Conscious Parenting: Ending Power Struggles, Triggers & Raising Emotionally Aware Kids with Katherine Sellery

What if the biggest parenting struggles… aren’t about your child’s behavior—but about how we respond to it?

In this powerful episode of Mom’s Brain Is a Coffee Stain, Kayla sits down with Katherine Sellery, founder of the Conscious Parenting Revolution, to unpack what it really means to parent with awareness, connection, and intention.

With over 20 years of experience in conflict resolution and coaching families, Katherine shares why traditional parenting rooted in obedience and control often leads to power struggles—and what to do instead. 

This conversation dives deep into emotional triggers, communication breakdowns, and how to shift from reacting to responding, even in the most challenging parenting moments.

In This Episode We Discuss:

• Why traditional parenting methods based on obedience and compliance often fail
• How to respond instead of react in stressful parenting moments
• Understanding emotional triggers and why we overreact as parents
• The difference between a reaction vs. an overreaction
• How to reduce power struggles with teens and kids
• Why children saying “no” is actually a healthy developmental skill
• Teaching kids to understand their inner world (feelings + needs)
• Moving from control-based discipline to connection-based parenting
• How to create a home where kids feel safe, heard, and respected
• Why curiosity is the key to better communication with your child

A Powerful Mindset Shift:

✨ The behavior you see is often just a surface-level expression of an unmet need
✨ Your child isn’t trying to make your life harder—they’re trying to communicate
✨ When we shift our perspective, we shift the entire relationship

Key Takeaway:

If you can move from “Why are they doing this?” to “What’s going on for them?”—everything changes.

Guest Information

Katherine Sellery
Founder of the Conscious Parenting Revolution

🌐 Website:
https://ConsciousParentingRevolution.com

📘 Free Book:
7 Strategies to Keep Your Relationship with Your Kids from Hitting the Boiling Point
https://consciousparentingrevolution.com/ebook/

Show Information

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📱 @momsbrainisacoffeestain

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https://Momsbrainisacoffeestain.Buzzsprout.com

Want to Be a Guest?

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https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/momsbrainisacoffeestain

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Welcome to Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain, the only podcast clinically proven to raise your blood pressure and your dopamine. I'm Kayla, Millennial Mom, current chaos coordinator of two spoiled giants who think budget is a TikTok sound. Today we're talking with Katherine Sellery, founder of the Conscious Parenting Revolution. Let's dive into the episode. Thank you, Kayla. I'm so happy to be here. Yes. So for parents who may be hearing your name for the first time, can you tell us a little bit about who you are and what led you to this work?

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Sure, happy to. So I'm the founder of the Conscious Parenting Revolution and I've been coaching parents about uh 20 years plus, working um mostly overseas. I lived in Hong Kong for 30 something years. My kids were born and raised there. And so um a lot of the work I did with my um community was because I was trying to find answers. And I was in that process of raising kids with so many like, wow, what do I do now? Or how am I going to handle that? Or what would be the best thing to do? I had no idea. I was a commodities trader who was uh in Asia because I spoke Chinese and had learned that in college. And whew. Uh yeah, raising a family turned out to be a lot harder than being a commodities trader.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Yeah, it might, it could be that way, huh?

SPEAKER_01 2:02

It was for me. It was for me. So I started um getting involved and just exposing myself to ideas and approaches to discipline. My background was in conflict resolution. Um, I'd gone to law school. I trained as a mediator as well. And I was used to negotiating with um, you know, people in corporate, but not trying to figure out how to reach a win-win with people that were a lot smaller and developmentally not as um equipped. Yes, you know, I wasn't comfortable with rewards and punishments, and that didn't sit with me. So I didn't know where else to go. So I had to look. Um, and then I got lucky, I guess you could say. I got to, you know, really be exposed to and trained with some of the greats. So that gave me the opportunity to really get involved. It became my passion, and I continued to trade for decades, but it became a little bit more in the background, and I became a little bit more um interested in communication conflict resolution and supporting families, just like me, who were at a loss for what the right you know approach would be.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

That's amazing. And you talk a lot about shifting conversations and rewriting the rules of parenting. What do you think isn't working in traditional parenting approaches anymore?

