Michael's Story | Roads to Recovery

In this powerful Episode 4 of "Roads to Recovery," host Jim Russell introduces the deeply personal and transformative journey of Michael, a man whose life was shaped by early family values, athletic promise, and ultimately, the struggle with substance use disorder. The episode opens with a reflection on the universal search for belonging and fulfillment that often underlies substance use disorder, setting the stage for Michael’s candid and moving narrative.

Michael recounts his upbringing in Danville, Illinois, under the guidance of hard-working, God-fearing parents. Despite a strict household and modest means, he excelled in sports, particularly football, and enjoyed the admiration of his peers. Yet, experimentation with alcohol and drugs in his youth became the “gateway” to deeper struggles. After high school, Michael’s life took several turns, from early marriage and fatherhood to military service and a return home after an injury, a period marked by attempts to live up to his father’s standards and provide for his family.

As responsibilities mounted and personal disappointments accumulated, Michael found himself drawn deeper into substance use. He describes how curiosity, stress, and self-medication gradually overtook his life, leading to substance use disorder, broken relationships, and missed opportunities. Michael’s story is honest about the cycles of guilt, self-forgiveness, and the challenge of breaking free from the grip of substance use disorder.

Even in his darkest moments, Michael never lost touch with his spiritual roots. He attributes his eventual recovery to faith and family support, especially from his steadfast mother and loving daughter. He shares the crucial realization that recovery is not just about stopping drug use, but about rebuilding trust, seeking help, and transforming one’s mindset.

This episode is an inspiring testament to the resilience of the human spirit, the power of community, and the importance of compassion for those on their own road to recovery.

Every journey to recovery is unique, but hope and healing are possible.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I gave up on myself. Life was supposed to be good. When you grew up around uh hardworking black men that were trying to prove a point to society that they were just as equal, they were just as hard working men, and that we're not all bad guys, we're not all murderers, we're not all women beaters. So it's a it's a pressure to to live up to a certain code. When you lose, it's like shattering because you you wasn't built to lose. It's like a big letdown, man.

Intro 0:26

This is a true story. My negative choices started really, really young.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

I didn't have any friends that were sober. I didn't wake up one day and say, I don't think I'm gonna be a drug addict today.

Intro 0:35

I didn't want to feel the pain I was feeling anymore. Immediately I'm not in control. It's never enough. He's like, here, try this. And I almost lost my life.

SPEAKER_02 0:46

That is my main motivator.

Intro 0:48

I don't want to go through this.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

We do recover in Flaming County, but nobody can tell me any different.

Intro 0:56

Viewer discretion is advised. The content in this video addresses sensitive topics related to drugs and alcohol and may not be suitable for all audiences. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered as personal medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment recommendations. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional or a substance use disorder specialist for personalized guidance. The views and opinions expressed are those of the individuals presenting them and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Vermillion County Public Health or the Vermilion County Mental Health 708 Board.

Jim Russell 1:30

Hi, I'm Jim Russell, and I'm your host for Roads to Recovery. We've been looking at some common themes that can run through a lot of these stories that we're looking at. One of those is that uh some people uh turn to a substance because they're looking for a particular feeling, um a feeling of belonging, um, a feeling of something that's uh enjoyable at least momentarily, um uh a feeling that they're more than what they picture themselves to be. But then the the risk, the dangers of turning to that substance uh show up when it impacts employment, when it impacts family, uh, when it changes a person's life entirely and turns them and their lifestyle into something that they never expected. And you'll hear some of these themes in Michael's story.

