22 - Loving People Without Losing Your Peace

This week on 27 Good, we’re clearing the air on a few things from past episodes, including Mother’s Day expectations, Outlander timeline confusion, and why we still absolutely want the cupcakes 😂

We also get into a really honest conversation about boundaries, difficult people, gossip, grace, and the tension between being kind and protecting your peace. How much grace do you extend before it starts draining you? Can Christians set boundaries without feeling guilty? And where’s the line between venting and gossiping?

We also chat about Teacher Appreciation Week, funny spirit days at school, motherhood, sleep-deprived kids, local coffee shop obsessions, and why sometimes moms just decide everyone’s skipping nap time because we’re going to lunch anyway.

A little heartfelt, a little funny, and very real. 💛 

Bible Verses Mentioned

Proverbs 4:23
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Romans 12:17
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.”

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome back to 27 Good.

SPEAKER_01 0:01

I'm Amy. I'm Patty.

SPEAKER_03 0:03

Thanks for hanging with us.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

I have a couple things that I want to talk about from previous episodes that I need to clear the airport. I didn't tell Amy this. Usually right before we record, we say what we're going to talk about in an episode. Just a brief little thing. I didn't tell her that I had a couple things.

SPEAKER_03 0:20

That's right. So we have some reflections and corrections. Reflections and corrections. Still unfortunately.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

The first one is so minor, but I said that I read Outlander 15 years ago. And my sister Annie really called me out on that. She says there's no way. Because she read it, so she went to Scotland in 2018, I think is what she told me. Yeah. And she, because she was going to Scotland, I said, like, you should read this book. It takes place in Scotland. And she really thinks it was shortly after I read it. So funny. But neither one of us could decide. I also thought that I read it before the show came out, but the show came out in 2014, I think is what we we I mean, Annie and I did this full deep dive trying to find the timeline. But it was on stars first, the show was. Now the show's on Netflix, and maybe I didn't watch it until it was on Netflix later. But then Annie thought I had a stars subscription simply to watch the show. We we really couldn't figure it out. But she is fairly certain it was more like eight or nine years ago.

SPEAKER_03 1:17

Not 12 chain. Correction. Well, I have a little correction too. My mom told me the book I was probably thinking that we read in high school was The Outsiders, not the Outlanders. Way different than Outlander.

SPEAKER_02 1:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

But similar name.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

Close name. The other thing that I wanted to talk about was I just felt like I wanted to. The episode that we just had last, this would be last week, was about Mother's Day. And we both talked a little bit about feeling slighted about gifts and things like that. And I think I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that I feel so blessed to be a mother. Yeah, good point. And the gift part, of course, is just me loving gifts. And probably my mom, when she listened to the podcast, said it for sure probably is a social media commercialism thing that we really want to be spoiled on Mother's Day. And I also think we didn't really talk about that Mother's Day can be a really hard holiday for a lot of people. Yeah. I'm really lucky that I have my mom and I have Brian's mom. And I have good relationships with both of them. People can have really broken relationships with moms that it can make it hard, or if they've lost moms. And then people who have infertility issues. Like you and I are really lucky that we have these families.

SPEAKER_03 2:21

I know, but I yes, I totally agree with all of that. It's such a gift. And people who've lost their children too. Yes. All the there's so many, so many challenges.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

But I also do think we still celebrate mothers. Yes. I know that there's been times where it's been popular to say like we should celebrate all women. And actually, I have a really close friend who says that mothers should get a little bit of a nod because it's such a sacrifice what we do as mothers. And it's I think it's not a way asking for celebration because of our sacrifice is not a way of saying that someone who maybe isn't able to have children shouldn't somewhat time be celebrated. But maybe just not on Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_03 2:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

Maybe a hot and take. I know.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

It just is so it's just controversial. Yeah, I'm with you. I think it's hard. Yeah, it's just hard. It's such an emotional thing too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

Um and infertility is something that I feel like I really I mean, it's all over the Bible, but it's still something that I always think. I know some women that would just be the greatest moms. It feels unfair. Yeah, it feels really unfair. Feels really like, why would and why would you put that in their heart to want to be moms and then not bless them with that, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 3:27

Yeah. Um, that's always the thing I come back to is gosh, we just serve a God who's so much bigger than us, and we can begin to understand. And I also think some of that is we live in a broken world, and not everything is like God saying, I'm not going to give you children because XYZ, it's just Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

It's we I mean Yeah, when bad things happen. Yeah. It's not it's not for the bad things aren't from God. Yeah. That's what something I think we have to keep a focus on when we're in our deepest despair of something that seems really unfair. Yeah. Yeah. And a loss that doesn't seem understandable.

