S1E05: Is He Mr. Red Flag?

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Is he giving you red flags, and you just can't see them?
Most women find out after the wedding. That's not okay. In this episode, we walk you through every red flag you need to know before you say yes. This is the chapter that changes how you look at every man you'll ever meet.

In this episode, you will learn:
• The 6 red flags that show up before marriage and destroy it after
• Why charm, religion, and potential are the three most dangerous distractions
• How to spot what he's hiding before it becomes your problem

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"Will you marry me in Jannah?"

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Red flags only seem to appear after marriage. How does that happen?

Sharif Faizullah 0:03

Not on my watch, inshallah.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

I've heard a lot of horror stories about these guys. They are like pillars of our Muslim community, very knowledgeable, very educated. They get married and then they end up divorced. Her stories come out about like he did this, this, this. Let's poke into that.

Sharif Faizullah 0:17

Is that about his being or is that about his character? Your husband is your Jannah or Jahanna? Do not let a liar drag you down to hell. Divorce proof your future marriage today. Is he Mr. Red Flag? So this is how it goes. During courtship, when you get to know him, he is at his best. Ooh, gentlemen, beautiful. But then marriage will bring out the rest. One in three women in the US suffer from intimate partner violence. Now, if you ask them, they're gonna tell you, man, I wish I noticed all of his red flags when I was getting to know him. The more charming the man is, the more you want to watch out for any alarming clues he doesn't want you to see. Because he is gonna try to hide them, right? Now, some of these red flags will stare you right in the face, but you won't notice them. You know why? Because, oh boy, everything about him is so cute. Here's the good news a man might hide some of his red flags. But inshallah, if you practice this next true love skill, it is impossible for him to hide all of his red flags. Here is true love skill number two detective red flag. Put on your detective hat, take out your magnifying glass, go Sherlock, and ask, which red flags am I likely to overlook because I like him? And that's the key. It's okay to like him, but be aware of that. It would be very sad if you are in a situation where you're oblivious to his red flags that are obvious, but then he ends up revealing his true abusive self after marriage. Not on my watch, inshallah. I'm going to share with you guys six red flags. But before I do that, I want to share with you five areas where you want to feel safe and secure. Coincidentally, Islam actually built a system to protect you in these areas. And those areas are, please write them down intellect, family, life, faith, and wealth. So when I go through any red flag, I want you to ask yourself, which area am I protecting? And if you keep this in mind as you get to know a guy, as you do background check on a guy, as you go through the process of getting married, am I securing these five areas? Because if you are, inshallah you'll be okay. So with that, we move on to the first red flag. That is foul language. If a man cannot speak without using the F word or the S word in every other sentence, just run the other way and don't look back. Because if he has a habit of using swear words in everyday conversation, you don't want to hear the garbage that comes out of his mouth when he's frustrated or hangry. Yeah, that's angry and hungry altogether, right? That's really a bad combination. Now, after living with him for some time, you might start using vulgar language yourself. That's a habit that's not fitting for a Muslim at all. Now you might be asking, but the Sharif, what if his language is clean? Can he still cause damage with his words? Yes, he can. That's why you want to watch out for habits like slandering, backbiting, gossiping, and gaslighting. Did you guys know gaslighting to manipulate someone psychologically to question their own sanity? And this is from like a 1944 film called Gaslight. So the husband was psychologically manipulating the wife into believing that she's going mad. So this is nothing new. Now, if he is someone who talks trash with you about other people, you can almost guarantee that he's talking trash about you to other people as well. So what was the red flag? Foul language. Now, question for you is this by watching out for this red flag, which of these are you protecting?

SPEAKER_00 4:08

Foul language encompasses not only like cursing or cussing, but also gossiping, gaslighting, backbiting, all of those things. What if he talks negatively about others to me as his confidant or whatever? But I haven't heard him speak negatively about me to others? Would that still be a red flag, or should I consider that obviously he trusts me so he feels comfortable saying that to me? What is kind of the balance there?

Sharif Faizullah 4:30

So you haven't heard him say anything bad about you, but what about the time when you're not there? Because you're not listening to everything he's saying 24-7. So it goes into overall character and habit, then to do it to everybody and then keep them separated from each other. So you will never know if you are the subject of that backbiting to somebody else. How would you know that?

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Yeah, I think it's a little bit naive to assume that, oh, you have the best of the worst habits.

Sharif Faizullah 4:55

Yeah. These are patterns, and you look at it as like overall context, right? They're not deciding to marry a guy or not marry him ever just based on this one thing, because this is just one data point amongst many others.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

So I know that in the book we discuss email correspondence and things like that, and you do recommend at least a few in-person meetings. How do you recommend verifying that he doesn't have this red flag through that? Because not necessarily through email is he gonna talk bad about somebody or curse because he can check it. And then if you meet two, three times in person, not necessarily he's gonna curse during those meetings or gossip during those meetings.

