“You Don’t Get to Tell Adoptees How to Feel”

What happens when you spend more than 40 years sensing something about your life doesn’t add up… only to discover you were right all along?

In this deeply emotional and unforgettable episode of Family Twist, Corey and Kendall sit down with Dr. Syb, a late discovery adoptee whose world changed forever just before her 42nd birthday. What began as a lifetime of unanswered questions became a journey through adoption secrecy, grief, rage, identity, reunion, and ultimately, healing.

Dr. Syb shares the shocking moment she learned she was adopted after decades of feeling different from everyone around her. She opens up about discovering that nearly everyone in her family already knew the truth, the emotional fallout of uncovering long-buried secrets, and the devastating reality that both of her biological parents had already passed away before she found them.

But this conversation goes far beyond DNA tests and paperwork.

Together, they explore the emotional impact of adoption trauma, the pressure adoptees often face to “just be grateful,” and the importance of allowing adoptees, NPEs, and donor-conceived people to fully process their anger, grief, and confusion without judgment.

Dr. Syb also discusses:

•  The healing power of adoptee community and therapy 
•  How music, movement, and dancing helped her process trauma 
•  Why adoptees deserve agency over their own stories 
•  The dangers of family secrecy and hidden truths 
•  Reunion experiences with both maternal and paternal relatives 
•  Why telling the truth matters before it’s too late 

This is one of the rawest and most honest conversations we’ve ever had on Family Twist, and Dr. Syb’s voice is one that will stay with listeners long after the episode ends.

If you’re navigating adoption, a DNA surprise, NPE discovery, donor conception, or complicated family secrets, this episode will make you feel seen.

And remember, family secrets are the ultimate plot twist.

Transcript

Kendall 0:00

Hi everyone, it's Kendall. Welcome back to Family Twist, the podcast where we explore DNA surprises, adoption, donor conception, MPE discoveries, and all the ways family secrets can completely reshape a life. Today's conversation is one that Corey and I have been thinking about after we stopped recording. We're joined by Dr. Sib Brown, an adoptee journalist advocate, and honestly one of the most powerful voices we've had on this show. Corey first met Dr. Sib at the Untangling Our Roots conference, where they immediately connected over the shared experience of navigating adoption, identity, and the emotional fallout that can come from discovering the truth later in life. Dr. Sib opens up about discovering in her early 40s that she was adopted after spending her entire life feeling like something didn't quite add up. What follows is a deeply honest conversation about secrecy, rage, grief, reunion, identity, and what it really means to reclaim your own story after decades of lies in silence. This episode goes to some intense places. We talk about adoption trauma, family betrayal, reunion, healing, and the ways our bodies carry pain long after the truth comes out. But we also talk about resilience, music, community, chosen family, and finding your voice after spending years being told to stay quiet. And honestly, one thing that really stuck with me is how unapologetic Dr. Sib is about adoptees having the right to feel exactly what they feel. Anger, gratitude, grief, joy, all of it can exist at the same time. So settle in for a really powerful conversation. And remember, family secrets are the ultimate plot twist.

unknown 1:45

Dr.

Corey 1:46

Sib, welcome to the Family Twist Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.

Corey 1:52

So if you don't mind recapping a little bit of like how we met, I it was at the Untangling Our Roots Summit in Atlanta, and I kind of crashed your lunch.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

You did not crash. Everyone was welcome. We have a group called the Adoptee Sisterhood, and many of us had never met. So that was the very first time we were meeting face to face. We have a monthly meeting to support one another. There's such a small handful of African-American, same-race adoptees, as well as some biracial adoptees, but many of the members are the same race. And we support one another in everything we can because, again, just the unique perspectives, right? You do the layers. You got the adoptee piece, you got the African-American piece, you've got the female piece, you've got all these different and domestic finding same-race adoptees within the black community. There were fewer because mostly in that community were kinship. And our community is kinship adoptions. And many were off the books. Somebody would just come in and take somebody else's child and nobody would know any different. And back then, birth certificates were readily changed. If you had one, because a lot of people born with midwives don't have them either. So it's interesting as we're in the country talking about this birthright conversation. I said, Bebe, this isn't going to go the way you think it's going to go when people go up in that addict and realize their grandparents don't have birth certificates. Great. Absolutely. So anyway, but yes. So we met Corey at the Untangling Our Roots conference, and we were at the table, and Corey asked, could he join us? And of course, we said yes, because he had just a beautiful spirit. And at the time I knew we would keep in touch. And Kendall, I couldn't wait to meet you as well. Oh, thank you.