SPEAKER_03 3:59

Just to chime in, love that you said all this. Good word. I do feel like I just want the red carpet rolled out. And I think that's also why I feel like we kind of ran away over Mother's Day last year. It was just like, this is perfect weekend. So that you're not let down. Yeah, because it does. It's such a weird day. I think other holidays can be this way too. Of you do just have this expectation that everything's going to be perfect. And it's just like, gosh, a day with everyone waking up, breathing fresh air, and I don't know, bodies that move is such a gift. Yeah. I agree on all of it. And I feel like getting pregnant with Samantha took longer than I had hoped. And I still remember like crying with you on Valentine's Day because probably like um what? I bet I had a negative pregnancy test or something. You like came over with chocolate more than a few minutes.

SPEAKER_02 4:44

Yeah, you're going through a period or something.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

Yes, that's what I mean. Yeah, period came. And where was I going with that? It really is such a gift. And I think when you're especially I mean, gosh, I think we I'm just thinking of people in all stages of motherhood. Like there there's challenges in all of it, even when they're newborns, and then when your kids become adults. Yeah, and everything. Yeah. That it's so hard, but it really is such a gift, and I think it's just an honor to see that. Yeah, and just I don't know, it's just a big responsibility. We've talked about this too. So yeah. Good one. Yeah, thanks. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:18

We're not just some snobby We don't just have to have the cupcakes and the flowers, although we have to. Yeah. Still.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Exactly. What else do you have more?

SPEAKER_02 5:29

That was all. Those were the only two corrections from the previous episodes. Was yeah, I don't know, the outlander thing was probably not necessary to say, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:38

Well, my sitter brought up that uh she's like, I didn't know you had such a temper. I was like, well, that was 10 years ago. Not as crazy, but still a little crazy. And you threw the hammer and flipped them off. I know, and I was like, I still could vividly remember both hands up, and it's so funny. So I promise I'm not a total psycho. It was just a situation. Yeah. Once every few years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

Gotta keep them on their toes.

SPEAKER_03 6:01

Yes. What's up? What's up this week? How are you? I feel like we actually haven't talked this much.

SPEAKER_02 6:07

We haven't, I know. So it's teacher appreciation week. And I have never felt so loved and appreciated as I did this week. I have just the killer duo of principals right now. I mean, they are just great as leaders and they trust us as teachers, believe what we say, they believe what we do in our classrooms, like come like, you know, they just really trust us as professionals, which is so minor, but so great. If you're listening on here and you're a principal, this is all your teachers want. Seriously, is just to be believed in and supported. Yeah, supported. And then they just did some really I don't think I mean they were huge things for us, but I want to say it's like when we talk about gifts, don't have to be huge. You don't have to go spend a bunch of money, right? But I would guess probably a lot of what they spend is out of their pocket teaching such a different profession than others. And just so Tuesday was Cinco de Mao, for example, and they had a nachos bar. So it was salsa, I think sour cream, there were olives, which I love an addition like that on a taco bar, and then of course, melted cheese in like a crock pot or nacho cheese, chips, and then a different teacher she brought in to share with everyone, uh Dirty Soda Bar. So fun. So fun. That was really fun. Yes. Because you know it's it's single day mile. We can't have we can't have uh margaritas. And I've never done a uh dirty soda. I will say it kind of upset my stomach because I have made two of them and I don't drink pop ever or that much sugar, really.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

And you just went through four days with no sugar.