Sharif Faizullah 5:29

How can I find that out? This is something that you do with the help of your marriage team at this stage here. We'll talk more about that, but that's when you want to look for those clues. So you want your marriage team to look into him without him being aware because that's when you can see in his actual elements. So let's say a guy, you know, he's playing basketball and he's in your team, and the team has just missed a shot and what how he reacts. So you want to see in some of his elements to see how he reacts to things.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Suppose he doesn't use foul language in any capacity, he doesn't curse, he doesn't gossip or whatever, but you're noticing that his friends do do these things, they do it around you. You guys, whenever you see them out together, they gossip, they do what they do. Should that be a red flag, even though he's not actively engaging in that habit?

Sharif Faizullah 6:12

Be discerning about that because there are some people amongst their friends' circle, they kind of stand out. They are the unique one, odd one out, even though everybody else has certain habit, but he doesn't. So that's a good thing if that's the case. Generally speaking, a lot of these habits of friends somehow pass on to the friend, even if it's not to a full extent, but somehow he is influenced by that. Don't assume, but verify. Why am I separating them? Because verbal abuse can happen with or without anger issues. However, when a short temper is paired with foul language, that's a ticking time bomb. And if you are in love with him, then you're likely to make excuses for him. You're gonna be like, oh, oh, that's just one miss, that's just one instance. Oh, he's not always like that. Huh? If you ever say that, ah, a bald means to go off. That's a sign. Keep in mind, verbal abuse can open the door for physical abuse. Yeah, it's not always the case, I get it, but physical abuse doesn't come out of nowhere. Usually there are breadcrumbs and subtle clues that you can follow. So I'm gonna ask you some questions that will be those breadcrumbs. Ready? Think about a man that you're interacting with right now. Put your detective head on and answer each question honestly. Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him? Yes or no? Do you feel like you cannot share things about you because you're afraid he might mock or ridicule or make fun of you? Do you feel like you're constantly being put down about how you look, how you think, how you dress, how you talk, or how you act? Does he yell at you and then say something like, oh, you're being too sensitive, or you don't have a sense of humor? Does he overreact to small problems and then later blame you for the argument that comes out of it? Does he hide his verbal abuse when you are with other people but acts completely differently when you are alone with him? And last question: Do you feel threatened by him or are you scared of him? If you said yes to any of the questions I just asked, there is a good chance that that guy is being verbally or emotionally abusive. A verbally abusive man can inflict a world of damage that can take an entire lifetime to heal. You ain't got time for that. So I'm gonna ask you the same question again. This red flag, a short temper and anger issues, by watching out for this red flag, which of these areas are you protecting?

SPEAKER_00 8:40

What if his temper is more so reserved? He's never actively engaged in being mad at you. Like in your conversations or like throughout building your relationship, he can regulate his emotions, but in other situations he really can't, and you're noticing that.

Sharif Faizullah 8:55

Of all these red flags, this is one of the ones that I would say watch out for this one. Because if he is losing his control in front of other people, the chances of that happening with you inside marriage is very, very likely. And now maybe he's putting a little bit of restraint because he wants you to like him. But after a marriage, he doesn't have to try anymore. So that's when they reveal who they truly are. In the US, in one study, they found that 50% of Muslim students engage in premarital sex. It's not true everywhere, but that is just one study. So when a guy sweet talks a girl into being physically intimate, he often runs the other way when she gets pregnant. Besides the risk of pregnancy, let's put it aside, both sides could catch sexually transmitted infections, STIs, right? Especially if they're physically intimate with other people. Okay, but what if there's nothing physical? A non-physical, serious romance can still leave him heartbroken. So what does that matter? Because after marriage, such a man, he will physically be with you, but emotionally, he might be miles away if he doesn't close the chapter on his old flame properly. If you are intimate with someone right now, do not jump into marriage just to make the relationship halal. On the surface, it seems like a noble thing, but you want to make sure that he's still compatible with you. Okay? If you are listening on a loudspeaker, please put your headphone on or go to a private area because I'm about to switch gears to something that is a bit delicate, but it's important to talk about. There are two secret habits that a lot of men have. First one is masturbation. It's a very common habit that men have. Now, if it's an occasional habit on its own, I wouldn't consider that a red flag. By the way, there's a whole chapter on it. So if you disagree, just hold your horses, wait for it. All right? I will talk about that later. Now, if you pair the first one with the second one, which is watching pornography, then that would be a red flag. Especially if it's a compulsion. So there is something called PMO, porn, masturbation, and orgasm. If that becomes a compulsion, that's when that's a huge red flag. Now, a couple of other clues on this topic. If a guy asks you to send him explicit pictures of you, or if he's asking you improper questions like sex positions or past sexual experiences, for example, or he's sharing explicit jokes with you, like R-rated explicit jokes, then those are all red flags. All right, I'm gonna ask you the guys the same question. Physical or emotional intimacy before marriage. By watching out for this red flag, which of these areas are you protecting?

