Episode 11: What Nobody Tells You About Danish Birthday Parties

In this episode of The Scandi Shift, Meg and Selena unpack the surprisingly complicated world of birthdays in Denmark — and all the cultural rules no one explains to expat parents beforehand.

Using Meg’s recent experience hosting a Danish children’s birthday party at her home, they walk through the traditions, expectations, and very Danish details that can catch newcomers completely off guard.

We talk about:

•  The Danish birthday party rule most expat parents miss 
•  Why weekday parties are secretly genius 
•  Danish birthday cakes, flags, and party traditions 
•  Why adults also expect wish lists 
•  Hosting a party when you don’t fully speak Danish 
•  What we learned from doing it the hard way 

This episode is part cultural guide, part parenting survival story, and part love letter to the wonderfully strange world of Danish birthday culture.

Danish birthday parties, birthdays in Denmark, parenting in Denmark, expat life Denmark, Danish culture explained, living in Copenhagen with kids, raising children abroad.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Welcome back to the Scambi Shift, the podcast where two expert moms talk honestly about surviving, thriving, and building a happy life in Denmark.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

I'm Selina and I'm Meg. And today we're talking about birthday parties, Danish birthday parties, specifically children. But before we start today's episode, we have a corrections corner. So if you guys think back to our Danish idioms episode, so a few episodes back, we got uh feedback that we had gotten two things slightly off.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Slightly off, completely wrong. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Let's be honest, they were just completely, completely wrong. Okay, so the first one that we did not get correct was Esquiv Papagoyan. So we actually said it was splurging money. However, it actually means to be very lucky. And I actually saw it in a show the other day when I was like, oh, Papagoyan, Papagoyan! And it was to be lucky. So that was the first one. Oh they're spending so much. I know. Well, to be fair, it was on an antiques duel, antique duelen. It's an antiques dual like uh show in Danish. So yeah, they were spending money, 10,000 kroner a day. So it could have gone that way. Um, and then the second one that we had a little off, which was ek stick up for bottle melke. That's so hard. Um, and it's it actually means to not give up or to not accept like slash take whatever someone is offering you. So basically, if it's something unreasonable, you're not gonna like take it. Uh so anyway, yeah, so thank you to M from Copenhagen. We don't, we don't call people out, but thank you, M from Copenhagen, for uh sending us a correction. We love it and we love the fact that you guys are engaged and all of a oh and a, yes, and a for also reaching out to us and saying, uh, not quite right on that one. Love the episode, but not right on this one. So we are the first to say, our bad. We are still learning it ourselves. Right, that's very true. Okay, so today's episode, birthdays. So, and all the things really no one tells you until you're already in it. So, for those people who may have children and are like, all right, I got my first Danish birthday party in Denmark. This is your guide to not just mess it up. Or uh, if you're attending. Or you're attending. That's a good one. Yeah, exactly. So we should give a little bit of background on why we decided to do this episode. Uh so uh yeah, I would I need to start with one thing. One, we just recently had my son's birthday party, and I am generally upset about the big fact I missed out on a quintessential part of having a birthday party when you have a child in Bernaho. It was really good. Right? It was the like an experience that would have really made my life a lot easier. So the worst part is when I missed out on it, I didn't even realize that it was happening. So this is what it is. I was going into Bonagaleo, I was asking some questions, and uh the pedagogue was asking me about the birthday party. And, you know, I said, Oh, I'm, you know, interested in what friends we should invite. And he's only been at the Bonagale for three, four months by this time, right? And I honestly was like, I don't know who he plays with. I don't know what these things are. Uh so I went in for advice and she's asking me, Oh, are you planning on having it on a weekday or a weekend? And okay, also we were doing this in Danish. So I immediately thought, why would that matter? And in my head, I was like, well, of course it's a weekend. Who's gonna run home from work to have a birthday party for a kid? Like that seems very stressful. Like I was like, oh yeah, the weekend. She's like, oh, okay. And then she gave me the guidelines, right? She was like, ha ha ha, yes.

unknown 4:24

Exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

So why was she asking me if I was gonna have one on a weekday or weekend, Selena?