Corey 3:38

How did your group get started?

SPEAKER_00 3:42

I joined a year a couple years later, so they just met each other at different events, conferences, through writing groups, etc. And as each one met, it just was built.

Corey 3:55

All right. So you had a discovery in your early 40s.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Let's dig into that. Okay, you skipped for one moment. Yeah, I couldn't hear your core.

Corey 4:10

Yeah, I think I'm not. I don't but the internet's active funky right now. I don't know what's going on. Can you hear me now bet better? No?

SPEAKER_00 4:19

Yes. Right now we can.

Corey 4:20

Better? Okay. All right. So I asked, you had a bit of a surprise in your early 40s. Can we start to dig into that?

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Absolutely. So I grew up in a suburb of Chicago in between Milwaukee and Chicago. The city is North Chicago. It's not the north side of Chicago. It's a city. North Chicago by the Great Lakes Naval Base and Joaquegan, Illinois. I thought I was a boring kid. I thought I was a boring little working-class Navy brat. No claim to fame. And more recently, I remembered I was in my townhome back in 2009, and I said aloud, my life is boring, God. Give me something to write about. Wow. It wasn't earth-shattering at that time because I always felt adopted. I knew I didn't look like anyone. I asked questions when I was a kid. I said, I know I'm adopted. Tell me the truth. One relative used to jokingly say, Yes, we found you on the doorstep. A cat put you on the doorstep. But there was never an honest response. Even when the blood tests, so you did your parents' blood type in school. I went to Catholic school. I'm assuming my mother got to them and told them I wasn't doing that assignment because I asked her about blood type and she said she had a blood transfusion, as if that would change your blood blood type. As a kid, I believed it. So anyway, so day before my 42nd birthday, I find out I'm an entirely different person. And I think, Kendall and Cory, what's so profound is when it comes to adoption and adoptees, we really are in a different class. We're treated differently. Anyone else that has a betrayal, when you're lied to, secrets, betray, it is a betrayal, no matter how good your life was in your adopted family, no matter how successful you may be, it started with a betrayal. It was built on a lie. The foundation is not solid. And I think people really need to sit with that and stop having the audacity and unmitigated gall to tell someone else not to be offended. When your loved one cheats on you, you're upset, right? What if I told you get over it? So what that person cheated on you, and oh, you'd be crunchy and salty. So I'll stop there and let you keep asking the question.

Corey 6:39

So did everybody in the family know except for you?

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Yes, pretty much. So allegedly, some of my cousins, my first cousin. So my father was the youngest of ten children. So with him being the baby, my first cousins were 20 years older than I am. And I'm assuming most of them knew. As soon as I found out, I called two relatives. They responded the same way. Both of them said, Who told you mama's gonna kill them? Your mama's gonna kill them. So that was the response that I received. So it wasn't a secret to most people in the family. It was just a secret to me.

Kendall 7:18

Was it just your did was your were you adopted by both parents, or was your mother your biological mother?

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Oh, Kendall, that's a juicy question. You want a fun answer? I'm gonna give you the fun answer since you asked a good question. Growing up, my friends, when I told my friends I was adopted, none of them were surprised. They thought my mother was my stepmother. They thought I was my father's illegitimate child. But none of that was true. I had no blood relation to my adoption family at all. Got it. So I was adopted from the Salvation Army hospital for unwed mothers 45 minutes from where I grew up. It was altered. This is what people don't understand about adoption. It is a form of slavery. It is. You may not, you don't like those words. It is. Would you rather been aborted? Wrong question, geniuses. Wrong question. I would rather have been with my biological mother if that was possible. But they amend your birth certificate. So my birth certificate says I was born at Cook County Hospital, not at the Salvation Army Hospital for Unwed Mothers. So I legally have to agree with this lie. I don't have a choice. To erase it erases me, I really don't exist.

