From Overwhelmed to Regulated: Breaking the Cycle of Mom Burnout with Kristin Cogan

Why do so many moms feel like they’re constantly overwhelmed… even when life “looks good on paper”?

In this honest and relatable episode of Mom’s Brain Is a Coffee Stain, Kayla sits down with Kristin Cogan, licensed therapist, coach, and mom of five, to talk about the real struggles behind mom burnout, emotional overwhelm, and the pressure to do it all perfectly.

Kristin shares her own experience of raising four kids in four years and hitting a breaking point that forced her to rethink how she was showing up—not just as a mom, but as a person. 

This conversation dives deep into the cycle so many moms know all too well: guilt, frustration, snapping, and then feeling like you’re failing. But the truth? You’re not failing—you’re overwhelmed.

In This Episode We Discuss:

• Why moms feel overwhelmed and burned out (even when life looks “perfect”)
• The cycle of mom guilt, self-doubt, and frustration
• What’s actually happening in your brain during emotional overwhelm
• How to build emotional regulation skills in real life
• Simple ways to practice mindfulness without needing extra time
• The importance of self-care and emotional hygiene
• Why comparing yourself to other moms is hurting your mental health
• How to stay present with your kids—even in chaos
• The power of small wins and daily mindset shifts
• Why you don’t have to be a perfect mom to be a good one

A Powerful Reminder:

✨ You’re not failing—you’re overwhelmed
✨ Small changes can create big shifts
✨ Taking care of yourself helps you show up better for your kids

Key Takeaway:

You don’t need a complete life overhaul—
sometimes it starts with something as simple as one deep breath.

Connect with Kristin

Kristin Cogan
Licensed Therapist | Coach | Mom of 5

📱 Follow on Instagram:
https://instagram.com/imperfectlywonderfulmotherhood

Show Information

Follow the show:
📱 @momsbrainisacoffeestain

Support the podcast:
https://Momsbrainisacoffeestain.Buzzsprout.com

Want to Be a Guest?

Want to be a guest on Mom’s Brain Is A Coffee Stain | Parenting Teens, Mom Life & Real Conversations?
Send Kayla a message on PodMatch:
https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/momsbrainisacoffeestain

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Welcome to Mom's Brain as a Coffee Stain, the only podcast clinically proven to raise your blood pressure and your dopamine. I'm Kayla, Millennial Mom, current chaos coordinator of two spoil giants who think budget is a TikTok sound. Today we're talking with Kristen Kogan, licensed therapist, coach, and mom of five. Yes, you heard that right, mom of five. Alright, let's jump on in Welcome to the show, Kristen. Thank you so much for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Thank you. I'm really excited to be here today.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

Excited to have you. You are a licensed therapist, a coach, and a mom of five. Wow. You are always busy. Um, so tell us a little bit about your journey and what led you to support overwhelmed moms.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

Yeah. So when I started out as a therapist, I worked in the school systems and I w worked with lots of kids that, you know, had lots of challenges in their life. And that was really rewarding, and I really enjoyed it. But then as I became a mom myself and had five kids, I was like, okay, one, I needed just space from kids in general, because you know, I was dealing with my own drama at home. And two, I realized the moms that I was seeing through the kids really needed their own support system. And so um, about a year after my fifth baby was born, I decided to open my private practice and really dialed in on overwhelmed moms, moms that have experienced trauma in their lives. And it's like showing up again, like as a generational pattern, that they really want to break that pattern. And um, it's been so rewarding.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

That is amazing. And I know that even though you're a therapist, you've shared that you've had experiences and moments of your life where you've been overwhelmed and you've lost your cool as a mom. What did that season of life look like for you?