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Yeah, I think the biggest, you know, I mean, I grew up in a family where um it was a lot about because I said so, or they didn't even have to say that anymore. It was just really clear that if it came down from on high, if you didn't do it, you were disrespectful, or there was something about you. It became your character that was on the line. Right. Um and, you know, I didn't appreciate that. I didn't appreciate that. I also felt like I wasn't a particularly difficult kid. However, there were times when, you know, I would just submerge my own feelings and needs in order not to have to face the conflict from an adult and a parent who, of course, I didn't want them to look at me with anything but, you know, love and warmth. And that seemed to be at stake if there was any argument or there was any opinion other than theirs. So this is what I would call um, you know, there's there's a place for everybody to have a feeling in a room, not just the people with the most power. Yeah. And um I didn't grow up in that world. I don't think a lot of people did, because authoritarian parenting is just kind of the fallback position. And it's certainly all my parents ever were exposed to. Um, you know, they didn't have parents who had dug into the ideas behind what motivates someone to change their mind or what creates the atmosphere where people will be feeling more ease and harmony in their homes, which I think is behind everything, is people want ease and harmony, cooperation. I'm all for that. Um it's about how we get there.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

That that's the thing. It's about how we get there. And so I hadn't heard about things like um ageism. And I'd say I'm a bit of an expert on it now, but I didn't know then, and I certainly didn't know as a child that somebody may have a negative beauty just because I'm young. Uh I think we have to be really careful. And I just found through my own experiences growing up and my siblings that there was a lot of fear in our house. And fear really is traumatic to be around. Um, I didn't want anybody else to put their kids through that or for kids to go through that, or for parents to feel like that's their only option. Parents can get exasperated if they don't have another road or road map to be able to manage the pushback. But when we look at pushback and we experience pushback, has like, how does it make me as the one experiencing the pushback feel? And all the emphasis is always on my experience of somebody pushing back as opposed to, I wonder why they're pushing back. I wonder what's going on for them. You know, so it really is changing the conversation.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Absolutely. And speaking of changing the conversations, one of your core teachings is learning how to respond instead of react. Why is that so difficult for parents to do in the moment?

SPEAKER_01 6:47

I think, you know, it's good point, in the moment. I think people are stressed out. I pe people are just stressed out and they don't have a lot of ease in their life, and they don't have the space to be able to manage a lot of other people's feelings and needs aside from their own. Um, and they get snappy. And it's not out of being bad, it's just out of being stressed, which is why I think that when we look at how we spend our time, how much of our time do we just spend in child-directed activities where we, because there is a rule of thumb, 20 minutes a day, child directed, where we're just with each other, hanging out, having fun, no agenda. And that builds up um a kind of currency in a relationship. If we are devoid of the currency, then a lot of underlying unmet needs could be behind people's um experiences, including parents' unmet needs. So I always feel like, you know, it's that classic put the oxygen mask on you first situation. And if we are doing that consistently and creating balance in our lives as moms, dads, caregivers, then we have more bandwidth.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

Yeah, I I agree with that. Cause I think that when we look at parenting today, um, it's it's a lot different than parenting used to be. You know, back when I was growing up, we used to be like, come back when the street lights came on, you could walk down to your, you know, your softball practice yourself. Yeah. And, you know, I was fortunate and most of my friends were fortunate that one of our parents was still in the home always. Um, and one worked. So, but these generations, both parents are constantly working, um, or there might be it might be a single parent situation. And then you've got extra school activities, you've got homework, you've got you know, dinner and everything else. Yeah, there's so much to do. There's just so much to do. And when one little thing goes off kilter, I was just talking about this because we had a family situation come up, and my son's birthday was Tuesday. But last week we had a family situation come up and it has thrown everything out of whack. You know. Um well on Tuesday, you know, I said, screw it, we're sticking to the plan. The plan was we go to breakfast, we take you to get your tents, we go to the beach. We're sticking to the plan. That's what we're gonna do. So, you know, my son discovered why to hate the DMV because it took forever. Um, and but we sat there and we joked around, had a good time, and he got his temps, and you know, we went to breakfast and then we ended up going and getting lunch, and but we we had a a pretty chill day. That was the whole point of it. It was his birthday, it was his mental health day away from school. You know, we were we were sticking to that plan. We weren't we're focusing on all the chaos that has been thrown off. Um, and I think it's important to sometimes you have to do that. Sometimes, you know, the world is gonna be on fire no matter what you're doing. Um, but sometimes when it comes to your child, you just have to say, hey, me and you, we need to connect. You know, and it it can, it's hard to do that. I know because here I am still playing catch up. And do I regret telling my son, hey, it's your birthday, we're gonna just enjoy it and relax and do what you want to do? Absolutely not. Did it put me further behind? Yes, it did. Would I do it again? 100% because he's worked it. Like, you know, it's just one of those things. That's how you have to do it.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

