Piss Plane w Jules Wagner

Jules Wagner joins Amber to celebrate the freedoms (& hells) of working in the service industry. Jules has beef with Dove Soap, specifically when it is in her dog's belly! Amber tells Jules about being held hostage by a guest's fart. Jules has also been a LIFEGUARD (brag!) and a SKY SERVER during the pandemic...and the results will shock you. The girls agree you shouldn't live on earth if you eat soup in the summer! Gag along on this (unintentional) barf-heavy eppy and enjoy your holiday weekend on a gay lake! 

Follow Jules @julesmwagner on Instagram

Catch Jules Wagner performing with Gwen Rose & Nina West on the Columbus Comedy Festival this August!! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:05

Let's dive into today's beef.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Hi, what's up? It's uh all beef, man. I'm so excited. I uh am Amber Marie, your host. I am here with a very wonderful friend. Um, we tried to schedule this for season one, um, I think multiple times, and we both equally canceled, which honestly, I'm gonna be like for real with you, I loved that. I am such a last minute canceling girl, so please welcome Jules Wagner, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Honestly, I'm the problem. No, I don't know what it was. I think it was like cash explosion or something. Oh my god. Job. Yeah. 100%. No. That I also used to work.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

That I also used to work. Um, hey, thanks for doing this today.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Oh my god, of course.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

How are you? Thank you for having me on. I'm great. Of course, yes. And as we both know, we're doing perfect.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

No we're doing amazing. There's nothing wrong in my life. No notes. No notes.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Um yeah. Um, no, I uh I totally understand the cash explosion thing. So Jules works with our friend Josh Waddle um and took a position that I gave up because I was going through it.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Um, but it's super fun. Do you love it?

SPEAKER_00 1:11

I actually do love it. I do love it. I think um, I think it's definitely like right up my alley because I I just like fucking around. You're just fucking around. And you're just fucking around. And I love Josh. Yes. I like I feel like I don't get to see him enough, so it's always nice that I get to work with him. Like a monthly check-in. Yeah. Force family fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

So the position at Cash Explosion that you do with Josh and a couple other people is the scream team.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Yeah. Would you mind describing a little bit of what you do there?

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Yeah, Josh is like technically my boss, which is so funny. And people are always asking me, like, how the fuck did you get that job? And I I can curse, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Oh my god, you're so sweet. I'm like, just checking. Oh, I'd be out here like, and if you say anything, I'll pretend to be perfect.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

No, I would all everyone asked me, like, how did you get that job? And I was like, Oh, Josh was my improv teacher, which sounds so weird, but like he was, and I'm recruited I'm so glad that he asked me to do it because it's like truly what has kept me from going back to corporate. Yeah. Like, I I every time I hate serving and I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna apply for a corporate job. I'm like, no one can give me the time off for cash explosion. You're like, at least it keeps you from doing that. Yeah, suffering at the corporate world. I hated corporate too. I think it's just always you think the grass is greener. But of course, no, cash explosion. So basically, what the scream team does is like we hype up the crowd, we tell them when to laugh sometimes. We like basically give them presents, like prize presents, Christmas. We give them prizes, yeah. We give them wrapped gifts.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

That's so cute. Wait, no, I'm you guys probably will for like a Christmas thing. You guys said I'll dress up as elves or wear elf ears.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Did you have to do that? No, but you could. Oh my god, I was like, I did not have to do that, Amber. I don't know what what they were doing with you.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

No, it so actually when I left, it was really difficult because I loved it a lot. Yeah. Um, but my bartending schedule is crazy, and my um I'm not trying to rag on him or anything, but my ex and I were like going through it and I was very depressed. And like that job requires a lot of like energy.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Yeah. I mean, I'm stressed for tomorrow because like I have a back injury, and like it's not very physically demanding, but I carry a lot. It it is. I carry a lot of my energy like in my face too. So I feel like when I'm in pain, everyone knows it.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Maybe Josh could wheel you in on like a dolly or something.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Oh my god, that would be so fun. Actually, just I know they will come up with a workaround. Yeah. But yeah, no, so I I totally understand that too, because the only reason it really works for me is because I already work mornings. Oh, that's wonderful. That makes sense. It's like perfect.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

You wake up really early for this job and it's um extremely fun. The people there are phenomenal. I I still keep in touch with so many of them. But I remember when I left and Josh told me that he had recruited you, and I was ecstatic. Um, you're perfect for it. I was like, oh my god, that's perfect. Like, so I'm so happy to hear you like it.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

Well, I think we have kind of similar energy. I don't know. I say that sometimes to people and they're like, What the fuck? Why would you say that? But I do go to hell because we have similar energy. Like, and then Nikki was before you, right?

unknown 4:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

At some point, I also feel like similar energy to you and me. So I'm like, it makes sense. Yeah. That they like how about Nikki Winkleman.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

She listens to like every episode. I love her so.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

I love Nikki so much. I cannot shut up about Nikki enough. But it's also like when I came in the job, like it I they love me now, but at first I was like, everyone was like, what happened to Amber? Like they were like so sad that you left.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

It was really sudden, and I had like, oh my god, I was in such a bad place. And I just remember like I felt like I was letting everyone there down and I was letting Josh down.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Go find another person, you know, but it's like your mental health is like the most important.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Which is sad because I feel like in a professional way, I couldn't find a way to say that like I was like dying.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

No, it's so hard. Like, I don't I literally be ghosting jobs, so I just yeah, but my job isn't listening to this. Me ghosting them. I'm just knock on wood. But yeah, no, so they they were just like I felt like I had really big shoes to fill when I got in there because everyone loves you so much. And like I remember even just like that's really sweet, you know, like the cops that are there, they're like, please send Amber my love. Like, I love her. Like, please.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

And I was like, I'm gonna come watch you guys sometime soon.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

It's really fun.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Are they tomorrow?

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Yeah, tomorrow and the next day.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

I might pop over tomorrow, maybe pop over, girl. Sounds cool as hell. But we do know that today is July 3rd. Yes. Yes. Do you have any fourth of July plans? Um, tomorrow plans.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

I feel like I work every 4th of July because it's good money. Weird. Yeah. It's usually like all the holidays are good money. That's wild. Yeah, you would think people be like out of town, but there are a lot of people that stay in town that will we have a patio and stuff. Okay, that'll do it. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Okay, very funny. Okay. I think I'm gonna go to Buckeye Lake and be a piece of shit.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

That's like so Ohio of you, to be honest.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Look, once daddy gets a lake, your lake laugh love every day. I'm so it's such a nice, like weird getaway, and all you have to do is ignore all the people with a Trump boat.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Yeah, and that's kind of why I don't fuck with Fourth of July. Oh my god, I know. Because I'm just like, I feel like if I celebrate this holiday, people think I'm a Trump supporter. Even if it's just like going to the pool and eating a popsicle, it's like you if you post about it, people are like, she voted for Trump.

SPEAKER_02 6:40

No, so I'm picturing somebody seeing you and with a MAGA hat on and nodding to you like one of us, and you're like, no, I just love bomb-pops.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

No, seriously, and also here's another thing. When I was growing up, I grew up like in the DC area. Oh, wow. And we had a lot of exchange students that came in and we had American flags and stuff. And I graduated in 2015, so it was like right at you know, like when all the election stuff was starting to happen, and like Trump had announced that he was running and all of that stuff, and one of the exchange students was like, like came over, saw that we had an American flag, and he was like, Oh, so you're gonna like you're basically you're Republican. And I was like, wait, what? Because we we grew up so liberal and I was just so confused, and I was like, Why do you think that? And he was like, I just feel like if you have an American flag, it means you're a Republican. And I was like, no, that's not what it means. And back then that is not what it meant, but now that's fully what it means. It that is so interesting because if you have an American flag on your car, we've got a beef with that for sure.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Oh my god, see every time I see a truck, I'm like, you fucking MAGA bitch.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

You know what I mean? I literally pull up and it's just like a butch lesbian, and you're like, wait.

SPEAKER_01 7:49

She's like, I bought this off my friend Trevor. He loves fishing. She's like, we love the lake. Just headed out to Buckeye Lake to protest the people that live there.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Oh my god. There are lesbian Trump supporters though, and it's really scary. That's how I'm for sure.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Like literally fucking how. I hate that so much. Um idiots. Very much idiots. Yeah, I've got I've got beef with lake Trumpers. Why can't I wanna I wanna start a liberal lake. A liberal lake. A socialist lake just for the girls.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

You have to like show who you voted for to get in.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

Or like that you voted. Because there are a lot of people that just like don't vote.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

That's so annoying. Yeah. Oh, mm-hmm. Yeah, I've got beef with that shit.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

I have beef with that shit too.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

And it's funny because I will, it's mostly at the bar too, um, when I'm working, and somebody will have a lot of opinions about politics, and I go, something something, like, are you voting in the midterms or whatever? And they're like, Well, I just don't vote. And I go, You need to shut. Oh, you have so many opinions. I'm doing you don't need it. Yeah, it makes me that's a beef. I hate fucking hate that shit. Um, Jules, so I met you through comedy. How long have you been doing it now?