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Oh gosh, it's a blur. Um I had so I have five kids, but I had four in four years. Bye. Yeah. So there were times where I was like, what did I sign up for? What did I get myself into? Um, and not wanting to admit that this was really hard because everyone else looks like they are doing it so beautifully and easily, right? And I really just had like one of those moments where I lost it on one of my kids that was just being a, she was just being a kid and like, I don't know, I can't remember exactly now, but probably spilt like a glass of milk or something. And yeah, I just had a breakdown and I was like, okay, this is not okay. And I really had to start thinking, like, okay, how do I need to take care of myself so I can show up as the mom that I want to be and be present and not like checking out on my phone or things like that, too. And um, so that kind of started that journey um to get out of that, you know, overwhelm. But it was hard for a while.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

And I think you touched on something that's so important is we look around us, and especially with social media these days, everybody else seems like they're doing it perfectly, right? When when you're like feel like you're getting just kicked from the left and punched from the right, you look around you and it's like everybody else is doing it, so great. And here you are, you feel like you're failing, you know, like you're sinking. And I think that what you said was really important. You use that moment as an opportunity to say, okay, pause, let's not worry about everybody else. What can I do to take care of me so that I'm the mom that they deserve? And I think that that's just so important because many of us don't look at it that way. We look at it like we're trying to like play keeping up with the Joneses, but with parenting.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

It just doesn't work. It doesn't work.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

And it doesn't. And I think that's why many moms they feel like they're constantly juggling everything, which I'm not saying they aren't, because between kids, sports, work, home, you you are juggling a lot, but you still feel like you're falling short because you're maybe you're only giving 20% to this, 20% to this. You feel like you're just being pulled in too many places. And then when you look around, it's like everybody else is doing it easy breezy on and squeezy. But that's not the case. They're probably falling apart on the inside, too.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Exactly. A lot of moms tell me, like, their life looks like beautiful on paper, right? They have the job, they have the husband, they have all the things, their kids are great. But inside, they're like, I want more. I I don't feel like I have a good life. Like there's got to be more to this. Like, I want to love this time that I'm in motherhood, right?

unknown 5:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

And, you know, that kind of leads us into this, but you talk about the cycle of guilt, self-doubt, and frustration that many moms experience. How does that cycle show up in everyday parenting?

SPEAKER_00 5:24

Yeah. It shows up in moms that who are snapping at their kids, um, who never meet their own meet needs because they're always giving to everyone else, right? Uh, they've lost their identity because somehow, as we become mothers, all of a sudden, like who we were before doesn't exist anymore. I don't know where we've learned this, but it's like it's terrible because we need that piece of who we are to show up as the moms that we are and be our best selves. And then, like I said, snapping at your kids. So, like that emotional regulation piece um is a big piece that goes missing. And just like connecting with yourself. Checking in with that.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

Yeah. And why do you think moms often feel the pressure to hold everything together without asking for help?

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Mm-hmm. I think a big part is they saw their moms doing it. And their moms probably did it really well because life was a lot slower when we were growing up, right? Um, and then also social media, like you said, is such a big piece of that. We only see moms who are doing it all perfectly. And so we're like, oh, I've got to be doing that too. We're not seeing the moments where they're on the bathroom floor crying or locked in their closet while their toddler's screaming or, you know, ending the day with too many glasses of wine.

unknown 6:44

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Hey, listen, we've all been there. No judgment. But no judge it to coke better than that. Yeah, exactly. You know, and I think that that's the important thing is I I look at it, so I have a sister and she's amazing. And every time I like tell her something, sometimes she's like, Oh, well, you're judging me. And I'm like, no, I'm not judging you. I'm just saying, like, maybe like if we thought outside the box, like, have you thought of this? Like, I'm not judging you, like, do what you want, girl. Like, yeah, you know, but sometimes we it can feel like we're being judged, you know, and sometimes you don't need the uh unsolicited advice or whatever, which look, I'm at fault for it. Okay, if I see a problem I think I can offer a solution to, I have this bad habit of trying to give the solution. So, but we're afraid of that judgment, and it kind of makes us stop and we don't want to reach out for help. And, you know, you said our when our moms were doing it, things were a lot slower. The advent of the internet made everything speed up. And, you know, kids don't go outside and play by themselves until the streetlights come on anymore. You know, I grew up where it was like, okay, you knew your parameters to stay in and go have fun. When my mom could get so much done with her kids outside of the house playing. Matter of fact, at one point she actually locked the doors because she was gonna mop the house. And she was like drinking out of the hose, and like we weren't allowed back in the house. It's like you've got a pool, you've got a backyard, you've got friends, like bye. You you don't do that these days, you know, with predators and just everything. We don't let our kids free roam anymore. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but that does mean they're attached to us at all times.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