I hear you. And it you I think, you know, I mean, I'm kind of a type A personality. Um, you know, I would say that visual noise kind of drives me crazy. I grew up with the motto in my house, there's a place for everything and everything in its place. And I mean, that's the thing about family values is that they do get passed down, you know, to us and to our kids. So I like things neat. And I can remember when my kids were really little, one of them had one of those um like little tents and it had all these balls in it, and they'd jump in and the balls and I would go pick them up every time. And a friend of mine happened to be there, you know, hanging out, probably with their little one too. And she was like, Are you really gonna do this? Like for the rest of the afternoon. I mean, do you see how like ridiculous this is? They're just gonna go everywhere again. And I was like, okay, I had to make a choice. I had to choose another value. Yep. And that I think happens. I chose to tolerate more visual noise in order to create um just a different dynamic where I was less irritated. And um, it took work. I now that my kids are older, I can have it the way I prefer it. And when they were smaller, I chose to close doors. And I could have gone in there, everything in me wanted to go tidy up. Oh, yeah. And I thought, if I do that, it's where I spend my time. I could go do that, or I could go do something where I'm having fun or being together or maybe getting my list done. Because, you know, sometimes the list never gets done. Um yeah, right. So it's choice. A lot of it is choice and overcoming and all that kind of stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:04

Yeah. And, you know, you talked about we pass down values through generations. There's other things we pass down too, such as emotional triggers. Um, and how do emotional triggers from our childhood show up in our parenting, even when we swear we won't repeat the same patterns?

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Yeah. So um the way that I experience it, and I I describe it to myself and to my my train in my trainings and things is that when a belief becomes hardened, it's so um, it's so fixed in our our like physiology and our mindset that we can't experience someone living into the opposite belief. So we get really triggered when other people uh are living into the opposite belief, more so with maybe our kids or our family members, and less triggered if we see someone who's not so close to us living into the belief that we were like made to think was not acceptable.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

So when we live around that other person who's who's experiencing that they can have a different belief than ours, it touches that little one in us that got in a lot of trouble if they were doing the behavior that we're now seeing, say, one of our kids do. So that was super dangerous, the behavior that they're living into. And maybe it's that, you know, it was like you say, okay, time for bed, and they get up and they start running around, and you find yourself running around after them, and for a little bit it's okay, and then it's not, and your head explodes. And you probably, you know, look back on yourself and think, wow, that was an overreaction. They were just being three, four, you know, they were just being them little cells. Boy, did I overreact. Um, what was that about? And I guess the ability to recognize that the response, let's say, I had was an over-reaction. It wasn't a reaction, it was over the top. And if I continue to like just hash it over and over and over inside of myself, that's also a clue that it was part of an overreaction. If I start calling everybody I know to tell them, like, you know, that little, you know, da-da-da-da-da, and keep trying to make that other person wrong, that's usually, you know, telltale sign that I'm in an overreaction. And it's not really about that one moment that I just went through. It is tying back to an a situation long before this one. Right. And that's what to me it is when we're triggered. There's a catalyst, that moment that we're having right now with that, you know, in this story at least, with a kid who's not doing what they were told to do. And that catalyzes some huge response inside of me that's disproportionate. And my response then to the situation is not effective. And that's part of like the trappings of an overreaction, is that it doesn't bring about helpful change. It actually brings about a breakdown. And some people don't overreact overtly, they overreact covertly, but they're both overreactions. Yeah. True.

