The Reality of Donor Conception in the Age of DNA Testing

What happens when a sperm donor from the 1990s suddenly discovers he has children decades later?

This is one of those stories that could only happen right now.

A decision made in the early ’90s, when anonymity was expected and protected, collides with modern DNA testing, where secrets don’t stay buried.

In Part 1 of this conversation around the documentary Dad Genes, we sit down with Aaron and Jess to unpack how their lives became connected in a way neither of them could have predicted.

Aaron donated sperm in 1994, thinking it was a closed chapter. Jess built her family years later, carefully choosing a donor based on what felt right at the time.

Neither of them expected that decades later, a simple DNA test would connect them, and open the door to a network of biological children, siblings, and relationships that were never supposed to exist.

This episode focuses on the moment everything changes. The discovery. The realization. The first steps into something completely unknown.

If you’ve taken a DNA test, are thinking about it, or are navigating a family discovery of your own, this episode will hit home.

Because this isn’t just about donor conception.

It’s about how technology is reshaping identity, how past decisions don’t stay in the past, and how people are left to figure it out in real time without a roadmap.

Stories like this are becoming more common, and the questions they raise don’t have easy answers.

What You’ll Take Away

• A clear look at how donor conception worked before DNA testing changed everything
• Insight into how families made decisions without knowing what the future would bring
• A grounded, human perspective on what it feels like when identity and biology suddenly collide

Listen now to hear how one decision in 1994 turned into a life-changing discovery decades later.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Hello everyone, this is Kendall. Corey and I are dedicating this episode to my biological father, Walter Scott Clark, who died suddenly on Friday, three days before his 72nd birthday. We loved you, Dad. Thanks for eight and a half years of great memories.

Corey 0:19

Alright, we're back with part two with Aaron and Jess. This is part of the story I always find the most interesting because discovery is one thing. Living with it, that's the story. And you can already hear it starting to take shape here. Everyone's coming at this from a completely different angle. You've got the college kids who are like, okay, who am I? Where did I come from? Let's figure this out. You've got a 10-year-old who's basically like, cool, but why would I hang out with a 50-year-old guy? Which honestly is the most crowded take in this whole thing. And then you've got Erin and Jess trying to make decisions in real time with zero roadmap. And then, because this story doesn't know when to stop, they decide to film it. So now your first meeting isn't just a first meeting, it's lights, cameras, awkward seating arrangements, and someone asking you questions before you've even had a second to just look at each other. It's a lot. But it also creates something pretty unique. So yeah, let's get back into it.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

So at this point, I am separated from my partner. And my partner has kept our youngest daughter. I think why that is important is number one, because my partner really believed that biology is completely unimportant and chosen family is very important. But in the next breath, my partner has ghosted our eldest daughter Alice, who she had with her for years, three days a week after the divorce. If you're the parent doing this, because there is no rule book at all, my kid was really in a position where she was looking to run to him and like wonder why he's not coming to her school play. She did not want to replace a parent who's gonna burn her again painfully. It was really a good position for her to be in as far as being that young and me feeling like it was okay to plan a meeting care. But yet to this day, because of that messy divorce, I'm the only I've met the most Erin donor children of anyone because I'm the only one who knows my youngest daughter.

unknown 2:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Who's not been able to have contact with me or Alice in 10 years now.

Kendall 2:36

Wow. I'm sorry about that.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

It's really hard for Alice because she gets all of this like publicity now. And people are like, Your sister, your sister, duh, and we'll refer to that the donor siblings. And others will say, Your other half sister, then gets relegated to the status of donor sibling. And she's that's my sister. Like, who am I? I am now a college student and I want to know my own identity. And my kids, like, what? There's like a 50-year-old man out my 23. I don't want to have coffee with a 50-year-old man. I'm no desire to see what I have in common with a 50-year-old man. I'm a 10-year-old girl. Is he into Monsters High? Because I'm into Monsters High. And so, like, it was pulling teeth to get her to even write her life story to him. And it's basically me being like, What's your favorite collar? And she's like, Ray, like my soul. Okay, what's your favorite movie? I like Hitchcock. And so he was like, Your 10-year-old daughter's awesome.