SPEAKER_01 11:41

Someone has asked, how can we test for these things? Yay!

Sharif Faizullah 11:44

I'm glad somebody asked, because that is the question, right? We're not done with the red flags yet, but I'll answer this. So the way you test them is throughout the entire process. It's not like a one-shot done, like one day thing continuously, especially when you are talking to him, right? I'm gonna show you exactly what to look for, what questions to ask, how to follow up, how to look for inconsistencies, how to see if he's actually lying or if he's telling the truth. And then when your marriage team does the background check, some of these things will be obvious. You just watch him in his environment. So, inshallah, I'm gonna show you guys exactly how to watch out for these. And you might be liking, yeah, what about some of this secret habit? Trust me, you can even ask those questions. Doesn't have to be the first meeting, the second meeting. I've had men and women when they meet, they actually ask each other this question. Hey, what are your thoughts on this? Do you have any habits of this and this? There are so many ways to do this that you will be able to do it confidently, but I'm gonna show you exactly how to ask, what to ask, and when to ask, and when to dig into these as we keep going.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

You mentioned that after marriage, you guys can obviously physically be together, but he might emotionally be somewhere else. So, how can you determine if he's extinguished an old flame or if he's moved on or like healed from that?

Sharif Faizullah 12:55

You actually ask those questions in a respectful way when you talk to him at this step. So, step six, when you have this conversation, this is actually one of the questions you ask. You'll be able to look for clues to see if he has fully resolved it or not. Okay, especially during social background check, you also dig into that a little bit. Is he still currently tangled up or has he closed the chapter fully, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:16

If he's asking me a weird, explicit question, but it's like formatted in a way that's, oh, I'm asking about her preferences for something else, but you can tell that's a little bit weird. What's kind of like the line? What's something that you shouldn't cross? What's a question that's like, okay, that's a red flag?

Sharif Faizullah 13:31

Yeah, if it has to do with bedroom-related stuff that you can talk about after marriage, those would be red flags. If it's beforehand in terms of health, in terms of logistic thing that comes about, those are fine. But as soon as you go into like, you know, bedroom between the sheet type of questions, those stuff that's crossing a line. Red flag numero quattro. Smoking or drinking. Let me ask you this: do you want a husband who cannot control his anger, becomes aggressive or violent towards you or your children? No way. So please stay away from a man who uses any mind-altering substance, even if it's like on rare occasions. It does not matter whether he's addicted to them. Here's why. When a husband is high on recreational drugs or like drunk on alcohol, the chances of him abusing his wife and kids just go through the roof. That's why it's not a surprise that alcohol is a big factor in four out of every 10 reported cases of domestic violence in the US. That is a lot. Now I'm gonna ask you guys a question. Tell me which one is worse: smoking hookah or smoking cigarettes? Which one is worse do you think? I was surprised to learn that one hour of hookah smoking equals to inhaling up to 200 cigarettes. Now, sometimes some women will be like, it's okay if he smokes, just not inside the house. I'm okay if he does it outside. Well, would you be okay knowing that your husband is committing slow suicide with each puff he takes? Think about this too. Would you kiss an ashtray? A disgusting stinking ashtray every single day? See, when someone smokes cigarettes, hookah, weed, or choose tobacco, vape, whatever, right, they will reek of the stench, no matter how hard they try to hide that stink with their breath spray or gum and whatnot. And even worse, he's likely friends with whom? With people who have similar habits. Friends who smoke, who drink and party. Now, as his wife, in the future, would you want to spend time with his drinking and party going friends in a haze of smoke? Think about it. If you are inclined now to say, like secondhand smoking is okay, then I want you to think about this. Do you want these things for your future children? I'm gonna mention four things. Do you want your future children to be affectionate and tender? Do you want them to show interest and curiosity? Do you want them to smile and laugh? Do you want them to bounce back quickly, be resilient? I hope you said yes to all of them, right? Children who are exposed to smoking, they suffer in all the four areas that I just mentioned. Not to mention losing sleep and other health issues, even if your husband does not smoke at home. In the book, I have given references for all of them. So if you don't believe me, you can look up the references. This is a serious issue that a lot of Muslims have, and that is something that you have to decide. Now, by watching out for this red flag, which of these areas are you protecting?