They're attached to us at all times, we don't have that freedom. And then on top of that, we're trying to make everything look Pinterest perfect instead of just like popping the floor and letting it be.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Yeah. You know, if you've got sock marks on it, you got sock marks on it. It'll be okay, you know. And I that actually speaks to something because you talk about emotional regulation and mindfulness. And I'm still a big because I think I learned it from my mom, is like when I mop the floor, don't walk on it. I mop my room in room sections, you know, and I tell everybody, hey, I'm getting ready to mop the kitchen. So if you need anything, get it now. That way they don't go in there. Because I grew up, you don't walk on a clean, wet, mopped floor. So in my head, I'm like, we don't do that. But with emotional regulation and mindfulness, I can be mindful of the fact of if something happens and somebody needs to run to the kitchen to grab paper towels, I don't need to snap, right? I can emotionally regulate, even though it may be a little triggering because you're like, no, you're not supposed to do that. You know, you stop and you can say, okay, not the end of the world. Yeah, exactly. A lot of parents, they want to do that. They want to stay calm, but they find themselves snapping and in these stressful moments. What's actually happening in our brains, in our nervous systems during these moments?

SPEAKER_00 10:27

Yeah, like we do feel like we are being like chased by a tiger or something, and we have to like fight, and we're just like, we just lose it. We don't take the minute to pause before we react, we just react. And so building emotional regulation skills helps you develop that tiny space. I mean, less than a second, but where you're actually thinking about how you respond want to respond to your child versus reacting to them. Because we all want to respond, like you said. Like, of course you can go get the paper towels to clean up the mess you had. We don't want to be the the bear that's like yelling at people or walking on the floor that they don't even know better. They're kids, right? They're trying to clean up their mess.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Yeah, they're trying to do what you've actually taught them to do. Yeah, and when a mom feels like her patience is maybe just wearing thin and she's in the middle of the chaos, what's one thing she can do in that moment to stop and like regulate herself?

SPEAKER_00 11:30

In the moment, one of the great things you can do is really connecting with your senses because when you connect with the five senses, you're actually present because they're happening now. Um, and so just like looking around the room and like naming three things that you see or three things that you can touch or that you hear or smell, just like coming back into the moment because that helps bring you back into your body, and then you're aware of like, okay, what really is important in this moment? Is it the mopped floor or is it like cleaning up the other mess, or is it just loving my kids?

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Right. And I know, like for me, I've I've done a lot of therapy and everything, and the listeners know this, but you know, depending on the situation, I can I, if once I get really stressed out, I have to take my shoes and my socks off and I have to go put my feet in grass. Yes. Like, and I actually like have to feel the ground and like ground myself that way so I can stop, breathe, and it doesn't matter. I just like I have to feel the grass. Now there's little things that I will do, like whether it's feeling how smooth a countertop is in those mental moments, or but it's like you said, to connect with the senses. It's amazing how powerful it is that when we start to use those senses, it kind of overrides that response that we want to have where we're like, ah, attack. It's like, no, calm down. It's okay. So it's amazing that it it the our brains work in that way. It's like they kind of it forgets what it was so upset about and it allows you to like actually think through and think clearly, lift that fog a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Yeah, yeah. And then like that's great to do in the moment, right? When you realize you're spiraling out of control, but really you have to set up a foundation ahead of a time to not always be on the brink of losing it. Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

And so what does mindfulness look like in real life and setting up that foundation, not just you know, sitting there quietly with maybe like a meditation app or what what how can moms do this?

