S2 E19 The Stuff Under The Stuff Part 2

In this powerful episode of Me Again, God, Charlene Condu tackles one of the most normalized struggles many women quietly carry: people-pleasing. What looks like kindness on the outside is often rooted in fear, approval-seeking, and the exhausting need to keep everyone else happy at the expense of ourselves. Through raw honesty, biblical truth, and real-life examples, Charlene breaks down the spiritual root behind people-pleasing and why Scripture calls the fear of man a snare. From over-explaining and apologizing for boundaries to silencing the calling God placed on your life, this episode exposes “the stuff under the stuff” and offers practical, faith-filled steps toward freedom.

If you’ve ever said yes when you desperately wanted to say no… if you’ve ever felt trapped by the opinions of others… this conversation will hit home.

Because freedom begins the moment you stop living for the approval of people and start living for the audience of One.

Thanks for listening to Me Again, God with Charlene Condu.
If today connected with you, I’d love to hear your story.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

They were out there on the water and they just turn the red started hanging over quite nothing moving in the west knowing pictures down We started crashing Even though to that one Do they want to get you up Do they crack out in the darkness Lo do you even care he's dead Hey welcome back to Me Again God, the podcast for women who knew him, left pieces behind, and are starting over.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

I'm Charlene Condu and I'm your host. We're digging in and going after the stuff under the stuff. I want to start today by asking you something. When was the last time you said yes to something? And the moment the word left your mouth, you felt your stomach drop. Not because you forgot something, not because you were too busy, but because you did not want to do it. You never wanted to do it, but you could not find a way to say no without the conversation in your head getting too loud. What will she think? What if she's hurt? What if she never asks me again? What if she tells someone? What if they think I'm selfish? What if I let them down? So you said yes, and you smiled, and you meant it to be kind. And now you're sitting somewhere quietly resenting it. If that's you, I know it was me. Wait till you see what the Bible had to say about that. We're talking about people pleasing today, and I need you to know up front, this is not about becoming someone who doesn't care about other people. It's about figuring out whose voice you're actually living for. People pleasing is not kindness. It looks like kindness, it feels like kindness. It has been dressed up as kindness your entire life, probably, but people pleasing and kindness are not the same thing. Kindness flows from love. It gives freely because it wants to. It serves from a full place without needing anything back. People pleasing flows from fear. It gives because it's terrified of what happens if it doesn't. It serves from a depleted place and keeps a quiet running tab of everything it has given out. One is generous, the other is a transaction disguised as generosity. And here's how you tell the difference. How do you feel after? Genuine kindness leaves you feeling full even when you're tired. People pleasing leaves you feeling empty and a little resentful even when everything went fine. That quiet resentment is the tell every time. Here's what I learned. People pleasing is not just about other people. At its root, it's about you. It's about your need for approval, your need to be liked, your need to be seen as good, as helpful, as the kind of woman people can count on. And that need, that deep aching need for human approval, is what makes people pleasing a spiritual issue and not just a personality trait. Because the moment you need a person's approval more than you need God's, you have handed that person a kind of power over your life that only God is supposed to have. That is the stuff under the stuff. Galatians 1.10. Paul's writing to a church that's been swayed by people who came in after him and changed the message. And he asks a question that I want to burn into your brain today. Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Read that last line again. If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Paul is not saying be rude. Eventually, those two things are going to require different things from you. And in that moment, you will find out who you're actually living for. In Proverbs 29, 25, it says, fear of man will prove to be a snare. But whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. A snare. Not an inconvenience, not a bad habit, a snare. Something that catches you, holds you, keeps you from moving freely. The fear of what people think is a trap. And a lot of women have been caught in it for so long they've stopped noticing the walls. John 12, 42 through 43 breaks my heart a little every time I read it. It's talking about leaders who believed in Jesus. They genuinely believed, but would not confess it publicly. And here's why. For they loved human praise more than praise from God. They had faith, but they could not risk what people would think. So they stayed quiet. They stayed small. They kept