The Unwritten Rules of Marriage

No one tells you that marriage comes with a job description. You’ll become a personal heater, a jar opener, a top-shelf retrieval system, and a lifetime supplier of jackets you’ll never see again. And somehow, it’s the best thing that ever happened to you.

https://www.marriage.com/advice/marriage-fitness/funny-marriage-advice/

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Welcome to the Cashley Show. We are Kevin and Ashley. We start this podcast after recent tragedies to take a break from negativity and discover the good news happening all around us. Today we are talking about the unwritten rules of marriage no one warns you about.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

I wonder if there's some that people do warn you about. Like they say things.

unknown 0:37

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

I didn't say hello because I wanted to switch things up.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

I want to be different each time. Well, I started off doing the the history of mysteries.

SPEAKER_02 0:46

Threw me through a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Do you want to first do the Ashley's Disasters and Riv Week in Review? I only have two that I can think of. I should start writing them down.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Yeah, a little journal. I'm good either way. We could start with the rules and then end with your calamities and catastrophes.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Okay, we end with it.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Alright. You get a marriage certificate, some confetti, and then you're on your own. No one gives you a manual for things like grocery store etiquette, giving up your jacket, or what to do when your spouse finishes your drink and then refills it like a hero. No one explains the unfortunate. You become a hero?

SPEAKER_02 1:27

I do that for you.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

You do.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

Because I drink your drink.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

But you you did it once from the bathroom sink and then realized that I don't want to drink that. And you now go get it. You're so fancy. You just figured them out one chaotic moment at a time. Think of this as your cheat sheet. Grocery store treat. You never really go to the grocery store alone. If you're there, you're picking up something for your spouse every single time. Mostly you. You don't seem to like when I get stuff for you. But you can't do it.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

You don't do it right.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

You got me someone's store today.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

Yeah. But I didn't get you I didn't get you the diet peps that you like. Because they were all out of the fountain drink.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

So you just got the I did my best.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

I still like all tape bottle, but you don't like the things that I like. So when you go to the store to get things for me, like I do your kombucha and you that's true. Typically you'll get like what like the cheap thing or the like store brand or different things. Because you don't care because you don't like it anyways, and you give it to me and I'm like garbage. Just give me a Ritz cracker. I don't want whatever made-up name.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

We don't even buy Ritz crackers anymore.

SPEAKER_02 2:47

I was just using an example because everyone knows what a Ritzcracker is. And how many knockoffs there are.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

You laugh at all his dad jokes. Yes, even the ones he's told 17 times. I thought you laughed because they were funny. You do have funny dad jokes. I do love corny jokes. I always have.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

You love fart jokes, is what you love.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

I do.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

I like the kid jokes.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

You became the official on-call 24-7 feet warmer. No, you didn't sign up for this, but somehow it's in the fine print.

SPEAKER_02 3:26

Are these all rules that apply to me?

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Some of them I made up and some of them I found. So these ones.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

You do have cold feet often, but then you get like super hot and you kick all the blankets off and you just need your feet like out in the open.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

I know they're freezing, and there's only a very small window, and then they're very hot. And then I can't sleep.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

I bet you have a thyroid problem.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

I probably do.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Can't keep body temperature.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

Nope. You never have a jacket anymore because it's always on her shoulders.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

That's true. I always bring a jacket and it's always on you.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

You always bring a jacket, extra jacket for me. By the way, I have two jackets on, and then I'll wear his, so I have three. I am cold all the time. The top shelf reacher. Suddenly your main purpose is reaching things, not chasing your dreams.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Yep. Stop reaching for the stars and just reaching for jars.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

I have stools now.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

That's true. Like if we were the same height, this wouldn't be a rule, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

Nope.

SPEAKER_02 4:34

Yeah. Or if I was shorter than you.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

That's true.

SPEAKER_02 4:39

You could reach things for me.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Yeah. I hope you're not shorter than me, though I'm pretty short.

SPEAKER_02 4:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

Then no one could reach anything.

SPEAKER_02 4:49

We'd have to never mind.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

The permanent jar opener. No lid can stop you.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

You just had me open a jar for you at dinner.

unknown 4:58

I did.

SPEAKER_02 4:59

Jam jar was sugared shut.

unknown 5:01

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

The best way to make sure you never forget your anniversary again is to forget it once. You won't make that mistake twice. This one is not him for him. This is one I found. Just thought it was kind of funny.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

Yeah, I think it's pretty common.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Marriage is finding the one person you want to annoy for the rest of your life, and somehow they feel the same way about you.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

I do annoy you pretty often.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

I don't think you annoy me.

SPEAKER_02 5:31

Really? Like even at dinner when I was talking to you about the knives that you're wasting.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

When you when you become your dad.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

That's a different episode. What did you say that it was called? Oh no, I'm becoming my parents?