SPEAKER_02 7:38

I actually think this whole week a little bit, I was like, next week I need to go back to like a little bit of a sugar cleanse because I feel like I've done nothing but we had cake, we had donuts, we, you know, a kid the and the cake was from a family in the district. The donuts were from a family in the district. But I just really felt, and I don't I hope that the I'm gonna write some thank you notes to some people that deserve it, but I don't think I'll be able to reach everyone, and I just really did feel appreciated, which was really fun. Yes, love that. And we also did underground spirit days, which those are new. I think what is that? Um, only the teachers had know the spirit day, and the kids have to guess what they are. Funny. It's kind of cute, yeah. So I can't remember what Mondays was. Shoot, but I think Tuesdays, well, I don't know. One of them was mismatched holiday, and so I wore a Halloween sweatshirt and then reindeer ears. But my principal, he dressed up as an Easter bunny with like ears, and probably, and then he had Christmas light up things around his neck, and he was handing out candy and making kids say trick-or-treat. And it's seven in the morning, sometimes earlier when the buses start showing up. And he is like in the front of the school, like bringing it in the mid in May when we're so exhausted. I mean, we are so exhausted as teachers.

SPEAKER_03 8:53

You know, my principals are just that's actually probably why they plan teacher appreciation week the end, like in May. They're like, We need a little something. We need a little something, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:00

And then there was oh, the one was wear something that you like to do outside of school. So I wore my sweatshirt that says reading is my favorite sport, but some people got a little bit more creative than that. I could have done something. My one coworker said I should have brought like a microphone for the podcast or something.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

But a headset, like one that Yeah, it'd be funny.

SPEAKER_03 9:20

Gosh, I mean at the school rocked it for their teachers too. They were like posting what they did, some of that, but they had sent home these like papers for us to fill out, which was cute. And it is funny when so she there's four total. Two of them are like her main teachers, and then there's the afternoon teachers. And the one might be newer that she doesn't know, but it was pulling teeth to be like it was like, what's she really good at? She's like, say nye. Like you're like, what do you put for this one? That's funny. I feel like I kind of biffed it. I didn't do anything extra except fill out those forms. So I thought I should write each of them a thank you note because I just think it is such a hard job. It's like so self-ending to show up with a mask no matter kind of how you're feeling. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:00

And a little note is probably something that as a teacher I appreciate. Yeah. Just as much as anything else.

SPEAKER_03 10:07

Um, what else? I don't know what has felt so hard. Not hard this week. It just feels like it's flying by.

SPEAKER_02 10:14

May is a really hard month. We always say that May is a little bit like December. Yeah. In the fact that we have, I mean, I had a band concert last night, we have a choir concert next week, we're wrapping things up everywhere. And but then on top of it, it's so nice out. I mean, my kids have been outside, they're just coming in now, and it's 8 15. And so we're exhausted. We're a little bit with school, we all know each other so well now, my students and I, that sometimes we're just short with each other, I think, and have a hard time saying some things that are maybe not kind because they're just middle schoolers. Tired, yeah. Yeah. I actually had to apologize to my third period class because I was frustrated with them yesterday. They just were for some reason forgetting how to simplify fractions, and I got really frustrated and it showed. And then today when I went into class, I was like, guys, I gotta apologize. I was crabby. And one girl was like, No, what? No way. Thank you. It didn't show.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

I do think that's true. Uh kids, like obviously you just said they're 14 or 13.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

Yeah, the six the s I teach seventh grade, so they turn 13 in seventh grade.

SPEAKER_03 11:18

Yeah, yeah. And younger kids too. It really is. Um, I feel always humbled when I'm like, oh wow, I'm s I expect my children to hold it together, yet mom like loses it, you know. And so I think it is. That's just part of that job, kind of like being a mom. It's I don't not high calling, what is it? Just a big responsibility to be the one of like, I'm gonna show you guys. I'm gonna rise above. Yeah. And just show, yeah. Show an apology when I'm crabby, yeah. So last night the kids wanted to have a sleepover. And so when we do that, we bring over Samantha's mattress and it goes in between the boy the boy's share room. Okay, yeah. So it goes Andrew's against the wall, then Samantha, then Austin's in a scrub, which this is why, gosh, we've just got to get bunk beds and get like a full on the bottom so that everybody can be together. So we're gonna sleep with Austin sometimes. Yeah. So it was terrible. It did not go well. I had gone out on a whole walk, and when I came back in, Jason's like, uh, someone was still real.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

So you think maybe like 7:30 you went for your walk or something, and they Yeah, it just also was late.