SPEAKER_02 3:38

Her responses were really funny. Yeah, good.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

And I was like, okay, so maybe like when there's two other kids there and you're there, we're so close to Seattle. It wasn't hard for us to meet him. We'll wait for the other kids to come this summer. We'll go up. He was caring for his mom. He couldn't travel to see that because she had Alzheimer's at that point. And no matter what anybody feels about the donor, nobody's anti-grandma. So we're gonna grow up and we're gonna see grandma. And this is sister's grandma, too. So you've got this job now, Alice, to gather information about these folks. And there's a 19-year-old girl, there's a 20-year-old guy, they kept buying Alice pizza and like trying to woo her. And it was such a better, safer version of this very big, scary, important life event for her.

SPEAKER_02 4:34

There were some details we haven't gotten to yet. When I learned that I had some biological children, like most of my friends didn't, it just wasn't something I had ever talked about, mostly because I hadn't really thought about it in a long time. But suddenly I had these DNA children, and I told like a few close friends, but we just wanted to like keep it private for a while to figure out what was going on with it. And but eventually, like after a couple months, I'd kind of piece together how I felt about it. And I thought it would be fun to tell it as a story. You know, I have writer inclinations. So at the time I was living in a co-op, and this was very much a co-op where people like were actually living together, sharing space and living in community in our co-op periodic talent shows. And talents could be anything. You could just like tell a story or so. What I did was I made a PowerPoint presentation that told the story of getting DNA tested and discovering these child children and so so forth. And I was presenting this to a bunch of people who knew me as a 50-year-old bachelor. And so I gave this presentation, and a number of people were watching it, and one of them was my co-op mate Matt Isaacs. I mean, I think he had recently moved out of the co-op, but he was still kind of part of the community. And at the end of the PowerPoint, I took the opportunity to say, and they're all coming here, and we're gonna have a party at the co-op. So I sort of announced a party where everyone would get to meet the people in the PowerPoint presentation. And that was the party was scheduled for July 1st. At the end of the evening, Matt comes up to me and he was like, How would you feel about being the subject of a documentary film? And we'll film you meeting your biological children. And you know, Matt was someone I liked and trusted, and I was like, Okay, sounds fun.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

So that meeting was awkward.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

And so instead of meeting the children in some normal way, what happens is they arrive in Seattle and then Matt sequesters them.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Alice and I got a hotel and I remember even texting Aaron, because we had become text buddies over the intervening six months, because it turns out, like, especially my kid, but even Bryce and Maddie, like they they're like, who am I? Where do I come from? And me and Erin are like, oh, actually, we have a lot in common. We did this whole thing before them. What was your part like? My part is just freaking harder.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

Jess is 10 years younger than me, but we're essentially contemporaries, and we just had a lot of adult things to talk about.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

And so I remember I was even texting him from the W. I was like, I've been to Seattle and I can see you from here. We're in the U district. This is so weird.

Kendall 7:58

So did you get pushback from any of the children whose families didn't want them involved in the documentary?

SPEAKER_02 8:07

I by that time I had maybe connected a little bit with I don't know, a half dozen others. But most of them it was with their moms. And they were cordial enough interactions, and they were like, maybe when the kids are older. But we exchanged some basic info and we had Facebook friends with a bunch of the moms and a few of the other kids, but mostly the moms.

Kendall 8:37

Makes sense, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:39

And so there was one other child, Emily, who lives locally. She's actually the closest one, and I think she was nine at the time, and her mom was nervous about having her meet me, and she was invited to come to the initial meeting and party, but she declined. They did have a separate meeting where Alice Bryce Matt Jess went and met them at park, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

She was okay with the it's interesting because that mom was okay with the siblings, but not with Aaron. I think other parents are comfortable with Aaron, but not the siblings.

Kendall 9:19

I get it. It's complex, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:21

We've since become friends with Emily, and like Alice and Emily were in the same Girl Scout trip for a while. And oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

We just asked Emily our Alice yesterday, like, what's Emily up to? She texted you back. What's how's she doing in school? She's also like we see them on holidays.

