block out the noise

Born from an idea that I had for a full episode, “ Block out the noise” is a short snippet of me explaining how hard it can be to hear your own voice when you’re allowing other people’s voices to drown out yours. Tune in and feel free to share if you’ve ever experienced something similar. 

Transcript

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Hey, this is your girl Brianna, and welcome to the Divine Intervention Podcast, where I try my best to create space and learn how to take up that space. And I'm here today, laying in a bed in Atlanta, can't sleep, and it crossed my mind. Well, a couple of things crossed my mind, and I figured that, hey, maybe I need to get these words out, and that's why I'm awake. And that's kind of how I got here right now. And I think that this isn't gonna be a long episode, it's gonna be some like really short, like a snippet. I'll probably do like a longer version later, but I've had this idea in my head for a minute to do an episode called Block Out the Noise. And I wanted to do it with me and then with a guest um to talk a little bit about what that's like. And sitting here, I'm thinking through um honestly just the different mental spaces that I was in when I first cut my hair off. And the reason why it's on my mind is because I I just had a friend that they're kind of they've had thoughts about cutting their hair off, um, or whatever, especially as a black woman. Like that's a very significant thing. Because our hair is so rooted in our identity, it's so rooted in how we view ourselves, it's so rooted in our perception of ourselves and who we believe ourselves to be. And as it crossed my mind, I got to thinking about how one of the hardest things I've always struggled with since I was a little girl is I started my mental health journey early. I started it in like eighth grade, so like seventh, eighth grade, and I didn't notice that that's what I was doing, but it was almost like I just gained an awareness of how rooted my identity was in external things, and it's it's this is something that I always kind of bring myself back to anytime that I'm like doing uh a check-in with myself. I'm like, what are you connecting yourself to that is outside of yourself? Um and when I say that, I mean like external validation, looking for things from other people. Um, because at the root of like to me, self-perception in this journey of like self-discovery is finding out that you gotta pour into you. No matter how much other people do it, if you're not doing it yourself, it's like you have to build the cup and create the base of what can even go in there. And you have to put a little bit in there first. So much so that when other people get to pouring, they really just pouring on top of the love that you already have. But when people are pouring and you ain't did none of the work for yourself, it's like they pouring into a non-existent cup and you can't hold it because you don't even have a place for it to go. You don't even know how to process it, you don't even know how to receive it. And the reason why all of this crossed my mind is because I was thinking about my second episode titled Nuance, and I've had a lot of realizations lately. I kind of have been on this journey of I'm always on some type of journey, but this one has been like almost one of like awareness, and I feel like I've gained so much awareness of things that was normally kind of going unseen for me because I was so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that I wasn't paying attention to the world around me. And sitting here in Atlanta at this conference, I've just felt so fulfilled because it's it's the feeling of knowing that you're in the right place at the right time, hearing what you're supposed to hear, being around the people that you're supposed to be around, and it honestly it feels like I'm in alignment, and taking it back to this blocking out the noise. As I was laying here, I was thinking about how I've recently been sitting on this idea of and with myself in allowing myself to accept my own definitions, and I say that because on this podcast, a lot of times I say, well, other people's definitions, the world's definitions, um, and it kind of it's something that gets tossed around and it's so vague, and I think I want to just put like an actual experience to it to make it make sense. But I think the best way I can describe it is taking it back to when I cut my hair off. And the reason why this was so influential to me is because I never felt as free as I felt the day that my locks hit the floor. I never felt as free the day that I went like bald. Like I felt like a bird. Like I felt free. But I immediately noticed other people's reactions to myself. And it's one of those experiences where it's such an interesting thing because it's it's hearing black women say to me, like, oh my gosh, you're so strong, I don't think I ever would have did that. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, Okay, like I don't really or my favorite one is when people assume that you're on some type of like mental crisis, like you're going through something. And it just the amount of people that would talk to me and they would just assume that there was some negative thing budding or this negative thing growing inside of me, so much so that it possessed me to just chop my hair off. And being a black woman, you know, it's it's one of those, it's so culturally rooted in our identity and people's perception of our womanhood and our femininity. And oh my gosh, it just I would get overwhelmed at the amount of people that felt like they had a right to speak on me when I wasn't even a business for real, but that's neither here nor there. I think going deeper into the topic and this idea of like blocking out the noise, for me being bald, I feel free. I think that in every different stage that I'm in in life and every different hairstyle, every different way that I restyle myself or I show up, it's it's it's like an external representation of what's happening internally for me. And so I always find it interesting whenever like people speak on it because it's literally something I'm doing for me. Um, but it's always interesting to hear like other people's the fact that other people