One Test. Two Brothers. Two Different Truths.

What if a simple birthday gift revealed a secret your parents had been carrying for more than three decades?

For his 36th birthday, Nick’s siblings gave him a 23andMe kit. It seemed like a fun way to learn more about his ancestry, until his parents sat him down with a truth that changed everything. Nick discovered that he was donor conceived, while his brother was not.

In this first part of Nick’s story, he shares what it felt like to have the truth land without warning, why he chose compassion instead of anger, and how this discovery ultimately strengthened his relationship with the father who raised him.

Nick also explains the fertility practices of the 1980s, including sperm washing and sperm mixing, and how secrecy became standard procedure for families like his.

And when his test results came back, the surprises were just beginning.

One Test. Two Brothers. Two Different Truths.

What We Talk About

• How a DNA test transformed a birthday gift into a life-changing discovery
• The moment Nick’s parents told him the truth about his conception
• How secrecy was encouraged in fertility medicine during the 1980s
• The emotional impact of realizing your family story is incomplete
• Why Nick’s empathy toward his parents shaped their healing
• The mix of gratitude and confusion that comes with learning you are donor conceived
• The unregulated side of the fertility industry and its lasting effects
• Discovering 14 half-siblings, including two raised by the donor
• Finding a new sense of identity and belonging after a DNA surprise

Key Quotes

It was the shock of my life. I did not see it coming whatsoever.

I could see the fear in my parents’ eyes, and I just wanted to make sure they were okay.

When I found out I was donor conceived, it didn’t break our relationship. It made it stronger.

Doctors told them, ‘Don’t ever say anything. There’s no way this will ever come out.’

Takeaways

• DNA tests can reveal truths that change entire family narratives.
• Secrets meant to protect can create years of emotional weight.
• Empathy and openness can lead to unexpected healing.
• The fertility industry’s lack of oversight has left many families without answers.
• Understanding your origins can strengthen, not destroy, family connections.

Reflection Questions for Listeners

• How would you respond if you learned your family story wasn’t what you thought?
• What might honesty bring to a family that has held on to a secret for years?
• How do we redefine family when biology and identity diverge?
• What does compassion look like in moments of shock or betrayal?

Transcript

A Birthday DNA Gift And A Life-Changing Donor Conceived Reveal

Corey 0:00

Hey there and welcome back to Family Twist. I'm Cory, and today's story starts with a birthday gift that came with a really big surprise. Nick turned 36, and his siblings decided to give him one of those 23andMe DNA kits. You know the kind that's supposed to tell you that you're 3% Viking or related to somebody who maybe once waved at George Washington. Instead, he told Nick something his parents had kept secret his entire life. That he's donor-conceived. Now, his two younger siblings. Same parents, same household, aren't donor-conceived. But there's a twist there as well. Nick's parents carried their secret for decades, convinced by doctors back in the 80s that no one would ever find out, or need to find out. So when they finally told him, they expected anger, confusion, and maybe even rejection. But Nick surprised them. He stayed calm, he led with empathy. In the first part of Nick's story, he walks us through that moment. What it's like to have the truth land like a meteor in the middle of your life, and how he managed to turn shocking into understanding. We'll talk sperm washing, sperm mixing, and the unregulated chaos that was the fertility industry back then. And, spoiler alert, still that way. So just wait to hear what his DNA results uncovered, because 14 half siblings later, the plot is just starting to thicken. Okay, let's talk to Nick. Hey Nick, welcome to the Family Twist Podcast.

Nick 1:33

Thank you guys for having me. Nice meeting you both.

Corey 1:36

Thank you. Nice to meet you as well, yeah. So we mentioned to you before we started recording that Kendall and I don't like to know too much about someone's story before we do these interviews. It's just we found out kind of the hard way that's like if we know too much, it's just the real factor isn't there. So I mean, we know a little bit about you, but you discovered you were donor-conceived at 36. Is that correct?