SPEAKER_00 16:31

What if he is a social smoker? Like my friends are going, I'm gonna smoke just a little bit and then I'll be back. Should that be a red flag, or is that fine because it's not like a habit necessarily?

Sharif Faizullah 16:43

I would recommend you have that discussion with him because it's not just your health, it's also your future children's health. So you want to see is that a habit that he can give up? Sometimes people use this type of social thing as an excuse. But if you are a social smoker, why do you have to do it every single time? So you want to look into that, dig into all of that, especially if you grow up with family members and relatives who smoke, then you might be a little bit more lenient towards that. Because I know people who didn't grow up with smoking family members, they're like, No, I can't stand it. Make sure that it is something that he's able to give up because that is extremely dangerous. As I said, it is slow suicide. And then if he said, Oh, I'm gonna stop after marriage, no, no, now like you want to see that proof now, before marriage. Because any guy says about anything, oh, I'll do it after marriage, something that he could do now, uh-uh, not good enough.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

So you mentioned, like, oh, why do you have to do it every time? So if he is not someone that does it every time, like he's able to be like, Oh no, you know, guys, not today. I'd rather stay home or no, I'm not in the mood to smoke.

Sharif Faizullah 17:38

If he's able to do that, absolutely. And the next level would be, well, next time you guys hang out, why don't you hang out somewhere else? Go to a bowling alley, go play a sport somewhere. Like, can you find a different environment where you don't have to resort to that? Do you get what I mean? If you can take it to the next level, that's definitely a green flag.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

On that same note, suppose his friends are really leading that charge and they're like, We only want to hang out in this place, or like nine times out of ten, we want to hang out there because oh, the food is really good, we like the vibes, the football game is on, we're gonna go there. Should his friends be considered a red flag too, if this is the company he keeps?

Sharif Faizullah 18:12

Yeah, you are the average of some of the closest people you hang out with. So if his friends are like, you know, 90% of the time, like they're very adamant about this, and he really does not lead them, he's influenced by them, then the chances of him being influenced by that after marriage continues. Red flag, numero cinco. The two extremes with religion. Just because someone looks outwardly religious, it doesn't always mean that he's inwardly pious or has a good character. I'm telling you, I know men who pray five times a day, they have way longer than me, long beards, they wear like long soaps, but in their home, they are vile and disgusting in their treatment of their wives and children. Now, what's sad is that some of them don't even realize that they're being two-faced hypocrites. So extreme in Deen can also mean my way or the highway approach to practicing Islam. So if he instantly labels a Muslim who disagrees with him, oh, he's a kafir, he's a non-believer, that's a red flag. That's one thing to look out for. I am not talking about respectful, healthy disagreement. Uh uh. I'm talking about extreme level of intolerance and hostility towards other madhab or other school of thoughts or other opinions that are different from his. Have you heard the phrase, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing? Some students of Islam, unknowingly, they go through this extremely zealous phase. They're like very extreme, very hardcore on their opinions as they're learning things. Eventually they grow out of it once they realize the difference between textbook knowledge and real-life wisdom. All of the past scholars of Islam, they were aware of these two things. Okay, so that's one side of it, being extreme. What about on the other side of this extreme? That is faking it. So there are men who pretend to be Muslims because they grew up in a Muslim family. They don't even believe in Allah or life after death. And they hide their atheistic or agnostic beliefs because of friends, because of family pressure. Why am I telling you this? Because some of these men, they look for quote-unquote like nice religious girls to marry. Guess why? Because they still want a healthy marriage and a stable family. I know women who fallen victim to such men, and just for the sake of their marriage and family, some of these women have slowly sacrificed their deen, their religion. Why does this matter? Because your husband is your Jannah or Jahannam. He has an unbelievable amount of influence on you and your future children's hereafter, Jannah or Jahannam. So please do not let a liar drag you down to hell. On that note, be careful. When you see a man's parents, like you see a guy, his mom and dad, practice the deen really well, do not automatically assume that their son is the same. Be careful. Assess his deen on his own merit. I've seen many cases where the son does not match the religiosity of their parents. So what is the bottom line? Stay away from both of these two extremes when it comes to religion. So you want to look for someone who approaches Deen and Dunya with some semblance of balance without completely ignoring the other. Now, by watching out for this red flag, which of these are you protecting?

SPEAKER_01 21:24

So, how do we know if he's a two-faced hypocrite whilst talking?

