What If the Donor’s Kids Have No Idea You Exist

What happens when you discover a whole set of siblings who grew up in the donor’s home, but you are not sure they even know you exist

In part one, a simple birthday DNA kit rewrote everything Nick thought he knew about his identity. He learned he was donor conceived at thirty-six, discovered fourteen half siblings, and realized his parents had carried the truth for decades.

But nothing prepared him for what came next.

In this episode, Nick talks about the two siblings who were raised by the donor, and the complicated question that hangs over many donor conceived adults:

Do they know about us

And if they do not, should someone tell them

Part Two explores the unsettling space between biological connection and total silence, and what it means to live with questions you cannot safely or ethically answer.

Nick also shares how he transformed his experience into a book and a podcast, giving other donor conceived people a place to speak honestly, without shame or editing. His story is both deeply personal and universally familiar to anyone navigating DNA surprises.

What We Talk About

• What it feels like to discover donor raised siblings who may be unaware of you

• The ethics of reaching out when the consequences are unknown

• How donor conceived adults become detectives whether they want to or not

• The ongoing challenges of incomplete medical histories

• Writing as a way to process identity shifts

• Why Nick created a podcast for donor conceived voices

• How openness can protect mental and emotional health

• The growing need for reform and transparency in the fertility industry

• How music helped Nick work through identity questions

Takeaways

• Donor conceived people often live with unanswered questions that affect identity, medical decisions, and relationships

• The donor’s raised children may be unaware of their genetic siblings, creating an emotional and ethical dilemma

• Stories and conversation help break isolation and build community

• The fertility industry still offers little guidance to the adults created through these methods

• Honesty and visibility remain the strongest tools for change

Reflection Questions for Listeners

• How would you feel if you learned you had siblings who did not know you existed

• What responsibility, if any, do donor conceived people have toward the donor’s raised children

• What part of your story have you been afraid to speak out loud

• How might telling your truth change your relationships or your sense of self

Transcript

Corey 0:00

Hey there, it's Corey. Welcome back to Family Twist. If you missed part one of Nick's story, go treat yourself to that first because, wow. And you really won't know what's going on in this episode if you don't listen to that one first. Today you're gonna hear about Nick's book and podcast and stepping right into the role of gentle truth teller for donor conceived folks everywhere. We talk about the mystery siblings raised by the donor, the detective work all of us end up doing whether we want to or not, and why telling the truth out loud is sometimes the only way to survive it. Let's get back into it with Nick.

Nick 0:38

I've thought about all the ins and outs of all of this, and I forget if I mentioned, I actually I ended up writing a book about my story, and part of what I speculate on is like if I'm one of those two kids that the donor raised himself, and I knew that I had other half siblings out there, wouldn't I want to have direct access to that information myself via a DNA test rather than having to rely on, in my donor's case, an extended family member who is the one that happens to be connected to us on 23andMe? To me, like if I were in their shoes, the donor's children's shoes, I would want to take a test. So, like, I'm not relying on anyone else for this info. And to date, we're not connected to any of them.

Corey 1:32

How did they discover that you do have you know two half siblings that were raised by the donor?

Speaker 1:38

Well, once we discovered who the donor was, we were able to access his Facebook profile. At the time, there were Instagram pages that were available, and we just, you know, all DCPs become detectives once they figure out this part of them themselves. And in our case, we were just able to do some sleuthing and kind of put the pieces together.

Should We Tell Them? The Debate Over Contacting the Donor’s Children

Corey 2:00

Has anyone in your sibling group wanted to reach out to those half siblings just to, you know, just drop the bomb?

Can We Trust the Donor to Share Medical Information?

