Caquista's Story | Roads to Recovery

A raw, no-holds-barred account from a woman who grew up in a outwardly “good” family—mayor dad, vacations, Disney World—but never heard the words “I love you.” Hyperactive with undiagnosed ADHD, she felt like the family misfit while her sisters became a doctor and psychologist.

She started drinking at 15, moved to weed, then crack at 26, saying “I wish I’d never tried it”. She lost three houses, two cars, her children (taken by the state), and hit rock bottom: homelessness, selling everything to the dealer, family cutting her off, and a suicide attempt that left her in a coma. Doctors didn’t expect her to survive.

Desperate, she googled “safe house” and found her way to a women’s support house in Danville IL. She retrained her brain, battling her bipolar disorder, PTSD, and racing thoughts, and discovered sober joy: dancing, car shows, and peace.

Today she’s free, ashamed of who she was but proud of who she’s becoming.

Transcript

Caquista 0:00

There's not a life that I wanted. I ruined my life, and I didn't think there was no way else. This is a true story. My negative choices started really, really young. I didn't have any friends that were sober. I didn't wake up one day and say, hey, I think I'm gonna be a drug addict today. I didn't want to feel the pain I was feeling. Immediately like I'm not in control. It's never enough. He's like, here, try this, and I almost lost my life. That is my main motivator. I don't want to go through this now. We do recover in from an incoming. There's nobody who can tell me any different.

Intro 0:36

Viewer discretion is advised. The content in this video addresses sensitive topics related to drugs and alcohol and may not be suitable for all audiences. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered as personal medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment recommendations. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional or a substance use disorder specialist for personalized guidance. The views and opinions expressed are those of the individuals presenting them and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Vermilion County Public Health or the Vermilion County Mental Health 708 Board.

Jim Russell 1:11

Hello, it's Jim Russell again, host of Roads to Recovery. It is not the case anymore that people with substance use disorder that the old, old-fashioned stereotypical image of a street drugie. There are people across all uh economic levels, across all educational backgrounds, across all racial and ethnic groups, across every kind of group and subgroup that you can think of who have been impacted by substance use disorder. And one of those stories is Kaquista.

Caquista 1:52

Everything I did, I wish I would have done different. After you get sober, you gotta figure out what happened. Why did you turn to drugs? Why did you do this? Why did And there's a lot of things I can't answer why, what I did. My dad was the mayor, he was the fire team. We got to go on vacations, we got to go to Disney World, we got to see the shuttle go off. We used to go camping, we used to go boating. It was good, but it was bad. I had a good life, but my mom and dad never once said I love you. It was always you do this and you do that and you do it right now, and then I'm gonna see you for the rest of the night. Just tell your kids you love them, man. My sister was four and she wouldn't even talk. She was scared, wouldn't say a word, but she was reading books. Now she's a doctor. My other sister is a psychologist, and then me, there's me. I was a left-handed, two left feet, plutz, and with ADHD. And I was hyperactive and I was bouncing off the walls and I did stupid things. I'm not gonna lie. I did not think right. I'll always be an addict, is what they say. Started drinking at about 15. I smoked weed from 17 to 19. Alcohol was 21 to 26. 26 is when I met crack. I wish I'd never tried it. Lost three houses, sold two cars for crack. All my money spent to the the drug dealer. I stopped doing drugs for a couple years, and then I started in 2018 at Method. And then I got a drug charge. I ended up going to prison. Um I got out and then it went back to crack. It just relaxed me. It took me to a mental state where I didn't have to worry about anything, I didn't have to think about anything. That was the main reason why I I did drugs just to take my life away. I just wanted to be dumb. When you're addicted to drugs, you're caught. And it feels like you're in a vice and you know, nothing goes right. My parents took away my kids, and then I got an aggravated DUI, and the state took away my younger two. My middle sister, the doctor. She, you know, always felt sorry for me because she seen what I had to go through. She bought me a phone every week because it was hacked and I'd break it, or people'd steal it a lot. She paid for, you know, my hotel rooms when I was homeless, when it was raining and cold out and nowhere to go. Her husband said it's gonna be a divorce if you give her any more money. Sister cut me off. The lowest was when I took 150 pills, and I was in a coma. I was on a ventilator for 19 days. They didn't think I was gonna come back, and I came out and nothing, nothing wrong. Like gave me in, I thought I'm done, and took me 90 blood pressure pills. I mean, I was meaning to do it, and I was meeting to stop my heart. But God had a plan for me. They brought me back, we got her, she's back. And I'm just like, man, I'm a DNR for a reason, man. Why'd you just let me die? Yeah, I was I was at my wits in. The homelessness and the drugs was not was not the life that I wanted. And I ruined my life, and I didn't think there was no way out. Someone told me what something about a safe house. So I just Googled safe house. Invil, Illinois, safe house, Day Springs, and I just called it and they said, You gotta be here tomorrow. I'm like, I'll be there. I'm glad for the structure because we need it when we're supposed to get somewhere. It's really hard to be able to sit in your apartment. I couldn't just sit there alone. I needed someone to talk to. And the women's shoulder, we all had each other. We had times we had to be home. We couldn't just run everywhere, and that's what they needed. You can't do it all yourself and keep it all. You need help. Psychiatrist, counseling. Celebrate recovery has been. I love Tuesday nights. My celebrate recovery sponsor, she's amazing. I love her to death. It just warms your heart. Like, wow, I want to be like them one day. There's a lot of good people here in Danville. There's a little bit ugly, but you know, there's a lot of love in Danville. The mind can be your enemy sometimes. It was hard. You know, it was a stop crack and stop meth and stop your friends and stop and move, and you're just sitting here alone. I'm a mess. I am a Ditzy Blom, ADHD, bipolar, PTSD. I am bounced off the walls. I can't even speak with one sentence about the same thing. I had to retrain my brain. Retrain my thoughts. I was so scared because I didn't want to do anything wrong. I didn't want to go back to that life. It was a complete mess. I was lost. I look at myself and I'm ashamed. You know, I can't believe who I was, how I was, what I've done. I didn't know there was another life without drugs, without drinking, without partying. We can dance sober, we can, you know, we can have car shows sober, and there's a new life sober, and you can be happy. That's the main thing, because I didn't think I'd be happy sober. You gotta fight with everything you have in its own to be able to have a good, solid, comfortable, loving, peaceful life. Everything might not be perfect, but the freedom is the best feeling, you know. There's nothing I miss. Nothing I miss at all. It's worth it.

Jim Russell 8:47

So why this effort? Why these stories? We're telling these stories, all different stories, with all different roads that these folks are on to recovery, to help you know and understand that recovery is possible. Whether it's you, it's a family member, it's a friend, it's a coworker, it is possible for someone who's struggling with substance use disorder to get help. We want to encourage people to reach out and get the help that they need. If you or someone you know and love is struggling with substance use disorder, don't just sit back and watch it happen. Uh call us here at the Mental Health 708 board at 217-443-3500. We don't provide direct services in our office, but we can connect you with several different agencies in our community who do provide those services. Two points of emphasis: everybody's journey is different. No one's gonna look exactly alike. And then the second point is don't forget recovery is possible and things can get better. And there are people in this community, there are people in your family and friend circle who want to help you uh on your own personal road to recovery.