Sharif Faizullah 21:28

While you're talking, you'll actually address those points. It's coming up next. There is a specific section where there are dozens of questions you get to ask him to find out what his true beliefs are, what his true practices are. Because if you ask a guy, hey, do you pray? They're like, Yeah, I pray. Okay. Twice a year, once a week, five times like that is just a vague level of. We're gonna go much deeper than that. That is the first way. And second way, through that background check. Your marriage team will be doing those social and community background checks to find out if what the guy says is actually who he is.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

We've Also, had someone share their thoughts. So Shadi has said, especially if they dormed or lived abroad for long periods of time, don't take family assessment seriously regarding his dean or character.

Sharif Faizullah 22:11

100% agreed. But it kind of cuts both ways. Yes, his childhood, how he grew up, his family, do they matter? Yes, absolutely. But I would say look into someone the way they are today. When you get married to someone, you want to marry them just the way they are today. If you cannot accept a guy just the way he is and you want to take him as a remodeling project, I'm gonna buy this like in a dump and try to fix it up. Don't approach marriage like that. If he has a solid foundation and you guys want to grow together, excellent. But if he's a complete mess when it comes to Dean, when it comes to basic level of maturity and responsibility, do not take him up as your fixer-upper project. You will most likely be disappointed.

SPEAKER_00 22:48

The two extremes with religion. I do have a big question about this one. I know we say to like vet and verify and ask others around, ask people at the mosques he visits, or his friends or family, people that would interact with him while he's practicing. But a lot of times not everybody has the full picture. So how can you really be sure and like identify what are his beliefs in secret?

Sharif Faizullah 23:09

You could definitely ask these questions here during marriage conversation to find out if he is actually faking it or kind of see the extent of his belief or extent of his knowledge or extent of his practice. That's exactly why it's there. You will be able to separate a faker versus someone who's genuine. Even if he doesn't know the answer, like you will know, okay, he's being sincere, his level of practice, his knowledge of Islam is up to this level. And that's what you gotta gauge on. Okay, am I okay with this level? Will you know exactly 100% of all of his belief? No, but you'll at least know some of the basics. If you know how to ask those questions, you'll be able to know does he believe in Allah? Does he believe in the hereafter? Then you can also future pace some of this question, like how frequently would you want them to go to the masjid, where we want them to go, um, in terms of celebrating Christmas, for example, like you will kind of know extend to what his boundaries are around the deen, around the practice of Islam.

SPEAKER_00 23:58

I've heard a lot of horror stories, especially like being from Houston. We have a very huge Muslim community. We have multiple masjids, and like you hear stories about these guys that get married. They are like pillars of our Muslim community, they're very knowledgeable, very educated, they get married, and then they end up divorced. Her stories come out about like he did this, this, this, the thing that does not fall within Islamic belief whatsoever.

Sharif Faizullah 24:23

Let's poke into that. Is that about his deen or is that about his character?

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Well, those would definitely be character flaws.

Sharif Faizullah 24:29

That's the thing. So, what you just said, 100% agree. 100%, and that's the flaw. People think, well, just because he's knowledgeable, because he's memorized the Quran, because he's such a scholar of Islam. Oh, great. But this is exactly why we put them separately. Deen and character, we don't put them together under one. You have to assess deen and character separately. Doesn't matter how knowledgeable the guy is, even if he prays five times a day, even if he prays tahjud, well, you gotta look into his character. He's dealing with money, he's dealing with the opposite gender. Some of the red flags that we're dealing with, it goes to character. And then, of course, you're gonna go into compatibility more later. You know, Allah has plans, everyone has their own journey. However, based on some of the ones that you're talking about, I can also think of some scenarios where they were so amazed and so wowed by the guy's external knowledge of Islam, they did not dig into the guy's character properly. Red flag, numerous, terrible with money. If a man is penny pinching and stingy while he is single, chances are that he will stay the same after marriage. On the other hand, if he maxes out all of his credit cards and can barely make the minimum monthly payment, that's not a good sign either. Stay far away if he has a habit of gambling. Of course, student loans and poor money management by his parents, things that he doesn't have direct control over, do not count against him. Now, be careful not to jump the gun with someone just because he is rich. A woman who seeks out a rich man to marry, just because he's rich, might end up in a terrible marriage, especially if she overlooks all of his red flags. Now, by watching out for this red flag, which of these areas are you protecting? You might be asking, are these the only red flags? No, but these are the primary ones. I'll help you discover more red flags and more importantly, how to recognize if a guy has them as we keep going.

SPEAKER_01 26:30

How do you know if he's just being stingy or if he's being financially smart?

