Rueben's Story | Roads to Recovery

In this 6th episode of "Roads to Recovery," host Jim Russell sits down with Rueben, who shares a raw and deeply personal account of his journey through substance use disorder. The episode delves beneath the surface of substance use, exploring how trying to fit in, portray a certain image, and cope with underlying emotional struggles which led Rueben down a path of self-destruction.

Rueben's feelings of isolation, emotional disregulation, and undiagnosed attention deficit disorder early in life steered him towards risky behaviors and a social circle that reinforced his desire to belong. Rueben recounts the thrill and false sense of importance that came with acting out, leading to his first arrest at 13 and a cycle of escalating substance abuse and legal troubles.

Addiction for Rueben became more than just a chemical dependency, it became a means of masking pain, seeking community, and escaping from self-doubt. Rueben describes the impact of substance use on his relationships, including losing his marriage, alienating his children, and facing financial ruin. He candidly addresses the codependency issues that complicated his recovery and how hitting rock bottom, including a near-fatal car accident and suicidal ideation, became a turning point.

The conversation underscores the importance of dual diagnosis treatment and community support. Rueben explains how programs like Narcotics Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous, along with professional help, have been instrumental in his ongoing healing. He emphasizes that recovery is an ongoing process of learning, making amends, and building healthier connections.

The episode reminds listeners that recovery is possible, support is available, and no one has to walk the road to recovery alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

This stage of life, I'm really enjoying just little things like going to the park.

Intro 0:04

That's a true story.

SPEAKER_02 0:06

My negative choices started really, really young. I didn't have any friends that were sober. I didn't wake up one day and say, hey, I think I'm gonna be a drug addict today.

Intro 0:14

I didn't want to feel the pain I was feeling anymore. I immediately have to have it.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

I'm not in control. It's never enough. He's like, here, try this. I almost lost my life. That is my main motivator.

Intro 0:27

I don't want to go through this now.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

We do recover in Vermont County. There's nobody who can tell me any different.

Intro 0:35

Viewer discretion is advised. The content in this video addresses sensitive topics related to drugs and alcohol and may not be suitable for all audiences. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered as personal medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment recommendations. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional or a substance use disorder specialist for personalized guidance. The views and opinions expressed are those of the individuals presenting them and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Vermilion County Public Health or the Vermilion County Mental Health 708 Board.

Jim Russell 1:10

Hello, uh, this is Jim Russell again, um hosting another episode of Roads to Recovery. Uh sometimes people get involved in substance use and abuse, and then it leads to the substance use disorder. Uh because they're trying to fulfill some sort of image, an image of belonging, and the image of being a tough guy, and an image of fitting in, and some sort of image is that's just not where they are yet. And unfortunately, making that decision to use that substance can lead to some uh pitfalls and some uh situations and circumstances that we never thought of. And unfortunately, in some of the darkest moments, it can even lead to thoughts of suicide. And that's part of Rubin's story, and we'll let him tell that story now.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

