When Holding Space for Yourself Is All You Can Hold...

Overwhelmed, overstimulated, and still trying to show up for everyone — sound familiar?

In this episode, Bryce and Liz get into what happens to your relationships, your body, and your sense of self when too many big things happen at the same time. Liz breaks out in hives. Bryce comes home from a trip carrying more than he expected. And together they unpack what it actually takes to let people check in on you — and why that's harder than it sounds.

Topics include: the difference between checking in and checking on, what the reticular activating system has to do with healing, parenting an adult child while still figuring out your own father, and why learning that "you were never safe" can actually bring relief when you're finally ready to hear it.

Real talk. No framework. Just two friends figuring it out in public.

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About Liz McKean: Liz is a hypnotherapist, yoga teacher, and creator of spaces where people can unshame their coping tools and finally feel better.

About Bryce The Third: When it comes to the most authentic and impactful voices rising out of Detroit, Michigan, Bryce The Third is a name you can’t afford to leave out. Not just an artist, he’s an emotional engineer with a live show that a mix of performance art, storytelling, high level lyricism and community building. Not only does Bryce have a story to tell, when you witness it, you’ll wanna tell yours 

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More about Liz → lizmckean.com

Follow Liz on Instagram → @liz.mckean

More about Bryce → BryceTheThird.com

Follow Bryce on Instagram → @brycethethird

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

I got some people in my life that if I don't hear from them for a few days, I'm like, ah, let me just, you know, ping them and just check in and say, hey. But when I hit you up and you didn't hit me back, I had already hit that limit of like, damn, I haven't heard from Liz in a minute. I just remembered that I called you and I hadn't heard back. And so I sent a little eyes emoji. Depending on the context, depending on the individual, the eyes emoji could be a fucking annoying thing. Like, bro, like I didn't hit you great.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Actually, by the time you would reach out again, I was then, what was it like eight o'clock at night? I'm in urgent care because I had broken out knives.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

And I was like, I'm having a physical reaction to all these things, but I also feel fine.

SPEAKER_04 0:40

Like digging into, you know, family therapy, where this year was the first time that I heard from every member of my family, like that we all agreed that Bryce was never safe. What up, my friends, and welcome to The Friend Lab. We're your host and good friends, Bryce the Third.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

And Liz McKean. And if you're here, you're here to cook up some friendship.

SPEAKER_04 0:57

We know that it's hard to make friends, and it could be a challenge to keep friends and be a friend. So building connections in your life is something that you're looking to get better at. You're in the right place.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Friendship and connection and relationships of all kinds are the best kind of challenge. It's the thing that makes being a person worth being a person. We're excited to share our friendship with you.

SPEAKER_04 1:14

So throw your lab codes on and let's get this experiment jump in the friend lab. In the friend lab. What up, everybody, and welcome to uh yet another episode of the Friend Lab. We are your host, Bryce the Third.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

And McKee.

SPEAKER_04 1:27

Yeah, so we was just gonna catch up offline, but then I was like, hey, this is the Friend Lab. Y'all the friends, y'all the homies, y'all, y'all, y'all are part of the buddyhood. Speaking of which, before we even start this episode, if you don't mind, take the opportunity and go and subscribe to the podcast, man. You're already here. You're listening. You are part of the buddyhood. You might as well subscribe to the podcast. So go subscribe and go to the other places on the internet and do the thing, the clickety-click, whether it's the thumbs up or the subscribe or the comment or the review that bring this thing to the top so that people can find a podcast about adult friendship.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

There are hearts and stars to click, click them.

SPEAKER_04 2:06

Mm-hmm. Yeah, man. Wow. Creating things, being an entrepreneur, while being a human, while maintaining our friendships.

SPEAKER_03 2:14

Who Liz said before 50% of it?