SPEAKER_02 9:36

They're they have become like donor cousins, like they're in any case, at the time they weren't involved in the movie. I mean, they do appear in the movie a little bit, but for the initial meeting, yeah, so it was very contrived. They were all brought to the co-op and put in like the living room and sat on a couch. And then I was told to come in. And you can see this scene in the movie. I come in and they're all sitting on the couch, and we kind of wave to each other, but then immediately I have to go like sit on the couch next to them. So we're all like four in a row facing forward, and like all we really want to do is look at each other, but we're like in the least convenient position to do stuff. And then we're immediately asked questions. So this is like a very contrived, awkward meeting. One nice thing about it though was like Jess was sitting behind the camera, and she and I just exchanged this nice little wave where we rolled our eyes and acknowledged like how ridiculous the situation we were in.

Kendall 10:50

But what a nice way to commemorate how many people get that opportunity. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

And that's also why I said yes on behalf of Alice, who wanted no part.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Is because they're young enough that you're like, I feel like you're gonna regret it if you don't take this opportunity. This is really interesting and really different, and nobody gets to do interesting different things. And we tried to make it not a big deal, but it became very awkward. But it also created this opportunity for trauma bonding on all of our parts because very quickly, like all five of us were like, how do we get away from this camera?

Kendall 11:32

The escape route.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

And it's funny for me, it was fascinating because first of all, I'm a social science PhD, and second of all, I'm the non-biological one in this group. So I'm like, I'm watching all these people who are really just a lot alive. Really.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

Oh, yeah, you should talk about that. And I'm like, what similarities did you see between us immediately?

SPEAKER_01 11:55

Eye rolling, short, witty quips all the freaking time. Really introverted. I'm the extrovert and I'm not an extrovert on the spectrum of actual humans. But it's like being an American in Europe. Like suddenly I'm the party here, and they are all very quiet. And but when they have a pun to haul out of their back pockets, they're gonna try to one-up each other on it all the time. So you're just like, oh gee, I am the mom. And so I'm just watching them the entire time. And as we're trying to sort of plot these escapes and stuff, we were all kind of in this together. And they they move alike, they act alike, they're all really linguistically gifted, but in different ways. No, it was it was completely fascinating. And we actually at that party, part of the party was we played a game where the audience they had some pre-prepared questions, you know, like, do you like roller coasters? So we decided at before this Meet My Kids party happened, we decided this was gonna be like a two-week thing. We were gonna learn Aaron. He was gonna take us to his places and show us his people and everything like that. And part of that was going back down to Oregon, where I lived at the time, to go to this sort of hippie event that he goes to every year. So we we all ended up on this road trip immediately where we're, you know, the kids are in the backseat. I'm mom, I'm like throwing chips and sandwiches and making sure everybody's okay. And I'm like just kind of running the get to know you show because they're all introverts. You did feel like you knew how that person reacts and who that person is and how to get along with that person. Once we ditched all the cameras and got on the road, it was it was weirdly natural.

SPEAKER_02 13:50

We're like cool. Parents on a road trip that our the documentary took a really long time to make. Like there was like an initial year where there was filming periodically, and then every once in a while they would come film something else.

Kendall 14:07

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 14:07

But suddenly this year they finally like finished it and submitted it to a bunch of film festivals, and it's like very strangely, this was total coincidence. It played in Atlanta the same weekend as the Untangling Our Roots Festival. So I actually got to go be at one of the screenings of it.

Kendall 14:27

Well, we want to help promote that. We're gonna put the information in our show notes and get it out to the community.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

Yeah, the it's not currently available on streaming. They hope to have it available. Like it's still showing at film festival. But if you go to the Dad Jean's website, there's a list of like upcoming showings.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

But yeah, somewhere along the line, we became a couple. And so, like our shtick at parties is hi, we're Aaron and Jessica, and here's our 15-year-old daughter Alice. And we we met when she was 12.

