I Lived a Lie and Called It Family

What happens when the truth about your origins arrives decades late and everyone else already knew?

In this episode of Family Twist, Kendall talks with Keith Sciarillo, a late-discovery adoptee who learned later in life that neither of the parents who raised him were biologically related to him. Even harder, siblings and family members knew the truth long before Keith did.

Keith shares what it is like to grow up inside a family secret, how silence reshaped his childhood, and why so many moments only made sense after the truth finally came out. He and Kendall talk openly about resentment, understanding, and the complicated balance between grieving what was lost and accepting what is.

They also explore identity in a literal sense. Keith grew up believing he was Italian Jewish, only to later discover Puerto Rican and Hungarian Jewish ancestry, including Holocaust survivor history in his biological family. That shift was not just informational. It changed how Keith understood himself, his body, and where he comes from.

The conversation moves into parenting, responsibility, and the decision not to pass trauma forward. Keith reflects on becoming a parent while still processing his own story, and why showing up honestly matters more than pretending everything is fine.

Toward the end of the episode, Keith mentions a film that deeply resonated with his own experience, Myth of the Ghost Kingdom. The film follows a late-discovery adoptee and captures the emotional reality of learning the truth far later than anyone should. Keith explains why the story feels uncomfortably accurate, and why seeing adoption and identity explored on screen can be validating in ways people do not always expect.

This episode is for anyone navigating a late-discovery adoption, a DNA surprise, or the long shadow of family secrecy. It is also for anyone trying to understand how silence shapes a child long after childhood ends.

Transcript

Late-discovery adoptee learns neither parent is biological

Corey 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome back to Family Twist. I'm Corey. Today's story does not arrive with fireworks, it arrives with that slow, heavy clip in your chest. You know, the one where you realize something has been off for a long time and you just didn't have the right words for it. Kendall is flying solo in this interview, and he sits down with Keith Sherillo. Keith is a late Discovery adoptee, and his story is layered in ways that will linger with you not just because he found out later in life, but because he found out that the people he believed he was biologically connected to, he just wasn't. Both parents. The kind of revelation does not just tweak your origin story, it really rearranges how you understand yourself. Keith grew up already carrying an absence. His parents divorced when he was about four, and he did not see the father he thought was his biological dad again until he was 21. So even before the truth came out, he had learned how to live with a missing piece. Then the big truth shows up, and here's the part that lands the hardest. Other people knew. Siblings knew, people around him knew. Keith was the only one left outside his own story. In this conversation, Kendall and Keith get into the stuff that actually matters. What secrecy does to a kid, how resentment does not show up loud, how they can sit quietly for years until something finally cracks. And how you can look back at your childhood and suddenly understand moments that never quite made sense before. They also talk about identity in the most literal way. Keith grew up believing he was one thing culturally, and later he learned his biological roots were Puerto Rican and Hungarian Jewish, with Holocaust survivor history in his family line. This isn't trivia, this is a whole mirror. They talk about reunions and strange, powerful moments when you recognize yourself and someone you've never met. The humor, the energy, mannerisms, resemblance. The feeling of home showing up before your brain is even caught up. And they talk about parenting while still carrying your own unfinished story. Keith says something a lot of people feel, but don't always say out loud. When you have kids, you still get to have pain, but you also have a responsibility to show up. You do not get to disappear into that pain. They also talk about community, the kind that makes you feel less alone in the corner of the room, the kind that lets you be vulnerable without falling apart. The kind that changes you. So if you've ever felt like the odd one out in your family, if you've ever sensed something was being kept from you, if you've ever tried to be the strong one while quietly coming undone inside, this episode is going to land. Okay, here's Kendall with Keith.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Welcome, Keith, to the Family Twist Podcast.

SPEAKER_03 2:29

Yep, thanks for having me today.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Absolutely. Well, I'm flying solo today. Corey is doing his other job, the one that he gets paid for, so that's okay. But no, I got some basic information, but I am so curious to hear your story about how it was growing up, and I know you were probably obviously different than the members of your household, right? So let's go from there.

SPEAKER_03 2:54

Yeah, definitely. I think one of the things I always like to mention is that my parents divorced when I was around four. And then I didn't see my father until I was 21.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 3:04

So keep in mind, I thought they were both my biological parents. So I already kind of dealt with the no father thing, you know what I mean, and you know, looking different growing up. But the thing is, people said I looked like his side of the family. So that's kind of an extra layer of how they were able to hide it from me.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:23

I didn't know him. So yeah, so you know, I grew up in a family of six of us, and I'm probably jumping ahead of myself, but I am the only one. I don't I am the only adopted one. Everybody else knew.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 3:35

You know, including my most of my siblings are a little bit older, but I had a actually we're each two and a half years apart, but I have a sister that's two and a half years younger. She found out when she was an adult, you know, way before I did, about me.