Sharif Faizullah 26:35

That's what you find out when you have your marriage conversation with him. Under financial compatibility, we have all those questions you ask and you follow up. And when you do your financial background check, you can see what his expenses are, what his income is, and in the future what the projection is. I think you can easily find out. It's a fine line. I actually know a story of a millionaire. This guy he would carry around this tiny notepad. Let's say he buys a bottle of water from a gas station of $2. He would write it down. He would take that extra 30 seconds, pull out the notebook, write it down. Someone interviewed him later on, like, why do you do that? He said, if you don't track your money, you will end up spending without knowing where it's going. There is another guy in the morning when he wake up, one of the first things he would do was look at his bank statements. Just looking at it, visually looking at it, being able to track it, it's a big step towards becoming financially independent. So, yeah, you want to be careful. Just because somebody is being careful with their money doesn't necessarily mean they're being stingy. How do you know? As long as they are spending on things that are necessities, things that are essential, they are not shying away from that, then that should be okay. But that is something that you could discuss. You could throw a couple of examples at the guy, say, hey, if this happens, what would you do? Would you share the cost? Would you pay for it all by yourself? So you can actually probe into some of those scenarios and kind of see what the guy is thinking of.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

If a man is rich, is that a green flag?

Sharif Faizullah 27:52

That is one data point amongst many other data points. So when you say DC, commerce, mean character, and compatibility, well, under compatibility, you want someone who can take care of you and the family and the future children financially. So then that is absolutely something under deal maker. Now, rich, you need to define that. Is that $50,000 a year? Is it $100K a year? Is it half a quarter million dollars a year? At certain point, there is a threshold where making a lot more doesn't really give you that level of return. I forgot the exact number. There is a specific number depending on the city, depending on where you live, once you go beyond that, it's a diminishing return. It doesn't really do much. You would rather then spend that time with family and take care of your health and all of that. So two things. One is defined rich, because rich could be very different. Someone who is in the middle of America, somewhere, let's say a rural area, or someone living in Manhattan in New York City, like in the middle, you know, Fifth Avenue. Depending on where you live, the definition of rich changes very, very widely. Terrible with money is a big issue. So I think this is something that we need to discuss. I wasn't money fluent in the sense that my parents didn't teach me how to talk about money, how to discuss money openly like that. But I think this is a skill that we need to learn.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

I've heard someone say that it's good in a marriage to have a bank account where your partner doesn't know about it and there's some money in there just in case. What is your opinion on that?

Sharif Faizullah 29:15

So, what research shows and what Islam supports and what real life backs up is that you have something that is your own because you have a life previously. You are your own person. So you have something that's in your own. He also has something that's his own. But once you get married afterwards, inshallah, having a joint account is helpful. That's where all the bills are paid from, all the family expenses are taken care of, all the tuition for the kids are taken care of. Any expense, anything where it's a family expense goes from there. Let's say both of you are making an income. Some part of it you keep, and then other part you send it to the joint account. Of course, he's gonna send most of it or all of it. You don't necessarily have to send anything, but depending on whatever agreement that you guys have, so those individual accounts, only you have access to it. But the family, joint account, both of you have access to it. In that bank account, both of you can sign, both of you can access and withdraw and take. Does that make sense? You have your own, he has his own, and you have a joint account problem solved. I've seen that to be the most equitable solution. All the other stuff that people say is different scenarios. The husband is so stingy or the husband is being abusive financially or whatever. So sometimes we take these extreme cases and then we apply, okay, you know what, that might be the best practice for everybody. No. For a healthy marriage, having your own separate account plus having a joint family account, that's the best way to go.

SPEAKER_01 30:34

Is that any requirement to disclose how much is in your individual accounts?

Sharif Faizullah 30:38

You can do a ballpark figure. So I know cases where the woman is, mashallah, financially quite established, has a lot of businesses running, financially wealthy, and she doesn't want a guy to take advantage of that. You don't have to disclose everything. You can say, okay, I make enough. You can give like a range, you don't have to go the specific figure. That could be something for later. That is a smart way. If you are financially wealthy, alhamdulillah, and that is a concern that I've heard from people. So you want to be smart about it. Absolutely, you're not going to share that in your marriage magnet. You're not going to share that in maybe not even in the first meeting. But you can mention that, hey, this is the lifestyle that I am comfortable with. This is the lifestyle I would like to continue living, inshallah. And what are your thoughts on that? How much can we contribute to that? Makes sense. Inshallah, when we when we go into that, we will discuss that in a lot more detail. But right now we're looking, is this a red flag in the guy? Is the guy at least okay or willing to talk about money?

SPEAKER_00 31:27

I only have one question about this one. How do you ask that? This feels like so personal to ask you, like, oh, what's your credit score? How do you spend your money? Or are you in debt right now? Like all of those types of questions feel almost improper to ask.