SPEAKER_01 4:32

Well, the answer to that is because normally if you have a kid in Burning Hill and you want to celebrate them during the week, then the pedagogues take quite a big part of the facilitating. So they will bring the kids from the stew that they're in, or maybe both stews, depending on how big this place is, right? Yeah. And they will deliver them to your place and then they will stay maybe in the morning, a couple of hours, and then they will take them back to the burning house so there's they're back well in time for their own lunch. Yeah. Maybe they even have lunch at the birthday. I think all of that's like variable, but depends on what you've played. Depends on what you're hosting, yeah. But but you have, you know, if you have three pedagogues or two pedagogues and a helper, you have three extra pairs of hands typically at your place.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

And not just extra pairs of hands, extra mouths that speak Danish. So I was researching what to do for this birthday. I was all excited for it, and I was looking at all these different locations, and I kept being like, why are they offering these packages during the week? Like it just never hit me because that does not exist in the States. The idea that teachers, pedagogues, bring kids to your home and help you facilitate and host a birthday party and then take them back to school is just non-existent. It would never cross my mind. And unless somebody tells you, you're like, what do you mean? What are you talking about? So yeah, I uh I didn't do that. And instead I decided to uh go ahead and host it at my house. And uh the other rule was like either you invite all boys or all girls or you know, the whole class. And I was like, well, I'll just do the whole class because I I do hear him talk about like a little girl here or a little girl there or a boy there.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

And I just that's tricky actually. Yeah. And they have mixed friends. Yeah, that's a tough one because you don't want to be, you obviously want him to have who you wants there. Yes. And yeah, you don't want to get overly political about it either.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

No. So I was like, you know what? I'll just invite the whole class because most of them probably don't know on like how many are really gonna come. Uh yeah, I was wrong. So immediately the RSVPs start coming in, and it's like, oh, this is so nice. Like, oh, two friends from Bernahale, three friends from Bernaho. I was thinking eight, maybe ten kids would come. And then it was like, okay, wait, now we're at 13. Okay, okay, now we're at 14, we're at 15. And of course, I invited some outside friends, right? Friends he knew either from his old school or like your kids, his other friends that he has, right? So it had a good mix. And yeah, the count ended at what was it, Selena?

SPEAKER_01 7:23

19.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

19, 19. I will just say 19 kids and about as many adults. Yep. Stuffed into one house. Uh okay. So the night before, I'm like, okay, this is gonna be some serious amounts of bodies in one space. And it was too late to change location and just be like, let's do it out in a big park. And also, you just don't know about the weather. You can't, you can't risk it, right? So I'm like, all right, we got this, I've got this. And I sat my husband down the night before and I said, Hi, honey, this is a two-man job. Okay. I need you because you speak Danish. Because the 19 kids, we don't say 12 of them. I didn't know them. How do I speak to them? And I'm like, okay, and all of them are gonna be speaking Danish, and very few of them speak English. So I have to do like Danish on these, you know, instructions. And of course, I was like, all right, this is a small space that they have. We're gonna just give them the space and then have a parent have like a restful area, also because of body count and space, but it was like a little zen area for parents to enjoy, which is where you got to hang out how that experience was.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Yeah, I would say the parent experience at this party as in a just an attendee was wonderful. I mean, we arrived, drop the kids off. Okay, everyone, love you, have fun. Now I have to go up here. This is where the parents go. And of course, you know, um, I I brought, I will just say I brought my two uh eldest kids who are seven and almost five. I didn't have my smallest, otherwise, this would not have been the same experience that I'm talking about. I would have been completely sweating and stressing. Anyway, it was very fun. So kids were off, and they obviously know Casper um pretty well by now. And then I come up here, and it's like just parents. There's a little buffet, exercise, wine, beer, whatever else was on there. And uh and then yeah, and then we just basically hang out. Well, we hung out there, and we just got chatting, and it was very international. There were also quite a few Danes, which was very nice. And I did say to you on the day that this has been a real hit. I mean, I think it felt it feels a bit like at your burning hair that everyone was like, oh thank God, like someone's taking the plunge, someone's doing something, you know. Because I I they probably do always go to these Bernie Hale, mainly arrange type things, right? And then it was very obvious from people's reactions that they found this really nice. Yeah, but it was not the norm for them.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