Kendall 8:34

Wow. I feel exactly the same way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

Yeah. So how did you end up fortunate? And Kendall, I know you've probably oh go ahead, Corey. No, no, no, please. Go ahead. Yes. No, I was just gonna ask Kendall a little bit about his story because I didn't get to meet Kendall.

unknown 8:51

Yeah.

Kendall 8:53

So I always knew I was adopted. My parents from the I don't ever remember not knowing. They told me when I was two. And but to your point, I always thought when I looked at my birth certificate, I always thought it was so strange. I would even show it to my mom and say, You didn't give birth to me. Like, why does this say that you're the woman who gave birth to me? And I know she was funny. She's yeah, I've never been in St. Vincent's Infirmary, which is where I was born. But yet that wasn't changed. That's legally where I was born. But it's just it is. It's it's it feels strange to have those lies and you rely on it for the rest of your life. You don't have a choice.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

Yep. I'm like, I didn't have a choice in anything.

unknown 9:45

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

And even when I found out and I was enraged, it took me a while to get to this place, obviously. But initially, everybody get over it, be grateful. Everybody wanted to put their mouth on my experience. This is my story, not yours. That's right. And I have the pen now. I have the pen. So whatever you think, keep it to yourself. I don't care.

Kendall 10:02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

I really don't. Other than if I'm helping someone else. Now I do care about helping other people that I care about. I mean, how to feel about betrayal and deception at the cellular level? This goes to my cells. This altered my body. So, Corey, what are you gonna ask me? Continue.

Corey 10:20

I was going to ask, how did you get to the bottom of the truth?

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Once I uncovered that bit of information and my mama, and that's who she is, mama is mama. No explanation needed. When I say mama, everybody knows who I'm talking about. So when I finally got my mother to share mama, she said, she told me that my mother was a teenager. She told me my father was in college. What was strange was everything was true. I was expecting lies because often, unfortunately, with adoptees, information is altered so the adoptee won't know who they are. In my case, all of my documents, everything was accurate as it could be. And so I was very fortunate in that regard. So when my mother gave me that tidbit of information, at the same time as God, divine order would have it, Illinois opened up their adoption records. So with me being in Illinois, I was able to petition the court in 2011 to get my original information. Once I received it, I Googled my mother's name. I found it immediately on the internet, death certificate. So at the time, I didn't want to believe it because in the back of my head, oh, they fabricate records. My records are not true. This is not accurate information. But it was true. So that led me to make a phone. I was on Ancestry also. I got on Ancestry in 2017. So this discovery was 2010, got my original birth certificate 2011, and then fast forward to 2017 because at the time my adoptive mother didn't want me to search because we're your family. And so of course I didn't want to hurt them. That's the burden of the adoptee. Not bothering anybody, not hurting anybody, not causing anybody else discomfort, even though I'm uncomfortable. Seven years to search. And by the end of 2017, I had confirmed that was indeed my mother who was deceased. And by the way, for all of you who are hiding information from people, it's a horrid experience to realize your biological mother's deceased and you'll never get to see her, hug her, hear her voice. Not to say the reunion would be perfect. Bless you, because some reunions I know don't go well, but it's an ugly feeling when you realize I will never get to hear my mother's voice unless somebody can find a recording, which I'm praying somebody does. Okay. So that was 2017 going into 2018. So I reconnected with my maternal side at that time. And I was very fortunate. My biological grandmother was alive for two years. So I did get to meet her. I have other family. I'm very specific now about not mentioning family members specifically. I just say family and relatives. Because people don't want to be a part of your story until you succeed.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