SPEAKER_04 2:17

Liz said before we recorded that uh she has been super duper busy and she asked for it, but she forgot what it feels like. And so, no. Here we are on the friend lab having a conversation around friendship, uh practicing our friendship in public while also being full-blown entrepreneurs and human beings who move halfway across the country amidst doing all of these things. So, with that being said, how is your energy, Liz? I mean, you're you're podcasting on a box right now. I'm just I'm just trying to, you know, check in with you.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

I am. Yeah. Upon boxes that need to be unpacked. I am in the closet. But actually, this is probably just gonna be where I podcast. I love it. This is incredibly peaceful and quiet. Um yeah, my energy is high, like energized. I feel energized, which is exciting. What I was saying to you, I actually don't know what I said to you before you hit record because you just hit record at some point. And I was like, are we?

SPEAKER_04 3:19

I'm gonna tell you this. I was already recording. Whenever you say whatever you said, I have been press recorder.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

So I need to pay better attention to these things.

SPEAKER_04 3:27

Stay ready so you ain't gotta get ready. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 3:29

I mean, luckily, this podcast is just us being us and talking to each other, so there's no it's there's no difference between the pre pre-record button and post, except for sometimes I express surprise post hip hitting a record button. Anyway, I feel energized. Um, also I'm using your uh little trick that doesn't always work for me, but it's actually working right now. That is, you know, okay, this is excitement. This is yes, this feels like anxiety, and there is anxiety because I'm a person who has anxiety, and that's just part of who I am, and I love all of that part of me. Um, but it's also like it's this is like you said, I asked for this and I and I wanted this, and I had a few years of kind of recalibrating and slowing down, and I'm definitely not trying to amp up to the level that I was before where I felt kind of out of control of my own schedule and life, but I have a lot of things happening, a lot of balls in the air, a lot of people relying on me for different things in very like different ways, and and it's it's genuinely exciting. And I think it feels a little more I mean it just feels a little more stressful right now. That's just it's okay for that to be true. Um, because we did just get here, and I my husband just got here. I was here for a week before.

SPEAKER_04 4:49

Where did you just get? Because you know, some people don't even know where we're in Tampa.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

I'm in Tampa in my closet. Um and yeah, we lived here for eight years, moved back to Rochester, where we're from, New York, and then moved back to Tampa about a week ago. And that is where I am right now. And it's exciting, and my workload has changed. One of the reasons we came down here is because there's opportunities to for more people to work with, and um husbands working from home for the first time. So us both being around more is um yeah, it's it's new. I was gonna say exciting, but then I was like, I need more. It's the I just used that word too many times. It is everything feels exciting, which it's like when everything feels like amped, it is it's a very important practice to like balance and pause and sometimes sit in the closet and talk to your friend.

SPEAKER_04 5:45

That's a lot of that's a lot of changes. It's a lot of changes, it's a lot of adjustment, it's a lot to feel. If you're a Philly person like me, which I I know you are, Liz, but sometimes so many new things are going on at the same time that I can't untangle the individual experiences. You know, like like my partner working from home for the first time is an experience in itself. Add on top of that, I just moved halfway across the country. Add on top of that, I've leaned into like my individual entrepreneurship. Add on top of that, like I'm, you know, uh recultivating uh friendships in in a proc a proximity way where now I'm closer to people that I haven't been close to in a minute. Add that on top of the fact that you you know, like I'm farther than from people that I've been able to do. So now in the grief, well not necessarily grief, but just like the adjustment of like being farther from people that I've been closer to for a long time, including, you know, mom and dad, you know. So I would imagine just one of those experiences being something like, hey, let me, I gotta sit and kind of integrate this, but to have them all at the same time, I think like for me, I was calling it disassociation, which I think to a degree there is like a level of like, I don't wanna be in this all the way right now, because like to feel all of the emotions for this thing is like gonna incapacitate me in a way that like I just can't be right now. And if I have the ability to like not be over consumed with all those heavy emotions as somebody in recovery without getting eye, like uh take it, whatever. Put the wall up for a second, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03 7:39

Yeah, it's a it's a tool.