SPEAKER_00 13:41

Yeah. So the way I like to talk about it, I call it my ripple effect method. And um, it's like imagine you have a chair and it has, you know, four legs. And um if one of the legs is wobbly or completely gone, like it's gonna be off-kelter, right? Well, same with how we take care of ourselves, which I call it emotional hygiene. It's the practice of taking care of your mental health. Um, just like we take care of our physical hygiene, right? To stay healthy, we have to do emotional hygiene. And there's four pillars to that. It's um physical, emotional, social, and spiritual. And really, it's really important that you're touching on all four areas um once a week, once a month. It doesn't have to be every day, but we need to make sure there's not deficits, or else that chair is gonna fall over or you're gonna lose your crap, you know? Right. Physical is like things you do daily or almost daily that just make you feel good. Because I think a lot of times we get caught in our head that we have to do like these big gestures to regulate ourselves. Like we have to meditate for 20 minutes, or we have to go on a spa day, or do all these elaborate things to feel good. But it could be like just the simple things like going and put your feet in the grass. That would be a physical thing, or taking a shower, or nourishing your body with healthy food, um, getting dressed for the day if that's something that makes you feel good. And each person needs to kind of make up their own list of like what are physical things that I do that make me feel good, not what makes the person next to me feel good, right? And then make sure you're doing some of those every day. And then like you move through the list. So the next one would be emotional. And this is just thinking like with intention, like, how do I wanna feel today? Do I wanna feel calmer today? Do I wanna be more fun today? And if you're a person that journals, great. You can journal about what that might look like. If you're not a person that journals, just stating that out loud. Like today I would like to feel more calm, just is setting that intention that it's probably gonna show up more in your day. So really connecting with those emotions kind of align you with it in the future. Then there's um social, and this is really just like who in my life do I want to spend more time with because they add to my life, right? Right. Who in my life do I need to spend less time with because they're toxic or they're draining or not helpful in a way? Um, and really like evaluating that. And also in this social category would be like things that you commit to, you know, like all the volunteer things. Are those really things that you want to do and add to your day, or are they just depleting you? And maybe you need to learn to say some more, no, you know, set some more boundaries. Right. And then the last category is spiritual. And it's spiritual in the sense like these are the things that you do that like lift you up and nurture your soul. So it could be something like going to church or praying or those type of things, but it's also things like painting or taking a bubble bath or enjoying a coffee, cup of coffee, or a cup of tea, um, or traveling. And you want to have a range. Like I can have a cup of tea every day and it'd be a little luxury, but you know, I can't go and travel on an elaborate trip all the time. Right. I want to be able to mix it up and have things that we can choose in the moment that would help um nurture us, really.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

That's wonderful. And I I think it's so important too, because you did you said like you can do these little things and then you can do these bigger things. And I'm a big person, like in the morning, I need like five minutes with when I freshly brewed cup of coffee and a ceramic mug, so I can feel like the heat coming from it while I drink it, and it just sets my day. Like, if I don't get that, I notice like I'm cranky and I have to tell myself, stop being cranky, stop being cranky. But I I like tell myself it all day, and it's just so it's like just give me five minutes with this mug and we'll be fine. Like, I don't need to drain the whole cup, I just need five minutes with it.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Yeah, it's a little time to check in with yourself, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Yeah, you know, open my eyes, adjust, and run through the list in my head, like you know, and with that being said, it's okay to take those five minutes a day or bubble bath at night or something like that. But mom guilt is something that we do face, you know, when we start to maybe you're not prioritizing anything for yourself right now. And then when you start to, maybe you're that mom guilt kind of ups a notch because you're like, oh, I could have been doing this during that time, or I could have been doing that. Why do we carry such a heavy sense of guilt for taking care of ourselves?

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Yeah, I don't know where this stems from, but moms do everywhere do it, right? And we beat ourselves up, and it's just really hard for moms to have compassion for themselves. And um, we have it for everybody else, but we don't expect it for ourselves, and it's really a practice of learning, okay, I deserve this just as much as everyone else. And when you recognize the fact that if you are taking care of yourself, even if there is that feeling of guilt, it's not that's not a bad thing. It's okay to feel that. You just don't want to like spiral on it, right? But recognize the fact that by taking care of yourself, you probably are showing up as a better wife or and mom and partner and colleague, all these things because you have the capacity to take on what everybody wants from you.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Absolutely. And when we start to spiral with that mom guilt, what are some ways where we can practice self-compassion to stop that spiral on shrags?