Sharif Faizullah 31:41

If they feel improper to ask, then I would say, why? If your family doesn't talk about money, that could be a reason. Because if money is a taboo topic in your family, but I know families that are money fluent, they know how to talk about money, they're able to ask these questions very easily because this is a big source of marriages becoming sour and falling apart. Not money itself, by the way, because rich people have money problems, poor people have money problem. Money is not the issue. Knowing how to talk about money, how to manage money, that's the issue. So this is almost like a foreshadowing of how open and transparent conversation and communication and planning you will have in your marriage about money. Because right now, if you're able to talk about these things in a sincere way, trust me, that opens up a door, the habit, the room is now open. After marriage, you can deal with money problems so much more easily. And we give you a whole list of questions to ask that it's not just about, hey, do you have a credit card? Those are just some basic ones. You can go much deeper. You can ask for credit score to financial records to all these things. Absolutely. You know, in some countries, that's a requirement. The marriage efficient will not do your marriage unless you provide like a doctor's report. So the fact that we don't ask is because we culturally we are taught these are taboo topics. They're not, they are essential. But are you gonna ask those questions on the first meeting in the first 10 minutes? Maybe not. You get the idea. So how you ask and when you ask, there's some arts to it, but these are absolutely essential topics that you would definitely ask.

SPEAKER_01 33:13

And we've got another question, a really good one from Super Curious. She's asked, couples can be engaged for ages and seem perfect, they've even been better by families, yet red flags only seem to appear after marriage. How does that happen? Do we miss the signs, or are some people just good at hiding them?

Sharif Faizullah 33:29

Engaged for a long time. I'm just gonna like underline that and circle that. Oh my god, okay, tell me how long that is. I'm gonna talk about engagement. Here is the basic rule of engagement: the shorter, the better. If you drag engagement for too long, shaitan is gonna try to mess with it, just try to poke holes and do all of that. And I would like to know when they said looked into the like how deeply did they look into it? Because some people I ask them, like, hey, did you just like a background check on the guy? Yeah, tell me what you did. I talked to his family, his brother and sister. Like, do you think his brother and sister they're gonna badmouth the guy? Uh come on. I wouldn't even count that. Of course, you talk to his family, but you gotta go way beyond that. So I think the way people do these types of social, civil, criminal, community, and digital, all of these background checks, the way they do it, it is very surface level. They think they have done it, but they actually have not. I will admit, my flaw. When I got married, I had debts. We didn't share that. And my financial baggage became an issue in our marriage later. So I'm telling you, it's a matter of asking the question. Sometimes we don't know. So we think we know, but we don't ask the question. A lot of people they think they have done the job, but they haven't, and they do it verbally, just in their mind, and it's all like jumbled up.

SPEAKER_01 34:37

Can you please elaborate on a background check? Who does it and how?

Sharif Faizullah 34:41

You gotta wait for that. Quick answer: your marriage team does that. Your parents and some of the people you'll recruit in your marriage team. Some of your marriage ambassadors might do that as well, and that's how you do not do that right away. Do you want to do your digital? Yeah, absolutely. I'm sure you would love to do your digital background check. Let me see what the guy posts on Instagram and all of that stuff. You will be a part of it, but your marriage team will play a big role in that.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

So someone has asked, you mentioned looking at potential earlier. How do we balance choosing someone who already demonstrates the qualities we want versus giving them the space and time to develop them without putting ourselves at risk for change that may never happen? Because truth is, you won't get to absolutely everything you're looking for.

Sharif Faizullah 35:23

I agree with the second part. You will not have 100% of what you're looking for in a guy. 100% agreed. Absolutely. So, how do you look at potential earlier? Is by asking those deep questions where you get to know his current lifestyle, his plan, and what he's planning for in the next five, 10 years of his life. So you're looking at all of that potential. Does he have a potential to be a good husband, to be a good father? So those are the things that you are going to look for. How do you balance between someone who demonstrates some of the qualities versus giving them space and time to develop them? When we talk about cornerstone and capstone marriage that's coming up soon, do you want to grow together or are you looking for a finished product? Okay, that's something to look into. But that risk is always there. And I will tell you this is the brutal honest truth is that you will not find a guy on this planet who will have 100% of every single little thing you're looking for in Jannah, inshallah.

SPEAKER_01 36:17

I just want to add to that there won't be a person on the planet who will match all of your criteria in the same way that you won't match all of someone else's criteria. It works, yeah, it goes both ways. And we've had one more question from Super Curious who's asked, Do you think we should think of and create a list of all questions to assess a potential's qualities? Won't the conversation be too interrogatory that way?