SPEAKER_03 12:15

This is the thing, is like, yeah, it was probably eight, maybe, when they put him to bed. I don't know when I got back, 8 30 maybe. And so still no one's asleep yet. And so it just was a late night. And I don't I think that's part of it for sure. Like at least my kids' ages, they're like five and under. They just needed a good bedtime, yeah. So they didn't no one got a good sleep last night. And then today, I was off to work today. I was planning trying errands because we've got to get a few things in town, and then Jason was also going to take the kids to run something, and so we decided to just go to lunch. Where'd you go? So fun. Of course, this is our last gift card, but we went to old jail, and what's hilarious is we actually had two gift cards and we were like, there's probably like $10 on each, but there was a total of like $62. And so it almost covered the whole thing, which was just a fun thing. Um, so that was fun. But talking about how, gosh, this is just the difference from a first-time mom to a third-time mom. So I you heard me say, everyone's exhausted. It's like noon when we left. Austin's like hanging by a thread, he's so tired.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

And it was just like, Mom wants to go have fun. We're going, you'll be fine.

SPEAKER_03 13:21

I don't care if it's snap time. I don't care if it's snap time, we're going. And he did great. They all did great. I just think we would ask him, like, you tired, Austin? He'd just like open and closed his eyes. And then when the food finally came, he just chowed. And it was so funny. And then we went to Shure House afterward, and that was a fun treat. And so just a fun day. I feel like when mom just wants to get out of the house, it's like, doesn't matter what anyone needs to do.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

Sure House is our local coffee shop. Yeah. They make a lot of their syrups like in home and it's just the best.

SPEAKER_03 13:48

Or in-house. And they have a pastry called the Kretzel. Yes. And it's like a mix of crut of croissant. Croissant. Yeah, it's like a mix of it's a croissant with pretzel dough or something like that. So it's a croissant, but then crunchy and delicious on the outside. Yeah, but like buttery and soft on the inside. And it's kind of so good. Sugary coating.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

Yes, if you're ever in Worcester, Ohio, it is worth a stack. Yes. But they have seasonal drinks, and one of those seasonal drinks is a lemon latte. And lemon is my thing. It's my jam. I love all things lemons. And it probably started with actually that I liked lemon-flavored things at a young age. My grandma used to make me a lemon birthday cake when I was younger. And then now it's grown into I have a lemon tree that I take.

SPEAKER_03 14:34

I didn't see your new lemon tablecloth yet.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

I have a lemon table. I have a lemon cover on my phone. My kids, my students recognize it and they're always like, What is with you and the lemons? Um, but it's just grown. So, anyways, Amy had told me that the flavor of the month was a lemon latte, and last weekend I went to yoga and stopped there afterwards and got it. And I loved it. I thought it was delicious.

SPEAKER_03 14:53

And so I was like, I can't wait to try it. It was not for me.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Yeah, she texted me. Which I said, I felt like I was kind of like, maybe I hope my text wasn't mean. No, I mean I was like, I hate it. You did not like it. Why would I say it like?

SPEAKER_02 15:05

I was like, what a bummer because you spent money on it, is what I said. Always a bummer when you buy like a nice fancy coffee, and then you're like, this is disgusting.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

Which I feel like normally I would not have said this, but I feel like then it was like the joke Jason and I kept saying was like, Mother's Day, no, we're celebrating Mother's Day today. And so he was like, Do you want to go get a different one? I was like, Yes.

SPEAKER_02 15:22

Listen, if you're celebrating Mother's Day today, though, more disappointment on Sunday, because he's just gonna be like, we celebrated on Thursday.

SPEAKER_03 15:27

No, that's why yeah, we're gonna have ice cream. We are making ice cream we are making, Samantha and I are making a cake, which Jason was like, You can't make a cake. And I was like, She picked this out of a recipe book. It's fine to make that. And yeah, we got ice cream. A new ice cream shop went right in by Sherk House. Well, it's not even just ice cream. I mean, it is mainly ice cream, but it's a dairy shop.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

Yes, and they have grilled cheese.

SPEAKER_03 15:47

Did you go? Did you guys eat there?

SPEAKER_02 15:49

No, I've been in a couple times. So what's funny is the boys have figured out that this new ice cream shop is right below where I go to yoga. So every time I go work out, they're like, Are you bringing home ice cream? Putting in their order. And it is not cheap because it's That's what Jason said.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

He's like, I love to support another dairy farmer because it's so expensive.