their yes to Jesus private because the cost of their people's disapproval felt too high. And I wonder how many women listening right now have done the same thing. Not with salvation necessarily, but with the calling God put on your life. The thing he told you to do that you've been sitting on because you were not sure how people will respond. Because what if they think you are too much? What if they don't get it? What if they leave? That is people pleasing, keeping you from your purpose. And that is a cost that is too high. And then there's Matthew 5.37. Jesus and the Sermon on the Mount talking about letting your yes be yes and your no be no. All you need to say is simply yes or no. Anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Which means the over-explaining, the over-apologizing, the three-paragraph text you you wrote trying to cushion a no so nobody gets upset. Jesus says, this is not from him. A clean yes and a clean no are holy. The elaborate performance around them is not. That verse changed how I handle conversation. And I hope it does for you too. So where does people pleasing come from? Because women do not just wake up one day and decide to hand their peace over to other people's opinions. It's learned. It is usually learned early, and it is almost always learned in response to something. Maybe you grew up in a home where keeping the peace was a survival skill, where making sure everyone else was okay was that was the thing that kept things stable, where your needs were less important than the mood in the room. Maybe you had a relationship, a parent, a partner, a friendship, where disapproval came with a cost, where love felt conditional on your performance, where you learned that the safest version of yourself was the one that made other people comfortable. Maybe you grew up in a church culture that called submission people pleasing. That told women that wanting things for yourself was selfish, that your job was to serve and be available and not rock any boats. However, you got here, it was not your fault, but staying here is a choice. And it is a choice that is costing you. Because here's what people pleasing costs you that we do not talk about enough. It costs you your voice. When you are so focused on managing everyone else's response, you stop saying what you actually think. You edit yourself before you even speak. It costs you your calling. When you need everyone's approval before you move, you will never move because you will never get everyone's approval ever. It costs you your relationships. Real intimacy requires real honesty, and you cannot be fully known by anyone if you are always performing the version of yourself you think they want. And most painfully, it costs you your relationship with God. Because when you are living for the audience of everyone around you, you stop being able to hear the one voice that actually matters. So, what does freedom from people pleasing actually look like? Hmm. It starts with what I call the audience shift. In Colossians 3.23, it says, Whatever you do, work it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. The audience shift is simply this. Before you respond to anything, ask yourself, am I doing this for them or for him? Not as a formula, not as a way to justify being unkind, but as a genuine recalibration of who you are living for in this moment. When you serve for him, it does not matter if she notices. When you say no for him, it does not matter if she is disappointed. When you speak truth for him, it does not matter if they do not understand yet. The audience shift changes everything because it removes the power from every person in your life and it puts it back where it belongs. And practically start small. You do not have to overhaul everything at once. Just practice a clean no this week one time without overexplaining, without a three-paragraph apology, without making sure she's okay with it before you hang up. Just I'm not able to do that. Thank you for thinking of me. Full stop. Notice how that feels. Notice the discomfort. Notice the discomfort passes. Notice that the relationship probably survived. And notice that you feel more like yourself than you have in a while. That is what freedom feels like. And it gets easier every time you choose it. People pleasing is one of those things that is so woven into how a lot of us were raised that it barely feels like a choice anymore. It just feels like who we are. But it is not who we are. It is what you learned to do to stay safe. And you do not need to stay safe that way anymore because you are held, you are known, you are loved by someone whose opinion of you never changes based on your performance. Live for that audience. Just that one. We're still digging. There's still more to come. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone that may need to hear it today. If you're struggling with boundaries, pick up my book, Boundaries Not Barriers, Peace Over People. You can find it at Amazon and Barnes Noble. The song I use in this episode is titled Peace Be Still. It's on my album, Me Again God, and can be found on all music platforms. This song I wrote straight from my heart. He calmed the sea and he calmed me. I see what he can do. Please share it if you like it. And let me know what you think. I love the reactions. Until next time.