Kendall 15:02

Yeah, I love it.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

That gets people interested in how the heck that worked. And, you know, obviously at the meet your kids party, like a lot of Aaron's friends traveled to come and meet his kids because they've known him for 30 years. And I I saw that he had like, he had like his nursery school friends there. He had like girlfriends from when he was 12. It was extreme. He had like every person he'd ever been in a relationship with there. So we started out on such a good footing for okay, I'm not gonna mess this up for my children if we pursue this, because we did from the very beginning, have so much in common that we had done previously that maybe had to do with donating. And then when we met, we went through this other thing together, and it was all really easy to go through together.

SPEAKER_02 15:54

And we'd we'd corresponded, like we had chatted online chatted for months before meeting. And while it wasn't like dating chat really, we were so bonding.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Yeah. It was weird. Yeah, it was weird chat because I think when we finally were dating, it was still like we would go out and I would be telling him about his children.

Kendall 16:17

No, but I oh one, what a great thing to get to share stories about Alice. And that's just that's a gift.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

It is a gift. Today is starting to be like eight years in, where it's actually hitting you how the timeline plays out. Because the other day I had the thought for the first time, I was like, oh, but but you weren't there.

unknown 16:41

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:41

She was six, and it seems like you've been here, but you didn't actually like really raise her. You don't know how this turned into 11 to 15. Now she's 20 now. But it is interesting. We did it backwards, is our DNA surprise and our story is that it's weird getting to know this person that has all the mannerisms of the people you love most in the world. Look at him as a person and see if you really like him for him.

Kendall 17:09

Exactly. Which is what I think every adult child needs to do anyway. They have to figure out if they are gonna be friends with their parents. It's just it's a bit unique for you.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Most people don't have to think so much about how they're going to do that and what the expectations are around that.

Kendall 17:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

Uh another thing a lot of people want to know about is like my relationship with Alice. And again, we're both pretty reserved people, and for probably longer than maybe it would go for most people. Like Jess was very much or into feeding area. We pretty much only spend time together if Jess is pressing.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

They're the identical sides of the Oreo. I have to be the icing holding this thing together.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

That's funny.

SPEAKER_02 18:01

It was a bit awkward at first, and Alice is very resistant to the idea that I am her parent and resents when people like make assumptions about that. And and I also don't view her as my daughter, really. Like the we've talked about it a lot, and like Alice and I have become close. We get along really well. We're very similar people in a lot of ways.

SPEAKER_01 18:31

And I feel like if I did die today, they would just continue sitting on this couch for the next 60 years together. But Alice hopefully she would have sort of like you maybe not, but Al I think a huge social part of Alice's story is people come at her and are just like, that worked out for you. You just got to trade out your bad mom. For this one that's real. And she's she will never let her mom off that hook. My mom's a jerk, but she's just clearly my mom. And all you kind of homophobic people who are like, oh feel, a real daddy, are really missing an important piece of this story. So I think that's how she comes at it, like alone with Erin. I feel like that's like the best sort of step parent relationship.

unknown 19:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

And that's what it looks like.

SPEAKER_02 19:18

Yeah, that's what it feels like. Because I'm stepdad. I get it.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

It's hard to come in when someone's 11. That's not realistic. And the first decade of your life is really when you form those ideas about what your family is.

Kendall 19:34

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

And they they're not swappable. I had this like sham stuffed shamu and it got lost and it got swapped for a new one. And that was not my shamu.

Kendall 19:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

Imagine that on the scale of this is your parent. It's just it doesn't work that way.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Shamu too.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

And I think it's a testament to everyone, at least involved in our story, that even with some of that external media pressure to make it look that way, everyone's just we're just rolling with it. It's fine. Everything is fine as it is. Why would we just try to push this story that's not quite ever gonna be true?

Kendall 20:13

Yep. I applaud that because as an adoptee, I lost my parents when I was 10, my adopted parents. 30 years later, I found my biological family. And the number of my friends who have said, Oh, well, thankfully you found your family. I'm like, I also lost the original people. Those are actual people instrumental in my upbringing. And so I'm so happy that I found my biological family, but they're never going to replace my mom and dad.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

It's a different relationship, and it's good to have a relationship, but it's not the one you lost, and it's not going to be.