Yeah, yeah. I actually was excited because I thought it would be a really great opportunity to meet the parents and get to know them and talk to them. Yeah, that was not what I was experiencing. That's what I experienced. Yes, Selena knows them all really well. I was down in the trenches with 19 screaming children, and I'm like trying to give instructions in Danish, and my husband is nowhere to be found. The first I was on the rooftop. He was on the roof, having a glass of wine in the sun. No, to be fair, the very first activity he did help, and he was like, okay, guys. And then I was like, okay, perfect. Now we're gonna do this, now we're gonna do this. And I'm like talking to myself because he's gone, enjoying it. And there were a few parents who stayed on the fat section and that were super helpful. Like, I'll shout out to a parent, but I don't use names on this. So you know who you are, tall A C's dad. Thank you so much for helping translate my horrible Danish Denise. But it was all in all, it was fun. But here are the things you should know. If you are gonna host this party, one, go ahead, use a pedagogue. Two, assume that you probably should have activities and have it something that's not too much, but just fun enough. And have a translator if you're not fluent and make sure that you remember to give a break for the food. Because I was like two games down. I was, oh wait, there's a whole buffet of kids' food, and none of the kids are touching it. Oh, because they're kids, they need permission. Okay, break, break first. And then we had birthday cake, which I was excited. I did make the birthday cake. That was really fun.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Yeah, that was really nice. Yeah, good job on that one. Thank you. Very professional.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Oh, thank you. Thank you. That's my one thing I do like to make a good birthday cake. But that, so that was all in all. But there's a lot of things, all right, you should know about general birthdays outside of this, right? One, don't follow my mistakes, but there's key things that are around birthdays that are are known.

SPEAKER_01 12:08

So many, many, many, many, many flakes. Many as you can just put in, you know, your house and outside. Actually, outside is a really good one if people don't know where to go. That's true. It helps. I went to a birthday yesterday and they did exactly that. They had them hanging, it was at a summer house, so they had them like hanging on the gate, and we'd never been. Yeah. So it was very nice to show up and be like, oh, here is where the birthday must be. Yes. This is like four flags on the gate.

SPEAKER_00 12:35

But wait, are these birthday flags?

SPEAKER_01 12:37

What flags are they? They were they were Danish flags signifying some kind of celebration. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

So the Danes celebrate with flags at all things, but Danish flags, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:49

It's very important to know that, like Yes, Danish flags, if you're Danish, if you're like me, British, we've always had Danish and British flags in our house. We we there is a really good shop actually in uh in Fredericksburg that has actually quite a lot of different flags. So they have the US one. But there are places around and obviously online as well, but you can get these. Um it's not like going into Food Tech Sower. You can just pick up like 75 sizes of flags. Yeah. Plus, you know, the uh the table, the thing they call the dug, the tablecloth. Oh, yes. You know, the birthdays thing like that's all gonna be Danish. In our house, it works well because we are half Danish, half English in the house generally. So yes. Flags is a big one, signifying some kind of celebration. Yeah, it could be wedding, it could be birthday, it could be Christmas, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

It could be a sale on pants, something used for everything.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

Um, there's also the cake. So you obviously made your own cake, which looked very professional, the spacing. No, um, but there's also if you're not into the baking and you want more convenience, which of course people do sometimes, then they have in uh in a lot of the bakeries they have the lao key so the layered cake. Yes. Um and it has, you know, a little bit of what's the marzipan. It's very, very subtle. It's not like marzipan we have in the UK. Marzipan you just avoid at all costs in the UK. It's like it's everyone who comes from the UK that comes here, you immediately think, uh oh my god, marzipan. But then you actually challenge yourself and taste it, and you're like, okay, that's like there's hardly any in there. So if you don't like marzipan, I would still challenge you to taste the cake. Yeah. Um and then they have this like uh they used to call it keyman, but now that's politically incorrect. So it's KP and K.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

Or K-man, a cake fenna, if it's for an older person.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

So translating to like many adults have those cakes, so I will just put that out there. If the big birthday is like 50, 65, things like that, they still do. They still do. I think, yeah, then they're just doing it for a bit of fun, I think. Yeah. Typically, considering it is literally like a cake cut-out shape of a person. Yes. With lots of sweets on it for decoration. Yeah. Typically, it appeals very much to children.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

Although I did give it for my mom for her birthday when she came last year. I was like, this is such a cool quintessential Danish thing that you'll never get. And it looks like you can choose what kind of licorice you want for the hair. Like it is a little person. Um, but I've learned recently there is a way you're supposed to cut it. You don't just, I would think you would start from the bottom, right? And be like, oh, here's feet, here's this. I you can say this, but we've talked. I don't agree. You don't agree. Okay. All right. So I had I'd heard and read when I was kind of researching more about this, that you're supposed to start with the neck, like cut the neck and eat the head first. And it was like, how barbaric. Yeah, very dark. But you know what? It could be very viking. Who knows? You just like got right into that. It's like we're getting right back to the cat, aren't we?