SPEAKER_03 2:26

Shed back, me, shack, and a bendigo. We're all in the fire. No one from birth becomes a murderer or a crack addict or a heroin addict or a liar or cheater. Those are developed traits. If you talk to most of them down inside, man, if you have really a heart to heart with them, that's not who they really are. Are you gonna come back out here to do some more sex more up? Oh, yeah. Today, yeah. I'm enjoying being a grandparent. I got uh six grandkids. No, no pressures, no worries. You know, God's been good to me. Born and raised here in Danville. My dad, he was a uh certified GMC mechanic, hardworking man, and my mom worked with uh community action. She'd worked her way up the ranks. God-fearing parents. Life was okay. I mean, we didn't have a lot, but we had enough. We never went hungry, always had decent clothes on, wasn't a real social butterfly. My like my dad was so strict that we didn't have people spend the night with us and we couldn't spend the night with people. I had a car and everything, and I still had to be in at midnight. I never saw my mom smoke or drink or none of that, cuss or none of that. My dad was known as being a ladies' man, drinking, playing cards, and that kind of lifestyle was just a given. All through I played sports, coming up little league, baseball, football. My senior year in high school, that was really like the cream of the crop for me. I uh I excelled in football. I was all on in the radio and on the newspapers. We was like in the 70s and and hippies and all of that. Some of the white guys uh that I played football with, we'd take a couple of pills of speed in the end. It was just speed. You'd take some of them before the game. We might go to the liquor store and the old wino would be outside. We could give him a couple dollars and he'd buy us beer, you know. We would drink quarts of beer and all of that. So we'd kick it, drink a little bit, smoke a little weed, and get high, laugh, you know. We'd crack jokes and just, you know, sing. But that was the gateway. That was the that was the beginning of it. Because we're gonna take that in them shoes down there for Saturday. Whatever you sack up today, we'll take that down to the uh mission, and then we'll we'll do a walkthrough the seat. I became handsome in the girls' eyes, and so uh football became a back seat to me because I thought I was wasn't a social guy, but then all of a sudden become a social guy. I could have gone to uh D3 schools, uh, had a lot of scholarships, but I ended up getting my high school sweetheart pregnant. I got married at 18 and uh went to the army to try to be uh the same provider like my dad was because that's what was instilled in us. Put a cup down like I told you, to measure out. I've always been a man of standards, and sometimes that's that's bad because you can't forgive yourself, you know. That's part of the problem with the black men is that there was nothing shared of a failure. It was always the I won, I win, we win, we win. Never discuss the losses. But who goes through life and not lose, man?

SPEAKER_01 5:24

I know what's going on. I told you we don't we don't we're not doing wash every day. That's that's just that's that's a waste of water.

