The Quiet Kind of Grief

There’s a kind of grief we don’t talk about enough, the grief of losing someone who’s still alive.

A friendship that faded.
A parent you had to walk away from.
A person who used to know your whole heart… and now doesn’t even know your number.

This week on Me, Myself and Ri, I’m naming that kind of loss.
The quiet grief. The one you carry in silence.

Because it’s real. And you’re not alone in it.

🎧 Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.

Transcript

0:12

Welcome back to me, myself and Ry. Today's the first official, official episode, and today I wanna talk about a kind of grief that doesn't always get the space it deserves the kind of grief you carry, not because someone passed away, but because someone chose to leave or had to be let go. This is about grieving someone who's still alive. There's a different kind of ache that comes when someone has gone from your life, but still walking around in the world. I know this kind of grief personally. I'm not gonna go into all the details, but someone who once held a big place in my life who should have always held that place, decided to walk away. And while I don't wanna share everything, I do think context is important. So today, during this podcast, I'm gonna be talking about my dad. So for some background that I think is very important is that my dad was always a huge part of my life, would consider myself a daddy's girl pretty much growing up. when my parents split up, back when I was in sixth grade, my dad lived in several different, you know, apartments or whatever, and I always got the master bedroom and my own bathroom because he wanted me to come, you know, stay with him. My dad went to all of my performances, anything I had for school, outside of school, et cetera. My college was two hours away from my hometown and my dad never missed anything. He was there for. I was in acapella. My dad was there for all my performances. He helped me move in and out of places. He was very involved in my life. Him and I would talk on the phone every single day. We were very close when my now husband, Jason wanted to propose to me. He asked my dad for permission. So just to give you some context, like that was important to me and Jason respected my dad enough to ask him that. And then. You know, he was a big part of my wedding. Obviously like walked me down the aisle. We did a first look together and then when we found out we were expecting my daughter, my dad cried because he was so excited to be a grandfather. Yeah. Even now when I see someone that knew my dad, they are shocked to hear that we don't talk to him anymore. I was photographing a wedding a couple weeks ago and I ran into an old family friend, and of course, you know, we did the normal chit chat and they said, oh, you know, how's your mom and how's your dad? And it's so awkward because I'm not gonna get into the whole story. And I feel like it's hard to you, you wanna give context because. It's so weird just to say, oh, we don't talk to them anymore. But I typically say something along the lines of, you know, he's not in our life anymore, and everyone is always so shocked. I, I don't, I, I haven't really had anybody say like, oh, I understand, or, oh, I'm sorry. It's always, what do you mean what happened? Where, where is he at? What is he doing? What's going on? Because that my dad, everyone knew my dad and liked my dad. So that's been an interesting thing to navigate too, because. I don't wanna say too much, but I say enough to give them a little bit of, Hey, this is what's happening, but I don't really wanna talk about it and people are respectful. But that's been a very interesting part of this where I'm like, okay, I'm not crazy. People did see how he was as a dad. And kind of like the classic story, he met someone, um, and started dating her and then kind of slowly pushed my brother and I away. And then that led to pretty much zero contact. He then moved to a different state, did not tell us, and it's been just about a year since I've talked to him. And so this has probably been, I would say, one of the hardest things I've ever been through. And I think it is worse because him and I were so close. So it's not like he just was never around. And that was my normal life. He was very much around. And so one of the last conversations I had with him. I told him that I felt like it would be easier if he had died because I think then there was never a choice that was made. But because he made that choice, it like made it harder in a way. And so, you know, I've truly have been really trying to figure out how to mourn someone who's still alive because it's not like, you know, I could go to a funeral. There's no formal goodbye. And I'm someone who really needs closure. I struggle when I don't have closure. For any really anything and for something of as big as this, that's been, I think the biggest challenge for me is that the last conversation we had was not great. And then he hung up on me and, um, it's now been a full year of, no happy holidays, no happy birthdays. No. Hey, how are you doing? This kind of grief shows up in the weirdest ways as grief does. Maybe you think about them when a song plays, you think of something funny, you wanna tell them, and then you have to stop yourself from texting them. I, um, you know, last week was Thanksgiving and I was, I'm always in charge of deviled eggs. That's my new thing the past couple of years. And I used my dad's recipe for that. And so I was like making it. And I had a screenshot of a text message he had sent me. Of the recipe that he always used. And I felt myself getting really sad 'cause I was like, wow. I could, you know, in the past I would text him and be like, Hey, making the deviled eggs, you know, whatever. And I, it was just like such a weird moment where I was like, oh wow, I can't talk to him. And I think Thanksgiving was like a really big perspective for me, um, because I, you know, most of my life, I just always really wanted everything to feel normal, like I wanted. My family to feel normal. I wanted everything to just be calm and not complicated. And this year we had two really great Thanksgivings. We were with my my mom's side on part of the day, and then my husband's side on the other part of the day. And, you know, it was like. None of it's, it's, it is normal. Like there's no like normal way of doing things. And I was like looking at these two groups of people that very much still like care about me and love me. And while it's not like the standard Thanksgiving of everything being in its place, it's still really special and still really important. And I felt so happy when I went to bed on Thursday 'cause I was like, oh my gosh, like this is good. Like my life is good. My, the people I have around me are good. And so, even though I had that weird moment. In the beginning of the day where I, I