Vaya's Story | Roads to Recovery

In this eye-opening episode 7 of "Roads to Recovery," host Jim Russell sits down with Vaya, a clinical director from New Directions, to share her story of substance use disorder, loss, and hard-won transformation. For the first time publicly, Vaya recounts a lifelong battle with substance use, beginning in childhood amidst a family history of substance use disorder and instability. Listeners are taken on a raw journey through the depths of alcoholism, brushes with the law, and the profound impact substance use disorder had not only on her own life but also on her relationships with family and friends.

She reveals her cycles of pain and desperation, including struggles with mental health and a suicide attempt, and the pivotal moments that sparked her commitment to change, including the birth of her daughter and the realization that her actions affect far more than just herself. The episode explores the difficult process of rebuilding trust, seeking treatment, and finding stability through community, faith, and a dedication to helping others in recovery.

If you or a loved one needs support, reach out to a local mental health provider and know that a different life is within reach. Tune in for an episode that is as inspiring as it is real, offering empathy, encouragement, and the assurance that it’s never too late to choose a new direction for yourself and your loved ones.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

This is like the first time I ever told my story. I think it's something that, you know, I needed to do in my recovery. This is a true story. My negative choices started really, really young. I didn't have any friends that were sober. I didn't wake up one day and say, hey, I think I'm gonna be a drug addict today. I didn't want to feel the pain I was feeling anymore. Immediately. I'm not in control. It's never enough. He's like, here, try this. I almost lost my life. That is my main motivator. I don't want to go through this now. We do recover in Vermont County. There's nobody who can tell me any different.

Intro 0:38

Viewer discretion is advised. The content in this video addresses sensitive topics related to drugs and alcohol and may not be suitable for all audiences. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered as personal medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment recommendations. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional or a substance use disorder specialist for personalized guidance. The views and opinions expressed are those of the individuals presenting them and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Vermilion County Public Health or the Vermillion County Mental Health 708 Board.

Jim Russell 1:14

Hi, this is Jim Russell, and I'm hosting another episode of Roads to Recovery. Sometimes it is the case that family circumstances and impact leads a person to choose a road that leads to dependence upon drugs and alcohol and other substances, and that develops into a substance use disorder. But sometimes changing family circumstances and events can lead the person to go in a different direction on a road to recovery. And that's part of a story.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