SPEAKER_03 5:30

I've got hurt in the army. I moved back to Danville. It really wasn't an addiction then. Uh I'd stopped, got saved, and then trying to take care of family and just trying to enjoy life and be there for my kids and join church. I was in church saved. In the meantime, I'd already seen some of my uncles that were crack addicts and drug addicts. So I saw the pitfall that they were in, and I was always like, you know, man, that'll never be. How can you just, you know, I saw an uncle of mine that had a business that he just destroyed his business doing drugs. And I'm like, you know, I never knew that life can cause you to reach for certain things. I was working a lot of hours and I kind of got selfish. I was like, well, I'm sending my kids to AAU meetings and my we driving a Chrysler 300, but I'm the one working 90 hours a week. So, you know, I was like, well, what am I getting out of this? So I started to drink a little bit more and then started to party a little more. And the curiosity, just the curiosity of it, just kind of make you like, like, well, wow, I'm strong enough. You know, let me just try it. And when you sample and try that, it takes you there. And anything that the devil uh offers you, he don't just uh show you the end result in the beginning. I can't even remember how I even tried to smoke crack cocaine. It was such a pleasurous uh feeling uh that it became addictive because it stimulates your endorphins and and it's it's it's something that it doesn't hurt. So you think, oh wow, they just smoking crack. It's not because it hurts. That's the whole trap of it. It takes you away from your present state, and so you're not really in this present world while you're drifting, but it's also uh a climatic feeling that you get from it. I started to live my best life. My interests changed. I wasn't the same daddy that I used to be because now I'm back to being that social guy that I never was growing up. You know, I'm the man now, you know. I got four or five women and I'm kicking it. My wife, she was hurt because of uh us being split and getting divorced. She uh kept my children away from me. I couldn't see my kids, so that rift in that relationship hurt it. So I self-medicated to kind of keep that pain of not being that same dad in the back of my mind. I knew that I was I was doing wrong. So I kind of hit a dark place in my life, and I ended up moving to uh place called Carlsbad, New Mexico. I moved away. It was just too much pressure. I had a girlfriend, had a got an outside girlfriend pregnant, I had a son on the way. So I just quit. You know, I'm thinking I'm gonna get away. I had a lady that I met on the internet, and she's like, oh yeah, come down here. It's plenty of great jobs. You're a hard-working man. And I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah. I took me with me when I moved. When I first started, me and a guy friend of mine at work, we used to work uh uh swing shifts once a month. We would have a long change where you'd get seven days off in a row. We would just hook up together and go and get these drugs, and before you know it, it became a habit. You know, it's out of control. My focus was on just working and getting high. Work, drink, get high, work, drink, get high. I'd be at work at six o'clock in the morning. I might still be getting high at five o'clock. I'd leave drugs on my table and I'd go and get a shower, go to work. My daughter was graduating high school. I lived in Carlsbad and I had to drive to El Paso, which is about two and a half hours away. But I got high that night before. So I woke up and I was like, oh man. And I had like maybe two hours and 50 minutes to get to the airport. So I'm shooting through the Guadalupe Mountains. I'm driving 90 miles an hour. Woo, woo, woo, woo. When I backjack, park my car, I run it in there, and they wouldn't let me on the plane. And then we we can't check anymore. So I don't need no clothes. You know, I'm going back to my hometown. I can buy clothes in Danville. I just, it's my daughter's graduation. I've got to get to my daughter's graduation. And so I had to call my daughter to tell her I'm not gonna be there for a graduation. When I left the airport, I went right to the bar and got me a double shot of crown. Boom. Another double shot, boom. I'm driving all the way back two and a half hours back to Carlsbad. I'm crying because I miss now the alcohol is taking over because I'm feeling bad and woo-woo. And next thing I know, soon I get in town, I'm calling the drug man. Because I felt so bad that I let the drug addiction the night before, because I was gonna say, I'm just gonna get high a little bit, then I'm gonna stop. But once I started, I couldn't stop. And so that keeps you in a downward spiral because now you miss one date, now you're drinking some more, and you got because you gotta drown those sources out, and you gotta, you know, self-pity and blah, blah, blah. I'd gotten to the point where I had given away or sold uh a lot of my possessions. Never was homeless, never went without food, but I never did gain, you know. After I paid rent, I'm gonna go spend the rest of my money on dope. You know, life never got cut off, but almost I might spend$1,500 in a night. Uh next morning I'm looking at my ATM receipts and I'm like, oh my God. What did I do? You know, uh, okay, Lord, I'm not gonna do this no more, you know. And you beat yourself up, and then you I'd work more overtime that next week, and then I might go two weeks, and then I'd be like, you know what, Mike, just a little bit, you know, just get you a little bit. You've been damn good. And then next thing morning I'm like, oh man, 2,500. Why, man, why are you doing this, Michael? And then and poor, poor me, and then it goes from poor me to you deserve that, you know. So it was just kind of a the devil deals with people through their feelings and emotions, and and and and the Bible says that we have to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The bottom line is we win as long as we stay focused on the Lord. We come to lift the Lord up. Hey, sweet. God bless y'all. Hey, brother. How you doing, young man? I bless you, sir. Michael. I'm so proud of you. You do so good. Singing and reading. I never really uh got too far away from my gospel roots, my Christian upbringing. How your mama doing, man? She's doing good. Good, good, good. Until I ask about it. Okay, I do that yes, sir. As long as I stayed faithful to God, there was no desire. But every time that you uh, when life starts life and you start looking at your personal things and personal self, you'll gravitate back to self-medicating. My grandma used to say, the devil will take you farther than you want to go. You know, it always seems great, but at the end of the day, you're chasing something you'll never catch, man.