SPEAKER_00 8:57

Sorry, I have to burp.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Please burp. And uh, this is the burp cast, as I literally say, like every time I bring people in here, I give them soda waters and Coke Zeros.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

My burp being a pick me and not coming out right now, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

No, take your time. Um, I was uh out shopping recently and I saw Coke Zero had glass bottles, and I had to get them. So that's what Jules and I are drinking. That's what we're burping.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I don't remember your question.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Me neither.

SPEAKER_00 9:23

It's how long have I been doing comedy?

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Yeah, which is such an annoying question. I'm probably gonna edit this out. I hate myself for even.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

No, it's okay. Um, two and a half years. So, like I started February 2024. Fuck yeah. Where was your first open mic? Summit music hall. Wait, no. No. It was the Crescent Lounge.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

The Crescent Lounge! That was a fun one.

SPEAKER_00 9:44

I hated it. Did you? Oh, wait, sorry. I'm sorry, I'm not giving a shit. I'm beefing with the Crescent Lounge. No, um it's just like a lot of uh very conservative people.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

Oh see, I only went there a handful of times and it was like in really good company and it was good nights.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

I didn't realize that. That's creepy.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

It wasn't like that when I went.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Ooh, okay, so they're at Buckeye Lake. We hate them.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

No, they're totally at Buckeye Lake, and um they have a thin blue line sticker on their car, probably.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

I was like, wait, I thought you were like on the bar. I was about to break my podcasting equipment. On the bar, maybe I think she is. Uh, I don't know. I won't speculate, but I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure tea. I love tea. Yeah, and then Summit was like my first one that I so like that one, Tony Wallace, I think, just like threw me up on the mic. Okay. And I didn't have shit to say. So I think I just like told a dumb story and it went okay. It was probably bad. Probably horrible to be honest. I'm so glad I don't have that lost footage. And then the next day or something, I think it the next day was Sunday, which is I think when the summit mic used to be. It was Saturday and Sunday. So I went to the summit mic and I prepared some stuff and it went pretty well. Fuck yeah. We had for like a basically first timer, it went pretty well.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

I love that you did it back to back like that. That's crazy. I think after the first time I did it, I like laid dormant for months and was very embarrassed by who I was and what I was about.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

Well, so like I definitely relate to that. I did it in Virginia Beach like once or twice during college. And um at the time, so this was like again, this was like 2017, 2018. Back then it was very much like um frat boy open mic crowd. Like, I don't know what it's like now, and again, I only went a few times, so maybe it was just the nights I was there. But I felt very like it didn't feel like a safe space, you know. Like I felt like very judged, and I you get judged at open mics, but it it didn't it didn't feel like I had like room. So that's horrible creative.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

So that is how so many of the mics felt back when I started, and I always bring this up, but like to find that other woman in the room and be like, can we buddy up? Like it really was like me and Christine Hormath against the world, like oh my gosh, yeah, it was crazy, and Angie Angel.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

Okay, love them. Love them. Also, I specifically remember at the summit mic there weren't really any girls. And so that person for me was Christian Debuya. Oh my god, and Roxy. I think Roxy was there too. Oh, wonderful. And I was like, Hey, can I stand with you? And he was like, Who the fuck are you? No, he was so nice. Okay, that's yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

Because like there is like it there are those situations a lot in comedy, and um I feel like you do kind of when you don't have another like female presence or you know, somebody I like, yeah. It's like that thing when you're like nervous at some event by yourself and you just try to go make a buddy, you're like, you look like the safest guy in here. Yes, like not trying to be a jerk, but like it's not even like safest, but sometimes like the most welcoming, or somebody that's not gonna like roll their eyes at you for existing. You're like, fuck me, right? I also want to do what you're fucking doing.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

I was like, this guy has a cool girlfriend.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Yes, and that matters to us. No, it really does. Yeah, that always helps. Um, I did want to bring up Fourth of July again.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

How are your pups with fireworks? They don't give a fuck. Ugh. They don't care at all. I mean, my my Polly is like, she doesn't like them because it's noise, so she'll bark. Oh. But she's not like scared. She's just like protective of me. So and Mel, but like Patrick might bark because she's barking, but like they're not scared. Okay. Yeah. I think I'm so like my neighborhood sometimes, it's it's really like gunshots or fireworks. Oh, fuck. Like, I'm not thinking 4th of July, because if it's 4th of July, obviously it's fireworks. But like there are other times where I hear what I think is a gunshot, and like the dogs don't give a fuck. And I'm like, I'm scared. I'm just like high in my house, scared. They're like, it's another day. Yeah, they're like, what do you think they're gonna do? Come through the window. I'm like, maybe. Bitch, yeah, what are you gonna do about it? Anything? Maybe. How much does your collie weigh?

SPEAKER_01 13:52

That's a crazy question. I know that is a crazy question. Sometimes I see like a thick ass collie, and I'm like, that's a big ass fucking dog.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

Um, she weighs less than you think, actually. She's very fluffy, but like when we bathe her, she's like skinny girl. And I'm like, okay, period. I was like, not her bringing back heroin sheep. No, no, but she's probably so she went on a diet because she was really heavy for a minute because I wasn't walking her that much. That's a big collie. Yeah, now she's like maybe 55 or 60. Okay. Yeah, she lost like 10 pounds. Aww, they're so cute. I love that so much. Yeah, she's a freak though. She's a freak. She's like, they're both both my dogs are like really nasty. Like all dogs kind of are, right? But they're like really nasty.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Like they smell like fish constantly, and like sorry, I was trying to think of the acronym for I was like A cab, but all dogs are nasty, which is Adan.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

All collie's are bad. All collie's are bad. Well, okay, so they stinky. Yeah, like the other day, I don't so Stella, the collie has like fingers basically, and she can open doors and it's fucking weird. She looks like a skinwalker. I've got beef with that. It's so disgusting. Cause like I'll hear the like if I lock her out for a nap or something, sometimes I'll hear the door like creak open and she's like standing in the doorway, and I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Okay, no. Okay, separation anxiety. But over the weekend, two different times, she tried to eat a bar of soap. Oh, like a a bar of dove soap, but um, yeah. It's like, is it like bacon flavored? No dove, it's just regular dove. She like threw up and Mel was like, what is this like hard waxy shit in her vom? What an idiot. Maybe like trigger warning, bomb. No, yeah, so good. It's good. Yeah, and then later she did it again, and I looked in the I was like in the bathroom, like about a bathe or something, and I was like, What is with this bar of soap? Why does it look like this? And there were like teeth marks. And it was it, and I was like, Oh, this was new yesterday and it's half gone.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

Okay, dogs be crazy. It's disgusting. I love that. Okay, do you remember the show My Strange Strange Addiction? Yeah. Okay, it's making me think of that where people were like eating light bulbs and shit. She's just like, what's her name again?

SPEAKER_02 16:04

Stella. Stella. She's like, hey, I'm Stella, and I can't stop eating dove soap. Like, I usually get started in the morning with one bar. If I'm having a bad day, I kind of binge.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Well, like the next day, Mel and I were like hung over at pliables because we went to this like pride kickoff thing. It was really fun, but we got way too fucked up. And then we went to pliables the next day, and I like got some water from it's stay with me. Got some water from like their pitchers or whatever. And like, I was like, is it just is it just me or does this water taste like soap? Like they didn't wash the pitcher all the way. And Mel was like, not Stella, just being like, let me tell you about a delicacy and like putting a little bit in your water.

