navigating imposter syndrome & self esteem

In this episode, I discuss my experience with imposter syndrome and how it shows up for me. I have been hesitant to start my book analysis portion of the podcast for plenty of reasons but the primary reason was that I kept questioning my ability to actually execute my own plan. Even though I have stacks of books with annotations and sticky notes, I feared that I wouldn't be able to execute my own vision. My next episodes will feature more book analysis once I start back and I will weave in personal stories and experiences. 

I also discussed how I have always been uneasy to call myself a creative even though my creative side is what I love most about myself and what I enjoy. The uneasiness stemmed from not truly stepping into my own art and creation or believing that I had to ability to be a creator of something. 

Lastly, I discussed how frequently I allowed worrying to steal my joy and energy, especially when I had so much more to be thankful for than frustrated with. It hindered me from fully seeing myself and what I was capable of. When you're in "go mode," it becomes hard to pause and truly reflect on yourself and what you have done. 

Transcript

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Hey, how y'all doing? This is your girl Brianna and this is the Divine Intervention Podcast where I try my best to make space and learn how to take up that space. And today I'm excited because this is the first episode that I'm recording in my new apartment in Arkansas. I moved to Little Rock. Um and so these past 13 days have been a whirlwind. A lot of emotions, a lot of processing, a lot of me the me. Me versus me. Your girl been having a whole lot of her time. And in these 13 days, I was kind of racking my brain trying to figure out what my next episode would be. Because after this episode, I'm gonna take a little break because I realized and Pat on the back, I did not realize the amount of time that passed between my first episode and now. This is like episode number 14. I didn't even realize I made this many episodes. I didn't even realize that like I dropped my first episode in January, and now it's like May. So, like I said in some of my earlier episodes, I'm the type of person that I gotta go into my cocoon every now and then. I have to do some deep self-reflection. So this is gonna be my last episode for probably about a month and a half, giving myself some me time, especially since I moved, so I can get to know not only the area, but who I am in the area and how I show up and all of the things. And after sitting, I think the best title or the best theme I could have for this episode is talking about imposter syndrome, and I wanted to talk about imposter syndrome because I feel like it's layered, I feel like it's it's it's extremely layered for me. I started this podcast, I wanted to talk about book analysis and all of the things, and immediately I found myself drawn to personal experience. One, because I love the lessons you learned and personal experience. I feel like nothing teaches you like life. But also because I was trying to figure out like Bree, what this book analysis thing, like I have books in my apartment, stacks of books marked up. I've been trying to figure out like what will your method be? Like what will your how will your approach be? And it kind of took a back burner. It fell to the back burner because of that word imposter syndrome, but also I actually didn't realize that until I just said it, if I'm gonna be honest. Um I'm also excited to say that like my next episodes when I come back are gonna be book analysis. It's gonna be a lot of me looping in personal experiences with stories. Um my personal stories. So I'm actually gonna get even more personal, which I am gonna need some time to wrap my head around that because the first book that I want to talk about is All About Love by Bill Hooks, and I wrote a short story about navigating love as a young woman in her 20s. Um, so it's gonna be a lot of me talking about myself, and I need some time to get comfortable with that. Um, but I am excited because I really do like the book, I really did like some of the points, and yeah, I'm just excited to get into it. But I think for me a lot of it goes back to imposter syndrome. And when I first thought to make this episode, because the way that I work is I kind of bounce ideas around in my head, my journal. Um, sometimes I do voice memos and I like go back and listen to them, and sometimes I make sense, sometimes I don't. Um, but with imposter syndrome, I could never figure out how to vocally express my experience with it. Because for a long time, I never really saw myself as someone who struggled with imposter syndrome. But yes, I never really saw myself as someone who struggled with imposter syndrome, and I think it is it's a layered reasoning why. I think for one, it was because for a long time, I've talked about in like a couple of episodes, videos, how I always struggled with like the academic side of things and like me and being someone who is often perceived as smart, um, and what that means and like the anxiety um that kind of stems from that, but also in how I kind of struggle to navigate making sense of myself because it is it's just always been a part of me that I feel like consumes a lot of I don't even want to just say other people's perception, I also say like my perception of myself. Um, and so in the conversation with imposter syndrome, I always struggled with even my relationship with the word. I'm like that for a couple of things. I really struggle with figuring out what is that for me and how does that show up for me. I think it's really easy to look at things from a distance. Um, but when you're looking at yourself, it takes a little bit more time to sit with it. And I realized that imposter syndrome for me, the the place that it shows up is, and before I get into it, I could tell like a mini conversation that happened to me probably like last week. Um it's an older woman who I've recently met, and she's taking on like a really big role, she's super sweet. Um, honestly, y'all, like she's a sweetheart. And