SPEAKER_04 7:41

Yeah, but but it's not all the way disassociation. I think it's just like when you put a taki and a gummy beer on top of ice cream mixed with sprinkles and a cheese stick, it's like it's too much going on. Like I can't even taste the one, you know what I'm saying? Like it's too many things going on. So it's like I literally will just my taste buds will blow out, you know? But but also like I don't wanna use the word blowout because that feels like it is a negative effect of the experience when all actuality is just like this is what helps me cope, especially when there's a lot of things going on, like there's a thing that goes on internally where it's like, yeah, I understand that there's individual things to unravel, and like I'm okay amidst it. And if I need to deploy tools, like how you're how you saying, like, you know, recognizing that this thing kind of feels like anxiety, but it's actually, you know, uh excitement. And also, like I know me, I deal with anxiety. So it is a bit of anxiety, like you know, being able to show up for ourselves amidst the experience in a way that feels real and authentic. Like, oh no, all those things could happen at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for saying that. I and well, and and yesterday when you you had called me and I was in the middle of something and then just, you know, didn't really have time to take a breath all day. And then by the time you had reached out again, I was then, what was it like eight o'clock at night? I'm in urgent care because I had broken out in hives.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

And I was like, I'm having a physical reaction to all these things.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

But I also feel fine. I'm just very itchy. Um, but I think that is an example of like let it just is what it is, you know, and like my body has reacted that way before to stressful things. And the lesson that I learned, I said this last night to Billy before I went to urgent care. I was like, okay, there is a big part of my brain that wants to be like, you know, take some Benadryl, go to bed, like hope it goes away tomorrow. But I said that last night. And like in the past, I have waited so long to get, you know, usually I have to like get steroids or something. And like, and and I'm not gonna do that. So yes, it's late. Yes, it's been a busy day. Yes, I have more things to do, but you know what? I'm gonna take care of this. I'm gonna go get taken care of. And, you know, the today, like, like making sure that we had this, had the ability to I had to reschedule our recording time, but like I know how important it is to have this time with you, like whether it's on the mic or off the mic. Like I'm so fortunate to have people in my life that I can just be like, hey, all these things are happening, and to have reflected back at me like those are a lot of fucking things, Liz. You know what I mean? Like that's really, really helpful. Because then it reminds me, you know, especially I think as somebody who has experienced anxiety in my life forever and ever, amen. Sometimes I really need the reminder that like these are all very stressful things. Like the way you're feeling, of course you're feeling that way, as opposed to like it's part of the crazy, you know. It's like, no, this is it's okay to feel this way, it's okay for this to be true, it's okay for it to feel hard, it's okay. And that allows me to move through it and like you said, like and use and use the tools and be okay amidst the stuff that is a lot, you know, and I it's not gonna always feel it's not gonna always be all the stuff at once, so it's gonna be okay. And I'm so grateful for my friends and family who I can be like, oh my god, these things are happening, and they can be like, Yeah, that's a lot of things.

SPEAKER_04 11:13

No. It's a it's a privilege to be able to practice friendship. It's it's a it's a privilege to have somebody that is uh uh doing the dance of being a friend with you, and and we're all so different, which leads me to asking you uh live here on camera, how did you feel? Because when I so I hit you up because I got some people in my life, there's like maybe maybe a handful of half, handful and a half people that if I don't hear from them for a few days, I'm like, ah, let me just, you know, ping them and just check in and say, hey. Um, but when I hit you up and you didn't hit me back, I had already hit that limit of like, damn, I haven't heard from Liz in a minute. And then in that day when I caught, and I just remembered that I called you and I hadn't heard back. And so I sent a little eyes emoji. Now, depending on the context, depending on the individual, the eyes emoji could be a fucking annoying thing. Like, bro, like I I didn't hit you greatly.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

I could be like, Where are you? Are you watching me?

