FCLP 17 | Why You Keep Second-Guessing Your Leadership - The Likability Trap

In this insightful leadership episode of the Female Church Leaders Podcast, Kadi Cole explores a common tension many women experience as their leadership grows: the internal pressure to balance being liked with being respected. While this dynamic is rarely stated out loud, it often shapes how decisions are made, how clearly leaders communicate, and how fully they step into their calling.

This episode helps female church leaders recognize when the desire for approval is quietly influencing their leadership and offers a healthier framework for navigating relational expectations without shrinking their authority. You’ll gain perspective on how this tension shows up in ministry environments and how anchoring your leadership in calling - rather than approval - creates clarity, confidence, and long-term impact.

TIMESTAMPS

01:17 - The Likability Trap: choosing between being liked or respected 

01:50 - How men and women experience leadership growth differently 

05:55 - Why The Likability Trap shows up strongly in church environments 

09:20 - Kadi's personal story: 360 feedback

09:15 - Not every challenge is The Likability Trap

12:05 - Practical steps to navigate The Likability Trap

Resources mentioned;

Emerging Trends in Leadership Development  - kadicole.com/trends

Next Steps and Resources:

• Take the Quiz: Identify your growth gap with our Sticky Floor Quiz at femalechurchleaders.com.
• Join a Cohort: Be part of our next Closing the Leadership Gap cohort for guided coaching and monthly Q&A with Kadi. Visit closingtheleadershipgap.com to learn more.
• Stay Connected: Follow us on Instagram @femalechurchleaders for daily encouragement and leadership tools.
• Spread the Word: If you found this episode helpful, please follow, rate, and share the podcast to help us reach more female church leaders.