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:51

So you gotta save it. That's for later.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

I don't have anything specific to your dad.

SPEAKER_02 5:56

Oh, that's just like is it kind of like those commercials? What are those insurance commercials that they are? Yeah. Where like we can't keep you from becoming your parents, and they're always like, guys that they're like Starbucks, yeah, holding up the drink. Stephanie, you don't work here.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Yeah, it was more based off that than actually off of you.

SPEAKER_02 6:16

Okay, good.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

If at first you don't succeed, stop what you're doing and try it the way your wife told you in the first place.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

Never. I'll do it my way all the way to the grave.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Kevin does not like to be told. Oh. He doesn't like me to tell him what to do.

SPEAKER_02 6:34

I think most people don't like to be told what to do.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Your daughter's very stubborn like this too. She said she wanted to join the Navy today, and I was like, What? You can't even handle when I tell you to do something. How are you gonna have someone yelling at you?

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Just because you're her mom. She'll probably be fine having someone else tell her what to do.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

She's like, no, I'll be the person to yell at them. And I was like, you gotta work your way up to that, sister. You don't just get that.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

I'm not sure you understand how the military works.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine, except for the last slice of pizza. That one needs a negotiation. This one I just wrote down because you said it a little bit earlier.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

I said it? Yeah. What did I say? Oh.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

I was writing it as you were talking to me. Marry someone with a different favorite cereal. Compatibility is important, but so is protecting your lucky charms.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Yeah. I mean, we don't like lucky charms, but we both lucky charms.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

But we don't eat cereal anymore.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Yeah. But we used to eat like, was it raisinberry and crunch?

SPEAKER_01 7:38

And honey bunches.

SPEAKER_02 7:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

Yeah, those were our favorite. And we would always both eat.

SPEAKER_02 7:44

I go to the pantry and like, we're out of it again? I haven't had it in like four days. So I do, I do, uh, I do think I agree with that rule. Because it's kind of nice when we have the same cereal lights, because then you buy it.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Yeah, why don't you eat the uh what's it called?

SPEAKER_01 8:03

Oh, I can see it.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

Can you describe it then?

SPEAKER_01 8:06

One that you talked about. Oh, grape nuts. Yeah, you eat the grape nuts and I'll eat the rosy mark.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

It's another part of being a dad. You pretend to like lots of things.

SPEAKER_01 8:17

All right. Have your own toothpaste. The squeeze versus roll debate has ruined more than one morning. Don't let it ruin yours. We switched to doing separate toothpaste because we're different on that too. Kevin likes to roll, and I don't really care. I generally just squeeze it because it's faster.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

Squeeze it's like the tube of chaos.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Yep. So we do separate toothpaste, so it's never a problem.

SPEAKER_03 8:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

But we have the same toothpaste, right? Just different two things of it.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

Uh I don't know. Do you still have the cinnamon one?

SPEAKER_02 8:52

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

Oh. Then yeah, we have the same. Smith doesn't sell the cinnamon anymore.

SPEAKER_02 8:57

Yeah. I don't think anybody does.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

You might be able to find it on Amazon.

SPEAKER_02 9:02

Someone's keeping track of the things I like and then they cancel them.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Like at the shows we like.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Yes. I have to pretend to not like things so they'll stay, stay around.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Alright, close the the toilet lid. This is not up for debate. A midnight bathroom trip shouldn't end in disaster. And your phone shouldn't should never be near an open toilet. I used to work with a kid and him and his wife fought about the toilet and toothpaste. And I told him, I was like, why don't you guys just get your own toothpaste? And why don't you just shut the toilet so stuff doesn't fall in like in our other bathrooms, like where the toilet's right next to the cupboard. Yeah. Things just would fall off and into the toilet.

SPEAKER_02 9:48

Just put the whole thing, not even the seat, just put the whole thing down.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

The whole thing is closed, nothing falls in the toilet.

SPEAKER_02 9:53

Now everyone has to do something to the toilet to use it.

SPEAKER_01 9:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

Everybody loses. Yep. See?

SPEAKER_01 9:58

It's fine. Next one is don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

So you said it.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

Just remember living with all their quirks is part of the deal. Marriage is a team effort to solve problems you never had when you were single. Congratulations. You've doubled your issues and your support system at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

So that's a wash.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

Yeah. Depends on who has more problems, I guess. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:29

You can marry into problems or you can marry into solutions.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

I wonder if that's a marriage thing. Like people marry into money. Can you marry into solutions? Maybe that's kind of like marrying into money.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

Or maybe you're just married to a psychiatrist that can fix your a lot of your problems.