SPEAKER_03 16:06

He did buy their chocolate milk the last time he went and it was so good.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:10

I'm not about anything other than ice cream. They have milk, butter, all kinds of cheeses. They've got even like cheese spreads and things like that. Oh, yeah. And then we've not been in to eat it because they have kind of a cute counter space. It would be fun to order Sundays or something when they have more than just ice cream, they have all kinds of Sunday shakes, things like that. But we haven't done that yet. Yum. But I did say I can't be spending money on ice cream every time I go to yoga. Every yoga trip's like 20 bucks.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Yeah, that's what it would be. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

Plus if you get a coffee. Right. Yep. Mom can't do that every single time. Mom can't do it. All right. All right. I think this a little bit actually goes off of a correction from previous podcasts, something we wanted to talk about today. Yeah. So we regularly talk about extending grace to people. We've talked about new moms, we've talked about um disabled. Yes. We've talked about just even the waitress that messes up your order, like she didn't do it on purpose. But I think something that we should talk about is just where do you draw the line? Yeah. Where is it that maybe that person is consistently not nice?

SPEAKER_03 17:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:15

And so what do we do then? It's tricky, right?

SPEAKER_03 17:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:19

Um to be a kind Christian, I think. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 17:22

Yeah. And what is funny is this is a little hot take. I think that people do confuse that if you're a Christian, you need to be nice to everyone. Yeah. And that's not in my opinion, that's not true.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

The thing I always say is being a Christian does not mean being a doorman. No. Right. Has anyone read the Old Testament?

SPEAKER_03 17:37

God of like law and order? Like he is not a good idea. Well, Jesus gets mad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

When things are a little bit Yeah. He's throwing those, knocking those tables over. Yeah. I mean, we aren't Jesus, but still.

SPEAKER_03 17:49

So when I I don't know. I don't know how where we want to go or how we want to talk about this.

SPEAKER_02 17:54

Well, I wrote down a lot of thoughts. Okay. Do you want to kick us off? Sure. I said grace sounds good until someone is consistently unkind. Uh-huh. Grace doesn't mean access. And you can be kind and have boundaries. Yeah. And extending grace doesn't mean excusing patterns. Um, and we can be kind and we can be respectful and we can still be direct direct.

SPEAKER_03 18:16

So one one thing about that that I love, there's a saying that I actually learned at work, which is um, it is kind to be clear. Or it's yeah, I think that's what it is. Like it's kind to be direct and it's kind to be very clear about expectations. And I do think in these type of situations, confrontation is a good thing. And it's just while it is so challenging, when you avoid it, it just makes things worse. When you can. So I do think there's probably different levels of this when someone is okay, let's say it's a coworker or a family member that you really can't not interact with. That's not an option. I think obviously if it's someone where you can just put up a boundary of I'm not going to be in your life anymore. Yeah, no longer when it is. But when it is people you have to work with, and these type of challenges, it is, yeah, it's yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

So I wrote down some different types of mean. Someone having a bad day. And then there's so that's probably the most minor one. That's the one we extend the grace to, right? That's maybe somebody we love, they're just having a bad day, having a bad moment. And then someone going through something heavy. So that's different also. Uh that's like situational. Like this is not a good thing. Yeah, it probably is longer than a bad day, right? If you have a sick parent or you're dealing with a loss, it can be that they've changed who they are a little bit because they're dealing with something really heavy. And then there's someone who has a pattern of behavior that just really, no matter what, is maybe disappointing you or letting you down. And I think our responses of how we treat those is different for each of those, right? Is how it's different. The Bible verse I wrote down was Proverbs 4. Did you have a Bible verse? No. And it's 23, and it's above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. And that's just really short, but kind of powerful. Just guarding our heart. We've talked before about guarding our energy, protecting our energy. And I think it kind of goes along those same lines. I think as I get older, I just am really careful of who I let suck my energy. Or, you know.

SPEAKER_03 20:18

It is weird how you kind of are attuned to like, oh, the this person, like, okay, you. When I leave, when we are hanging out, it's just like I leave at least being. I mean, hopefully you feel the same.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

I do.