SPEAKER_00 19:46

Yes. So it's so hard. The first part of that is just like stopping and actually noticing that you're spiraling and beating yourself up about it. And then once you're able to catch yourself and have that awareness, it's like, okay, what would I say to my best friend if she was beating herself up about this, or to my daughter? How would I want them to talk to themselves and then say that to yourself and be like, you're doing the best you can in the moment. You're you're doing what you know, it's okay. And you know, even like putting the heart hands on your heart and taking a deep breath and just allowing yourself to feel some love towards yourself, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:26

Right. And I think that's so important. And it's like you said, we have self-compassion for if it was our our mom, our sister, our friend, our daughter, you know, but we don't give ourselves the compassion and the grace to to stop and say, okay, I need to take care of myself. What is one mindset shift that you would say that we could do to help moms maybe feel more balanced? And it doesn't have to be something big, but it's like you said, like, is it recognizing when we're spiraling, or just what's one shift of the mind that we can do?

SPEAKER_00 21:08

Yeah. I think having a mantra that kind of suits you is helpful as far as a mindset shift. Um, something like done is better than perfect, or um, I'm showing up as the best that I can, or um well, those are my two favorites, actually. But like being able something to tell yourself in the moment, like this is okay, you've got this, you're doing a great job, and take some of the pressure off.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Yes. I love that. And you often talk about the powerful or the power of small wins. Why are small changes sometimes more powerful than the big ones?

SPEAKER_00 21:51

Yeah, because they um they rewire your brain to start looking for more wins in your life. So if you're like, I got up and didn't hit snooze this morning. That's a win. You know, my kids uh got out of bed and got dressed easily. We ought to count that as a win. We got to school on time. And like going through your day and like really recognizing all the things that went well, because our brains are already negative leaning. You know, they're always looking for the bad. And so that's why counting small wins or like a gratitude practice, it physically helps rewire your brain to look for the more positives in your life. Because we want to show up in that higher energy, right? High vibe, um, being more aligned with our values and not always focused on like the negative things that are going on. Because it's really easy to get untrapped in that spiral of this went wrong, this went wrong, you know. Um, so the small wins also help you like reset in a day. Like if the morning was a mess, okay, great. I'm gonna take a breath and we're gonna restart now.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

Yeah, my grandma used to always say, um, even when it's storming, there's something positive brewing. So and I I used to just always laugh and be like, okay, grandma, you know, like, but it's so true because that storm is, you know, we have flowers and everything else that come from that storm. And then it's like I always like to say, in a world full of negativity, exhale positivity. Yes. So because we we do, we look for all those neg, well, it's not that we look for, but we naturally we see all the bad things, we see all those negative things. Um, but we don't see, yeah, the morning may have been just an absolute disaster, but something good happened. Did you get the kids to school on time? That's a win, you know. It may have been a chaotic ride to get there, but you got there on time, so you're winning. You know, and it's so hard to do that. And I know I struggle with that. That's why I have like literally on my phone lock screen, I put like a daily like thing so that way I can look at it and be like, okay, this is what I want to focus on today, you know, or it's everything. Right, yeah. Because and it's like positivity attracts positivity, right? They always say that, but what they don't tell you is negativity is gonna attract negativity. So if you're looking for those negatives and those fails, you're just gonna keep finding them. It's it's like my husband says, you never see a car until you like out on the road until you buy that car. Right. And then it's everywhere, and then it's all you see. So, but that's how it works. And it's I love that you're the power of the small one because it's like they just build on each other, and that's amazing. And what are some ways that moms can stay more present with their kids even when it does feel chaotic?

SPEAKER_00 25:08

Yeah. Well, one, just reminding reminding yourself that like being present doesn't mean it has to take lots of time. Like you can be present with your child for just 10 minutes because I know you're busy. And 10 minutes is enough for them to feel like that love and connection. And I mean, one of the easiest ways to do nowadays is setting your phone aside, putting it in the other room, because that seems for most moms like the biggest distraction. You just naturally pick it up, look at it, you get a notification, you know, those type of things. And it's pulling your attention away from your child. So if you're just like, I can leave it in the other room for 10 minutes, that's a really small thing to do, and it has a huge impact on how you feel and how your child perceives being with you.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