SPEAKER_02 10:45

I didn't mean solutions like that. I meant like just life's problems.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Yeah, psychiatrists can fix them. Give you ideas. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Your spouse can't read your mind. Say what you need, say how you feel, repeat as needed, because this takes practice.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

A lot of passive aggressive behavior if you don't do that.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

I have to tell our kids all the time. No one knows how you're feeling unless you say the words. Because they'll be mad and won't tell me. And I'm like, fine, then I won't ask you anymore, but come tell me when you're ready. Because I can't read your mind. I think it's a good thing to teach kids while they're young. No one reads your mind.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

Yeah, it's true. Sometimes you just have to keep pestering someone to get them to tell you something.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

Well, you look at me like that.

SPEAKER_02 11:39

Because you're the only other person in the room. I have to look at you when I talk.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

For no other reason. No other reason. You're not looking at me now.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

I know. I know where I'm looking.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Next one is you didn't marry a project. You married a person. Love them for who they are, not for who you'll you hope they'll be. Calm.

SPEAKER_02 12:02

Yeah, that is pretty good. I wonder if that's more of like a man thing or a woman thing. Right? Like, do men marry the women because of who they are like right now?

SPEAKER_01 12:14

I I would say probably yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

And women marry men more based on like who they think they'll be.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

Yeah, because I think girls have a lot of times have like lists of like this is who I want to marry and they have to have all these things, but I can make them do these things.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Nice. I can make them. He's pretty close.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

You should probably just find the most important things.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

Those things are and I was just thinking, those things are kind of at odds with one another, right? Because we got married, what, when we were 24, 25, 26? Somewhere right there. Right? Yeah. So I'm I married a 25-year-old woman.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

I was 27.

SPEAKER_02 12:57

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

I did get called an old maid, by the way.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

But like I so I married a 27-year-old, right? And you married a 26-year-old. And because of who I could be, right? The father or the husband I could be. And so I I start to become that thing, but then you move away from the thing that I married, right? Like if I married you because you're a 27-year-old woman, so then by the time I get to be this man that you like that you turned that you made me be, you're no longer a 27-year-old woman.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

I'm just an old woman.

SPEAKER_02 13:38

Yeah, that's um interesting.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

I I read this thing, this guy said, that the reason a lot of younger women marry older men, like those that's their prime. Younger women is their prime, older men is their prime. Yeah. So it makes sense that they match that way. Yeah. It's kind of interesting.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

Right, because you want this is pretty traditional type stuff, right? We're not getting into the alternative or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Like I if I'm a 40-something year old man, like I'm pretty far along in my career, I make decent money, I'm you know, whatever. Yeah. And like you said, you're an old maid.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

Well, when you're in your twenties, like your girls at their prime. And they start having babies, and then it's just not so much anymore.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Wrecks you. I think I remember reading something that was like like women are in their prime at like yeah, like 27, 20, 29, and men are in their prime like kind of the same time, but like 10 years later, like 30, 39, 40. Yeah. So we're both past our prime, babe. We'll do it together. Yeah. Just downhill from here, me and you.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Just be old together. All right. Next one is if you think she's mad, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Remember what happens, remember what happened to the Titanic and act accordingly.

SPEAKER_02 15:12

You split me in half.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

I don't know. All right. Next, treat every argument like a second plate at the buffet. Be selective about what you add. Not everything deserves a spot on your plate.

SPEAKER_02 15:27

I don't think I've ever heard that before.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Yeah, it's kind of a good one.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

Trying to think about going to the buffet on my second trip. Because I'm I'm already full.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

So now I can only Now you're gonna get the good stuff.

SPEAKER_02 15:39

What did I do the first trip? Why did I get bad stuff?

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Well, have you never been to the buffet before? Just grab like little bits of things and then you go back, you're like, oh that's a honey walnut shrimp. I'm definitely getting more of that.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

Except for we both like the same thing, so you probably ate it all.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

There's nothing left for me. The one in Texas was the best one.

SPEAKER_02 16:01

Yeah, well, that's good.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Alright, don't go to bed angry. Stay up and work it out, even if it takes a while. I cannot sleep if we fight at night. I do not sleep literally at all. Yeah, it's true. So it is not not a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

So then we both don't sleep.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Yep. It's kind of terrible. Just work it out before you go to sleep. All right, marriage is having a best friend who doesn't remember a single thing you say and loving them for it anyway.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

Constant. I feel like I feel like you listen to maybe half of what comes out of my mouth.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

That's not true. I hear all the things you say.

SPEAKER_02 16:49

I'm gonna write I'm gonna do a little journal.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Oh yeah. About the things I remember.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

About the things you don't remember.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

Well, I think I'm just losing my memory, so I probably remembered it afterwards and then slipped my mind as time went on. I see. Next one is you'll develop a look. One glance across the room, your spouse knows exactly what you mean. It takes years to master, but it's more useful than anything you've learned in school.