The double reveal: not biologically related to either parent

SPEAKER_01 3:48

She didn't want to share that with you, or she didn't feel it was her place.

SPEAKER_03 3:52

And nobody uh, for whatever reasons, they didn't share it.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

So the man that divorced your mother when you were four, you thought he was your biological father, but he wasn't.

SPEAKER_03 4:01

Exactly. Yeah, I thought my mother was my biological mother. She wasn't either, you know.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Right.

SPEAKER_03 4:06

I'm a late discovery doctor, you know, where everybody I thought I was related to, I wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 4:11

Because I'm nosy and you don't have to answer this. Do you feel did you feel resentment when you found out that they had been hiding all that time?

What family secrecy does to a kid, and the “stepchild” feeling

SPEAKER_03 4:19

Interesting enough, I think because of my upbringing, just I knew a lot of things made sense and everything. And I was like, oh, maybe that's why I was treated certain ways at certain times by certain people. Almost like a stepchild mentality of uh yeah, I'm not related to them.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

So it's funny because I always knew I was adopted. Of course, that's not part of my equation. You know, like I there's no reason to resent my parents about it, but what I have found after I found my biological family is how much low-level resentment I have about toward both sets of grandparents because I feel like they could have somebody could have offered to take care of me. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, I had wonderful family, my adoptive family, but you know, I just can't I can't imagine giving away one of my pets, much less a child.

SPEAKER_03 5:13

Yeah, and you know it's interesting because even with the resentment part, definitely having things hidden from me to cause a rift and some things and everything. And that's my adoptive family. But when I connect my biological family, I found everybody, including the eight kids. Though the seven, my biological mother had eight of us, we were all relinquished out. I did find everybody after some time. The ones that are still alive, and it's a long story, but no resentment towards them too much because they had some major issues. I mean, you know, eight kids. My biological father, only two of us are from him, so three different fathers. Never met my biological mother because she passed uh a few years before I discovered I was adopted.

unknown 5:54

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 5:55

So that never happened.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Did any of your biological siblings ever connect with her?

SPEAKER_03 6:02

Well, one sister, she kind of grew up around the family, and she kind of um knew our biological mother for years, but she didn't know that she was her mother until she was about 14, 15. So I know that's caused some things for her.

SPEAKER_02 6:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:14

None of us really got to meet her because she passed before, you know.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

So Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Are you connected to any other of her family members?

SPEAKER_03 6:25

Oh, sure, because you know, she has a bunch of siblings, and you know, even my grandparents, my grandfather, her father just passed about three years ago, but her mother's still around, she's still alive. So I I it's funny that she'll call me or I visited them when they were living in uh North Jersey, but my grandmother moved back to Puerto Rico, so I got to visit her there. Oh, wow a couple times. And so part of my identity stuff is I grew up in an Italian Jewish family, and then it turned out that my biological mother is Puerto Rican, but my biological father is Hungarian, you know, Jewish. Actually, his parents are Holocaust survivors, so you know they still have the uh Jewish ancestry.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Yeah, I've heard so many times because sometimes people say, Oh, I thought I was Italian. And the coloring kind of goes with Latin American, you know what I mean? So I totally get how it could happen. Yeah. And I'm glad it sounds like you've just embraced knowing what you know, you know?

SPEAKER_03 7:21

Yes. I've always been the type of person to uh realize that things are what they are. I'm not the type of guy that's like, oh, I wish things were this way or this is how they should be. Yep, this is what they are. I can do things to maybe make them better or deal with them in the best way possible, but I'm not gonna because I know it's it's easy to ruminate on that stuff. It'll drive people nuts. What would it been like if I grew up with my biological friends? I don't do that. I've had thoughts about that, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

I'm built just like that too. I can go down the rabbit hole, we all can at times, right? Where I get pissed off at my biological mother for not being able to keep me. But in reality, I had a wonderful life with my adoptive parents. And I was the opposite of you. You had all those siblings. I was raised as an only child.

SPEAKER_03 8:07

Yeah, it happens often too.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

Because they were so much older, you know, they they even thought about adopting a second child when I was about four. They thought, oh, you know, we could do this again. Sadly, better that they didn't because my mother became so ill. She bec when I was six, she became ill and she only lived until I was 10. And that was hard enough on my dad to be like a single parent suddenly. But then to have two children, you know, I admire any single parents who can do that. I don't even think I'm built that way. I don't think I could do that.

SPEAKER_02 8:41

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

I have such a wonderful feeling about the way I was raised and how much I was loved, and that's what it's all about.

