about where the. Root of the word comes from, and it comes from the word integer, which means a whole number. Just like you learned in math class, right? So think about that. Integrity at its most literal sense is wholeness. It's structural alignment. Think about a bridge or a building. When an engineer says it has structural integrity, they mean that every single part. Is doing what it's designed to do. Nothing is cracked. Nothing is compensating for something else. It is whole. It is structurally sound. Now think about that. Are you whole or are there cracks? Because I'll tell you right now what a crack looks like in a human being. Okay? It looks like you saying you're gonna do something and then not doing it. It looks like what you need to do and what you're choosing to do are two totally separate things. It looks like the gap between who you are, who you're performing to be are two totally different human beings, and that crack is where you start to lose trust in yourself. And I tell you this, not from a place of judgment, but because. There have been times, and as a human being, this is gonna happen to you more times than you would like, where you're gonna be out of integrity with yourself. But the key to getting back in integrity is understanding first that you're out of integrity is just like, you know, in aa, they're like, um, the first step or the first whatever, road to recovery is acknowledging it. So you have to go in there and you have to say, hi, my name is. And I'm an alcoholic, right? So when you're out of integrity, hi, my name is, and this was out of integrity for me. There was a season in my life where I was putting on this face and I was showing up. I was doing the things online. I've been in the online space. Now, you guys know, for over a decade at this point, I was talking about success and having the mindset and building the life that you, you know, you want. While privately I was not doing the things that I knew that I needed to be doing. I was out of integrity with the words that I was saying and the actions that I was doing. I wasn't working out like I said I was going to do to myself. So it's not that I was out there like lying about these things, My parents actually say this, and so maybe this is ingrained somewhere in my subconscious. Maybe I need to explore that with my trauma coach. Um, but my parents always said, do as we say and not do as we do. That doesn't make sense, right? Like if you wanna be a great leader, you have to be the example. So I was telling myself all these stories about why it was okay and why I deserved a break, and why it could go easy, because I've done all this work to deserve this and no, it's fucking bullshit to be quite honest with you, and you wanna know what happened. My bank account reflected it. It stopped growing. My energy reflected it, my confidence reflected it when you were out of integrity with yourself, when there's a crack between what you say and what you do. You can feel it deep down there is a place inside of you that feels a little shameful, and that shame will ruin your life if you let it, if you don't get a handle on it. Shame does not build a business. Shame does not build body shame does not build anything. What builds things is radical, boring, unsexy, hard work. And you guys know that I nerd out about brain things and brain science and neuroscience and all these things, so it wouldn't be a complete call her coach episode if we didn't talk a little bit about what's going on in your brain when you break promises to yourself on a neurological level and. Really understanding this, I think there's so much power in understanding your biology of your body, your internal operating system, because then you can just go and upload a new operating system. You are a computer at the end of the day, so the things that are happening inside of your brain when you break promises to yourself every single time you are. Rewiring a different neural pathway. Every time you set an intention, you don't follow through with it. Your brain is gonna file that as evidence. It's going to build a new neural connection, a very, very, very well worn road of saying, I will, and then I won't. So there's a saying out there, and I forget what the technical definition of this is, but there's science behind it. Neurons that fire together, wire together. So when you set an alarm for 5:00 AM tomorrow morning, your brain is not neutral about that. If you have been breaking promises to yourself and you're out of integrity in your life, business, whatever, It's gonna run a pattern recognition on every single time that you have done this before, and it's gonna predict that you're gonna hit the snooze button before you ever even fall asleep. It knows what you're gonna do because you have. Programmed this type of behavior into your subconscious and your subconscious runs 95% of the show. You're not lazy. So I don't want you to sit here and shame yourself and blame yourself and call yourself lazy. Understanding this is going to help you, but it's also gonna take action. You are wired for the patterns that you have been practicing. So how do you do this? How you do one thing is how