Speaker 2:09

I think all of us probably want to, but because we're unsure of their situation, we want to be respectful of their privacy and to not drop the bomb on them. It doesn't feel like it's our place to do so. That kind of feels like the donor and his wife's job. So yeah, with respect to to the children he raised, I don't think there's any real interest in doing that. That said, because I wrote a book and because there are writers in the donor's family, I have toyed with the idea of reaching out to the donor and saying, hey, like there's a book about what my experience was and what you helped to create. And yeah, I still haven't mustered up the courage to to reach out and share that with him. I have never had any direct correspondence with him. But part of me wants to let him know and give him the option. Like, I'm not gonna just mail him a copy of the book and have it on his, you know, show up on his doorstep. But I think I would like to at least tell him, like, hey, if if you are interested, and I don't need a response either, but if you are interested, this exists. Someone that you're biologically connected to, and maybe you want to read about what I went through in this process. His parents and grandparents, we are aware of the major health concerns that that we should have noted. But you're right, like in in the case of the donor's children, we don't know. And I guess at this point, the assumption, and I don't know if it's a safe one, but the assumption would be that because we are aware of who the donor is and he is aware of us, that if there was anything serious that we needed to be mindful of, that he would let us know. That's I think putting a lot of trust into someone that ultimately we don't know. You know, if there was information about a medical issue that we needed to know about, a trust that he would fill us in on that, just given the fact that we know who he is and he knows that. You know, I think I'm putting a little bit of faith into how I would expect the donor to to, you know, react and respond if this were the case. I think part of it also is like of the 14, there's 12 of us who were not raised by the donor. And we are all aware of each other as well. So if anyone has a medical issue that comes up, you know, there's there's open lines of communication there too, which if God forbid something were to happen and maybe it's unclear like what exactly the problem is or where it's coming from, I think that would kind of trigger a response and you know, reach out to the donor and say, hey, like we need you to shed some light on this. But knock on wood to date, nothing like that has happened, thankfully.

Corey 5:19

Nick, can you talk a little bit about why you decided to start a podcast and what the format is like?

How Writing a Book Became Nick’s Path to Healing

Why His Podcast Exists: Giving Donor Conceived People a Safe Place to Speak

Speaker 5:26

Sure. You know what? If you don't mind, I'll start with the book that I wrote. Okay. Because that's first, and then I'll shift quickly into the podcast. But the reason the book came to be was because of this whole idea that I've touched on. Like being open about what I was going through, not just me, but my family as well, that felt like it was the most healing approach to take. Was there might be pain along the way and there might be difficulty, but getting this all cleared out is what's ultimately gonna put us in the best position to go forward. So with that in mind, beyond just the conversations I was having with my family, I knew for myself, part of the healing process was to just write all of what I was feeling, you know, emotions and thoughts and all of that, write it down, just in like a journal form. It wasn't anything where I thought, oh, I'm gonna write a book right off the bat. I was just trying to use this as a therapeutic tool for what I was going through. And eventually I got to a point in my writing where I was like, wait a minute, I've got like 30,000 words here. Maybe I can flesh this out into something a little bit bigger. So that's ultimately what I did. And it turned into a full-fledged book, which I then put out earlier this year. Knowing how healing it was for me to express all of this in the most open and public of ways, I thought, how can I offer a path towards that same feeling of healing and therapy to other people? And that's where the podcast formed was if I could give people a platform to talk openly and in an unfiltered way about what they went through, I think that could not only provide healing for the individual themselves, but for the those who listen as well, to be able to relate and you know, almost find a support group and community through hearing these other stories. So I knew pretty early on that with the podcast, I always tell the guests this I'm like, the less I speak, the better. Because I want them to really tap into the deepest emotions that they felt and really just vent it all out in a raw and honest way. And, you know, I don't really do too much editing after the recording is done. I try my best to keep it as close to what the conversation actually was like as I can. Obviously, there are points where, if I'm saying little things that need to be cleaned up, I take that out. But ultimately, I just want to give space for people to talk about the things that a lot of the times they can't really talk about in their daily lives. There's a lot of obstacles for some people to get past that keep them from putting this stuff out openly. And I think if you're not doing that, it means you're pushing it down and suppressing it. To me, that has an energetic effect. I think it can affect your health. I think if you're not letting these things out in an appropriate way, then there can be negative consequences to that. So knowing how much stigma there is around donor conception and that it's not an easy thing for people to talk about, I wanted to be as gentle and as caring and empathetic towards the experiences of other people going through the same thing that I went through as I could be. And yeah, that's that's sort of the thinking behind the podcast. I think we're like 25 or 26 episodes into it at this point. And yeah, most of it is with donor-conceived people. Those are the episodes that everyone has access to. About a month or two ago, I began a subscribers episode where people can opt in to hear stories from donors, from myself. In the future, I want to speak with recipient parents and other therapists that have a focus on donor-conceived people. Really just trying to amplify the voices of people who are going through a process that we all know needs a lot of change, still, somehow today. So that's kind of the thinking behind it all.