And then they're not going to be welcome. If you're not part of my journey now, and I'm worried about what you're going to say about me and all that, when this stuff blows up and really gets going, don't call me. And I'm saying that on every broadcast so people understand that. If you're not in the trenches with me, and I don't mean tolerating me, I mean loving me, accepting me, sincerely being with me. Okay, so that's maternal side. I found relatives, found sibling, very excited. That worked out extremely well. There are some maternal family members who are protecting the family legacy and name in their own mind, which is ridiculous. Their allegiances to the dead, and I will leave them at the gravesite with the dead. Yep. I'm here. I'm a journalist. All I've ever wanted was my story, the truth. And I've been fortunate to find it. So through ancestry, through paperwork, I was able to find my mom. And again, she's deceased. She died way back in 1984. I was 16. And she passed at the age of 33. So happy 75th heavenly birthday to my birth mother. And I will always honor her because I wouldn't be here without her. And she did every prenatal appointment. I've got all those records. I was very fortunate. So I know she took care of me and I know she wanted me. It was a family member who got rid of me. She was 17. Had she turned 18, she probably would have kept me. All right. So that's the maternal side. Paternal side, fast forward to 2021. So it took a while to figure that part out through ancestry. And I ended up finding a beautiful family. And I had to go down seven family lines. So there were 10 children. Seven of the 10 children had children. So we had to go one by one asking people to take DNA to prove my identity. And they did. And so I was able to identify my biological father in 2021 and discovered four uncles at that time. One is now deceased, but four beautiful uncles and aunt. My grandmother again, my paternal grandmother is still alive at 93 years old. Wow. My father was deceased in 1980. So I found two graves when it comes to biological parents. And so I implore people who are keeping secrets, don't do that to people. Give them a chance to meet their biological parents. Give them that opportunity. Grow up. Stop being so immature. It's a control freak. All you're showing is narcissistic tendency when you're manipulating and controlling somebody else's life.

Kendall 15:35

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Those are both sides, maternal and paternal. So I'm in reunion with both sides, have very healthy relationships with quite a few people on both sides. And I finally learned just to look at the blessings what I have, not what I lost. Is mama still with us? My mama, no, mama passed in December of 2023. And that's another story. I have so many stories, Corey and Kendall, within stories. It's ridiculous. I couldn't script from me sitting in my townhome saying I'm boring to this, it's just mind-blowing. So my mama passed December of 2023, two days before my 55th birthday, the same day, my daughter graduated from college. So in 24 hours, I had a birthday, a graduation, and a funeral. Wow. Because a family member put the funeral the next day. So yeah. Wow. Which is another adoptee struggle that when you are not part of a biological family and there are biological relatives involved, sadly, a lot of times they want to throw the adoptee away. Because the only person that wanted me was my mother, possibly my father, right? My mother was the one that had the infertility issues. My father was appeasing her, I think. I don't know if he ever really wanted children because the way he acted. Did he take care of us? Yes. He provided, yes. Did he spend time with us? Yes. Was I said to be the apple of his eye? Absolutely. But even in all of that behavior, actions, you look back and you go, did these people really want to have kids? Mom, yeah, for sure. Mama sacrificed all. She really did. Did the best she could. She was born depression-era, both of them depression-era parents. As my sibling that I gained through this beautiful process said, the two of us were raised by the silent generation. We should have been raised by baby boomers. But because the baby boomers weren't available, we were raised by silent generation. And so that's a whole different mindset. And I'm thankful because at this point I have survival skills because if nothing else, silent generation taught people how to survive.

Kendall 17:56

Absolutely right. Yeah. So mama didn't want you to my story too.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

My adopted parents. Go ahead, Kendall. Can you hear me, Corey? Yeah.

Kendall 18:15

Oh, I was just saying that my adoptive parents could have been my biological parents. Yes, you know, they my my mom and dad were born in 33 and 34, but then my biological parents were both born in 1954. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

Yes, same. Mine are my mom and daddy were 1930 and 1932, and then my biological parents were 1949 and 1951.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

Same.