Right. Yeah, and it makes them it's gonna make them feel like, oh, I have your undivided attention. This is great, you know. So I love that, you know, and things like sitting down for dinner and not having phones at dinner. Yes. You know, I know for our house that's a big one. It's like once dinner's done, phones get put up, and everybody like it's 10, 15 minutes that they're actually eating. But that's 10, 15 minutes, I actually get to find out what happened at school or work or whatever. You know, and for me, like I have teens. That's important because I need to know who they're interacting with and everything else. And then, you know, if they go, oh mom, so-and-so sent me this funny TikTok, you have to see it. And I'll be like, okay, after dinner. Yes. You know, which then maybe it's a family conversation around this TikTok or something like that. But it it opens it up because you have that undivided attention being given without the phones at first. And it's like, okay, now I know a little bit about your day, you know a little bit about my day. We're connecting as human beings. We are, right? Yeah, you know, and I I think that sometimes we forget it's not our kids aren't to-do lists because I'm a big to-do list person, and I know like I will look at things now, be like, oh, my son needs A, B, C, D, my stepdaughter needs A, B, C, D, you know, but our kids aren't actually to-do lists, you know, they they're there for the interaction, the love, and the compassion, and we have to give it to them while maintaining to-do our to-do lists.

unknown 27:43

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

So, right.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

Yeah, exactly. And how can emotional regulation from the parent actually influence the emotional development of the child?

SPEAKER_00 27:55

Yes, that's huge because you are teaching your child how to regulate. So if you are always snapping and blowing up and storming off, guess what your child's gonna start doing? Those exact same things. But if you are able to sit with them and validate their feelings and okay, maybe they're having a temper tantrum and it's really uncomfortable sometimes for you as a parent to sit there in it with them. But if you can just sit there and take a few breaths, invite your child, like, would you like to take some breaths with me? This might help you calm down, or just say, like, I'm here when you're ready to, you know, talk to me. I I'm here to help you. Just be near them. That's teaching them one, that it's okay to have big feelings. And two, like, that you're there. And three, it's teaching their nervous system, like what safety feels like, what regulation feels like, um, and they don't feel abandoned.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

So important. And what would you say to the mom listening right now who feels like she's constantly losing her patience?

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Tell her we've all been there. Um and to start small, like we talked about. Start with every time you get in the car, take a deep breath. Every time you go to the bathroom, take a deep breath. Because this is training your body to take breaths when you know things start to get elevated. Because if you're trying to remember to take a deep breath when your kid is going crazy and, you know, having a big temper temper tantrum, you're not gonna remember in the moment because you're feeling dysregulated. You're not gonna remember to use these tools. So you have to do it in times that are kind of neutral.

SPEAKER_02 29:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:39

That you build that and it becomes like a habit and it it's innate to your body, like, oh, this is what I do to make me feel better. So I would tell them, yeah, just these little small things. It doesn't have to be a big thing to learn to regulate. I would also tell them, like, because I feel like a lot of moms compare themselves to other moms in this way, like, oh, well, she never yells at her child or she never loses it. But we're not all starting at an equal playing field. Like on a scale of zero to 10, where zero is neutral and 10's like the highest distress imaginable. Like some moms are starting at a five, six, seven based on, you know, their own life experiences, maybe childhood trauma, things like that. So they haven't learned or taught themselves how to get to that zero yet. So of course they're gonna be quicker to, you know, snap and break. Um so we have to give them compassion in that way. Like give yourself grace. Like we're all starting different places.