you do everything. There's science to back up that statement. It's not just this woo woo willy frilly statement that people say. There's actual science behind that. If your nervous system is wired to not trust you in the small, tiny, little things in your life, the workout, the content, the early mornings, the hard conversations, how do you think it's going to be able to fully commit to a bigger vision? To trust yourself for that. Hello, somebody. You will self-sabotage at the exact moment. Every single time a breakthrough is so close to happening for you because it's a pattern. Your nervous system doesn't believe that you're someone who's gonna follow through on that. So it's gonna act in congruence with who you've been and no amount of strategy, no amount of coaching, no amount of masterminds or courses or podcast episodes or books. We'll fix that. And that is what is so wrong with people today. We are in this mode of consuming and consuming, and consuming and consuming, and I love me a good book as much as the next person. I wouldn't be the person I am today without reading so many books. I can go in my other room over there in my other office that has all my books in it, and I can see the person I was prior to that book. But the only reason that book, or the podcast, or the mentor, the mastermind, whatever it is, transformed me, is because I was willing to accept and act in congruence with that new identity. I didn't just consume it and then think it was gonna magically happening. Fuck no. Absolutely. Fucking not. That's not how this works. And I think that in today's society. There's so much marketing around speaking to the victim. There's so much marketing because that is the majority of people out there. We have gotten so fucking soft of like, we need to have balance in these things. And I'm gonna sit here and I'm gonna tell you right now that if you are building a business, you have got to get wildly obsessed with it. Obsessed. I didn't get to where I am now by having balance the next phase of my life, the next sprint that I'll be doing, there won't be fucking balance. Maybe right now I have some balance, but there won't be balance for this next level that I wanna reach. And I think it's such bullshit that people out there are preaching this on social media. Like you have to just go with the flow. And here again, I am in full support of the woo woo, but there's also a little bit of savage in me. If you guys know who David Goggins is, like I got a little David Goggins in me. I got a little little bit of that. I got some woo woo, but I got some David Goggins, and so today you're getting the savage version of me because it's so important to have realistic expectations in this life. I listened to an episode of Real Af with Andy Fra, I think that's how you say his last name, if it's not my apologies. Um, but I listened to that this morning. I shared it with my team and he said a few things in there that has been sitting with me all day. And if you wanna know what that episode was, it is episode 1001, Q and a F. Comparing yourself to others, fear delegation, and preventing Self Sabotage. I'm gonna read you a couple things from the transcript that he said that I was like, yeah, yeah, that's, that's so on point. That's so on point. And more people need to realize that you can't be soft and squishy if you're building a business. You gotta be relentless. You do have to hustle this anti hussle culture. I get it. We need nervous system regulation, but we also can't be afraid to work fucking hard. We have to take care of ourselves, but we also need to work really fucking hard and dedicate our life to whatever it is that you wanna create, an impact that you wanna have in this life. And if you don't have those desires or those dreams, that's okay. That's what the matrix is for. That's what a nine to five is for. Go do that. There's nothing wrong with that. Not everybody can be an entrepreneur. Not everybody can be a successful business owner. It takes hard work, and a lot of people these days, I'm gonna say this with a lot of love in my heart, are fucking lazy. They don't have realistic expectations. You get to savage me today. Okay, so this is what he was saying when he was talking about. Comparing people and how there's a saying out there that says, comparison is the thief of all joy. And he calls bullshit, and I am in agreeance with him on this. It is bullshit because I'm out there and I, I heard this and I'm like, I get why people say it. One, because they're marketing to the victimization of people and allowing them to stay comfortable in whatever. Shitty situation they're in. And then I look at myself and I'm like, okay. I compare myself to people all the time, not in a way of like, they're better than me, but like they have what I want. They're at the next level that I am. So what are they doing? How do they get there? Like how can I shortcut that gap? And it's. Comparing myself to people who have exactly what I want and figuring out what the fuck they did to get there. So he says. There's this big thing on the internet where they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison is not bad. Comparison is the thief of joy if you're not willing to get up and fucking compete. Amen. Comparison is the thief of joy when you're doing nothing and you notice that other people are doing things and it steals your joy, which it should. 