SPEAKER_04 12:31

And in the context of our relationship, uh, and I think it was this podcast, I'm sure it was the friend lab. Um, but we had that conversation around like checking in versus checking on. And I know that like you're sensitive or you have previously been sensitive to like being checked on because of like the connotation that is held and the experience that you've had with like people checking on you. You had you being the person that people have to check on, Liz, are you okay? Are you okay? You know? And then um also my relationship with like checking in, like that's a that's a way to express like love, care, and just like, hey, damn, like I ain't really want shit. I was just like, hey, hi, hi, okay, bye. You know? Um, and so how did it feel that I double contacted you uh yesterday?

SPEAKER_02 13:18

I was so I was so glad you did. Actually, when you called me and I was in, I was in, was I in a meeting? I was something that I couldn't have answered even if I well, of course I wanted to, but I couldn't answer. But I did see that the call came through. I was like, damn it, he called me first. Because I literally had was like, this this was a day that I was like, all right, I have to call Bryce. Like it has been too many days since I've talked to Bryce. And I I wanted to call you before you called me because, well, because I miss you and want to talk to you, and because I also know that's important to you. And so I was like, damn it, he called me first. And I was like, that's right, I'm gonna call him as soon as I'm done with this thing. He did. And then the the thing ended up crashing into the next thing, and then there were a few things that I just had no control over that happened throughout the day. And then I but I was so glad that you sent me that message. Like I said, I was just sitting in urgent care, like waiting for the doctor to come in or whatever. Um, and yeah, there there are some people that that would have felt like you know, uh toe tapping or like pointing at the wall, you know what I mean? Like the hello, like, are you there? Like, oh my god, you know. And for I I just know you better than that. And I know, and and I was like, Oh my god, that's right, I think I'm talking to Prize, you know. So I was so glad to have a a reminder to text I couldn't talk again, but it was just good to be able to check in because I yeah. That and that's that's our friendship that because I am sensitive to that. And that is because we've had the conversation about it. And yeah, so thank you for checking in and checking on.

SPEAKER_04 14:49

Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome. Thank you for being somebody that I want to check in and check on. And and when you say that's our like friendship, I feel like when you cultivate a relationship, whatever that relationship may be, be it professional, be it like um uh uh like romantic, be it just be it intimate, be it like there's a language that has to be cultivated specific to you all, not uh uh a reflection of relationships previous or even relationships outside of this one. But like to truly see somebody that you that you rocking with, you got it's like a language, you know. Like I wouldn't even double double tap my mom because also I know my mom is not great at texts. You know? Uh uh also like I'm just gonna call her again if I really need her, and if uh and I know she'll get back to me when she does. And when she calls me and she asks me, where am I? and asks me a whole bunch of questions that mean nothing. You know what I'm saying? And then like rushes to get off the phone before I could even ask her a question. I don't feel how I would feel if that was somebody else, because I know that's how my mom shows up sometimes. You know, and I know in embedded in that, it's like the love and care that she has for me. And I don't think she does that for anybody else, even if I'm annoyed by it sometimes, you know. And I'm not saying nothing on on public radio that I wouldn't say to her face because we're in therapy. So I say those things to her. But, you know, that's our language, you know. So and that's why I wanted to check in, because you and I, our language is still is continually, and all language is continually evolving, but I don't think I'm like double like, hey, like you you straight, you good, you know. Uh so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

Yeah. Well, and it's also a it was a wacky couple of weeks for both of us, because like, you know, I'm it's I'm doing all the moving da-da. But like you spent the whole week in the madness of little girl dancing in the woods, right?

SPEAKER_04 16:54

Not only was it uh madness of that, because really and truly her schedule wasn't even really crazy. It was, I think it was more, it was a lot of other things, like being away.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

Mm-hmm. And also like a long time.