SPEAKER_01 16:41

Oh my it's like lemon water in white women.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Yes, good God. Soap water. She was like, she was like, she tasted, she was like, I don't taste soap, but it's probably like the ghost of Stella's bomb.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

Like sucks. Yeah, it was rough. That reminded me of I had a guy over like a over a decade ago, and um this is so gross. But I had made, it was like summer, so I had made like taken some of my cute like glassware and did like the fruit fly trap, right? Because fruit flies be driving you crazy in the summer. No, they're bad. And so you do like the dawn soap, warm water, and like a little sugar rim. It's like a cocktail for fruit flies, if anyone's wondering. But I had taken some of my cutest glassware because I wanted it to like look nice if I was gonna have bug traps in my kitchen. But I had them in my kitchen. This guy comes over, stays the night. The next morning, he's like, I'm gonna go get a glass of water. And then I just hear him puking my kitchen sink, and I was like, Yeah, that's it. Puking is dramatic though. I know, and so he's so embarrassed.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Puking is so dramatic.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Imagine like puke her. It's like I guess she did it too.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

She did too, but she likes it because she went back for seconds. She went back for hometown buffet having seconds of bars. Yo, you got any bar soap in here? Like, that's how I imagine she sounds. Oh, that voice? No, yeah, she's like uh she's like actually white trash.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

Tiny is from a trailer park for real. So that's her voice. I love that so much.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

About how like she I she belongs outside of a trailer, like her trailer, with a picture of buff grampo. Yeah, definitely a bandana. Yes, and um, a fold-out chair, and she's drinking like a warm PBR. I was gonna say that's like her female smile. She's disgusting. Yeah, and she's just like, got any more. Like she like chugs it. Wait, cigarettes. Wait, what's your goddamn cigarettes? Patrick is like, I don't I've never thought about his voice. Really? Interesting. Because I think he can't speak English. Like, I don't think that he s has words in him. I think he just like what what language? Well, apparently he's Chinese. He's from China. Like his breed is from China. So they yeah, but I don't I wouldn't do that impression. But no, I Jules, please do your best Chinese impression on the Chinese bug impression, please. Now no, I just feel like he sounds kind of like, well, why are we doing that? Like, hello. Okay. Like I think he has like a deeper voice. For sure. But like he doesn't know what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

I was about to say, and I didn't want to offend you. I was like, do you feel like he's a little simple? Because George Michael is very simple.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

I think he's a little slow. Am I allowed to say slow? Yeah, of course. Not we're talking about our dogs that we make up identities. Like he's just like a little, like, I don't think that he's ever been. I always say this, I don't think he's ever been here before. I really genuinely think this is his first time on earth. First timeline. Yeah, like he forgets everything. Like I could yell at him for something and he'll do it two seconds later. He's so dumb. He goes back for seconds of soap. I mean, he's the sweetest boy though. Like, I rag on him all the time, and he's like, I will say, he's been pissing in the house a lot. Same with Tiny, but it's like out of nowhere.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

Dude. Is it is there something in the air? Last night Tiny's very sneaky about it, and he usually does it behind my back until I fucking like there's a spot she likes in my house, right? It's like every spot in my house. Oh no. But I saw I saw her squat and do it yesterday, and then I I screamed at her, and she has all this shame. And I was like, the back door is wide open and we have a yard.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

We don't even have a yard, so like I thought at first, like, oh, maybe we're not letting him out enough, or maybe he has like a UTI or something. I don't know if boy dogs can get UTIs, but I was like, something's off. Took him to the vet, spent like 200 bucks just to find out that he's like a bad boy, you know? And then we have a diagnosis. Yeah, he's a bad, bad boy. He's a bad, bad boy. And like the vet, I've no, like, she's my friend, so she felt so bad about it, but she was like, Hey, I'm really sorry, but like nothing's wrong with him. And it's like one of those things where you kind of wish something was wrong because correcting behavioral is so much harder. And then um, my friend is like a pet psychic. And interested in this information like her for sure. Yes, and I was like, Well, maybe I need to like hire her to come meet Patrick and figure out what's wrong with him.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

And she's like, I don't speak English, I'm scared. My sister's eating soap every day.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

Like, we live in this house, but there's no way to the yard. Like, I don't know what's going on. So, anyway, we've been like crating him every day, but I was like explaining this situation to her. She's also my coworker, shout out Cass. Love her so much. She's out with a knee injury.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

Oh no. Wait, I there's the applause. Sorry, that was for Cass.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Cass. And um, anyway, she was like, I think, like, I told her the whole lowdown of this story, and she was like, I think that he knows that like you don't respect him. And I don't, like, I was like, Yeah, probably, but like I've never respected him, and he just started pissing in my house like two months ago.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

So piece of shit.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Like, why now does he decide to take a stand and like stand up for himself? You know? So I don't really know what's going on. Apparently, he thinks I don't respect him. And the worst part about it is like the more he pees in the house, the less I even respect him. Right. So like I never did, and that's First place.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

It's like, wow.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

Um, it's like he's like watching your sets online. Like, what a she was like, What if he knows you're talking about him on stage? And I was like, Well, I never practice, so I can't he does not know. Not me, yeah, not know. Yeah, so annoying.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Yeah, yeah. Well, I I I just even did a thing because she'll have like spurts of it, my dog tiny, and she'll be like, totally good, go outside, go potty. But then I was like rewarding her every time she went pee outside to be like make a big deal of it, and then this bitch still be peeing inside.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

I'm like, Why I got a treat and I'm still gonna piss in the house.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Yeah, and then so despite her last night after she peed on the carpet, I invited them both in the kitchen and I only gave George treats and I ignored her.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

That's what you gotta do. That's what it takes. I just like is she old? Is she kind of an old dog?

SPEAKER_01 22:45

Yeah, they're 11 and 12.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

Okay, so he's like five. So I'm like, why the fuck are you doing it? Yeah, like nothing's hurting. Yeah, okay. And he's like the most high energy pug, which is so fucked up. Spicy. Yeah, he's just something's wrong. Silly.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Well, apparently not, because he's like, I'm actually all good. I just like my vitals are perfect. I just love to pee in the house.

SPEAKER_00 23:06

Well, it's like I thought maybe I was taking two, like I wasn't letting him out enough, like I said, and then I would like I went to go pick Mel up from work. She lit she her she her work is like five minutes. Okay. So I was gone total ten minutes, and he pissed in the house. And he had just gone out, and there was like nothing left. It was like bile. Like when you throw up only bile, it was like that coming from his pee-pee. So I'm just like, okay. Why do it get so sudsy sometimes? Like that drives me crazy. Maybe it's a sudden soap. He had to have been eating it too. They're snacking on it together.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

Oh my god. This they're lady in the tramping a bar of dove. For sure. So fucking annoying. Um, Jules, I've been really excited to have you on this podcast because you are one of my friends that directly does also work in the industry. Um, I brought up like a couple beefs um when I still had a job and my job wasn't burnt down. Um, I would try to write down things in the moment that were really annoying. This is a pretty general one, but I have not brought it up before. Um Do you ever get a customer who is eating and then they put their dirty, filthy motherfucking napkin in the middle of their plate on their food until you go, it's time to bust it. And you go to bust it and they go, I'm not done.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

Yeah, almost every day.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

What?

SPEAKER_00 24:22

I don't know why people do that. I don't know why. Like also, ew, why are you putting that on your food?

SPEAKER_01 24:29

Why are you it's touching the food they're still continuing to eat. And I go, I'm sorry, brother. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_00 24:34

Yeah, like how am I supposed to know that?

SPEAKER_01 24:36

That's that is not isn't is that not a universal signal for I'm done eating.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

No, that totally is. But also, there are people at my like my restaurant is kind of in an affluent area, so people like never finish their food. It's like all these almond moms that like come in and they're like, I'll take a half salad. Half salad. And I'm like, Do you want any protein on that? No, and also no dressing, no cheese, no croutons.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

Your life is so fun.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

I know they're having a really cool life, and then they eat three bites because it tastes like shit.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

Ooh, that's a beef. Yeah. When people modify something to the point of it's not even food, and then they go like that tastes so bad.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

Yeah, you took all the flavor out of it. I can't believe you would expect it to taste good.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

Dude, that drives me literally crazy.

SPEAKER_00 25:21

I'll try to like steer people away from it. Like, basically, you can modify anything at my restaurant because we like accommodate to everyone for some reason.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

Like, honestly, I'm not with that game.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

I hate it. I love telling people no, that's the thing. But like, I'm so in hell because I can't tell anyone no ever. Like someone today ordered buttered noodles at 9 a.m. and we let them. 9 a.m. Was it a three-year-old with a suitcase? No, it was like an adult. They also always order off the kids' menu and they always order, like, it'll be when I'm having the slowest day ever that people come in and take up like two tables, like a huge party will come in, and they're like, we just want coffee and a cheese and like a soup, and it's like seven dollars for a soup and like five dollars. The coffee is like the same price as the soup.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:13

So their check totals are so low. That's so annoying. Yeah, and they just like never eat or finish any of their foods.

