Why Does Reaching Out Feel So Complicated Now? | How Overthinking is Quietly Creating Distance in Your Relationships

You think about someone and tell yourself you will reach out later. Later turns into weeks. Weeks turn into that quiet guilt of knowing you have been meaning to call but somehow never do. In this episode we talk about why something as simple as sending a text or making a call can feel so loaded as we get older. The overthinking around timing, the fear of coming across as too much or not enough, and the way small hesitations can unintentionally create distance between people we actually care about. Connection does not have to be this complicated but for a lot of us it has quietly become that way. This conversation is about naming why.

🎧 If you have ever meant to reach out but talked yourself out of it, this one is for you. Come listen.

Transcript

Welcome Back And Big Question

Speaker 0:08

Hey friends, welcome back to another episode of Becoming with Kethney. Have you ever thought about reaching out to someone, but then telling yourself, I'll do it later, but you actually don't? I was reflecting and I was thinking that the phrase, or even the thought, I'll do it later, is probably one of the most common excuses that we use that basically keeps distance between people. And because of that we just don't stay connected. It's not because you don't care, but "I'll do it later" means that you push it off and just don't get it done in the moment. And for me, I started noticing this pattern. People would cross my mind, whether it's family members, friends, but then I don't reach out to them in that moment. I come up with an excuse, whether it's because it's the work day, or it's too early, or it's too late in the evening, or I just make an excuse in the sense of, oh, I don't want to impede on their life because I know they have things going on and they're probably busy in this moment. And so you end up delaying it and forgetting it because you tell yourself "I'll do it later". The thing is, we don't forget people. We just delay reaching out to them. And that's something that we have the power to fix. As an overthinker, it's almost like we're looking for the perfect time to reach out. And I want to tell you that you don't need a perfect time. Stop coming up with reasons to delay the connection, to delay the outreach. The overthinking causes us to turn something simple into something that we all of sudden need to plan for. And you know what I started thinking that this use to be different when we were younger. When we were children in school. When we wanted to reach out to our friends, family, we would just do it. There'd be no overthinking. There'd be no hesitation. It could literally be 2am in the morning and you'd send your friend a text. And there's no worries in the sense of "Oh they might be sleeping". The thought crossed your mind. You sent it to them and whenever they respond, they'd respond. There wasn't a need of "oh man, am I distrubing them?"."Is a notification going to wake them up?" "I don't want to be a problem." Like that wasn't a thing. Even to family members, like you miss your grandparents? No matter the time of day you give them a call. Now they might not answer depending if it's their bed time but the thing I want to stress here is that we didn't delay the outreach. The moment the thought crossed our mind we just acted. So then what actually changed between when we were younger to now? And I think with adulthood comes awareness of time, boundaries and interruptions. And so with that awareness, we impose more assumptions on people's schedules, people's lives, because your lens is different. You understand as an adult yourself all the responsibilities you're juggling. So it's almost like you're imposing your own schedule onto theirs and being maybe overconsiderate in the sense of, oh man, you know, they might be working, dropping their kids off, managing the home. There's and there's always so many different things that we could come up with because we have that level of awareness now of that time and of boundaries and of responsibilities. And so then it causes that hesitation for us to reach out, which is why we say "I'll do it later". And I think that's the key reason why connection it's not that it got harder but it's that we started over thinking it. And the part that we don't really talk about often is that small delays can cause large gaps, large levels of distance. Because "I'll do it later" can be days, weeks, months later. And then you go from this person crossed my mind so many time. You miss them. You want to reach out. to why now it's been so long. Is it weird at this point to reach out? Should they reach out to me? And I feel like in adulthood if you have two people who are overthinkers doing the same thing, it causes that connection to grow in the opposite way. That distance between the two people grows.

Speaker 1 6:42

And once again it's not because we don't care. It's far from that.

Technology Can Reduce Or Restore Connection

Challenge Yourself And Closing Ask

Speaker 6:47

And I realized something. The moment you think about someone, you should just reach out. Just reach out to them. I did this the other day. I caught myself saying I'll do it later, and said, you know what? It may be 11 p.m. right now, but I'm gonna send that text. When that person receives it, they'll receive it and they'll respond when they can respond. But I'm going to let them know that I was thinking of them, that I missed them, they crossed my mind, and they're still a person of value to me. Overthinkers I feel like with this awareness as you grow into adulthood, you're trying to think of the perfect time. But there's no perfect time for connection. If anything the time is the moment that it crosses your mind. Act. Act now at that very moment. And that's something that I reflected on. And I feel like in adulthood people say this a lot where connections aren't the same as it was when you were maybe in school or younger, because we all have all this responsibility, but I just want to say I think we're getting in our own way, especially as we're in a society where you know, very technology forward. And on one hand, you know, with with social media, with AI, there's a lot of things that I guess minimizing the human touch, the human connection, but with these same technologies, our cell phones, we can use them. We can use them, we can use ourselves to continue nourishing those connections. And so maybe it's not about finding the perfect timing, but being aware when the I'll do it later crosses your mind and not overthinking that and just doing it at the moment. So I'm curious do you do this too or am I the only one? Who have you wanted to reach out to that you've pushed off from doing? That's your reflection for this week. And if you can think of that one person, I challenge you to send a text let them know you were thinking of them. Don't overthink it. And if you have been experiencing this, feeling like this, feeling like you know you're getting in your own way or connections are hard, or that I'll do it later continues crossing your mind, you're not alone. But like a lot of adults do that. And so I challenge you, I challenge you to notice the pattern when you start overthinking in that way and to try and go against it. Tell yourself that hey, sending a text message is not gonna hurt. If you like this episode, remember to like, follow, and subscribe. And I can't wait to see you at the next episode. Thank you. Until next time. Bye.