SPEAKER_01 16:15

But yeah, you're right. You it I guess that's the official way, but I've I've I've been maybe to a handful of birthdays where they've had one of these types of cakes. Yeah. Honestly, I feel like maybe because it's a small kid's birthday, it's just a free-for-all. So kids are pulling the eyes out, and you know, there's hands everywhere. So I feel like, yeah, yeah, it's all very Viking style, to be honest.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

Like you snooze, you lose. It is really fun though. I like that. And then there's uh, but like hussle. So for people who have moved here and are like Laike Houssle, it gets its name from Laike. Yeah, Lao K, yeah, that's exactly it. Wait, are there other ones? Like there's just mostly it's just the layered cakes and then the cake people.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

Oh, but it depends uh for birthdays on occasions for kids, especially these cake people, let's say, and then the lao key. But there's I mean, I just went to a birthday yesterday. There was chocolate cake. That was not a lao cake at all. It was just like a single layer. These were all bought as well. I mean, they they even have bits of um what do you call it? Oh, hen bear snitter. Oh my god. So the raspberry, uh like biscuit cake. Yeah, it's kind of like a little bit of icing on the top.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

Yeah, hen bear snitter, it's sort of like um like a what do you call it? Uh shortbread. It's a short bread, it's shortbread cookies. Yeah, like like a moist shortbread. Sorry, it's an American-style shortbread, which is moist. So a moist shortbread, and then it's got like layers. It's yeah, layers, and in between the layers you have like hen uh raspberry jam hen bear. And then you have uh like an I it's kind of like I think it's what inspired Pop Tarts. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

Yeah, everyone, everyone who's not from the UK or the US are like, what the hell are Pop Tarts? But yeah. Um, but there were loads of options there. Yeah, and that was a Danish birthday, an adult Danish birthday. Okay, someone in the family. But I I I guess as well, there's there's bolla.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Oh, bala is a big thing. But there's Fuzalste Bala and like regular bala.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

Yeah, they were talking about like tea bala. Tea bala, yeah. Bala's like the the typical party bala, but then there's like regular bala, and I think regular bala, we don't really do tea boler at our place, we just do regular bala with like you know, cheese, butter, some meat, some whatever on there, and jam for people to go at, and then we have the cake and maybe some cut-up fruit, but that's just us. Like I this this one yesterday was like quite a lavish spread, and it just all bought in a bakery and it's just displayed wonderfully. So yeah, so I think sounds beautiful. The moral of the story here is there are some there is some very Danish traditional elements, but I think how they're presented and the mix and age at the party and audience that can be really do determine the variable of that, I think.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

Yeah. Although one um Danish attendee, she told me that she had was walking over and was thinking, you know, she's American, so I wonder if she knows that adults should have like a like a little drink, right? Yeah, and then she was very excited when I had a like a buffet of drinks. She was like, oh, perfect. And I was like, I'm American. We drink at everything. At child's birthday party. We're like 8 a.m. Mimosa anyone? So yeah, if you take a checklist, you're gonna have your flag, Danish or your own flag. But Americans don't usually use flags, just it's a it's an Yeah, it's a nationalist. Yeah, it's a little nationalist thing.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

It's fascism, racism, xenphobia. It's like every ism negative thing you could slap onto that flag is now associated. And I actually we're not we don't get political on this show, but I do think it's very sad. Yeah. And there is there are parts of the UK now starting to push back on this and not accept it anymore because we're probably getting a little bit weird like weary and tired of being told what we can and can't do with our own flag because of a minority of silly people who display it and do fall into all of those issues and is but just the final thing on the flag because it is quite a funny story, and I'm trying it was some years ago now, but my now husband, I think just he had a birthday in the UK and they went to a restaurant. Oh, oh my god, yes, yes, and it was close to where I used to work in St. Paul's in London. We worked together at this point, so they were at a friend's birthday. It was either his or a friend, and they go into this restaurant, and it was one of um Gordon Ramsay's Bread Street. Oh, they're gonna shout out. I have a sweet. I love that restaurant in London. Um they were in there, and you know, they come up, the waiter comes over and they're like, Oh, what can I help you? And they're like, Yeah, you know, blah blah blah. Order the food, and then say, Oh, and can we have um can we have a flag? And the waiter was like, I'm sorry, what? A flag? Like it was very obvious. They had just come from Denmark with this strange flag tradition, thinking that they could ask for one in a restaurant, and the waiter would just be like, Oh yeah, so we had like we have Norway, Sweden, Denmark. Like a catalogue of flags for you to stick on the table. So that was that was actually very funny when he told me, and he was like, Yeah, it was so embarrassing because it was so obvious that he just saw it weirdo. I was like, Why would you have a flag?

SPEAKER_00 21:57

Yeah, when you're in restaurants, it's fun because you can. See when people are celebrating something because they do have a little flag on and it's really cute, and you can just be like Teluga, and everyone's like, Oh, talk, you know, so it's it's nice to get a big one. But it's so cute to think that Danes leave Denmark and then we go, excuse me, yeah, it's a birthday, so can we have a flag?