SPEAKER_00 17:08

Makes perfect sense.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

And they're both ways that we find out something about ourselves.

unknown 17:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Even though we want to fixate on it was their fault. They did something wrong. Actually, they may or may not have. Their behavior may have been out of line. However, I was not in a reasonable state of mind. It tickled something in me that activated a much bigger response that wasn't even about that moment, even though I may want to go back in a regular situation when I'm not triggered and I'm trying to figure out like how to get them to go to bed or whatever the case may be. Um, the fact that I'm flying off the handle is evidence that I need to take, I need to figure out how to take care of me again.

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Absolutely. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. You got to recenter yourself and look at why you react the way you did.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

Regardless of what it was that catalyzed it. That makes perfect sense.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Catalyst is not the cause. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Yes. Yeah. What's a common trigger you see parents struggle with that often surprises them?

SPEAKER_01 18:22

I think that, you know, I think the main belief that most parents come up against is obedience and compliance. And so, you know, it's not necessarily something that someone thinks about and says, Yeah, I believe in obedience and compliance. I don't think so. However, we live our lives as though obedience and compliance is just the way that they the kids should be. They should behave. I think when people say, you know, I want my kids to behave, what they really mean is I want them to do what I I tell them to. Yeah. It's back to obedience and compliance. Right. The foundation for a discipline system that is grounded in obedience and compliance has within it part and parcel of that fear and dependency. Because usually you can't get people to be obedient and compliant unless you're threatening them. Yeah. And they're afraid of you. Or they're afraid of their access to need satisfying goodies or behaviors or activities. And if you have exercised that they won't have that anymore, then they will begin to fear that you're going to do that again. So I've got to do what they tell me to do, whether I want to or not. So that's one sort of paradigm. The other paradigm is that we, all of us on the planet, learn to be considerate of each other's feelings and needs and requests. So that the reason that I do it isn't because I'm afraid of you. In fact, I would never want that to be the motivation behind why someone cooperated. I would want the person cooperating to cooperate because they care, that they're considerate of my feelings and needs too, and that I've also modeled for them, that I care about them too. And that I'm also interested in what their requests are to, you know, satisfy and support them in meeting their needs as well. So it's a whole different paradigm. It's the paradigm shift that I'm all about, is why people behave the way they do and change their behavior. And it's important to me because if we teach children to be obedient and compliant, they have a very hard time discerning who not to be obedient and compliant to. If it's the person in the room that has the most power, they don't always have the most the best of intentions.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

They can be ill-intended. There's a lot of studies on child sexual abuse that will show you that a child who has learned to be obedient and compliant to an adult cannot necessarily figure out how not to be obedient and compliant to an adult.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Yeah, that that's one of those things where I always, you know, when we were growing up, it was always, you know, you tell a trusted adult, you tell a police officer, you ask for help, blah, blah, blah, like all these things, you know, and it was something that was important when I was raising at bringing my son up from when he was little. I would always tell we always told him, an adult will never ask you to keep a secret. Yeah. So an adult will never tell you to keep a secret from mommy. Never.

unknown 21:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

And if an adult says that to you, you should immediately tell. Mommy. Yeah. Because then they're not a trusted adult. And an adult, you know, like a stranger never needs your help with something. So if a stranger comes up to you and says, I need your help finding my dog, I need your help, you know, putting this tire wheel on, whatever. A stranger never needs your help with anything. I don't care how old they are, they don't need your help. You know, like in and these were just basic things of, you know, and now that my son is driving, well, he just got his temporary permit, but it's like I told him, you know, one of the important things to know is if you ever feel unsafe, and we told my stepdaughter this too when she was first learning to drive, if you're ever getting pulled over and you're you're not sure or you feel weird about it, it is okay to drive to a well-lit area and pull over there. You know, you are allowed to do that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

And that's all such good training and teaching. And I would say what we often don't realize is that we, as a parents and adults, don't realize that we think that a child should be able to all of a sudden find their no. No is not an easy thing to find.