SPEAKER_01 26:19

I can only imagine starting my day with a coffee and a soup and how quickly I would have to go have diarrhea.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

They're also like ordering soup in 90 degree weather, which that should be illegal.

SPEAKER_01 26:30

No, I said Are they on the patio in the sun when they do have it?

SPEAKER_00 26:33

Yeah. The other day I like tallied on my hand and I had like three sets of five by the end of the day.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

It was fucking crazy. I was like, what is going on? It was like 86 degrees outside. I checked.

SPEAKER_01 26:46

This is like a species of people that shouldn't exist. They're like, oh, it's soup season, it's 80 degrees.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

I think that it's like mental illness to order soup in the summer. Like, I think it's fine if you're like in a cold restaurant. I don't think it's fine if you're sitting on a patio where the fans are barely moving and like I'm sweating just standing there. I know you're sitting there sweating your dick off eating soup. That's mental illness. I also think it's mental illness, though, in the winter to never eat soup. Because I love I I will literally sweat soup in the winter. It hits. Yeah. What's your fave soup? Mushroom. Mushroom. Cream of mushroom. It's so good, especially if they're like big chunks of mushroom. I know that sounds so fucking gross. It doesn't. I love a mushroom. Stella Stella's like soap bomb, but soap bomb. No, I I um I can uh I respect that. I love I like a French onion. Oh, that one's good too. I like it when there's like cheese melted.

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

And then um Italian wedding, I really like.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

I love Italian wedding. I did have this is so weird. Maybe like 12, 13 years ago. I I just remember being really hungover, and it's a guy that used to do comedy that doesn't really anymore. Really nice person. Um I'm like afraid to give them a shout-out for like no reason. But I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 27:55

Like, we're on good terms.

SPEAKER_01 27:57

No, but I'm afraid, like, I haven't seen him in a thousand years, and I'm like, maybe he's cancelled, you know? So anyway, that's fine. Um he uh I remember we had like some show together, I was like wicked hungover, and he goes, My wife made Italian wedding soup. Would you like a jar? And I was like, dude, yeah, I'm so hungover, I haven't eaten all day. And I remember eating it and it not setting right, and then I got Stella sick. Oh no, and then since then I'm like, I really love that soup, but the little tiny balling up those little balls little tiny chunks of meatball. Like it was crazy. It came out the same as it went in, and I was like, oh fuck. So I've had a hard time eating it since, but that's so valid. I think it's been long enough. I need to give it another go.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

Yeah, there are so many things that I'm getting back into, like eating after doing chemo. Like because when I did chemo, there were so many things that I vomited up that I was like, I cannot even eat that or look at that or smell it again. Oh my god, I'm thinking about it. We're just talking about vomit for this whole hour. This is oh, it's the vomcast. It's my yeah, I yeah, I I like am finally getting back to it and I'm like, I think it's been long enough. Oh, that's great. Have you had any issues with returning to anything specific? Or has it been pretty good? So I tried to eat oatmeal the other day and I was eating it like every day when I was sick because it was like it like actually was satiating and good for me, but also the texture I think became a problem. Like the more I did chemo. Oh and yeah, it does look the same coming back up. Of course. So I'm trying to get back into oatmeal because it was genuinely the best breakfast for me. Like, I would do like oatmeal with like peanut butter and chocolate chips and like honey and stuff, and like maybe a banana or like strawberries or whatever, and it would like I wouldn't be hungry again until later.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

Like such a solid thing to start your day with for real.

SPEAKER_00 29:43

Yeah, and I could like work out and stuff, and now it's just like I try to eat it, but the texture is so it's so rough.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

It is so it is an interesting texture for a lot of people, but especially with your experience with chemo and being ill. That's sound that's like next level. Yeah. Um, I know shout out Rochelle Collins. Um, they do a really nice um overnight oats recipe that I continually ask them for.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

Um okay, I'm gonna ask her actually.

SPEAKER_01 30:10

Yeah, you should because the last time I talked to her about it, I think she texted me in detail because that's she's on that type of shit.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

She's I love her for that.

SPEAKER_01 30:17

I literally do too. It's like I know I can probably discreet. I'm gonna post it on our grid actually when I do this post. Um, Rochelle Collins recipe. Honestly, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:25

I love her. Like, if I ask her or Tanya about anything very specific, I know they'll give me a detailed answer. And I'm not like that at all, so it's really helpful for me because I'm so scatterbrained and like I'm not detail oriented at all. So I'm like, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

I think literally, okay, so I love that you say that because I do think we're similar in that way with like Do you have a ADHD? Oh yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_00 30:48

Okay, I'm off my Adderall. Oh, I've been off my Adderall for like six months. That's right. How are you doing? I feel really good creatively, but like really shitty um routine. And like also I'm eating everything. Like I feel like I have so much food noise. And yeah, I I'm just trying to like come back to whatever my like natural. But like when you're when you're taking Adderall every day, like you're just not that hungry. And like I ate because I had to, but not because I was like constantly like craving things, and now I'm like, I feel pregnant, it's fucked.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

No, I I really I do hate how it affects your body because like you said, like yeah, you're like, I'm really good at my to-do lists, and me and Mel got our to our dinner reservation on time and like da-da-da. But then like, but then like you're not eating, like it literally is fucking crazy. You're just like a shell, and it yeah, I I love my fucking breakfast, and like, yeah, it's that's so fucking real. Um, what was I gonna say? I feel like I derailed us because I'm stupid.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

No, I have been derailing this whole thing.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

No, this is the ADHD girly podcast. I love ADHD friendly. We're supposed to go. I'm glad. Um, um, what else? I had this other um beef written down, which was just more like disgusting. So I know we're talking a lot about vomits, and I uh vomits with an S for no reason.

SPEAKER_00 32:10

Cool, great. Really? More than one vomit. And we have yeah, so that's valid. Multiple peak pod.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

Um so there was a specific thing I wrote down also from my shifts that I noticed today, and I was like, that is disgusting. Um, but I uh went to take this guy's order, and I think he had some children with him if I remember, but he kept asking me questions. I had their order ready, and I needed to get the fuck away from that table. Yeah. He was a yapper and I try to be, you know, fun and at least entertain them for a moment. And um what I noticed was this guy kept farting. So like loud, heard an audible fart. No, didn't want, and then I was like, it could be anybody, and then I'm like sitting there and then I smelled it.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

Excuse me, as I'm burping, I'm like, he's disgusting I don't think burps are as bad as farts unless you're like right now like in someone's face and you're about to kiss. Like I'm like, that's the only time I like, yeah. Or like you're trapped in an airplane.

SPEAKER_01 33:08

Deeply specific. Oh my god, an airplane fart is like literally throw them off. Um, but yeah, this guy, I felt like I was like, does this guy have a kink where he farts and makes waitresses stay? I said waitresses because it's from the from the from the But like if it's that kind of kink, it's waitresses.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

You're right. So like it's not like servers, it's waitresses.

SPEAKER_01 33:27

Yeah, so I was his uh fucking It's not a gender neutral lady butler. Um and he I I I'm sitting there and it's almost like he's laughing and having like telling me these stories and stuff, and I was like, he has to know I smell this, like or hearing it. And it was multiple farts, and I feel like he took advantage of me and my kindness and kept me in his fart cloud, and it was the worst day of my life. How bad did it smell? It smelled really bad. Like we're in a restaurant where food is, and it's a small restaurant, you know what I mean? Isn't that crazy? Have you ever had anything uh disgusting?

SPEAKER_00 33:56

Like that customers be farting on you? No one was farting on me ever because I think they know I I I think like I give the energy that like I'm not gonna fuck with that. Not saying you give the energy that you are gonna fuck with that.

SPEAKER_01 34:07

No, you're right. Everyone always tells me it looks like I want to be farted on.

SPEAKER_00 34:10

I no, I'm like not nice, is the thing. No, that's good. Um, like I'm I I am good at my job and I like get shit done, but I'm I'm like and I'm friendly on like a cordial level, but I'm not nice.

SPEAKER_01 34:25

Yeah, no one should it was just really disgusting. Mostly to men.

SPEAKER_00 34:28

To men, I'm like really not nice. But like I love that. Like, I don't want to talk to you.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

But um, no, nothing like that has really happened. I just victim shamed you. That's crazy. Wait, no, you didn't shut up. I'm like I'm like, wow, it sounds like you wanted to be farted on.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

That's not how I took it at all. You're so good.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

No, no one has ever farted on me. But one time this guy, this is a crazy fucking story. I've never talked about it.

SPEAKER_01 34:51

Oh my god, I can't wait. I'm honored.