Nick’s First Reaction, Staying Calm When Your Parents Drop A DNA Surprise

Nick 1:58

That's correct. Yeah. So I'm 38 now. So this was a little over two and a half years ago. And you know, like many other donor-conceived people, it it was the shock of my life. I did not see it coming whatsoever. And the way this all kind of came about was it was my 36th birthday, and my two younger siblings got me a 23ME testing kit as a gift. And I had, I guess, expressed light interest in like understanding my ancestry, you know, years before getting this as a gift. I never was like, oh, I gotta know more about you know where I come from and all that. But it had been brought up, you know, a couple times, and I had said, yeah, that would be kind of cool. So at this point in my life, my two younger siblings take it upon themselves to get this for me. And when they do, they let I think it was my brother who let my mom know that they were planning to give this to me. And in that moment, she just froze. My brother kind of recalls her almost like going white, like turning into a ghost almost. My parents, I guess, behind the scenes discussed what was about to happen and that I was going to get this gift, and said, you know what? Before Nick received this, we have to talk to him. We have to sit him down. This actually applied to my brother as well, because he was conceived in the same fashion. So, which back in the late 80s, the way that this all went down was through sperm washing and then sperm mixing. So, because of that mixing factor, I guess my parents had convinced themselves that there was the possibility that both I and my brother could be connected to our dad who raised us. Jumping ahead a little bit, it turns out my brother is actually biologically connected to our dad. So I think he sort of defied the odds in some ways. But needless to say, the conversations were had with both me and my brother separately with our parents. And the way they kind of expressed this was like I just said, they said there's a possibility. And my first thought when I got this news from my parents, and I could see the fear in them as we were having this conversation because they had no idea how it was going to react. Was first off, this doesn't change anything in terms of our relationship. Obviously, there's potential for it to change how I'm connected biologically or not connected, but then I thought, how do you guys feel? For some reason, I put the focus on them because I knew that at 36 years old, they had been carrying this for my entire life. Knowing that I think a lot of donor-conceived people, their parents know for sure that the child is donor-conceived. In my parents' case, they held out hope. But they were still carrying this nonetheless and suppressing a very huge piece of information for my entire life. And I think after they saw that, you know, they had just dropped this bomb. And even in the earliest moments, despite being extremely confused, I was still accepting of what they were telling me. I could see just how much relief that provided them to know that I didn't storm out or anything. I didn't throw a hissy fit, and is for many don't or conceive people, but for me, I didn't really feel I didn't feel anger. And I'm still trying to figure out like exactly why that wasn't present. I've kind of come up with some answers to that. A lot of it has to do with the way I was raised. My parents, you know, they have a very loving marriage, they're still married today. You know, I really respected and admired the way they parented, both me and my two siblings. And that kind of outweighed any potential negatively charged emotions that I could have felt. So, yeah, it was this heavy conversation that we had. And afterwards, I remember going upstairs and calling my brother. He had a similar conversation with my parents and just checking in with him and saying, like, hey, are you okay? Like, this is pretty crazy. Just, you know, asking how he was feeling. And I don't really recall exactly much of that conversation because it was this was right after the news had been dropped on us. So like it's quite blurry in my memory to think back on like what we actually said. But it was just the two of us kind of checking in and and figuring out, all right, we're okay, but like, what does the path forward look like now? Because we still hadn't taken the tests. So part of it was almost like answering that question, like, do we take the test? And I remember the next morning just so clearly being like, Of course I'm taking the test. Like, I have to know all of the information I can get my hands on. And my brother, for mostly for medical reasons, because he had had a newborn at that time, was very clearly leaning towards taking the test. But I remember discussing with my parents like my decision and that I needed to know know the results. And my mom, she kind of was in the position of like, well, the cat's out of the bag now. Like, what are we just gonna pretend like this isn't real? Like, do what you gotta do. My dad, on the other hand, expressed that he didn't feel he even needed to know the results, almost saying, if you take the test, like don't tell me. And I thought, yeah, and I thought, I am taking the test, I am getting these answers, and there's no way I can keep that from you. Like part of how we got here is that there was this truth in the air that was never revealed, and if I get more answers towards what the truth actually is, like I'm not gonna follow that same path of just like suppressing it and keeping it on the inside, like we're gonna talk about it. Yeah, I mean, that was a very clear path forward for me. Like, I knew like this is my story now, and not that I want to dictate how it goes forward, but like the ball's in my hands now, essentially, and we can either figure out how to move forward together, or I'm gonna do it on my own. And thankfully, it wasn't the easiest path towards getting to the point we're at now where we're all completely open about it, but little by little, that was the only way. And my dad's initial resistance, I think was based on the unknowing of when these results come back, if we are indeed not biologically connected, is that going to have a negative impact on our relationship? And I think he had a lot of fear around that. And the reality was when the results came back, and I find out I'm donor-conceived, it actually strengthened our relationship because I became more grateful for the sacrifices and the selflessness that this whole process when I was being conceived came with.

Corey 9:59

Before we dig into the results, just for some context, because you mentioned one of your siblings also went through the similar process. Is it your youngest sibling been was the youngest sibling conceived the old-fashioned way?