SPEAKER_04 17:09

Yeah, yeah, it was a long time. Uh being away, showing up for my kids, maintaining the hard posture that allows for me to allow them to be who they are. You know, uh I I got I wish I could I'm not about to run to the curse in the car right now, but my son actually wrote me a letter at at the end of the trip. And I'll read it to you offline because you got and maybe if uh I'm reminded for the next episode, I'll read it to you all. But it was just it was like, hey dad, you know, I appreciate you inviting me out here. I I felt like this was an opportunity for me to be a human, and like I I thank you for thinking of me, and I really appreciate you. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I really like I really appreciated it, and you there were some things that were going on with me that were kind of it's been a minute since I spent that much time with him. And so there was a couple of I don't even know how to like transmute it into words right now, but there was a couple of moments where like I started to like say something, but I was like, nah. You know, like, like, hey man, hey, you know, because he's got like 30 different gaming devices. So he might open a the Nintendo DS, and then he might open a switch, and then he might open a laptop, and then he might open a phone. And then and so there was a couple of times where I was like, hey man, you know, like be here, you know, like look like look up, you know. But then I just practiced being here. And then he would look up and be like, damn, look at the mountains. You know? Um and there was a lot of other things that I considered too, because I know that he he got it coming from all fronts. He'll be 21 this year. And you know, I think we all are just trying to untangle what it means to like be a human being, you you know. And I know he's got like a couple of relationships like with family where it's like, well, well, what are you doing? Well, what are you gonna do? Well, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 18:57

Well, he's getting the double taps and a different energy.

SPEAKER_04 19:00

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so I just, you know, I wanted this to be not that for both of us. Because I got my own shit that like, you know, I'm trying to understand, like to to jump out of the pool and like feel what it's like to be out of the water was good for me too.

unknown 19:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:17

You know, and so the reason I invited him was not so, and I the part of the heart posture was like, hey, Bryce, talking to myself, like I you have the propensity to show up and be like, oh, this is bonding time. This is time for us to catch up. We haven't caught up, we don't we don't even know each other, it's time to get to know each other, dah dah dah da. And that is gonna be fucking annoying. Like, so don't do that. Even though he said yeah, and he's here, and that in itself is an opportunity for like some type of resonance. So allow for that to be what it is. And you know, I mean, you know, the handwritten note, I I think is an indication that uh, you know, maybe it maybe it worked out.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

I love that. Yeah. I mean, I I as you know, and most of our listeners probably know, but new listeners, hello buddy hood. Um, I don't have kids. I have furry babies that I treat like my children, but like I I don't have kids and and you know, I've certainly been around like my you know my sister's kids and everything, but like to have an adult child, like what a different experience. And yeah, just to kind of watch you navigate that has been um I'm in awe of you. And when when I we did a FaceTime and you were like, Look who's here, and he came on screen, I was like, Oh my god. I was like we're clumped. Like it was such a I was so happy that you were together there. And also, and then your daughter like freaking crushed it at the competition. So to have like both of you there had to be just beyond special. And I don't know, I just think those are the things that you know you don't forget. The kids don't, you don't, and yeah, you're just you're a great dad, Bryce.

SPEAKER_04 21:04

Well, thank you, Lish. Uh and and genuinely, sometimes I think those responses are automatic because I think it was loaded in there. You heard how I just said it. Well, thank you, Liz. But like genuinely, like like thank you, you know, because it's a lot. There's a lot that goes into it. You know, I'm in therapy now, and you know, one of the things that we've uncovered is like there's a couple of things. One is like, you know, you are unparenting, you are reparenting yourself while learning to parent your kids in a way to where you don't even have a rule book for. Like, and and not like somebody whose dad was in their lives has a rule book, because there is no rule book. Every human is different, but I'm literally pulling from fucking nothing. You know? Uh not not even fucking nothing, but maybe like I'm learning to show up for my dad right now, currently. So not only am I like working to be a dad, but like I'm showing up for my dad in a way to where I feel like I wish my I wish their a father figure would show up for me while I'm showing up for my kids. You know, it's it's fucking weird. While like, you know, my grandparents, like my, my, my papa, who, you know, I've all if we're to look at like an elder or like a a male role model that's been consistent, you know, in all the flaws and all the good, like it's him, like he uh he's closer to the way out than I I am if we're talking about like the natural cause of things. But, you know, him and my G Ma in and out the hospital, my G Ma, she not, she not doing too hot right now. And I I popped in there yesterday and, you know, just so it's a lot going on. You know, and even for me, like to realize like, oh, that's your parents talking about my daddy and to show up for him in a way that I know he doesn't consider me. You know, like when I split up in my relationship that I was in for forever, like one of the first per people he called was like my ex. He didn't call me, you know? And and and so it's it's like learning learning to navigate. We this is a podcast about relationships and and you know friendships, but like relationships in general. And I think like the difference between us and ants. And I don't even want to say that because I ain't never been an ant. I don't know what the fuck they're going through. But it's like we learn more about life the more that we show up for other humans.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:36