No Competition Here: How More Voices Push the Fertility Industry Toward Change

Corey 10:02

Well, I think that's fantastic. I mean, we never feel like we've got rival podcasts out there. The community is getting bigger all the time, and there's room for all of us in the pool. Kudos to you for doing that because getting these voices out there is important. And podcasts like yours might actually help with legislation as well. Once the right people hear it and get it, changes need to be made.

Speaker 10:21

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, that's it's not necessarily the goal. It would be amazing to have legislative change come from something that, you know, this is just a project that for now I'm focusing on a little bit more. This was something I was doing in my spare time, beyond my full-time job. And you're right, like there's no such thing as a competitor podcast in this space because I think we all know what's needed most is louder voices and people who are speaking up on behalf of a group that doesn't have all of the rights that they deserve. Yeah, like the more the merrier here. I would love it if there were hundreds of podcasts around this stuff, because it just means the message is getting out there more and more. And also saving people from the struggles that many of us have dealt with. It's all about creating a brighter future for the people who are donor-conceived, because I don't think donor conception is going anywhere, but the way we go about it, especially on the anonymity side of things, like that can be changed and that can make it an easier path forward for people that are brought into the world this way.

Corey 11:35

Yeah, we, you know, when we started this podcast, you know, three and a half years ago, it was initially just a tell Kendall story. Like we wanted to get CNO, be able to get that out there. And then once we start having guests on, we were educated really quickly, you know, about things that are happening in the worlds of adoption and donor conception, etc. And, you know, I didn't know much at all about the fertility industry and like what we found out is horrifying. But again, yeah, it's being able to share these voices and share people's stories, and that's why we welcome donors, we welcome donor-conceived people, recipients, all of it.

Speaker 12:14

There's a lot of different ways that you can look at the way that this process plays out. I think the donor-conceived person is the prioritized view because we are the affected people. Yes. But I think it's also important to hear from all those other people that are part of the journey. And that typically means donors and recipient parents and really anyone that's connected to this. We really don't know how big the communities are, and I'm sure they're bigger than we think. Totally. And it's international too. Like this is a worldwide phenomenon. So yeah, I think we're still maybe in the awareness stage and trying to explain to people like what donor conception actually is. But I think we're approaching a point where this is almost it might not be common knowledge, but like everyone is gonna be connected to somebody that's gone through this friend, a family member, or a friend of a friend. Um, they just don't know it yet. And I think any parent that's gone through this and hasn't shared the truth, they gotta muster up the courage and address the truth. You know, I think it's understandable why they may have taken the path of not sharing this, especially when you're decades into keeping this suppressed, but there's no looking away from it anymore. And yeah, that's something that I think a lot of us in the DCP community are thankful to the DNA companies for exposing. Because without them, I probably still wouldn't know the truth. Many of us wouldn't know the truth. So to me, that should have been the tipping point for a lot of parents who once you realize that the answers are available, it's better that they come from you rather than, you know, a corporation.

Corey 14:11

So, Nick, what we've been doing recently for our final question of the episode is asking about it, and specifically, I think, for you, like, was there a musical artist or a song that you leaned on while you were writing the book that kind of helps you through the challenging times?