Nick 10:12

So I have a younger brother, he's the one that was conceived in the same fashion I was, and then I have a younger biological sister, they're non-binary, but they were conceived naturally.

Corey 10:26

Um in that conversation with your parents, did they explain the circumstances as to why they would even have to go the potential for doing conception?

Choosing To Take The DNA Test Anyway, Even When Dad Does Not Want To Know

Nick 10:37

Yeah, and more of that came to light as time went on. But I had always known that it had taken a while for my parents to conceive. Like they were, you know, it wasn't something they talked about, but there were mentions of that growing up, that like it took them six or seven years. I'd later come to find out that they were considering adoption at one point. They explored adopting a child from South Korea, but like that didn't quite work with my dad's work schedule. The only answer in the end for them was donor conception. So they wanted to have a child so badly but couldn't do it naturally. That's ultimately what they settled on. Which, yeah, I mean, I know through talking to other donor-conceived people that there's a lot of flaws and you know, just the unregulated industry that we come from really creates an environment where we don't really have justice and like have access to all the information that I think we rightly deserve. So, you know, there's a lot of things that could be said in terms of like parents back then sort of ignoring or not being mindful of the struggle that could come from this. But right, this is what my parents chose. And I'm thankful. I'm thank it's why I'm here, and I choose to see the positives in it despite knowing how, you know, for lack of a better phrase, like messed up the whole fertility industry is.

Corey 12:15

Right. And and we totally understand the mindset of people who are like, you know, desperate to have a child, and and there's you know, they can't do it the old-fashioned way. And you know, it's kind of like you're wearing horse flyers at that point. You're not really not thinking about like medical history and all this stuff, you're just thinking about, you know, we want to have a baby. Yeah. And, you know, we st uh it's not common knowledge that the fertility industry is so messed up. You know, it's starting to come to light a little bit, that legislation is slowly starting to happen. But it's, you know, most people had don't have any idea. They just think like, oh, okay, well, great. That was a baby. I don't think we've ever really touched on, and Kemble, correct me if I'm wrong, on sperm washing slash sperm mixing. Can you just kind of talk a little bit about the process and and how it was explained to your parents?

Nick 13:03

Yeah, so sperm washing, and again, I am just going based off of what my parents said and the little bit of Googling that I did afterwards. Sperm washing, I suppose if it's even a process still done today, I don't know, would extract the strongest sperm from my dad. And then the sperm mixing aspect is taking those stronger sperm and blending them together with donor sperm. So it gives the parents, again, the hope, but in my brother's case, the reality that the child can still be related biologically to the father.

Corey 13:38

Yeah, we're definitely gonna have to do some research. I'm just kind of curious about statistics as to how how frequently, you know. That's such a that's just such a bizarre thing to think about. Like, all right, let's mix your strongest sperm with this guy's strongest for C Fly.

Nick 13:52

Right, right. Yeah. So that's the process that my parents opted for. And I think one of the biggest things that I wanted to figure out through all of this was, and again, many DCPs can relate to this, is why didn't my parents tell me? And a big part of why I've accepted the fact that they didn't tell me was because doctors, people who, you know, back in the day, you would trust pretty much anything a doctor said. I think we have lost that a little bit these days. But back then, if a doctor told you you never have to worry about this, like don't say anything, there's no way that this can be uncovered, chances are the parents are going to listen to that. And it was really only until these DNA testing companies were starting to become more prevalent that my parents started having conversations with each other, saying, wait a minute, like there may come a day where we need to address this. If a doctor you know, doctors told my parents don't say anything, and they took that advice. And it I think it's unfair to judge decisions from the past with the information that we have today.

Corey 15:17

So Absolutely, yeah. No, we're not we don't want to cast blame on on parents at all, you know, in these types of circumstances now. Um the people in the industry, on the other hand, I mean they knew that some of the stuff they were doing was probably not very cool.

Kendall 15:33

Right.

Nick 15:34

Uh, what's the age difference between you and your brother? I am two years and two months older than him. You know, did they use the same donor with him? I actually don't know. I think the answer is no, but I'm not sure. I'm not positive.

Corey 15:50

Sure.

Nick 15:50

Okay.

Corey 15:51

I'm just curious, and yeah, you would have been too young probably to be even asking questions and stuff, like if they were going to back to the same clinic or whatever, you know, you're just a little not even too.

Nick 16:01

Yeah. But no, that's a really fair question that actually I think I'm gonna ask my parents this now because I talk to a lot of people who, you know, their parents felt it was important that they use the same donor for multiple children that they have, just so there's that commonality. And yeah, I never thought of that. I gotta ask my parents that now.