she called me and she asked me, So, Brianna, what like what do you do? And I froze because oftentimes with me, I really struggle in explaining to people what I do because I have no idea. Like, if you ask me, I just exist. I pick up hobbies, I weave in and out of them. I don't really hold myself to them because I feel like there's so many areas in life where like it takes the fun out of stuff when you start to make it a chore, like it's not school, it's supposed to be a hobby for a reason. Like, you're not supposed to be out here trying to be like getting gold medals or whatever in what you're doing to relax. Um, but also because even in general, like when people ask me career career-wise, like what do you want to do? Like, who are you? I really struggle with my answer because I've always felt like I've kind of created my own path. Like, I don't being very honest, I've never really felt like I fit into too many spaces. I've never really felt like too many titles and roles have fit me. Um, or all that I feel like I am is like a person and all that I aspire to do and what I love to do, which is why I often will have so many different roles and so many different places, because they allowed me to be me in full versus in bits and pieces. And so when she asked me, she was like, So what do you do? I froze and I was like, Who are you? Um, I was asking myself, I was like, girl, who who are you? Like she's actually like, What do you do? What do you do? And I always think that it's ironic because even though I know that I love writing and I see myself as a writer, it's typically not what I say to people. Um, even though I see myself as somewhat of a creative, it's a word that I really struggle to even say because I've never felt like a creative. Like it's I always felt like uh I wrote a journal entry about it where I was like, it's then you have to like commit. And with the commit, then like if you like, for instance, whenever I tell people I'm a poet, they're like, oh my gosh, let me hear a poem. Now I'm like, dang it. All I write about is like my internal feelings and like the really intense ones. That's that's a lot for me right now. I don't really feel like doing that. Um, not that I gotta be out here dropping poems like whenever I feel like it, but still, like I don't it's the feeling of anytime I tell someone I do something, they're like, oh my gosh, let me see. And I'm like, dang it, now you have to see me. Like, I didn't want you to see me, I just wanted you to hear what I do, like, please, whatever. But I told her I was just like, I kind of see myself as a creative, like I like creating things, and whether that's like poems, short stories. I just like to see the beauty in small everyday things, and I really sat with myself for a minute after the conversation because I was like, you really first time you've ever told anybody that you're a creative. Like it was I had to I had to really sit with the word because even though I've always even though that's always been what I've leaned a lot more towards and what I'm a lot more passionate about, um well I'm not gonna say that I'm very passionate about like my advocacy work, which is why I like to weave my creative. I try to make advocacy as creative as I can, if that makes sense. Um but I think an imposter syndrome with the creative part of me, like I said, I didn't really want to be seen. Because when you tell people you do stuff, then they're gonna be like, oh my gosh, let me see. Now I have to tell you my business, and I wasn't mentally prepared to like say a spoken, like a spoken word right now, and I have to go try to find the best one. And when I write, a lot of what I write is very vulnerable. Like, I'm not one of those people where like I I've tried doing the writing something surface level, so it's like let me show them this. But then there's a part of me that's like that's not even you showing them like you, because you're not talking about the things that you really want to talk about. Um, which in like being creative, it's literally about just creating, like, you don't have to, there's no right or wrong answer. But I think for me, it was a lot of that feeling of after I share, it's like I think every poem and short story to me is like a little a little piece of like a glimpse into my mind, if that makes sense, and like who I am and what did I think. And so in the imposter syndrome side of it, I don't even like I can I can do getting in front of people and speaking. I don't really like it in general, if I'm gonna be honest. Um, but like when it comes down to my poems and stuff, I really don't like it. Because like not only, not only are you now hearing my business, but you're hearing it out of my mouth instead of reading it off the page yourself is getting way too intimate. I don't really like that. Um, and I realize like, Brue, you're gonna have to work on that because people can't see you if you're not allowing yourself to be seen, but more than that, there's probably somebody that can really resonate with what you're saying if you would just say it loud enough for them to actually hear it. There's that, and I think on the other side of imposter syndrome for me, in like the academic space, is I recently came to the realization that I don't really see myself the way that other people see me. Um, which of course is granted, people typically don't see themselves how other people see them because you know you internally, people tend to know you externally, and even like close friends, they know you, but they don't they don't know like your inner monologue, like you, um, the way that you have a relationship with you. And I feel like in academia, I really struggled with even this idea of like imposter syndrome and seeing it in myself and how it showed up in my life because oftentimes I felt like you know, I show up, I do my thing, whatever. But whenever I would feel the most unsettled, it would it would typically be in situations where I felt like I gave it the best I could get it. And it still wasn't enough. And when I say enough, it's funny how for me at least, and I can definitely speak of it like our college experience. Maybe