SPEAKER_00 34:53

You got the exclusive. Wait.

SPEAKER_01 34:54

So no, wait, wrong one, wrong one. Damn it.

SPEAKER_00 34:58

Anyway. There we go. So I was working this catering job. It was like at a yacht club, and basically there was a reunion, and the reunion was like, I mean, these people were really old. So it had to have been like a 60 or a 70 year reunion. Like it was fucking nuts. Wow, that's okay. And like not that many of them. So like it had to have been something like that, you know?

SPEAKER_01 35:22

Sorry, I'm picturing like three adorable old people.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

No, they're just like first of all, they were not adorable, they were monsters. Monsters. Old people are the worst to serve, correct?

SPEAKER_01 35:32

Correct.

SPEAKER_00 35:33

The worst. Like, and the worst part about it is like they don't even mean it that way. Like, they don't mean to be horrible. They just like it's all they have. It's like these small outings, like it's all they fucking have. Like they don't probably talk to many people throughout the day. And like some of them are lovely.

SPEAKER_01 35:51

The way that you're speaking, like some of the most of them are, not most. A good a good handful are. And when they are, yeah, when they are grumpy and shitty, like my whole like you're speaking so empathetically, and like I know we're those kind of people. We're like, okay, it's just, you know, they don't maybe use their manners or they didn't mean it that way.

SPEAKER_00 36:11

Like, give me a crab cake. Like it's like fucking crazies.

SPEAKER_01 36:15

They like it's so demanding sometimes that I'm like, wow, I am not your butler.

SPEAKER_00 36:20

No, like I was talking to this table today. I'll get back to the story. Please, you're great. I was talking to this table today, and like it was like, I know it's gonna be okay when there's like one younger person there, you know, because they will like keep them on track. So it was like these two older people, and then like one middle-aged person that was like about like you know, clearly all there. So like she's the middle-aged lady starts ordering because I'm like, anyone ready to order? And they're like, Yes. And then they just like aren't ready to order. My least. No.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

Yeah, because I when people be keeping me around.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

I'm like, why am I standing here while you fucking debate between a chicken sandwich and a fish sandwich?

SPEAKER_01 37:02

And don't you personally get fucking anxiety when you're out and you're like looking at the menu? Like you're you probably clear key clearly communicate, oh my gosh, we need one more minute. I promise I'll be ready when you get back.

SPEAKER_00 37:13

Right. And then you lock in. I would rather I mean it's annoying too when people are like, one more minute, like five times, but it's more annoying when you're making me sit with you through that. So whatever.

SPEAKER_01 37:23

The the way I cross my eyes when I'm like standing there watching someone stare at the side of the side.

SPEAKER_00 37:30

Yes. Anyway, so this this lady today was like ready to order. So she's like, okay, I'll have the fried chicken sandwich. I guess like this other old person like could not hear. And another thing that I have beef with is fucking old people that don't wear their hearing aids when they're supposed to be wearing their fucking hearing aids. Oh my god. Just wear your fucking hearing aid. I know you have it. I know you have it. And also you're in public, like, we're we, yeah. Also, what joy is there in like not hearing people? I don't understand that. Like, it's crazy. You are old. Put your hearing aid in. So me just being ageist this whole podcast episode. But anyway. So like the lady's like, I'll have a fried chicken sandwich. It, but like before she could get to the end of it, the other lady was like, half a salad. And I was like, Oh, oh, okay. And she was like, You can just take her, just take her order, just take her order. Seems like she's ready.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

Yeah, so I had to like So you think she wasn't able to hear?

SPEAKER_00 38:22

I don't think she could hear.

SPEAKER_01 38:23

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

But she also wasn't looking around. So Or at you, probably. Yeah, and then like I went to the other lady, like the older, the other older lady, and she did like the same thing. Like it was like I went, uh like she wasn't ready. So then I was like, okay, I'll just fry chicken sandwich, and she's like, other old older lady's like, get me a bowl of soup. I'm like, oh my god, like can a bitch get her word in for a second? Oh my god. But anyway, okay, back to what I was saying though. So we're at the yacht club, I'm working this event, and like this job is so shitty for so many reasons because like they paid me like 10 an hour. This was like back a while ago. So actually, it was probably like minimum wage. Yeah, minimum wage. You're in a fucking uniform that you had to buy. And yeah, uniform that I had to buy, like it was sweaty, it was uncomfortable, and also the things on this menu are like so expensive, they could easily have paid us a better wage. Like, it was so fucked up, and like the membership fees were so expensive. But anyway, I'm doing this like event, and this man like asked me over and over and over again for more iced tea, which is so that's like such an iced tea drinker thing. Iced tea drinkers drink like gallons worth camels, like filling up.

SPEAKER_01 39:34

And we only have a limited supply at my job. Like we brew a huge thing and we are out, we're out for the day, basically. Oh, we just keep brewing more. Oh, we don't. We go, we're out. I wish that. It's kind of my favorite because there's one motherfucker who be chugging iced teas at the end of the day, and I go, You literally drink all of it.

SPEAKER_00 39:51

Yeah, it's literally gone. Yeah. You drank the whole pitcher, freak.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

And if these motherfuckers like had a counter or could see a tally of like how many times they made me come fill up their iced tea, like, would that give them any self-awareness? Or are they just, I don't think so. I think you're right.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

That's how my dad is with Diet Cokes. I can't even fake. Like, I'm okay. He drinks like a 12 pack a day. It's fucking crazy. That is crazy. Yeah, he's gonna hear this and be like, no, I don't, but he does. Okay, so that he does. So anyway, like this man, like repeatedly, he was nice and stuff, but it was annoying. Like every five seconds, more iced tea, more iced tea, and he grabs it sound nice. Oh, he grabs my arm and he's like, more and literally died on me, Amber. He fucking died. He died while and they call it the death grip for a fucking reason. Because this man had his arm on me and I had to pry it off. So then I was like, okay, I'm going home. Like I called 911. My boss came wherever from wherever in the club he was at, because it was like a yacht club, and he was like, Hello? And I was like, Yeah, someone just died. I'm going home. And he was like, You have to finish your shift. I said, No, the fuck I don't. Good for you. That man's soul is in my body now. Like, absolutely the fuck not. So I went home and then like ghosted him. And they I had like two friends at work there that were like, Hey, they're wondering when you're coming back. And I was like, Tell them never. Like, I'm never coming back. Do that job at all. No, I just never went back. I love that you said ghosted. I ghosted the fuck out of them. I said literally ghosted the fuck out of them. Was that unintentional? That wasn't unintentional.

SPEAKER_01 41:25

I love that so much.

SPEAKER_00 41:26

I love your body. That's fucking insane. So when I went to come here and I accidentally called you instead of um hitting the maps, yeah, that was the old man that's in my body now. That wasn't me.

SPEAKER_01 41:41

That was low-key so dad because my dad did leave me like a voicemail a week that's seven minutes long. I go, Daddy, please.

SPEAKER_00 41:46

No, and it's like, and then me just texting you accidental call. Like, nah, sweet hurt. Um, what the f yeah? So did that mess you up? I think it was like kind of funny at the time. Like it wasn't funny, like it's so fucked up, but it's like, I think I was traumatized for like a day, and then I was like, that would happen to me. And I just laughed about it. You're like, there's another day, and and Jules Wagner's like literally, and then my boss, like, I told my friends that work there, and my boss was like, that literally never happened, and like made me sound like a liar to my friends, and they thought that I just like made it up. Wait, your friends that were not at the event? Yeah, there so because like, okay, they have like a they had a catering crew uh-huh, and like either you were working in the restaurant at the club or you were catering, and it would be like you with all these temps. Okay, okay. So it was like not a single person who knew who I was or anything. No one witnessed it except for like my manager, but my manager was like, that didn't happen because he like didn't want other people to quit. And they like went to my college with me, so they were like, Oh, this bitch lied oh my god about this man dying on her. And I was like, That did happen. You're like, Yeah, what a fun lie to make up first. Why would I ever make that up? That's fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

Okay, so the last how many glasses do you think he had?

SPEAKER_00 43:01

Oh my god, do you think the tea killed him? That would be crazy.

SPEAKER_01 43:04

Hey guys, he had one too many.

SPEAKER_00 43:06

Imagine every time someone asked me for tea, like one too many times. I'm like, hey, so by the way, I had a guy.

unknown 43:11

Yes, I can't wait.

SPEAKER_00 43:13

And it it did kill him.

