Kat's Story | Roads to Recovery

In this deeply personal episode 9 of "Roads to Recovery," host Jim Russell introduces the courageous journey of Kat, a woman who has struggled with substance use disorder, but ultimately found hope and renewal on her path to sobriety.

Kat recounts her early years, growing up in a loving home yet struggling with ADHD, learning disabilities, and persistent bullying that eroded her self-esteem. Seeking escape and validation, she spiraled into substance use in her teens—first marijuana, then prescription drugs, alcohol, and eventually cocaine. Kat reveals the painful realities of substance use disorder: abusive relationships, the loss of control, legal troubles, and the heartbreak of stealing from loved ones to feed her habit.

A turning point for Kat was discovering she was pregnant. Determined to change for her child, she experienced her longest period of sobriety, only to then relapse and realize she'd never be able to be a "functioning alcoholic." Kat's story is one of repeated struggle, denial, and ultimately, acceptance—realizing that she was not in control of her substance use and that true recovery required honesty and commitment.

As Kat shares her triumphs and setbacks, she highlights the importance of structure, mental health support, and the unwavering love of family. She speaks candidly about the daily challenges of recovery, her hopes for the future, and the relief of finally feeling happy in her own skin—free from substances and self-doubt.

Join us for this inspiring episode of "Roads to Recovery" as we explore resilience, vulnerability, and the enduring possibility of healing.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

My Guardian Angel has a lot of time on their hands and makes sure that I get what I deserve. My negative choices started really, really young. I didn't have any friends that were sober. I didn't wake up one day and say, Hey, I think I'm gonna be a drug addict today. I didn't want to feel the pain I was feeling anymore. I immediately had to have it. I'm not in control. It's never enough. He's like, here, try this. I almost lost my life. That is my main motivator.

Intro 0:29

I don't want to go through this now.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

We do recover from any county. There's nobody who can tell me any different.

Intro 0:36

Viewer discretion is advised. The content in this video addresses sensitive topics related to drugs and alcohol and may not be suitable for all audiences. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered as personal medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment recommendations. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional or a substance use disorder specialist for personalized guidance. The views and opinions expressed are those of the individuals presenting them and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Vermilion County Public Health or the Vermilion County Mental Health 708 Board.

Jim Russell 1:11

Hi, I'm Jim Russell, and I'm your host for Roads to Recovery. We've been looking at some common themes that can run through a lot of these stories that we're looking at. One of those is that uh some people uh turn to a substance because they're looking for a particular feeling, uh a feeling of belonging, um, a feeling of something that's uh enjoyable at least momentarily, um uh a feeling that they're more than what they picture themselves to be. But then the the risk, the dangers of turning to that substance uh show up when it impacts employment, when it impacts family, when it changes a person's life entirely and turns them and their lifestyle into something that they never expected. And that's Kat's story that we're gonna listen to now.