because I'm a Capricorn, anyways, but sometimes you can get so caught up in the the motion of things, the constant going of things, that it's like you don't even really realize what all you've done until you really sit and look back on it. But I think for me, since I was going and going and going, I never really had time to really look, to turn around and really just look at everything because I was kind of just doing my thing, like I wasn't really, I wasn't really thinking too much about it. I was kind of just like, okay, let me I'm passionate about this, let me try this out, let me go over here and talk to them. I think this would be cool, let me do this, and I would allow situations where let me find the words I would be in situations where the simple fact that I was the simple fact that I was here or like that I'm present or that I'm experiencing or that I am here the simple fact that this is happening is already great, but I think there would be a lot of times where I would feel like I'm trying to find the words I'm not gonna say I would feel like because I wasn't chosen that it was like everything I did just wasn't enough. I think it was more so there gets to the points where you get tired of everybody giving you a motivational speech when all you need is a hug. Or you get tired of continuously giving it your all to still be told that your all wasn't quite enough for you to make it over the finish line, if that makes sense. And in college, for me, it was a lot of those moments, like it was a lot of times because I think a lot of times people see when you get something way more than the amount of rejections. I had this professor in college, y'all. And this is why I always tell people to like major minor and stuff that has nothing to do with your major, because whenever your major makes you mad, you could just go to your minor and have a great time. That was me. Political science, major, minors, journalism, creative writing, African American studies. Political science, especially, I'm not even gonna get, especially given like political climate, where I am, whatever, political science would always overwhelm me bad. And then I would just go into creative writing, and my my professors would always be so like full of whimsy. They would like breathe life into me again. I was just like, oh my gosh, let's go frolic and look at plants and write stories about random people we saw on Walmart. Like it was, it would just be so random, but it would be like the perfect thing that I needed to like get me out of my head, if that makes sense. And I had this professor, she would joke, she's just like, yeah, I forgot what she called it. I think it was like the Hundred Rejections Club. And she was like, Yeah, hit me up when you finally get to 100 rejections because you're finally cool enough to be in my club. And I um after like taking her class, I had to like shift the way that I looked at rejection because rejection, of course, is redirection. And coming out of senior year college, I was a semifinalist for like the Fulbright, and then I was rejected for boring. But to know me and to know my story with like national scholarships, y'all, they kicked my butt every single time. Like the process for me was always very difficult because, like I said, even my resume, I'm not gonna say it's all over the place, but I've done a lot of things, and a lot of times, I get me, I make perfect sense to me. It may be a little all over the place of other people, but to me, I'm my business. Like, as long as I'm happy, I don't really you could just look at it and try to make sense of it. It makes perfect sense to me. I know I'm walking in my purpose, I know what I'm here to do. And following that, I've talked a lot about how like I got a job and I ended up like moving and I was doing civic engagement work. And I will always have like this little, it would be like a little note that I would carry with me. It was like my saying, like, especially for the last nine months or so, it's been like, well, rejection is redirection, like rejection is redirection, and I think I've finally gotten to a point to where lessons catch up because I think I think a lot of times, especially being like a young black woman, elders say stuff to you, but I I think when they say phrasings and things, they don't really give context, and I think they don't give context because the context comes with experience in life, and you have to like once they give you the saying, typically by the time you start. To say the same, you understand why you're saying the same, and for me, I just I feel like I would get so wrapped up in mund mundane. Is that the word? That's the word today. I would get wrapped up in stuff that didn't matter, like stuff that really wasn't even as it just wasn't. And I think for me, especially when I would reflect over like experiences and be like, so I just did all of that, it's nothing. But then I remember that like when you were senior high school, you were racking your brain trying to figure out how you would even get to where you got to. And now you're here and I guess I really just started to understand that everything was for a reason. Even if it didn't make sense then. Because then I started to look back over experiences and be like, Brie, would you have even enjoyed this? And when I started to do that, it was just like wow, like you it felt some type of way when it happened, but do you really even think you would have enjoyed ABCD fill in a blank? And I think it really shifted the way that I looked at situations because I think when ego gets in a way, it's really hard to see the truth in things or to see it objectively. Trying to figure out like the words because a lot of times when I get on the mic, things are like ideas and concepts, and I have thought about it, but I kind of free flow on the mic so that I can be in the moment and I can be as like vulnerable and transparent as I can be. But I do know I wrote in my journal after a conversation with a friend, and I think I've mentioned this before, where we were having a brief conversation, she was talking to me about an experience where she was just like, Oh my gosh, I