SPEAKER_03 8:51

Yeah. That's the thing, you know. I've always known that I'm an individual. You know, as many people are surrounded or as much as we need others to navigate this world, navigate life. I've always known that I'm responsible for how my life turns out. Even with the traumas and stuff, you know, the thing is I I never downplay anybody's situation, but um yeah, a lot of things happened to people, and I think it just causes a pivot, a change of course. Yeah, that's all I can really say.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

I think that's personally, and my therapist would agree, that's a really healthy approach, you know. Like you can just some people, one of my half-sisters, she wallows in her feelings all day long, every day. You know what I mean? Like she gets in her own way of her own happiness, I think. And being critical, I just I hate it for her because you know, you want to say, hey, but this is good and this is good, and this is you know, but sometimes when you're in it, it's hard to see it, you know.

SPEAKER_03 9:52

Yeah, and then no, I'm a parent. I have two kids, you know. I mean, that adds another layer of uh, you know, I'm not in this alone anymore. I can't break apart, I can't fall apart. Despite my dynamics for my parents, my job is to be the best parent I'm able to be to my kids, you know. So I can't let them win in that aspect.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

Yep. Yep. I wish more people felt that way about that.

SPEAKER_03 10:13

I don't I don't want to even sound ignorant if I say that. I know there are parents that go through depressions and this and that, and then they lose their lives certain ways and become a victim to uh trigger warning, you know, suicidal thoughts. But I've always been like, I got kids. I gotta be here as long as possible for them. I'm always transparent with them too. They know about the whole story and everything.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

So because I have found similarities between myself and my biological half-siblings, did you have any aha moments when you met these people? And like, oh my gosh, how similar to each other?

SPEAKER_03 10:46

Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, definitely like a lot of the physical characteristics, the energy, a bit of the humor stuff. It's funny because five of us are half siblings to each other, but then I got the one. I'm sorry, six of us are half, but then I got the one that's a full-blooded sibling.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

And I haven't met him yet. Yeah, he lives in Vegas, and you know, he's in situations where it's kind of hard to get a hold of him. I haven't met him. But when I saw his picture online for the first time, I was like, wow, we look very similar. He's a year younger.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:13

Looks very similar. I got to talk to him on the phone a couple of times, and yeah, it's just it's really interesting.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

Yeah. Just because I always knew I was adopted, I never, and especially when I was born, I never thought I was gonna find anybody. And I resigned myself to that really early and thought there are people probably out there, but I might never know them. And, you know, to your point, you gotta just deal with what you got, right? So I never expected it. But then when I started talking to my my half-brother that I first connected with, he and I, I don't, I think in the first month that we found each other, I don't think a day went by that we didn't speak on the phone. We were just like even short conversations, just to say, you know, hey, what's going on? You know, I met him on the phone in August of 2017. And then when Corey and I flew, we lived in San Francisco at the time, we flew out to New England to meet my dad and two of his other three kids out here. When I met my dad and my dad's brother, I look so much like my dad's brother that it's crazy. I was like, Are you sure his kid?

SPEAKER_03 12:23

No, that's a good thing. Yeah, I look more like my grandfather's actually than I do my actual uh father, really. I look like my biological mother too, but I look definitely look more like both of my grandfathers. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Yeah, it's bizarre. I was like, holy sh, I'll probably edit that, but I was like, wow. You never had that, you know what I mean? Yeah, people would flippantly say, My mother and dad adopted me, they were 35 and 36. So people were surprised that they finally had a child, right? They didn't have me, but they acquired me, I always say. And the funny thing is, we would run across their friends when I would be like four years old, or you know, and the people they hadn't seen in years, they'd be like, Oh, this is our little boy. And you know, undoubtedly people would say, Oh, yeah, he looks just like you guys. And I looked nothing like either of them. Of course, I was the kid that would be like, You're full of shit. I do not look like either of these people.

Reunion reality: acceptance, rejection, and the right to know your origins

SPEAKER_03 13:19

Yeah, no, that I mean that goes to like the programming. That we're programmed a certain way, right?

SPEAKER_02 13:25

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 13:25

Like when you instantly connect with your brother, you talk him on the phone, but then there's this wow feeling of man, you know. I don't know. I've heard other adoptees say, Wow, my family accepts me fully, and I feel so good. But the thing is, that's how it should be. We shouldn't feel like we need to be welcomed into the family.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

Right.