Kendall 20:54

I just tell them, shut up. You don't know what you're talking about. And these are even people who remember my parents, you know, who who grew up with me and say, Well, your parents would be so happy that you found well, I know that. I know. And I do I have documents. My my mother, before she passed away, had written a note to my biological mother hoping that I would find her something. So I knew I had their support, but still doesn't make it. I'm not going to forget about them. Yeah. Thank you both so much for coming on and telling your very interesting story.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

Thanks so much for having us.

Kendall 21:29

Absolutely. And we'd like to stay in contact and just see if things develop. I mean, how many children have you found now, Aaron?

SPEAKER_02 21:39

Twitter. Wow. Interestingly, you know, the first four I met, Bryce, Maddie, Alice, and Emily, are the only ones I've met. Interesting. And they were the ones most interested in meeting and connecting. Of the other ones, like I've had at least. Some contact with almost all of them. I think there's one or two situations where I've had contact with one sibling, but not the other. But my position has always been like I am willing to be in contact. So like when I find a new one, or if someone contacts me, I always write back and tell them I'm open to contact, I'm open to meeting. But in all those other situations, the correspondence has always just kind of petered out after a while and okay. That's fine.

Kendall 22:37

As someone who has never spoken to his birth mother, I appreciate that you put yourself in that vulnerable position because as a child, you just want that chance. Even if the child doesn't take that opportunity, you've offered it. And that I think is huge. Yeah, I think you're doing that's a good thing, and you're it's not easy. We it's not simple for you to say, here's another person to add to my life, but it's I think it's responsible, and I'm sure the children appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 23:12

Oh, I should mention Jess Alice and I did have a Zoom conversation with a family that had three of my children. Wow. And this was during COVID, I think, and when everyone was doing Zoom things. And we had a nice conversation with them for like a for like an hour. They look cool. And after that, we didn't really keep up with them.

SPEAKER_01 23:34

Though one of them got very into genealogy and then had some correspondence with the that one's my bat favorite because that one, me and that one, we've been doing search angeling together.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

Yeah, my product Jess has really gotten into being a DNA. Finding our no death.

Kendall 23:52

I want to start doing that too. I feel like it's a way I can give back. I yes, it took me 47 years, but when I found my family, it happened very quickly. And I feel pretty fortunate that it it happened within three weeks. I found both sides of the family.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

Yeah.

Kendall 24:09

It was a make and a lot of people don't have that experience and really struggle. And yeah, so I I think it's wonderful to be a DNA angel. Very cool. Corey, I'm sorry he couldn't be with us.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

Give Corey my regards. It was nice meeting him at the conference.

Corey 24:26

There's a line in here that kind of says it all without saying it directly. This isn't about replacing anyone. And you could feel that in how everyone's handling it. Aaron's showing up, but he's not forcing himself into a role. Alice is setting her own boundaries very clearly. Jess is doing the work of keeping things grounded and real, which is not a small job in a situation like this. And then you zoom out and realize there are 20 plus people connected to this one decision Aaron made in his 20s, and every single one of those relationships is going to look a little different. Some connect deeply, some don't, some stay in touch, some drift. And that's the reality. Honestly, that's what makes this feel so real. Nobody's trying to force a perfect ending onto it. They're just letting it be what it is. And then there's the whole Erin and Jess piece of this, which is just a family twist moment. You can't script that, and even if you did, people would say it's unrealistic. But it works because it's crowded in everything you just heard. It grew out of the situation and didn't try to clean it up. Aaron and Jess, we really appreciate you both coming on and sharing your story. There's a lot in here, and I think people are gonna see themselves in different parts of it. And definitely check out Dad Jeans. We'll have the info in the show notes so you can track it down while it's making the festival rounds. Alright, we'll see you next time, and remember, Family Secrets are the ultimate plot twist. The Family Twist Podcast is presented by Sabois Fair Marketing Communications and produced by Mosaic Multimedia.