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Exactly. Everyone's like, you know, it's a nice restaurant as well, so they probably want to help you out, you know. And then they're like sweating in the back, thinking, like, oh my god, like we don't what does anyone have a flag?

unknown 22:29

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Oh, yeah, only in Denmark, or I guess are other Scandinavian countries as in love with their flag for celebration? I don't know. Let us know. Are you a non-Dane but Scandinavian and have your own flag tradition? We really want to know. Yeah, that would be fun to know.

SPEAKER_01 22:48

Oh, and we're missing uh a critical part here, which is wishless. Oh that's the one there's the last component, I think, of birthdays that we should talk about.

SPEAKER_00 22:56

Wishless are important. Okay, so when you guys were growing up, I'm sure you wrote down a wishlist for Santa and for your parents, right? And you thought around eight or nine, that would end. And then, you know, people just guess what you want. Not here in Denmark. Not here in Denmark. It's actually quite freeing that you don't have to guess what somebody wants because Danes of all ages will give you a wish list or expect that you have a wish list. So even if it's a birthday party for like, say, 50, 45, or five, the first thing you should ask is, oh, is there a wish list?

SPEAKER_01 23:35

It's true. And if you post out about a birthday, you can guarantee, and it's not always Danes, it's like my international friends do. But can we have a wish list, please?

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Because well, now because they've been indoctrinated, they know that there's a wish list, so they ask for the wish list. Just have babies, have small kids, have a life.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

Yes. You know, just anything to make it easier. Yeah, it's funny because this can be a bit controversial. People get really like opinionated about wish lists. Personally, I'm a fan. Um I don't like to give one myself because I I never have these wish lists. You know, I just have like 10 things that are within like 500 krona, let's say, that someone can buy for me. Um, my wish list is like it's one of those that you know, I I've had my sights on for like 10, 15 years, dunning for it. It's not a thing that you would just fall into this category. So I I find it awkward actually, but for kids, I think it's wonderful. And I love going to birthdays when there's a wish list because it's just like okay, done. Yes, very practical.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

I am actually exactly like you. I find it stressful for me to put together a wishlist. Okay, well, I guess I need to top up on my deodorant socks. Uh but this is what's on on wishlists. A new hand cream. Oh, oh, I mean, I will say that some wishlists have that. They'll be like, here's socks, here's underwear, here's this, and you're like, okay. Um no, and they're all useful good things. They are typically you just maybe you go out and buy them yourself.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

And the thing is, I always buy bulk, so I'm the most annoying person to buy for because I don't I never really run out of those things either.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

You're like, you're you're a prepper. You're what you're a prepper, you're like, I need deodorant. I'm a sweaty, a sweaty prepper. Not one deodorant, 12 deodorants. I laugh only because when my friend came to visit last summer and they were like, what is there anything we could bring you from the States? And I was like, actually, can you bring me some dial soap? And they're like, What? And I was like, Yeah, dial soap. And specifically the white dial soap. I really like it, and I can't find soap here. So I ordered it on Amazon. I sent it to them, and they're like, Meg, this is eight pounds of soap you're asking to put in our suitcase. And throw everyone in the rest of the world. What is that in like grams? Kilos? God, I don't know. Oh, I guess it'd be about four kilos. Okay, that's not happening. No, and so they brought it and I got it, and and uh my husband's like, Did you did you get them to bring you three years worth of soap? And I go, no, no. I count the number. Yeah, there's 36. He goes, and how many bars of soap do you go through on average? I'm like, yeah, about a month, one a month. And he's like, so and I go, okay, yeah. So they brought me three years worth of soap. But hey, I can't put it on my wish list here. It doesn't exist.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

That is actually a segue to the and next episode that's coming out about the things that we thought we'd miss or the things that we do miss. Yes, that's true. That is gonna be right in there, I imagine, at number one or number two on the list of things you miss. Or maybe not now because you have three years worth, so you don't miss it.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

Don't miss it. I'm good. Um, okay, so I guess this wraps up uh birthdays. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

Wishlist cake, weekday versus weekend celebrations, and then of course the good old flags.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

And for the love of your sanity, if your kid is in Bonagio, just go ahead and say yes to the weekday party because the pedagogues will take care of all of it. Learn from me, don't make my mistake. So um, if you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe, rate, review. It really helps other people find us.

SPEAKER_01 27:26

And if you have a birthday story, write to us at thescandyshift at gmail.com or DM us on Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Tack for a day. Tac for a day.