SPEAKER_03 13:42

Because we are part of the family. They can't, whether they like it or not, right? You know, even when we get the second rejections from biological family members, like, I got my blood through running through your veins, whether you like it or not. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 13:54

I know you, I wish I hope my mother is listening to you right now. It is what it is. I wasn't patient about this when I first found my family, because I assumed that as soon as I found them, that my mother would want to speak to me. Why wouldn't she? And she didn't, and she still hasn't, and it's been eight years, and I butthurt about it. You know what I mean? Like it's insulting. I don't understand it. Maybe I never will. I have to stop and say, this is her story too. And if she doesn't want to reach out, she doesn't want to reach out. You know what I mean? Like it's and it is her right. It's hard for me to say that, but I'm much better at saying that now than I was eight years ago.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

Oh, yeah, of course. No, and that's it's like two sides of one same corn because yeah, we should be accepted by family. But when they don't, I'm in some of these support groups online, and when people talk about how certain family members want to talk to them, I'm like, this is adoption, you know. This is a it is that it's such an unnatural course of becoming a parent that that that severed tie of it. And it can't be it can never be fully mended, no matter how you know.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

No, I know. And that is what it is, too, you know, because I wouldn't trade my time with my adoptive parents. You know, I wouldn't, for they're my mom and dad, you know. Sorry, I get really emotional about it. Of course, I just miss that.

SPEAKER_03 15:19

You're allowed to feel what you feel, especially talking about my kids or my niece and nephew or something. So another part of my dynamics is my adoptive father, him and his wife have a son that they adopted.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_03 15:30

Yeah, my biological father, him and his wife, they adopted a son. Their son is 24 now.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 15:36

Crazy enough, he has the same birthday as me, too.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

That's cool.

SPEAKER_03 15:40

That's pretty cool. So, you know what I'm saying? Like, even though I didn't know about being adopted, this adoption stuff is very entwined into my life. Yeah, you know, and that my biological brother, who's a full-blown brother, he has uh at least three kids with a couple different women. So I'm in touch with my niece and nephew, two of his kids. Yeah, his adopted mom and her husband have been really welcoming. And we do family vacations with the kids and my biological father. But we found our way back to each other, and um I swear I used to get emotional when I talked about them too. But it's just like man, I don't know. It's pretty awesome though.

SPEAKER_01 16:15

It is good stuff. I feel really fortunate. I hear so many stories, you know, from people and like you, you didn't get to meet your biological mother, and I haven't either, but at least for me, it's still a possibility. You know what I mean? It could happen. I I don't know that it will, but but conversely, I'm really close with my biological mother's sister, so supportive and sweet, and sends Corey and me, you know, birthday cards and Christmas. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 16:45

There is like, you know, there's different family members that I connect with. And I it's funny, my my kids and I just went to Southern California where my uh aunt lives, my biological father's sister, she lives out there, and um, we stayed in her house for a couple of days. And but it's kind of like I kind of know how it goes with certain people. It's like after I saw her, it's like I can't call her for a couple months, you know what I'm saying? I know how it is. If I call her too soon, she's gonna be like, oh yeah, I just it's just like you know, you learn personalities because you know, whether it's family or whether it's the adoption community as a whole, we have to remember we're just still a part of society.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 17:18

Yeah, with our own upbringings, our own social dynamic, economic, everything else.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:24

The uh the compassion that you feel for yourself, and I I could tell it goes for others too. I wish there was more of that in our community, but it's almost like a lot of people do the anger thing, which is a secondary emotion anyway, right? It's like we're gonna feel the sadness and all that stuff first, anyway.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:43

So why not be a little vulnerable, let that show? People are afraid. People are afraid to be hurt, they're afraid to show their true self sometimes. How else do we move forward, you know?

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Exactly. I have a stepsister from my adoptive family, and she passed away suddenly last year. But before that, I really got to talk to her at length about finding this biological family, and she was so happy for me and always wanted it for me. It was almost like my own personal therapist. She's one of the few people in my life who knew me all that time. So it was so helpful to me to have her listen to me. And I could be brutally honest.

SPEAKER_03 18:26

That's a good point. Yeah, I would never forget. One of my brothers, um, one of our brothers, uh, I remember years ago when I was having issues of about our father being absent, he was saying something about how, like, yeah, you know, you're you're always like that. You always feel like nobody likes you, this and that. And then when I found out that I was adopted, and then he learned certain things about adoption that I learned. And it's like, yeah, I said a lot of things made sense now, you know. Because you know, it's funny, you know, my had not having my father growing up, that was one thing, but then there's still the stuff that was going on from being separated from my Bible's family, I didn't even know about, right? You know, like Nancy Verrier's books, the primal woman, and all that stuff. It's primal, primal, deep. It cuts deep.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Do you know whether your biological father did he he knew he knew that you were out there? I mean, he knew that.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

Matter of fact, him and I are pretty close. I mean, we connected when I first discovered I was adopted. And what's interesting, he has a moving company, so he does jobs up and down the East Coast, and I've seen him plenty of times. And I think he's gonna be retiring pretty soon. But uh yeah, he definitely knew about me. He knew I was out there. It's funny when I first met him, I never forget, he showed me a picture of him when he was like 20s, and he's like, Now do you know why? Because they were drugged out of their minds back then. Yeah, that's yeah. He's like, I wanted to take you home, but they weren't gonna let me. Yeah, they had their things going on, and it was New York City, the 70s.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Yep. Can you imagine stuff going on?