We learn more about life about ourselves about what it means to be human. And think about books. Like ants don't write books. I also again I'm not an ant so I've never like I mean that's a pretty good assumption though. I mean there may be like ant scribes on the leaves that I just can't read because my eyes are too big. I d I don't know who knows. But like there's we literally through gen I've learned from people who died before I was born.

SPEAKER_03 24:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:03

Like why do we do this? Because we have this innate desire to connect because what is life what does life mean if it isn't for the relationships that we have the relationships that we contribute to the real the relationships that grow us the relationships that show us what it is that we don't want to be. That's why we created the friend lab because this is a topic that's never going to get up.

SPEAKER_02 24:28

Right. Yeah and it's it's so it's so interesting because you know our last podcast that we did together that we referenced on this show before was Rise, Recover Live and it was all recovery stories. And I feel like we did I'm just gonna give ourselves our our what's it our gold stars or whatever. Like I think we did a good job of not framing it as a before and after like we were broken and now we're fixed. Like no that is not how recovery goes that's not how life goes etc but there is an element of a before and after when sorry that my that was like super Rochester accent. We're after after I'm noticing it now because people are pointing it out because I'm like oh yeah it's been the last few years in there. It's amazing how the way you speak changes based on like where you are and who you're around. Anyway, there is an element of that when you're talking about such a specific life experience of you know substance use and recovery, even the word recovery is indicative of like there was a pre-recovery and a post-recovery and we all know that in real life there's so much nuance to that. But again, you know, just to step back like zoom out there is an element of that whereas the friend lab, it's not like there's a before relationships and after relationships. Like it's all like we are we're recording from the messy middle but like there's nothing but messy middle when it comes to I think relationships. It's just it's just life like and it starts from the time it starts to the time it ends and and and that's the best thing about it and also the hardest thing about it. So yeah, we will never run out of stories because it's just we're just doing it.