SPEAKER_02 17:22

Yeah. It's true. We do know how the other one's feeling what they want. Yeah. Just by looking at them.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

It's kind of crazy.

SPEAKER_02 17:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Next one is saying, I don't mind, you pick is the riskiest thing you can say in a marriage. Pick something. Anything. Just make a choice.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

We like the this episode.

unknown 17:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:45

You listed out five that you had written, I narrowed down, and then you picked one. Like back and forth. You pick. Yeah, there was like a trick to that where like with like the whole like dinner, right? I think I told you this. Did I use it on you before I did it work? No, you didn't tell you.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

You told you tried to use it on me after you told me.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

That's no good.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Showing you how opposite.

SPEAKER_02 18:14

Yeah, showing you how a magic tricks works and then doing it. It's not as exciting. Right? But you like you say, okay, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking of this place actually that you really want. Right? Like, I think you would really like it. I want to see if you can guess it. Right. And then whatever you say, I say, Yeah, that's it. Oh my gosh. Right? And now we've got a place to go to dinner.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

You've tried to use it on me since then too. But I remember.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

That's the thing you remember.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Next one is you will narrate things to each other that the other person can clearly see happening. This never stops and somehow never gets old. Or does it.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

Yeah, I don't know if we've really done this. Do we? You think of any instances?

SPEAKER_01 19:03

I would say I do this when we watch shows. I say stuff. Probably unnecessary things.

SPEAKER_02 19:11

You say what's happening?

SPEAKER_01 19:12

No, not what's happening, but like, oh, this is gonna happen. Or if that's dumb, then it doesn't isn't real. Yeah, we both. So I probably narrate more than I should when we watch shows.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

I don't think you're narrating. You're just talking.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

Which is also annoying. Alright. The last one is marriage means having someone who always takes your side in public, then tells you exactly why you were wrong as soon as you get in the car.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

Hopefully, anyways.

SPEAKER_01 19:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Gotta have that united front.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Yep. Nobody gets it perfectly right. You'll forget an the anniversary once, lose the jack lose the jacket every winter, and argue about something silly at least once. But at the end of the day, you have someone who picks up your favorite snack without being asked, laughs at the same things you do, and chooses you. Quirks and cold feet included. The rules are unwritten for a reason. You figure them out together, and that's really the whole point. Oh, we're gonna do the Ashley's Ashley's Catastrophes.

SPEAKER_02 20:21

Yeah. What are you calling it? This is this is from the AI written episode, right? So now it's something you're actually gonna implement.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

Yeah, I was gonna try it. We'll see. We'll see if I remember to do it.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

What are you gonna call it?

SPEAKER_01 20:31

What's the Ashley's disasters in review? Like week's disasters in review.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

I think you should call it Ashley's Catastrophes.

unknown 20:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 20:42

So last week I was outside pulling weeds for probably like two hours. And I walked in the back door and immediately I smelled dog crap. And I was like, Ma, I said the dog's name. And he comes, he comes with his head down, shamefully walks over. Like, get out. He had diarrhea all over the floor, all over a rug, just a lot of diarrhoea. It was awful. Clean it all up. Kevin was out of town. I had to carpet clean the rug after I cleaned it all up. Clorox wiped it all and resolve sprayed, and then it was it was a disaster. I was only outside for two hours.

SPEAKER_02 21:28

Well, if you've ever had a hold-in diarrhea, two hours is a long, long time.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Well, he was also I was pulling weeds right outside the front door and he was barking, and I thought he was barking because he thought I was someone at the door, but I think he was barking like, get me out of here.

SPEAKER_02 21:43

Right. He tried, he did his best.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

I know there was nothing he could do. And the other thing was I was edging, and this has never happened to me before. There was it was a neighbor's house, and there was so many rocks, and they were whipping me and I got this big scab on my ankle from rocks hitting me and like a little sore like on my bone from the rocks. I never got beat up by rocks so much from edging.

SPEAKER_02 22:12

Just whipping gravel all over hit me in the face.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

It was dang. It was brutal.

SPEAKER_02 22:17

It's not even a big weeder. Like no it's a just a little like blackened doctor thing.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Yeah and I also somehow managed to get it super knotted which all tangled up never had that happen before either. It was the weirdest thing. That was it. That I didn't write down things I probably should because I feel like something every day is like hot You have a catastrophe. How could this happen?

unknown 22:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:42

Anyways that was all I have nothing like getting locked inside your house though.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

Well I'm not as dumb as the AI episode thought I was I do know we have more than one door at our house. Alright do you have anything else? Uh-uh okay remember even a small act of kindness can be someone's beacon in their darkest moment. Choose kindness every day. Reach out to someone today you have the power to change a life be the signal of hope this world needs to be