SPEAKER_03 19:52

They were living homeless at one point, so that's also why I have the understanding of yeah, I understand why things happened the way they did, basically.

SPEAKER_01 20:00

Well, and probably makes you fortunate that you did have your adoptive family as well.

SPEAKER_03 20:07

Yeah, it's like it's such a it's such a double-edged job, it's such a weird thing. It's like I could have done without some of the abuse stuff. You know, I didn't even mention that yet, but I I could have done with sit without certain things. But yeah, I guess I definitely find the good in what I had. Um passed through my life over the years, they all had a part in.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

You know what I'm saying? Stuff like that gives gives peace, you know.

SPEAKER_01 20:31

Well, it's funny that you touched on that because I haven't talked much on the podcast about the struggles that my adoptive father had after my mother hit passed away. My adoptive mother passed away. She had been sick for four years before she died. We did the math after she died. She'd spent more time in hospitals than out in those four years. Yeah, it was tough on him. It was so hard on him. And I wasn't easy on him myself, because like after that happened, I had always been pragmatic, and that's the way they were raised to be. But I was like, okay, we're gonna pull ourselves up and we're gonna get through this, and yes, it sucks, but we've got each other. And that's so easy to say, but not easy to live. And he struggled and he spiraled, you know, in bad ways. And he didn't abuse me, it wasn't like that, but he struggled with alcoholism and prescription medications, and I was so critical of him for a very, very long time. And I actually feel pretty ashamed of that because I don't know what it's like to lose somebody after being married for 27 years. I don't know what it's like to you know, care for my wife for four years before she died.

SPEAKER_03 21:56

We can only understand to the degree that we've experienced certain things. I guess separated divorce for about eight years now from my ex-wife and stuff. And I went through my stuff, and it's funny, I kind of spoke openly about this online. I went through this gambling addiction phase or sex addiction thing or these little things that I went through and trying to cope with everything. Interesting enough, I I never touched drugs growing up, thankfully. I would have been the type that I would have been very addicted right away. Yeah. Because of my background biologically. Matter of fact, I started smoking, I smoked cigarettes when I was 17, I was 18. I smoked two cigarettes one night, the next day I smoked a whole pack. And I did that for five years until I quit. I quit because when my ex-wife got pregnant, I was like, in my mind, it was worse. I had these logical thoughts that don't make I'm like, I want to try to live as long as possible. Let me quit smoking. I'm always like I know that if I try to do this, this might be the outcome. So let me try to do that. You know, things don't always pan out the way we think, but uh, but yeah, we gotta be easier on ourselves for not understanding how others culprit with, you know.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:57

So people blame things on wiring and stuff. I just think it's things we go through in life affect us. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

I have often said to Corey that my parents were their own worst nightmares when they taught me to be so fiercely like independent and bold. They did. And it served me well, but I also could have a little attitude as a teacher. You know what I mean? Like they raised me to be so fiercely independent. And I think it's because they worried that, you know, I was, you know, well, everybody knew I was adopted. They weren't worried about that because my hometown was as big as the room I'm sitting in, so it wasn't, you know, like everybody knew everybody's business. But they also didn't want any kind of impact on me. So they raised me to be tough skinned, but polite. I mean, that wasn't they didn't raise me to be rude, but I mean they just they made me feel really special, and they said that so often that I joke and say that I just I heard it maybe a little too often because I think I think I thought I was a lot more special than I was, and I can say that now.

SPEAKER_03 24:08

Yeah, I think there's a lot of things about the way we are, the way people perceive us, things that people try to convince us of about ourselves. But I always feel that we know our true being, and um, that's what's gonna show. You know, there are plenty of times growing up where people will try to bully me or something like that for being just the way I am. Brushing things off my shoulder. Someone calls me a name, I'm like, cool, buddy. Yeah, you know, and then it's like, you know, then some people perceive that as being timid. Yeah, I'm just like, I don't know, as long as they don't touch me, they're good. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 24:36

Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_03 24:36

But it's like as soon as someone pushes me, like I'm gonna like punch them in the face. Like, yeah, I'm just saying that type of not not like I was a tough kid or whatever, but yeah, I I kind of wanted to be left alone, and I was hoping that certain people would realize that. Like, I'm not trying to bother anybody, why are you bothering me? That type of thing.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

Right.