Speaker 14:27

That's a really good question. I'm glad you asked that because the book chapters, the titles of the chapters in part one are all song titles of songs that come from artists that have had a special place in my heart for my entire life. So I guess to identify a few of them, David Bowie has always been a very present artist in my life. I find I can't really go too long without putting his music on. And I think when it comes to being donor-conceived, it's maybe not so surprising that he's one of the artists that first come to mind because over the course of his career, he changed his identity in so many different ways. And I think DCPs can probably relate to that in having to kind of reintroduce themselves and you know kind of let people know that part of their identity isn't exactly what they thought it was. Tom Petty was also a pretty big influential artist growing up for me. I think his songs are pretty timeless. And then of the more modern acts, I really, really love the band Spoon. They're kind of like an indie rock band that's been around since the late 90s, and for some reason, their songs have always stuck with me. The one that I reference in the book is called The Ghost of You Lingers, which is tied to the chapter that's related to the donor. And I just kind of found that to be an appropriate title because, you know, there's this element of me that is unknown and it's always around, and I can't see it, but it's there and it's a part of who I am, and trying to understand what those things are is really what a big part of my life is now. But I love that you asked that because music is such a it's a tool for healing for me. I mean, I've been to I can't even count how many concerts I've been to over the course of my life. It's in the four or five hundreds. Part of what I find so healing myself is like going out dancing. So music is always present in my life. And I think that's that is a medicine for many of us as we try to process these difficult emotions. Music can really be helpful with that. So thank you for asking that question. I think you should keep asking that.

Corey 17:06

Absolutely no, and thank you for the great answer. Like we're the same. I mean, music is a constant for us, and we don't go to concerts as much anymore because we're getting to be old codgers. But like when Kendall and I first got together, I mean, we were probably going at least once a week, you know. Yeah. And especially when we lived in the Bay Area, I mean, there were so many great venues there. I actually was at Tom Petty's second to last concert before he passed. And it was probably my favorite. Well, it's hard to say because we've been to quite a few Tom Petty shows, but it's definitely it had to be in the top two just because the set list was perfect. Like I wouldn't have changed a thing. And it was at the Greek in Berkeley, so a really cool, intimate venue. And yeah, I was pretty crushed when we lost Tom, but I lean on his music a lot still.

Speaker 17:50

Yeah. It cuts to the heart. It really his music, the songs are so simple, but they are it's just the perfect combination of songwriting and beautiful lyrics. There's something special about him. And I lived in New York City for about 11 years, and when he came to Forest Hill Stadium for what would have been his last New York show, I was like, I'll catch him next time. And every time I think of that, I'm like, oh man, I really messed that one up. But thankful to say I did see him. It was one of the best shows that I ever saw. I wish I got one more, one more gig out of it. But yeah, his music lives on forever.

Corey 18:29

Yeah, no, definitely the Tom Petty channel on Sirius is one that's in regular rotation. Yeah. Well, Nick, we really appreciate what you're doing. We'll definitely share links to your podcast and the book in our show notes. And yeah, just stop keep fighting the good fight.

Speaker 18:45

Thank you guys. Yeah, I appreciate you first off creating the space for people like me to come on and tell their stories. And I thank you for actually inviting me on the show. I really feel like I've told my story so many times, but it still never gets old. And I think just getting my and every other donor-conceived person's story out there on as many outlets as we can, that's the way that we'll shift out of that awareness stage and actually go into a place where real change can take place. So thank you guys. It was nice meeting you both. I appreciate your time.

Corey 19:26

That was part two with Nick, and we just love how he turned his story into something bigger than the shock that started it. A book, a podcast, and a whole lot of honesty. That takes guts. If you heard something today that feels a little close to home, we'd love to hear from you. Your story matters, and even if you think it's small, even if you think it's messy, even if you're still figuring it out, reach out to us because you never know who needs to hear what you've been holding. And if you know someone who might connect with mixed experience, please pass this episode along. Sharing these conversations is how people find community. In the middle of a Twitter They never asked for. Until next time, this is Family Twist, where Family Secrets are the ultimate plot twist. The Family Twist Podcast is produced by How the Cow Ate the Cabbage LLC and presented by Savoie Fair Marketing Communications.