don’t be afraid to fly

In this episode, I talk about my experience trying to regulate and live with  nerves/anxiety. I spent a lot of time trying to deal with it rather than live with it and learn to coexist with myself. I truly believe that connecting with your emotions is a form of connecting to your higher self, which allows you to walk in your purpose. 

What is something that you’re living with that you used to think was a hindrance but was actually your superpower?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey, how y'all doing? This is your girl Brianna, and this is the Divine Intervention Podcast, where I try my best to make space and learn how to take up that space. I'm here today, and I really want to talk about not being afraid to fly. And I think the best way to start this episode is to connect it to how ever since I was younger, I really struggle with my nerves and anxiety and just controlling. I have very shaky hands. And notice that I use the word controlling because I feel like for so long I viewed my nerves as a hindrance. And I always thought that once I got my nerves under control, that I would be able to enjoy things and I would be able to experience. And I think over time I learned and I realized that my nerves were my personal way of connecting with myself. And for so long I saw them, or myself rather, because my nerves are part of me. I saw it as something that I almost had to deal with. And I think that over time I noticed how that showed up in the other ways that I interacted in other areas of my life. And I feel like when you view things as something that you have to deal with instead of something that you have to live with, it really hinders the way that you allow yourself to experience things. And with my nerves, I feel like over time I learned that they really connected me to me, and that it was almost like my superpower, it was a streamlined way for me to know when something is going on with me. I think that for I don't know how it is for other people because I don't know how to live my life in this body, so I can all speak with me. But for so long, the the reason why I struggled with my nerves for so long was because I wore my emotions on my sleeve. It was literally like the phrase someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I literally would wear my emotions like on my hands or like on my body, and it shows up and it's very visible. And so I'm the type of person where I literally cannot make myself do anything. Like that's just me and like the art of trying to make myself do something, or like I've never been that type of person because it kind of shows up on my body, it shows up in my nerves. And when I get too worked up, I can't, I don't even want to use the word control because when I relax, I don't feel like I'm in control. I feel like I'm just allowing myself to exist in a way where I'm not constantly trying to combat something that is very natural for me. And I guess over time, as I got older, I started to realize that my nerves also connected me to my sensitivity. I'm a very sensitive person. I get very emotional. One thing about me is I'm gonna cry. Um, but I'd rather get it out than hold it in. And when I was mapping out this episode, I think that in all of this, to me, my nerves connected me back to my humanity and me as a person and my sensitivity, and it was like a constant reminder. I guess that everyone has something that they have to live with and coexist with. I see it as very spirit spiritual, I see it as very mental, I see it as a way of I don't know if course correction is good words, but to me, my nerves were a way of letting me know that there's something wrong. Like you're not okay, and either you sit down and you calm yourself down and you figure out what's wrong, or y'all just gonna have to duke it out. And I hate to break it to you, but the nerves is going in, so you might as well just listen to yourself, and I think that I really struggle with my nerves because I felt like growing up, especially being in a Delta, I felt, and I'm using I because this is my experience, and there may be people that you know you don't feel the same way, but to me, I felt like the culture in and of itself focused on like being tough, like being rough, being tough, being a little bit more hardened and being able to take a lick, give a lick back. I'm very much, I don't want to have to give lick. I'm the type of person I really don't understand why I would choose to be meaningful if I could rather be nice, and I really don't understand why. Like I'm naturally just the type of person where I was just very sensitive. And it made navigating growing up kind of difficult because I always felt like I was too much, like I felt like my emotions were too heavy. I felt like my nerves were like walking around with my emotions on my sleeve. It made me feel very vulnerable, and so over time I feel like I was trying to learn how to control rather than live with them, and the problem with that is like I said earlier, I've I've come to see all of it as a way of me listening to myself and connecting with my higher self and seeing if I'm on the right path. But I honestly think it's also just something that allowed me to relate more to other people. Cause I guess the way that I look at it is my thing that I have to live with and coexist with is my nerves, but for other people, there's so many other things. Everybody has their thing that they feel like they're trying to operate through life and navigate life with, and I guess in a way, it always just made me feel like that's all the more reason to be a little bit more nicer to people because you don't really know what their theme is, you don't know how their version of like what you struggle with shows up for them and how they navigate that. And I guess for me especially sitting in meditation, it always gave me a feeling of hope. And I guess because let me stop using the word guess, girl, you don't guess you know. I be working on like when I'm walking through my ideas and how I feel, affirming that I know what I'm talking about because you feel it and you journal about this stuff, so you do know. I think that there is a level of courage that it takes to live with something or exist with something, but also to live with other people, coexist with other people and understand that