SPEAKER_03 24:52

It's like I've seen this scenario play out many times throughout life, and I'm just like, I don't know, like I mean, I could be your friend actually. You don't have to show any type of uh whatever it is towards me, you know?

SPEAKER_01 25:04

Mm-hmm. Well, I tell you, one piece of advice, I don't know if I've ever said this online, but one of the best pieces of advice that I think of so often from my parents was Kendall, you can never control someone else's behavior, but you can control how you react to it.

SPEAKER_02 25:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

And I just I've used that so many times throughout my life, and I admire that because they were the type of people that weren't argumentative with anybody. Like you, you, we'll do us. You know what I mean? Move on.

SPEAKER_03 25:39

I'm so glad that I've been able to shield my sanity from a lot of the even being online these days, everybody's trying to convince everybody of something else. And I'm over here just like these are just the way things are, and change is possible, but you're not gonna convince anybody of anything by yelling. I don't know, it's hard to explain it can be anything, it could be politics, it could be anything, you know. And I've always just been like, I don't know, this is what's happening, you know, there's right and wrong, and we all know what right and wrong is. And you know, it's funny, I think something that was mentioned in the email to me when you asked me to be a guest is about community. And yeah, community has been such an important part of this journey and uh the healing aspect, you know, just getting involved in different things. There's different organizations that like to have our input. Yeah, I did some work with CAKES for a little while, Center for Adoption Support and Education on their advisory board. I do TRJ camp just about every year, transracial journeys. Yeah, they're a great camp, by the way. And I didn't do it last year because I felt ill and uh you know still dealing with illness, but I'm ready for camp again this year.

SPEAKER_01 26:44

Cool.

SPEAKER_03 26:45

You know, um I love that it's gonna be awesome.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

Yeah, and it's so funny. Again, I have learned so much about myself in the last eight years since I found my family. Corey, my partner almost 21 years, says that before I made the discovery, I was quintessential Kendall. I managed everybody else's perception about me. I had to always be seen as strong, unwavering. This was just some made-up idea I had about myself, but I didn't realize how much I needed this community. Yeah. I didn't realize that I would be affected so profoundly by this. Um I'm glad it's happened, but it's definitely altered my kind of outlook a bit. I feel like I'm so much it's funny because my friends wouldn't necessarily say this about me. They would say that I managed their perceptions of me so well that I always seemed happy back then. But now that, you know, because Corey lives with me, Corey's like, oh, Kendall, you're so much more open and happy and, you know, like full really fulfilled, I think is a good way to describe it. And that's because of this community.

SPEAKER_03 28:09

I mean, that's the thing. You know, it's like what I've learned is I used to be considered a non-confrontational type person, this and that, all this stuff, kind of. But yeah, but being part of the adoption community is like there's there are people that need to know their strength and realize that there are people even that came before them that have dealt with the same struggles they have, and they're not alone and you know, nobody left behind type of mentality. You know, and it's like even if everybody turns against you, as long as you have that one person that can still um be there, be there and uh even just be a listening ear or encouraging. Very helpful to know. You know, because I've seen people ostracized in our community too. You know that term Switzerland where you're kind of I don't consider myself Switzerland exactly. It's just like I'm here, I'm not gonna side with you or side with because sometimes people will message you like, I'm getting to an argument with this person, back me up in the post. I'm not getting involved in that stuff. I think it serves a purpose when you kind of I don't know how to explain it, but just avoid the extra I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 29:15

Well, I get it because I I what I hear you saying is that we all have enough things going on in our own. I don't need to try to manage other people's stuff.

SPEAKER_03 29:25

That's a part of it, for sure. Is that yeah, yeah, it's like everybody, you know, the everyday stuff we're going through. You know, like right here in southern Maryland, uh, we got we have some snow, now it's all ice, right? And I live sort of like in a wooded area, whatever, you know, and there's a tenant that lives in the and uh we're communicating, and uh, you know, we really can't get the cars out, which is okay. But I I ordered DoorDash that'll be here at three o'clock, and you know, but I'm gonna help whoever it is that's DoorDash, I'm gonna make sure I do my part, whether I have to go up to the top of the driveway and meet them. But uh, you know, humans are resilient, and unfortunately we have to be at times. And I you know, I feel like just things work out, and I won't say they always work out the way they should. That's uh I think that's a false narrative, but they do work out, they do work out in some way.