Corey 18:46

Wow. Sorry, Court. That's okay. So yeah, I'm just still having internet. I can see I'm having internet issues, but so you mentioned that Mama said she didn't really want you to search, but you did end up searching before she passed. So what was that? What did that do to the relationship with mama?

SPEAKER_00 19:08

It was never the same. And it's unfortunate. And we were really close, but again, are we close because of Stockholm Syndrome? Are we close because of all these other reasons? I gotta control you, I gotta control the narrative, I gotta keep you close. Because there's there's more signs in there that I'll be talking about very soon, more in my book, finally. That's took taking 15 years to get that process through my body. But she did not like it. However, she came with me. I included her because I told her, I said, You are mama. I don't know anybody else. I need you there. So she actually met my grandmother. Um and another relative said they knew each other. We can't prove it. But another relative saw the interaction and said they they knew each other, they know each other. Because my mom, very good person, but may not warm up immediately to a female. Men she warmed up to very easily. She wasn't loose, but she got along with boys better than girls. So for her to have held hands, I've got a beautiful picture of my mama holding my grandmother's hand. And they're smiling at the camera. And neither one of them were known to smile that much. So it was almost like we got away with it. We almost got away with it. That type of, but I'll never be able to prove one way or the other. And then so mama met my maternal side. She didn't get to meet my paternal side. So my mom's side, she did meet, dad's side, she didn't.

Kendall 20:37

Amazing.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

Eh? That's why I said as far as stories go, I was very, I was so fortunate. And this wasn't me 10, 15 years ago, you guys. I was furious. The rage, and people want to force you through rage. Adoptees, you have a right to your rage. You have to let it process. Hiding it, people tell you get over it, this, that, and the third, tell them to jump. Yep. Give yourself time, give yourself space. That was a 15-year process between 2010 and 2025. That was my wilderness. And so this is a lot healthier, obviously. But when I was in the midst of it, trying to force me to see it your way to make you comfortable, I'm not doing that anymore. My comfort matters. I have a right to my agency, I have a right to my story, I have a right to my life and to process it as I feel it. Because part of it was growing up, especially with the silent generation and this non-adoptees and adoptees alike, silent generation don't cry, get up, move on, get over it. You can only shove down so much before it really does explode.

Corey 21:52

Yeah. So what was it that uh helped you along the healing path? Was it finding the creity? Or something else.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

It was everything. It was time. It was a therapist. It was the adoptee support group. It was Sarah Easterly's writing group. I like I said, I am almost a textbook case of if you go through this, hopefully it'll end up like this. That's my situation. And I realized that is not every adoptee. We're on a continuum. Some adoptees are in that pre-encounter stage where nothing has triggered them to understand adoption affects you even when you have the best circumstances. Some are in that encounter stage. I went through that where I immersed myself. I read every book by Nancy Verrier and Betty Lifton and Jennifer Diane Ghostin. And I went on her podcast. That was the first podcast I did once upon a time at Adopt E-Land. And so doing podcasts, doing the writing group, doing the support group, praying, exercising, realizing again, the body does keep the score and understanding the vagus nerve. So learning the breathing techniques, the grounding techniques, walking, dancing. So I'm a Chicago stepper. It's an eight-count dance. It's aching to square dancing because you're doing it with a partner and there's variations and there's levels. And right now I've finally healed enough in terms of my trauma to feel my body, to be able to feel music. Because I was having trouble processing because everything's locked up in anger, rage, hurt, shame, dread, guilt. All these emotions have to be processed out of your body. So moving is paramount for people who have trauma, especially adopte-e trauma, MPE trauma, other events where you get a shock to your system and your whole body seizes and locks up. So it was a process of all of these things. Reading, like I said, understanding it. I had to understand it intellectually because my safe place was in my mind because my body wasn't safe. So I've always overworked this because I couldn't trust this.

Corey 24:03

Well, Kendall, do you have any other questions before we get to our classic final question?

Kendall 24:10

No, I just want to applaud your approach. I embrace it so much. And I people do need to family members of adoptees need to hear that we deserve our feelings. And however we want to process them is valid. I struggle with that in my biological family.