SPEAKER_01 30:40

I think that's important too, because I know from my perspective, like I never wanted to be a mother because I did have um a trauma background and everything like that. So I had my own mommy issues and things like that. So, and then of course I became a mother, and it was like, okay, well, I'm not gonna be that type of mother, you know, and it's like, but that's great to say. I had no idea how to not do that though, you know, and one like luckily by that point, I was like already in like in therapy and was actually enjoying therapy, and I read self-help books and parenting books and things like that. But there actually wasn't a lot of information on trauma-based parenting. Um and I I think it's important because there were kids that grew up, you know, previously who their generation was, well, it was normal for you to like get punched in the chest by your dad if you failed a math test. Um, and then the next generation, it was normal for you to get beat by a belt or something like that. So it's like we don't really have all these skills where we learn from generation to generation how to use our words, how to use natural consequences, how to do these things. So now it's like when you're especially when you're coming from a trauma to parent, it's you all you have is what books are telling you and what you know. And you know you don't want to do what was done to you. So you're like, well, I'm not doing that, but I don't know what to do, you know. And so I think it's like you said, you have to give yourself grace because those the sense their sexual nervous system is probably going haywire just on the fact of that, you know, and then you have somebody who maybe has little little trauma or whatever, you know, like, and they're not as high on freaking out on what am I doing, what am I doing? And and they they may still come to that point though, where it's like, I don't know what I'm doing. And it may be at certain, I think this is a big one too. Everyone's kids are different. And I I can't, I have two beautiful children, they are so completely different. And one will hit a milestone at one point in time, and another one will hit a milestone at another point in time, and at different ages. That is fine. So you may look at your 10-year-old and you're like, okay, well, other 10-year-olds aren't doing this. Okay, your 10-year-old's not another 10-year-old. Right. So I think that's another important thing that I've learned as a parent is to stop looking at other people's children and expecting my child to conform to them because my child isn't an individual. Like his age has nothing really to do with it. Yes, there's important milestones every child hits, but for the most part, how they develop is like you said, we're we're teaching them how to develop. So I think that's so important, is to just look at where your child is and go from there too, and give your your child that grace to be themselves. Yes, definitely. Yeah. And if a mom feels completely burned out and overwhelmed, what's the very first thing you would tell her to do right now to just turn things around?

SPEAKER_00 34:41

That's a great question. And I mean, I'll say it again. I think breathing, it's free, it's always available to us, and people don't have to know that you're doing it is one of the best things that we have um access to. And if you just sit and take a few deep breaths for a minute or so, your nervous system will shift. It will shift downward. Even if you're in an eight, maybe it'll only go to a 7.6, but that's a shift and that's a win. And the more you do it, the easier it'll be to get down to that one or two that is ideal to be at, right? Um so I mean, don't knock it. Breathing is it's not over.

SPEAKER_01 35:24

Absolutely. And so I think it's an interesting question, but we are all surviving motherhood. Um, we're doing the very best we can. So, what does thriving in motherhood look like? As a mom of five, I have to know because you look like you are just thriving. Um, today I am surviving. So I need the secret.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

There's no secret. It's day by day, right? And we got to remember that small is big, simple is powerful, and slow is fast. And so, like, we're always trying to get make these big leaps, I think, as motherhood and as mothers. And it's important to remember like it's just the baby steps that will get us there. And, you know, thriving one day might be like looking put together and thriving the next day might just be, you know, making sure everyone's fed and alive. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

And where can our listeners connect with you and find more of your tips and support for mom?

SPEAKER_00 36:30

Yeah, the best place to find me is on Instagram at Imperfectly Wonderful Motherhood. Um, send me a DM. I love to chat um and help mamas out. Because this is hard. We not we are not meant to do this alone.

SPEAKER_01 36:44

Yes, it's there's a reason why that's saying is it takes a village. Um, so social media may have like us all looking at things in a different light and everything, but it also can be beautiful because it can do things like connect us to other moms who we can talk with and have a support group and get tips and tricks and things like that. Um, so there is a beautiful side to it. Again, you have to just look for the positive and everything, and and we will be fine. Wonderful. Well, I will make sure to put a link to your social media, your Instagram, in the show notes, and we are so glad that you are able to join us today. Thank you so much, Kristen. Thank you. Have a great day. You too. Well, that's it for today, you beautiful caffeinated disasters. If any of this resonated with you, hit that follow button. And if you would, please leave us a review. It really helps other tired moms and dads find the show. And if you want to become a supporter of the show, or just keep us caffeinated so we can keep bringing the chaos every Tuesday, head over to our Buzzprout page at mom's brain is a coffee stain.buzzprout.com. Even a couple bucks means the world and helps us keep the coffee and the show flowing. Now you can become a subscriber of the show and get access to new episodes two days early. And don't forget, check us out on social media. You can find us everywhere at Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain. Slide into our DMs or email us your best no guilt hacks, cringiest mom moments, or episode requests at momsbrain is a coffee stain at outlook.com. And make sure to head over and check out Kristen's Instagram at Imperfectly Wonderful Motherhood. We will put the links in the show notes. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to start tackling the never-ending laundry. Love y'all, mean it, go sip on for us, and we'll see you next Tuesday.