SPEAKER_04 12:40

Sometimes I'd be so high, man. My heart would just be like, okay, Lord, don't let me die, don't let me die.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

You know, if you don't let me die, Lord, I won't do it no more, I won't do it no more, you know. And so I'm steady calling on him because I done did something to my body. I had an uncle, he's Vietnam vet. He was just gung-ho, you know, purple heart. He always would say, Well, why does the black man have to have God to be good? And I'm like, Well, I can't answer that, but I I know that I do. I wasn't built to win without God. I I I I don't I don't see it without him. You might be successful, but are you winning? My mom, she was always the staple in my life. My mom was a preacher and a teacher of the gospel. My mom would just call and leave and mess. Michael, are you okay? And finally, I'd call her and I'd be drunk. She'd give me her the preacher side. Ask the Lord to forgive you. You can come out of that. You know, get up out of that, get up out of that rut, you know, get up out of that, come up out of, ask the Lord to help you, He'll clean you up. She would never let me forget that that wasn't who I was uh made to be. Even my daughter, uh, the one I was telling her I missed her graduation. She was like, Daddy, just, you know, you you've been a good man all our lives, you've been a good daddy. Just get up out of it. She never gave up on me. I ended up marrying, uh, meeting my present wife, Catherine. I went from Carlsbad, New Mexico, to Midland, Texas, oilfield country. Great opportunity for a hard-working man. I would try. I would I would not get high for two months, six months, and then I'd go back and I'd be right back where I was at. One hit is too many, and a thousand is never enough. It brought me to my knees. I couldn't I couldn't handle it. Their slogan in Texas, don't mess with Texas. I got caught with a little bit of crack cocaine, thank the Lord, that I was able to do some court dates and uh big fine probation, and I wasn't a felon behind it. One night I was uh going home, I was getting ready to come home to Danville. A police officer pulled me over and he was like, Man, what are you doing? You drunk? Go home, I'm gonna let you go. I said, you know what? I'm going home, man. I'm just excited, blah, blah, blah. He said, I'm gonna let you go. The next night I went right back over there, and the same cop pulled me over again, man. And so I ended up getting a DUI and long story short, I got another DUI. And so finally I just said, you know what, Lord? I give. I don't want to end up going to prison in Texas. I'm heading down the wrong road. I said, God, save me. And uh and when I threw that up, man, he uh he started the delivering process in my life, man. When I stopped getting high, you want the world to know that you're not that drug addict no more. But trust has to be earned. And and but to the drug addict, you go, well, I'm not getting high. You know, I've been clean for six months or three days or whatever, and but people still looking at you like, yeah. And so in your mind, you like, you know, man, I'm trying I'm tired of proving myself to people. But you have to because you had broke that trust with them. I started going to a psychologist and psychiatrist, out to the VA. At first I was just going, but then eventually I started to open up, and that's when the healing started to begin. The Bible says if if you confess your faults one to another, that you may be healed. I had to restore some relationships from it. I had to uh uh go back and ask for forgiveness with my children and even my ex-wife. I made amends with her and then with my present wife uh because I was still a, even with her when I was getting high, I wasn't Michael. I was this other Michael. I was a selfish person. I wasn't the best husband, I wasn't the best dad, I wasn't the best son. If it wasn't for the Lord changing the makeup of my heart, I would still be that same person.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

I'm glad that he picked me up. I'm glad that he turned me around. He saved me.

SPEAKER_03 16:31

Hard as it is, seek help. Go to an AA meeting, NA. What you put in is what you get out of it. My whole drive is to help somebody else, man, because I I needed help.

Jim Russell 16:46

So why this effort? Why these stories? We're telling these stories, all different stories, with all different roads that these folks are on to recovery, to help you know and understand that recovery is possible. Whether it's you, it's a family member, it's a friend, it's a coworker, it is possible for someone who's struggling with substance use disorder to get help. We want to encourage people to reach out and get the help that they need. If you or someone you know and love is struggling with substance use disorder, don't just sit back and watch it happen. Uh call us here at the Mental Health 708 board at 217-443-3500. We don't provide direct services in our office, but we can connect you with several different agencies in our community who do provide those services. Two points of emphasis: everybody's journey is different. No one's gonna look exactly alike. And then the second point is don't forget recovery is possible and things can get better. And there are people in this community, there are people in your family and friends circle who want to help you uh on your own personal road to recovery.