At New Directions, I am the clinical director. I'm the DUI evaluator expert and work with people with DUI that's trying to get their license back. It's a great environment. We really care. If I can see people accomplishing little milestones, that's that's where I get the most from. Where I can actually see the change. This is not just my job, it's my recovery. These are my supported meetings. My mother, she gave us away when I was two. My father, he drank, he was an alcoholic, and he used street drugs. Before I even knew what it was, he sent me to True Value with a list. And later on in life, I found out the list was things he needed to make a crack bite. Alcohol and drugs have just always been around me. I felt like I was always scared. Withdrawn, I felt unloved. My grandmother was like, our safe spot. She was strict. All chores must be done before you go out. Don't run in and out my door. I set a pitcher of ice water on the porch, and if you come in, you stay in. Alcohol was my biggest problem. It impacted my life majorly. My alcohol run ran about, I'd say roughly like 12 years. My earliest time was about after probably like 18. We didn't have much money. I didn't go to parties, I didn't kick it with my friends and things like that. So that's probably one of the biggest things that probably saved me from getting into it earlier. The core reason was because people liked me when I was drinking, or I thought they liked me when I was drinking. They wanted to see me drinking, they wanted to laugh at me, they wanted to spend my money, you know. My grandma told me you need to quit all that damn drinking. But I don't remember nobody like in my family or nobody telling me, hey, you know, you're self-destructing, you know, you need to quit this. I don't remember not one person, but my grandmother telling me that. Even days that I had set in my mind that I was not gonna drink that day, I would have people call me. And I'm like, yeah, okay, because I want to have friends, you know, and I I did not have a lot of friends. Whatever you're going through, whatever the issues are, they're not gonna go away. They're gonna still be there. So you're stuck in that cycle. I would spend every dime on a payday and wake up on a Saturday completely broke. No money to pay rent, no money to do the things that I promised my kids that we're gonna do on Saturday, sometimes not even having toilet paper because I spent all the money. I've been evicted, but I was blessed not to be homeless because I always had my grandmother's house to go back to. There would have been plenty of times where I would not have nowhere to go. I don't know. I think I could have avoided a lot of things if I would have got my mental health taken care of. The depression, the anxiety, it wasn't making it better, it was making it worse. Just wanted somebody to love me. I did try to kill myself once. That was like the low. And then, like, it's not funny, but it is funny because when you're dealing with that and mental health and alcohol, you do stuff, but you can kind of laugh later. Because I was in the hospital. They're gonna take me to the side court, and me and one of the girls I ran with, we broke out the hospital. That's when you could just run out the door. It's like, okay, one, two, three, and we snatched the IV out and we took off and we ran all the way home. Even though people say, like, you know, I'm not hurting nobody. You are. You are, you are. My problem affected more than just me. I wasn't a good person when I was in my addiction. I hurt a lot of people, I lied, I stole. It's one of my my sisters right now that still doesn't help to me because of what I did. She helped me one time, came a check for my rent, and I gave it to pay my rent, but I also took her check numbers and paid my power bill. Back when I didn't have license, when I had got my DUI, I had used her identity. So I would go to jail when I got pulled over. Lost a lot of self-respect. Lost a lot of trust. Made me ashamed a lot. I got in trouble. And I went to prison the first time. The only reason why I got out is because they never gave me a chance to get treatment. So I went to treatment, but I was still drinking. I was on intense probation and I didn't care. You know, they would come in and they would dump my alcohol out, and I would watch them pull off, and I go right back to the liquor store and they'll come back, and I was hiding and in like the washer and the dryer. And it's like I didn't care that this is what's gonna send me to prison. I didn't care that this was gonna take me away from my kids. I didn't care that this was gonna ruin my life as I thought it was. They couldn't tell me what to do. So I end up going back because I wouldn't quit drinking, and I did like 11 months, and after then, that's when I'm like, you know, I don't want to do this no more. I did not get to see none of my kids for 11 months. My youngest child I seen one time. So I'm like, I'm not gonna do this no more. I don't want to go through this no more. But that was the first time I had ever been away from him. Ever. It's like I don't know. I I didn't never wanted them to feel the way I felt as a child. So that was when I really started changing. My daughter, I didn't even know I was pregnant with her. It was like four months. It resulted from a drunk one-night stand. I didn't want another child, I wasn't in a position to have another child. I didn't even know who her father was. This guy who I thought was the father, he gave me the money for the abortion, so I just got a ride over there and had somebody drop me off. Nobody knew what I was going to do. When I got there, they did the sonogram and everything, and it was like, oh, well, it's gonna be like$1,500. I didn't have enough money. I was sitting on a bench outside the clinic and like looking at the sonogram, it was a girl, only girl. And I was like, well, Laura, this is what it was supposed to be, you know. If I would have aborted her, then I probably would have been still doing the same thing. I mean, I really believe that if it was not for her, that I wouldn't change. So that's when I start going to school for this, because not only am I gonna be able to help somebody, I'm keeping myself clean. A lot of my recovery was me working on myself. So I have a therapist and I have a psychiatrist. And yes, I take my medication. I take my medication every day. I would study and read the Bible and read books, and I went to church. I poured myself into my kids. When people finally realized that I quit, nobody wanted to be around me. I had a friend, and it was something that we did all the time. On a Saturday morning, she'll come across the street to bring beer. And when she realized that I didn't, she still came across the street when she brought me a Pepsi. So the ones that were truly my friends accepted, but then the ones that was not, I didn't see them no more. And I was fine with it because I had to live. The best parts of recovery for me, I think maybe stability when you're living that life, nothing's stable. Am I gonna have somewhere to live? Am I gonna be able to open my door? Am I gonna be able to open my refrigerator? You know, I don't wanna go through those things that I went through. I don't wanna have to degrade myself, you know. It was not a good life. You might start out having fun, but you do a lot of stuff that's in the dark, being secure, oh my god. It's it's a whole different world. Like one day you wake up and be like, oh not I gotta do this, I gotta do that, I gotta do this. But what do I wanna do today? It's a whole different outlook. Being in one world in the other world. It's two different outlooks. You can choose.

Jim Russell 11:30

Is there anything that you miss?

SPEAKER_02 11:35

No? No, don't miss it.

Jim Russell 11:44

So why this effort? Why these stories? We're telling these stories, all different stories, with all different roads that these folks are on to recovery, to help you know and understand that recovery is possible. Whether it's you, it's a family member, it's a friend, it's a coworker, it is possible for someone who's struggling with substance use disorder to get help. We want to encourage people to reach out and get the help that they need. If you or someone you know and love is struggling with substance use disorder, don't just sit back and watch it happen. Uh call us here at the Mental Health 708 board at 217-443-3500. We don't provide direct services in our office, but we can connect you with several different agencies in our community who do provide those services. Two points of emphasis: everybody's journey is different. No one's gonna look exactly alike. And then the second point is don't forget recovery is possible and things can get better. And there are people in this community, there are people in your family and friend circle who want to help you uh on your own personal road to recovery.