SPEAKER_00 23:22

Nope, especially when they've been taught never to use it.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

Well, if you don't cultivate the ability for them to say no and be in touch with their inner sense of what's good, what's not good, what's okay, what's not okay, and it starts at home. So you have a child who wants to say no, and you make them go to their room for that. After a while, you will have trained them not to listen to their no. Yep. So that's terrifying.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

A hundred percent. I remember when my son was about six or seven, we took him for his annual physical, and the doctor wanted to check his genitalia just to make sure everything was, you know, as it's supposed to be down there. And my son said, No. And I said, Well, it's okay because mom's in the room and he is your doctor. He just needs to make sure everything is normal. And and the doctor said, I won't talk to you, you know, like I just need to see that everything is okay. And my son said, No. And I was like, Okay, well, what what what what is your problem with it? I had to figure out what his problem. He didn't want the female nurse in the room. Okay, well, she can leave. That's okay. So he knew his doctor, his doctor hadn't changed. He didn't know that nurse. So he was not comfortable with a strange woman being in the room and his pants being down. So he was absolutely the mom.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

And you were the mom who knew how to be listening to his no.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Exactly, because every year before that, he had never had a problem when the doctor needed to give him his young. But there was something different. So I knew there was a reason, but he he felt empowered enough to say, this is my body. I'm in control of who sees it.

SPEAKER_01 25:23

And I don't feel such a good story.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Exactly. And it's important to teach one, it like you said, with sexual predators and things like that, the power of the no, but it also helps them individualize. It helps them feel free to be who they are. Because if if you you have some kids who are, I'm a type A parent as well, where I'm very, we have uh this, this, and this to do, and I want my my kids to be a part of everything. But there comes a point where it's important for the child to be able to say, Hey, I'm at capacity, I no longer want to do this, or I would like to remove something off my plate. You know, and as a parent, I think it's important that we are able to receive that. And if it's, for example, like um my son, I don't want to take honors mathematics next year. I want to take advanced horticulture. I I I don't want to do the one, I would rather do the other. The mathematics is too much, I'd rather do this. I I my focus is more over here. Okay. Why? What's changed? I'm not saying no, I just want to know what's what's changed, you know? And hey, you know, this is just a lot on his plate, whatever. This is an easier class for him, plus he's more interested in it. Okay, I'm cool with that. It is good game plan, son. Way to make that swap, you know. But as a parent, we have to foster that ability for them to, like you said, say no.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Yeah. I think we do have to foster it and we have to cultivate it. And what's so interesting is that I mean, there's an overwhelming need on a lot of kids' parts to not feel like their safety, psychological safety is being affected. Um, so some kids are more autonomous and they're prepared to risk your disapproval as an adult, but there are a lot of kids who aren't. Um, and even those autonomous kids are going to begin to not know how to, and my daughter was so good, even at a really young age, like five. So she could say, Mom, I don't know how to talk to you about this with you, without you feeling like I'm winning and you're losing. But I don't want to feel like you're winning and I'm losing. So, what are we gonna do about that? So she could say that whole sentence. And now we're in uncharted territory where we're not even gonna talk about winners and losers. We're gonna talk about a problem, a situation, how we're gonna get through it, how I can listen to what's going on for her, like you just demonstrated with your son, and we can foster communication around a situation and talk about it like we would with anyone else. So again, we're back to children are people too. They have feelings and needs. We don't even realize the extent to which we have a negative view of children, back to the ageism, and that we project onto any sort of resistance as them being, I don't know, brats, maybe, or disrespectful. I mean, there are words used that are describing judgmentally our experience again of when things are not convenient for us. So when something becomes not convenient for us, we tend to point the finger at the person and say, you are not good. You are a little brat.

SPEAKER_02 29:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:13

Because you're making me feel this way. And then we blame them for our feelings as if they'd caused it, which is impossible.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

Right.

SPEAKER_01 29:20

And we start to live in the land of victim blame consciousness, and then we do something that we never thought we were doing, modeling that we're not responsible for our feelings and that our kids don't need to be responsible for their feelings either, and that they can blame their feelings on people on the playground, their schoolmates, us, other people, as if that's normal, or as if we believe that our feelings are in someone else's hands.

SPEAKER_00 29:48

Yeah, this is the I did this because you did that type mentality. And the reality of it is it's it's like when somebody apologizes and they say, Oh, I'm sorry I hit you. I was just mad when you said XYZ. Well, no, leave the apology at I'm sorry I hit you.