99% of the shit that's told to you online today is with the idea of pacifying the lazy people. He said another word, but I'm gonna say people that lives inside of you, pacifying the lazy version of yourself, not you. It's easy to fall back into. Comfortable patterns. Like would I rather be laying in bed eating like Cheetos every single day of my life? Yeah, I sure would, but I'd get really fat and I don't wanna do that and I would've no purpose in life. So I don't wanna do that. But would it be easier than starting a podcast from zero, from building a high ticket business from coaching 600 people? There's so many things that as an entrepreneur you do in your daily life that are so hard, but you do it anyway and you make that conscious decision because you know that the reality over here is way worse than doing the hard thing. But people are so comfortable in their suffering these days and it's because a lot of the time what you see on social media, just like Andy said, it is pacifying the laziness. And I refuse to do that because I truly care about you listening to this. I wanna give it to you straight. I wanna help coach you through this, not from a place of like, I'm better than you, but from a place of like, I've been there with you. You know what you need to do. Let me be very direct here. You know what you need to do. You have known for a while the workout, the content, the early mornings, the hard conversation that you need to have with a teammate, with a boss, with a mentor, with a coach, with a significant other, whatever it is. That thing that you keep putting off, you fucking know the question is not what to do. The question is. Why do you keep choosing not to do it? And the answer, if you're willing to be honest with yourself, is comfort. It's comfort every single time. Yeah. I'd rather be eating flaming hot Cheetos in my bed right now, but I don't eat flaming hot Cheetos anymore because they're so bad for you. But do I want them? Yeah, but I'm making a decision to not eat them. Yeah. Why? Because I don't wanna be fat and unhealthy. Okay. You are choosing the comfort of the moment over the person you said you wanted to become. And how mean is that? We gotta like, don't be mean to yourself every time that you make that choice right there, you are voting against yourself. You cannot do that. You are casting a ballot that says, I'm not someone who follows through with the things that I say. You're not in integrity with yourself. And how many of those ballots have you cast? The life that you have right now, the life that you're living, the bank account that you have is the sum of all of those votes. It's not timing, it's not luck. It's not the algorithm. It's not your upline, your sideline, your downline. It's not the economy, it's the votes. You have been casting for yourself or against yourself every single day. In the small, private, unsexy moments of your life when nobody is watching, that is your life. That is how you've arrived, where you're at right now. That is why you either have or don't have what you want. And the reason that I am telling you this is because the flip side of this is the most empowering thing that I, that I know. If the life that you have right now is the result of those votes that you've been casting, you can start casting different ones today. Change is made in an instant, not over time. It takes a fraction of a second to make a decision to change. It doesn't take seven days to build a new habit. It doesn't take 21 days to form a new thing. It doesn't take a 30 day challenge, like it doesn't take any of that. You're making this way harder on yourself. You have got to decide. It's so simple. Decide to rewire your internal operating system. Not Monday, not in March. Not the beginning of the year, not in six months, not after the holidays, not after the big move. not when things settle down. Like today, right now. In this very moment while you're listening to this, make a decision and don't go back from it. It's not difficult, but simple and easy are two totally separate things you doing. This doesn't have to be this dramatic thing. You don't have to announce it. It doesn't have to be a complete rehaul over your entire life. Rebuilding that self-trust works exactly the same way that you broke it. Just like if you've put on an extra 40 pounds, you didn't put on an extra 40 pounds in 24 hours. You put it on over time by making decisions that were not in alignment with who you actually wanted to be unless you wanted to gain 40 pounds, I guess, if you're a sumo wrestler, but like that's a whole different conversation. If you said that you're gonna make your bed every day and you didn't. You didn't make that today. Go make your bed right now. Like pause, take me with you. I don't care. Go make your bed. You said you were gonna make that piece of content and you didn't yet. Guess what? Stop doing whatever you're doing. Make the piece of content. Do it right now. You