SPEAKER_01 30:09

Yeah. Shout out to my half-sister, my mother's daughter, because there have been moments during this discovery when I have felt ignored by most of that family. Thank goodness that I have my sister. I am so close to her, she's a great person, she loves me dearly. When we get together, we have a great time. She gives me hope about that side of the family and that not everybody wants to ignore me.

SPEAKER_03 30:38

Exactly. And that's the thing you know what's funny. I've always thought about how speaking of feeling ignored and all that stuff, right? I used to be the type where you know I would go to an event or some party. I I think this is sort of like the introverted-extroverted thing. I can have a good time, but then after a little while, I need to go sit by myself and be alone. But what I learned to do when I'm in those moments, I'll scan the room and I'll see who else is in the same boat, who else is alone in that moment. And I might just go over to them and just sit with them.

SPEAKER_01 31:09

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Yeah, you know, I feel a lot of times you know, the outcast, the lonely person, this and that, whatever it's you gotta find each other in those moments. And you know, and I think that's what this community has been built on. It's been built on that, you know, it's been built on the yeah, the underdog, the the the one that you know saying, yeah, yeah, there's gonna be a mob mentality sometimes, or you know, egocentric things come about. You know, fortunately I'm not able to go to the conference this year. Uh some days, a few little things going on, but nothing major. Even when I used to go to the conference, because I've been going back from when they were Indiana Adoption Network.

unknown 31:47

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 31:48

Yeah, I used to go back then in Indiana, actually, and I've been to a couple other things like in Missouri when they open up records there. But I would always talk to the person that looked like they're just like, looking for someone to talk to. Yeah, even though I would not have the people there, but I would look for that one person, like, okay, you know, what's up?

SPEAKER_01 32:04

Yeah, that's what it's about. It's helping people feel included and not lost, you know, because sometimes people just don't have the personality where they're gonna help themselves do that. They might need to be pulled along a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 32:19

You know, even if it's like, okay, so you ever had a situation where like you introduce two friends to each other, then they become best friends, yeah. And then you might not even talk to them anymore, but that's okay too. You know what I mean? Connection is not like a selfish thing, you know. I'm saying just because you're my friend doesn't mean you have to stay my friend forever. I can introduce you to someone as long as you're happy, have it fulfilled, you know what I'm saying? Stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01 32:41

Absolutely. I'm with you 100%. Because if you're gonna click, you're gonna click.

SPEAKER_03 32:46

And if you're not, yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, but otherwise, everything's good here. I'm 13 years into this Discovery Reunion stuff. Wow. So it's been quite a journey. I've dealt with everything I've had to deal with. Some things still come in waves and still triggers. I definitely know how to handle them better.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

Me too.

Film recommendation: late-discovery adoptee story that nails the experience (Prime and Apple TV)

SPEAKER_03 33:03

Yeah, obviously, you and your husband part of this great project to connect with other adoptees and bringing our voices to the forefront. And that's the thing, I like to do that, just be involved in things. I don't know if you know, but there's a and uh this is a very shameless plug. I don't care. There's a new movie out called Myth of the Ghost Kingdom. Have you heard of it yet?

SPEAKER_01 33:21

I have.

SPEAKER_03 33:22

Yeah, Myth of the Ghost Kingdom. So it's about a late discovery adopte. Yeah, and yes, they are all actors, but they have uh captured the experience so well. I mean, it's interesting because they connect with me after the film was already made, and they asked me to kind of help get the word out. I actually got to watch the movie before it even came out. Oh I watched it like three times. I'm like, yeah, this definitely captures this, but now it's on Amazon Prime and Apple TV. Cool. So you know, I want as many people as possible to watch it and like because even though it's fictional, it just captures the experience. And yeah, you could tell that they've done their research in the making of the film, too. And so I'm just saying, you know, Jason Mullis, he's the writer, director, and then Ingrid Ali, actress. And I I live in Southern Maryland, so they're based in Richmond, and I got to go to one of the screenings out there, but I don't think they realize how much this fulfills me, too. You know, yeah, tell me how they appreciate because I'm getting the word out, you know.

SPEAKER_01 34:21

Well, it's so funny. I don't even know if you because we might have started this project, we have a new cookbook project that we're putting together. We've come at it from the standpoint of wanting to put together a family twist cookbook where, for instance, if there was something that your adoptive mother used to cook for you that means something to you, or something that you've experienced with your biological family since you've met them. You know what I mean? Like that's kind of the way of approaching it.

SPEAKER_03 34:51

Yeah, please reach out because I mean I do have some recipes that I learned from family, but some I on my own, like like like m mussels and pasta, and yeah, I'll make that with like some garlic and butter, and it's funny, it's almost like a therapy thing.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

That's what we want.