SPEAKER_01 30:12

Yeah, it's that difference of recognizing I'm blaming my action on your behavior without taking personal responsibility or accountability. So teaching accountability and agency comes with being responsible for wow, I was in an overreaction. And I just responded to what you did as if I have no choice, as if you activated me to do my behavior when I could have chosen another behavior. And wow, you know, this is so big though. So big. I used to sit at the table when my daughter was young. She's now getting her PhD in clinical psychology. Um, so she's she's a uh 20-something, mid-20s. And gosh, I mean, just I learned so much from her, from what she's choosing to do. And she'll say to me, you know, mom, there's a study about that. And I was like, I didn't know that. Um, so you know, she's the academic in the family. Um but we used to talk with she, she and her little girlfriends when they were little kids. Because the idea that when my feelings arise because of this catalyst, that those two are connected is so prevalent in the consciousness of children because it's so prevalent in the consciousness of adults. Yes. So we have to recognize that there's something about the way in which we were brought up that perpetuated this lie, that we were not responsible for our feelings because chances are we got blamed for our parents' feelings. And nobody was there saying, Oh my God, I can't believe I'm blaming you for how I feel as if you caused it. There was nobody there saying that. And so we didn't have the ability to discern that, yeah, there is a difference between the cause and the catalyst. And lo and behold, I really need to master that. Because I have spent my whole life blaming other people for how I feel as if they caused it.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

Absolutely. And, you know, we talked a little bit about power struggles. And I know raising teens, it can, it can definitely feel like a power struggle to to sometimes to just feel heard, you know. Um walk us through one simple tool or mindset shift that can help reduce that feeling of a power struggle in a home. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

So I think that you know, power struggles don't have to exist with your teenager. And I would say that when we find ourselves in that dynamic where we're feeling I think you're right, like not seen or heard, not understood, like you're not getting my point. And and chances are they're not, right? But I always think here's the fastest way for them to listen to you. Stop repeating yourself. Put yourself in the listener state of mind and try to get what their point is. What where is the resistance coming from? So if you have that conflict, you've got, you know, this battleground, both sides are usually feeling the same thing. If I'm feeling like you don't get me, they're feeling like you don't get them. So if you want to have them get you and you want to get them, you show them the way. You gotta keep remembering you are the model. I mean, you really are the model. They're watching you to see how this is done. They don't know. Um, I mean, they don't know that we don't know. So we have to learn it. And we we weren't listened to as kids, probably.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

We were to feel like we had to behave. And if something arose within a parent that made them feel upset or angry, it was because of what we'd done, which was usually a lack of cooperation or having an opinion.

SPEAKER_02 34:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:15

Which was not allowed. It was forbidden. Children are to be seen and not hurt. So it was not a land of children or people too and have feelings and needs. Oh my God, no. So, you know, this new landscape, whatever you want to call it, maybe it's not that new, but it's not prevalent of just basically treating children like they are um worthy of our love, respect, and understand it, regardless of the fact that their emotional maturity is at whatever level it is. Anyone of any age that we are able to show respect to in the sense, when I use that word, it's such a dangerous word. But what I mean to me is to give them the benefit of the doubt, to keep ourselves in check that we're not having some filter and consciousness around the, you know, making them wrong or bad, a negative view of them, as well as recognizing that no matter what their age, the sooner that they become familiarized with the fact that they have an inner world. It's the inner world that guides their outer world behavior. The sooner that they begin to have the words to name the feelings that are arising internally and go one step further to be able to connect those feelings to their underlying needs, as opposed to always blaming it on something in the external world. That's the step that was missed in my upbringing was that I didn't know much about my internal world. I don't know about you, but nobody spoke to me about my inner sense of things. Nobody spoke to me about my inner knowing. Nobody spoke to me about having a sense of something or even being able to name the feelings that are arising, connecting them to an underlying unmet need. Are you kidding me? I never, I never even heard that. That that's not a sentence that came out of anybody's mouth in my family. Yeah, for sure. So, I mean, if we just do those few little things and we get into that clash with our young adult children or our teens, and we just pause for a minute and we think to ourselves, well, golly, you know, I know I love them and they love me, and we're having a breakdown here. And I guess it's it's probably just a communication, you know, thing, because they don't they don't do things to hurt me, and I don't do things to hurt them, and just kind of like start stripping away all the negative view that gets, you know, entangled in these things, where we start to convince ourselves of some really bad narrative. Yeah. And put that aside, then it really becomes if they're saying no to you, they're saying yes to something inside of themselves, get curious about what they're saying yes to, um, and just change your stance instantly to a, I guess I'm I I want to understand what's going on for you. Tell me a little bit more about that. I I feel like I haven't really understood what you're saying. I don't think I've really heard you. And I I want to hear what you're what's going on for you. You say that to a kid of any age, they'll probably open up. They may be, unless there's a resentment flow that we got to work through and that happens too. You know, I know we're coming up on time. I just want to say this one last thing about retaliation, rebellion, and resistance, because the three R's are really the main thing that's activated by controlling forms of discipline. And when the three R's are activated and what we're experiencing is a resentment flow, then a young child is not going to have the words to be able to say, Well, you activated my resentment flow when you used your power and forced me to comply with your, you know, demands. They weren't even requests. You didn't give me any choice. And, you know, I have needs for autonomy, and I also have needs for self-direction. They're not going to know how to say that. You just plowed over all my needs for autonomy and self-direction and thought that I was just an automaton that's supposed to say yes to you. They don't know how to say that. They just get mad. Then we get judgmental about their madness as if we had nothing to do with it, which is naive.