SPEAKER_03 20:29

But it's not just like, gosh, I'm so drained, I need a second to myself to recoup. And you really, I agree, can't take that much of those that type of people. Gosh, I do also feel like you get what you tolerate. Like when you continue to allow someone to treat you a certain way, you're almost encouraging it because you're saying it's fine, you know? I am not at all making you the victim in this situation, but there is sometimes like I just think, gosh, as a culture, we just let everything go and we don't um but it's just like holding people accountable of like, hey, uh, I think the best way to approach conflict is for sure to not be mad, coming at it. I think praying about what are the things I should say and trying to truly come with a heart posture of I'm curious why you did that, and I would love to point you back on the right path because really you're harming others and people don't want to be with you.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Yeah, like a sad place to be. Like not reacting emotionally in the moment, which is hard. I think a second. A lot easier as I've gotten older, but still when I have to have a hard conversation with someone, usually I cry. Always, yeah. I'm a crier too. Yeah. Try not to be putting it. And it's coming from a place of probably in my heart where I feel like I want to address this situation. And so usually then I'm crying.

SPEAKER_03 21:45

I think though, after you have that conversation, you need to know that you are not responsible for how they live their life. That's just what's true is like you can't be responsible for everyone.

SPEAKER_02 21:57

Right. And they Yeah, and they might just continue. To disappoint you.

SPEAKER_03 22:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

Yeah. I do think I probably always give someone the benefit of the doubt and probably always give people extra chances. But I do think eventually you just realize it's not worth it. Do you think your kids aren't that big yet? But I think sometimes a lot of it is me trying to recognize that for my boys too and teach that at a young age of just we don't let people treat us this way. We don't let people drain our energy and be mean and all these things and trying to teach them those boundaries and just yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:29

I feel like the only example I can think of is someone calling Samantha a name. She didn't like she didn't like the name, she does not like the name Sam. And she just kept doing it. And but it is hard because you're like, oh, well then you just say, Hey, I don't want that to happen anymore. I don't know. But that's um that's all I've had. Yeah. With kids. Yeah, but that's something. It's tiny.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Teaching her to be direct. Okay, so you're our enneogram too, though. So when you set boundaries, because this was one thing I kind of thought of is even I feel this way sometimes. If I set boundaries, if I really make a clear this person, I'm not letting, you know, affect me this way and not letting them in my life in this way.

SPEAKER_03 23:05

Sometimes I worry I'm being unkind. I know. This is what's so hard. When I was looking up, so there's a book I have not read but has been referenced a ton by podcasts that I listened to called Boundaries by Henry Cloud. And so I looked up some things that he said, and one of them was the quote, take responsibility for your own life without taking responsibility for everyone else's. And I do think, especially as a two, there's that people pleasing. But I think if you can try to take a step back and not be emotional about it and say, this is that person in their lane, and I cannot change their behavior. Any behavior modification is on them. Um I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

This is so hard. So I I did think what types of boundaries can we do? Yeah. So limit time with that person. It sometimes can be a little bit tricky if it's somebody that you have to work with or even family or someone that I'm thinking of, you know, live lives really close to you, is just in your circle, always around you. Yeah. But I think you there's still ways to really limit your time, maybe with those people. Not engaging in certain conversations. If you know that there's maybe a trigger conversation or something you really disagree with that person on, just not even engaging. Yeah. And then calmly calling them out. Yeah. Of just trying to clear the air of just, I don't agree with this behavior. I won't let you treat me this way or my kid this way, or whatever it is. But it can be really hard. I do say in the world of social media, I love muting somebody.

SPEAKER_03 24:31

Yes, hundred percent.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

If they're making me upset, I like my social media to be a light space for sure, kind of motivational, uplifting. I have also gone so far as to unfriend someone. And it's a really extreme measure. Actually, my sister would tell me it was very dramatic, probably. She'd be like, why would you do that? But I always think if you're not cheering for me and my family, why do you get to see that piece of what I have going on?

SPEAKER_03 24:53

Yeah. I also think that unhealthy, if it's an unhealthy person you're trying to set a boundary with, it's not going to go well because it I think just when you're in a state of unhealth, you're you can't.

SPEAKER_02 25:05

But I don't think that you have to say the boundary a lot.

SPEAKER_03 25:07

It's just you're setting it yourself. I do think probably there's situations we haven't lived where it is parent or something like that, which sounds dash so hard.

SPEAKER_02 25:15

Abusive relationships, things like that, where you really have to stand your ground.

SPEAKER_03 25:19

But it is, and it really, I think, gosh, what did we used to say? I feel like there was a summer we said something all the time of like, it's not worth my joy or not. It doesn't bring me joy. Yes. Yeah. And it was just I'm not doing it. No. Yes. I still feel that way. I do think back to the Bible verse though. That's just something I hadn't considered of like guard your heart from. I always think that I think that's like from things you see or hear, but it can be from really negative people too.