SPEAKER_00 24:35

It's grief, right? It's a form of grief. And everybody grieves differently. And I've had to learn that. I'm at a funeral, I'm stoic. I'm just like, yeah. Now, if somebody I care about starts crying and that might affect me, maybe. Yeah. But because I grew up again silent generation, we didn't cry a lot. So I'm still hurting, but you may not be able to see it.

Kendall 24:54

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Whereas another family member may openly weep and mourn differently. And that there's nothing wrong with that. The challenge is when it comes to adoptees, people want to shove the gratitude mantra on us so quickly that we don't get a chance to have our, again, our own agency, our own autonomy to feel our own emotions. Yeah. I can be thankful and pissed. Yep. And I was. I was thankful and angry. The anger has subsided. There are some things that'll trigger you in frustration. But the rage, because I felt, you guys, I felt so much rage. It was like feeling like the incredible Hulk. Because people kept lying. Even though I was finding the truth, it was, why are you doing that? You're penalized for finding the truth. We didn't want you to uncover that while we were living. Right. We wanted to die, and then you find it after I'm gone. Really? Like, do you understand how much carnage you leave behind when you do that to people? And a lot of people do that. Again, that's beyond adoptees. That's people trying to hide. And here's something really quickly before we go to that last question. Tell your own story. And here's why. Even if you write it and put it in your will, tell your story. Because your enemy, the sister-in-law that doesn't like you, or the brother-in-law that doesn't like you, or the cousin, whoever it is, sibling, whoever it is that does not like you is going to tell your story for you. And that narrative may not be fair, full, andor accurate because the last one standing can't wait to tell the truth. They've been holding it because you're living. Soon as you close your eyes, that person is blabbing it as fast as they can. And you owe it to adoptees, MPEs, donors conceived. You owe it to them so they can hear your truth. And don't fabricate it either just because you're dead, you're putting a will in lie. Tell the truth for once in your life.

SPEAKER_04 26:49

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

Just for once. Just be honest. It is what it is.

unknown 26:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Don't make it something else. So that was something I did want to share.

Kendall 27:01

Thank you. Go ahead, Kendall. Oh no, I think I think I just wanted to say what I said. I think it was.

Corey 27:09

No, I know. I was gonna let you ask the question.

Kendall 27:11

Oh, oh. So the Corey and I are such big music people. There's music playing in our home 24-7. In fact, the doors closed behind Corey, but if he opened it, you'd hear the music coming from the breakfast room. And so we rely on it a lot, uh ourselves, to get us through things. And so we always ask people if there were when you were going through it, and you had 15 years to consider, but when you were really going through it, did you have a certain genre or artist or song or that you really think of as reminiscent of that time?

SPEAKER_00 27:57

The very first song that came to my mind before you even finished asking the question was Whitney Houston's didn't know my own strength. I crashed down and I tumbled, but I did not crumble because I didn't know my own strength. I had to pull myself up, I had to get up. So that was one of them, Whitney Houston for sure. And then just music that I enjoy. I'm such an 80s baby. So I would do Michael Jackson, Prince, Whitney, Cindy Lauper, Luther, Journey. It just would depend on my mind sticks. We had good music, I'm telling you. We did people keep calling the 80s classic. They need to because that music, bar none, and it was black, white, blue, green, it was everything in between. And we listened to all of it. Yep. Because the radio played it all. Yep. So that they paid for, of course, through payola, but that's a whole other discussion. But we did get a potpourri of music. It wasn't just a streaming service where you had one artist and that's all you listened to 24-7. So, but yeah, Whitney's music touched me deeply because she died in such a horrific way and too soon. And so that grief was definitely shared. And the ache in her voice singing, didn't know my own strength, and the other one, which is escaping me, but there were two that were right there together that I listened to quite a bit. It's funny when you can't think of it now, but I listened to it so much. I've I'm gonna have to peek at it. I'm gonna have to Google because it's driving me nuts. But it was the songs when the last album before she passed. Oh. And I'm Googling real quick. Oh yeah. No worries. So what music for you helped?