found myself, like I could have went into this hole of like being upset. I was just surrounded by such great people and it made me really thankful that I still have amazing people in my life and it is normal that what we have, you know, it's special. We created it, we're part of it, and it's, it's beautiful in its own way. I think this will be the third Christmas that we haven't spent with my dad or my dad's side of the family. I'll never forget that first Christmas when he told my brother and I that he was going to be going out of town for Christmas. I was devastated. I mean, I, I cried a lot, um, hearing that because we always did the same thing like. If there's one thing my family always did, it was like we had our staple holidays and even after my parents got divorced, I very much did the same things. We would go to my mom's side on Christmas Eve, we go to my dad's side on Christmas, and that was always the normal. And then that turned into us hosting my husband's side on the day after Christmas. And so we just had these like three really awesome days of like tradition and. Everyone being together and I got to see everyone. And so when I found out that we weren't going to be seeing him or any of them, I was heartbroken and my husband and I, we thought, okay, so what can we now do like for our own tradition? We now spend Christmas morning with my brother and his family, which has been so fun. I have a niece who's a little younger than my daughter, and so it's so fun to see them together. And then my family and I come back and we have been eating Chinese food and it's been awesome. And we watch a Christmas movie or go see Christmas lights or do something fun and just spend it together. And so I think what this has really taught me is that like, you know, you make your own traditions. It doesn't always have to be what it was before. And while, yes, I was sad, I think that it's now been fun to really be with my own family and you know, do new things. But I have to be honest that at first it was like absolutely devastating to me. I. So really a big part of this is just taking it day by day. Um, you know, there are good days, there are bad days. I, for a really long time, I was having horrible dreams and this was like kind of going on for a long time, like a few months to the point where like, I scheduled like a, a special like therapy session. And I was like, what do I, how do I get rid of this? Like, what do I do? And it would be days that I wouldn't even think about it. And then I would go to bed and I'd have this horrible dream. And the dreams were never positive. They were never hopeful. It was like he would show up at my door and say like, Hey, I just wanted you to know that I don't miss you guys. I'm happy with my life and I don't regret anything. It would be things like that. And then I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. 'cause then I would be so upset and I just wanted it to leave my mind so bad. I was just like, why can't this leave me alone? Like, I'm really trying to move on, but there's something in my mind that is just like holding me up. I think I was really holding on to this hope deep in my mind that I thought things would change or thought they would get better. And I know I haven't given a super long timeline of how all this went down, but pretty much I got married in 2020. Things were good. I had my daughter in 2022. Things were okay. We're now in 2025 and have no contact. So. Within a five year span. That's kind of how things happened. And I think that I kept idolizing and fantasizing about this person and I thought that it could get better. And so I think these dreams in a way were a way of my like internal deep mind telling me, no Riley, they're not gonna get better. This is what it is. This is how he is, this is who he is. And you need to let it go because I think if I were to have had positive dreams where there was a happy ending, maybe I would've kept holding on to that. I think it was my mind battling each other with what was reality and what I was wishing for. and so. That's been a challenge, like trying to navigate those things or like when you get reminded of things too. Um, so I'm a, I'm a photographer and so I do a lot of weddings and so I had 27 weddings this year, and so that was 27 times I watched a dad give a speech about his daughter, about how great she was, how beautiful she was, you know, him getting emotional, seeing her on her wedding day and. You know, just like how proud they are of their child. And I know that I somewhat got to experience that at my own wedding. You know, I got to do the first dance with my dad and things like that. But I think for me, it's like being reminded of what it was like for me at some point where I felt like I had that and then like seeing other people have that I'm jealous, right? Like I'm, I'm like, ugh. And so I sit there taking pictures and I feel so. Like sad in that moment, but also happy for those people that they get something that's like so special. Because I know that that's not always the normal situation, but I don't think people realize like how special those connections are because I know that not every parent is perfect by any means, but when you have someone that cares enough about you to say those things about you, to you in front of people and then doing the dance, like all those things that you're supposed to be doing. It's just, it's really special. And so while I'm glad I, I did get to experience that, I think it makes it a little bit more sad for me because I know that it will never be like that again. And then there's this whole other level added to it. Now being a parent myself, because I look at my daughter, my daughter's three and a half, and I'm like, man, there really is nothing I think she could do that would make me not want her to be in my life anymore. Like, I can't even like fathom that, you know? I'm like, how can you have two children, granddaughters and you just don't care, and so. I think that's been difficult. I was very lucky. I grew up with two really amazing sets of grandparents who were very active in my life, who went to everything. We stayed at their house all the time. They were very involved. I have one grandma left who's amazing. But you know, I feel sad when I think that my child isn't gonna have the same experience that I did. And again, this does go, always goes back to the perspective of like, I know we have great people in our life, and I I'm not saying I don't, but I just. That has been challenging for me as a parent just thinking like, man, like that's your child. How could you do that to your child? And I know in the end, it'll just make me a better parent. And I know that like for a fact, because I will never want to do the negative things that I saw my parents do to my brother and I, but. Yeah, that's been, I think a big challenging piece of this is just wanting