Sharif Faizullah 36:41

Oh my god, I love this question. You know what? I had this question growing up. Like when I went through this process, I had the exact same question. I don't want to be like an FBI interrogation. I don't want to be like a job interview. Oh come on, we're gonna talk about all of that, inshallah. You will be able to ask the right questions. Some of the questions will come just as a follow-up. And you don't have to build these questions from scratch. I will give you all the questions. 300 plus questions broken down in different topics so you can cover them in different meetings. Also prioritized. So you will know if you have short time. I'm gonna tell you which questions to not skip at all and which questions are somewhat optional. Online, you'll find a lot of places with questions to ask. They just dump a bunch of questions. We're gonna go way beyond that. Like when to ask, how to ask, how to follow up, and how to mix and match. Because remember, your deal makers and deal breakers are different than somebody else's, right? So you will be able to pick and choose questions based on what you need. So when you talk to the guy, you don't have to mumble and fumble with your words looking for what to say. No, you will already be prepared, inshallah.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

And just to add my two pence to that, if the person you're having this conversation with is serious, they'll understand why you're asking all these questions and they won't think of it as an interrogation. If they do interpret it as an interrogation, to some extent, that indicates how serious they are about marriage.

Sharif Faizullah 38:01

And it's also not just the what, it's also the how. How you ask a question makes a big difference because there are ways to ask very sensitive, very difficult questions in a way where the guy would be like, Oh, thank you for asking me that. So sometimes we project it on the guy. If somebody asks me the question, I would be, oh my god. No, don't project your own fears and worries about these questions onto the guy. He might be completely okay with it.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

You mentioned overlooking red flags. In my friend group, we had somebody who was talking to somebody and she was getting irritated that he was doing this one thing, and so she asked for advice. And one of our other friends said, You know what? Boys are dumb. They're always dumb, they're always gonna do something that you don't like, they're gonna piss you off, you're gonna be annoyed. Because boys are just dumb. They don't get how you think. You're a girl, he's a boy. So you just have to choose how much dumb you can live with. So are there ones that you think it's okay to overlook them? And are there ones that you're like, do not ever overlook this?

Sharif Faizullah 38:54

The answer is yes. There are some that you can put more importance than others. And then if you are going to compromise on a red flag, make sure that it makes the other things that make up for that compromise. The red flags are red flags for a reason, because other people have suffered because of these red flags that they have overlooked.

SPEAKER_01 39:13

So, how much do feelings play a role over logic?

Sharif Faizullah 39:17

Okay. Feeling is extremely important. So they're like two extremes. On the one side, you have people who are like, okay, you know what? It's all about the feelings. Oh my god, if you don't vie, if there's no chemistry, that's it. It doesn't matter. And then on the other side, they'd be like, oh, it's all logic, bro. Mm-mm. I mean, love and all that stuff, who cares? Just logic, you know? So I think we need to be somewhere in the middle. Because Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam, that's what he taught. One of the young companions, he thinking about marrying someone, he said, Did you go and look at her, talk to her? Like that has to be there. Some semblance of liking, attraction has to be there. So do we need some feeling? Yes. Do you need to feel like cloud nine, like you know, head over heels and all of that? No. And that's the balance. So we don't need that level of romance, but we do need some chemistry. And then logic, well, that's why you have connection before selection mistake that you want to avoid. So I would say combine the two. Do not completely ignore one at the expense of the other. Can you maybe a little bit heavier on the logic side, a little bit less on the feeling side? Yes. Can you be a little bit heavier on the feeling side? Just make sure to take care of the logic side, yes.

SPEAKER_01 40:19

Should you move forward if you're just not feeling it, but everything else makes sense?

Sharif Faizullah 40:23

You want to look for potential in that case. Because I'll tell you, as a man, right, a lot of men do not have the skill. Like they don't. The way you are thinking about love and romance, it's not men, they don't always think it like that. They want it, they crave it, they need it, but they don't have the skills, like the tools or the technology to express that and to share that, especially if they didn't see that model from their parents. So don't automatically assume just because a man is not being romantically expressive before marriage, that he doesn't have the capacity. Perhaps he's not doing that. He's waiting until he gets married. Then he will express it in the sanctity of marriage in that private arena. Why Marvel needs DC comics? Here are four reasons a man wants to marry a woman. How do you think we should be scoring people based on how attracted we are to them? You might assume that if a man has Deen, he also has good character. On planet Earth, that's not the case.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

He needs all three across the board.

Sharif Faizullah 41:19

He needs all three in this order.

SPEAKER_00 41:21

He has the potential to be really himself.

Sharif Faizullah 41:23

The guy, the guy, the guy, but the guy comes second. You come first.