really hope that like I hope I don't see this person, I hope I don't see this person, and the person popped up. And I feel like this connects back to like what I was saying because another thing I've learned these past couple of months is worrying is a form of manifestation. And I I used to wonder why my dad would just be like, Stop worrying. Like he'll call me throughout college, he'll like randomly call me, be like, stop worrying. I'll be like, I'm not even worrying about nothing. He'll be like, so just stop worrying. I'm like, okay, whatever. And I would just go on about my day, not realizing that now that I'm where I am now, like worrying is a form of manifestation, and the things that you put your energy towards matter, and your energy matters, and your your thoughts matter, your words matter, your energy matters because it's what you're giving it to. And I think for me, I realized how many like situations where the energy that I was putting into it was worrying, or even in not saying that emotions, like you have to like feel one emotion, but I think a lot of times I'll feel some type of way about stuff that when I would really, when I would reflect back over it as time passed, I was like, it really wasn't even that big of a deal. Like you're such a drama queen, um, which I am, and I always give I'm always giving myself the space to be a drama queen, and I'm always gonna cry. One thing about me, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna be very dramatic about it. Definitely gonna mention it in therapy. Um, but after I come to my conclusion, I can move forward, but like I just I gotta go through the emotions of it first, and I really just realized how much of my energy that I was putting into things that did not matter, like so, and it made me think about like in Olivia Dean's song, So Easy to Fall in Love With Me, in the line where she's like, it of course when she was talking, it was about love, but she was just like, Yeah, now that we know that that dream is not coming true, there's room for something new. And I was riding in the car the other day and I heard the line, and it wasn't the other day, because I was still in Jackson, it was probably like two, three weeks ago. Yes, at least like two, three weeks ago, and she said the line because I was just blasting music, and I paused the whole song and I rewinded it back because it's like, wow, you're so right. Like that didn't happen. There's nothing but space, time, and opportunity in life. As long as you got life, you got another day. And as long as you got another day, who knows what can happen in that other day? It's really all you need for real. I don't know. It really just made me change the way I looked at a lot, a lot of things. I think that now I just try my hardest to, I'm not gonna say try my hardest. Someone told me to stop saying I try and start to say I be. Because I just be and I like that. She was on to something. Um, but I really sit with things now, and I do. Whenever I catch myself like stressing, I'm just like, why are you you've had bigger problems and they've gotten solved. Like you've you've had much bigger issues with much like way more unexpected solutions. I would say this this past like two months for me, two, three months have been like a whirlwind because I felt like I started to believe in myself for real. And when I say for real, I mean like for real, for real. Not like the let me make a pose, let me like, I believe in myself. Like, no, like when I started to like hardcore like believe in myself, like really invest in myself, really sit with myself, unpack things, ask myself, why do I feel a certain way about myself, about certain things, I really just started to realize how much energy I was wasting on things that didn't deserve it. And I feel like two things that are like invaluable is time and your energy because once you give it, you can't really get that back, and so it's really important to just be intentional with the way that you show up, not only for like others, but for yourself, and yeah, I think I did like a mini-spoken word about like imposter syndrome when I was trying to figure out how I felt about it. One of the main things that I said was I really struggle with the word imposter syndrome because to lean into the phrase either feels like admitting that I feel like an imposter, and a lot of times I don't really know what I am at all, actually. I'm just here. Then I realize that you're 23, that's exactly what you're supposed to be. Nobody at 23 really really knows, like they just existed too, so it it really brought me some comfort because I was like, You're 23, you're not really supposed to know. Um, relax, calm down. You're literally just getting started, you having a thing, but time and energy as long as you pour it into the right places, and so that's my yap session. I really wish that I could like tie it together with a bow. That's what I have for you today. These past 13 days have been hectic. You want to know how you know they've been hectic? Because typically I record my podcast at least like a week or a couple of days in advance. Y'all getting this the night before. So, but I had to stay consistent because I've been on myself about consistency and discipline, but also because I felt myself kind of shuffling away from the space, and I really just wanted to challenge myself to show up in the way that I know that I can, um, especially in being honest, so moving forward, I will become more comfortable calling myself a creative because that's where I am, and actually sharing what I write because I can't just keep all of these dramas to myself, and accepting that career-wise, I may be one of those people that just gotta mix, match, and figure that out, and what I want that to look like, and that's exciting because there's room for opportunity in a blank canvas that I get to create the picture with, and it'll look however I want it to look, and that's super exciting. And so if you made it this far, water a plant, go touch some grass, go to a park, pause say affirmation for something that you're grateful for, and thanks for joining me today. I'll see you in the next one.