Tune in and get ready to lead with clarity, strength, and joy. Your calling matters, and we're here to support you every step of the way!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Female Church Leaders Podcast, a weekly resource for women who love God, love the church, and are called to lead. I'm your host, Katie Cole, Church Leader, Autor, and Executive Coach. After more than 30 years in full-time ministry, often as the only woman at the table, I understand how meaningful yet challenging your calling can be. That's why I created this podcast to remind you that you're not leading alone. Each week, I'll share practical tools, biblical insights, and honest encouragement for the real challenges female leaders face in ministry. So you can grow your skills, strengthen your faith, and lead with more confidence and joy without burning out or striving to prove yourself. We drop a new episode every Monday because Sunday is coming and you are gonna be ready for it. Have you ever been in a moment where you knew the right decision, but you could already feel the relational cost of making it? Maybe it meant implementing a change, holding someone accountable, or moving a ministry forward when others were more comfortable keeping things the way they were. And somewhere in the back of your mind, a quiet calculation started happening. If I do this, will people still want to follow me? Or more closely, will they still like me? That internal tension is something many female leaders experience, especially as their leadership grows. Researchers call it the likability trap. The likability trap describes the pressure many women feel in leadership to choose between being liked as a woman or being respected as a leader. Not because someone has formally asked us to make that choice, but because we can feel the tension internally. We start to wonder: if I lead decisively, will people think I'm harsh? If I enforce standards, will they think I'm difficult? If I move things forward, will I lose relational trust? And suddenly leadership decisions begin to feel personal. Now, here's what makes this especially interesting. Research in organizational leadership consistently shows that men tend to experience the opposite pattern as they grow in leadership. When men begin to grow in their leadership, start making difficult decisions, setting direction, and navigating complex challenges, people often begin to respect them more. Their decisiveness signals confidence. Their focus signals competence. Their leadership signals strength. And as respect for their leadership grows, something else often grows alongside it. People frequently begin to like them more as well. They're seen as someone you want to be on your team, someone you trust to lead, someone you want to hang out with. For women, this often feels like a choice. Do I want to be respected or liked? For men, they get both at the same time. This is mostly because, culturally, women have been taught a very specific model of what a good woman looks and behaves like. She's warm, soft, welcoming, nurturing, relationally available. And those are wonderful qualities. They reflect many beautiful aspects of Christian character. But leadership responsibilities often require additional qualities as well: clarity, authority, boundaries, accountability, decision making. And when a woman begins operating with those leadership strengths, people often question the shift. Not because she's becoming less caring, but because she's now stewarding a different level of responsibility. And in church environments, that shift can feel especially complicated. Because Christian women are often discipled to be endlessly kind, endlessly supportive, endlessly available. So when leadership begins requiring firmness, clarity, difficult decisions, and disappointing people, many women suddenly feel like they're stepping outside the expectations people have for them as a good woman. That's the heart of the likability trap. And it's not that people are consciously deciding whether to respect you or like you. It's that you begin to feel like you're not allowed to be both. And that internal pressure can make leadership feel far heavier than it actually needs to be. So today, I want to talk about this dynamic, how it shows up in ministry leadership, why so many women experience it, and how we can lead faithfully without letting the fear of losing likability quietly limit our calling. Or to put it in one simple sentence, the likability trap is what happens when a leader starts shrinking their leadership in order to protect their approval. And once you understand that pressure, you can begin learning how to lead beyond it. I remember the first time I really felt this tension in my own leadership. When I was in my early 20s, I was working as a director at a university. And like many organizations, they used 360-degree feedback as part of leadership development. If you've never gone through a 360 review, it's exactly what it sounds like: feedback from all directions. Your boss, your peers, and your team all provide anonymous input about how you're doing as a leader. It's incredibly helpful. But let me tell you, the first few times you go through it are not always easy. Now, overall, my feedback was really positive. My team was doing great, projects were moving forward, the leaders around me were encouraged by my work. But there was one group that had consistently negative feedback for me, the secretaries. Their feedback basically said that I didn't stop and chat with them about their weekends, that it seemed like I didn't care about them personally. And I remember reading that and thinking, what? Of course I cared about them. But in my mind, I was there to work. I was focused on projects and responsibilities I had been given. Work was exciting to me. I loved what we were building together. I didn't feel the need to hang around the break room talking over coffee or joining every social moment that happened in the office. And I remember thinking, I'm not even paid to hang out. I'm not paid to socialize, I'm paid to get my job done. Now, of course, over the years I've learned a lot about the importance of relational connections and leadership, especially in church environments where community matters deeply. But that moment opened my eyes to something important. Different people were evaluating my leadership through different expectations of likability. And even though I was leading well, my relational connection with others also mattered. I learned a lot in that season about slowing down, taking time with people to express the care I felt for them, and overall becoming more aware of my presence as a leader. It was an invaluable lesson. Leadership requires balancing relational connection with forward movement, and women often experience unique pressure in that balance. Now, the likability trap can show up anywhere, but it often shows up strongly in church environments for two unique reasons. First, ministry cultures often place a very high value on community, kindness, and emotional support. And those are beautiful values. But sometimes they get interpreted as meaning that women in leadership should always be relationally available, emotionally supportive, endlessly patient, and universally liked. Now, in case you are wondering, that is absolutely an impossible standard to achieve. You may feel that pressure, but I want to assure you that trying to meet that standard will only weaken your leadership and burn you out. By the way, that's not what Jesus did. He often disappointed people, left people unhealed, and said no to what others considered to be big ministry opportunities for him. He is our example, not the idealistic social pressures around us. Second, women themselves can sometimes reinforce these expectations onto each other. And I want to say this gently but honestly. Some of the strongest resistance female leaders experience actually come from other women. Sometimes it shows up as, ooh, she's a little intense. She's kind of hard to