SPEAKER_02 25:46

One thing then that ends up being so tricky though is gossip. Yes. Wanting somebody else to agree with you on that person. I really strive out with gossip. I really do too, girl.

SPEAKER_03 25:54

Actually, our we had this all day meeting last week, and one of the things they had us do was like write something down that we want to stop doing or working. And that's what I wrote, because why am I that way? And it's all over the Bible. It's primarily. You gotta be careful what you're saying with your what what your words are. I think what I don't know where the line is what is gossip and what is venting.

SPEAKER_02 26:13

Yeah, and well, you're two, so you don't want anybody mad at you. So you probably want a little bit to pull some people in on your side, right? Is that why you gossip?

SPEAKER_03 26:20

Yeah, I think I'm an external processor. And so that's actually what I've come to lately is I need to, because it is like this just happened. Let me tell someone and talk through it. Like maybe instead I should just talk to Jason or talk to give it a minute to process. Yeah. Not become an internal processor, but maybe a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 26:35

Well, I have two children. One is an external processor and one is an internal. And the internal one just really I struggle with. Like, you don't what do you mean you don't want to talk? He'll he said recently that way. He said recently, I don't have to talk about everything that's bothering me. I'm like, what? Yes, you do. What do you mean? How will I help you solve this problem if I don't know all about it?

SPEAKER_01 26:54

I can guarantee my I will have one as well.

SPEAKER_02 26:58

I actually cause it's just yeah, because I'm such an external I mean, everybody's knowing every problem I've got.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Yeah, in the same way. Now our podcasters know them. And too much, probably. Like I've probably told you too many times, so it's probably annoying. You know what I mean? Right.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

Like we repeat ourselves if it's something, especially if it's something that stresses us out.

unknown 27:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:15

So what are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_03 27:16

What are you gonna do to set boundaries? Is there something you're gonna do? There is one person that I struggle with so much, and I feel like I've had the conversation a couple times, and I just don't see any change. And so it's so tricky. I actually asked someone for advice recently, and this person had said, You should so I think what's tricky, if we're gonna just get real vulnerable, is that I think you can almost like dehumanize the person or demonize them until everything they do is bad. They're they are bad. And objectively, it's not true, right? And so I don't know because I feel like what do you do? Feel hopeless, which would mean like I don't think anything will change no matter what, because the behavior modification has been the same for the last decade, you know, it's tricky. I think for one, you should be praying for that person, which is hard to do. Yeah, like we're called to do that all the time. And then I do think kind of what you said, if you can limit your interactions, and I think at the end of the day, you need to remember that how you show up is on you. And so you don't need to lower and be like there is a difference between being firm and this is my boundary, that I'm not going to allow this, and being nasty back. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:29

The other Bible verse I wrote down, I pulled up.

SPEAKER_03 28:33

The other thing though is when behavior is actually a problem, I do think what you said, and I feel like confrontation is actually a skill that I have learned while at work. Not well, like I'm not great at it, but it is I've just seen the value of gosh, when there is something small, if you can just address it head on before it gets big. And you always regret not having the conversation, or at least I do. If something bothers me and then it just pesters and pesters, and then it's weird to be like, a month ago, this thing happened. You know, like just do it as soon as you can.

SPEAKER_02 29:02

The Bible verse that I wrote down was Romans 12, 17, and it was do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. And I think that's one of the tricky things is that you want to. If they're being mean to you, you want to kind of stoop to that level. A little mean girl in me wants to make a burn book, right?

SPEAKER_03 29:22

I know. And I think that's why, too, it's sometimes like, oh, I'm gonna gossip revent about this, like, you know, which is not fair. Yeah. But what are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_02 29:31

I do think in the end, I just still always try to choose kindness, try to, I don't know, still extend grace in a way.

unknown 29:40

Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 29:40

Should we end on a prayer? Yeah, all right, dear God, thank you for today. Thank you for another great podcast with Amy and for talking through some things about Mother's Day. That might be hard for some people. Help us to still extend grace, even when people disappoint us and let us down. But let us recognize where a boundary is maybe needed and help us be the light. Amen. Amen.