the best for my daughter as well, and to a certain extent, that's also protecting her from people that aren't worthy of her. And so that's also a good perspective I've been trying to give myself is like, wow, you're missing out on such an incredible person because she is an incredible person and I'm an incredible person, and my husband's a incredible person. And so I think it's like, okay, well that's unfortunate for you. And so I want to say to anyone who's listening, who's carrying that quiet grief that you're not crazy, you're not weak, you're not bitter, you're grieving something real, that something that mattered. And whether it was a parent like me, a really close, you know, childhood friend who you're no longer friends with. Um, maybe it was a boyfriend or girlfriend or a husband or wife or whatever, and you, got divorced and you're still mourning that relationship if they're no longer in your life. You feel the ache of that. You are allowed to mourn it. There is no right or wrong way of mourning it. Everyone has their own way of doing things. For me, what's been helpful, for starters, I talk about this a lot. I have the past year, my poor friends have heard me. Talk about this till I'm blue in the face. I'm just someone who needs to talk about it, and that's been extremely helpful and I'm so thankful for them that they just, every time I need to speak on it, they let me. I also have sought out, other people who let me talk about it. So obviously therapy's important and I hope you go to therapy, but that's been. Huge for me is talking out with her and also finding ways of like, what's next? What can I do next to help be helpful? I also talked to people who knew my dad to also give me their perspective. I say knew my dad because I think that they did know him, but they don't anymore. I don't think that he's the same person in any capacity. And so that's been difficult because I think just in general, like as you become an adult. You really look at things from a different perspective, a very much higher perspective. You know, when you're a kid, you idolize your parents, you think they can't do anything wrong, they're just the, you know, they're so perfect. And now being an adult, and I'm kind of looking back at, you know, the last 30 years of my life, I'm like, well, you weren't actually like the greatest person ever. I mean, yes, we were close, and yes, you were an overall good parent, but there were things, there were moments and so. It's been interesting talking to people like in our family, some of his friends, and just asking them like, what are you seeing? How are, what do you feel? And thankfully it seems like it's an ongoing trend and it's not just on me and my brother. So that piece has been definitely important because it's, I know more on him than it is on us. Because of course you go through that period of time where you think like, did I do something wrong? Is this my fault? But I know that it's not that way. So talking to different people that knew him and how he was, has been extremely helpful. I also saw a psychic medium who actually gave me a very different perspective and made me feel almost hopeful, which I don't know if I need the hopefulness at this point, but. That was good. Um, I also wrote a letter that I will never send, but it was good for me just to get everything off my chest, so that was important for me to do too. I've been talking about doing this podcast for a very long time, and specifically this topic because I think that no one really talks about this, uh, specifically, and this can go for so many different things, and that's what I really want to hit home with all of you, is that I'm just one perspective. This could feel and be anything that you are experiencing in your life. I could talk about this for way more things than just my dad. I think it's the biggest one, but I have friendships. I have, um, other relationships that I feel similar to. Not to this, you know, extreme of a situation, but I hope that it brings you some sort of peace in whatever you're going through. And I've had people ask me, well, what happens if your dad listens to this? Which. I don't know how he would, I don't know how he would know about it. If he does hear it, then great. He can hear how I feel. I am to the point now in my life that there's not really anything that could be said or done that would make me want any type of relationship with him. And I feel that way because how could there be any trust after what's happened? I think it's also very important to have boundaries, and so I hope that you have those similar boundaries for yourself and for your relationships because that is key in the healing process. So my final reflection on this is if you're going through this, I'm really sorry. It's horrible. It's not fun, and I feel for you. I think that what's been the most helpful thing for me at the end of the day is that I have a really great life. I have a really great life. I have a great family. I love being a mom. I love working. I love doing all the things I do. And. It's unfortunate that I feel like I'm missing a part of myself in a way. However, I think it's made up by all of the positive things that I have. And so I hope you remember that for yourself too. That these people, whether you had to let them go or they let you go, are not worthy of you or your time or your space or your peace, and that has been very. Uh, reassuring to me because our piece is just so important and boundaries are important, and we should never let anybody take away our time and our mind and our hearts that just don't belong there. Something that I have learned from this experience too is just how important it's to show up for people. I really do my best to show up for people that I care about, and I'm not always perfect. Um, you know, but I do my best. And I think that, you don't know what people are going through and it's just be a good friend, be a good person. I love my friends, I love my family, and I just want to make it a priority in my life to be there for the people that I say I care about. So I think if anything, this has taught me that relationships are so important and I want to be a part of those people's lives. Thank you so much for listening, and if you have any stories or experiences that you would like to share, my messages are always open. I am still trying to figure out this whole podcast deal. It's been fun figuring out these different platforms and how I record and edit and do all the things, so I appreciate you sticking with me, and I'm excited to learn more and to do lots of more episodes. Next time on me, myself and Ry, we're talking about all the things I stopped caring about once I became a mom. You might be surprised at how much you change when you start caring about one person more than what other people think, including yourself. Thank you so much and we'll talk soon.