I Didn't Want To Go On My Own

8 words that probably explain why thousands of people never join the things they’d actually love.

How many people in the world are one invitation away from connection?

One of the most human fears we rarely talk about… not wanting to go somewhere alone. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

I was talking to a really good friend of mine the other day. Having a proper, deeper meaningful. And we were reflecting on the last few years of his life. When we first met, about three years ago, his marriage was breaking down. Life as he knew it was going to change. And if you've ever been through something like that, you'll understand what happens in your head. Grief, confusion, an identity crisis. You spend a long time trying to work out who you who you even are again. Especially so when you co-parent. Because when the kids are with you, your role is abundantly clear. You're fully immersed in their world. You're their dad, you're their mum. Your life has structure, purpose, noise, beautiful noise, responsibility. And then suddenly they're gone for a few days. The house changes, the energy changes, everything goes quiet, except maybe the voices in your head that tell you you've got to stay busy, you've got to do something. How do you fill that void? Because that silence can be really, really difficult. And sometimes people fill it by constantly trying to stay busy. Sometimes it becomes nights out, drinks, distractions, numbing things. You've just got to keep busy. Sometimes you convince yourself, or you try and convince yourself that you're fine, but at the same time you feel completely disconnected from yourself. And underneath all of that is perhaps one of the most challenging questions. What do I actually want now? What do I actually enjoy? Who am I outside of the life I had before? And that can be incredibly challenging to answer when your mental health isn't great. When you feel flat or anxious or just completely lost. Now, this good friend of mine eventually became part of a group in my town here, Penarth, called Dawn Stalkers. Now, Dawn Stalkers are a community of sea dippers who meet at ridiculous o'clock in the morning and throw themselves into freezing cold water. Not everyone's cup of tea, but he absolutely loves it. And he now goes three or four times a week. But the really interesting bit came when I asked him how we first got involved. And he told me that mutual friends of ours had said, We're going down tomorrow. Do you fancy joining us? And he said yes immediately. And then he admitted something that really hit me. He said, The worrying thing is, Ben, the honest truth is that I'd wanted to go for nearly two years. So naturally I said, Well, what stopped you? And he said, I didn't want to go on my own. And I think that sentence perhaps explains far more about modern life than we realise. Because how many times has that happened to all of us? You see something that really, really interests you a walk-in group, a class, an event, a community, a new hobby, a talk, a new experience. Something that really lights you up inside and has you thinking, yeah, that's my kind of thing. But then you never go. Not because you don't care, not because you're lazy, not because you're antisocial. You just don't want to walk in alone. And I think that's fine. I think that's understandable. I get it. But I think there are thousands, probably millions, of invisible moments like this happening all over the world, every single bloody day. People sitting at home while life quietly passes them by. And the guilt of not going, or the yeah, just eats them up inside. And this isn't because people don't want connection, it's because the emotional hurdle of arriving alone feels just way too big. And I honestly think that communities need to start asking themselves a really important question. Communities all over the world. How do we solve this? Because the issue isn't a lack of interest. I think there are probably 30 or 40 people that could see a poster for a local event and think, I'd love that. But what if only four people actually show up at that event? The organizer could walk away thinking, oh well, guess no one was interested. When actually loads of people were interested, they just didn't want to go in on their own. And I can't stop thinking about how many beautiful things never happen because of that one barrier: friendships, confidence, belonging, healing, new beginnings, community, connection. All waiting on the other side of someone simply feeling safe enough to walk through the door. So maybe this is a question for communities everywhere. How do we create those beautifully human ways for people to connect with things they deeply care about? How do we help people arrive together? Because maybe people aren't just looking for activities or the new thing. Maybe they're just looking for someone to go with. Have a think about it.