everybody has things that they're just trying to navigate this life coexisting with, and then also coexisting with other people. I guess for me, whenever I would get frustrated with people, it would make things a little bit easier to understand because at the end of the day, everybody's kind of just doing their thing, trying their best, and trying to coexist with whatever they feel like they got going on with themselves, inside themselves, and around themselves. But I also think that I had to learn how to live with my nerves rather than deal with them because and I wrote this small thing when I was in like Atlanta. I don't remember when in Atlanta, all I know is it says ATL beside it, so I'm gonna assume I was in Atlanta. Y'all, when I journal, when thoughts come up, I just put it on paper and I normally put a little marker by it. Sometimes I remember the reference, sometimes I don't. So I'm gonna say while I was in Atlanta. And I wrote a lot about just connecting to your higher self through your emotions, and how I feel like life in and of itself is just an experience of you learning that you're going through things, but things are not you, and feelings are fleeting and emotions are fleeting. I think when I was learning how to like live with my nerves, I had to remember that that the whatever was causing me to get worked up is because I wasn't allowing it to flow through. You're holding it instead of releasing it because you want to acknowledge it. And in my relationship with like my anxiety, or the anxiety rather, because it's not mine, I don't claim it as my own. I feel like it was learning that when you try to avoid, you are ultimately not listening to yourself, so you're kind of not learning the lessons that you were meant to learn because you're standing in the way of your own path. And I wrote that it takes courage to wear your most intimate desires on your sleeve, despite the world's unacceptance or rejection of who or what that is, or your perceived rejection. And I think I can take that back to what it felt like growing up and feeling so I felt like a little walking bottle of emotions, like and it was really hard for me to navigate it because I've always been the type of person where it shows up, it shows up across my face, it shows up in my body language, it shows up in the nerves. So it's like I really have to allow things to flow through me. I'm not the type of person that can hold it in. And I also think there's like a culture around the embarrassment of being connected with your emotions, like nobody wants to be the person that's always crying, nobody wants to be the person. Well, I want to be the person that's always happy. But I think with emotions in general, and I wanted to name the series Inside Out because it reminded me of the movie Inside Out. I love both of those movies. But anytime you think of specific emotions, there's always negative connotations. Like there's the person that's always angry, or people get annoyed when they're around somebody that's always happy, or people get annoyed when they're around someone who's like anxious, and I think that we're taught as people to navigate through life and the world, like we're not human, and I think that that definitely has to do with being able to connect with each other and feel empathy and feel love for each other, and I feel like when you block your emotions, you're blocking your ability to connect with yourself, and all that goes back to loving yourself and unconditional love and allowing yourself to be in the present. Because emotions are also one of those things that when you feel them, you feel them in the moment. They're very present, they kind of force you to be in your body rather than kind of just existing and going through the emotions in airplane mode. Like you really have to be paying attention and you have to be intentional, and that's really hard to do in today's time where everything is so fast-paced, and you're always doing something and you're always going. And yeah, I just think that in connecting with your emotions, it takes you back to your higher self, which also allows you to be able to connect with others, because I don't know, I'm my only 23. I don't got all the answers, but I think one of the things that I'm learning is that the ability to be able to have empathy for other people, to allow people to be, allow people to exist, but also allow yourself to be and allow yourself to exist, and being able to through that and with that connect with yourself, connect with your gift. What were you put here? What were you? What are you? Anyways, what you put here to do, and uh I think all of that kind of connects back to hope and just believing that everything that you're walking through, everything that you're learning to live with or coexist with is for a reason, and that you're guided even when you don't think you are. That was my little rant for the day. I'm truly hoping that the stream of consciousness makes sense and connects to someone. But I also wrote a little small poem one day that I wanted to share, and it says, the title is Personal Evolution, Super Schwartz. But it says, My soul cries, the voices of the ancestors rising, my form of resistance is refusing to allow my being to be consumed by anything other than my own fire. Whenever I'm discouraged about life and humanity, I remember how far I am from where I began. I'm not who I used to be, but her heart and soul still belongs with me. And I'm realizing that I'm both that girl and not her at the same time. The duality and who I know myself to be has changed. And so my hope for humanity remains, despite all the things that tried to convince me otherwise. Because without hope, what else could we have? Thanks for joining me. Go drink some water, water a plant, touch some grass, soak in the tub. Y'all, I done started soaking in the tub. That is lovely. With a good cup of tea before you go to sleep, oh yeah, I'll be in the game. I truly feel like enjoying life is just going back to doing all the things that you're you were convinced were like bor like was boring. Because journaling, gardening, soaking in the tub, and having a cup of coffee on the porch in the morning is magnificent. I personally feel like that makes life worth living. So, you know, go do one of those things and go be blessed. See y'all in the next one.