I think addiction is a much bigger thing than just doing drugs and alcohol. It's allowing the worst parts of your being to control every part of you. I really don't want to blame anybody for what I've done. My negative choices started really, really young. I felt different and separate from everybody else. I would have outbursts or, you know, sometimes I would get in fights, you know, and I couldn't understand or or regulate how I was feeling or my emotions. There's a a a small understanding that I had attention deficit disorder. I had issues doing schoolwork, you know, I was constantly, constantly behind. I just couldn't stay caught up. It kind of forced me into a social group with other kids that were acting the same way. We really did destructive things, you know, like little acts of vandalism or smoking cigarettes. You had those cool kids in the neighborhood with the Marlboro's rolled up in their s and their shirt sleeve and drinking Budweiser. Those are the people that I had in my life to emulate myself to. Fitting in was very, very, very important to me. I just grew up wanting to be a badass, and this was like the ticket for that. It was very important to me at a young age to be important. This mentality drove me into places that I should have never been. I think the first time I was arrested, I was 13. It was just stupid. We were setting off fireworks at 3 o'clock in the morning in a public park, and none of us should have had fireworks or been out at 3 o'clock in the morning. We all got to experience having handcuffs on us for the first time. Got to spend the night, the rest of the night in jail, and you know, everybody thought, well, that'll be an eye-opener, you know. But honestly, it just built my cred. Most of my cleaner-cut friends, they really kind of phased their way out of my life. I took advantage of of so many people. I pushed myself away from my family. And it wasn't that I really wanted to hurt anybody. It was just that it was this mechanism to take care of myself and make myself feel better. I would go out and act like a piece of sh and f people to make myself not feel like a piece of sh by the drugs I would achieve. It was a really nasty cycle. Having so much distance between then and now, I definitely realized that I gave these people no other uh choice but to walk away from me and separate themselves from me. I was constantly in and out of jail. I was constantly getting in trouble with probation because I couldn't pass drug tests. They kept giving me chance after chance. You know, I always got these really cool probation officers that wanted to help, and I would take advantage of this and tell them what they wanted to hear, sign their papers, and continuously come back every month with a dirty drop. Alcohol and cannabis, it made me feel comfortable in my skin. I felt a sense of community. As we got older and the drugs got heavier, I really, really enjoyed speed. Everybody else would get hyper and very, very active. You know, they made me feel calm and good and confident about myself. I started feeling that I was finding solutions to my problems, you know. This emptiness inside, this um, these bad feelings about myself went away whenever I was using certain chemicals. That grew into different things, into more and more and more. Deciding that I was going to sell drugs. I was successful there for a little while. The state of Illinois correctional facilities, jails, institutions, rehabs, probation. These organizations probably kept me alive long enough for me to be willing to get my life together. It started mounting up. And at one time I was facing seven years in the penitentiary. It seemed very serious at the time. So, you know, I really I dabbled with 12-step programs and they seemed to help me out quite a bit. But I could never fully get off of drugs, you know. Like I would tear everything down, and then I would get sobered up, build some stuff up, you know, feel better about myself, feel so good that would think that I don't have to continue to do the things that were making me feel better. And then eventually drugs and alcohol would start seeping back in, and then I'd just tear everything down again. And it was a continuous cycle that's followed me through the majority of my life. It's devastated me. I'm still working on repairing the damage today. My drive for partying and doing drugs really affected my willingness and ability to go to work, which drove me closer to making my money illegally. I would drink myself sick in the evenings or stay up doing drugs all night to the point where I couldn't go to work tomorrow. I can only do that so often before your child doesn't want you there anymore. I had no problem with destroying my credit. Taking out loans or writing checks that I I knew I knew beforehand I wasn't good for. This all has come back and bit me in the ass multiple times throughout life. The drugs and alcohol nearly destroyed my relationship with my children. Today that's the most important relationship I have in my life. It ruined my marriage of 18 years. It still hurts. Not just the fact of that I lost this relationship, it's the really the fact that I put this person through this. I have found in my in my recovery over the last few years that I am very codependent. I have learned, you know, in complete sobriety, I can ruin relationships. And the end of important relationships in my life were normally the beginnings of some of the worst binges I've been through. It's been a few years since I've been in a relationship because of this, but it's put in perspective all the significant relationships, especially romantic relationships I've had in my life. I really truly believe that they were the problem. While me and my wife were still together, I viewed her as the problem. During our marriage, I achieved long-term sobriety, and I still didn't understand what the hell was wrong with her. I didn't realize I was just feeding into this very, very unhealthy frame of mind. My most recent relapse lasted about a year and a half, and in that time I destroyed my marriage. My kids had never even seen me drunk. I I had a near-fatal car accident. Uh in the hospital, my wife told me she's done with me. I get out of the hospital and I'm living in this really just gross motel room. My pain pills that they sent me home with ran out, and I I I had to start drinking again. That lasted about a week. I was on a a handful of psychiatric medicines and Googling how many of these that it will take to kill myself. How many of these X amount of pills will it take for me to overdose, you know? Everything they pop up on the first five few hits is helplines. After doing this for several hours and trying to figure out the best way to kill myself, I actually called one of these hotlines and they got me into treatment. It was really the just the darkest moment of my life. I'm grateful for my suicidal ideations because it's what got me back on the right path. Of course, I'm in recovery for myself and you know I I want to be a better person. But I think one of the biggest drivers in my recovery today is definitely my relationship with my children. I've realized how skewed my relationships with the rest of the world has been. Getting drugs and alcohol out of my life has has been a miracle. It's been a blessing, but it's also learning that the drugs and alcohol were only a symptom of my problems. I went into footprints recovery up in Elgin, Illinois. It's been 20 years since I've been in a rehab, and it's not just about looking at drugs and alcohol anymore. It's about looking into dual diagnosis, understanding, you know, what's going on below the drinking and the drugging. I am definitely 100% a flawed person, and I will continue to do things that aren't 100% right for the probably for the rest of my life. But learning from those things and being active in the learning process from those things and amend my part in the situation the best I possibly can. Unfortunately, in some of the situations in my life, me just not playing a part, period, is the best solution. Sometimes me going and saying, I apologize, what could I do to make this right? Sometimes just me just doing what's right without saying anything to anybody and understanding the difference between these. I'm an active member in Narcotics Anonymous and Codependence Anonymous. I I've met some wonderful people all over the country and some on other parts of the world, learning from them and sharing with them, and just trying to be part of the community I live in. It's very different than the things that I really truly enjoyed in the past.

Jim Russell 11:42

So why this effort? Why these stories? We're telling these stories, all different stories, with all different roads that these folks are on to recovery to help you know and understand that recovery is possible. Whether it's you, it's a family member, it's a friend, it's a coworker, it is possible for someone who's struggling with substance use disorder to get help. We want to encourage people to reach out and get the help that they need. If you or someone you know and love is struggling with substance use disorder, don't just sit back and watch it happen. Uh call us here at the Mental Health 708 board at 217-443-3500. We don't provide direct services in our office, but we can connect you with several different agencies in our community who do provide those services. Two points of emphasis: everybody's journey is different. No one's gonna look exactly alike. And then the second point is don't forget recovery is possible and things can get better. And there are people in this community, there are people in your family and friend circle who want to help you uh on your own personal road to recovery.