have to start laying down new neural pathways. You have to start giving your brain new evidence that you are someone who follows through. Which will compound over time and you will lose that 40 pounds of not being integrity that you put on. It's gonna feel ugly at first. It's gonna be messy, it's gonna be really slow. And then all at once, you're gonna look back and be like, holy moly, I'm a new person. And I saw something the other day that really, like, I wanted to, I wanted to shake this person. I saw a post online. And they sell a thing online right now. We'll just leave it at that. I'm not gonna out what this person sells and their marketing through online social platforms. This was an organic post on their personal profile and they are living their life posting about doing the complete opposite of what they're selling. And they wonder why they aren't having any conversions with their leads. Like, come on. I just wanted to shake this person with so much love, all the love in my body. So if you are building a business right now online, you cannot, in your body, in your bones, in your gut, in your core, you cannot sell. With any type of conviction, what you are not living, who you say you are, and the life that you're living are two totally separate things. That is out of integrity. Your nervous system, your subconscious knows when you are just in a performance of a version of yourself that isn't real, and the people on the other end of your content, in your dms, on your sales calls, they will feel it too. Maybe they won't be able to name it. But they will absolutely feel it. The most magnetic, attractive version of you will never be the most perfectly polished version. It will be the most integrated version. The version where what you say and what you do are all the same things. And again, we're not perfect. There's gonna be times you mess up. Give yourself grace to a degree. But get back on track. Your private life and your public life have to match You have to be you. That is what people buy. That is what people follow. That is who people join. That is what people trust. And it starts with the very simplest things that you say you're gonna do and you don't. Now, if you're not gonna do it, don't say you will do it. This is something that I have been very passionate about my entire life. If in that moment I wanna do something, but I know that I cannot do it yet, I will not say that I'm going to do it just to make myself feel better and see what happens. I will give myself a deadline and I will. At that point, assess if I am physically or mentally capable to do the thing. And if I'm not, I won't say that I'm gonna do it. If I am, then I will do it and I will commit to it. Like if you know me on a personal, well, if you're one of my friends, you know that if I say I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna fucking do it. If I say I'm gonna be somewhere, I'm gonna be somewhere, unless I'm on a deathbed, I'm gonna be there and I'm gonna do it because. For a point in my life, I wasn't that way and I saw the chaos that it created in my life. And if you're building a business, you cannot scale or create in a world of chaos There will not be any congruence there if you're operating out of integrity. This starts in the dark. It starts when nobody is watching you, when there's nobody rooting for you. When the comfort is right there and you want to eat the flaming hot Cheetos, but you don't. Who are you when nobody's watching? That person is your brand. That person is your business. That person is your life. That person is your future integrity with oneself. It is so simple. It is not complicated. It is not some personality trait that you have or don't have that you're born with or not. It's a skill set that you learn. It is a practice. It is a daily, boring, unsexy fucking practice of doing what you said you were gonna do. Simple, yeah, easy. Absolutely not. It requires you to choose your future self over your current comfort and your brain. Is instinctively going to fight you on it every step of the way because your brain is wired for familiarity, for comfort, and if you've already done so much work programming your brain to be comfortable, it's gonna be even more difficult for you. So realistic expectations know that going in your feelings are gonna fight you on it. Every excuse that you've ever made is gonna show up, fully dressed and ready to argue with you. Okay? You have to look at it and say. Not today, Satan. Not today. We are not doing this today. You won't feel like it. It won't be convenient. You won't feel motivated. Do it the fuck anyways, because you said you would and you love yourself enough to do it, and you're someone who does what they say that they're gonna do. Start there. Start small. Start today. The version of you that's in full integrity, who does the things, keeps the promises, shows up in private, the way that they show up in public is not far away from who you are right now. Again, it's just a decision. Make the decision right now. That person is one kept promise away. That's it. I love you. I am proud of you. I will see you next week for another episode of Call Her Coach.