Kendall 29:29

Anything dance from the 80s. I'm the biggest Jody Watley fan that you've ever met. And got it.

SPEAKER_00 29:39

I could play I'm looking for a new kind of baby.

Kendall 29:45

We listened to it last night. That is just that helps my soul. And to your point, I needed to move. I needed to have fun and show out and just it saves lives, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 30:02

It does. It's like I'm gonna dance before I choke you. How about that? I look to you. I look to you, didn't know my own strength, and I look to you were two of the ones from Whitney, her final album that just resonate on such a deep level. Very and then another song, Stevie Wonder. I went through my Stevie Wonder phase. I could just listen to any of his music still to this day. And trying to think who else was just so helpful. Jill Scott music.

Kendall 30:31

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 30:32

Living my life like it's golden, trying to pull yourself out of those dark places. Erica Badu.

Kendall 30:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 30:38

So all of that was very therapeutic. Music. And like I said, dancing, the learning the eight count. So Chicago stepping isn't a six-count, eight-count type of dance. You learn the fundamentals and then they freestyle based on the fundamentals. But you got to have the foundation. And so understanding the art of that dance and really studying now more than I did. I was just kind of going through the motions and now just respecting the culture, respecting the depth of that dance, the evolution of it, whether it's from the bop through stepping, etc., and walking, stepping, bopping. And so it's I'm just thankful. I really am. Because like I said before, if you look at my previous, listen to my previous podcast, because most of the time it's podcasting, there was an edge to it. But like I said, just give people time. Give people space and grace. Space and grace. Everyone is in a different place in life. And people take things differently. And if you force your way onto someone else, you can do a lot more harm than good.

Kendall 31:42

Absolutely. Absolutely. And Corey, you know, I've got to give it one more shout out to Oscar Peterson. Completely different genre than 1980s. But because I knew I had the support of my adopted parents, but they weren't still around. I'll and Corey knows we listen to Oscar every day. But anyway, yeah, it just it makes me think of my parents. They introduced him to me. And yeah, that's one thing I love to go back to at least weekly, if not more often.

SPEAKER_00 32:23

See, that's Motown. So I listen to Motown a lot. So even with the Michael movie, listening to I'll Be There and I Want You Back. It took me back to being in our kitchen watching the black and white TV at that time. Midnight Special with Wolfman Jack.

Kendall 32:38

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 32:39

And I remember his beautiful head of hair. Because his hair reminded me of Chuck Woolry, if I'm remembering correctly. I need to look up to make sure my memory is sound. But just having those memories. Natalie Cole. My mother wanted to my mama wanted to name me Natalie. And so I was almost Natalie Monica as opposed to Sybil Monica.

Kendall 32:58

Very cool.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

You're just beautiful inside and out when we really appreciate you.

Corey 33:11

Yeah, Kendall, you might have to close us out because I think I'm just my connection's so bad. Are you with us? Yeah, you're both locked up.

SPEAKER_00 33:18

Okay, Corey's locked up.

Kendall 33:19

Yes, he is.

SPEAKER_00 33:20

There must be weather or something interfering with the Wi-Fi signal. Because you guys can edit, right?

Kendall 33:26

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Ironically, I'm in my office at work, and this I usually am the person who would have trouble, not Corey.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

You're clear. You are completely clear.

Kendall 33:37

Very strange. But what Corey was probably gonna say is will help promote your book. Will pardon me, will let you know when this is gonna be released. And that way, if you want to share it, you're welcome to.

SPEAKER_00 33:53

And I gotta get the developmental editor and all that. Um just now verbalizing because I'm close enough finally to even say anything. Because before people were rushing me. They wanted the book immediately. And I'm like, you can't understand the storm when you're in it. You gotta get out of the storm first. Right. And this type of storm takes a lifetime. It took a lifetime to get into it, takes a lifetime to get out of it, so to speak. Get on with it. You never get out of it, you get on with it.