Kendall 16:23

Okay. Yeah.

Corey 16:24

And the stories we've heard about them nickel and diming people too, like, oh, well, this is an add-on if you want to know this. It's like, oh my gosh.

Nick 16:30

It's just it seems cruel to me. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like late-stage capitalism at its grossest.

Corey 16:36

Absolutely.

What Is Sperm Washing And Sperm Mixing, And How It Shaped Nick’s Story

Nick 16:37

You take the test, and your brother, did he take a test as well? He took the test about a week in advance of me. So he gets his results back, and they end up being somewhat inconclusive, which prompted him to take a direct one-on-one paternity test with our dad, which then showed that they are biologically connected. My test came through about a week later, and during the lead up time to getting the results, you know, my brother and I are having conversations almost on a daily basis. I'm talking to my parents pretty regularly about all of this, like really trying to establish that like being open no matter what is the way to go. And I had sort of settled on the likelihood that my dad and I were not biologically connected. And really the main reason for that is physically we don't look much alike. I mean, you guys can see I have a pretty thick beard and dark hair. My dad is blonde hair, blue eyes, can't really grow a beard. Yeah, there's a number of like physical attributes that are just different. And beyond that, our personalities have some differences as well. So, yeah, I almost felt uh I don't know, like spiritually, I was like, there's a good chance we're not connected. And I was okay with that. What I wasn't quite prepared for when my results came back was seeing what my ancestry composition actually consisted of, and then checking out the family tree. I grew up thinking I was half Irish, a quarter Italian, a quarter German. I get the results back, and at the very top it says I'm almost 50% Ashkenazi Jewish, which right away I was like, what? Didn't see that one coming at all. And then I very quickly thought back on my childhood and was like, I'm the only one in my family that went to a lot of bar and bot mitzvahs. Many of my friends growing up were Jewish. My brother and my younger sibling, you know, that wasn't really the case. Even my parents, it wasn't really the case. And we grew up in a town that had, you know, a decent amount of Jewish families. And I just was kind of fascinated by that. That like even unknowingly, I still was connected to people who shared the same ancestry as me.

Corey 19:00

That's why we talk about nature and nurture a lot on the show. That is really, really interesting. I don't think I've ever heard anybody say that quite like that before. And I mean, I knew what you were going to say before you even said what your results are gonna be just because it's so common. We've got so many of our guests have no idea of their Jewish heritage until they've taken the test.

Nick 19:19

Yeah, so that was quite the surprise for me. But then, even more surprising was shifting over to the family tree. And the first thing I saw was because my brother had taken the test already, I saw his name on there and it said half brother underneath. And I thought, that doesn't feel right. Like, what is that all about? But then I looked at the paternal side and I forget exactly how many people showed up, but ultimately I'd come to find out that there's 13 additional half siblings, so 14 in total, including me, that I had never known about before. And yeah, just seeing that many names and that I Was so closely connected to them, like just percentage-wise with my DNA, I just kind of froze. Like, I wasn't it didn't I wasn't bothered by it, but I was just like, whoa, this changes everything. I have a lot of decisions to sit with and figure out, like, okay, how is this gonna factor into my life or not factor into my life? Uh that morning when I got the results back, I had to go to work to my day job, which thankfully was remote at the time. So I went to the coffee shop that was nearby and sat down and tried to work, but that wasn't happening. Within an hour, I got a message from a half-sister on 23andMe in a very gentle way. She kind of explained, like, hey, I'm not sure if you were aware of any of this information before today, but if and when you want to know more, I can share more with you. So I try tried to mentally prepare myself for as much of this as I could. And in that moment, I yeah, I mean, you can't, but like, you know, you try your best. And right away I wrote back and it was like, send me everything you got. Like, I'm ready for it. And uh that she did. She sent me two emails. The first one was kind of correspondence between her and one of the half-brothers, and sort of outlined all the detective work that went into uncovering the identity of the donor. The second email was basically a copy of an email from the donor because one of the half-sisters had decided, you know what, I'm gonna reach out and try to get whatever information I can. Somehow she dug up his email. I think she I don't know how she guessed it correctly, but she did. And uh the donor wrote back and basically gave us all of the pertinent information about you know his parents, his grandparents, where they came from, any medical history that he felt was relevant. And that was the gist of it. He did kind of express like he never expected someone like this half-sister to reach out, but with the advancements of technology, he accepts that you know this is where we're at now. And then he did at the end kind of request or at least state that he didn't really have any interest in fostering any relationships with any donor-conceived people that came from him. But if and when there are more people that join our half-sibling group, he basically gave us his blessing and permission to share this information with them and their respective families. Did he share any information about what the circumstances were around him donating? He did not, but we were able to gather that he was doing his medical practice at the hospital where all of us were born. So I don't think it's uncommon to find med students who end up being the ones that are donating. And in my case, that's how it turned out.