SPEAKER_04 26:01

Yeah I mean and since you asked members of the buddyhood, I I think it's also that's also indicative of you, your journey and my journey. I know I could specifically speak from my journey because even in my recovery recently like I've I've had some opportunity to reconcile you, you know, ways in which I thought it was like I I come from here but I made it to here and this is where I am and this is my baseline. Like that's been challenged you know like I'm back in the hood. You know I'm back in the hood. I'm at my mama's house you know I'm saying and not in a way to where like oh you know I was in a mansion and I went broke and now I'm back in the neighborhood but in a way to where it's like why did I try to run from this you know why was I why was I ashamed of this? Why you know and because in recovery like hey I came to I came back to the hood like people were dying you know I got guns pulled on to the back of my head by the police when I didn't even do anything in my own driveway. Like I literally had to like put a wall between me and it maybe this is full circle because what I was just talking about that thing that's not necessarily disassociation, but it was just like I can't look at that right now. You know? And then I got to a place spiritually to where like now I had the capacity to look at it and kind of untangle some of those things. And professionally like now my work is like rooted here. You know and and and that's led me to the neighborhood that's led me to look at where it is that I've come from going to therapy has led me to look where where it is that I've come from and some of the things that were just like kind of like monsters. Don't talk to me about you know the man or the a system or like I can't hear anything about that because I have to be empowered and I have to like find where that empowerment is and I get talking to you is just gonna like bring me down. You know? And it's like it's it's a little bit more nuanced than that. As a matter of fact, considering some of those things like digging into you know family therapy where this year was the first time that I heard from every member of my family like that we all agreed that Bryce was never safe. We all agree Bryce was never safe. You know and to hear that it's like whereas day one in recovery I'd have been like well what's the point of continuing recovery? I'm not safe you know versus now where it's like I have a lot of context, I have a lot of experience. I can handle the spectrum that comes with life of experience it's like that actually brings a bit of ease and relief because it's like here I am running and I'm feeling like I'm not going as fast as them over there. And I'm like there's something wrong with my feet, you know, something wrong with my legs, something wrong with my heart, you know, but in all actuality like no bro like something was wrong with your shoes. You the shoes you was given like weren't the same as them shoes over there. And it's like oh and it brings a bit of peace and it's like yeah I'm still going where I'm going. Matter of fact I'm probably gonna go farther because I I built up the the ability to be resilient. I built up the ability to be innovative I built built up the ability to leverage in a way that people who don't come from where I come from can't. Yeah. But also like it now it is starting to feel really real. It's feeling authentic because it's like mine. I'm not every time I drive drive past my neighborhood I'm not putting this this up like I like don't look at me I won't look at you this never happened. Like no I'm from the hood it is what it is.

unknown 29:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:30

Matter of fact I'm better for it you know so yeah it makes me think of um all right I might misuse some of these terms so buddy hood those of you who are scientists forgive me um okay so you know you've heard of like the reticular activating system right I feel like that's like talked about way more now than it used to be. I'm gonna tell you what it is I might misrepresent it. So that's the thing where like you I feel like the red car is the thing that everybody always talks about when they talk about this. Like if you suddenly decide you're gonna like yeah suddenly you decide you want to buy this like red car and you're like man I just feel like I don't see those very often but now that it's on your mind every time you drive you're like there are these freaking red cars everywhere. You know it's just you're noticing it. It doesn't mean there's more red cars. It just means now the part of you that just allowed everything to kind of be in the background because you can't notice everything. But the thing is your brain is noticing everything it just we have incredibly smart brains like smarter than we are the part of us that's using it. And so like it's it's filtering out the things that you don't really need. And it's so cool. Like we could just go down a whole rabbit hole there. But it's similar to like your literal sensations. And also you know I you think about I'm thinking about like the people that I used to work with um I used to be a nurse for like group homes of adults with developmental disabilities and the people with really severe um types of autism like that just they could feel everything and notice everything like that sensory overload that I think a lot of us have noticed that we you know have like those of us that are in like kind of like the neurodivergent area people that have that really severely it's one of the reasons you know they have to wear headphones all the time that it's really hard for them to function because they don't have that filtering system. So it's all coming in at once. And people that have like that sensory wise like can you imagine like think about the amount of little like hair follicles you have on your like arms and body and everything if every one of those hairs was like sending you a signal at every single moment of the day you would implode you know it's like it's too much man. Too much yeah it's way too much. So like the fact that we have that filtering system is critical. But then every once in a while I mean like I feel like the women in the buddyhood or even men that have long hair are gonna or non-binary folks who have who have long hair are gonna know this. Like if you have like a hair that's like inside of your shirt in the back and you can't quite reach it it's like the moment you become aware of it it's suddenly absolutely intolerable you know it's gotta get it out. Um so you become aware of it.

SPEAKER_03 31:57

It's not those bald folk.