SPEAKER_02 43:15

So the way Jules and I from across the room just our eyes got big and we pointed at each other because I was literally we're on the same exact fucking timeline, dude. Um, yeah. Like, you know, after the 11th cup, you know what can happen, right?

SPEAKER_00 43:28

I think he drank a pitcher and a half.

unknown 43:30

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 43:31

Like, at least, and they were like jumbo pitchers because I remember I had trouble um pouring them correctly.

SPEAKER_01 43:37

Oh, I hate it.

SPEAKER_00 43:38

Because they were so big, yeah. Yeah, comes out the sides for no reason. My muscles would be popping out, like, and I'd be like, and they'd be like, You got some big muscles there, and I'm like, Yeah, it's from these fucking goddamn pitchers with all your goddamn iced tea in it.

SPEAKER_02 43:50

No, having toned arms from just carrying shit at work is so real.

SPEAKER_00 43:54

No, for real. And also, this was in Virginia, and we would sweeten the tea, like they don't do on sweetening. Tea over there. It's only sweet. So we would tweet sweeten the tea with like a whole quart container of sugar. And there would always be one bitch that was like, this tea is not sweet. And I'm like, that's fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 44:12

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 44:13

That's so disgusting. What do you mean? Momeo's pizza. And I just remember when I saw how much sugar they put in the sauce, I never could eat it again.

SPEAKER_00 44:21

Yeah, that's so good.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

It was a pound of sugar to like a a to like equal parts, like sugar and like tomato sauce.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

Have you ever worked at a restaurant that's just like infested with roaches? Cause same. Yes. Shout out Jimmy V's. I don't give a fuck. Shout out Hair of the Dog Eatery in Virginia V. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

I love having an air horn for no reason. You have a bell if you ever feel like tapping it. Some people love it. Eli abused the shit out of it. Before I started my podcast, my niece brought that in here and was trying to talk into the microphone all shy and just banging the bell. It was really fun. So she's so cute, by the way. Thank you. Egg is wonderful. Having a niece is great. Having a niece is great. No beef with that. Um, except for she's kind of in her evil phase, which I it's this is. Yeah, she's a spossy. She just doesn't know that she's not the only person. No, she has a baby brother, which sometimes she hates.

SPEAKER_00 45:14

Oh yeah. My niece will like slap the shit out of my my baby niece. And it's so funny. She'll be like, oh, she's getting attention. She'll just whammo her. And it's like we'll be like, you can't do that, you know. So how old are they? Um, one just turned three. Okay. The other one just turned one. Okay. And then my sister-in-law is pregnant again. Oh, it's exciting. Yeah, and then my br my other brother, his fiance and him are pregnant again. Oh my god. He's not pregnant. She's pregnant. He's pregnant. And then they have a one-year-old. Cute. Yeah. And then they have like a I don't know how old he is, but it's like her from a previous marriage.

SPEAKER_01 45:51

Oh, wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 45:52

Like his stepson.

SPEAKER_01 45:53

Hell yeah. I love that so much. Lots of them though. Do you and Mel love being aunties?

SPEAKER_00 45:57

Yeah, and also Mel's sister-in-law is pregnant right now, too. So we have like three babies in our families combined on the way. I love it. Mel's niece is like the funniest girl. Like, she is so funny and she has such dark humor. Like, we were painting these ornaments for Christmas, and we were like, Yeah, Maya, we you can paint them any of these colors. And she was like, black. And she just like painted them black, and she was like, I love black. Black and purple. Those are my favorite colors. I love her. I love her. She's the best. That's so fun. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:27

She's like a cool goth bitch later in life.

SPEAKER_00 46:29

Oh, she's so cool. It's awesome. The worst part though is that she likes me way, way more than Mel. So like Mel will be able to like nap and shit on Christmas. And I'm like entertaining this child. Oh, and I love it. I love it, but I'm like, I need a minute. Like, yeah. But if you take a minute, she'll like get upset because she thinks you don't like her anymore. And I'm like, no, I love you.

SPEAKER_01 46:52

She's like gonna start her first my chemical romance journal. She's like, no, it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 46:56

Over me, like yeah. So she's like seven or eight now, so she's like cognizant of like reading a room a little more. Like she's understanding when people like she can tell when people don't like want to hang out with her. Yeah. Which sucks.

SPEAKER_01 47:10

Yeah, that is around the age where I remember feeling very neglected by my brothers because I could like tell they were like rolling their eyes and wanting to get away from me.

SPEAKER_00 47:17

Same. Having brothers. I have beef with having brothers.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

Oh my god, do I have the same beef?

SPEAKER_00 47:23

Okay, wait, so where are you in the lineup? I'm second youngest, but I have four brothers.

SPEAKER_01 47:28

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 47:28

Yeah, and my oldest brother is 46, and my youngest brother is 26.

SPEAKER_01 47:33

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 47:34

So there's like a 20-year span between us. That's crazy. Yeah, it's kind of fucking fucked up. Yeah. I'm kidding.

SPEAKER_01 47:42

My dad is 76 though. Okay. Okay. So it's kind of crazy. No, it makes sense. Um, no, that is a big gap. Um, the only girl. Yeah. That's I you know what, and I'm not trying to be like stereotypical at all, because it obviously can be different for a lot of people. But I definitely knowing that now, I'm like, oh, like I was raised by wolves, like literally no mom around, even.

SPEAKER_00 48:04

So like I think that made like, yeah, I can see that you're Yeah, I think that's probably what we have in common. Yes. Like, that's probably why we're fed up with boys connect. Because I do feel like like someone I was talking to someone at work the other day, and she was like, You got brothers. And I was like, How did you know? And she was like, I can tell. Wait. She's like, I got brothers. It's so funny. And I was like, That's so real. Because yeah, like it's like nothing can really hurt you when you have brothers. They're fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_01 48:36

They're fucking crazy, and it actually I think it maybe sets us up for like especially dealing with men in a restaurant. Oh, yeah. Like dead ass. I'm like, that is not how you talk to me. No, yeah. I ooh, I might have brought this up before, but my dear beautiful friend Becca taught me this. Um, she taught me how to bartend, or she taught me the cocktail side of things. I'd never been a cocktail person, I'd been in fucking dumb breweries forever and just like uh talking IPAs with a bunch of fucking losers. Yeah, same. But showboy taught me like classic cocktails and stuff, and she's just like beautiful and has blue eyes, and just like she's like an art, she's an artist, and like she is just so cool. But she taught me a thing uh while working at Land Grant together where men that wouldn't use manners, they'd be like, uh, you know, like stiff arm. And she's like, say please use your manners.

SPEAKER_00 49:24

Yeah, honestly.

SPEAKER_01 49:25

It feels so good.

SPEAKER_00 49:26

It really does. Yeah. Yeah. Um I would wear this job a lot to like when I used to lifeguard at a country club. I worked at two country clubs. That's crazy. But as a lifeguard at both? Well, uh the other one I was like 16, like lifeguarding at the Army Navy country club in um Arlington, Virginia, and it's like all um military people. I think you have to be military in order to like get a pass there or something, like or a membership. So anyway, like one time I saved this kid because he was like, I saw him just like disappear underwater and I was on break and the lifeguard on duty like started freaking out because they didn't really not good, they didn't really check to see if we like could swim, like or like lifeguard correctly. They just kind of like they were like, Oh, you have a lifeguard certification, but like some people were not equipped to be I'm literally like not breathing right now.

SPEAKER_01 50:24

I'm like so frustrated that is crazy.

SPEAKER_00 50:26

So and it like this kid was in like the nine feet or ten feet or something. So I ran down to the pool deck, like on my break. I like threw my chicken tenders at the wall, like ran down to the pool deck, picked him up like from the very bottom of the pool, like took him out. I almost did um like CPR on him and shit. Yeah, and um like he choked up a bunch of water, and then he was like, I I was still like I wasn't even drowning. And then his dad came over to me and was like, Didn't you tell my kid not to run on the pool deck just yesterday? And I was like, What the fuck? I just saved your child. Like wait, he was mad at you? Yeah, he was like telling me that I how am I gonna tell people not to run on the pool deck when I just ran on the pool deck to like save his drowning child?

SPEAKER_01 51:12

Shut the f so up. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I'm so yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:19

I'm beside myself right now. I was like a junior in high school, and then the And the kid was like, I'm fine. Yeah, the kid was literally like, I wasn't even drowning. What were you doing down there, you little freak? It was like choking on water, like it was crazy.

SPEAKER_02 51:31

And um like, all right, have fun, you throw them back in the fucking nine.