Corey 23:08

Did you end up going to one of your half-siblin's bar bot mitzflip? Bet you know.

Nick 23:15

I think it's safe to say I did not. However, now that I've kind of established relationships with a few of them, we have kind of discussed like where could we have crossed paths growing up. One of the half-brothers literally lives streets away from where my parents now live in the town I grew up. So I'm sure we had crossed paths at some point. I know for a fact that one half-sister and half-brother, they used to go to the same like public swimming pool as kids. So like they're probably running around not knowing that they're related to each other. And yeah, I mean, for all of us to come from the same hospital and to grow up in Long Island, you know, Long Island's there's a lot of people that live here, but like there's a lot of chances for people to to cross paths too. So I'm sure it happened a number of times growing up.

Corey 24:12

I mean, we're definitely hearing about, especially when it's happening in the same region of half siblings dating and Mets, you know, and beyond.

Nick 24:19

Yeah. Yeah. That's the really scary and sad part about the situation we find ourselves in is the fact that there's a greater than zero percent chance of things like that legitimately happening is so wrong, it's almost hard to fathom that there hasn't been more progress and movement in the right direction. There's no excuse for something like that happening. Other than just writing greedy and wanting money, like you said, like it's all profit-driven.

Corey 24:50

Sure, sure. And I could totally understand somebody wanting to maintain their anonymity too, because you know if they conceive children with their half sibling or something like that, like that's not something that you just talk about casually. Right. So but yeah, I mean, I think it's gonna take those types of stories and legislation to change.

Nick 25:09

Totally.

Corey 25:10

You know, Nick, you may not know the answer to this, but I mean, the chances of the donor, you know, starting his own family and having children is pretty strong. And, you know, it's pretty common for people to take these tests now. So there's, you know, like some of these half siblings might actually be from the you know, the donor and his wife.

Nick 25:28

Right. Which is the case in my situation. There are there are two. So of the 14 that I mentioned, two of them were raised by the donor. And the big question that I and the donor-conceived half-siblings have is are they even aware of our existence? Because we're not connected to them on any of the DNA sites, we haven't had any correspondence with them. So my gut says that the donor, the donor's immediate family likely is aware of all of this, but we don't have any proof of that. And if for some reason they don't know about all of this, it's another instance of like suppressing very real and relevant information, and the chances of that information coming to light and being a bomb that's dropped, basically, as opposed to something that you have, you know, a mindful discussion around. It just feels risky to tell the people you're closest to.

Corey 26:34

Right. Yeah, and if he goes and says, like, like, don't ever take an ancestry test, what's the first thing you're gonna do is take an ancestry test to find out why his dad is not wanting to take one. At least that's what I would do.

Nick 26:47

Yeah. I've thought about all the ins and outs of all of this, and I forget if I mentioned, I actually I ended up writing a book about my story, and part of what I speculate on is like, if I'm one of those two kids that the donor raised himself, and I knew that I had other half siblings out there, wouldn't I want to have direct access to that information myself via a DNA test rather than having to rely on, in my donor's case, an extended family member who is the one that happens to be connected to us on 23andMe. To me, like if I were in their shoes, the donor's children's shoes, I would want to take a test. So, like, I'm not relying on anyone else for this info. And to date, we're not connected to any of them. So.

Corey 27:43

Okay, we're gonna wrap up part one of Nick's story right here. So far, we've got a birthday DNA test, two terrified parents, and a revelation that changed everything. Not just for Nick, but for everyone connected to him. And those connections, oh, they're coming fast. 14 half siblings, two raised by the donor himself, and a family tree that started to look more like a spiderweb. In part two, Nick digs into what happens next. The messages that started landing in his inbox, the email from the donor that was equal parts informative and also ice cold, and how he's building real relationships with some of his new siblings. It's gonna be emotional and complicated, and another reminder that the truth doesn't just change your story, it expands it. It's gonna be a scorcher. And remember, Family Secrets are the ultimate pop twist. The Family Twist podcast is presented by Snap Watchfair Marketing Communications and produced by How the Cow Eat the Cabbage LLC.