SPEAKER_02 31:58

I'm sorry. Well see that's one of the benefits. There you go. Yeah welcome um but it's just such a wise adaptive ability that we have and like dissociation is part of that I think that allows us to in a moment that true genuinely we we can't feel all the things we can't process all the things we can't notice all the things we're pretty much protected from it because our brain is just like not going to and then when other things quiet down I mean it's like when people like break a leg while they're running away from something and don't notice until they stop. You know what I mean? Because it's just that you couldn't and now you can and now it becomes a really big deal. And so now like you're in a place like what a gift what a beautiful thing that you're able to notice all these things that have been sensorily around you all this time but also shit man that's really hard. Like it's a broken fucking leg. You know what I mean? Like it dogs but now you have the opportunity to heal it. Anyways that was a lot of metaphors all thrown into one but I just I think it's it's it's evidence of growth and healing even though it can sometimes feel like new pain.

SPEAKER_04 33:11

I don't know if that made sense the people we meet along the way at least for me is what make it not only tolerable but worthwhile.

SPEAKER_02 33:39

Yeah that's the perfect word.

SPEAKER_04 33:42

So yeah yeah we we we uh we appre we appreciate the entire buddyhood for being here for being there for each other for being there for the people in your lives and for listening to a podcast that can help you to do that in in more intentional ways. Like we said at the top of the episode, um we want you to go wherever the podcast is and and do the thing that makes it float to the top because conversations like this being more prevalent in our communities is the thing that's gonna make like not the thing but a thing you know that we can contribute to that can potentially be medicine for, you know, the the the the heart ailments that people experience as they navigate life the way that we we tend to do with all these complexities. But we can't off-ramp without boo buddy questions. What is one thing what are what what is one thing that like you are super excited about being back in Tampa that you just could not experience when you was in Rochester.

SPEAKER_02 35:00

Christmas Christmas yeah I mean obviously we could experience Christmas in Rochester but we had like a Christmas tradition Billy and I, my husband and I um here where we would go to the beach and then we would like FaceTime our families from the beach. It's very braggalicious but also it was just like so cool to be there. And you know we just had like our our routine that we did and there's it's it's very different to be in a warm place when you've grown up in a snowy place, you know that that it's just different. But there's also a lot that happens here in Tampa during the holidays um that I missed. And I was really excited to be in Rochester for Christmas because I was like oh I'm back at you know like home um and in the snow and I get to like live my little Hallmark movie fantasy but also like most of my family I mean my direct my immediate family my brother and sister are in other states and my parents go down south to um be with the grandkids at Christmas time. So it was still Billy and I but we were like oh we were trying to kind of find our tradition there. We even like went to the lake a few times the frozen lake was like this we know the same as a beach. We I know we're like go to the beach we get Chinese food. That is what we do at Christmas. And um and it just never really felt like it was ours. You know, we had really established that ritual that that that tradition for the eight years we lived here before. And so I'm really excited to be able to have that back for Christmas time here in Tampa.

SPEAKER_04 36:28

I'm excited for you and also please take your motherfucking time because this summer shit is my jam. I know I love Christmas can creak to a slow crawl to make its way towards me. Christmas I don't even I never even want to talk about Christmas again until December 25th please please don't don't even mention it.

SPEAKER_02 36:54

I was kind of excited that something popped into my head so easily though when you said that like immediately and it gave me like this thrill.

SPEAKER_04 37:00

I'm genuinely excited for you because I know that was a big deal for you and I remember you uh you all going to the lake and you mentioning that and me being like all right have fun yeah I was like this is terrible but yeah you gotta you I see I you might have to whip out the sleeping bag I might come do Christmas deer. Come on down we gotta air maybe I need some of that I need some of that brag Alicious energy.

SPEAKER_02 37:25

Mm-hmm or the braggadocious is that wrong I don't know you said braggalicious so I'm going with that for the rest of my life until death do me perfect. I make up words and I don't realize I'm making up words so anyway.

SPEAKER_04 37:39

It's my favorite type of person. Alright guys we really appreciate you um send this pet podcast episode to a friend uh tell somebody that you haven't that you care about them and we will catch you next time on the next episode of the pick on the trigger all right we'll catch you later bye