approach. Oh, she's pretty intimidating. I've learned that when I hear those kinds of phrases, what's likely happening is that the woman is simply leading decisively and not holding back because of what other women were taught was acceptable. Now, that doesn't mean relational skills don't matter. They absolutely do. But sometimes we unintentionally place expectations on women that we simply do not place on men. And when that happens, women can begin to feel like they are constantly navigating the impossible likability trap. Do I move things forward or do I make sure everyone will still like me? One of the things I talk about in my books is that sometimes leadership requires making an informed choice about the cost you're willing to pay. In one of the large church roles I served in, I was overseeing multiple campuses as an executive director. It was a fast-paced environment with a lot of complex dynamics. Moving things forward was a major part of my responsibility. And at times, I knew that meant some people were not going to like every decision I made. Now, I always tried to implement decisions relationally. I spent a lot of time investing in people, listening carefully, and building trust. But at the end of the day, I knew something important. My ultimate responsibility was obedience to God's calling. And sometimes that meant choosing respect over immediate likability. What I discovered over time, however, was very interesting. Many of the people who initially felt unsure about my leadership eventually saw the results of the work, and their respect grew. And as their respect for my leadership grew, men started to like me more. My connections with my male peers lightened up. We had more camaraderie and even friendship. And as that happened, eventually many of the women came around too. Now, I wish I could say everyone started to love me. That is definitely not true. But as I focused on my calling and being obedient to the responsibilities I was given to Steward, I did find that the right women started to show up. The ones who also led well, the ones who could relate to my situation, the ones who knew how to offer support and perspective for someone in my role. Respect often precedes lasting relational trust, especially with those closest to you. Now, every church environment is different, so you need to be wise with the reality in which you are leading. But if you feel like you are being forced to choose between being respected as a leader and being everyone's friend, choosing respect may just get you both in the long run. Now, on the flip side, not every relational challenge is the likability trap. Sometimes feedback about relational dynamics is actually helpful leadership growth. There's a difference between being trapped by unrealistic expectations and being difficult to work with. Healthy leaders pay attention to both. Here are a few questions that can help you discern the difference. If multiple people are telling you, you interrupt others frequently, you dismiss ideas quickly, you rarely acknowledge contributions, you create tension in team environments. That is not the likability trap. That's probably a relational leadership skill set that you need to work on developing. And that's okay. Every leader grows in this area over time. Great leadership includes building rapport, listening well, celebrating and thanking others, and creating environments where people feel respected. So part of navigating the likability trap is also maintaining humility and self-awareness. Healthy leaders stay coachable and open to feedback always. Ultimately, the likability trap is not just a leadership challenge, it's a spiritual challenge. Because at its core, it asks a deeper question: whose approval matters most? Scripture reminds us in Galatians 1.10 am I trying now to win the approval of human beings or of God? See, leadership requires anchoring our identity somewhere deeper than public opinion. As I mentioned earlier, Jesus himself experienced this tension constantly. Some people loved him, others criticized him relentlessly, but Jesus stayed focused on the mission the Father had given him. And that same clarity can guide us today. You can pursue relational warmth, you can build strong community, but your leadership cannot be anchored in universal approval. It has to be anchored in faithfulness to God's calling. And here's one extra thought for you. Female leaders today have the opportunity not just to navigate the likability trap, but to change the culture for women coming after us. And that begins with how we treat each other. Now, let me be honest, even after years of working on this topic, I still sometimes catch myself having critical thoughts when I see another woman stepping up into leadership. Maybe she leads differently than I would. Maybe I wonder if she really sees people. Maybe I find myself thinking, I could have done that better. But every time that happens, I try to pause and recognize that that is not the Spirit of God. That is my flesh talking. And I have to make a clear choice. Instead of criticizing, I choose to pray for her. Instead of questioning her leadership, I try to champion her success. Because the truth is, we still do not have enough women serving in high levels of local church leadership to waste energy tearing each other down. The women serving faithfully on the front lines of ministry are not our competition. They are our teammates. So let's fight for unity. Let's speak life over one another, and let's celebrate each other's leadership. So, how do we navigate the likability trap in practical ways? Here are three leadership practices that can help. First, invest in real relationships, not performative ones, not strategic ones, but genuine care for the people around you. Second, lead with clarity and kindness. You can communicate decisions firmly and still treat people with dignity and respect. If you have to make tough decisions, be kind enough to make it clear. Dancing around the issue only complicates the situation. And third, anchor your identity in calling, not approval. Your leadership is not validated by universal applause. It is validated by faithful obedience to what God has entrusted to you. Do your best and let God handle the rest. Here's your action step for this week. It's a simple reflection exercise. Ask yourself two questions. One, where might I be holding back in leadership because I'm afraid of not being liked? And two, where might God be inviting me to lead with greater courage and clarity? Leadership maturity often begins right here. If this podcast has been helpful to you, I'd love it if you would take a moment to rate the show. It helps more female church leaders find these important conversations. We also have a new resource on emerging trends and leadership development that you can download from the show notes. To every woman faithfully serving in ministry today, even in the moments when leadership feels complicated and costly, your leadership matters. Your calling matters. Your faithfulness matters. And we are here to cheer you on. I'm so glad we got to spend this time together on the Female Church Leaders podcast. I hope you're walking away encouraged, equipped, and reminded that your calling truly matters. To keep growing, join us for our next Closing the Leadership Gap cohort at ClosingTheLeadershipGap.com. It's a guided coaching experience, including live QA with me, designed to accelerate your leadership journey. If this podcast has been helpful to you, would you please take a moment to follow, rate, and share it? Your engagement helps the algorithms suggest our resources to female church leaders we haven't had a chance to meet yet. And don't forget to follow at female church leaders on Instagram for encouragement and leadership tools designed just for you. You can also follow my personal feed at Katie Cole, spelled K A D I C O L E. Keep leading faithfully, keep growing your leadership gifts, and I'll see you next Monday because Sunday is coming and you are going to be ready for it.