SPEAKER_00 51:34

Suck a dick. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't be telling a child to suck a dick, but hey, anyway, it was just like a metaphoric dick. We meant popsicle. A rock of uh rocket pop. Yeah, yeah, suck a pap. Yeah, but like, yeah, it was just it was insane. And then I remember my boss like scheduled me on the first day of my senior year of high school, and I was like, hey, can't make it. I have school that day. You know, school, yeah, you know, like required by the government for me to go. And he was like, What the hell? You're gonna have to find coverage, and I was like, No, you're a gun man. I'm a child, you're a gun next man. Literally, and then he called my mom and was like, Your daughter has the worst work ethic I've ever seen, and I would never have her back here. Did your mom called me the next year?

SPEAKER_01 52:20

Did you make him through the phone? What the fuck?

SPEAKER_00 52:23

He like called me the next year and was like, You want a job or what? And my mom was like, Do you cannot go back there? Oh, good for you. No, yeah. When he called her, she was like, I don't think you're talking you know who you're talking to. Like, do not speak to me that way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:36

I'm a mother of four boys. Yeah, and I will literally kick your ass. Okay, was um, oh, it was my question. Was this guy like 22?

SPEAKER_00 52:44

No, the boss, he was he was in his 70s and he like smelled like B.O. Like he was disgusting, and he was always like jumping into the pool, like in all his clothes, and like being like, I gotta meet with you, and like trapping you in the office, and it would smell like B.O. like so bad to the point where you thought you were gonna throw up. And then you'd come out and you'd be like, I think I smell now. Like this whole podcast is so on theme. It's so fucked. It's so we're starting with puke, we're ending with vomit. Look, puke, vomit, and BO. That's all I need. Oh my god. Those things are the same, but wait. Describe to me why he would jump in the pool with all of his clothes on. He just would be like, I'm hot, and he would just like jump in the pool. I'm picturing him like in a suit and tie. Maybe in like a pole, like a golf polo and like khakis and a belt and like pants like fresh shoes and shit.

SPEAKER_01 53:35

Picturing this man having a full conversation with you in like a dry outfit and then just tweaking out in the middle of a sentence that you're having, and he's like, I gotta cool down because I gotta cool down. Because you're like bringing up like emotions in his fucking heart or something, and or maybe he's like coming, you know what I mean? Like men that just can't deal with their emotions, so he has to throw himself in a cold bath of water.

SPEAKER_00 53:54

We'd also be on the chair for like five hours. That place needed to be shut down.

SPEAKER_01 53:59

Way too long. And do you think it's still operating?

SPEAKER_00 54:01

Yeah, it's like a big government pool, like country club, and they charge so much, it's like a hundred thousand dollars to fucking join. Like Northern Virginia is no joke. The way that they price things out there is fucking crazy. And then you remember you're just like, I'm in Virginia right now. That is crazy. Like it's fucked. What the fuck? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:20

Okay, well, I'm not trying to be mean, but the good news is that guy's probably dead. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 54:25

His name was Peter Carl. I'm gonna look him up. No, I literally I was like, Yeah, we should go.

SPEAKER_01 54:31

I'm hoping to find an obituary. Sorry, yeah, but he's what a dill hole. Peter Carl. Um Jules, you um so we talked a little bit about restaurants and stuff, obviously, and how much we hate men being mean to us in public. Um, but you were a flight attendant for a while. Yes. Do you have any specific flight attendant beefs you'd like to throw at us?

SPEAKER_00 54:51

Yeah, so I was a flight attendant during the COVID pandemic.

unknown 54:54

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 54:55

Um I don't know if you like I think I was really ta I mean, I think everyone was reading the news at that point and like tapped into what was going on with like the airlines, but I was obviously really tapped in because we got furloughed at first because people weren't flying, and then like people started flying all at the same time, so we all got brought back at the same time. Wicked. But the masks went on for like another year and a half, like after we got brought back from furlough. So like more than valid, by the way. Yeah, no, I have no beef with the mask. I did not give a fuck. The only beef I had actually was that it gave me acne really bad. And it was like cystic acne that I could not get rid of until recently. So terrible. So yeah, that's my only beef. But um, no, so like people were like punching flight attendants in the face because they were like you have to wear a mask. Like it's really high, so scary. And so everyone was like scared to go to work and shit, obviously. Like, and then there would be like some dude that you could not get to put a mask like on, and it was always a man, like it was always a man being like, I don't have to wear this, and I'm not vaccinated either. And it was like so fucking annoying because we could like we were taught to inform but not enforce. Okay, so it was always like you can you can tell them like that it's a it's a government mandated thing and to put it back on, but you can't like make them put it on. And then other passengers would be like, make them put on their mask, like I'm fucked up, I'm auto immune comp immune immunocompromised, and like this guy's not wearing his mask. And I'm like, no, I understand, and I'm frustrated too, but I'm not gonna argue with a grown man because I at the time was like a hundred pounds. Like, what the fuck am I gonna do?

SPEAKER_01 56:40

Dude, that's so fucked up.

SPEAKER_00 56:42

And it's always these crews, by the way, of like mostly women and maybe like one twink. So it's like, who the fuck is going to help us in these situations? Oh my god, that's funny. So yeah, I have beef with those people. I also have beef with people who don't wear shoes on planes. Ew, wow. Especially like no socks either. People go bare bowed. Oh, yeah. What? Yeah, and they'll take their whole toes out and like the they have like issues like with BO usually.

SPEAKER_01 57:09

Okay, here's my thing. When you're in an airport, like I have to have like socks on. Yeah. You're like taking your shoes off and shit half the time, you know? Like I don't want my feet exposed to dogs out. Yeah, I don't want my dogs out in a fucking nasty ass public place like that.

SPEAKER_00 57:22

Yeah, and they also like will go to the bathroom with no shoes on, and I'm like, by the way, that shit on the floor is not water. Like, just so you know, because people just miss all the time. There's like piss all over the floor. If you took a black light to that bitch, like it's plane, insane literal piss plane. Man, that might be the title. Piss plane. Piss plane. Also, people, I have so many, like people who um oh I love it. Please. I will say people who fart on the plane like deserve jail because it just bounces around, like it doesn't go anywhere. Can't and like, yeah, so like every time I had to fart, which was like often because I was traveling and eating like airport food a lot and like McDonald's and like fast food and shit, I had to fart all the time. Yeah, and so I would just like open the door to the bathroom, fart and shut it. And like the fart closet, people would go in there, like, oh my god, it smells like shit in here.

SPEAKER_01 58:13

I'm like, Yep, yeah, the last guy in there must have been Earl.

SPEAKER_00 58:16

I saw that guy had Chipotle in the airport. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. That's incredible. And just like people who just like they'll give you their trash when you're clearly in the middle of something, like or like the trash can's full, you're like changing the bag and they're like, I have more trash for you, and you're like, Do you think I'm fucking like how am I supposed where am I supposed to put it, you idiot? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 58:40

No, that's a whole another level of that. I haven't really I'm really excited that you mentioned that earlier that you wanted to bring these beefs up because I haven't had anyone else on that's done that job. Um, how long did you do that for?

SPEAKER_00 58:52

I did it for four years.

SPEAKER_01 58:54

Wow, yeah, four years.

SPEAKER_00 58:56

And also I have beef with every single fucking airline. Okay, interesting. You I actually I won't say who I work for because they do be trying to sue me. Oh, and they tried to get me to sign an NDA. And because I got fired. LOL. LOL, fuck 'em. Yeah. And then Okay, so t they yeah, so I got fired and it was like a whole crew, like the whole crew got fired because we like didn't show up for a flight because they didn't call us for the flight.

SPEAKER_01 59:20

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 59:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:21

So no, no, Jules, I understand. That is on you guys.