even feel comfortable enough to, you know, share their opinion of what you have going on is is actually kind of funny to me. But taking it back to blocking out the noise, I feel like I've recently hit this wall of realization and understanding that that's what I've always struggled to do. I've always struggled to block out the noise. And even though I knew that things that I did had a purpose, the way that I presented myself had a purpose, um, even the way I show up, the way that I do the things I do, I know that they have a purpose. Um, like I said, I started my my mental health journey very young in like middle school. I knew that for myself, I knew the journey that I was on, whether the people around me knew I was on it or not. Um it's kind of a me v me thing. Like one-on-one, this is a personal journey. But it was always the lingering comments of other people's ideas, other people's perceptions. And I think that when I say like the world's definitions or other people's definitions, that's what I mean. Because when you're a person and you're growing, when you're young and you're growing into yourself and you're constantly hearing everybody else's idea of who you are, it makes your vision become blurred. It makes you think that, you know, even though you have this sense of who you are, and especially for me, like I was at like the seventh, eighth grade mark, I was I noticed that so much of how I view myself was tied to acad like academics. And it was like that because for me, that was when you're a little kid in a delta, and that's the primary way that anybody even remotely like pays attention to you for real, it becomes a very large part of your identity. It becomes the way that people mark you, like it's it's almost like a label. Um and over time, I grew to just feel very uncomfortable with this label because I always felt like if I was to describe myself, I would start with my heart. I would start with my personality, I would start with how loving I am, how caring I am. I would I would start with the ways that I pour into the world that are a reflection of things that I actively choose. And do I choose to go to school? Yes, I indeed do. But it's more so just something that I do. I didn't I didn't view it as something that was big enough to be labeled as such a primary thing of when people think of me. And for this thing of like blocking out the noise, it got to the point where even when people wanted to insult me, the thing that they were gonna come for first was my intelligence. Every single time, like it was they were always gonna come for my intelligence, and when I started to notice it, is when it started to get under my skin, and I I asked myself, I was like, Bree, why did that bother you? And it was because I allow somebody else's marker of my value to dictate how I value myself and the the price. I hate to say a price tag, but it was it was the price tag, the label, the amount of value that I put on myself, and I'm worth so much more than that. And so I think laying here, I and especially being in Atlanta, something that has just been on my mind the entire day. Um, is just thinking about nuance and how I feel like whenever I tell people that like I don't view my accomplishments or achievements as like a primary thing about me, they're kind of just like, well, what? That doesn't make sense. What do you mean by that? Do you struggle to like accept that sh whatever, whatever, whatever. I always go it's the same conversations every time. Um, and it's always really hard for me to get people to understand that this is is what I do. It's it's it's a gift. It's it's a gift given to me that I'm extremely thankful for. But I think in this idea of blocking out the noise, it's understanding that it is the gift that I was put here to do. But it isn't necessarily the way that I define or even the lens that I use to fully perceive myself. It's more so just like an additional piece, but it's not the whole meal. And I'm really glad that my second episode was nuanced because I feel like, especially in this stage that I've been in these past couple of days, I've really been understanding how many experiences I've been in where I've clashed with people regarding like definitions and the way that I view the world. And I think a lot of times when I'm interacting with people, what I struggle with most is feeling unseen and unheard because I'm navigating off of like my own definition and it's not in alignment with like the idea of it that another person has. And it kind of puts me in a state of sometimes feeling like I can't really get across how I feel because I don't even feel like after it leaves my mouth it it'll be fully understood. But I think that over these past couple of days it's made me realize to kind of embrace that and accept the nuance of it that there will be times when I engage with people, and when people engage with me and we're not fully on the same page, it's like we're trying to discuss a book, but you're on chapter three, and I'm finished with the book, and I'm trying to like guide you, but you don't have like the full understanding, and then you have somebody else that's on like the second series of the whole novel is just a lot, and everybody's on completely different pages, and everybody's right based off of their perception, but they're not necessarily on the same page. I think that's the best way I can describe it. I think I've come to a place of acceptance and learning how to for one, accept nuance, but also to just block out the noise and don't allow other people's perception ideals to change or make me question myself, um, so much so that it makes me question myself perception and how I view myself and the way that I view the world and the things that I have already placed my definitions on based off of my experience. I think that throughout my life I I put so much value in like valuing others that it makes me it makes my vision blurred because I'm allowing other people's voices to be more clear. Um and at the end, that's honestly like a detriment to yourself. And so I just wanted to hop on, share that I said it was gonna be a quick episode, and indeed I yapped for a little bit. But if you lasted this long, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you in the next one.