SPEAKER_02 2:06

It's all fuzzy still to me, because I've been in this for a long time. Oh, I'm nervous. I don't know why. Okay. I came here to get my together. I'm lucky to say I haven't gotten into any trouble. Like that could have put me in a situation where I never see my kid again. I've been behind bars, I've killed anybody, I killed myself. All of which those are not yet. So I don't want them to be ever. Something I'm really enjoying about my life right now, getting structure back in my life. I think that has to do with a lot of not having it before, and then filling it with things that like incorporate like sober fun. Like, cause that's so foreign to me. I don't know how to do that at all. My mom has a picture of me chasing around my sister with a garden snake. I had to be three or something. I was just wild. I had a lot of energy and I didn't know where to put it. Like, I was just crazy. I grew up in a really, a really good house. You know what I mean? My parents are still together. My inside home environment was awesome. My mom kept us busy a lot. I was in like every type of dance competing till I was about 17. I've seen my mom drunk a couple times, I've seen my dad drunk a few times. There's always alcohol in the house. I just remember it being like not a big deal. It wasn't like I was raised in this like effed up situation of like mom and dad split and like he's abusive, blah blah blah. Outside of my house was a little different. In school, I I needed a a lot of tailoring to my education. I have a learning disability that I would like to say I grew out of. I had something wrong with my brain. I had ADHD. My mom was like, I don't want you to be the guinea pig for Ritalin. I struggled really hard with my my self-esteem. I was bullied super bad for the learning disability. I got my butt whooped in a fight. God, what a hill, Billy. I think that had a lot to do with me feeling just like blah. It's genetically in me, you know, the odds were stacked against me. At first it was just something that was cool. In high school, 1718, I started smoking weed. I thought I was too cool. I meet this boy, he's like my first real boyfriend, right? Gets me hooked on Adderall. These are my prescription drugs, you can have one, blah blah blah. Like it's fine. They're not a big deal. And I instantly fell in love with it. I felt like just such a social butterfly. I had energy, I felt like funny, and these amphetamines suppressed my appetite. At the beginning, I could take like one or two, and I'd be like, I had like breakfast and that was it. Then it was like, whoo, like it really hit me like I'm not eating at all. Then he breaks up with me. Awesome. So now I'm hooked on this pill and now I gotta outsource it. I don't really know where to find it. So I started drinking heavily. Met up with this dude that was selling cocaine, so that's kind of how I got introduced to it. He's now my son's dad. Ugh. He kept me high. It got to the point where he was really abusive, and I didn't care because you're keeping me high. It was really, really bad. I was down to 105 pounds, just you know, skeleton. I think I lasted uh two days on one sticker. I was getting down to nothing. And you could just see in my face I just look empty. And then I needed them in order to have the energy to like get through the day. It was just this vicious cycle of just it's so nice though. What saved my life was having Michael, and as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I mean I was smoking, I was drinking, doing whatever, probably other illegal substances. I stopped smoking weed. I wasn't drinking anymore, and I was like, oh my god, there's a baby inside of me. Like it's a it's a baby, you know what I mean? It's not something like a plan B it's gonna fit. So I knew in my heart like I wasn't gonna abort it. I end up having my son, one of the best days of my life. That's the longest I've been clean since I've was like 11 years old or whenever I started. So I felt awesome. Then I started meeting back with this guy who was feeding me the drugs, my son's dad. I've had the uh the mindset of a functioning alcoholic. Yeah, that's not a fing real thing. That's not real. But that's how I thought. I, you know, now I got it. I can I can play cool, I know what to do, I know how much to use, blah blah blah. Yeah, no, it doesn't work out that way. I wasn't going out on the weekend to like have a beer and like do blow in the bathroom, you know, because I wanted to like socialize and have fun. What I learned over time was like you're self-medicating. Your friends can go out and have a couple beers and be done, but you have to get blackout drunk every night. And then you have to do something else after it. It's never enough. It's just this struggle in my mind of like, it sucks. I felt like I was using for energy for to go to bed at night. Like things that like if you're not using are pretty simple to do. But I never wanted to give myself that two weeks of like just being clean because I felt like I just couldn't do it. It got to the point where things that I never in a million years when I first started my addiction would have thought that I would have been doing. I didn't really didn't think I had a problem until my very last relapse when I realized I'm not in control. Have you read through the first step yet? For me, it's not being able to go to the bar and having it like one beer. I lost my job because I was doing so many drugs. I'm just like a walking zombie. They found me sleeping in my car like an a-hole, and I was like, I'm fine, I'm totally fine. I was just taking a nap. Like, sue me, whatever. Lost the job, and my parents enabled the out of me. They loved me, you know what I mean? And I played that system like awesome. I ended up stealing from them all the time. I ended up pawning stuff, like it got to that point where they kicked me out. The amount that I stole, the jewelry that was taken from my mom, pawn shops, they'll take uh that jewelry if you try to be like righteous and go back and you know pay for it, they'll they'll melt it. So then you can't get it back. And they did that with some of the things. The last things that they had from their parents. That sucks. Sucks. But you're not thinking about that when you just want to get high, you know? The only way to pay them back is staying clean. I owe at least that to them. What's different this time is I want it, and I never did before. I just want to see myself in the future getting to the point where I don't even think about it anymore. People that have been in recovery for a long time, they'll tell you those thoughts of I want to use, I want to use. It takes like 20 to 30 minutes for that to go away. And I can't wait to get to that point because I know I can do it. And I just feel so much like oosa. Like so much more peaceful, not using. There's like the recovery aspect, and then there's the mental health aspect. I'm gonna put my hair up, sorry. Um getting nervous sweats. Life isn't gonna get any easier just because you're clean. I know I have attention hyperactivity disorder. I'm clinically depressed, and they sprinkled in a little bit of bipolar whatever spectrum it is. And now this is me without drugs, without medicine. Who knows what's gonna happen? You know what I mean? I feel optimistic. I feel very, very, very grateful. I also feel like enthusiastic and like excited. I feel so much more in my head and capable of making decisions. Just mental clarity and like just this feeling of relief. I feel myself. I feel myself maybe that's what I needed this whole time was to just not do anything and just be who I am. Just being my true, like organic, no substance self to finally feel happy in my own skin.

Jim Russell 10:56

Yeah. So why this effort? Why these stories? We're telling these stories, all different stories, with all different roads that these folks are on to recovery to help you know and understand that recovery is possible. Whether it's you, it's a family member, it's a friend, it's a coworker, it is possible for someone who's struggling with substance use disorder to get help. We want to encourage people to reach out and get the help that they need. If you or someone you know and love is struggling with substance use disorder, don't just sit back and watch it happen. Uh call us here at the Mental Health 708 board at 217-443-3500. We don't provide direct services in our office, but we can connect you with several different agencies in our community who do provide those services. Two points of emphasis: everybody's journey is different. No one's gonna look exactly alike. And then the second point is don't forget recovery is possible and things can get better. And there are people in this community, there are people in your family and friend circle who want to help you uh on your own personal road to recovery.