Kendall 34:21

But thank you so much for taking the time and being with us and yeah, sharing your story. It's empowering.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

So I'm hopeful now that it is. Like I said, it was not pretty for a minute, but we're down the roadways.

Kendall 34:36

I've had my moments too.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, you don't want this life.

unknown 34:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

I wouldn't trade mine, by the way. I don't have any regrets, and I wouldn't change anything other than them telling me the truth sooner.

Kendall 34:48

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 34:49

That would be the only thing. Tell me the truth and get me an adoptee-centered therapist. Yeah. I forgot to mention that. Let me add that so you can put it in. One of the things that was very helpful for me was an adoptee-centered therapist. Having someone who understood adoption trauma, not adoption the industry, but for the adoptee. There should be a syndrome in psychology, but the psychologists refuse to label it. But there are characteristics that are common in many adoptees. You can't say all, but the characteristics are generalizable: the loneliness, the abandonment, the attachment issues, etc. All of that is well documented through adoptee memoirs and those who do research in this area. So it isn't some anomaly. When you separate a baby from its mother, there is an impact. You cannot separate a baby from its mother sooner than you wean a dog, a puppy from a dog. What you're doing is just unimaginable and it is harmful to the baby because the baby's safety and security depends on the mother. If the mother's dead or beyond rehabilitation, that's understandable. But if that mother is healthy and well and you're just getting rid of that baby because you're embarrassed, you slept with somebody's husband, had a child out of wedlock. Back in the 60s, a lot of white women were sleeping with black men and couldn't bring those biracial babies home. And so they got rid of them. Like I said, infidelity, teenagers being molested. Yes, all that did happen. But then in some cases, there were love stories where teenagers loved each other, got pregnant, and unfortunately the grandparents refused to keep the child. So there's all types of stories. Every story doesn't go back to your mama didn't want you. That is lazy. It's hurtful, it's harmful, it does not help, and in a lot of times it's not true. So keep your mouth off of adoptees because unfortunately, we're fair game in society because of the media portrayals, movie portrayals, film portrayals, etc., adoptees are open game. No, we're not. You're going to stop talking about us as if you know who we are. We don't even know who we are. We're trying to figure it out. So how dare you speak on my behalf or talk about me when you don't understand anything about my life? We're talking for ourselves. Adoptees are standing up, and you're going to listen whether you want to or not. Thank you. Okay, pumpkin. Perfect. Perfect.

Kendall 37:22

Thanks again. I don't know, Corey. Can you hear us?

SPEAKER_00 37:27

Corey, are you back in? We're tagging you. I don't know. Can you hear me?

Corey 37:33

I think it's just a connection. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Awesome.

Kendall 37:39

Yeah.

Corey 37:41

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

You don't always look like an apparition. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

I heard thank you so much. This has been great. Thank you guys.

Kendall 37:53

Yeah. Have a good day.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

So you too. So nice to me.

Kendall 37:57

Wow. Dr. Sib is just extraordinary. One of the things that hit me hardest during this conversation was hearing her talk about finally taking ownership of her own story after decades of everyone else trying to control the narrative for her. That line about, quote, I have the pen now is going to stay with me for a very long time. This episode is a reminder that DNA discoveries and adoption stories are never just about the names on paper or ancestry results. They live in the body. They affect identity, grief, relationships, trust, and the way people move through the world. And as Dr. Sibs said so beautifully, healing is not linear. Sometimes it takes years to move from rage to reflection. I also really appreciate her honesty about how important community therapy, movement, music, and other adoptees were in helping her survive and heal. For so many people listening, especially adoptees, MPEs, and donor conceived people, I think there's going to be something deeply validating in hearing someone speak this openly about these experiences. Dr. Sid, thank you for trusting us with your story, your wisdom, and your vulnerability. And to everyone listening, if today's episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need to hear it. These conversations matter. They remind people that they're not alone. We'll see you next time on Family Twist. And remember, family secrets are the ultimate plot twist.