SPEAKER_00 38:26

Yeah. Yes. Absolutely. And um, where can our listeners find more information about conscious parenting revolution?

SPEAKER_01 38:41

Conscious parentingrevolution.com is the website. And if you want to go to freeparentingbook.com, you can download my Amazon bestseller's seven strategies to keep your relationship with your kids from hitting the boiling point. Oh, I love it. You yeah, I give it away. So please go get your copy. Um, and I have a family lifeline community inside of my um conscious parenting revolution because we all run a lifeline from time to time. And, you know, I mean, we've heard that it takes a village. I believe it. I don't think we can do it alone. I think that we're human too. Parents are human too, and we are gonna have our days when we need a hand.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

Yes, ma'am. And if there's no way to get one.

SPEAKER_01 39:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

Oh, yeah. And if there's one message you hope every parent walks away with after listening to this conversation, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 39:37

I I love to say, see your children beautiful. And that is a skill. It takes us past what we're gonna just call the tragic expression of their unmet needs. When they can't meet their needs, they fall apart in ways that are hard to be around and also can create and activate feelings within us of embarrassment or things of that nature, especially if it's in public. So if you can continue to see the beauty and the underlying unmet need as they fall apart, it'll help you. It's one way to put the oxygen mask on you. But I also want you to do it for yourself.

SPEAKER_02 40:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:14

So I want you to also see yourself beautiful. And I want you to see when you're falling apart that it's an underlying unmet need, you're struggling, and you are drowning too. And um that you're not bad. And this isn't about good and bad. This is about skilled and unskilled and resources and life is balance. And golly, it's so easy to get off kilter and out of balance. It's a it's a practice, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 40:45

Yes, it sure is. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. We appreciate having you on the show.

SPEAKER_01 40:52

Lovely to be here, Kayla. Appreciate you and everything that you do and your platform and your support. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 40:59

We will have to have you back sometime.

SPEAKER_01 41:02

Lovely. Love to come.

SPEAKER_00 41:10

Well, that's it for today, you beautiful caffeinated disasters. And if any of this resonated with you, hit that follow button. And if you would, please leave us a review. It really helps other tired moms and dads find the show. And if you want to become a supporter of the show, or just keep us caffeinated so we can keep bringing the chaos every Tuesday, head over to our Buzz Sprout page at mom's brain is a coffee stain.buzzprout.com. Even a couple bucks means the world and helps us keep the coffee and the show flowing. Now you can become a support subscriber of the show and get access to new episodes two days early. And don't forget, check us out on social media. You can find us everywhere at mom's brain is a coffee stain. You can also slide into our DMs or email us your best no guilt hacks, cringiest mom moments, or your episode request at momsbrain is a coffee stain at outlook.com. Make sure you head on over and check out Catherine's website at Conscious Parenting Revolution.com and don't forget to grab your free copy of her book. We will put the links in the show notes. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take my teen for another driving lesson. Y'all pray for me. Love y'all, mean it. Go sip one for us, and we'll see you next Tuesday!