SPEAKER_00 59:24

Yeah, and then they like wanted me to do all this mediation for me to get my job back, and I was just like, I have a whole new life. Like, this is a year after I've gotten fired. Like, I'm not flying out to Chicago every time you guys need to do a mediation. Like, I'm busy, you know. Oh my god, they tried to get you guys to sign all of you to sign it. I don't know if they got the other ones to sign it because like we're I don't think we like that kind of situation will really like tear people apart. Like, oh sure. So and fuck, yeah, so it was kind of I think it was kind of my fault in the way that like I I worked for the union and so I knew what our rights were, and I was like, if like it's already past the point of them trying to call you, so if they try to call you, like don't pick up the phone because it's not it's past that point, and legally they can't call you anymore. And they were like mostly newer, so like they listened to me, and then like no one has ever gotten fired for that until that happened. So, and everyone got their jobs back except for me, because I was like, I went to a mediation and I was like, here's everything the fuck you need to know. Yeah, because I would I didn't care, I didn't want my job back. Yeah, fucking. So it'd been four years of me like struggling financially and like not having a life and barely seeing my dog and shit. So I was like, I don't really care anymore. This is like past what I want to do. Like, I don't I think the like the universe it was literally my thermons burning down, like not to be traumatic.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:50

No, that that is huge.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:51

But it was like if I had not gotten fired, I would still be doing that shit job and I would be so upset and like anxious and stressed out all the time. They would call me in the middle of the night at like three in the morning and be like, you have to be at the airport in three hours. Get the fuck up. And I could never fall asleep because I was always worried I wasn't gonna hear my phone. Yeah. And um, yeah, they were fucked up about me being sick. Like I got cancer at the end.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:16

And they like wouldn't approve my FMLA, and then like I was missing a lot of work for it, and then yeah, my supervisor was like trying to talk to me about it, and I was like, I don't have to talk to you about this because it's medical related, and I never have to tell you why I have a sick call. I knew all the rules, and that contract was crazy.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:32

I bet they fucking were so intimidated by you, and I love that. I'm so sorry you had to go through that because like obviously I can't even imagine, but like I know a few friends that do that job in like that added level of like be you being sick and stuff and not feeling like you are allowed to prioritize your own health is some fucking bullshit.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:53

Yeah, imagine being on a plane when you're doing chemo. No, that's like the worst place to fucking be. Oh my and I did it for like a month, and I was like, I'm throwing up all the time, like I can barely stand, like I can't do this. I'm like losing my hair. But also, um I just remember like I was like, I think I'm gonna get I think I'm gonna get fired. And like I did, and it was like right after my birthday. Wow. And I felt this like relief. Like I was like upset, but then I was like, oh my god, I can smoke weed. Like I'm free. Yeah, I'm free. And like those kind of jobs, like they want people who are really dumb, or like not really dumb, but like they want people who will roll over. They don't want people who will call them out when they fuck up. Like they want people who are scared of them. And in my mediation meeting, after I gave like my typed up statement of like, this is why I think you should give them their jobs back. Like, I be I think I'm the reason I got their jobs back.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:50

You're so wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:52

Oh, that's so I think I'm also the reason why they got fired. Okay, whatever. Because if they had just gone and like done the flight, but I would never do that. Right. I was like, you can do whatever you want to do, but by the book. By the book, you don't have to do that and you shouldn't.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:08

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:09

And so, anyways, they listened to me because I have an authoritative voice. I'm like, I sound like a person of authority. But yeah, during my mediation meeting, the literal fucking like CFO of this airline got on the call. It was like a Zoom call. You couldn't record it, you couldn't like there was only like a note taker, or I got a company appointed lawyer, but they're paid by the company, so it's like they're not on your side. No, they're like not really gonna fight for you. So anyway, they're getting paid either way. So anyway, um, in that meeting though, the CFO was like, I just looked at your resume, you're fucking stupid. You've never like this is your first fucking job. You were a fucking bartender before this, and you didn't even graduate college, you're a college dropout. What are you gonna do? Go work at Starbucks, literally said that to me. Talk to me like a told me I was a fucking idiot. I'm never gonna get another job. I'm never gonna like no one is ever gonna see anything in me because I'm this like fucking idiot, dumb girl. Like, it was fucking crazy. It went on for like 30 minutes.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:10

This is the third time in the podcast that Jules has made me literally speechless. Like, like I wanna fight people.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:16

I was sitting there that is so like just and I couldn't talk back because he would not shut the fuck up, by the way.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:23

Like, first of all, he wouldn't shut up.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:25

He just kept going. This sounds like a man projecting.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:27

That motherfucker sounds like my ex. Like, look.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:29

If it was me, now I'd be like, okay, obsessed with me. I love and looked me up everywhere, crazy. Yeah. Sicko. Oh my god. Yeah, I just like and then he got off the call and then there was like a Oh, and this was over the phone. It was on Zoom. He wasn't even in the meeting. Oh my god. And then there was like another company appointed person. I think he was like just the headquarter guy or something. And as soon as that guy got off, and that guy got back on the call, and like a CFO was like nowhere in sight off the call forever. That guy was like, You need to fucking get out of here as fast as you can and run because you are so smart. That guy does not know what he's talking about. Like he's mad that you you found a loophole and and like you were right, and he's mad, and like you need to run away from here as fast as you fucking can because you are way too good to be at this job.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:23

And we love him.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:24

And like genuinely, I think of him sometimes when I bomb. Like I'm like, I love that guy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:32

Thank you, live audience. Oh my god. No, that that's thank God for him in that moment too, because to be talked to, I mean, and you're young, dude. I imagine you're probably what I was at this age twenty five. Yeah. Yeah. Like that and I imagine this was a grown ass fucking man. Oh, he was like fifty or sixty, like go fucking home to your wife and let her pour him your body pop in.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:56

And like yeah, I I hope that guy has diarrhea the rest of his fucking life.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:00

You know what though? Same. Also though, I'm like, they really did me such a favor because if I had never quit or gotten fired, lol, I tell people I quit all the time because I'm like, I don't want to get into all this.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:12

Yeah, I it's fine.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:13

Like mostly just coworkers and shit. I'm like, I quit. No, I don't, I I got fired for sure. But um if I had never gotten fired from that job, I would have never done stand-up because like they track your social media. There's like a room in their headquarters, like a big ass room of people on computers just like looking up flight attendant's social media.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:34

What?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:35

Because they're like, you're a brand and you're representing the brand, and it's like dude, they're paying us like barely anything. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like we're allowed to be people. What the fuck? I'm like, why do you guys have stricter rules in like my sorority? Like, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:51

Straight up. I just remember like it's when you're first trying to get your first bar job and stuff, and you're like moving into the city, and like the ads that you see, and they're like, you have to have 5,000 followers, and you have to send us a headshot of your butthole, and you're like, Hold on. Yeah. You're like, I just want to make us some money on the side. Like, what the fuck? Yeah, you have to be like wicked hot to work there type shit. And like, oh my god, that's so fucked up.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:11

It was also like the longest interview process ever. Like, and they like it's a waste of time, like really, because they will genuinely kind of hire anyone.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:20

But like, well, now they do. Back then it was kind of hard. Like, I had like a hundred people in my interviewing class, and I think maybe like four of us got a job. Wow. Yeah. And it was just because I was like addicted to researching like everything on Glassdoor, everything on YouTube, everything on the internet. Yeah. And I just said exactly what they wanted to hear. Super property. None of that shit was true. Yeah. Yeah. And that's why I should have never worked there, to be honest.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:44

No, but what a crazy fucking experience. Um, I'm sure it made you like tougher skinned for like stand-up, honestly, and fucking also like just, you know, serving and bartending now. Like, yeah. Yeah, because I can't imagine sky people. And I always say that like one of my biggest qualms with like the customer service that we do in the industry is that people are meaner when they're hungry. They can't control their emotions as well, especially if they're like an unregulated person that like doesn't go to therapy, like, and they take it out on people, on strangers, and I think that's absolutely so fucked up and so deranged. So, um yeah. Anyway, Jules, this has been a pleasure. Um, I could talk to you for like another hour. I know we could. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:26

I've been yapping this whole time. No, that is. Like, let me trauma dump about this fucking airline.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:31

No, I'm so so happy that you did. Like, I did not realize like that whole dynamic of how they hire and like I mean, low-key abuse and like monitor you. That's fucking crazy. Um, but I would love to have you back. I'd love to have you back with Mel. Hell yeah. Talk frogs, be silly. Do you have any shows that you know of that are coming up as it is the 4th of July weekend?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:52

Sorry. I don't mind this again. Mike. I am doing a show at the Columbus Comedy Festival with um Nina West. Fuck yes. Oh my god. Nina West. It's a theater show. So I'm really excited about that. And my good friend Gwen Rose is gonna be on it from Chicago. And I love her so much. Can't wait. And I can't remember if anyone else and there will be other people. I just don't know who they are.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:19

Oh my god! And that's this August, I believe. I think it's the last weekend of August. Oh my god, Jules, that's gonna be freaking killer. I'm pumped. Okay, great. Well, I'm hoping to go watch that show because that'd be lovely. Um, do you have anything else you want to say? No, I love you. Thanks for having me. Oh my god. No, I love you. I'm glad our little ADHD minds finally found a day. Thank you for checking in um making this happen. It's been a pleasure. Um, yeah, I appreciate you so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:45

Period.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:45

Period.