SPEAKER_03 35:05

Yeah, doing that. I don't know if you know, but I I had this chocolate business years ago. I mean, I don't do it anymore, but it was called Jazzy J Fine Chocolate. It's like kind of named after my kids. I would stay up till three in the morning making these chocolate bars and stuff. It was just like such a therapy for me. I had to wake up at seven to be at work in the city at nine. But I was in my early 30s back then, you know, 14 years, 12 years ago. But yeah, there's always those outlets that we can find too.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

Absolutely. And uh yeah, we'd like to break even on the production of the book, but the is to contribute back to the community by sales of the cookbook, you know. So it's just fun. And Corey's the publishing project, so this is perfect, you know.

SPEAKER_03 35:45

That's amazing. Yeah, it's and it's funny, like kind of like that movie uh was it No Naz, where they had the different grandmothers coming and cooking the recipes. Yeah, that that type of thing is very, very awesome.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

Well, Corey is a fantastic cook, and I can attest by my you know weight gain over the years. That that's not his fault. That's because I have no self-control, apparently.

SPEAKER_03 36:06

My ex-wife used to get on me about gain weight. I was like, but the food is good, and you know, exactly here all the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

Oh god. It's funny when Corey and I first met, he when we were dating, he'd come over to my condo and he'd be like, Oh, I'm gonna make dinner for us. And he'd open the cabinets, and all uh Keith, all it was just like a row of cereal boxes. That's all it was like. I was like, I mean, I can cook, but I don't enjoy it the way he does. And he for him, it's an experience, for him it's therapeutic, for him, it's community building. But anyway, yeah, so I'll connect with you because it sounds like you've got some cool ideas, and then you could give us a little blurb like I used to make this for my kids, or I used to make this with my mom, or I used to, you know, whatever. Yeah, that's the point, because we want to give credit to the the people who are producing, giving us the recipes. But one of the last questions we like to ask, and you may or may not relate to this, but we haven't always asked this question. But Corey and I are music freaks, and we have mu there's music playing in our house 24-7. We bonded over it long ago, but I wonder if there is a an artist or a genre or a song or anything that helped you through when you were going through this discovery uh like like 13 years ago.

SPEAKER_03 37:32

So interesting. There's a song I used to listen to all the time that helped me get through. Stone Sound through Glass, and you know, the video specifically and the words, and that was the song. That was the song.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

That's so cool. See, and I have learned about so many artists by asking this question. Like, you know, I think I know music, but I don't know music. I need to hear, I need to hear what other people's influences are. In our house, I must say, it sounds a little stereotypical for two gay guys, but we love disco and funk, and you know, and now conversely, I'm the biggest blues fan that you've ever met. So I love blues and jazz and rock. This has been a really good conversation for me, and I feel like I haven't gotten to be on recent podcasts as often as Corey, so I feel like this was what I needed to hear. And so if we don't see you at this conference, maybe you know, we can see each other. We're both on the East Coast, we're not that far from each other.

SPEAKER_03 38:31

Trust me, connecting is the greatest thing, and I think it's actually very important for people, even with different lifestyles, to connect, to connect. And you know, it's all about unity at the end of the day.

Corey 38:42

Kendall, I want to start by saying thank you for holding that conversation with so much care. And Keith, thank you for trusting us with your story. There are a few things from this episode that have really been sticking with me. One is the cost of secrecy, not just the lie itself, but the long shadow it casts. The way it reshapes your memories, the way it makes you look back and suddenly think, oh, that's why I felt so off. That's why it hurt. That's why I always felt like I was standing just outside the circle. Another is identity, because Keith's story is not just about family, it's about culture, ancestry, heritage, and belonging. And when all of that shifts later in life, it can feel grounding and disorienting at the same time. And then there's resilience. Not the inspirational poster kind, but real kind. The kind where you let yourself feel the grief without letting it run your life. When you acknowledge the anger without building a home inside it, where you keep showing up for your kids, your relationships, and yourself, even while you are still trying to figure out what the truth means. Keith also reminds us of something we say a lot around here. Community matters. Not because it fixes everything, but because it tells you that you're not crazy and you're not alone. You are not the only one trying to make sense of a story that was never yours to begin with. If this episode hit with you, share it with someone who needs it. And if you're listening and you are early in your discovery, let this be your reminder that you do not have to carry it alone. And before we go, we want to add one last note about untangling our roots. We're genuinely bummed that we won't be meeting Keith in person at the conference. We wanted that handshake, that hug, that hallway moment where you get to say, hey, we made it. We're here. But Keith will absolutely be there in spirit, and we are carrying his words with us into that space. We'll see you next time, and remember, Family Secrets are the ultimate plot twist. The Family Twist podcast is presented by Sabwas Fair Marketing Communications and produced by Mosaic Multimedia.